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Thursday, December 27, 2007

All Fro'd the F*ck out!

Well, here we are.... it's so close to the new year I can hardly stand it. I felt like going into 2007, it was gonna be a great year. I think I was right, I accomplished a lot of things that I wanted to and set new goals while doing so. I'm sure that we all did, and hopefully you've done most( preferably all) of the things that you set out to do this year. In comedy or in life. Let's roll through some things that were interesting to me in this thing we call 2007:

  1. Lost at the DC Improv to Jason Weems(I don't feel too bad about that, but I didn't place... that sucked)

  2. Got a career, left being a car salesman behind me

  3. Moved out from the neighborhood across the street from my ex

  4. Discovered Guitar Hero 2 then 3 then ROCK BAND!

  5. Met John X

  6. Bought my own iPod( up til' this summer, I was using Nelson's)

  7. Slept outside in Times Square with the Fowlest and Keith

  8. Saw Hampton win at the Improv

  9. Jake Young and Jermaine won too!

  10. Saw Rob's "Pimp" pad, nicely done Mr. Maher

  11. Had the biggest slice of pizza I'd never dreamed of

  12. Got a both feet in the door at the Richmond Funnybone (finally)

  13. Bought and guzzled Absinthe.... all hail the green fairy

  14. Fell in love with Heath Ledger's version of the Joker

  15. Fell in love with Tyler Richardson

  16. Started an open mic (I'm so lazy that's something I never saw happening)

  17. Got a great tape on stage (still waiting to see it, but the show was bananas so... fingers crossed)

  18. Put on Tyler vs. Tyler... finally

  19. Went on XM Radio

  20. Went to a wedding for the first time and was a groomsman for one of my closest friends

  21. Spent a weekend gambling for the bachelor party

  22. Hustled the hell out of colleges and got some work for it

  23. Saw Rory on Live at Gotham with Herbie

  24. Made a few enemies here and there

  25. No one that I knew died

  26. Met Charlie Rutherford, the strangest man on the planet

  27. Picked up a couple of friendships that I thought were done, but were most important

I bring these up to make you reflect on what you accomplished in 2007. I bet there are some things that happened that you you'd be very proud of that might slip your mind. Take a second and reflect, you might not have believed some of the things you did would be possible. So...


Friday, December 21, 2007

May you all have a Merry Christmas!!!!

Please be safe, love you're family, friends,
neighbors, or whoever is important in your life
Merry Christmas everyone!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

I found out I have feelings yesterday...

As I was about to go to lunch yesterday I was shocked to find out that Ciara(work buddy I normally roll with) was having lunch with her sister and a friend. Normally that wouldn't be a problem, cause I'd just roll with. But, they had decided on eating at some NOODLE house and damned if I'm gonna give up a perfectly good lunch for that jive. So, I turn to Charlie, who is broke and says "nah, I'm good. I'll stay at my desk." I'm not about to eat at my desk when there are all these women running around downstairs, so I turn to Amy and ask what plans are. She says that she and Ann are going to Five Guys, I say "I'm in!"... this is where it gets dark for our hero folks. She fired back with "Who said you were invited?!" and all I could do was pause and walk back to my seat. I eat with them everyday, so I never expected that. I was kinda crushed, I must say. I sat down and told myself that I just wouldn't eat today and then got really angry at the fact I even cared. So while I sped through what was left of my work, I could only focus on how soft I've gone. I used to take great pleasure in what an @ssh0le I was, and look at me now... happy. Well, the story ends with the fact that I missed Amy saying she was just joking and everyone coming over and laughing at how visibly angry I was. For those that are curious as to what I had at Five Guys, I had a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger with Regular fries and about 4 refills of Sprite w/ Fruit punch mixed in. I just felt like knowing my order would really bring that whole story home.... moving on then.

If you don't have Lupe Fiasco's The Cool, "What the F@ck is you doin'?!!" Don't take my word for it, every review says basically the same thing:
"Hits like crack, but you won't wake up in your own urine" - Entertainment Tonight
"That Ni99a's Fire son" - President George W. Bush
"The last time my homeboy put me on to something that vicious, I caught the clap"- Jermaine Fowler
"I could be gay for him"- (requested to remain anonymous)
"Make Kanye's Graduation look like a Diddy album!"- Diddy

and it just goes on and on(truthfully I could have done that 30-40 more times but wanted to spare you guys)
I keep getting Christmas cards from people at work, but I'm not giving any. That's really all there is to that but it makes me feel a little bad... but either way I'm not spending a dime on someone that I work with. Remember, they are the enemy...
Interestingly enough, as I began to "mack" a female at work the has vitiligo, there was an interesting story on a broadcaster that has the same affliction. Luckily, she is pretty much without pigment so it's not a spots thing, she's just black with out being black anywhere. But the freckles still look good though. Here is the story: http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/2007-12-16-vitiligo_N.htm?imw=Y

Well, I'll try to come up with something good for tomorrow but until then

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Hi Erin, 143

I just wanted her to know. But let's carry on with the Christmas spirit shall we. Ahem....

I've got a Golden Ticket!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Why so serious?

And here we are smack dab in the middle of a boring A$$ Tuesday morning... Uggg! It was so cold this morning that I couldn't move, plus I had no time to heat up the car so I was literally driving down the road in a giant ice block for a few miles. And then I hit the B!+ch that we call interstate traffic.... Uggg! And of course there was no dead body for me at the end of that yellow brick road. And someone had the audacity to judge me this morning for wishing to see a corpse at the end of the rainbow. I'm only human aren't I? Then she beat me to work and she left home 45 minutes after me! Uggg! But let us move along folks...

Yesterday I pulled such an a-holeish move that even I had to look back in (almost)shame and say "damn, that was a D**k move". Here is why: A few people from my section and I wanted to order some pizza(and of course it was from Pizza Hut, I'm American dammit). We asked Mr. Rutherford if he would like to get down on some with us, his reply was "not hungry"which we all knew was a front for being broke. Cause Lord knows he lets the world know his troubles. Now, I don't feel the least bit of sympathy for him cause when you ask a woman with two children AND a child of yours (that's 3 folks) you take a risk (at 24 years old) you might be a little strapped for cash. I think I'd rather commit suicide than have three kids at my age. Well they all felt bad(cause they're females) and saved almost a whole pizza for him after lunch. I went to my cuby which isn't too far from Mr. 3 kids, and heard him turn down the pizza they offered him about 3 or 4 times. It was at that point that I thought of my two roommates and did what I hoped they would do in my position. I stood up and snatched that pizza without hesitation, "You ain't got to ask me twice" and that was that. I did get a heart, since it's Christmas, and offered it to him later in the day before I left... he still turned it down. But, a couple of the females came over and said he was getting ready to say yes right before the snatch. It wasn't until I was at home later that night and eating one of the slices, alone, that I replayed the scene and laughed at what a cold move that was. Oh well, I never claimed to be anything more than an A$$hole. My momma loves me though.

