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Just as good as a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.

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Wednesday, September 26, 2007

"A lot more hookers in Atlantic City than I thought..."

So, my office just had a major program go down for a while and I figured it the perfect time to catch the four of you up with my weekend. So without further ado....

The trip started with me getting ripped off at Nextcar rental. Horrible rental car place. Then we hit the road. I was under the impression that AC would only be about 3 hours from where we lived but I WAS WRONG. Six hours of jamming to random songs on my iPod and smelling the farts of my life-long friends, and we arrived. It was my friend Josh's bachelor party and getting strange was my primary objective. The events that took place did not result in success. We pulled close to the Casino that we had our suite at, but to our dismay the person behind the wheel did not know where to park. As he circled I had to go to the bathroom so bad I could taste it. We we finally did check in we made our way to the casino portion of the hotel. About now-ish is where the quote from the headline came into play. I noticed a man actually get turned down by a prostitute. I can only imagine he was found a day later hanging from his closet. Poor poor man.... moving on. When we switched over to Caesar's Palace, we got verbally molested by a group of about 5 plain clothed prostitutes. It's sad when your a hooker that's not even in uniform. At first I thought they were just really unattractive girls, then some of their questions steered me to the unfortunate truth. "Ya'll getting ready to party like a ROCKSTAR?" What do you say to that? We said "nope", but they didn't just go away. Then Josh tells them that we're from Virginny and they assume that we're big spenders here to gamble and pay for sex. How wrong they were. I noticed that my friend Mike and Nelson were getting ahead and basically leaving us to talk to the unattractive pros' and so I said "They guys up there are pretty shy but the one on the left's name is Nelson and the other is Michael. Help them out ladies." Revenge is dish that ain't bad served luke warm. After they shook the hookers and found us it was onto gambling. Somehow my friend Kevin was under the impression that there was a 3 am last call. So we all shoved free drink after free drink down the hatch. Come 3 am we were shocked to find out he was wrong and now everyone but me(cause I drink like that everyday) was so hammered we had to run to McDonald's to keep them from throwing up. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. The slots treated me great, Blackjack... not so much. I played one hand and decided I don't like losing my money that way. We jumped from casino to casino and when we arrived at one a Spanish man said to us "My what a fine night to be such a fine young man!" I didn't hear him say that so as he approached us I stood there while everyone kept it moving into the casino. I suppose I was looking for a fight but that's not what was in the cards. He walked up to me and with a tear tattooed on his cheek(D-Block) he said to me "You lookin' real fine tonight. Why don't we...." that was wear I bolted to my posse. Propositioned by a man, does it get any worse. By day one I was up(winning) and life was lookin' pretty sweet. I lost all the winnings in day two. Didn't lose money, but all my glorious winnings went right back into the machines and hands of dealers that they came from. I did see a man that literally had hands growing from his armpits and he was in a wheelchair in the middle of the hot hot sun. I wondered if that was the best place to be if you're a man that can't wipe the sweat from your face. I couldn't take a picture because my friends and the laughter wouldn't allow it. Mostly my friends though. I will add some pictures to this when I get home though. And, then of course there was Nelson, Mike and I placing bets as one person at Roulette tables for about 3 hours before we left cause we were cheap and refused to visit the ATM. Well folks it was a weekend. This weekend.... my first wedding. Laters...

Thursday, September 20, 2007

All you need is "luv"... right?

Before I forget, let me share a scary story with you. Yesterday, as I sit on the toilet(preparing to drop)I looked at my finger and saw the most amazing yet really horrible thing. A little bug. It was almost transparent and so tiny it was like watching a baby termite or something. Here is the troubling part though... I think it's in me. It ran out from in between my finger nail and the skin above it... ran the length of the nail, then went up under another side of the skin. It was so awful all I could do was stare at my hand and going "What the hell was that?!" That's a Wednesday I guess. Don't worry, if I encounter that dreaded bug again I'll be sure to let you know.
And now, drink from the fountain of knowledge...

