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Just as good as a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.

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Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Yeah my D*CK is out, I'm starting a trend!!!

On Friday I attempted to go on a date, but instead ended up on a weird double-non- indecisive- dating- “Thing”, it was that kind of night. It starts with a haircut and ends with a very high viewing of Horton Hears a Who. I really don’t even feel like going through the entire story so let’s do a highlight thing: When getting ready for a date with my new “Miss” , traffic was kind of a bastard and not cooperating with me at all. All I wanted to do was get a haircut and then get on with my night. I send out the text “How much time do you need to get ready?” Plans have changed now, she picked up her gay best friend because she thought I was standing her up. I wasn’t too upset, I need to pick up Mary (wink) at a friend’s house. I think that date is over so I proceed to plan a guys night… she calls back and still wants to work out plans. I really didn’t want to wheel along for the gay version of Three’s Company, but I actually like her so… I grab my Nelson and head for Fairfax. Nelson is not gay but a friend willing to shield me from some of that while I get my mack on, oh slang. I’m very down with people being gay or anything they want to be, doesn’t bother. They thought I might be homophobic since I fought coming out a bit. I’ve seen plenty Sex and the City which makes me hip, and perhaps that pretty show with pretty people got my mind in the wrong place. I was expecting a gay man that could possibly turn a straight man. But that fairy tale was shattered and raped when I saw a very unattractive man with boobs standing next to my date. I almost felt gay because I judged him quicker than most women probably judge men, and felt bad that he wasn’t prettier for Nelson. Not in a gay way, but I did bring the Asian out and “for that?!” The place we all met at was pretty “Skeevy” so we booked it to a place I’d heard of… Fast Eddie’s. I thought that this place was going to be the Chuck E. Cheese’s of pool halls but “OH” I was mistaken. We were greeted by a hostess that anyone would kidnap just to spend time with. She walked us back to our table where skinheads were playing on the table next to us. A Filipino, a black TRich, black woman, and her gay-UGLY-chubby black man friend… I could smell confrontation even though it couldn’t be seen. Fortunately, I was wrong and they allowed us to play untouched by a fist of judgement. On several occasions I saw “the gay friend” dance: Beyonce’s Put A Ring On It, I’m every woman (Capella), Britney Spears (a song I’m not familiar with), etc… needless to say, I was pretty focused on the actual pool game. Did I mention I suck at pool? Found out my new woman-friend is not an alcoholic, one drink and the grinding begun. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. At some point they wanted to go “clubbing” which is not really my thing. They both got really excited when the idea got brought up and threw the energy ball over to me. I killed the energy ball with a blunt statement:
Woman: “You wanna go to DC and hit up some bars and clubs?”
Tyler: “No.”

That was it, and I had to turn and whisper to Nelson not to burst into laughter.

Sunday I went to Ben’s Chili Bowl, appearance aside, that is the best damn chili dog I’ve ever had in my life.

24” rims… just thought I’d remind some of you what ballin’ starts with.

Last Friday my section went out to Red Lobster. A woman in my dwindling little group was telling me she always wanted to try lobster, I told her to jump on it, we had the perfect opportunity to try something. She didn’t want to waste her meal, she proposed I give her some of my lobster. I told her, flat out, I would not be sharing any of my food. I don’t even share/ eat after/ split my plate with my mother, I’m not even considering anyone else’s germs. You want fries get fries, get it? The whole meal (and I had the ULTIMATE FEAST, so it was a long meal) she made cute comments about how great it would be to have some. I laughed and stuffed my face more. Someone tried giving advice on how to eat Snow crab legs, she used the phrase “if you wanna let me get one I’ll show you how I do it…” I replied “Oh, no thanks, I got this…” The story took a twist when Secret Santa came around. The first woman who wanted the lobster was my Santa, she got me everything I asked for and spent more than the limit we set for everyone in the group. I felt like a d*ck, cause I was one. I tried offering some Cheesecake, but it was too late.

Today, I am at work. I have never wanted to roll over and go back to sleep so bad in my life. I’ll make it, we’ll make it.

Tropic Thunder is the most quotable movie of the year. As an example I simply bring up that the Fowlest and I have been texting quotes from the movie for over a week now. “I’m a lead farmer muthaf*cka!”

Favorite Line of the Week:
“We should call in sick tomorrow, you can stay in bed. I’ll come over and cook for us and then we can go back to bed and you can show me some movies. We’ll run around without clothes and take your dog for a walk… What do you think?”- Woman talking to TRich.

You have to know the response: “Hmm, oh you were serious? I’ve already got a lot of leave being used over the next couple of months so I can’t. Sorry, maybe in February…”- TRich , a spontaneous gentleman

Babygirl, from the summertime, is back… and gained weight. Thanks Jesus!

Kevin bought Nelson and I “DAS BOOTS!!!” like in the movie Beerfest. It took a six-pack to fill Nelson’s boot. I had to work today so declined to get alcohol poisoning on a Monday night. Nelson was completely wasted by the time that boot was half gone. He finished it, and passed the f*ck out. Merry Christmas Nelson.

February, Richmond Funnybone… thank God.

Today was the first time I had to say this in my life: “I can’t come over there just yet, (why) because I was having some memories that were a little graphic and I need a minute...” Not that I should have to say why I couldn’t stand up, but I was thinking of getting a good JOB done… on my wenis.

I think for someone with wandering eyes like me it’s best to fake astigmatism early into relationships. I can’t stop looking at asses. I’m like some wolf that’s thin and starving, all I want to do is bite something. (Howl’s at the moon from his cubicle)

In case I don’t get to say it, Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays to everyone! Peace and happiness are all I wish for you guys and let’s see what 2009 smells like. Bet it smells like Beefaroni…

Laters/ Peaces

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

That is snow on your shoes, I don't care if it tastes salty!

So here we are, it’s Tuesday again! UGGGGGGG!

New camcorder means new videos, oh the thinks you can think. That was always my favorite Dr. Suess book as a kid, yours? Riding with Strangers returns (Nelson thought up that name for the ensemble of himself, Kevin and I) and the ideas tickle me about as much as the new jokes I’ve written. Awkward stares, slapstick and a ton of swear words… I almost cam… never mind, I did.

My grandmother gave me porn last week and I too lazy to check to see if I wrote about that last week. Getting rid of smut, she knew one man who wouldn’t be able to turn it down… ahem. When she handed it to me I reacted as I normally do to smut, I started reading the back and trying to gauge if I would like it. About two words in it dawned on me, looking at porn (or just the box) in front of my grandmother was weird. I quickly flipped it over and got ready to stuff it in my bag-o-smut. While stuffing I swore I saw, in big yellow letters “TRANNY”… I let out a scream. “NO!!!!!” Granny naturally wondered why I let out that man-scream. I told her that if she had any tranny porn I was not interested and reached for the DVD, upon a second sneak peek at the cover (cause you never know what picture could be on the front of tranny porn) it actually read “Me So Yummy”. I overreacted, I apologized and continued to collect porn. The End…

Actually, let me just say, it is pretty unsettling watching something that you know your grandparents have watched. And, most likely watched it naked… UGGG! There was no jerk to those films, and to be honest I haven’t gotten the courage to put in another video after Nelson and I watched “Holes on a Hoe”… yep, that was the title.

New Year’s Resolution 2009: Build a time machine. It’s been the same since I saw Back to the Future II as a kid, and will remain that way til’ the day I die.

Although, if I was actually able to go back in time, even if only for 2 minutes, hear would be my message: “Little Deaven (yeah, that’s my name), never tell a girl you like her, you’ll get a lot more that way. Stop speaking your mind so much, especially in school, no one cares what you think but your mom. Kiss ass a lot more, you suck at it in the future! Could get you far in comedy if you get to it right off the bat… couldn’t hurt right? Lastly, learn to be cheap before you’re 23, you had a serious problem.”

I saw the Pursuit of Happyness last night and damn that Will Smith, I want to hate on him but he’s too talented. (sigh) I’m still not going to give a single minute of my life to Hancock though, that $#!T is trash.

While in the grocery store (I would never make these stories up, life is just too funny as it is) on Sunday Nelson and bore witness to something truly ignorant. We’re standing in line and someone hopped on the Announce system and said “I love FRIED CHICKEN”. No one really reacted, probably cause they thought they were above giving FRIED CHICKEN a response. I chuckled a little just because that’s a sign of a worker that really doesn’t know what is and is not appropriate. About 30 seconds later while any looks and chuckles over the last comment are fading to nothing we get blessed with the coup…. “GOD D_____T!” (Using what little faith I allow people to know I have, I refuse to blaspheme) I erupted into laughter that doubled me over. I don’t know why it’s so funny to me, but it was so awkward, I’d be crazy not to laugh. There were only two reactions in the supermarket, either you were laughing or you were uptight and genuinely upset that some kid swore like that for everyone to hear. Nelson laughed so hard that the stuff in his hands got loose and went rolling to the floor. Perhaps it was just that people were genuinely happy since it’s the holiday season, but it was great. Then we went home, drank beer and watched the video game awards. As proven by Tropic Thunder, Jack Black is funny again… even if you’re older than 5.

Tomorrow is yet another “spend money on your co-workers” day, just have to make it to Friday and then I’m home FREE (see how I stressed free, never mind, in hindsight it’s not as witty as I thought).