I'm glad to see that so many people are taking advantage of the Dark Knight trailer from yesterday, they should... behold true beauty. Well, I better get working... Laters

Monday, December 17, 2007

The Dark Knight Trailer

Here is a your link for the official The Dark Knight Trailer:

What can you say about that trailer that isn't summed up perfectly in this fan boy's(like I'm not one) observations:

Here are a few observations from a guy who is far too obsessed with every little thing about this film. - Bale sitting in his office, unmasked but wearing the batsuit. Interesting shot of Wayne deep in thought. He appears to be in a big office or apartment in the Wayne building, rather than his home. - Batman on the roof. Appears to be holding his head. Behind him seem to be some giant antennas. Has Batman hacked into some radio frequencies, holding an earpiece in - listening in on Joker's plans, or corrupt cops? - "Like me" shot of the Joker. Probably the same scene as the "hit me!" bat-cycle scene later in the trailer, but it looks like Main St and it's deserted. Have the people of Gotham fled from Joker's anarchy? - Joker's voice and laugh - Seriously, Ledger has NAILED this character. If only they gave awards to superhero films... - Joker's knives - Quite emphasised in a lot of the promotional material. We've seen him hold a knife on Rachel Dawes, threaten to carve smiles into people, he's holding one on the new poster and now his pockets are FILLED with knives. He also tosses a knife from one hand to the other later in the trailer. Looks like Joker's got some knife-play skill. - Joker hanging out of a window letting his hair blow in the breeze - I've never been arrested, but I'm pretty sure cops would frown upon that. Joker's gone and stolen a cop car, and if the Grand Theft Auto games have taught us anything, that's a trademark of a true bad ass. - Joker firing the bazooka - I ****ing love Joker's reaction after firing it, how he responds to the actual power of it. It's like he's surprised at how powerful a bazooka is, as if he just picked it up and fired it without thinking about the consequences, then thought "holy ****" after he'd already done the damage. It's like Joker's complete lack of interest in consequences wrapped up into three frames of footage. - Gotta love the Batmobile storage room. Certainly beats a dank little cave. - The shot that I consider the gem of my over-analytical madness - Why the hell is Gordon taking an axe to the Bat-symbol?! When I saw the ****ty version of the trailer, I assumed it was Joker or his men destroying it, but why would Gordon take out the light that calls for Gotham's hero, and the guy he befriended in Begins? - Joker's tendency to lick his lips is such an effective little quirk to illustrate that he's nuts. Just the way he does it is strangely unsettling. Likewise is the shot of him maniacally laughing as he appears to be driving in a game of chicken, again doing something purely for the destruction and chaos of it, probably putting himself at risk and not caring. Joker also has both the quiet kind of madness - the slow clap from his cell, and that first, creepy close-up - as well as the loud, angry, utterly mental self-destructiveness. I'm truly loving every little thing I see from the character. I think, if I'm going to have a complaint about Dark Knight, it'll be "not enough Joker", because this interpretation of the character is so appealing and fun to watch that I suspect that I'm going to want him on screen as much as possible. Best of luck to Aaron Eckhart in having to live up to this standard as Two Face, especially if he's going to carry over to the third film and Joker isn't. That scenario surely couldn't bode well for him, and I thought Thank You For Smoking was gold. But Ledger's Joker is in a field of it's own. I'm a full-fledged Joker fan boy at this point.

In my comedy news, I should point out that I'll be taped for Comcast on demand on Jan. 8th for the Clash of the Comics at the Richmond Funnybone. Sunday was cool up there, Cowboy Bill Martin and Drake were both very cool and personable. And, just in case he reads, "Jessie throws a bad muthaf***in partay. Though the weekend seemed to go by in a blink I had more fun than a barrel full of monkeys! All I need now is some strange... Laters

Thursday, December 13, 2007

"Angel with Wings"?!

And this is a story that is near and dear to my heart. Not so much because the freakazoid kid had the "wing" on her back, but because her parents let her live with that until she was 11 before they had it cut the F#ck off. The surgery was successful though so no worries, now she can have the normal life that she always dreamed of while high fiving herself in her room... alone and friendless. Uggg, would you look at that thing. Who gets to keep the arm is what I'm wondering. Cause that would make a interesting backscratcher... not so much for the back scratching but it's a conversation piece :) One last thing, since it's not a part of her or anything, is it wrong to fry that thing up? That's drumstick would be one in a million, but then again it is Chinese food so...

After playing Rock Band last night my right side is tight as a drum. It's kind of pathetic but at the same time that is a hell of a workout for an otherwise lazy man. Still on medium though, when I get to expert you can expect to see a picture of a drenched, crazy man who is wailing on some video game drum sets.

Do you take gifts from your enemies at Christmas time? That's one of the hardest parts of this joyous time of year. Do we accept crap from co-workers that mean less than sh!t to us? Nah

I guess it makes me predictable that every morning before I can speak what I want, the man who prepares meals in the cafeteria begins to cook two scrambled eggs. Yet at the same time I love the fact that he noticed. I feel like V.I.P., without even having to be a whore. Hooray!

No gifts to buy.... life is beautiful right now. (breathes a sigh of joy, somewhere there is a man who is stressed about his life, money, women, anything... TRich doesn't have any of that right now. His biggest concern is whether he will use the restroom at work since the lasagna is working on his stomach right now. Ah, to be young)

Laters people enjoy your Thursday!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Underdog!

Well it's Wednesday again, the whore of the week since it's so anxious to be noticed but in the end we still don't respect it. Am I right? I might be... but if they put The Office on Wed. nights... AH! A reason to love them at last, now if this strike would just end.

A Christmas Wish List(from a grown man):

-9 more hours of leave, it can be annual or sick

-A high score in Rock Band that is worthy of a picture while Nelson strikes a GANGSTA pose

-A hug from my mom (yeah it's soft, but that's my mommy)

-The price of 87 octane to slip below $2.39


-1 person that I don't like to drop dead

-50 cent to come by my office on Dec. 27th and throw cash at me while I work

-Crouch Deodorant, so no matter when or where, you're confident

-A beard to appear on my face on Christmas morning

-A few comedy groupies

-A good comedy video that won't embarrass me to show some one

-An iPhone that will work with T-Mobile, they exist but I want this one to be free

-My dog to develop super powers that way he can save me one day

-A bad ass trench coat!

-Miller Lite

-To catch a Leprechaun, and wish for Miller Lite... or buy some with gold

-The ghost of Dr. Seuss to come back and write one more classic... maybe a sequel to "Oh the thinks you can think"

-And P***Y!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

"Ask Mike Huckabee about his tax plan and he'll talk about pimps and prostitutes"-Mike Huckabee

I'm not a fan of his, but I do like his commitment to honesty. His stance that isolating people with AIDS was cute too, but he backpedaled and apologized... wuss.

What's a great way to start the day? Superbad. Get's the blood going, and the cafeteria downstairs had Scrawberries(Strawberries for those who are lame) and that always spells a good day. But, I did forget my Chuck's at home. So since I have to stop there instead of driving straight to Richmond, I guess they cancel each other out. Dammit.

I was truly touched by the people that called my phone and either left texts or voicemail with concern. Nothing would have felt worse than getting my phone and only having 2 messages or something. I was touched, my friends and family all made me feel loved. But, apparently unless you live with me you wouldn't know I was dead when I do die. I gotta give my e-mail address out more I guess. They knew I was alive. Again, I love all of you that showed love. TRich cares.

How many people does it take to get a mic working for our open mic? No one knows cause a combination of at least 10 people taking a look at/tinkering with the mic couldn't get it done. Since I was a part of that tribe I feel like sometimes you just meet a mic that has more brains than you do. But there are stupider mics out there and we'll make those ones do what we want. Vengeance will be mine...

A man on Elliot in the morning called in with a story that shook me to the core. He told a story of being at a hockey game with his cousin, the story ended with fight. The problem was that he antagonized some guy into violence but didn't mention that his cousin was a state trooper. So the guy hits his cousin and off to jail we go. Since state troopers are always on call(or duty, whatever), that was a huge offense that landed him in the clink for..... drum roll please... 8, 8, 8 f@ckin years! How does that guy sleep at night?! He laughed at the end of his story, and all I thought about was the Devil laughing and holding his belly while poking some young sinner. What is wrong with our generation? :(

Well my scrawberries are just about gone so I guess I better get to work. Be good, the week is almost over. Laters

Monday, December 10, 2007

Am I dead?

It's been a week and I'm very relieved that today.... I get my phone back! Crazy week it has been. Monday- great showing from all you comics at the Spy Lounge, I hope we take advantage of these new rooms before they come down. Tuesday- Had a great time at the Funnybone, they like me, they really like me. There were several dates with MJ.... if you know me then put that sentence together. Went shopping for Tyler Richardson. I bought him a lot of clothes and because I dig that guy, I got him ROCK BAND! That kid deserves it.

Tomorrow it's back to the Funnybone cause there is gonna be a great show with Big Al Goodwin, Nick Cantone, Ray Bullock, Odyssey Michaels and.... wait, who the f@ck is Tyler Richardson? Oh well, he'll be there too I guess. If you're not doing anything on Sunday, I'll be back then too. I'm trying to make a habit out of performing here. We'll just see how that goes...

