That's interesting, I thought Native Americans were extinct

I have been slightly busier than normal but that is no excuse for the lack of blogging, if Erin Jackson can do it than who am I to neglect this “thing?” Let it begin…

Snoopy, from Peanuts, is a whore. He exchanges sexual favors for money. Maybe next time that he dives out of a moving automobile because things jumped up a notch above what he’s comfortable with he’ll think twice. I want my money back Snoop.

I have a cut on my arm and have no idea where it came from. I like to imagine that I’m a sleep-burglar. Now where did I put all that money?

I’m going to start referring to my “nethers” in the most disturbingly large and unattractive ways to see how far you have to go to disgust a woman. “No way you can handle me… have you ever swallowed a phone?” “Meet my only child!” “Say hello to Dr. Chubby D*ck.” “Doctors thought I had a Siamese twin that never fully developed which is why I name him Darrell, touch his face!” “My d*ck has feet.”

I have really taken to calling someone a "sandwich maker." For those unfamiliar with my tweets, that would be when someone infuriates you to the point you grab a fist full of ham and shove it right up their chute. They just helped you make a sandwich; a man sandwich. I couldn't imagine doing that to a woman, but that thought tickles me too. Sammiches!

I need some feety pajamas but I fear that I will totally stop buying clothes to wear outside of work. Once it becomes dingy I’ll look like a kid that was kicked out of his house as a toddler and just stayed homeless.

Are we all excited to see Machete?! I’m saddened that Lindsay Lohan’s “nude scene” has me grinning but I do love boobs. Alba, Rodriguez (Michelle), Lohan and some random woman playing her mother that also gets naked… I’ve never spanked it in public before but jaaam!

Apparently right after I left Brittany’s last night a fight broke out and someone pulled a knife then the cops got called. When I was told my response was “ugh, I hate cops.” If weed were legal I don’t think I’d feel this way. Who has to die to make this possible.

Weedly-related, I find it funny that when Phillip said his joke about having the heart conditions that make it impossible for him to drink or smoke, cigarettes or other, Mariya chimed in “Oooh!” We “frequent flyers” are a compassionate people, God bless you, one and all.

iTunes 10 will introduce yet another social networking tool, PING. Now everyone can know what Tyler S. is listening to. And everyone will know how much Norah Jones I really listen to. It WAS my dirty little obsession before today.

In Chicago on Monday a little girl said “Mommy, here comes a black man. Grab your purse.” I had my headphones in but definitely heard her and treated it as though I hadn’t. But once it got out of her mouth her mother shouted “Melinda!” as though she just pulled out a samurai sword and started waving it. It tickled me in hindsight but I was pretty blown away at the time.

I’m going to start shooting really random short videos for a YouTube account that doesn’t have my name attached. The first one, “You Got Served.”

“Oh boy, this whole room smells like a queef. It’s time to vacuum.”

I saw on Punchline Magazine that a man was telling a joke for $.50, or something like that, on the street and making as much as $17 an hour. I wish I thought of it, I’m so tired of working a day job. If only I weren’t too cheap to play the lottery I could be a millionaire.

“Dude you look pregnant, like really bloated but you’re glowing.”

I’m really considering getting some laxative (“Ass Drano”) and spending the weekend doing what I love. Wake, bake, toilet, nap, toilet, bake, toilet, food, bake, toilet…

Well, I must be going, I think I’m going to sleep on my keyboard for the next two hours. Enjoy, be safe and bang someone you want.

Peaces

"Jones!" Not Indiana, Koala.

(We pick up with Koala Jones in the jungle)
Swinging from the vines he pauses, “Hmmm, wasn’t I supposed to be doing something?” He was supposed to be torturing a man he had been paid to kidnap last week. Mr. Timmly died three days before Jones even thought about that. What brought Koala Jones out to the Brazilian jungle? What else, but hot koala tail. The tribe of women that Koala Jones visits every year in July weren’t actually koalas. Despite the delicious looking women in the pornographic films you may have seen before, a lot of them are hairy legged beasts, for this Jones identifies them as koalas.

Back at the village, Jones is mid-conga line when a tiger (I don’t care if those can be found in the Brazilian jungle, Koala Jones is a bad ass) came out of the brush and stood right in front of the first conga koala. Jones dove into action before a single hair on those Brazilians’ tanned legs could be harmed. With him belt undone, yep you heard me, he jumped on the tiger’s back and rode that beast all the way into a cave. Once in the cave Jones realized this was the tiger’s home. She had brought him back to her cave for naughty things. Jones knew it because her paws were soaked to the bone. What’s a koala to do but wax that dirty, Brazilian, tiger meat ass?

In the morning Koala set out on foot with a Capri Sun drink and “after stink” that could keep a bear away. Happening upon a waterfall, Koala went for a dip, without his belt. He heard something coming, it was a group of homosexual men. Before Jones could get out someone had pulled off their clothes and hopped into the stream right on top of him. Nearly suffocating Jones under all that meat, Jones escaped and found his belt. As he walked away he heard a suggestion for “Who’s in my mouth?” He was glad he hadn’t seen or heard of that game before.

Back in NYC Koala Jones bought a pack of Starbursts. They just hit the spot.

It probably seems strange to some that Koala Jones wears a belt, but without it he would be unable to speak and inspire the world like he does. The belt once belonged to a Unicorn that happened upon Jones in the wild. The Unicorn told him that he tired of the ability to speak, because he was mythical and could never be seen by human eyes. Desperate to hear someone else speak, he gave the belt to Koala Jones. As soon as he gave the belt over, Jones attacked. Unicorn meat is believe by some to be the secret to eternal life. Jones felt nothing more than a full stomach and something that tasted like fried chicken. This would be the first kill for Jones, unfortunately it would not be his last run-in with a Unicorn, nor would they forget what he did to a fallen brother. Knowing that Unicorns are less likely to chase him in public he sought out the biggest population of people he could hide in. Koala Jones is terribly racist so China was out of the picture. But after finding a brochure for New York and seeing the level of woman offered out there he knew where he had to make his new home.

After watching the latest Robin Williams movie, Jones needed a rest, it was just so bad. Jones headed for the bedroom… a shadowy figure could be seen approaching his balcony. As Koala closed his door and prepared to sleep the night away, someone was standing on his balcony. Just as the door closed a Unicorn with fire red eyes pressed his face against the glass with an evil look.

To be continued…Peaces

Koala Jones, episode 1

And now for the ongoing adventures of Koala Jones!

It was a Sunday, most weeks Jones spent Sundays basking on his patio snacking on Eucalyptus leaves, not today though. A phone call awoke him from his normal post-orgy sleep, he had to crawl through dirty women-strangers just to answer. “And who has me standing here buck naked at 11 AM talking on the phone?!” It was a distraught man going on and on about his missing father. The only thought that kept going through Jones’ mind was whether or not he used protection last night. He stared blankly at a mole on his palm wondering if it had always been there or if one of these women had given him something that needed urgent care. Suddenly, “So will you help me? Or do I need to call the police?” Without thought, or certainty of what had really been asked while he was distracted, Jones replied “You’ve have the wrong number, I’m not a detective.” The rest of the afternoon was spent planning his Monday… Jones’ had been paid to assassinate a CEO of an evil conglomerate.

Monday:
“I don’t want to pop this thing but if you don’t tell me the security code I’m afraid it has to go!” Koala Jones was extracting information from a security guard, he was a big man but one of his testicles was in a koala death grip. He gave Jones the information he was looking for, unfortunately that testicle still had to be removed. As Jones ran up a staircase desperate to pull of his mission on time he noticed a half eaten Snickers bar on the ground; he ate it. The CEO, Mr. Timmly, had security like the president of the United States of America. Koala Jones wasn’t much for hand to hand combat, that’s why his clients love him. In keeping with his reputation of being discrete Jones’ swallowed a lot of grenades, it’s hard to identify anything when you blow it to the Stone Age. The “pick up” went according to plan, now to hide his hostage until he received further demands from his client.

Tuesday (getting to know each other):
“I hope you like The Weather Girls, because no matter what the forecast, it’s always raining men.” These were the first words that Mr. Timmly heard while coming out of a dream. Looking around he couldn’t place if he was in a basement or if he was in an attic, either way it smelled heavily of ammonia. “What’s that smell? Where am I? What the f*** is that smell?!” Mr. Timmly asked. He was being hidden in Koala Jones’ poop room, the other rooms had sleeping women fresh off a Monday night orgy and they could not be disturbed. “I’m sorry I had to put you in my poop room, I had no where else to put you. Mayonnaise?” Though he declined the mayo, Mr. Timmly questioned why a Koala had kidnapped him and what he wanted. Jones replied “Well, it appears you’re an adulterer, your wife doesn’t think much of that. She is paying me a lot of money to send her pictures of you being tortured. So, I’m going to play this Weather girls song until you beg me to stop. Then, when I feel you’ve truly had enough, I’m going to put on the entire series of Friends and you’ll watch every episode.” Confused Mr. Timmly asked “And after that I can just go?” Koala Jones responded “No, then she wants a picture of you dead. Enjoy this song and enjoy the series.”