A Charlie Brown Christmas has been getting me through the last couple of days, since I watch it on repeat all day on the ol’ iPod. It almost makes me feel like a child again just watching it, what makes you feel that way.

I have the strange urge that I’m supposed to be a dad… perhaps my body is reacting weird to no “MJ” in a couple of weeks. I’ll take care of that soon enough.

Enjoy your Tuesday, Sean I feel like crap for missing out on the poop joke. Today is my last final though, we’ll run into each other sooner than you think. Unless you think tonight, cause then I can’t make it.

Peaces

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

"Wow, you look great today! I wish I'd worn underwear..."

My mother called the other day to leave me a message, a message that she could sing. I listened to the first verse of “If I was a boy”, I already knew my Mom couldn’t sing but sometimes we have to sit back and enjoy these moments of insanity and treasure them. One day I won’t be able to receive voicemail from her like that and I reminisce on that moment. I saved the voicemail…

I’m pretty sure that a girl in one of my classes is attracted to me as much as I am to her. The problem: She has a rash on her leg that she says is a bug bite. I can’t ask her on a date because I’m afraid there will be more in other places. What a twisted web we weave.

Yesterday’s Text From THE FOWLEST: _____ _____ is a c0ck.

I replied “YES”, and that was all of our communication last night. Sometimes you don’t need a conversation, just to agree on something. Right?

It was one of the bigger holiday parties yesterday and a lot of people brought food, I don’t cook so I brought “store bought” cupcakes. People ate up other people’s home cooking and only touched three of MANY cupcakes. I have small issues with eating other people’s cooking so I was skeptical about trying a bunch of the food. I was right not to dive right in to the pool of THE UNKNOWN. I stacked my plate with about 6 or 7 things and made my way back to my seat. First I tried the Macaroni and Chee(se) then made my way to something that looked like a Taquito. It was not a Taquito. I chewed what people were calling “egg rolls” for about 15 minutes then decided I was done eating. Just… plain… nasty. That’s really the only way I can describe it. Ugg, and worst of all is that the person who made “the egg rolls” won the vote for best side dish, more importantly MONEY!

Something good that did come of it was that people who don’t work together were given a chance to get to know each other for CASH MONEY. The three teams under one boss (33 of us) all listed a fact that people don’t know about you and there was a game to see who could match up the most people to facts. Surprisingly, I came in tied with two other for 1st place, with nine answers right. Sad but true, even sadder is that one of the people tied with me was my supervisor. Everyone kept asking me if my fact was “I used to drive around with a Amish beard on”, to which I replied “no”. I was lying, but it really bothered me that a group full of strangers pegged me so easily. Ho hum…

My new dress shoes hurt because they aren’t broken in, I would do just about anything not to have to walk. If only I could get around on my palms dragging my feet behind me like I just got chopped in half. But that’s not very professional, plus these pants are too money to be dragged. Maybe if I got a really fat guy to carry me, hmmm.

I had some grape soda earlier, and died a little inside. Oh stereotypes…

Well folks, in just a few months now my contract runs out with T-Mobile. Then it’s off to AT&T for the love of my young life, the iPhone. I’m going to buy it and immediately shove it right down my pants to show my balls some style. Let everyone else in the store be jealous and let the clerk ask me to leave. What a day it will be when my baby and I are finally together. I’ve avoided touching on just so the whole experience is completely new and orgasmic, like it out(ta)… to be. I find it funny that everyone that doesn’t have the scrote to jump to AT&T (or just feels like they don’t want to become like the mainstream people) gets a knock off iPhone. Call them what you want, but Instinct, Blackberry Storm, LG Whatever-the-F*ck and the list goes on and on; these phones are nothing more than a hand job from a fat girl when perfectly good sex is right around the corner. Don’t cheat yourself, treat yourself… Eli!

I normally high five beautiful women just to interact, but lately I sniff/lick it afterwards. I swear these women must think I’m gay cause they never freak out, they just laugh and take it in stride. What does it take to qualify for sexual harassment in this new millennium? Must I become a casual ass slapper?!

I’ve really be wanting to call someone a scallywag lately. That is all.

I was just remembering how unfunny Get Smart was, seriously, don’t rent that movie. And if you bought it I have great news, Blockbuster is now allowing people to trade stuff in. Take that $#!T back right away.

Gonna go but I feel like comedy tonight, thank God, and have no other plans.

Peaces

Monday, December 08, 2008

It'll be a while til we say hello again "Juice"


I spent the day throwing up, it was my own fault so don’t feel pity for this guy. Friday I was determined to eat the remaining Thanksgiving leftovers that I had in the fridge. Problem was that I got caught up drinking Absinthe and forgot that I left all that meat (and greens) laying out on the counter. Well, after running many errands and shopping the day away on Saturday I got home and decided to eat them before I had to throw them out. That was the mistake, I still had a complete order from Chipotle sitting in the fridge, there was no need to bottom feed. So, how did I wake up on Sunday? Puking my f’n brains out, it continued every 20 minutes for about 5 hours. That was more than I have ever vomited in my life, and to be honest “It made me want my mommy”. Sometimes it’s nice to be doted on hand and foot when you have an ouchie. But sadly, I’m a grown man so I laid there miserably and let my dog comfort me with hypnotic songs. He sang Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd that would make you shed a tear.

I’m dead sexy, that is all.

Movie Reviews:
WANTED – Any one that said this movie was not that great should be immediately slapped to the ground. I rocked your socks off and then rocked some more. My friend Mike complains that he never wants to see any more Angelina Jolie movies because she always plays the same character now (bad ass chick fighter woman). To that I say SLAP, I wish the young man in the film many more since I loved the way he portrayed his character, he went from wimp to weapon. The pacing did not feel rushed and God bless them, they even gave you Morgan Freeman (and more Freeman than Evan Almighty, that’s what would have helped that unfunny movie). A+

Get Smart- Perhaps I’m partial to the Office, but I saw the 40 year old Virgin before I ever saw an episode of the Office. With that said Steve Carrell pretty much ALWAYS disappoints in theaters. Anchorman doesn’t count since that (aside from Daily News) kinda put him on the map. Dan in Real Life, Little Miss Sunshine (the movie was great but he certainly didn’t stand out), Bewitched and the list goes on and on. But, to Get Smart’s credit I did laugh a few times but damn it could have been better. Anne Hathaway could not be finer though, very few people are in the category of “I’d drink their toilet water” but… C

I have not slept with a woman wearing a wig yet, with that said the thought kinda creeps me out. We’ll just see where that ends up, cause everything else appears to be quite do-able. “Will our courageous hero muster up the strength to bang the wig off this big chested Jezebel?” Stay tuned for further episodes of The Blessed Rod and the Girls…

Video Game Review:
The Prince of Persia- “That $#!T was STRAIGHT SEX!!!” – Chuck Norris A+

Christmas Wish List:
The pubic hair of the Incredible Hulk (none of your business why I need that)
Tears of newly crippled beautiful woman
The bottled laughter of a rapist
Jerked Chicken (what, that’s funny to me)
A mini dance featuring Jermaine Fowler (his little dances always make me chortle)
Sex
Mom’s love, accompanied by her money
Grandma’s cooking, then a peek at that will
A toke with Grandpa, I’m a little pissed that I never got to do that
Foghat marathon of songs on XM Radio
Anne Hathaway as a slave, you beautiful big eyed temptress
Video Feed of Eli sleeping, no questions
To write a funny joke
A new Jake Young hat, doesn’t matter which one, the man has taste
Chris Barylick to date a model, the gift of giving is the best gift of all lastly…
Superpowers

On Saturday I actually heard a man yell “Well no one will give me a loan cause I’m a dead beat and I don’t pay my bills on time!” Couldn’t have wrote it better.

For the first time ever, a mechanic hooked me up last week. He said come on in and we’ll take care of that and followed through on it. It saved me $400 and probably the life of small child. Cause if I had to pay that money I was gonna pick some kid up and punt him the ever loving sweet $#!T out of him.

Gonna go now, but keep smiling, tomorrow The Dark Knight comes out on Blu-Ray and DVD!!!!

Peaces

Thursday, December 04, 2008

And the band plays on...

It’s that special time of year so let’s have a special holiday (Christmas, what, I’m Christian) poem!

There are no lights and every morning I step on mice
It’s Christmas in the Ghetto tonight
Can’t afford my gift so my girlfriend picked a fight
It’s Christmas in the Ghetto tonight
Urine is cleaned from sheets while I call the fat freak
And when she arrives I stare deep in her eyes
I give a kiss on the cheek because slept with my friend Meeks
It’s Christmas up round this b!tch
A tic-tac for supper and pickles in Smuckers
No tears for the homeless, cause Santa’s a coming
So grab a child tight, even if it’s not yours, it’s alright
Cause when Santa comes he’s gonna want a snackrifice
Holy $#!T, it’s Christmas alright

How is everyone, if there is indeed anyone still out there? Boredom is not performing, sadness is when you think about the last time you thought of a bit and can’t recall. Shame is having people continually talk to you about your drinking even though I’ve never stumbled out of a place. My awkward silences may not be for everyone but we perform what we believe is funny. Anger is not getting to tell certain people what you think about them to their face because in the end we all stand to gain something from everyone. Even if we can’t see it yet. One day ­______ may save my life, _____ __. may rescue my mother from a burning building and Curt Shackelford… well, I honestly don’t have anything for that one,“I you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all”.