Today I finally bought a bottle of absinthe. Might I say that I am excited, but it sucks that I can't drink any of it until Thursday at the earliest, but don't some things deserve weekend exclusivity? Yep. I've even got that cool spoon on the back of the box.... "Hello Eurotrip!" I'm gonna kiss the green fairy everybody. By the way, if you don't know what it is, the look it up: http://www.wikipedia.com/

I wore a new Perry Ellis sweater for the first time and dare I say, I looked GOOD. That's all, sorry to be random Tony.

I'll talk to you on Wednesday, enjoy yourself and remember.... uh.. I got nothin'


Thursday, December 06, 2007

"Dude, this is not the way to the bar..."

So, Tuesday was cool, thanks again to the whole Funnybone crew for always making people feel right at home. Keith Irwin was there.... I hate you Keith, I kid(or do I secretly hate him? hmmmm...)
I am on day 3 without my cell phone now and life is silent, something is weird about not having a phone on you. Aside from the fact that if something that is even remotely an emergency, I just have to pray for a pay phone to be close by. I hate you Eli! I kid( or do I secretly hate Eli too? hmmm...) So let's take a trip down the road that people call "I'm F@cking LOST with NO cellphone!" Ahem:

1) Woke up early Wednesday since I had to drive back from Richmond and didn't want to sleep in on accident.

2) Hopped on the road and jumped into traffic, wasn't that bad at first...

3) Got to I-495 and saw a parking lot that spiraled into (what looked like) the sky :(

4) Decided that I'm never going to make it to work if I sit in that S#it... let's be smart about this.

5) Jump on I-395 and travel(without traffic) up towards the Pentagon... I know there is a way to cut over to Vienna from that area, but I'm looking for route 50 when I should have been looking for route 27... Uggg

6) Have to fill up my tank, I thought I could make it to work before I knew this would turn into such and adventure in babysitting.

7) Got a little lost in Alexandria, apparently they like to hide their gas station from the world a little bit. It's like a secret that only Alexandrians know of, so they can laugh when outsiders get stranded on the side of the road.

8) Back on the road again. Decide to go to Marymount cause I "think" remember how to get to work from there... I didn't

9) Lost. Now I'm in some suburb of Fairfax county and am physically exhausted by this point. I don't think I've ever sweared so much in my entire life. I found myself lost around Langley, and I don't work for the CIA.

10) I pulled over at a McDonald's and asked for directions, cause at this point I'm going 2 1/2 hours late. I kind Rastafarian tells me the wrong directions to get to route 123, I find that he put me in the opposite direction so after a little reverse action, I'm finally headed to work again.
11) Did I mention that I couldn't call and explain any of this to my boss, I'm just praying that they'll be as cool as they always are.
12) I make it to work and pulled the best "carskate" into a parking spot you've ever seen. I lost complete control and slide (with an audience) right into a PRIMO parking spot. Thank you, thank you.

That was my yesterday... I got to work around 11. I start at 8.

Hope you like the picture from Speed Racer that is above. Laters...

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

I believe in Santa Claus

Last night was certainly very cool. I dug everybody coming out and hope they continue to take advantage of what could be a great open mic for us all to hump into submission. So Kudos, let's do it again... shall we.

I woke up two hours early today, I wish I could die...Ugggggggggggggg!

Never let anyone use your cell phone ever. Because there is always a chance that you will forget about them holding it, then realize this after you're already too far to get it back. I feel so naked without my baby. But, on the positive side(cause there has to be one), it will allow me to truly be alone for awhile. I got a little drive-y-poo down to Richmond and nothing will be more fun that sitting in silence and watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia instead of being knee deep in some conversation. Yep.... though that reminds me that I gotta stop procrastinating on putting Frisky Dingo on my iPod. If you don't know what that is, google that S#it.

Finally introduced myself to a female that I've had many (way too) long stares with. I decided, let's play the strong silent type. And you know what? It feels phenomenal. Pimp Pimp Hooray!

If Haywood's laugh isn't invisible crack, then what is? Almost makes me wish I wasn't born a tenor, cause everyone could use a little Haywood in their voice... ladies back me up. But, for what I lack in the base in my voice, I make up for in rhythm. Who can Charleston like TRich?!

In the holiday spirit, allow me to give a little Christmas cheer:
I believe in Santa Claus
Like I believe in love
I believe in Santa Claus
And everything he does
There's no question in my mind
That he does exist
Just like love I know he's there
Waiting to be missed
I believe in Santa Claus
But there was a time
I thought I had grown to old
For such a childish rhyme
He became a dream to me
Till one Christmas night
Someone stood beside my bed
With a beard of white
"So you're too old for Santa Claus"?
He said with a smile
Then you're too old for all the things
That make a life worth while
For what is happiness but dreams and do they all come true
Look at me and tell me, son
What is real to you?
Just believe in Santa Claus
Like you believe in love
Just believe in Santa Claus
And everything he does
Wipe that question from your mind
Yes, he does exist!
Just like love you knows he's there
Waiting to be missed
Just like love I know he's there
Waiting to be be missed

If you didn't shed a tear for that memory of what Christmas was when you were a child, then you really don't get this whole beautiful holiday and what it's about.

Love, Laters....

Monday, December 03, 2007

Wasn't it just January?!

In case you haven't noticed, I have a huge thing for Heath Ledger's interpretation of the Joker. We haven't even seen it yet but it's already so evil, yet.... RIGHT, who wouldn't love it. There are a few more pictures that were released today but these two were my favorite. For more, feel free to travel to www.latinoreview.com they post'em first.
Today is the start of the Spy lounge's open mic. Hopefully there will be a good showing of comics eager to have one more stage in town, and we can give it a good little run. P.S.- Drink alcohol, owners like that type of thing. Maybe if we drink enough they will give us some kind of hook up to keep coming back... you never know.
I saw something that will lead me to make an appointment with my dentist on Saturday. It was a spot on my canine tooth, but behind the tooth. How you ask? Well even if my smile ain't perfect, you better believe that daddy is constantly monitoring that bad boy for any possible damage. I pray that this is something small, but my luck stinks...
I thought I ruined a new adventure in hitting on random girl at my job on Friday only to find some e-mails waiting for me when I got to my desk late this morning.... Ah, to be young. To explain what happened would take forever but I will abbreviate for yuns.
-Approached and began to "spit ma game"(I hate slang)
-Flirt went well while we decorated tree on fourth floor, we joked and she noticed that I slack a little if I can
-I emailed my name, cause it slipped my mind earlier... she e-mails back with laughter
-I propose a walk(this is where I messed up, but I'm impatient)
-After a while, I decide that I have too much to do. I walk over to her desk and explain that I'll need a rain check on the walk
-She's been working, so has NO idea what I'm talking about cause she never received the invitation for the walk
-I awkwardly say "Just pretend this conversation didn't happen"
-I come in today to e-mails like it didn't happen
.... In the end, we are right back on track. I hate being single.
I have way too much pride to go to the doctor's office for this; but I think I broke or have splints in 2 fingers due to Guitar Hero on Friday when I got home. It's the saddest thing I can think of, but I know when something don't feel right and it's like I got instant arthritis in my left hand. I was clearly rockin' a touch too hard.
Divine's was great on Sat. I had a lot of fun with Rob, Big Al Goodwin, and Jimmy Merritt. What can you say, except "Holy S#it, that's a lot of pimpin' in one place ain't it?!" And the answer is YEP.
Tomorrow it's off to Richmond. Clash of the comics... I hate competitions, but what can you do but hustle. At least next Tuesday is a normal show, I'm really lookin forward to that, but I figure it's about time I crush 1 competition. By the way, let me make this public til' someone proves me wrong "You are only allowed to participate in 2 showcases at the DC Improv" now it won't be a mystery like it was for me.
I'm gonna go work. Laters....

Friday, November 30, 2007

Can I get emotional for a second please?