Wednesday:
Koala came into the room, he pooped, then he left. Mr. Timmly was still enjoying the song It’s raining men. Unrelated: Nothing good came on The Movie Channel that night, nothing good ever comes on The Movie Channel.

To be continued... with car crashes, laxative drinks and more sex than you can shake a stick at. Check back soon.

Peaces

I can't diagnose that, because I'm not a doctor.

Two thugs in an alleyway:
#1: Step, Step, pivot, smile, dip… no! How many times are you gonna flex right there when you know it’s dip?!
#2: Sorry, I don’t even know where my head is at.
#1: Maybe the King and I isn’t something you care about anymore. Maybe you’d rather not turn a classic into an all black rock opera that takes us outta the ghetto and away from this life.
#2: You that ain’t true, I just had to bury another homeboy that got caught up in the mix yesterday. Damn this penis!
#1: It wasn’t your dick’s fault that Jerry tried to get a taste and turned to drugs when you denied him. It was wrong, he was family… and you ain’t gay. Now c’mon, from the downbeat…
#2: (sniff) Let’s roll!

I’ve begun planting money in hopes that a money tree will form. If I’m gonna move I will need at least $72 dollars. C’mon money tree.

“No, no more Ziti for me, it’s Ramadan.”

Let us take a moment of silence for the first man to slap a woman’s ass and mean it as a compliment. Respect must also be given to the first freak (in a good way) to take the compliment and sleep with said man. Respect

“Excuse me Miss, but how many times am I going to have to make quips about the day before you ask me my name? I want some Tang and I thought I was being a gentleman about this; but you gon make me go the other way. So, Spain won the World Cup huh?”

Sex is a crafty distraction put in front of us by the Plutonians. Do they know they succeeded? Good question, I prefer to think they didn’t plan how long it would take to get here correctly.

I want Chipotle so bad I’m doing the pee pee dance. Wait… no, apparently I had to urinate. Damn, why do I always guess wrong?

I’ve been listening to Mariya Alexander’s podcast since Friday, I’m addicted. Don’t know why I jumped on the bus so far after everyone else, but me likey. I would like to go on with Jack of All Trades and hear his side of the story. “What story?” Pick one, I guarantee there are plenty of stories in his past worth our time.

Bad grammar makes me grip the hilt of my sword. I’m just old fashioned that’s all.

Harry Belafonte (pictured above, looking just as sensual as always) is the constant in every conga line in the 21st century. Bless him…

“Lotion…” Huh? “Lotion is what someone with ashy hands like your needs most.” Oh, actually I’m just here for stamps, does the post office sell lotion? “Nope, I just didn’t want you to shake someone unsuspecting person’s hand and cut anybody. Stamps are $5.00.”

Looking back, I cabbage patch while getting ready to go anywhere, far too often. I’m totally abusing the running man.

M’kay, I’m off to stare at my soda bottle until it’s lunch time. Hooray!

Peaces

Is that fried chicken I smell cooking? (no) Oh.

Local news: I need a haircut, currently I appear to auditioning for the role of Slave #2.

I’m way too excited to meet John Witherspoon, I don’t want to come off as a d*ck rider, but tattooing “Bang Bang Bang” on my neck isn’t too much right? C’mon August…

I have my precious iPhone 4 now, to all those who are without I feel your pain. Not really, last night I made love to it and then we feel asleep in our mess. I work hard, I play hard (begins dancing to Teach Me How to Dougie).

Hopefully everyone caught the great Louis C.K.’s new show LOUIE on FX last night. If you missed it, you are not loved. You have my sympathy; catch a repeat and a whole basket of God’s love.

July 13th feels like it’s an ocean away but soon Curren$y "Spitta" will grace us with his new album and tiny angels will come down and kiss the faces of those who purchase it. Every time that you put the album on repeat the angel will return to whisper something in your ear that is pleasant to hear. “You are very attractive and your breath smells like delicious Fruit by the Foot.”

I’m trying to work on a joke about Pachyderms, I could say elephant but that term has always made me laugh. Plus, it makes me think of Babar.

National news: Chris Brown didn’t want to be known for beating women so instead he will be referred as a b*tch. That is all.

I hate being a victim of a stereotype but guess which soda I’m drinking: A) Orange B) Grape C) Sprite? See below for the answer…

I’m infatuated with “Yo Momma” jokes right now. I make them to myself and try to lock them away for the moment that an opportunity presents itself. Example: “I have to pick up some more Mr. Bubbles.” Why? “Because your mother was over last night and used the whole bottle. She really loves that stuff.” Zing!

Two wrongs don’t make a right… Hey! You, little kid! Get away from my car before I take a sh!t on your skateboard and make you eat it! Sorry; where was I?

I was in NY on Sunday and Monday, when I arrived it was right in the middle of gay pride festivities. I have never been exposed to that much gay in my entire life. It looked like the most fun a gay person could have, I feel like calling it “a gay person’s Mardi Gras” isn’t doing it justice. And the beautiful women, my God! Something still seems off-putting about watching two gigantic, ripped, brick-sh!t house men giving piggy backs across the street but hey, what can you do? I also got to chill and joke with the Fowlest for awhile, I miss him being around but perhaps I’ll do what all DC people do and move. Perhaps…

Anyone not watching the Boondocks this season is only hurting themselves. “I like you, and I wants you.” They’ll catch up eventually.

Well, I must go and feed the creature I keep chained down on floor zero. If he doesn’t get his mashed up taters he starts morphing into something horrible.

Peaces

Do I have to put something nasty in your mouth to make you frown?

I wrote a blog a few days ago but it met a tragic, programmer, error. While I was wrapping it up, a programmer needed to work at my desk for a minute and with the document out and my supervisor standing over him staring at it he asked “Do you want to save this?” I said “No, just delete it please.” Since it was a couple of pages long he asked again, while she tries to speed read, and I urged him to just do it. I had gold on there, now we’ll never know…

“Frown…frown harder…harder! Do you want me to put something nasty in your mouth to make you frown?!”

Today’s word of the day is marmalade, when used it cannot be talking about the condiment. Example: “I don’t care how get in done, marmalade that ass right up the ladder and get that boomerang you begged me to buy you. Before I lose patience with you.”

Things I hope I don’t have to answer for in the afterlife:
-Laughing repeatedly at my co-worker’s “challenged” daughter
-Not voting in the presidential election when Kerry lost to Bush
-My fetish for grapes (what does that mean?)
-Fantasies as a slave owner, white slaves
-Daydreams where I gain a superpower and become a villain instantly
-Mary Jane

My friend Jessie and I were joking about someone with a ridiculously big “junk” that trailed behind them like some horrible snake. “Hey, you know your d*ck is up here at the top of the stairs?” Sorry, (tug, tug, tug) is it gone now? “Yeah, thanks, I just don’t like when it stairs at me while I’m eating. I feel like I should feed it or something.

When did the Black Eyed Peas become the Beatles? They’re huge!

The FedEx tracking number for my iPhone 4 is 431939755515. Feel free to keep your eyes open for it.

A comedy trip with some friends this weekend, can’t wait. Everything tends to get silly when a bunch of silly people go somewhere different. Then things stop getting silly, and start getting REAL. The Real World: New York Again Part 4

Am I going to be a 70-year-old man waiting on A Tribe Called Quest to come back?

I ate fried chicken from Popeye’s today, but I ate it so fast there was no time to take a picture to go up top. So I went with Snuffy.

Alright, I’m out, but I will have many good things to talk about when next back at the helm.

Peaces

Put on a shirt?! I'm a war hero, you're welcome!

Only one story on my plate worth sharing today, the large group of handicapped people that came into the Comedy Spot last night right in time for Hot Broth. These people were obviously physically and mentally handicapped and some comics even tried being nice and asking if they were lost. I assume half of the question is trying to be helpful and the other half just wants a bad situation to be removed. Sadly, there was no improv show, just rehearsal so they were there for the open mic. Let the games begin!