Life is busy, I hate busy, the only time I’ve ever liked busy when was comedy was involved. It almost makes you feel important even though you’re not, yet. Jermaine is busy (yes I called him by his government name, the Fowlest) and I envy that. Without the occasional update on his life I think I’d begin to feel old. His texts always seem to come at times when I need them most. Last time I was naked in front of the computer waiting for www.youporn.com to finally upload the video I requested with a thick hipped Latina doing things I dare not describe… I’m trying to get my Christian on. God has blessed me, so I repay him by keeping that thought in front of my mind, with that said “The porn was taking forever and was in the one hand full, other hand on the lotion pose”. Then comes the text: ( Insert lyrics from Craig Mack’s FLAVA IN YA EAR) and there was much laughter. And you know what? The porn finally came through. None of that was true by the way, the naked part I mean.

Apparently I have a thing for Asian women, who knew. I was under the impression that I loved all women no matter what creed but upon a little research I made a discovery. When you pick apart the “slideshow” that we use “when we’re alone” my slideshow has a lot of Vietnamese in it. Hmmm.

While shopping for the winter wardrobe I saw more young women checking “ya boy” than ever. Boy I wish I wasn’t with my granny, no tail for me that day. Just a lot of Chipotle and a morning of the $#!TS. Oh Chipotle.

Manosaurus Rex, the latest of sweet things to come from Nelson’s lips. Other than the codeword to the missile silos.

Wall-E was so cute it can only be described as such. Cop that ish.

I bought new headphones, they make me look like Frankenstein except the bolts are coming out of my ears. Geek.

I’ve lost a lot of friends and acquaintances this year. That probably means I’m hard to get along with huh? I don’t think I’ve ever had a year where so many women wanted to be my friend before. I have got to work on that, cause no man wants to be a woman’s friend… unless he likes the c0ck. But these women approach me in most of the cases, I must have super friendly ears or something. I’d much rather they looked at me and saw “Douchebag”, but I guess I’m just old fashioned.

Old women seem to catch me looking at butts more than anyone else. Sadly, this one old lady seems to be attracted to that sort of behavior. I’m not attracted old ladies that snoop on young men’s eyes though. What a twisted web we weave.

I saw a kid fall down the steps the other day, just something that was worth bringing up. I laughed uncontrollably, but that was only awkward cause I still need to get past him and his family at the bottom of the stairs.

Before I was working out I never really noticed people tend to shove or touch my body in general A LOT. Do I also have a shove worthy face? If anyone suffers from the same sad fate, do what I did… the pecker slap.

They say the black the barry the sweeter the juice. I don’t want to go into any details about my field research, but that is not true. If anything, Barry tasted bitter and very salty.

No homo.

Coldplay was nominated for less Grammys than Lil Wayne, God please make the world make sense again!

Okay, I’m going to finish some of this… work, but we should really get together again. You have my number right? Look I know this was a little awkward but I’ve been out of the game for a little while and a second date will be much better I promise. I’ll pay, plus I’m sorry I read you that poem, I had no idea you were a born again Christian. It was supposed to be funny, sorry.

Peaces

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

So... I have a child now. Ouch...

Can you really tell me you haven't missed our time together? Seems like I've been gone a lot longer than October, but snap. Honestly, I have no idea where I've been, I feel like working but that can't be right. They'll be time to write a great story tomorrow, don't forget about me. There will be dates for actual performances and punch and pie... stay with me. Tomorrow... gotta go meet a pretty for lunchens.

Peaces.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I have no idea where I’ve been for the past week but God darn it’s about time I hopped on this thing again. After performing on Saturday I resumed the 4 day stay-cation (c’mon that’s witty) I was in the middle of. I came back to work on last Wednesday to find something had been compromised and I’ve literally been working from start to finish when I got to work. Weird, if you asked me last week, I never would have thought that possible. Yet here we are, I’m eating a donut and sipping Cherry Coke and your reading the words of a madman who still has bacon on his breath. Shall we begin…

In courtship there are two uncertainties: 1) when you finally kiss on the lips there no way to be sure she hasn’t said good-bye to an ex, never swallow the saliva. Better to have a really spit filled mouth and walk a mile than to taste another man. Unless you’re a homosexual, then swallow away. Hehe, swallow… 2) I’ve recently discovered that the lotion-y goo that comes out of… it, does not mean that there has been “success” apparently some women are just really nasty and this extra “cream” is not an indicator. How do you know, you ask? Ask her to speak a safe word when the time has come (pronounced c-u-m). I like the word “Cheesy”. What do you like?

A couple of years ago I was drinking 24/7 including on the way to work and whenever I headed somewhere. That’s not the case anymore (despite the fact that comics seem to think I’m the worst alcoholic walking, I like to drink but when is the last time you saw me drink and tell an asshole what I really thought of him or just plain knock a comic I hate out? I don’t think anyone can answer that one… seriously) I sold cars a couple of years ago, but now I love my job and get thrilled with every homework assignment and exam I take on the road to wrapping this degree up. I was depressed out of my mind a few years ago by a terrible relationship but now I look forward to meeting my wife and depressing her. I can’t wait to see what’s different next year…

I won’t jinx the Fowlest, so I’ll just say that he’s got some incredible opportunity on his mind right now, cross your fingers for him… or pray. Whatever you’re into these days.

Whenever I picture someone playing the bagpipes I think of someone blowing into the stomach of a dead beast. Thanks Ren & Stimpy

What’s wild is the more people are reading when I have nothing to say than when I jump back on this bad boy. But, I’m planning on making my presence felt for a little bit this week so hopefully people will remember I’m alive… and funny.

Eli posted some words of mine in his blog and I would be a total douche if I didn’t give him the opportunity to speak for a bit on my blog, take it away Eli Sairs:

Hello all, allow me to start by saying “I just plain don’t like black people”. With that said, I want Shaquita Jenkins to know that I love her and the tapioca pudding shaded baby that we made to know “Daddy loves you both”. I’m urinating into the trash can at my desk. I only let everyone know that because it got on my thumbs and I can’t get it off my mind. Rapper Fabolous turned 29 yesterday, BLANG BLANG. For the last time, “No I will not cut my hair, it the ultimate flavor savor… use your imagination”… take that conformist society. Tyler isn’t giving “a brotha” too much time so I’ll leave with you all with a slogan for the week. I was raised on it so I hope it touches people out there: “When life hands you a fist full of bad nuts, suck its d*ck” Bye all.

Thank you Eli, I appreciate you dropping pearls on us like that. I’m gonna take a shower.

I have almost gone out of my way to be myself at work, I’m truly blown away by the fact that everyone seems okay with that. What are the people doing to get taken down to HR. I’ve laughed at conversation involving people being paralyzed, then leaving the relationship while they re cooperate ( true, and I would definitely leave, why on earth would you want to stick around for that? Hey Nelson how are you today, feeling better about the circumstances that are now you’re life? “Yeah, they cut my hair yesterday and someone put on Looney Tunes so… kill me) and still no one blinks. People are so cold and unattached from what the media would have you believe is the workplace. Next week I move to phase two of my plan: Flatulence in very closed places.

Ducks are anti-semites… what?! It’s true.

On the way into my building last week a squirrel’s nut hit me on the face and looked up with confusion. I saw what looked to be an 11 lb. squirrel on 1 oz. branch that was as curved as a male hooker’s “junk”. I imagined that the branch was gonna give and this man-squirrel would go tumbling right onto my face causing me to be the butt of people’s jokes in the building for all time. Instead the squirrel apologized and we went about our way like it never happened. I forgave him that day and hope I never run across his remains on Follin Lane.

“… And me I keep it funky like pubic aroma. Hit him wit’ the glock, but him in a coma, now what boy got? Umm, glaucoma…” Oh Lil Wayne, how did you win most lyrical emcee again? Still the $#!T though…

My granny asked me if I wanted to go to Atlantic City with her and my response was simple: “Grandma, the hooker’s don’t even wear high heels. The last one that spoke to me had on jeans, sneakers and a Rockstar energy drink…”

I’d love a picture of someone younger than me getting to third base with an elderly woman. On second thought… yep, still want that picture. Hilarious, as long as it ain’t my Granny.

Alright I’m gonna go and hopefully it won’t take me a week to get back on my game. I guess you’ve got the juice now.

Laters

Friday, November 07, 2008

Hello everyone!!!

How are we all? Blogs are light, hopefully that means you guys are writing more jokes than ever. Well then…

Today I saw a dark chocolate (choc∙o∙lat) man literally stop on I-495 while brushing his hair. Traffic wasn’t bumper to bumper so it was terribly obvious, I just watched as the space went from two cars to about 10. He then decided to stomp on the pedal right when others desperately tried to risk their lives getting around him. Douche…

A sign at a church this morning read “If God is your co-pilot, swap seats”… that is all.