Nevermind this picture of the joker... though it is beautiful, right? I don't have much for today cause all I did was watch T.V. and fall asleep early last night. But, this Lupe Fiasco song that I had pretty much ignored has become my favorite song now. It is one of the few moments that I actually think of my father that I don't speak to, and haven't spoken to for almost 2 years now...

He Say, She Say


Lupe Fiasco

I can't, I won't, I can't, I won't Let you leave

I don't know what you wantYou want more from me?

She said to him"I want you to be a father

He's your little boy and you don't even bother

Like "brother" without the R

And he's starting to harbor

Cool and food for thought But for you he's a starver

Starting to use red markers on his work

His teacher say they know he's much smarter

But he's hurt Used to hand his homework in firstLike he was the classroom starter

Burst to tears Let them know she see us

Now he's fighting in class Got a note last week that say he might not pass

Ask me if his daddy was sick of us Cause you ain't never pick him up

You see what his problem is?He don't know where his poppa is

No positive male role model To play football and build railroad models

It's making a hole you've been digging it

Cause you ain't been kicking it

Since he was old enough to hold bottles

Wasn't supposed to get introduced to that He don't deserve to get used to that

Now I ain't asking you for money or to come back to me

Some days it ain't sunny but it ain't so hard

Just breaks my heart When I try to provide and he say 'Mommy that ain't your job'

To be a man,

I try to make him understand That I'm his number one fan

But its like you booin' from the stands

You know the world is out to get him, so why don't you give him a chance?

Thursday, November 29, 2007

This is what Thursdays bring?!

Okay so I was sick yesterday, I'm sorry for that. But hey, at least I had a chance to get some much needed maintenance done on the ol' Corolla. I was so proud I had a bit of a shopping spree afterward. And, I must say(it's gonna sound a little conceded) I look good. Mmmm... that was for Mike Way, I'm working on my Mmmm's that way when he casts for a commercial one day I'll have them down pat. I'm ready for my close-up man.

I wish I knew what was happening in the news, but I haven't watched it lately. I watch the Real World for the first time since 2002 yesterday, and it's true what they say, sometimes you can't go back. I'm not 10 anymore and that type of thing really doesn't appeal to me, but I will say that they seem to be making a real attempt at stacking the house with hot women... not a black person in the house this season. Yep, that's racist. Have we reached a point where people are so over the stereotypical 1-black guy, 1-gay guy, 1- angry black woman that we don't need to include any of them? I guess that shouldn't surprise me but it hit me mid-episode that it was lacking something. You can't just have a show full of angry white folk... what would Archie Bunker say?!(Edith! probably)

The Vous' was fun and the quick 3 mins set and pass off is like a game, I was telling Aparna that it made me pay attention a little more cause you only got three minutes. Like listening to a dying person. By the way, the look on her face when someone told a Sean Taylor joke was priceless... ah, to be young. I wish I could transfer this picture from work, but I ate a Jumbo slice of pizza last night and it took Eli and I by surprise. Most of you are probably had them on a drunken night in Adams Morgan we had not. that thing was the size of an ATM machine and we hated to do it, but we had to throw it away. Hopefully a bum will find the remains and eat hardy for a week.

There is nothing funny about paying $200 for a mic and mic stand... ask Eli, I wouldn't know.

Well, that's all and don't forget on Monday our new open mic at The Spy Lounge starts at 8 and runs til' 10, try to get there by 7:30 if you can or shoot me an e-mail at devohaven@gmail.com. Laters everyone.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Tuesdays smell like....

Sh.........t. What else would a Tuesday smell like? Cinnamon twists. I've come to the realization that females are a total waste of time in your 20's. GET MONEY!

Ahem, excuse me for that tidbit of social commentary, now allow me to speak on something that is gonna be plaguing our news for the next (God) couple days, maybe even weeks. Sean Taylor died today. Excuse me, but who cares. The first time I heard it on the radio, I thought "Who cares that a Miami Dolphin died?" then I realized he was a Redskin.... who cares? Everyone that I have come in contact with has used his death as a way to start morning conversation, and at one point the first words out of my mouth were as follows:

Charlie: Morning.

TRich: Morning, God I am so sick of people talking to me about-

C: Man, can you believe-

T: Sean Taylor, you're not gonna talk to me about some dead football player, are you?

C: I'm just saying it's crazy man-

T: I really don't care, let's go get some breakfast.

C: I'm just saying it's crazy man cause he's-

T: Charlie did you just hear me say I'm tired of people bringing that up already? When he was alive the Redskins still had a $h!tty record this season.

C: You're cold man.

T: C'mon it's breakfast time man.

And that was pretty much verbatim. I don't want to leave you all in the dark so know that I had 2 scrambled eggs, 2 strips of bacon and, you guessed it..... Hot Cocoa! Ah Tuesdays.

Here are some things that have happened on November 27th that are special:

2001 - A hydrogen atmosphere is discovered on the extrasolar planet Osiris by the Hubble Space Telescope, the first atmosphere detected on an extrasolar planet.

2005 - The first partial human face transplant is completed in Amiens, France

1895 - At the Swedish-Norwegian Club in Paris, Alfred Nobel signs his last will and testament, setting aside his estate to establish the Nobel Prize after he dies.

and just cause bank robbery is cool....

1934 - Bank robber Baby Face Nelson dies in a shoot-out with the FBI

There are some things to throw around the water cooler when some one brings up Sean Taylor.

Well, I think that's my little thing for the day, I'm gonna get some work done. Laters.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Ain't that a kick in the head

I hope that we all had a great weekend, I know I did. It was a nice little mix of a lot of my favorite things. Games, beer, (insert bad habit), comedy, dancing, ladies and a Sunday or lounging on my butt. Who could ask for more? Satan, that's really the only one that comes to mind.... pure evil. But let's move on to better things.

I just found out today that Michael Vick has been in jail for about a week. I guess it's just the hater in me that finds it so funny. All the groupies and all the jewels still can't help him keep another man out of him forever. Get some Vick!

A man called into Elliott in the morning on my way to work and was PROUD of the fact that he committed incest! I have no WV jokes, but really?! Your aunt knows what age you stopped peeing the bed, has more than likely bought you a CD from Wal-Mart, and most importantly has the same DNA as you. He said she was hot, I guess that helps, but snap that's nasty. A man who would do that is a man with no limits. Oh yeah, he had his brother(yep, he already told someone) next to him to verify if Elliott did not believe him.... oh he was white alright.

On Saturday, Rob and I attempted to figure out what the rings on these Spanish women's fingers meant( would they still "get low"?). Oh, and Adam "the man" Dodd was there performing. Broke a string, kept going, and sliced his finger up nasty like... but who said rocking your f@cking socks off would be easy. The best part of the night came when Crank Dat by Soulja Boy Tellem came on. Mostly cause there were several LARGE black guys on the dance floor, like a prison yard, and every time the DJ hit the song they were ready to shoot a music video. I was probably the only who didn't know the dance but had fun learning, and one guy in particular stands out in my mind. He had to have been 6'8 and 320 lbs., but he was jumping and sliding around, all I could do was smile. Laughter might have gotten me snapped in twain. Supaman that _!

Anyone in Richmond, Dec. 11th is gonna be a fun show with Odyssey Michaels, Nick Cantone, another comic to be named, and myself. Gonna be a ball I'm sure. Oh, and I'll be in Richmond on the 4th of Dec for Clash of the Comics. Richmond in full effect mode...

Next Monday should be the start of the Spy Lounge open mic.... Laters.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I'm sorry, I just don't have any...

Must all titles jump out at us, or can they slow creep up and then entice us. Well that's just what this one attempted to do. No Homo...

While someone pointed out how great they thought I now pronounce you Chuck & Larry, the couldn't help herself but to give away the ending to anyone who she'd trapped into hearing about the movie. It wasn't as though she had no idea we hadn't seen the movie, she was just too excited about telling people how funny it was. I guess it's not like she ruined the end of a thriller or anything, but it still hurt.
Contrary to popular belief, I was not drunk onstage at Ned's Saturday night. I was drunk enough to drive straight home and go to sleep though.