Ahmed began the show as host and went up and ignored the elephant in the room pretty well. It couldn’t have taken more than three seconds into his first words before one of them made a noise. This noise would be best described as what Carlos Mencia is trying to imitate when you lets loose his battle cry. I’m not proud to say it, but this is where I began to lose it. I had the perfect seat for looking into Ahmed’s soul and whether he was just trying to look straight ahead or looking right at me, it was hilarious the look he wore while trying to ignore the obvious. I looked around in my fit of inward-giggling and noticed that no one else was really laughing for anything. I was a ball of silly, and whoever the creepy guy next to me with rape face was, knew it. I was looking to the ground with tears in my eyes when one jumped up.

The woman needed to use the restroom, and the guardian person did not want her to at that time. They fought about it in front of Ahmed for several seconds. Then finally the guardian grabs the woman’s arm and got the woman to sit, for about five seconds, then she popped back up and went hauling a$$ for the door. The guardian chased and they left the others to enjoy another 5 minutes, at most, of comedy. Ahmed finished up and brought on Eli, after asking if anyone had sex (a lot of replies were yes) a woman made the “noise” again. People laughed a little harder and Eli said “grow up guys” then all of the handicapped guests stood up and hauled a$$. It was weird, but I’m glad I didn’t have to try and perform with something that uncomfortable going on. I know I would’ve laughed so Ahmed, kudos to you. I liken it try to stay on topic while a guy in the front row slowly and methodically reached out for your junk. The urge to slap his fingers would be too strong, and I’d probably laugh at his horrible attempt to unass some of that shoot (slang for going for the hog).

When I told Nelson about it last night we had a laugh that generally only comes from XTREME tickling.

Curren$y’s Pilot Talk comes out on June 22nd! Jets fool…

Peaces

Who said money makes you classy?

For those who came to preview the State Theatre show on Saturday, feast up.


And here we are in the phase again, ah, I wish I was home nursing a bottle of Miller Lite watching Red Dead Redemption remind me how far video games have come. Sigh, maybe Saturday morning…

Next Saturday, June 12th come see Ahmed, Courtney Fearrington, Jessie Thomas, Andy Kline and TRich at the State Theatre in Falls Church! We’ll be making fun happen from 9-11 PM and ticket prices will come shortly. Jaaaam!

I understand why I have some Shakira music, that is completely in Spanish, on my iPod. But why on earth do I keep coming across Spanish people I’ve never heard of before on shuffle? Who are these Spanishes and how did they find me.

Go to Google’s homepage, then search “Google won’t” and click I’m feeling lucky. Trust me…

Chicago, don’t you hide from me, I’m coming! Not til August though. Sigh.

To hell with the chili in my car that I brought for lunch, Daddy needs his Chipotle fix and I’m gonna get it gosh darnit.

A woman at work is dressed inappropriately no matter what she is wearing, we call that blessed.

I should really go get that chili from my car, otherwise I fear it will get so hot outside that the chili will cook itself in the plastic container on my floor. And then there will be chili stink in my car; unacceptable.

I took my mother to see Sex and The City 2 on Monday, apparently it was the national day for black women to see that movie. I have not seen a movie in theaters with my mother since I was a child, once I was old enough to see stuff on my own that’s exactly what I did. She was talking to me loudly throughout the movie, and so was every other black woman in the theater. I had to do something, Samantha (Charlotte and Miranda, no love for Carrie) deserved our silence and since I paid for us to see it I wasn’t about to miss the girls for conversation that I didn’t pay to hear. I yelled “Mom, if you don’t stop talking to me like we’re in your living room I’m going to get upset.” I think all of the other women got the point because I was able to focus on the movie after that. You just can’t take some people anywhere, and yeah, I love my mommy.

This was a quicker blog, but I’ll try to do this tomorrow.

Peaces

"Where you been?" I had hemorrhoids. "Oh."

I have been off doing I don’t know what for far too long. Where is the random non-sense that keeps two people on the edge of their seats and allows for elves to tuck their children in at night? We have much to go over, let it begin.

I’m older now, 27, so I’ve taken up going to check the mail with nothing but boxers on. The mailbox is quite a walk so I like to consider it a really long, boxer laden, Soul Train line. Except I don’t dance, I won’t do that.

June 3-5th I’ll be in Baltimore at the Comedy Factory opening for John Henton, you may know him as Overton from Living Single. I’m really excited for this; I’m hoping he’ll be down for posing with Chipotle burritos like we’re black secret agents on a burrito mission. I’ll settle for casual conversation though, let the games begin!

The DC 101 Chili Cook-off was out of control awesome. Let’s go over some things that happened on Saturday for those that chose not to rock out and eat like a gluttonous king: Half naked white women were everywhere, most of the men with them were wearing less than they were. There was so much chili I felt like Homer in Chocolate Land, I was so happy walking from place to place eating for freezies and grinning like the Cheshire Cat. Unfortunately, all of those little samples eventually made for a very full stomach. I’ll save a lot of details and say that I walked slowly to a port o’ potty and DESTROYED that thing. I was so ashamed, but I was definitely not going to sit down, no sir. There was Mary Jane everywhere and those it took Nelson (and *cough*) sometime to get into the mix of the hippie lifestyle, soon enough everything was in the sky. Nelson crowd surfed, I wish I could’ve brought myself to do that but I saw way too many people get flung into the mosh pit. Crowd surfing girls were groped (not by me) and then there was the naked old lady. A circle formed so this young lady could strip, cool, but then this old woman came out of nowhere and crashed that $#!T. She started with her top, unacceptable but not THAT bad in hindsight. Then as soon as I told myself “that’s enough” she peeled everything off and danced naked as a jaybird in that circle for the next five minutes. Stone Temple Pilots rocked! Switchfoot rocked! Cage the elephant rocked! I wish we could do it all over again, mostly because it would be Saturday all over again but I’ll wait a few more days.

I’ve gotten my chipped tooth fixed and though I’m slowly getting used to a normal-ish mouth, I kept clanking my teeth together the first day or two. It made eating a true struggle; can anyone guess what the first thing I was able to eat successfully was? Fried Chicken on Sunday, yep, it’s fate.

I’ve been carrying around this picture of a handicapped kid that been making me laugh, normally I would feel bad about that but she is hilarious. And I never grow tired of people reactions when they get confirmation that the little girl in my picture album is in fact handicapped. Ah, the best things in life are free. I would put her up here, but that would be tasteless.

Springtime means people are hooking up like jackrabbits. Normally I would be bitter, but I’m happily in my own little relationship, so I’m right there with the birds.

Dear John Legend: What the hell are you waiting for, I need new mood music and I’ve played Trey Songz new album so much I hear “Yuuuup” in my nightmares. Sincerely, Bill Clinton

I can’t wait to try this new pro-slavery joke I thought of last night. In 2 of 3 attempts in my mind, I see a bottle getting hurled at my face. But that magical third reaction of laughter is the one I’m hoping is realized. I just have to wear white face while I tell it.

Praise be to the wolf! It’s been awhile since he was given his due so I had to backtrack for a second. Moving on…

Is it weird to find a wedgie sexy? Of course not, nah.

I wish genies were real so I could make wishes. Oh, you’re curious? Well, if I only get three: 1) A Chipotle bag that will always have food in it when I’m hungry. 2) A dragon that loves me and will always obey my every command. 3) The ability to grow the world’s most magnificent facial hair.

You’ll notice that I didn’t ask for millions, with a dragon at my disposal the money will never be a problem. “Give me all the money in your safe! You’re about to get torched back to the Stone Age by my dragon Sean Connery (wuh? I liked Dragonheart) if I don’t see all the gold! Hahahahahaha!”

WWDC is so close now I can hardly wipe my own bottom, new iPhone and OS 4!

Okay, I’m out for a little bit, but I’m going to attempt to do this a little more often. Jaaam!