Yesterday I was asked, if I had a choice, would I rather wake up one day blind or deaf. I didn’t even think about it, “Deaf, I’d kill myself if I never saw a titty again…” I still agree with my answer but also because every time I see a blind man getting ready to cross the street I think that must be the hardest thing ever. No thank you…

On Wednesday night I actually watched The Ultimate Fighter, the fighters were pranking each other all episode. Someone drank something that had been urinated in. He took it like a champ, then the most horrible thing men can do happened… SEVERAL MEN CAME INTO SOMEONE’S SUSHI, THEN A THIEVING MAN ATE IT. He shouldn’t have been stealing food, but the realization that he just ate someone’s cum was hilarious. He also took it like a champ, he didn’t throw up and no one turned to blows. Personally I’m not sure how I’d react but I wouldn’t want to know who’s cum I just drank down with sushi. He told everyone that was involved he would get even with them by simply stating “Within the next few days my feces will be in your person…” My guess is he’s just going to shit in every piece of food in the house… awesome. But does making someone eat your kaka really trump munching on someone’s ball jelly? I just don’t know dammit, I just don’t know.

Gears of War 2 came out this morning and my friend Josh has already let me know just how awesome it was since he went out at midnight and stayed up all night. My dedication to video games if huge, but when it comes to sleep I don’t f*ck around, I gets down (I had to say that last part, I think I heard it in some rap song when I was a kid and have been saying it ever since). But I’ve got four days off and aside from going to O’Shaunessy’s tomorrow I’m looking forward to reintroducing myself to what love is. GEARS!!!!!!!!!

And with that… we go to the review:
http://xbox360.ign.com/articles/926/926305p1.html

Laters COGs!!!!!

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

If you didn't vote go to Canada

I voted today and I got a sticker! The voting was pretty $#!TTY cause I had to wake up at 5:10 am (much earlier than I normally go running out the door) and stand with strangers around. I hate how people continue to shuffle closer even though the line doesn’t move for minutes on end. The sticker was easier for me to get. No standing, no picking who might be a great president and steer us out of this turmoil… all I had to do is let some old guy bl0w me. I just sat there while he did all the work and got a free sticker out of it.

That’s not true though, don’t be weird next time I stick my hand out for a high five. I would never be that selfish, I did give the occasional brush of the hair to say “You’re doin’ alright Albert, alright…”

The cl!t tickle- Well, it’s exactly what it sounds like. For those that enjoy the compny (southern word) of a woman on a regular basis, run up on her when she least expects it and deliver. Don’t try to get sexual about it, just go from the heart. Let her enjoy the tickle and the more public the place the better. Get it going at a McDonald’s Playplace, but you have to shout “Clit TICKLE” as you get that tickle on. Mmmm, that’s sexy.

I sharded yesterday when leaving my grandmother’s house. No long story there, just disgusting truth. For those that are curious, poo gets cold if you sit in it for more than a few seconds. Moving on then…

It’s almost been two months since I started picking up and weights and putting them down again (and repeat) but I’ve noticed all of the “eye f*cking” I’ve started to attract is from 45 year old women, most of them have not been friendly with sex appeal over the years. I don’t know what to say… this is not what I expected.

Anyone going to entertain the kiddies tomorrow at Fairfax iNova hospital. To be honest, I hate helping people and other general acts of kindness. But, I love going to make those kids laugh and it even makes you feel good later. Could this spread to helping others? No. Putting a smile of the most charismatic hobo’s face would just make me realize whatever time I spent with him I can never get back. Everyone has their limits.

Whoomp there it is! I challenge anyone to start a work day with that phrase as loud as possible. Though you could be told to simmer down, I’d like to believe that’s just enough to jog Peter (the boss who never smiles or eats lunch) into his youth. If your boss does start to dance uncontrollably, let them dance damn you. You could end up pushing them over the edge, and what does a boss’ suicide mean to the grunt who put in their time? That’s right, 1-5 chance the next boss has a soul. Remember, “WHOOMP THERE IT IS!” Enjoy your Wednesday on me.

Like a 7-year-old kid, I asked my friend to ask his friend if a woman I like has “A Man or KIDS”. I don’t want them to ask her, I just don’t want to invest time and find out she’s a whore or worse… someone’s mother. Gee, I hope Jeff comes back to me with good news.

Veteran’s Day is next Tuesday, while most employers will be observing this on Monday, my employer will not. But that does give me the chance to enjoy a good ol’ four day weekend. Because I took off Monday with my own leave. Gears of War 2 comes out on Friday and though I’m going to work that day, I plan on playing for the next four days until my eyes bleed. I will take short bathroom breaks (no more than 3 poops a day), perhaps feed myself and go to the “O’Shaunessy’s” show on Saturday night. Wednesday won’t be nice to me next week.

After I-don’t-know-how-long of playing nothing but Jay-Z my iPod, which is on shuffle, decided to throw CAKE in between more Jay-Z. Just what’s going on in my life.

Jermaine seems to be having a great time in NY. Just letting everyone that the crime wave that NY refer to as “life” has not claimed the young fowl gentleman. I told him to stop washing and wiping his ass, that’s how I used to keep bees off me in middle school… and coyotes.

I’ll leave you with a final thought: Is anyone else aware that Alaska wants to secede? Who the f*ck knew? Where do they get the balls? More importantly, did anyone realize Palin’s husband is a key figure in this movement (that will never take place)? How was this not on every news channel during the campaigning? I’ve known for about two months and it blows my mind that it’s never brought up.

Laters

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

We used to have something...


What is a hate speech? Is it one that involves throwing a roundhouse kick? I don’t know.

“I don’t care what everyone else is doing you are the one that got sent to the principal’s office! If everyone got all jacked up and starting raping your father would join in?”

Will you be taking graduation pictures with your cap and gown on? “Nah, I’m a vampire. I don’t want to waste the money.”

Pimples within 6 inches of the penis are lesions.

Perfect examples of how times change as do tastes:
Werther’s Caramel was a POPULAR candy when are grandparents were children
Whoopi Goldberg had a love scene in all of her movies in the late 80’s and early 90’s
Kriss Kross
Terrorist ≥ Communists
Jack Black made comedies that weren’t for children: Shallow Hall, High Fidelity, etc…
Britney Spears was hot once
There weren’t CEOs named Shakwonda prior to the late 90’s, not sure if that’s good for blacks or sad cause we can’t make up prettier names
Before condoms were necessary men “pulled out” more effectively… what, it’s true
The Extinction of A Lady
It used to be a secret that big women were sexy, til someone ran their mouth
It used to be okay for women to wear shoes, everything wasn’t open-toed
The Beatles≥U2≥Oasis…. But there can be only one COLDPLAY!!!!
1950 Coca-Cola: $.10 2008 Coke: $1.35
Popular “come-on lines”: Then “Did it hurt? (what?) When you fell from heaven, did it hurt?” Now “Eh B*TCH!”
Booty calls vs. The late night “sex?” text to multiple people at once…
Benningan’s vs. Applebee’s
Being a video game enthusiast was once laughed at. Well eat $#!T losers, cause now video games are one of the only thriving, “recession proof”, businesses to be in. WOOT!
Hitting a girl because you like her vs. hitting a women because you love her
Pluto was a planet, once.
“What the hell is a library?”
A slave was freed from the Confederate States and immediately went and got a dog
An old white man is the underdog in a presidential election, yes.

We’ll stop there, I like how that swings. I know that we don’t live in the age of The Scarlet Letter, but I really think it would be great to brand women with children. For safety precautions.

Yesterday I slept through 98% of my commute to work. It was the scariest drive of my life cause I wanted to wake up and couldn’t.

Marry me Marissa Tomei. I know that the answer would be “no”, but I have to take a chance on love. That’s why we pray isn’t it?

Whenever you’re laughing uncontrollably, do what my friend told me he does: “I think about a new Steve Martin movie. It’s sad.”

People who sneeze “AHCHOO!” should be dragged into the street and sexed. That’ll learn’em.

I might have a story later but for now…

Laters

Monday, October 27, 2008

No no no, don't hug me seriously Mom I think this b*tch gave me the clap or something


Yesterday was the first time in years I have thrown up from drinking. I did get some damn good sleep right afterwards. Praise be to the wolf.


A man in the gym was very kind to me on Saturday. He spoke to me a few days before that and I smiled and quickly ran out the door. I suppose I ran for the same reason I’m ashamed to speak of this man. Because it seems slightly gay to me. The next time I saw him he just gave words of encouragement while I ran. “GET IT!!! Whooo, look at him gettin’ it!” While these things did make me smile, I have nothing to say so it becomes me looking at another man and smiling for a second only to realize I’ve held eye contact too long and look back down. Does this behavior sound familiar to anyone? It should, this is how couples in the 50’s acted while the man was “courting”. How paranoid do you have to be to brand yourself gay?


Nelson and I had Sonic Drive-Thru on Saturday night, I won’t go into any gross detail. I’m a yogurt machine and this was Nelson’s text to me yesterday “idk if Sonic did this but im super gassy and my shit smells like eggs”… thanks Sonic!


The older the dog the more his d*ck stinks. If you don’t believe me get down there get a good sniff of Yeller’s taint. It’s madness… My supervisor has been on vacation for a couple of weeks now and it’s been magical. I only wish it weren’t all coming to an end tomorrow. Please magical beast, hear my voice and make this vacation last forever.