Last night's episode of HEROES was... OutF@#$ingstanding! It was so good I dare not ruin any of it for you. Just go folks and watch for yourself(and for free) http://www.nbc.com/

I went to get a haircut recently and the barber was Korean, I don't normally go to different barber shops but I needed to do this on my lunch break and this was convenient. When I get there, thought I was in a suit and tie, it was a little awkward. There was a retired man with strands on his head that made him resemble a 90-year-old Homer Simpson. What ticked me off though was that the barber took like 30 minutes on this guy's strands. HUH?! And then they looked me up and down and the barber turned on some old classical piano. It wasn't the greatest, but I do enjoy all different kinds of music. So, finally the old man leaves and it's me and the Korean. As soon as I sit down he turns off the classical music. What bothered me was not that he turned it off(cause who told him I don't like that) but that he turned on a Korean version of American Idol but with Choreography. Was it that I didn't deserve classical, or that he puts on a front for older people and goes right back to watchin' 10 year old girls in skirts prance about when no one can see. It was a short haircut, and he spent the majority of the time trying to sell me on going to his church to meet "Good" women. We all know church folk ain't the type that's gonna fall in love with me.

I used the word willickers earlier today, nothing has felt right since that time. Oh bother...

A long time ago I wrote about my friend Nelson and his deadly(career wise) blog. He wrote a blog, threatened, cursed, blog got read, he got fired. Well, yesterday was just same story different chapter for young master Sayson. Without names or details, he wrote a blog about how he never comes home due to Kevin(my other roomy) constantly banging his on-off ex. Well, Kevin's ex fiance'(who is basically part of the family) is Nelson's MySpace friend. She reads, she don't like much, talks with Mom, Mom talks to Kevin's Mom, Kevin is now a man whore that isn't in his parents graces. Well, that's just a little proof of what blogging can get you. Trouble.

I'm gonna work now, but for those that are leaving town "Be Safe", for those that aren't get wasted. Laters...

Monday, November 19, 2007

Blink and you missed it

To start this week off on a bit more of a weird side, I actually spoke with a man named Jefferson Davis not more than 3 minutes ago. I'm not sure if he was a racist or not, but without any effort I almost felt offended. Not through his actions but that his parents picked the head of the confederacy to name their child after. Virginia is funny that way, not only do we have people running around named Jefferson Davis, but in certain parts of the state we call Route 1 "Jefferson Davis Highway". Wuh?! I truly doubt that there is a section of Ghetto in Germany called the Hitler Projects. You get the point right, the President of the Confederacy gets something named after him, but Malcolm X can't even get a city. He wasn't the public face of a war, he just hated pork and wanted basic freedom.

Someone told me over breakfast that Thanksgiving was actually their favorite holiday.... tell me that ain't a biggun. Gluttony...

That's all for today but big blog coming tomorrow, so yay. Laters...

Thursday, November 15, 2007

I did it again... damnit!

Well, today I woke up at the early hour of 8:11 am. The problem is that I'm supposed to already be at work at that time. So, for the second day in a row I was forced to come in about 2+ hours late after having sat through traffic(yesterday I just slept through it but today I was a good little worker bee). Fortunately, there was a potluck lunch today in my section. So, I call a friend and tell her to turn on my computer, then tell her if anyone asks about me to tell them "Oh, Deaven's here, but he forgot his weenies so he ran out to the store" I figured it would buy me a little time. If worse came to worse, I can always say I caught the S#its and was on the toilette.

Today an old co-worker called me and told me that my EVIL ex general manager had been fired yesterday. I know that I left that crap job and all the stress it brings behind me, but some part of me still did a RIGHTEOUS jig when I heard that news. May he burn forever, and ever, and ever.... amen.

So, the guys who run DC Comedy 4 Now(I hope that's it) are running an open mic on Mondays too. Theirs starts a week or two before mine, but here is the best part. Now, I won't lie and say at first I wasn't a little bummed but then it hit me. Once I start one, that means two open mics only a half an hour apart that will both be in Adams Morgan. I imagine this will be one of the instances where people can get on either stage and then walk to the other and perform again. It will be down right awesome to get to perform twice without a good amount of driving so.... CHEERS.

For those of you that haven't heard, Dragonball Z will be a live action movie next August. I won't turn into a complete dork, but Goku is... well... the skinny white guy up top. Come on.

Why do married women smile at single young men like there is a chance? Everyday I see the same lady and she waves and smiles like we know each other intimately. I realize people cheat on their spouses, but this not fair. Cause I'm not the kind of scum that knows how to start that freight train a rollin', and she should know that. Damn she's hot though... No, that's not the right thinking. She's a man, she's a man, she's a man... moving on folks.

I'm gonna go leave work again to buy some food and a video game, and you know what the best part is. I've been here for all of 40 minutes and I'm leaving again. I love this job. Laters...

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I'm somebody's somebody

One of the thoughts that cracks me up, is that there is some woman out there wondering "Where is my perfect somebody?" And, unless I spend the rest of my life alone, I'm that guy. I don't know who she is but I pray she's something like me. I think everyone that is grown comes to find out that the whole "opposites attract" thing never actually goes somewhere. It always seems to end up with you walking on them in your room, laughing at your picture, while he's wearing your socks. Somebody out there knows what I'm talking about.... testify.

Today I employed the OfficeSpace mentality, which is just don't care and things will go your way. Damned if it ain't proved itself so far. I got up and hit my sleep button about 13(not an exaggeration) times. It felt heavenly, and then I got up when I was officially 15 minutes late and called with the truth "I just couldn't get up when I heard my alarm go off" and my supervisor completely understood. Now, this isn't an everyday or even every month type thing so maybe that's why she was so understanding, but I'll go ahead and count that as a win or my research. But, it did occur to me that I should sleep longer and just come to work with no traffic instead of leaving as soon as the phone call ended. One funny thing about ever having come home and had to tell your roommate that "I just got F@cking fired!" is that anytime you're home without explanation on a day when you should clearly be at work, you're assumed to be jobless. Kinda sucks, but still a little funny.

Ladies and gentlemen, I will leave you now and either see you in Adams Morgan tonight, or we'll do this tomorrow. By the way, the Spy Lounge open mic will begin right after the holidays when I get my grubby hands on a microphone.... Laters.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Who died?

Well everyone, it appears as though Tuesday has found us again. It makes me soft too, I feel ya. I guess I should start by thanking all that came out for Tyler vs. Tyler. The crowd was very cool, a lot bigger than I expected, and thanks to the comics that came to show love. Might I also note that Will Hessler has shared a sad story of preparing to move to the ATL.... let him know that we love him before he loves us. "Why do the good people always leave the jerks behind?" Think about that question, I'll stop there before I throw out names.

Camcorder shopping is a B!tch, so many types and formats... and prices. Just thought I'd share that thought since i've been looking through them all morning. One name stands out among the rest though, say it with me now "Samsung". Yes.

Hostel Part 2 Review:

Not that great.

Spider-Man 3 Review:

Awes-Tacular, if only Venom killed Spidey.

The Nightmare Before Christmas (10th anniversary edition) Review:

Same as 10 years ago, I sing along with the entire movie. Who didn't cry when Jack got shot down.

I wish I had some long blog for you today, but I don't folks. But I will bring something to your eyes that should get you thinking. I find that in times of "blank-ness" a little Dr. Seuss can always turn the day around. If you will, I'd like to present to you....

I am Sam

I am Sam

Sam I am

That Sam-I-am!Than Sam-I-am!

I do not like that Sam-I-am!

Do you like green eggs and ham?

I do not like them,Sam-I-am.

I do not like green eggs and ham.

Would you like them here or there?

I would not like them here or there.

I would not like them anywhere.

I do not like green eggs and ham.

I do not like them,Sam-I-am.

Would you like them in a house?

Would you like them with a mouse?

I do not like them in a house.

I do not like them with a mouse.

I do not like them here or there.

I do not like them anywhere.

I do not like green eggs and ham.

I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

Would you eat them in a box?

Would you eat them with a fox?

Not in a box.Not with a fox.

Not in a house.

Not with a mouse.

I would not eat them here or there.

I would not eat them anywhere.

I would not eat green eggs and ham.