LOST series finale > 24 series finale, both will be missed sorely. Monday and Tuesday have lost their purpose…

Peaces

Maple leaves smell a lot like cannibusSo, it’s been awhile, how was Canada? Let’s recap but I’ll make this fun rather than a seven page report of the

Koala bears aren't in Canada, but he makes laugh so I wanted you to see it. It's been awhile, how was Canada? Let’s recap but I’ll make this fun rather than a seven page report of the happenings. Ahem:

- I had to leave my favorite cologne at security in Reagan Nat’l Airport because I’m retarded and didn’t remember liquids are essentially a bomb. My mistake.
- Along with my deodorant and cologne the d’bag security guy also took both copies of my letter
stating my purpose in Canada. I worried but I’d have bigger problems trying to enter Canada than
that.
- Canada is pretty strick on letting criminals into their country. I didn’t consider myself a
criminal until they reminded me that I stole something from Circuit City when I was 19 and though it was wiped from my record (it was a video game, yep) it was still theft. My possession (also removed from my record) was of no concern. I had to pay $200 for a rehab permission slip that allowed me in,
or I had to hop back on a plane to the states.
- My hotel was way better than I expected, I was prepared for slum and got a nice Hilton, who
knew?
- I have never been offered a “smoke” so many times in my life! It was awesome how they think
nothing of something that is still not that accepted here, those people don’t even put cologne on after hot boxing. That was the hardest thing about leaving, and the comedy.
- Hot women were everywhere. What? I honestly wasn’t expecting that.
- I cleaned up in Blackjack, which was awesome since I lost a lot of money very quickly in
Roulette.
- Any Asian that goes missing here should probably have a search party in Canada, they’re
everywhere.
- While being driven to the second hotel I had to check into our driver got pulled over.
She found out, just like we did, that the car she was given to drive us in was not registered. It hadn’t been for five years, and she had an outstanding warrant. Luckily, unlike the other two comics in the car I
wasn’t heading to the airport and had nothing but time. We ended up standing on the side of the road for a minute waiting for someone else to come pick us up.
- I was unaware so many people were eating Bison meat. I’m not that much of animal
sympathizer but Bison is definitely on that list of animals I won’t eat. Not when there are fruit roll ups or cows still walking the earth.
- There was a blizzard one day, I enjoyed that thoroughly.
- I drank a Red Bull the size of a thigh on Sunday night.
- There were no Chipotle’s…

Well, with that let us continue with our weekend (perhaps see Iron Man 2) and we'll start brand new and fresh on Monday.

That is not how you spell Niger! You know this.

A husband in denial: “Damnit Susan, your mouth tastes distinctly like a condom. You’ve been gone all afternoon and I want to know where you were? Whole Foods?”

So, I’ve been drawing pictures of animals with genitals that are way too big lately. I know, Superbad was a long time ago but some stuff just is just funny. The problem with this type of behavior is that now I have friends requesting pictures. What do you say when you’ve supplied plenty of d*ck and the people want more? Tell them I’m not in the mood? Nope, I’m gonna buckle down and think of a cute woodland creature; then I’m gonna put a huge grown man d*ck on it.

I’m as giddy as a school man (I’m not a girl) about leaving the country. Not since I was a young boy leaving Germany (true story) have I been outside of the United States. I really need to travel some more, the next stop is Amsterdam. I need to find a new best friend the second I get there so I don’t have to be lonely and I have someone for foreign shenanigans. But Saturday seems like forever away so I’ll stay mentally here for the next few days.

I smell S’mores, but since I seriously doubt that I could walk around and find someone on the fifth floor in front of a fire holding a stick, I think it’s probably ethnic food. Gross.

Quote of the week (thus far): “That girl is so fine I’d like to walk over to her and just start singing an LL Cool J song. Hey luva, this is more than a crush…” – Nelson Sayson

When 24 actually ends, will they just have Jack Bauer blowtorch every bad person responsible for evil doing anywhere? He should be stopping people who are potentially evil from getting it on, since he won’t be here to kill their dictator of a child in 35 years. We’ll miss you Jack Bauer, I already do and you’re still here. Sigh…

Stephen Hawking has stated what I’ve always believed, aliens more than likely won’t be friendly. I’ve been up many a homeless person that told me they were aliens. Did I believe them? No, but just in case an alien was somewhat close by I wanted him to know to wear a cup.

Datpiff.com is the place where I’ve been getting all of my Curren$y mixtapes, I’m disappointed in myself for not listening to Hot Spitta earlier. If you like Lil Wayne’s work ethic, know that Curren$y put out 7 mixtapes in the last year and half, that’s free GOOD music. Please support real music.

Wedgie… got it.

I just ate some bacon that tasted like it was made from Kilwalksi the muscle pig. It was tough and had a jawline. I think I feel it flexing it’s way down my throat now, uh oh, sleeper hold!

Great, now I have Hey Lover by LL Cool J featuring Boyz II Men in my head.

The adventures of random dude:
“I’ve never committed a crime, except for the time that guy was trying show off in front of his girlfriend and I stabbed him for stepping to me wrong. Other than that day; nothing.”

Skidamerinky dinky dink, skida f*ck that song. I never liked the Elephant Show.

I must go now, there are wrongs to right and sodas to sip on.

Peaces

Holy $#IT, check out the package on that bear!

And here we are with what is sure to be a rainy Wednesday’s highlight: The story of Mabel, the big d*cked bear. And now, cue the theme music!

“There once was a sorcerer that got bored, so he decided to play
He found a bear that was full of joy and decided to make him great
He gave him genitals 50 times larger than were necessary
It’s impossible for him to mate
But don’t you cry, he’s got to much pride
To let that ruin his day
He’s Mabel, the bear with a really big d*ck
He never swears, he’s got hugs to spare
Cause with a d*ck this big who wouldn’t share”

Some have speculated that if you wander into the forest with a jar of marmalade that is aged just right, you’ll be in for a surprise. While there is no documented proof of Mabel, there have been many reports made to the Shingle Police Station of a bear with genitals the size of a dinosaur’s in the local park. Local police chief Johnson said “From what we hear, they are prank sized genitals, so large that people assume a friend is hiding behind a tree pumping this thing up with a bike pump or something. Hell most folks say he’s harmless, just stands there and lets you soak it all in. Most of em’ laugh stupid til he wanders away or run screaming from the thing. You should’ve seen this nun that wandered across it; white as a ghost when I found her. Only words she kept saying was BIG and Tali whacker; over and over again.”

It is believed that Mabel, the big d*cked bear, survives not on ordinary bear food supplies but picnic baskets. Wait… that’s Yogi, sorry one of the pictures sketched for Mabel has him dressed like Yogi the Bear with his “tali whacker” sitting in the potato salad. It’s really disturbing, and pretty funny. Anyway, Mabel does have a sweet tooth. This family says that he walked up, in broad daylight, and ate every snack they had in their camper. “Yeah, at first we were terrified, you know? A bear is right there in front of us and breathing real hard. I put myself in between the bear and my family so he could eat me and fill, that way he might only eat my wife and leave the children to tell the tale; he just walked right past me. First he killed off every Airhead that we had. Even the watermelon flavored disgusting ones got gobbled up. The whole time we’re watching him pilfer, I can’t help but notice that my daughter is gargoyle staring at the tree trunk this thing is dragging around with it. I was like someone just opened the arc of the covenant. Her eyebrows still have a lightning streak of white running through them. And, between you and I… it was beautiful.”

We only wish that we had the opportunity to catch this myth on tape. Hopefully Mabel is out there raising big d*ck little cubs, but we’re unsure of what kind of female bear it would take to mate with Mabel. Scientists claim that with his mythical shaft it would take a female bear 70 feet long to complete the mating ritual. I, for one, hope that she died quickly after what was surely a horrific scene that would make the Care Bears puke. Well folks, if you’re ever wandering through the forest without shoes on, and maybe you remembered you didn’t take that large jar of marmalade out of your backpack; or maybe you’re just eating hallucinogenic mushrooms. Please try and get a picture of our friend Mabel, let him know that we respect his genitals and would love to put them in a museum someday… him too.

Peaces

This office doesn't have a 4:20 policy Mr. Richardson!

Well here we are again, bloggin it up and making this holiday the very best 420 it can be. Hopefully everyone will get off that tush and come to Solly’s to celebrate this thing right… with a Miller Lite (wink).

I’m very excited to be headed to FunnyFest next Friday, I’m going to take WAAAY more pictures than I did in Nebraska. I don’t care if the only people over there are 70 year old hippies offering some peace-pipe-age. I’m also very excited to worry about nothing but performing for a week or so.

For the show featuring Josh Scott, Tim Miller and Courtney Fearrington; I just learned that I am allowed to wrestle with a bear even though I have no previous fight experience. Friday May 14th at Fort Belvoir, time is a mystery but I’m sure I’ll have it soon. It’s gonna be crazy!

I’ve been thinking that I may be able to get onto a Shackleford show with a disguise, like a 1930’s mustache. I’ll follow up once I’ve done the field work. I’m kidding, that’s a waste of my guess, he’ll know its me.

I sent an inappropriate picture of a bear with a big wenis to all of my friends. Immaturity only exists if you believe you have something beneath you. I am not bound by this electrical tape called pride.

I saw Kick Ass and guess what… I’m not going to say it. Just go see this movie.

Beans are not a magical fruit. They make dates very uncomfortable; or so I hear.

Alright, I hope to see everyone around and can't wait til tomorrow when I write a real blog. Jaaam!

Peaces

I'm telling you, Starburst don't have a poop flavor; you should stop eating that.