Bebe Winans just ran through my mind. He was being chased by the angriest 9 foot WASP you could ever see. I’m tired and these are the foundations of my semen soaked daydream. Enjoy.


It’s been mentioned in the news all weekend; Jennifer Hudson’s mother and brother (maybe it was a sister, I don’t care) shot to death. A child is missing because of it, their offering $100,000 for the child’s return. Hasn’t anyone leaned in and whispered “You know he’s dead don’t you? They can’t bring him back cause physically he’s face down in a ditch with his pants still off and mentally he’s tap dancing with Jesus…” I would, but I’m also terrible in situations like that. Would they still pay up if someone sent them that nephew in a box? “You may pay me the same way I’ll send you the precious one… in installments” It can’t be too soon for that cause it tickles me so…


ABS- The African booty stench. This is a term that soliders in Lybia refer to the locals with. A friend spent the summer there and told me that people had Jordans on that had not showered in weeks. You could see a woman as fine as Halle Berry but careful, cause once you unleash her body you’re certain to find the ABS. Listening to someone says “ABS” makes me laugh. Why is it so easy to make me laugh? Well, easy for everyone except you Arthur (the aardvark from the popular children’s books and PBS show, I never cared for his personality).


I have a friend that specifically goes out of her way not to watch Morgan Freeman. She’s never liked a role he’s played. Insanity….


A gay man with a horrible Mohawk always tries to make eye contact with. Perhaps the next time I’ll try “the slow jerk” on him in the bathroom. Hopefully he’ll think I’m creepy and not f*ckable in any way.


Jim Carrey apparently does not like sequels, but willing to put his name on Liar Liar 2.14 or The Yes Man. Ace Ventura 3 darnit! If I’m going to see you suck at least let me see you suck something familiar.


All that talk of sucking made me hungry. “F*ck it, who wants some Krispy Kreme?!” Neighborhood children: ME!!!!!!!! (the children stampede Tyler’s Corolla and he lures the kids to 7-11 to fill their stomachs with dairy…. Never to be seen again) Whoa, that was a morbid way to end the blog. How about a funny pic to smoothe that over with…




Laters, mamy!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Signs of a classy society...

A contest that would pay $10,000 to an engaged couple, as long as they abstain from premarital sex, hasn't gotten any takers. The deadline for the Marriage for a Lifetime contest is Oct. 31. The prize includes free flowers, invitations and other wedding treats.

So far, organizer Phillippia Faust hasn't gotten any entries.


She said, "In our society it's going to be hard to find" a couple that hasn't had premarital sex.
Faust has orchestrated mock weddings and other pro-marriage activities through her Marriage Appreciation Training Uplifting Relationship Education program, a nonprofit that isn't church-affiliated. The program is implemented through Rockdale Medical Center.


You're welcome. Laters

Thursday, October 23, 2008


To whom it may concern,


For years I have been using your product, Suave lotion, as my primary love mediator. I have been very satisfied with the quality of your product but am terrified to tell you that I think we have a problem. On Sunday March 16th I noticed that there was a strange smell coming from my nether region. It was comparable to Honeydew melon but I knew I had not eaten any, did I mention I that there seemed to be a hint of rhubarb. I made the decision to let it go, since I have the tendency to overreact. I believe I purchased a prostitute the day before I believed the smell could be from her vagina. I drove up to her on the street and chances are that she had no time to wipe off the juices from the previous customer. Lord knows what his d*ck smelled like… I’m getting off track, excuse me.

About two months later the smell had not completely gone away but I’d grown accustomed to it. It wasn’t until I woke up on Monday May 19th, which also happens to be my birthday, I suspected anything. When I took my normal “good morning whiz” I could hear the stream was interfered. I had my eyes closed but I distinctly heard the pop that Rice Krispies make when milk is added. Upon some very close inspection, followed by a shower since I was sifting through my urine, there were chunks of what looked like snot in the toilet. I immediately knew that something was wrong with me.

The doctor could not pinpoint exactly what could be the problem but he did tell me that I curve to the right because I’m well endowed…. Which is none of your concern. Problems with that part of the body would make anyone stop touching it for a while, I believe. I went four months without a pat, jerk, rub, flip into the waistband or even washing it with soap on my hands. It smells band, but I didn’t want to take any chance that I might make things worse. And you know what? Things got better after about a month. It wasn’t long after the smell went away and the chunky stream stopped for good that I felt the urge coming back strong.

I was eating Macaroni and Cheese, I remember that because initially it was hot cheese falling my scrotum that gave me the idea to get back in the game. I wiped the cheese up and it was delicious, then headed to gather the familiar materials. I had my Suave bottle, two paper towels, a beer and my cell phone. Once everything was done, I hopped in the shower since you never know when your mother will stop by for a visit. When I got in the shower, this is hard to say, I saw d*ck meat come out of the hole. I can only liken it to a hemorrhoid on my d*ck. I wish this on no one. This is hell, I can’t make love, I can’t wear jeans and I barely shower anymore. Doctors tell me that they’ll have to remove the shaft to stop the leakage, but I’d prefer my heart fall out of my crotch before I let them cut off Leonard (that was his name before you turned him into a freak).

One man cannot change a corporation, and I’m certainly not foolish enough to think I can, but my story must be heard. I pray that whoever’s eyes should find this has the courage to help a little guy from Virginia find justice. All I want is a new P*nis, I’d prefer if it were black to match my skin complexion. Let me know if you need exact shades and I will send a picture with “it” next to a chart from Lowe’s. Thanks for your help in advance and God’s speed.


Forever Tainted,

Tyler Brockula Richardson


Laters, oh and just in case someone spots this and wants to sue: “In no way does Suave cause penile problems when jerkin’ it. But to be safe, please use Jergens in any scent you choose, they’re the best. And best for you!”

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

If you can't go out with me Saturday then would you at least bang me on Sunday?! I've got $70 bucks!

What’s new?
$#!T, same story different chapter. I had some sausage that doesn’t agree with me last night…
Too much information after I asked what’s new. That’s 12:11 pm conversation and it’s only 9:42 am. Let’s play a game…
Okay.
Word Association, you’re first, ready?
Milk
Bitty
Smile
Bitty
Seriously?
Bitty
No, I mean are you seriously going to say that no matter what word I throw at you?
You’re right, I’ll throw out a word… Dexterity
Umm…
Homeostasis
Uh…
Sarcophagus
Mmmm…
Supercalafragilis…
Okay, I don’t really know what the other ones mean but I know that ain’t a word.
Too right, forget it, you’ve got “Bitty” on the mind and my vocabulary’s too short for this game.


Yesterday I got to see a man discover that his Escalade had just been put on cinder blocks… what is it about other people’s pain that brings me such joy?

For anyone that was paying attention, Mr. Cousson was blogging for “I don’t know how many” consecutive days. That has apparently come to a stop and part of me thinks it’s because he’s fallen in with a cult. Until we hear from his blog again I’d like that to be the rumor about him. Young people are impressionable and often fall in with the wrong crowd. Let us pray they don’t claim young Atif as well. With the balls it took for Justin to begin his last blog with a picture of Chris Haynes and Atif’s Man-ificent beard, that cult could begin selling the most disturbing porn known to man. “Blue Beard and J wit da BIG nuts: Winter Break Edition”… Find him Atif, find him.

“I want Bitty… but Mommy I want Bitty now” that phrase from Little Britain USA never gets old to me. Every week I find the show getting funnier and funnier to me. Could be that I love Britain humor (no punchlines) or it could be that they sandwiched it in between Entourage and Life and Times of Tim. Whatever, it’s hilarious.

Fable II is not that great, I watched Nelson play for awhile before realizing that I could turn my controller on and get in there with him. Maybe it’s because RPGs take too long for this ADD wannabe, or maybe it’s because of how simple the controls are. I’ll pass, but GEARS OF WAR 2 arrives in just about two weeks. WOOT!!!!
Bitty.


If anyone heard of who made it through Baltimore’s round of Stand Up for Diversity please say something. For crying out loud these blog-a-majigs are supposed to be for learning. And trash talk… Eli Sairs is smelly. So there…

I keep writing jokes and fighting the urge to drive out and say them. It’s like fighting a good “jerkin” when no one’s around and
www.youporn.com is streaming at it’s fastest. Maybe this is God’s way of telling me to jerk it, or get out of the house and perform. Probably the second one, “Okay God, okay.”

Does a desk bigger than your friends make you feel better than them? Yes, because going over to visit my friend Jeff who recently got a promotion meant seeing him sitting at a desk that he could have paper football tournaments on. Is it sad that was my first thought other than “Wow, he must get all kinds of work done here…”? Of course not, I was a paper football champion in high school. It never goes away, “I scored five touchdowns in a single game!”

For those that aren’t Married with Children buffs, that last quote up there was Al Bundy’s claim to fame. That, and “Let’s Rock”.

“If I had a million dollars! I’d probably have you shot.”

That’s a little diddy that my friend used to sing in Basic Training. What’s sad is that for the first time since I got out of AIT in TX back in 01’ I honestly can’t remember his name. He was the funniest guy I’ve ever met and now I can’t even remember his name, I remember his face clear as day though. Laziness made me break my promise that my clan from Basic and AIT would keep in touch, don’t let it happen to you people.