I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

Would you? Could you?In a car? Eat them! Eat them!Here they are.

I would not,could not,in a car.

You may like them.You will see.You may like them in a tree!I would not, could not in a tree.

Not in a car! You let me be.I do not like them in a box.I do not like them with a fox.I do not like them in a house.I do not like them with a mouse.I do not like them here or there.I do not like them anywhere.I do not like green eggs and ham.I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

A train! A train!A train! A train!Could you, would you,on a train?

Not on a train! Not in a tree!Not in a car! Sam! Let me be!I would not, could not, in a box.I could not, would not, with a fox.I will not eat them with a mouse.I will not eat them in a house.I will not eat them here or there.I will not eat them anywhere.I do not eat green eggs and ham.I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

Say!In the dark?Here in the dark!Would you, could you, in the dark?

I would not, could not,in the dark.Would you, could you, in the rain?
I would not, could not,in the rain.Not in the dark. Not on a train.Not in a car. Not in a tree.I do not like them, Sam, you see.Not in a house. Not in a box.Not with a mouse. Not with a fox.I will not eat them here or there.I do not like them anywhere!You do not like green eggs and ham?I do not like them,Sam-I-am.

Could you, would you,with a goat?I would not,could not,with a goat!Would you, could you,on a boat?

I could not, would not, on a boat.I will not, will not, with a goat.I will not eat them in the rain.I will not eat them on a train.Not in the dark! Not in a tree!Not in a car! You let me be!I do not like them in a box.I do not like them with a fox.I will not eat them in a house.I do not like them with a mouse.I do not like them here or there.I do not like them ANYWHERE!
I do not like green eggs and ham!
I do not like them,Sam-I-am.

You do not like them.So you say.Try them! Try them!And you may.Try them and you may, I say.Sam!If you will let me be,I will try them.You will see.

Say!I like green eggs and ham!I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!And I would eat them in a boat.And I would eat them with a goat...And I will eat them in the rain.And in the dark. And on a train.And in a car. And in a tree.They are so good, so good, you see!So I will eat them in a box.And I will eat them with a fox.And I will eat them in a house.And I will eat them with a mouse.And I will eat them here and there.Say! I will eat them ANYWHERE!I do so like green eggs and ham!Thank you!
Thank you,Sam-I-am!

By Dr. Seuss

Friday, November 09, 2007

The Jerk, the Comic, and the Bitter

So, it's been a whole two days huh?, well let's get straight to the nitty grit...

I left work on Wednesday to head out for New York. The Fowlest, Keith the Comedian, and I(notice the order from the title) were going to Stand Up for Diversity. I had tried once years ago, before I was even considering comedy, and had to turn around without performing since I wasn't one of the first 100. I was determined not to have the same thing happen again. This is more a story of our journey and not really about how we performed although you will know.

I got to the metro station and parked my car, but noticed that a sign told me I could not park there for more than 24 hours. Violators were to be prosecuted, and though all signs end with that, my luck STINKS and that would ring through my head for the next 31 hours. You heard me right too. So, I go to the "store" where I turn in my ticket and there is this fine French girl giving me the eye. What is a TRich to do? Oh yea... Mack. So, we talk for a while until J Jerkin' and Keith finally(and in Keith's case, I mean right before we pull off) get there. The bus was very clean and that surprised me a lot. I expected to have a bum next to me( though Jermaine threw up accosted me, does that count?) or some man kick off his shoes and put them right next to my face or something.

Not the case, but the driver did pull over, after we already sat in traffic. We all wondered what was going on, and then we we noticed there was a bus down on the shoulder. Guess what... this just so happened to be a "sister" bus of the driver and so "Come on in everbody!" Normally, I wouldn't care, but the woman with BooBs like Jesus had magic, got up and sprinted to the front of the bus once it filled up. Keith and I had a birds eye view of those and they took that from us. Damn, Damn... S#it. Anyway, it did lead to a new bit and so everything happens for a reason I guess. We arrive...

Jermaine takes several stabs at guessing where the subway was in relation to Chinatown. And, oh yeah, went to the bathroom more times this weekend than Keith and I combined. Mostly to drop deuce, but I mention that because the first thing we did after he got off the bus was go in this Chinese restaurant where every looked at us like we were going to rob them. But, since they were in NYC, I was actually more scared of them cause they were probably very prepared for S#it to jump off and shot Keith and I first. Keith did notice that the Chinese Soap Opera they were watching was running Chinese subtitles. Way to leave all the tourists in the dark. Also, 75 % of the fish they were serving were dead and being eaten by the remaining ones. I can only hope that they only sell the cannibal fish.... but I doubt it.

We find the subway after many guesses by the Fowlest. Shiesty characters are in the subway @ those hours(1:00ish am), but you could watch the movies and know that. Keith says that I stare women I find attractive down like a killer, I hope that's not true. When we get to the line there are only 10 or so people in front of us and everything is gravy. I immediately go to the bar and get a drink. I should note, I don't know what Jermaine was doing in Duane Reede's for 30 minutes before I went to the bar, but I do fear that NYPD may be looking for him. He's a strange young man he is. I drank what was to be the STRONGEST long island iced tea I have ever had in my life. There may have been a dash, and I mean dash of coke in that thing cause I was lit. Jermaine then proceeded to S#it for about 45 mins. while I waited upstairs and got to know random girl at the bar, a guy in band selling shirts, and of course Irish bartender trying to bang random girl @ bar. He finally emerges upstairs...

Back in line Michael Blackson is talking to the group of comedians from Philly(who turned out to be some cool ass cats) and Keith has managed to ease his way into the cypher. For those that don't know Michael Blackson, he is the African guy from Comicview(when it was funny) that used to, excuse me, says "Mudasucka" instead of the other word all the time. I enjoyed him when I was a kid. Nuff said, then a random white guy showed up and decided to kick it with some black folks. Cause after all it was named Stand up for Diversity, but naturally that didn't stop some WHITE folks from showing up and even making the cut. WHAT?! anyway, he was actually really cool and went and bought two pizzas for all the comics just cause he liked us and it was cold as S#IT outside. Right on random white guy... right on. I didn't sleep til' about 5 or 6 cause it was so cold but I did try several sidewalk positions to get warmer. Let's get to the meat and potatoes...

Right before they let everyone in, an old man emerges at the front door. I'm talkin' at least 78 and half-ish. They give out numbers, and yeah, Michael Blackson cut to the front of the line. We get in and take some pictures and the old man murmured something like "I bet you'd be some real fun outside of here" to one of the producers. She took it pretty well and simply told him to go have a seat somewhere please. Right on, well the first screw job took place involving HEROES: Season one. When asked who came the furthest, I throw out VA. Another girl, who is not attractive, throws out Columbus(OH). Are you kidding me?! Guess who got the DVD set. So, then the performances take place and I gotta say that out of the 60 people in our group that went, we were definitely in the top 10. But, I guess not one of us were what they were looking for. But, interestingly enough there was a guy was doing crowd work with the last 30 seconds of his 1 minute chance. That was one of the funnier things to me throughout. That, and the old man that began to wander right after I said my goodbye to the stage. The producer stood up "Sir, please sit back down" he continues on his quest, "Sir, I'm talkin to you" the whole room was waiting for random security guard to leap and taze that old man to the grave. Instead, she walked down to where all the comics were seated and took that geyser by the arm and placed him in a seat. Very nice of her, considering her title.

We leave after J Jerkin' does his interview with Fox 5 news(the Asian, HOT, fine ass reporter was the person to interview him) and make our way to Hawaiian Tropic in Times Square. That place puts Hooters to shame. Damn, they were fine... and shouldn't they be if the have to wear a bikini everyday... Ahhh. We then got on the subway and searched for Chinatown. That place is a lot bigger than I thought and we looked for the bus "store" for a good 1, maybe 1 1/2. The only part of that journey worth mentioning was seeing a man crossing an intersection and shoulder check the S#IT out of this woman who was crossing. She was pouting and turned around from it... he didn't even blink. I love NY! Also, there was an employment office next to where to bus picked us up. Did anyone else know that not every Asian is born with a job and knowledge of quantum physics? I was blown away.