I’m as hard as a brick, I kid, I just wanted to get your attention. Now that I have it let’s jump into this pool of random shall we? Ah ah, take off those band-aids. If one of the children get hold of those they’ll try to eat scabbing out of the gauzy part. Now then…

Rick Ross haunts my nightmares like Freddy Krueger, the only difference is that Rick Ross isn’t there to kill me. Generally he just stumbles around my dreams looking for a woman named cheeseburger. I hope he finds her so he can get the hell out of there and I can get back to my dreams of world domination. Maybe I should go to sleep with a cheeseburger clenched in between my thighs and I’ll take it with me to my dream world. Yeah!

I’m seeing someone right now that makes me very happy, the ultimate test for me of how much we have in common will be when she is forced to watch one of the adult cartoons I hold dearest. If she laughs at Frisky Dingo then I might have to make her a sammich right then… and I don’t make anyone sammiches.

Everyone is coughing and hacking like they’ve caught the bubonic plague. All I have to defend against them is a bottle of Instant Hand Sanitizer. If this were a video game I would charge someone when they coughed and squirt this crap down their throat. They would fizzle and turn into coins and I would collect them until I got to the castle where my princess is being held captive. Instead I’m sitting here reapplying more and more every time I hear a scary whooping cough. Good times…

I saw Brandon Warbell stab a homeless man that asked him for change on Saturday night. Don’t let that get back to him, I’d prefer to live through 2010. Don’t be fooled by his innocent face, he keeps a butterfly knife in his pocket, I’ve seen it.

Every Friday should end with Sean Paul Ellis and his lovely wife Kim. They’re so happy I swear they can’t be real… come to think of it I’ve never seen either one of them in front of a mirror. Dracula!

It’s a Chipotle day! (also known as a weekday) I’m going to send Ahmed a picture with me eating it that way if he’s eating a stalk of celery or something he can sigh and know I’m having a blast. Yaaaam!

Kanye West, what the hell happened to you? Please just make a true follow up to Late Registration. We miss you

I had a blast at the Velvet Lounge on Friday! Eli was incredible (someone choked to death during his set, Andy was phenomenal (the fans just grabbed him and forced him to crowd surf) then Seaton came and set the place on fire (literally, I’m pretty sure the police are looking for him). It was awesome and I was thrilled to have been there to check IDs with the bouncer.

Peaces

Hello Thursday, you didn't come home last night. I waited...

Merry Thursday everyone! Last night at Soundry’s was fun, I got to eye hump some picture of a bubble butted woman. Jaaam!

The joke writing machine continues, I have never written so many in such little time… I feel like every other comic now! I wish I had thought of something new tonight but perhaps it will come to me between now and 7 O’ Clock. Something to do with hyena meat, the clock is ticking.

The iPhone will finally be able to multi-task. Uh oh, the floor beneath me is coming apart, AH! OMG:
TRich: Who is that? What’s going on?
Dark figure: I’m here to claim what is rightfully mine.
T: What does that have to do with me? OH NO, are you…
Both: Satan!
S: Come with me, you begged for multi-tasking and whined like every other Apple fan boy. Well you have what you crave, now I want your soul.
T: What happened to my wish for a million dollars when I was eight years old?
S: I can’t grant every wish that is thrown out into the universe.
T: Well a lot of other people asked for the same thing. Why aren’t you coming for them?
S: Because someone has to be made into an example!
T: What about Nelson or Sean Paul Ellis? They would both use this ability a lot more and probably wanted it a lot more.
S: Hmm… well, I guess; NO! I won’t be swayed or bargained with. Now get in the sack!
T: You don’t have a car or an elevator? Jesus.
Jesus: Yes my son.
T: Look, I may have exaggerated and sold my soul for Apple to allow the iPhone to have multi-tasking. But you know me, I go overboard quite a bit.
J: You will always be my child, and when your times comes to leave this planet you will come with me not him.
S: FINE! Hey kid, give me those guy’s addresses you mentioned before.
T: Gotta pen?
S: No, I was hoping you did.
T: Then f*** off. Hey Jesus, can I have a peek at Heaven?
J: Sure, hop in the sack.
T: I guess no one has a car or an elevator…
J: You can wait for your look at Heaven, maybe when you get here you won’t be such a smug jerk.
T: That wasn’t very nice.
J: Sorry, I missed LOST the other night and I’ve been taking it out on everyone.
T: Me too, no worries J man, we’ll both see it eventually.
J: Peaces TRich.
T: Peaces Jesus. Hey Satan…
S: Yeah.
T: F*** off, what are you still doing here?
S: I really hate you.
T: Back at ya Satan, back at ya.

I had way too big a grin writing that, thank goodness no one at work peeked over my shoulder to see. How could they treat me like a normal individual after finding out how truly strange I am? But the trick is to embrace it, never run from it.

I’m leaving work now so I’ll see whoever is out at Hot Broth tonight and tomorrow at 3 Chord Comedy at 7 PM! Just do it!

Peaces

"Dis is a good ass SAMMICH!"

If you haven’t heard, 3 Chord Comedy will be on Friday at the Velvet Lounge at 7 PM! Who’s performing you ask? Welp, there’s Eli Sairs (who’s known to rock a microphone), Andy Kline (I’ve never seen him smack a woman, making him the nicest pimp ever) and Seaton Smith (who’s in the Staff Pick’s on Rooftop Comedy right now, thanks Twitter). Someone in there I also fit, I just wasn’t sure where but I’m looking forward to the whole shibangy-bang.

I’ve really had fun with the word “sammich” today. It’s just the really ignant (ignorant) way to say sandwich but I feel like it gets a bad and pitiful look as soon as it comes out of your mouth. I gave the same look to a co-worker when I heard “That’s an extra fiddy cent.” I was so disappointed in her, she knows better.

Hold me now, I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking… yeah, I listen to Creed. You gotta a problem with that? Hold me now…

Don’t you just love when a stereotype comes to life? (He takes a big bite of watermelon)

I look forward to seeing whoever is at Soundry tonight, Solly’s was a blast last night. But then again, anytime you get to see Ahmed dance it’s a good night. He’s a day older today, don’t let him forget it. Birthday licks… (applies his chapstick)

I have to cut my nails, I have a Freddy Kruegger thing going on right now. This afternoon I slipped into someone’s dream and forced them to watch Season 1 of Mind of Mencia until they jumped off a building. And now I’m off to buy Season 2, someone must pay…

I’ve been a twittering fool lately, I really need to work. To think I was so against it for a long time.

Well, since I’m all caught up with my work I’ll be able to write a good nonsensical story for tomorrow. For now…

Peaces

Whoa Friday, I said I'm your friend... not boy toy.

3 Chord Comedy, April 9th at 7! Eli Sairs, Me, Seaton Smith and maybe there will be punch and pie. For $4, it’s gonna be $9 funny, just c’mon!

I had a blast Wednesday night in the Hoff theater at UMD with Justin Cousson and Reggie Watts. It sucked that I had to leave early but I caught enough to hold my sides for awhile. It was a good a Wednesday as I could’ve hoped for, and I got a tape that shows a bunch of students booing me before I even walked onstage. All in good fun though, I loved it, plus they cheered at the end.

I’m excited about the chili cookoff, should be fun and I’ve always wanted to go but never got off my butt to buy a ticket. I did attempt to go last year but the tickets sold out before I tried to buy mine. But not this year, and anyone that wants to come please reach out, the more the merrier.

Yesterday I ate a Subway Chicken Bacon Ranch sandwich I got on Monday. I’m waiting for it to really kick in, but I know it’s going to make my day a nightmare. Pray for me…

Damn you Justin Timberlake, why is any song you’re on so addictive. No homo…

I saw a really funny guy from NY with a majestic beard at Solly’s on Saturday. His jokes stayed with me for a day or two but his beard haunts my dreams. I wish he would come back.

I went ice skating at an arena that was jam packed full of Asians last night. It was interesting and there were many comical falls, including by my partner who Superman’d the ice several times. One time I attempted to turn around but had too much momentum for a novice like myself and just kept going saying “OOOOOH!” while I had one leg in the air sailing along. Good times.

I really enjoy being back out, I’ve missed it all and everyone. Enough sap, I need to write two more jokes by Monday.

I have to step into a meeting to sleep publicly, but I’ll be seeing everyone around. Enjoy the weekend!

Peaces

Hmm, someone dropped frosty... nope, not frosting.

Well, here we are at the beginning of another week. We made it… where is Johnny? Dammit, he’s supposed to bring snacks for the vegetarians at the party next week! Why Lord, take Pete instead Lord, take Pete instead! Pete… could you give me some space for a minute? You’re smothering me man.