I watched a grown man look away while receiving his flu shot earlier this morning. That is the gayest thing I’ve seen all month. What grown man should be afraid of a needle, unless it’s going into your heart through your sternum. That’s reason to be scared.

Well ya’ll, it’s time for me to get some of this “work” done. I’ve treasured our time together today and hope that you watch that Jay-Z video from yesterday and go find the full song somewhere.

Laters (or as the Fowlest would say)… Peaces

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Blueprint III...

And a real blog coming tomorrow. What is with the lack of blogicals?! I miss the controversy of the DCComedy4Now blog... oh well, new $#!T coming tomorrow. I'd do it today but I've having way to much fun daydreaming at my desk.

Laters

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Becca, I'm sorry I forgot your B-Day, I don't deserve you... Eli raise our child. Name him Bastard, for me...

I took a Popsicle into the men’s bathroom earlier today while I made a $#!T. The imagery of it is what tickles me so…

Becca, don't be alarmed that our child would look like this. What did you expect eating all cream cheese? I told you there would be consequences. (what's horrible is that I find this picture so funny I burst into tears with laughter as I showed it to my Friend, what's that say about me?)

John McCain seemed downright immature and unprofessional last night. I’ve heard people say that he was more aggressive and attacking… is that what we call interrupting non-stop, making false accusations, demanding an apology for someone else’s statement and showing his contempt for Obama through his blinks, sighs and eye-rolling. How OLD are you?! Obama was calm and cool (I love that he kept smirking) but the best part of the night was that he stuck a little “Fox News” shout out in one of his remarks. Bias news coverage that blatant should not go unanswered. Overall, an okay night for Obama and just plain embarrassing for one John McCain.

A friend asked me why I don’t play my trumpet anymore and I told her that I lost it in my band room in the 11th grade. “So what are you going to play with your son when he gets older? You need to be practicing now to show him someday.” My response was, “I’ll have given him the only instrument that a boy needs… cock.” The end.

Today is a weird day because I only smell pennies. I don’t know why and it kind of freaks me out, but it’s all I can smell. I hope this isn’t a symptom that one of the balls has to go. What type of cancer makes you smell only pennies?!

I want to write a joke where I relate to men who have slept with a woman without taking a shower for a day. The next day when you use the bathroom at work you generally catch a whiff of “the dong” still glazed over with “her juices” and the scent is beautiful to you and probably gross to someone the next stall over. Similar to the question “Can other men smell my nuts at the urinal?” Imagine walking up while some guy is soaked in a woman he loves and seeing him roll his eyes back in ecstasy as he gets another whiff. You start to urinate and can’t help but lean in to catch a whiff yourself… I’M CURIOUS, DON’T JUDGE ME. To your dismay, it’s the grossest thing you’ve ever smelled, this woman must live on a diet of Asparagus. One man’s trash another man’s treasure. I like the premise but worry that some people would think they were too “mature” to laugh at that. Then again, maybe it’s not funny at all… hmmm.

Call me nuts, but executives always have the most boring dribble when they walk in groups somewhere. Why is it that the best thing they can find to talk about is their children? I pray that I never find myself forced to converse about things that make me wanna die just to have something to say. That’s what the bliss of silence is for. It’s golden, and I don’t care what your child is studying?

I think easy women (aka 99.9%) should wear a pendant or something to let you know they’re promiscuous. It would make it a lot easier to introduce myself if I already know they’re thinking about d*ck.

Passed the woman of my dreams again in the hall on my way to breakfast again. My Spanish love, that’s what I named her about a year ago. One day I’ll think of something to say and bump into her (notice the order) that way she thinks we bumped on accident. I’m a stalker, but I stalk for love.

Would it be inappropriate to come to work in REALLY tight suit? For instance, a suit with slacks so tight they left no detail of “the dong” a secret. I’d love to hear the conversation of a supervisor asking you to leave and get new pants while trying not to stare at the constellation (cause all you see is the outline, get it). Next Thursday…

W. comes out tomorrow, already. I’ve yet to see a trailer for this movie. That is all, will I see it? No. As a child I was bored when my mom made me watch JFK, bored-er (I know it’s not a word but I’m far too lazy to go back and rewrite this sentence) when she made me watch Nixon and I’ll be damned if I give Oliver Stone my concentration as an adult. Natural Born Killers was the bomb though.

I wonder if I have an STD, sorry, I just can’t stop wondering why I’m smelling pennies.

Something to consider when you get home: Downloading Saving All My Love For You by Whitney Houston

I just heard someone speak something in African ( I’m aware that’s the continent not the language but forgive my cultural ignorance) and it sounded like they were kicking it off into the theme from Tazmania. Do you remember how incredibly awesome that show was?! “You see son, life is like a big glass of OJ, and blah blah blah yakkidy smackidy…” timeless.

Can’t stay awake, need t*ttiesmmmm. Never mind, boner achieved, I am awake now.

Here’s to Lucinda. I hope you kept the baby.

Laters

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

If you didn't drink my pickle juice I don't see why you care that it was urine...

Homegrown Comedy was a blast on Friday night. Adrian came out strong and eased the booze down the paying customers throats. Then Jake got out there and showed the longest dirtiest Aristocrats joke that club has seen in a fort night (not really, he told jokeys). Will stood up and had a puppet show describing what hemorrhoids are and how they are removed, it was as classy as Mr. Hessler’s monocle. Nora, who I had not seen before, was incredible and probably had the best set of the night. I loved seeing Eli up there looking all nervous and sensuous, “Because you’re BLACK” easily the best one liner of the night. Tyler S. came down with Thor’s axe and refused to tell a joke until someone pointed him in the direction of the King’s finest meads. And, there was someone else… hmmm “Who the f*ck is T…” I had a ball and didn’t wet my pants not one time that night. Then I went to the dopeman’s casa and started my weekend off right.

Saturday I was supposed to head to Baltimore and wait in line, thus having a great blog of getting told “no” by NBC. I couldn’t think of a great joke of mine (or anyone else’s) that would be good enough to get NBC’s attention. So I flipped a coin several times, spoke to God (via the coin) and decided not to go. If I don’t think my jokes were good enough who will? {Short Weed Coma}
Which leads us to Sunday morning- I woke up and was hit with a joke that I can’t believe I thought of while on the $#!TTER. I think it’s funny, but more importantly I enjoy saying to myself over and over again. I can’t wait to bust it out this week. I hope we have another Aparna story to tell from all the guys who went up there to Baltimore, bring it on home for D.C. baby!

I got a haircut, I look like Denzel… to a racist man who thinks we all look alike.

I watched more “adult films” than I care to share (numbers wise). At no point should going back to you’re computer feel like smoking a cigarette. But sure enough, every 20 minutes or so… what is it about women with GIGANTO butties riding a man to a good soundtrack that makes me so wet?! I meant hard… shut up.

KFC’s Hot Wings have ruined the majority of my morning. I’m still going home to finish off that 20 piece dammit. I’m no quitter… bring on the ‘Roids.

Here’s an image to wrap your brain around:
A naked man tap dancing in slow motion. “It’s like everything moves independent of everything else… oh God”.

Remember the old books by Beverly Cleary, named after the lovable Ramona (I want to say her last name was Beasly)? Good times huh?

I liked Chris Rock’s new special that I saw last night (I know it premiered before that). That’s a big deal to me since I never really like his specials, as a whole, before. With age comes different tastes. Perhaps I’ll grow to like the taste of Heroine… it’s such a big world.

I got to chat with Rory Scovel again on Friday night, does it get any classier than that man? I remembered my name people, normally that wouldn’t mean anything but he’s been on Comedy Central. Now if only I could get him to chew some gum and let me seal it in my wallet. What?! How else am I supposed to prove to “normies” that I’ve spoken to someone on television?!

My dog Max is starting to get those Van Wilder nuts. Just keeping everyone up to speed on Max’s “Cage”. I thought it was important.

Don’t piss off a rattlesnake, it’s just stupid. Let their grammar mistakes slide..

My cologne smells so good I just wanna stand on my desk and dance like an ecstasy addict. Rubbing my body like I was working in oils or something. Problem is that everyone would see me, and how will I ever tell the woman I’m in love with the truth was a reputation like that proceeding me? Ugg, being a grown up sucks d*ck, I never get to do anything I want.

Nelson is losing his hair. There, I said it.

Laters

Friday, October 10, 2008

Don't sneeze, that's how AIDS gets spread

Friday never smelled like yellow cake before. Which is good cause I love yellow cake!!!

Went to the Arlington Draft house and saw some familiar faces known for comedic tales… and armed robbery. So let’s see who were they? Will (I haven’t wiped after a $#!T for a week cause it’s good luck) Hessler, Atif (I wear cologne that makes men question going for the kiss when we give hug n’ pound) Myers, Rob (I’m just a pimp, cause I brought all the women) Maher and Andy (Andy’s just plain cool) Kline. Room was full of suits that came just wanting to drink around their hot co-workers and they got so much more. Stories ripped straight from a porno star’s worst semen soaked nightmares, and the occasional laugh.