I was panicked for the entire 6 hour drive back and didn't sleep cause J Jerkin' was in the mood for conversatin'. Keith on the other hand was passed out, should have peed on him but the bus was too packed. I got back to my car and breathed a sigh of relief cause I really didn't think that there would be a car in that spot when I got back. After a good night's sleep and a good drive through almost no traffic today, I feel very ready to go home tonight and pass out til' Saturday... Come to Tyler vs. Tyler. Please. Oh, and my new open mic will be at the Spy Lounge in Adams Morgan on Mondays from 8-10. I'll try not to be a dick about getting people on cause, no names, I think we've all had enough of those. Hopefully, I'll get it started Monday after next or right after Thanksgiving, but I have a few things to get straight first. Enjoy the weekend all, and I'll get back at you LATERS....

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Road Rage

I'll give my new open mic stuff when I return on Friday, Monday at the latest. But, Mondays have been damn borig lately, haven't they?

Don't be fooled by the title, I'm anything but full of rage. Be it on the road, or anywhere else. But, this morning a woman had such "Dicktensity" while driving I was tempted to chase her down. She wouldn't let me merge, she tailgated and then she got upset that I changed lanes. I blow people kisses normally in these situations, but not today. When I thought of what I could do to get even, I began to reach for a pad to write down her license plate. I stopped myself in the heat of my anger and remembered those two little words..."Stop Snitchin'!"

In case your wondering, the little girl in the picture above just had 4 EXTRA limbs removed. But, let me ask you; could you have a smile on your face in this situation. Maybe I'm a bad guy but I would squash her like the biggest spider I've ever seen. Seems a little inhumane to keep her alive. The second she was born I'd just dig a small hole, and don't judge me, that's a little thing called compassion. But, congrat-ys to her and not being a freakazoid anymore, good luck explaining that story to they guy who's been screwing you for 4 months.

Here is a tasty sample of what it's like to dance with a Richardson:

Now you know, and "knowing it half the battle". But seriously, go on Saturday. It's UBER cheap, and there will be nachos... next door... at the movie theater.... afterwards..... on Tyler S. There I think I tripped through that last sentence rather well. Moving on then.

Pass in your homework students... "How many sex offenders live in your area?" Why is every looking around like you did not do your homework. Just find out how many are surrounding you. It's fun and educational. I'll even give the link one more time(see how nice I am, it's all for the kids): http://www.nsopr.gov/

Well, I'm outta here til' Friday I guess. I'll let you know how it went in NY and I'm sure something weird will happen when The Fowlest, Keith the comedian, and some Ni@@a named TRich show up. Laters...

Monday, November 05, 2007

It was so bright this morning.... AH!!!

I loved that show as a kid, didn't you. One might say it was the beginning of the end of GOOD television for children. I miss you ol' friend.

Let me start by saying that just sat through "gimme more" by Britney Spears and... oh, God. I still love her, but damn that's an awful song. I know I'm late, but I don't listen to the radio or watch music videos anymore. I caught that VMA performance, but who could pay attention to words with all that sexy dancing(standin') there?

I had a great time at Ned Divine's last week even though I only got to stay for a little before I was drunkenly dashing back to my car. Then it was off to the Lizard where fun always hides. I think I did cool at Ned's and ate a $#it sandwich when I got to the lizard. Ignorance is bliss but sometimes we must be honest with ourselves.

I broke down yesterday and got Guitar Hero 3. One of the biggest tests of love is to not mind others seeing you out with your sweetheart. What if your perfect girl all the sudden gained 400 pounds? I wouldn't lie to myself, I'd leave. But, some would try to make it work. That's what yesterday felt like. the girl behind the counter(who hit on me with a wedding ring, as J Jerkin' is my witness) informed me that there were no bags big enough and I would need carry this giant box with me and have a "badge of bride".... WTF. So, everyone in the mall now knows what a huge dork I am. It might not have been so embarrassing if the box were more ordinary, but it's all kinds of orange and red with light that come out of the top and shout favorite catch phrases like, "All hail Tyler, king of the Nordic ROCK GODS!"... I embellished a shmig on the box but you get what I'm saying. But, I am happy to report that my skill carries over the next chapter, so don't fret. And, if it helps my rep, I did spend a little time with a female before I played... I wasn't a complete geek yesterday. Moving on...

The girl in the cubicle next to me told my team this morning that she was gonna have crazy gas today. She specifically named the reasons:

A) She didn't get the chance to drop deuce this morning and was still holding that kid in her. Her words not mine. And, she's actually attractive but married women can say what they want I guess.

B) She just(at the time) had an egg&cheese omelet, oh god. The thought of that smell makes my lip quiver.

As much as I don't like the thought of smelling her stomach softener, I'm glad she opened up. Cause if I catch one whiff and it's ON. I will fart til' I got nothing left. I have no problem dropping a deuce in my cuby and letting it stink throughout the entire floor, and maybe it's those type of games that will make this dull Monday fly right by. Plus, when I crap myself I'm sure they will ask me to take my leave. YEAH!

This Saturday...comedy... Comedy Spot.... Ballston Commons Mall.... Tyler v. Tyler... Death. I mean it

Let me get to work, but tomorrow I have a big Christmas poem that I want to share. Laters...

Thursday, November 01, 2007

"The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules."

What's not to love about that? THE JOKER everybody, can you wait til' December when they roll out the trailer that will showcase exactly what Heath Ledger's Joker will be like? It's almost as good as a Snicker's Bar... no, bettah! For all the sociopaths like myself, our hero is looking better than ever. How deliciously evil....

So, I had a blast at the Richmond FunnyBone. I did a little time and then watched and enjoyed some delicious shrimp. Ahhh. Everyone was really cool there and unbelievably friendly, and Maggie is by far the nicest person to ever answer a phone that has spoken to me from a club. I can't wait to go back in December and hopefully there won't be a front row full of nurses and people dressed up like nurses. For a light crowd they were still human beings, thus laughed, and what more could you ask for. Nick, Brian, and Josh were as cool on stage as they were on, and that's always appreciated. Everyone there just made me feel real welcome, so KUDOS.

I have enjoyed myself thoroughly all day yesterday. Doing what you ask? Well, I was going through the Virginia Sex offender Registry and looking up anyone that is near me. Then I asked all my co-workers what city they lived in, and that's when it happened. I found a sexual predator who lived on the same street as a co-worker and less than a few minutes down the street. Tyler "the motherf@#$in super sleuth" Richardson attractively saves a "possible" rape victim with greatest weapon known to mankind. Information, and what a weapon it is. What is the site you ask?

http://sex-offender.vsp.virginia.gov/sor/index.htm Don't say I never gave you nothin'... cause I just gave you the world. Someone see if you could trump my # by having more sex offenders in you local area. I'm tired so I'll see you, Laters...