Something that keeps running through my mind is the sword happy mouse from Alice in Wonderland. He never hesitated to pull his sword even if someone just wanted to know what time it was. And, he stabbed quite a few people in that movie.

Most valuable lesson I learned this weekend? When someone is hurling a television, you want to catch it.

I’m just about done moving and I feel like I was fighting off a prisoner’s advances all weekend. I have got to get in the gym.

I’m getting excited about a show on Wednesday, pictures to come…

I got my passport in the mail on Saturday and now I have all of the pieces for my journey to Funnyfest in May. Tickets, check, passport, check, ass less chaps… double cheek check. Ugh!

Whenever a Redman song comes on my phone on shuffle, I want to start stomping around my floor and “woof”-ing at people. His music takes me back to a simpler time, a time without condoms or crime. That’s right; the 90’s.

I keep wanting to yell at people like a wizard. “You have been banished!” “Valhalla!” “Head due west until the sun touches the canyon!”

The new stuff that I was dying to tell last week has grown hands and feet. I don’t really know what that is supposed to mean but people laughed. I don’t know what a joke with hands and feet would look like but I picture it kicking someone’s door in and strangling them for no reason whatsoever. Because jokes kill, believe dat.

When you have a classy woman in the car and you’re faced with the choice of Lil Wayne or Frank Sinatra; I’ve found Sinatra is a better choice. I found that out with trial and error of course, nothing was said but the awkwardness was pretty tangible. Lessons for the future…

I saw Eli Sairs pick up a dying puppy and punt it towards a trash can, which he missed by the way. The dog was going to die, that’s not the issue, the issue is that Eli Sairs is a litterbug.

I bought a MX vs. ATV game yesterday on a whim because the cable guy wouldn’t make it to my new house until today. I think I need to practice will power because I played it for an hour before putting Tiger Woods 10 back into the XBOX.

And yeah, I ate at Chipotle again yesterday. Love knows no bounds, it only knows textures. Our love is like touching a Rice Krispy Treat, slightly sticky but delicious.

Is it inappropriate to tell someone at work that you feel they’re abandoning breast feeding too early? Yeah… I should keep my mouth shut.

Peaces

Whoomp, there... who stole my crabapples?!

Good day and Spamoni (Spam and Beefaroni, yep, it’s a greeting) to you all! Let’s get down to nothing, shall we?

I wrote three or four new jokes I’m so excited to tell it’s like a kid bottled a fart and would share it with anyone just to see how they react. We’ll see how they do later at Recessions.

LOST was so incredible last night I think I’ll watch that episode again when I get home. Who would’ve thought the island would be the cork keeping us from the Devil?! I love it!

Chris Evans is Captain America, most of us know him as the Human Torch from Fantastic Four. Why we know that I have no idea, no one really saw or like those movies but Jessica Alba tricked us into watching half of it… okay, the whole thing.

I would never be arrogant enough to assume that a person reading this, read my tweets so I’ll break down something I saw yesterday. I was in the bathroom and someone was dropping the deucer, I then saw their feet move like they got up and were turned around pissing. It was odd that they did that in that order but then I saw slight movement. After they had been standing there for the better part of a minute or so (now I was washing my hands but I was curious) I wandered if they were spanking the shank. I settled on the thought that they were milking the snake and judged them appropriately. Then as I’m getting ready to leave their identification badge flipped over and I saw the face of “the jacker.” Not only did I recognize him but now I’ll never be able to speak to him again. I do care to find out what really happened because I have my story. Besides, whatever story would explain what really happened cannot be something I want to hear: “Nah, I found a wart on my shaft and was trying to pinch it off…” Or something like that.

Cheesecakes are made with a lot of cream cheese. Which is probably why I don’t go out of my way to eat them. I hate cream cheese.

Nelson came home with a bag o’ goodies yesterday, praise be to the wolf. Of course, that cause me to eat a whole trough of macaroni and cheese which might explain why I feel a slight ache in my left arm… uh oh.

If you haven’t watched Black Dynamite by now I have no idea what you do for fun. Punt puppies?

Sometimes when I think of Big Pun writing the song "I’m not a playa I just crush a lot", it makes me laugh out loud. Good lord was he fat.

Great now I have Rockin’ Robin stuck in my head. Think of something Weezy…

I hate that the urge to pick up This Is It is slowly rising. I’m not that big a fan of MJ anymore but when I was a kid I was just like everyone else on the planet and loved the man. Sigh, I know what I have to do… homemade lobotomy, it’s the only way.

Alright, I’m getting ready to “work” plus somebody just started a Soul Train line because our boss is in a meeting all day. Bet they haven’t seen the Wop in awhile…

Peaces

Monday, how did you get this phone number?

Well, this weekend was interesting, but rather than get too deep into that I would prefer a blog of nonsense. I will try to mention some of the weekend’s best and most awkward moments just to keep the blog moving. Let it begin…

We now have health reform, yay, I still don’t know how this will help me or what it really entails. Every time that I attempt to educate myself I get so bored I smell the color brown. Or I’m pooing on myself from boredom… nah, I’m smelling the color brown.

My love affair with Chipotle is getting out of control. I crawled into bed with half a burrito yesterday and had a dream so crazy I dare not speak it allowed. When I woke up the bed and burrito were in ruin, thank good I took time to put a condom on though; I use the spicy red salsa.

Yesterday my friend Josh had a get together with some friends and family that was a “board game night.” I kind of thought he was joking, we’re not that old, but after being productive all morning why not waste the afternoon and eat free food? His sister introduced me to her new boyfriend, who seemed like a nice guy. 10 minutes into conversation I couldn’t help but notice the giant Confederate Flag on his forearm though. I was done conversation after that.

Last Thursday a little girl ran up on me with two of her friends while I was walking my dog. She asked if she could pet him, I grumbled “S-s-s-sure.” Then she asked if she could hold his leash, yet again “S-s-s-s-sure.” I asked her to please not let it go, because I didn’t want to run around trying to catch him. Then after they walked around me a couple of times, they took off. I looked around the corner I saw her run toward and saw no sign of either. I was pretty pissed, I stood there talking to my friend Jesse and cursing the fact that I didn’t pretend I couldn’t hear her when I had my headphones in. After a couple more minutes she returned with my dog, and had the balls to ask me if she could run around a little more with him. She got a stern “no.” Sometimes I really hate that just anyone can have kids.

Dear John Legend,

How long must we wait for you next album. People have died since your last one, does it seem fair to someone eagerly awaiting your next release that dies tomorrow? The movie 2012 and a slew of other apocalyptic movies have come out since you stopped giving us a reason to dance and make love. I’m listening to Trey Songz now, it’s an incredible album, but it’s only because you’re taking all this time to create. I know it’s all part of your genius but baby needs peas. Baby needs peas…

Life on the Discovery Channel in HD was too awesome for words last night. So, in memory of the Simpsons we’ll give it this word: KWYJIBO.

Well, Aside from moving it looks like there is one more show in March that I’m looking forward to, we’ll get to that later though it’s not quite here yet. Jaaam!

Tim (Miller) and I have been playing quite the game of tag with a tape from the Baltimore Comedy Factory when we were there last month. So far I brought the camcorder, he forgot the equipment to download it. Then he showed up with the laptop and I forgot the camera. Friday at Sabores we had our act together but I forgot that I needed to have a billion wires, an A/C adapter and tears from a sparrow to download that information. Then at the Arlington Grill on Saturday I forgot, I realize now that I’m writing this down, this is mostly my fault but the game continues. I’ll keep you posted on whether or not I receive a dead moose head in my bed due to my forgetful ways.

I have to get to Chipotle’s, yep, but I plan on doing more than one blog a week again. See you guys out and about this week, because getting out again makes me happy.

Peaces

Nebraska, the picture-less version...

Sabores tomorrow night, I’ll be wearing ass-less chaps so say “hello.” Don’t make it weird.

I’m going to stop being lazy and get some pics of Nebraska up on the blog thing before the week is out. I’ll just have a stream of photos the tells the tale of “don’t.” As in, don’t ever go there, because if you crave things like technology, any taste of black culture or Skittles you will find that Nebraska has none of these things. I kid, it wasn’t too bad, other than being completely flat and I actually meant that black culture comment. I went through every AM, FM1 and FM2 station searching for rap in my rental car. There was none, I almost $#!T a brick when I heard Forever Young come on a pop station (I don’t even like that song) just because it was Jay-Z. Later that night after performing, I was driving home and the DJ who was playing Tik Tok and I’m Awesome, apologized for playing new music. I questioned what he could be talking about, but then he elaborated that even though they received complaints they were going to play rap music because that is what is popular. They played Jay-Z one time, and I hate to count Timbaland’s Carryout as a rap song but I got that stuck in my head from hearing it a couple of times. This constitutes complaints, those people did not want any blackness in their lives.