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

"Yeah, it is a beautiful day... wait I'm gonna poop."

Don't wonder, that quote was a treat that I received courtesy of my friend Charlie earlier this morning. Bless his horrible soul. The last several days served up a lot of potential stress. But, the big G was looking out for me. Respect.

Let us go back to Saturday. I, a young man with buttocks of a God, am making my way home from a lovely little town call "Alexandria". As I sped home at a brisk 90 mph, I couldn't help but notice that my accelerator wasn't functioning anymore. I pulled over....think...thin..got it. I call McNelson and inform he and Kevin that their negro is quite a jam and could use a couple of chaps to come and help me hump this bad situation into submission. They showed up about a half hour later. We ride... home. I wake up, being a procrastinatory(I do believe I just made up a mantastic word just there) chap I did not call to get the car towed from I-95 immediately. That's where I F%cked up. Upon speaking to the towing company I'm informed that there is a good chance that my car has been impounded already.... like modern day Gypsies they read my fortune. So, the police were very polite in getting me to the people that now had my vehicle... asses. And, wouldn't you know that when I called they had just gotten my car. If only I hadn't lied in bed for a hour before getting up on Sunday. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday....ah(wasn't I telling a story?! Better get back to it then) So, I find out that it will be a couple hundred bucks for the impounding (AHHH) and then it needs to be towed( Jeez) and then someone gets to tell me what's wrong.... my worst fears were confirmed. The Korean men that I spoke to put it very simply in their "fresh off the boat way" ahem---"Your car not get OIL for long time. adsfd dsadsa ENGINE dadff gaggad." There is a word in that second sentence that should stick out like a sore thumb. Then we get a night of waiting to hear what magical number he pulls from a hat to fix the car. I'm horribly cheap, so waitin on this call is like waitin to get home while at work suckin' back a "No. 2". Finally, the number..... I don't need to tell you that I wasn't excited to hear it. But, let's focus on the positives here...... yep, there are none. But, you'd never know about trouble if you were looking me in the eye cause I was a rock. I just don't shake or tremble.

Bachelor Party this weekend. Should be fun, and yeah STRANGE. Although, and it's gonna sound pretty gay, I don't have the energy to chase these females. I think people get all types of productive things done when they pretend like the other sex doesn't exist. Like today for example: I'm going commando but due to the fact that I'm working and walking flirting, I don't have to worry about a chubby friend of ours creating any awkward situations. Cause all it takes is a good perfume and your pal( and mine) is ready to meet everyone and get a good smell of'um.

Even though I know that my job is looking at our emails, I still keep opening emails from people that I know will curse while I'm at work. I must stop this, but the words OPEN THIS OFF THE CLOCK are never in the subject line, so I get dooped everytime.


Thursday, September 13, 2007

What a couple of days...huh?

Not even gonna touch this, but Mike Blejer won the Improv showcase.... congrats. Will I'm sorry man.

Went to Baltimore last night for the Funniest competition and didn't place. Not crushed though, I guess I'm getting used to not winning competitions. But, like any arrogant jerk I refuse to believe it's cause I'm not funny. Interestingly enough though, I did get caught in a cloud of crap. There was a corner next to the door that I immediately noticed "wreaked". The way that people smell if they spent a whole night sweating and it smells very acidic. I began to sniff around and try to figure out if it was someone near me or if it was indeed me. There were a lot fo fine women there so I did everything I could not to lift the arm and sniff the pit. I even had my head in the trash at one point. Still couldn't pinpoint it though. A waitress came up and was throwing something away when I couldn't help but notice her staring at me. I know what she was thinking and for once I don't think she liked me. I think she blamed me for the funk. Come the end of the night, I began to wonder if standing in the stink cloud could actually overpower the Dolce & Gabbana cologne I had on and make me genuinely stink?! But, I had no choice. So, I stank. To whoever left that cloud.... I hate you a little.