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Let's go to Richmond

Today I woke up and headed into traffic at 5:30 am, normally I don't leave home til' 7 so this is a "great" way to start the day. Plus, I fought a doupe the whole way up the interstate. My office is having a pot luck thing and I brought ice cream. Maybe I'm just weird, but since most of that food was for LUNCH, why would a couple of people that don't feel like paying for breakfast decide to just dig in. No one has been able to touch my ice cream yet, and that's a good thing cause I would smack their hands like a nun. "Can I have some chicken Tyler?"- supposed random douche bag; "No, N#gga it's 8:30 in the morning. Go downstairs and have yourselves some pancakes.... oh, and Happy Halloween. Hey somebody brought Honey Baked Ham?! Sweet..." Cause in the end I'm a huge hypocrite. And, a huge fan of HBH, but sadly there is none to be had today. Sadness
Apparently(cause it on every headline), officials have caught a kid that is personally responsible for one of the(14?)15 wildfires that took place in California. And, now like a guy that does an unattractive female with "bare feet", this kid's life is forever changed. That's why I keep declining to buy anything from all these parents trying to get their kid more sales in a fundraiser. Let they kill people, God, they kill people.
Is it necessary for every female that wants people to think she's sexy to be the devil for Halloween?! Grow up and post nudes of yourself online like all the other bad girls. Otherwise it's just a waste of my time. Hi Mommy.
Today, if looks could kill I certainly would have killed Charlie. He tries too hard to make me laugh, and that just irritates me. I've used the phrase "Charlie, I'm not child" at least 50 times in the last week. Somebody told him he was Bill Cosby, and then they left town. Now I'm stuck, an innocent bystander, and made to suffer while he laughs about it in upstate NY. It's like the Carlos Mencia thing, everyone seems to love the guy, but I(and some others, but let's face it, we're outnumbered) don't find him funny. The women in my section think Charlie is funny but every time he dances past my cubicle and says "It's THAT time PLAYA..LOL..I'm bout to make it Doo what it Doo! You got a magazine on ya PLAYA? {No Charlie, you ask me 8 times a day and it's always no.} Oh well, HA HA, I'ma find one pimp. Know wha I'm sayin?" The first few times I heard this, I really didn't mind. In fact I probably chuckled the first couple. Now, I bite my lip a little, remember I'm at work, and try to ignore it. But, the problem is the same as it was back in elementary school. Parents tell their children to ignore bullies and they will go away, they seem to forget that most of them have nothing better to do than see just how long you can avoid them. That's what I'm working with, but not really.
In reference to the movie Mr. Brooks, "When did William Hurt become one of the most deliciously evil actors of all time?" Everyone is raving about Kevin Costner, but Hurt is the one that makes him worth watching. Watch the movie and you'll understand. That's good S%it!
Richmond today, New York next Wednesday... I gotta start traveling on weekends.
My mother wanted me to take my sister to a Hannah Montana concert that she got her tickets to. I think I can imagine what that scene looks like and, well, "Have you ever seen a sad clown?" I passed.
I'm gonna go catch up on some much deprived sleep... oh, and work, so I'll have MUCH more to report tomorrow. Laters....

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

When you're smiling...

Sunny times, huh? I can't think of anything better than when someone heads out into the cold when it's sunny, only to get the expression knocked off their face by the bitter cold. Good times.

Tyler has a new video for our "Tyler vs. Tyler" show. It's my personal favorite cause we had a really fun time at Burger King filming it. Notice the well defined chin of TRich, if you will. Without further ado...

Hopefully, you'll enjoy too.

I'm going to try a little experiment, without saying what I hope will happen, I'll just say I'm going to finally put my links back up. It's been a long time since I did it, and we'll see if my experiment works. If you know what I'm implying, don't share the answers with others...

My nameplate at work, is heavy enough to commit homicide with. But, I feel important when I grip it like a killer and stalk around the cubicles at work. Yep, I'm that creepy guy who gets bored and scares people while they work. Oddly enough, they do it too. Weirdos.

I saw an SUV on the road today that troubled me. He had a sticker that said "Secession.... Just do what's right!" which is fine, but he had a RESCUE SQUAD license plate?! Is this bigot gonna be the only one around when I finally choke on a huge piece of Moussaka, and then not help me.

Guy: Oh my God, someone help. That guy is choking!

Rescuer: I got cha', point him out.

G: That guy right there, the one choking.

R: I... don't... think so. He's a chocolate, let his God sort that out.

G: You a monster buddy.

R: white power...

And, the whole time I'm die while flipping him the bird. For every racist that learns CPR, and angel loses it's wings. Fact.

I've given some serious thought to running over the Fowlest( J Jerkin' ). That's all, I just wanted to share that.

I realized, thanks to the females in my section, that the woman I make eyes with every morning(she's a 10) is definitely in her 30's. I want her even more now. As long as she ain't got kids. I just can't be somebody's Daddy. I don't even like to cook for myself, who's gonna feed him. Unfortunately, I have nothing to say to her. I froze today when the opportunity to say "hi" arose, and then we just smiled and walked apart. Not many beautiful women, notice I didn't say girls(18-26), are going to give you the time of day just cause you told them they were the most perfect thing you've ever seen. We need something truly great to say and some of the really fine ones just knock that out of me. Tomorrow I'm determined to speak though, and I'll give an update that will hopefully rhyme with "she threw me"... yeah, it's a Tuesday.

Well, I better get to eating my lunch and stuff(work). I've been having so much fun with the pictures every morning that I've been thinkin' of a video blog. I don't want it to seem like I'm jocking Schlegel though, feel free to let me know how you feel about that. And who is reading this from Woodbridge, VA. Show yourself, and give me Ice Cream. Laters...

Monday, October 29, 2007

It ain't cold outside

The weather is beautiful, the sun is shining and all that you need to know about yesterday was that "I had a stuffed crust pizza and spaghetti". Needless to say, I am becoming very good friends with the toilet this morning. But, sometimes you gotta stuff yourself. I started working out again for the first time in about 5 years and this is a reward to me... plus I haven't had spaghetti in forever. I guess that's because I don't cook.

Apparently women don't like it when you fall asleep while you're supposed to be chillin/on a date. I only know this cause I've done it twice to two different women and the response from both was not joy. They seemed a little upset and perhaps I won't see one again. Which leads me to Friday night. Jermaine and I..... excuse me, The Fowlest and I(that's better) went to Wiseacres where he did some time and I got to know the waitress better. I had super nachos(which come into play later in the weekend), and the headliner was really cool... Brian Unger I'm pretty sure. Great guy to talk to and then everyone went to a bar and invited J Jerkin'(The Fowlest) and the random black guy that was with him(me) out with them. There was no time for that though cause we were supposed to meet some young lovelies at the theater and see Saw 4. The movie started late, like 12:15, and I'm not the spring chicken or club rat that most might assume by the look of my buttocks... ahem. On a crazy note, I don't know if Keith the comedian is dating this girl that we met at Marymount U., but he just popped up at the movies and scared the S#it out of us. I believe the instant line from both of our mouths was "what the F2ck is Keith doing here?!... Hey Keith." I love Keith, I just didn't expect to see him, and especially not so pimped out with stunna shades on and dime on his right. Pimp on. I saw the first 5 minutes, ate some movie nachos(I ate like a fat man all weekend), fell asleep, woke to a knife killing, slept again, woke and the movie was over and said goodnight. Then we went home and proceeded to hand J Jerkin' the Guitar Hero butt-stomping that he so rightfully deserved.

Saturday I was lucky enough to take Jermaine to the station at almost the same time an accident went down. I wouldn't normally celebrate some one's death, but I drove back from Springfield to see that there was a parking lot on I-95 where I just came from. Sweet. I drank beer all day til' it was time to go to Ned Devine's. Rob Maher, Seaton Smith, Me... need I say more. Here is where the Super Nachos from Wiseacres come into play again. I could NOT stay out of the bathroom and I hate using public bathrooms. It got to the point that someone had the door open and wide open... even that didn't slow me down. I just started goin, not one of my better battles, and anyone who knows me knows what type of S$it it had to be for me to be in there at least 5 times that night... moving on to the comedy. The 6 people paying 100% attention were awesome, the 20 people in the back that were stoked about the lame outfits they had on... not so much. I felt like I did okay for what I was working with, but that ain't sayin much. Seaton commanded the room and got the attention of the people in the back by talking to them. I don't know why that didn't occur to me, but then again one of the first words out of his mouth was making fun of the one black guy with them. He had a sense of humor about it, but with my luck if I had spoke, he would have gone into a roid rage monkey fit. Can anyone see me gettin' S#it thrown at me while I'm askin' who has a PS3?

Rob Maher lives like a FAT RAT! That's all I will say cause I don't want anyone following him and jacking his stuff. I'm jealous, I didn't want to leave so I came up with a plan. I trick Rob and his roommates into throwing a party. I fall down the stairs and break my neck, here comes the genius... instead of suing I tell them to clear out a room and just let me live there. Forever, plus they had Guitar Hero, get the F$ck out of here.

Can't wait for Wednesday, I'll explain on Thursday cause damned if I'm gonna jinx this...

I look good today. Sorry, I just do.

Well, time to live out the rest of this day. Have a great Monday and let's get the hell to Tuesday. Laters....

About Me

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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