My hotel:
I stayed at The _____ Inn, I will not say the name because I have no interest in driving away their business. I arrived late due to Chicago’s O’Hare airport, or as I’ve nicknamed them “Unprofessional, we just don’t care, but you’re stuck here already place.” Due to the two hour delay, side note: pony up for a non-stop flight kids, I had exactly twenty minutes to set my stuff down and run back out to the show I came for. I was given my key quickly and then I proceeded to my room. I opened the door and the first thing the light hit was a dirty sock… What the light hit next looked like a rape scene or a botched robbery. I stood there in the doorway for no more than three seconds with my mouth hanging open then the woman who handed me the key ran and closed the door. She told me that they hadn’t had time to clean it and needed twenty minutes. I didn’t have that kind of time so angry black man started to emerge. Not only were they sucking up time I didn’t have but I did not trust their skills in cleaning. While on the phone with a friend I drove past their hotel twice, which took me about 15 minutes to turn around from each time (yeah, I kinda contributed to being late there) because it was so nasty looking on the outside I completely ruled out the idea that I could be booked there. Sadly, when I decided (for the fun of it) to pull into the parking lot and have a wondering look, I saw the sign… I was staying there. While they began to clean the rape scene I paced in the lobby looking for an outlet to charge my phone which was at 4% power that I needed to get me through the next 12 hours at least. The woman who gave me the key and apologized for the nastiness asked me to sit about 7 times while I waited and then finally realized “maybe he’s frantic because he’s in a rush.” She gave me a different room, a handicapped person’s room. The fact that it was for designed for handicapped people wasn’t a huge issue for me, but there were several things I couldn’t help but notice. There was a light on in the back of this spacious room, I turned it off on my way out. When I returned at 3-something in the morning I hit the light switch at the door, nothing came on. It was blacker than the ace of spades (oh, I love good ol’ fashioned racism don’t you) in there so I held the door open and saw the light that was on before. Then, letting go of the door really fast, I ran to it before it shut and got light on. I tried the rest of the lights and they did not work, just that one, and this is how we treat the handicapped. The toilet was an obstacle to overcome but you’ll see why when I put up the picture. Upon stepping out of the shower, where the water hit me in the stomach because I wasn’t sitting down, I saw a dead centipede on the floor. I held me disgust since I was almost out of there by that point, but what killed that bug? Yes, in case you wondered, I slept with my clothes on and on top of the comforter. Enough of the room, let’s talk about the show…

This theatre was filled with someone of the loveliest, older white folks a young black man like myself could come across. I am not saying they were racist. With that said, let me describe a scenario: I take pride in the fact that in an area like that I was able to get a great reaction from the crowd when they hadn’t been the most vocal bunch prior to my set. I find it interesting that people can laugh at someone and then instantly start giving the look of “now go back to where you came from.” But I’m not bitter about that, I actually choose to focus on the fact that they laughed. I don’t plan on changing the world, racial intolerance will outlive roaches, but for a second there they might have let me shake their daughter’s hands. And isn’t that what life is all about.

I have I Just Can’t Wait To Be King stuck in my head, sorry.

I could talk forever about how bad O’Hare Airport was, but instead I’ll make mention of my little connecting flight to NE. This jet was like the SS Minnow and I was shocked that I didn’t see one piece of string or tape once on it. The guy next to me farted and I sat there and stewed in it for the better part of 30 minutes, what kind of Lima beans linger like that? Oh, and the pilot’s name was Jack Swagger… that tickles me.

Hopefully the great Canada adventure will be better and the pictures will be of a bunch of women that let me touch them instead of dead bugs in my bathroom. Only time will tell, but we’ve got another month before that week long adventure.

I got my clean fuel tags, that is all, I’m just really stoked about it.

Lastly, I saw a terrible accident happen involving four cars yesterday. They were less than five feet away at the time. It started with a woman that slammed on her brakes WAY too early which threw off the two people behind her and the third car didn’t seem like it got a chance to brake at all. Ms. “I brake too early” just pulled away and left the scene as I pretty sure whoever in the Corolla was in traction. All I could do was cover my mouth with that “Holy $#!T” look, same goes for the hot woman on the sidewalk on the other side of the accident. Then I kept it moving, meanwhile someone’s Wednesday afternoon had changed their life…

Peaces

Good-bye Richmond, I think you have my Coldplay CDs

A quickie is what I have to give today. Let’s roll through the highlights of the weekend:
Got to feature two of the four nights, loved every moment of that.

Kenny Smith, the coolest feature I’ve met, invited me to stay at the condo… I accepted.

Aisha Tyler was incredibly cool, I expected a much more serious woman, hooray for surprises.

I had not tasted cake on a stick (like a lollipop) and now that I have I know I’m a man.

I wrote some new jokes, yeah, that’s just a filler but you’ll like the next point.

BOOTLEG DVDs! The condo just had them lying about, you’ll find out which ones shortly.

After stumbling through the tall grass, Kenny and I watched Ninja Assassin, awesome movie that was not given it’s due. There wasn’t a lot of dialogue from the main character and the story was pretty weak but I just wanted to see some action. I believe they delivered on that beautifully.

I noticed Twilight: New Moon was sitting near the DVD player…

The next day Kenny and I went in search of grub, we found a Chipotle after driving past two and many other restaurants.

My burrito was too packed with rice so when I took a bite the back shot off and it became a tunnel for meat to fall onto my plate. While Kenny enjoyed his burrito as I’m accustomed to, like a normal person, I had my face on the plate scooping into my mouth like his homeless “little brother.” It was still a darn good burrito though.

We got back and watched Twilight: New Moon with the shades drawn. Not out of shame, but because I couldn’t soak in all that goodness with the glare going. I give it a B-, couldn’t done for more shirt on that Indian.

I’ve discovered that Red Bull is probably better than beer for me when I’m going on stage. Creativity 1, Alcoholism 54.

Nelson got his geek on with Aisha and her sister Feri. I believe that Feri walked away with the crown but Nelson has thrown himself into comic books since we got back just in case he runs into them again. He won’t, but if he did I think it would be funny if he still lost.

The last night at the condo was weird because a drunk person who shall remain nameless got really racist when he smoked “the pot.” Potheads are supposed to be happy people but he stalked up and down that condo making fun times into awkward sandwich. Then we watched Ninja Assassin again.

That’s the highlights, I may have omitted some things that would’ve taken forever to type but it was an awesome week. I’m going to try to blog again before the week is done. But there will be many pictures from the heart of Nebraska by Sunday (or Monday if I’m a lazy dick about it) so look out white people; TRich is comin!

Peaces

Hey, look at me, I'm doing stuff

And what a wild week it has been. I don’t know where to start so let’s just skip all of that and get to good ol’ fashioned non-sense. Let me just say that if you’re in Richmond, as some of yuns are, I’m hosting from Aisha Tyler at the Funnybone and Kenny Smith (awesome guy) is featuring all week (starting with our great show last night). Let there be funny…

I am settling into the Prius now, I’ve figured out how to maintain somewhere around MPGs without driving up the highway doing 20 MPH. Hi, I’m Tyler and I’m black… and green.

Is it weird that in these economically hard times I have had the best financial time of my life. I hate to think this may all end when the recession is “over.” Every time I hear that jobless claims have fallen I clutch my wallet like it’s the last time I’ll ever hold it. I made love to it last night just in case it’s not home when I get there.

My friend Jesse and I had an extremely geeky conversation that started with two men discussing Nicolas Cage and what happened to his career. Within two minutes it was two fan boys arguing (Jesse’s side) whether he was just incredible or (my side) any one could have done what he and Travolta did because the script was awesome. Ah, to be young.

Next week I plan on a picture adventure of Nebraska, I will go out of my way to take an uncomfortable pose with as many white elderly people as I possibly can. I don’t know; it’s just funny to me. (But Tyler, what’s a black guy doing in Nebraska? Is it safe for you there?) Well inner voice, I would rather wait and let the pictures tell my story. First week of May is Canada week: w00t!

I hate moving… that is all.

I ate enough Chipotle last week to feed a family of four. My only goal at this point is to make it to some level of recognition where I can work out a Jared/Subway relationship where I get free Chipotle all the time and I only have to give them my soul.

Is it weirder seeing a black guy going hard to Lil’ Wayne in a Prius or seeing a black guy in a Prius yelling and swearing at the top of his lungs at the dick in front of him? It’s been an interesting week.