The SNL half hour skit mocking the debate last night sucked. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe only the first 8 minutes sucked and then it became as hilarious as the skits of Farley, Hartman, Ferrell, Sandler, Lovitz, Meadows, Murphy, Martin, Aykroyd, O’ Teri, Shannon, Belushi and Chevy Chase (Make notice that none of them are currently in the line-up). When will someone stand up to Tina Fey and proclaim that as soon as she became the head writer, the show turned into buttered $#!T. I praise the other writers on 30 Rock because they must be so funny that their drowning out her stank. While she is bone-a-rrific, I have the sneaking suspicion that whenever he significant other laughs at her jokes, he dreams of the next time they bump uglies. Does it strike anyone else as sad that the only person they could find to do Obama is a white man? And I thought Darrell Hammond was done with SNL, why do the McCain impression?! You wanna have to come back if his deal with Satan sticks and he becomes the next president? 4 more years of that craptacular writing? That’s a step back Darrell, think of the children…

I seem doomed to love a woman I can’t speak to and to have the love of women I don’t want to speak to. Time for some Chuck Mangione, “How do you do it Chuck, how do you do it?”

I feel like blaring some Michael McDonald at my desk but that would be so distracting to everyone else. Not necessarily the singing but the laughter. Something about his voice, I just laugh uncontrollably whenever I hear him sing. Even if they put his CD in at my mother’s funeral…

I straight raped that sandwich!- Atif Myers

That game was straight sex!- TRich Boogey (2002)

Similar, could it be through mind link Atif has tapped into some of my inner nasty? We’ll find out if he starts coming to the stage with just the tip out of the fly. Cause I think that would be hilarious. Not laugh out loud hilarious, but “Ugh…” hilarious. They say the best things in life are free.

Gotta love pay-days, the wolf picks a child to execute the multiplication table up to 50x50. If the child does not answer correctly then he is folded in half until you hear pop, but when he is correct everyone is given a coarsen for many moons. The night time is the right time…

So many things can happen in 8 minutes but I keep telling myself to leave cartwheels out of my routine tonight. Damn this urge to be a showman.

The new show Testees was pretty, pretty , pretty… pretty sweet. Something new, I like that, I hope every week they can keep up the good writing, WE WILL SEE TESTEES… WE WILL SEE.

I’m sleepy and bored. I’m gonna go, let’s do the run down:
TONIGHT
Homegrown Comedy hosted by Hampton Yount
Adrian Rodney
Will Hessler
Jake Young
Nora Nolan
Tyler Richardson
Eli Sairs
Tyler Sonnichsen

Then on Sunday
NBC’s Stand Up for Diversity Initiative
Where: The Baltimore Comedy Factory
When: 10 A.M.
Huh: They’re only seeing the first 100 people/comics that show up. (Since we all know there are 1 million comics in hiding in Baltimore, plan accordingly…)

Laters…

Thursday, October 09, 2008

"Because she is the only prostitute I can afford..."


Hard to believe it was a year ago that I saw Hampton destroy at the DC Improv showcase and win. Seems like yesterday, my how time flies.

As I get ready to make my way down to the Arlington Drafthouse tonight I’m a lot calmer than normal. The past two times that I went to the Improv for the competition I believe I kind psyched myself up too much, WAY too much the first time. In retrospect, I wasn’t ready the first time, I knew that going into the last time. Last time I was in with Jason Weems and Nick Mullen. Weems killed it just like everyone expected him too, and Mullen killed too without making his jokes any more politically correct or less offensive than any other time he’s onstage. I watched the tape that Deeley (Don’t F with Joe) taped and cringed at my set last February. With eight minutes on tape I started with laughs and then came two jokes that I no longer do after watching that tape. Lord knows how long I was telling the Magician and “Jesus wasn’t white” joke, but God… sometimes they got laughs though but definitely not that night. It broke my heart spirit when I didn’t even place. When they called Big Mike’s name I almost lost it, I told myself that even though Weems would win I was certain to at least place. Nope, and I was angry and bitter for a while. That’s about the time that I really started talking to the Fowlest. Because, unless I’m the only one, sometimes we need to speak freely about what we feel is going on and people have a tendency to judge you. God, I hope I’m not the only person in this wonderful loving community that has ever had something that might be considered “hating” to say. Like I said, I was bitter and had my ego crippled. Now over a year has gone by and I think I’m in a different place now. For starters, Jay made it so that it’s no longer a competition and now (with Allyson watching) all you have to do is be funny and not funny than. That’s all I ever really wanted, hopefully I’ll be funny. The Richmond Funnybone definitely gave me a boost in confidence since they showed me a lot of love, last Halloween was my first show there and I never would’ve guessed that I’d be making so many trips down after the disaster that show was. The Spy Lounge started last November and though it’s all Eli’s baby now it was really cool seeing a lot of familiar faces whenever I made it up there. I actually like telling a some of my jokes. Not to say there haven’t been moments where I’ve taken a step back “I don’t think you’re ready to host at the Improv”- Tim (at the time) Miller. Even though I might didn’t agree with that when he told me, it runs through my mind all the time. That was probably almost a year ago but it still runs through my mind. But no one says that kind of thing to people’s faces they usually let the wander. Which is why I respected that he told me that, I didn’t think he was trying to hurt my feelings it was just the two of us having a phone conversation. And since he’s working at the Improv and I’m not, I’ll take all the criticism I can get, but be careful anony’s… I’m sensitive. I hope tomorrow night is a blast, I’m sure it will be. The only part that I’ll miss about the old competition is that hallway that the main showroom has. Something about standing back by that curtain makes me feel like a kid again. Maybe if I get a few chuckles I can see that hallway again…

Not too long ago my sister ate some of my Macaroni and Cheese that my Granny made for me. I don’t play around when it comes to my Granny’s cooking and I was really shocked that when it was offered before I took it all, she had some. So here’s the plan: On a random day that I know my mother and sister are eating dinner I show up and ring the door. My mother will make my sister answer the door because “she said so”, as soon as she opens the door I b*tch slap her to the ground. I walk over her limp 12-year-old body towards the dining room. While my mother freaks out and doesn’t know what’s going on I grab the entire plate of food that my sister hadn’t gotten a chance to enjoy. I take the food back to my car. When stepping back over the kid’s body I turn and say “You never should have touched my Mac & Chee!” then I get in the car and drive home. The end.

The key to a man’s heart is buried deep within the genitals. It can only be reached with saliva… BeeeeJaaaayeeee! (To be pronounced Be-Jay-E)

You can’t hit a woman cause it’s illegal, but I’m pretty sure you can urinate towards her feet to shut her up. Unless you’re in public, which I’m pretty sure is illegal.

Nelson went to the hospital at 2:30 in the morning cause whatever he’s got came back way worse last night. He’s confident that it’s fleas cause someone told him they had fleas, which I think is moronic. If he had fleas shouldn’t I or better yet my dog? After waiting for 4 hours in the ER, they sent him home without a diagnosis but did tell him to “clean your room and wash everything in hot water. Your co-pay will be $100…” when you’re a doctor life must be sweet.

Apparently Jeff Bridges is reprising his role from Tron for the sequel. I wish I had seen Tron back in the day so I was excited. Though whenever “The Dude” shows us a new masterpiece far be it from this dude not to oblige.

After hearing Bow Wow and Soulja Boy Tell’em’s song Marco Polo I went out and slapped a tree with frozen meat. I needed to tenderize the meat and the tree seemed like a good idea but that song was TERRIBLE.

I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket. Should you find her the bounty is as follows: $10,000 dead and $500,000 if the corpse is still warm enough for… me. No questions.

Lately my eyes have been diverted to boob meat a lot more than normal. Normal is a lot so I don’t even know what to call the last few days. I’ve almost gotten into car accidents from looking at them lately. Not that funny but eerily true.

Common mistakes:
A lot
Ar
Christopher Columbus discovered America
Steve Martin still makes funny movies, by my count Father of the Bride II was the last
Watermelon are loved by black people
Guys want to be friends
Other people’s cultures are cool
Smoking cause lung cancer which ultimately kills people, really it’s AIDS that come from all that cool sex smoking brings. Cause smoking is cool
A woman’s face doesn’t matter is her body is “aight”. Ugly people are gross.
Sex is better than taking a $#!T. Last I checked, $#!T was expecting anything from you just effort
Bologna is meat… just plain gross is what it is
A prisoner would have to kill you before he takes your manginity. In truth he just knocks you out and you wake up in pain. Plus semen is falling out of you… or so my friend Wilhite the prison guard has told me

MMMMkay, I’m gonna go cause if I don’t get up and walk around I’m gonna fall asleep. Again…

Laters

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Back up Johnny, I'll piss at you


This morning, Elliot from Elliot in the morning said the most ignorant thing I’ve ever heard. “Barack Obama is black, he’s not half…” I’ve joked with friends about how the media calls him black and pretends not to acknowledge his FAMILY. But he actually silenced a woman while she argued how his mother and grandparents who raised him were white. Do I care if he’s half? No. But the fact that a Elliot (who I kind of worship) was so adamant about him only being black took me back to conversations with older black people throughout my life. “White people don’t care if you’re light skinned, mixed or whatever. If you have a drop of black in you, YOU ARE BLACK…” I’ve heard that statement or something very close to it all my life. Not that I’m naive and believe that racism is dead or even dying but it’s sad. It’s about as sad as the fact that they know Jesus Christ, a man from (f’ing) Jerusalem, was not white but I guarantee there is someone painting a picture of him white right now. He is not Santa Claus nor is he up to interpretation. He existed… sigh… I’m gonna move onto something that might not offend someone, like my topic of breast cancer awareness yesterday (wink). Woosa…

Steve Chandler just texted me that while working with Kriss Kross they were unforgiving… classic. Don’t worry about the build up to it or why he would reference them, just take a second to drink in that he pulled Kriss Kross out of his ass for you and I to laugh at. Ah, to be young.