Tyler vs. Tyler will happen this year so wait for my command. Then do. Then do.

Females.....HAHA. The past couple of weeks have been nuts, but it's always when you start to feel like a pimp that God sends the biggest pimp slap of all. He keeps it strong. So I like to think I'm getting mine semi-strong.

Kanye's Album is bananas!! And it's only right that he's outselling 50 Cent. The only thing that would feel better is if it were Lupe Fiasco instead of Kanye. It's about time that lyrics meant something to most people. The day of Nelly is DEAD. Favorite track on the album(the only thing that feels like a rip-off is that there are "13" TRACKS, that's for R&B singers. NOT RAPPERS) has got to be Everything I am. " never could see why people'll reach a Fake-ass facad they couldn't keep up Y'see how I creeped up? Y'see how I played a big role in Chicago like Queen Latifah? I never rock a mink coat in the winter time like Killa Cam Or rock some mink boots in the summertime like will.i.am Let me know if you feel it man Cause everything I'm not, made me everything I am." Just got get the album.

Next weekend is my first bachelor party so.... we'll see what type of strange I can get into. I don't care if it's 85-years-old, just let it be strange Lord.

Fowlest I see you man, I still hate you.

Alright, that's enough random thought for today.... and in case you didn't notice I'm tryin' to blog like I used to. Laters...

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

American Beauty

Just a little quote that I think is good for reflecting on any day.... but on a rainy day like this maybe it will sink in more.

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad,
when there's so much beauty in the world.
Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once,
and it's too much,
my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...
...and then I remember to relax,
and stop trying to hold on to it,
and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life...
You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry...
You will someday.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Sippin' Pink Lemonade

The blog is titled that because I am. Now you know that. You might have noticed the handsome young man that is to the right--->
"How are we supposed to wait?"
Maybe if I just jump off of something and land wrong(a.k.a. correct) then I will jar something in my head and spend some quality time in a coma that I can awake from just in time. Priorities people, priorities. I'm watching the 40-year-old Virgin at work and noticed something. Though I remember seeing a breast or two, there are a lot of them and it makes watching that a little weird when my supervisor could randomly come to the cuby and ask me a question. It would only be awkward since she's an innocent older Caucasoid. But the good kind though, I seriously doubt she would own slaves a couple hundred years ago.

What else is new? I had a rather interesting night a week or so ago with a Spanish friend. I went to said Spanish's home under the impression that I would be making an "impression"... how wrong I was. Spanish had just moved and I believe that a part of the date was supposed to be me going to work on helping. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not "that" guy and now she knows. So, she asks me to bring BOOZE, and another good friend that I will not name at work(wink). To me that spells "impression" time. I bring a movie, The Big Lebowski, seemed like a good choice at the time but in retrospect there were some other choices that would have been better. Everything is cool til' I lose patience, it's time to make this move....
Me: Did you wanna lay out?
Her: Okay.
M: (stretches out on sofa)
H: (lays opposite)
M: Oh, I meant this way(meaning along my body..duh)
H: (Lays and pauses) I'm not comfortable.
M: Okay well you should be comfortable...
The next oh... 25 minutes I was really exhausted from a long day and the thought of not closing said deal was enough to drop me like a bag of sand. When I woke up, she was laughing and the movie was over. Snores were mentioned and made nicey-nice and did the whole call me thing. I was pretty aggravated that I drove all that way for that, brought my friend, and she's not comfortable. About 4 days later it would come to my attention that when she mentioned comfort she spoke of the position and not the situation. Oh what a fool I am. Or on the positive side, maybe she's got the clap and God was given the ol' block of justice.
Tuesday: Kayne's album drops!!
Wednesday: I don't know
Thursday: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Friday: Pay-day.... always nice.

Before we say our "laters" let this picture ease your nightmares. I bring you..... the best marriage proposal ever.

Laters everybody

About Me

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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