Last night while watching the debate with my favorite Asian, I had a recurring thought. Every time I got up for more Gumbo, four days in a row now (I’m as regular as scheduled programming), I turned and could almost see some crazy man stand up and shout “Black Son of a B*tch!” and then a bomb goes off taking out both presidential candidates. It would be the craziest thing ever broadcast on television followed by JFK’s assassination and Janet Jackson’s Boob-meat. What scares the ever loving sweet crap out of me is that in a race between Sarah Palin and Joe Biden I think Biden would lose. Do we not recognize that Sarah Palin is the devil in a really hot cougar outfit. I’ve never seen her shower, love to, but never seen it. The Devil is afraid of water…

Which is less offensive? To ask your boss who they are voting for, or to break wind (my Granny still says that) while they are leaning over your shoulder? Becca, since you’re the only one that speaks up I’m looking your way. Anony’s, c’mon…

First question to ask God when I get to heaven: “God, why did you make some men have small penises? Was that necessary or were you just evening the playing field?”

I actually did something I’m not proud of last night. Nelson and I stole trash. While walking to our gym we saw a chair that looked straight out of IKEA and both wondered why someone threw that out. To set the record straight, we are completely opposed to that, and have money. But it looked so new we had to drag it into the light and get a better look once we were done with our workout. It checked out, we still took precautions though. We cleaned it, vacuumed it and let it set there. During the debate Nelson jumped over and sat on it to see if it was at least a little comfortable. He sat on it for literally 3 seconds. “It’s still wet, looked dry but … nope” he then got up and sat back on the couch. FLASH FORWARD: This morning I hear someone showering in the hall bathroom at about 5:30 am. I go back to sleep thinking our other friend Kevin actually came home (we haven’t seen him since last Thursday, could be dead except I keep seeing his car at work in the parking garage) last night. When it was finally time to wake up I opened my door to go get something. A scream from the bathroom “DON’T SIT ON THAT CHAIR!!!!” I wasn’t planning on it and told Nelson that. He says “I’ll tell you why in a second” he had been in the shower for the better part of an hour. When he came out he looked like he was wearing camouflage skin, hives all over. Apparently he’s allergic, or someone bought that chair just to play a cruel joke. Terrible way to start the day, luckily I did not sit on that chair even to test it out. So the trash chair experiment was a failure, and our upbringings should have taught us better than to take someone’s trash. We laughed about it as we ran from the compactor back to our place, I guess the chair got the last laugh. Don’t dig through trash people, it’s trash for a reason. Poor Nelson…lol… that wasn’t right.

There is a woman that walks by me everyday that has looked pregnant since I got here. I’ve finally given up that notion because she never has a bra on. That’s not motherly…

An analyst in my team would be a really attractive white woman if it weren’t for her “man hands”. All that ass, what a waste, though to be honest I’d still do her if her fiancĂ© hadn’t just died. Baggage…

What does the PH stand for in NPH? “Patrick Harris” Common mistake, it actually stands for Poon Handler. –NPH, Harold and Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Boss lady bought the team Panera today. Is it wrong that all I can think about is fried chicken? … and P*ssy.

(an hour and half passes, for me to deliver the next real life story)

Coming back from lunch my friend Cassaundra and I are waiting for an elevator. Literally 12 people decide they want to cram in the first one to come along. I’m never that confident in my shower or deodorant that I want a stranger practically making out with me for four floors… a Christian not a whore. So we wait for the next elevator, and four people, including us get in. We all joke about the crowded elevator until ours stops at the 3rd floor to let 8 people in. Then we’re sardines just like those that gave us such a hardy laugh. They smelled like smoke and then the doors closed. It stops again at the 4th floor and no one gets off when the door opens… is someone else about to get on. When the doors opened up and we took a look around, it dawned on everyone that the MORBIDLY OBESE man standing near the button wanted on. Maybe he didn’t want to jeopardize the maximum load capacity (seriously, with that many people it was a sure bet that we were too heavy) or he saw the terror in everyone’s eyes, but he took a step back and let the doors close again. It was then the elevator burst into laughter. Who started the laughter… Cassaundra and I. Good times…

Gotta go, this whole Homegrown Comedy thing has really driven the blog views so… keep that going.

Laters

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

That $#!T$ weaker than my erocktion


Last night I had a nightmare that about a woman that I have only spoken to once. This is the definition of a single, lonely man. Oh, but I did have Steak’Ums… and more Gumbo.

I wore new cologne today and I keep catching whiffs of myself. I’m beautiful…ah. Oh no, erocktion. (that last word was a mixture of two great things erection + rock)

Macaulay Culkin is the man, why? Cause he was smart enough to snatch up Mila Kunis years ago and never let go. Congrateys, now that I finally finish Forgetting Sarah Marshall (not f*cking bad) I can appreciate that she is damn near perfect.

Why do erocktions smell like almonds?

My stomach feels funny, I can’t help but replay footage from this morning where I picked up these two sausages that I questioned the moment I laid eyes on them. Mistake.

What is a grammatical error, if not the only weapon that we have against the terrible Wizard of eloquence. We have to keep him at bay.

I could swear I smell feet right now. God, I hope they aren’t mine. Then again, if they were someone else’s feet how bad would they stink to catch me over here. But all the women around me don’t have shoe-zens on. (Why the f*ck do they do that, I hate FEET) Could this be the terrible inbred offspring of all the odors not wearing a condom? Iraqi, Black- Puerto Rican, African and good ol’ fashioned Black… gross.

How funny would it be to stone a man to death? Seriously.

Yesterday I went to the bathroom, Gumbo got me, and it was packed like someone made a Glory Hole. I had to seem like a man-child cause I went to a stall and closed the door. I didn’t like how close the two guys feet were to the middle stall I was in so I spun around and dipped. I have issues, I know this but can only watch as I do the things I do.

Condoms for Halloween have been done, yes. Pennies, soda, porn and even candy. Which is why I’m considering BVD underwear. Once I hand out about 12, I’m done. I ain’t spending the kind of money it would take for two 12 packs on those bastards. I’m nobody’s daddy!

My Lil Wayne fetish has caused me to download about 50 songs this weekend that weren’t on a CD. It’s pretty gay, but the music is slamming. Sigh…

My friend Cassaundra sneezed all over a bunch of papers on her desk while talking to me. The sneeze sounded like it was chunky, and angry. She WIPED the papers off and I said jokingly “You aren’t going to hand those papers to anyone are you?” She said “Yeah, you…” then she handed me a form that was necessary for me to look at… UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

Britney Spears…. Vagina…. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles… Firecrackers…Pubic Hair

Had you asked me how much all of these things kicked ass at one point in my life I would have told you “Enough ass that we couldn’t carry it all back in the house”. Nowadays I’m tempted to reply back a list of better things:

Beyonce….Conversation worth having… A Slave or indentured servant… Mary Jane… Cologne


I don’t know how he did it but I actually found myself liking Kanye West’s song Love Lockdown… sigh. If anyone saw the VH1 hip hop honors it was AWESOME, finally someone paid homage to SLICK RICK tha ruler!!!! And he performed Children’s Story, does it get any better? (No, shh, no)

This morning a blind man waited on a curb tapping his cane before, I’m guessing, he tried crossing the street. This was during the busiest time of the morning and he was not at a crosswalk. I wanted to stop the car and help out, which is weird cause I’m a terrible person deep down inside, but I had to get to work. That’s all, it just gave me a second to think of how hard someone else’s life is on a day to day basis. Sometimes we take things for granted until we see someone else that has it so much harder than ours. Just look at the Do Do Bird, they’re all dead people… they’re all dead.

I hate the women who walked for Breast cancer on Friday, I sat in traffic an additional hour cause of them. Yep, I really don’t care and friend and I had a debate about Breast cancer awareness. I think we’re pretty aware, this is not 91’ and most people are aware and also aware that there is A LOT of funding for Breast cancer (notice I capitalize the “B” in breast out of respect). I honestly don’t know how many people die from it (don’t get all pissy if you’re friend’s mom died from it, I don’t even know her… sheessh) but it can’t be killing of as many women as it once did, in the 90’s. I’m not even sure they’re still chopping of women’s breasts for that anymore, except for Sheryl Crowe, I heard it looked pretty gross. Let’s get people aware of something they don’t know about like the Scabies. Keep the pink ribbons, they’re yours…

Poop. That’s funny to me.

New slogan of the day: Seagram’s Ginger Ale “Cause you accidentally kissed that hooker last night”

Huh? You didn’t like that slogan?! I put a lot of work on that. C’mon… f*ck it.

I’m gonna get some work done, enjoy yourself. Drafthouse- Thursday, Improv- Friday, Diversity- Sunday, Rule the world with the help of THE WOLF- Tuesday…

Laters

About Me

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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