Danger zone (like Top Gun/ Archer), sorry but if I don’t get them out of my system I’ll never have a real conversation with Aisha Tyler. “So, how old are you?” Danger Zone!

I have finally seen Black Dynamite and have to give it two guns up. Who knew Michael Jai White could be that funny? Classic.

Man I wish I could play the piano, but I’m way too lazy to learn. They need to make Piano Hero, I could pretend to soooo talented…

Sasquatch watchers: I don’t want you to feel under appreciated so as your Rat King I give to you (see below)

A true story...

Gather children, for the story you are about to hear is completely true. You might notice that I have removed names from last week’s blog that way I can share a story about this weekend completely free of guilt. Our story begins on Friday night during the last show of the evening…

The headliner wants to do a shot, everyone raises their glasses and “cheers” were all around. Then came time for the second shot, I do not know if it came from the staff or from one of the many black people that he joked with. You see, even though he made a lot of stereotype jokes the black people all loved him; all but Jerome (that’s not really his name, but I don’t know it and I wanted to give him one). After the second shot things got pretty bad, I’m sure we’ve all gotten a peek at someone too drunk onstage and seen what it can become: Slurred words, forgetting jokes mid-joke, disorientation and even moving from conversation with the crowd mid-sentence. I can’t say it wasn’t somewhat enjoyable to watch but still, we’ve seen this before (some have even been the drunk… this guy). At one point he pulled his pants down, to his shoes exposing tighty whiteys, and I decided to get up go pee then. When I came back it was business as usual, but what blew me away was I felt like the only one that knew he was drunk. No nervous eyes darting around, no one really whispering “This guy is drunk” or anything like that. Then, somewhere around the time he should have been coming off, Jerome snapped and had enough. I’m going to put this in quotes but I’m paraphrasing; “Man you suck, this is terrible and you gay as f***!” This comment was met with “What do you do for a living?” Jerome didn’t care to answer that question though, I can only assume it’s because no one paid to see him do his job that night. The more they shot back and forth, the more Jerome said “YOU GAY! And you not funny!” which only made the comic say gayer things. I believe his response to “I’ma stick this bottle up your ass!” was “Oh yeah, well sing to me while you do it.” Sadly, that did make me laugh, it still does. A little more back and forth and now things are getting really awkward. Suddenly the headliner gets really upset and tells Jerome he doesn’t like him and sticks two middle fingers high and screams “F*** you!” The crowd goes wild and I was shocked they were still with him but that was the most noise they had made in a half an hour. Then he says that it was a case of a black guy trying to intimidate the little white guy on stage but that wasn’t going to happen. At that point several of the black people that were in love with him looked in my direction; I shrugged my shoulders, I didn’t know him. I was getting that feeling like a fight might go down because neither had anything better to talk about and sure enough Jerome says “So you want to take this outside then?” The comic tells him “No I don’t want to fight, I’m gonna talk $#!T up here and probably go run to the Hyatt and hide.” I laughed, and so did the crowd, because though Jerome was not a big man he was winning the fight (physically) in everyone’s minds. I believe it was late so I’m not sure about this part; there was an attempt to move on by the headliner. If that happened it was only for a minute or less, but then things got worse. Drunken anger can strike pretty quickly and suddenly a penis came out, that is when Jerome threw a full bottle up onstage and the comic bolted out of there. I was sitting next to the stage as the lights went up and the comic raced past me. The crowd was not moving, so I went up and gave a little “thanks for coming out… uh, have a good night.” It was the most awkward experience I have witnessed yet, I’m sure there will be worse along the years but for now that takes the cake. I want to thank everyone that played a part in that funny memory I get to hold onto forever, from the person who bought the shot to whoever gave Jerome his Amstel Light.

Well, after that little diddy I think I shall work and do this blog thing again for real tomorrow. Daddy’s got a new card now so I should be getting around a lot more, at least enough that I don’t have to introduce myself to every comic when I see them. Tee hee.

Peaces

Everybody cries, and blogs

Well it’s been a long, somehow I deserved everything that came to me. Whenever bad things come my way I try to think of what could have possibly brought that negativity into my life. I’m deeply religious, despite what everyone who knows me seems to think. My mother taught me that you reap what you sow. The only thing I can think of is that I need to be a better person overall, because I’ve generally gone out of my way to let my actions show what my words do not. With that said, I’ll have a new car tomorrow and that means every excuse I had for not getting out enough to open mics will be gone. My grandma should come out of the hospital tomorrow provided doctors don’t decide she needs surgery, which is a relief because she’s my closest relative.

Well, I suppose I’m going to sulk some more so I’ll leave without whining too much but first let me leave you with a picture that tickles me…

Fun things to do in the snow:

1. Play the how long can you go without a shower game. Because who’s going to judge you right? I’m kidding, I rarely play that game.


2. Download The League Season 1 from iTunes for $7.99, damn that’s a sale!


3. (from Nelson in Virginia) Befriend a child in the neighborhood and get help removing your car from the huge bank of snow the plow drivers stacked behind your car. Once the child has worked for 5 hours give him a post-dated check. The best part was that the kid’s mom sent him back to get a check with the correct date on it, I couldn’t bring myself to answer the door so I laughed from seemingly nowhere.


4. Don’t watch Saw VI. It was bad, and that comes from a true fan of the other five. Sigh, thank God the next one is going to finish off the story. It was just it’s time, it was just it’s time.


5. F*** paying bills, buy candy. That’s a motto for snowy times.


6. Stuff your face with Pizza Rolls and wake from a mini pizza coma to play 6 solid hours of DJ Hero. Some lucky lady out there has all THIS to deal with.


7. While reaching from a remote, accidentally shard yourself. No further details, I’m just as shocked as you are.


8. Become so self-absorbed that you shun family’s cries for help. “I’m not driving to the airport to dig Grandma out of the snow. I told her not to go visit her dying brother. (CLICK)”


9. Watch the news, yeah, you heard me.


10. Meet the African people in the apartment next to you. Explain to them that despite the loud and offensive (and generally gay) screaming they might hear coming from your place, you’re actually just a nice guy.


11. Chicken, eat lots of chicken. Side note: I ate more Fruit by the Foot than I probably every have in my life within 72 hours.


12. Write jokes, why is this so far down on my list?! I did watch quite a bit of stand up for spiritual guidance.


13. Spend QT with your pet, even if it’s a chimp. Sometimes we take all that affection for granted, they can’t tell us they want to watch Parks and Recreation; we’re just supposed to know.


14. Do something productive. I managed to wish upon a falling star, I never take time out to do that.


15. Experiment with facial hair, for the last few days I was rocking the homeless adolescent. I had to shave when I returned to work this morning. Speaking of which, my employer hates us, why are we here? Thank goodness it’s all coming back in a few hours, jaaaam!


16. Eat a peanut and butter sandwich, Nelson ate several… because he’s a glutton, but also because they’re delicious.

Well, if we do get more than a foot of snow like we’re supposed to I promise to have made a new video for some snowy entertainment. For now, I suppose I have to get back to work.

It's blog lite- the free version!

Somehow a bunch of work grew legs and ran to my desk to die. I have to shovel all of this into the furnace on ground zero since it died in my space. Until we get a chance at a real blog tomorrow I figured why not do a smidgen of plugs:

Friday- Sabores

Feb. 10- Off the Wall has an open mic night? Apparently, I'm planning on wearing corduroy.

Feb. 18-20- Baltimore Comedy Factory (Paul Mercucio is headlining)

Mar. 3-7- Richmond FunnyBone (Aisha Tyler is headlining!)

Mar. 13- I'm in Nebraska, but why??? I'll tell once I'm there.

Mar. 26-27- Why on earth would I go to Atlanta? Hmmm.

Real blog dinner tomorrow, until then

Peaces

We've made it to another Friday; that calls for sexy party!

Not too much to say today, I'm happy with the week, hope you are too. Let this child's bad day remind us how fortunate we are. Until next time (unless, of course, you are a comic; I'll see you this freakend) I hope you remember to eat vitamins and help and old lady cross the street. Karma baby!

P.S.- Tomorrow will be a day adventure (Nelson and I generally sing our names like Harold & Kumar on these... one guess why) with Nelson, my friend Josh and I. We're going to Surfside 7 in Edgewater, MD to take on the 2 lb burger and claim a t-shirt. Believe that I'll post some pics of the meat fest (haha, that's sounds gay since it'll be three guys... maybe it will be gay) and if I claim victory I'm sure they'll be a pic of me with my head in the toilet or taking a meat siesta (haha, that's gay too). Til' next time...

Peaces

Someone didn't flush! And it got away!

Since I'm moving shortly (not away, not yet) here are my favorite apartment memories:

• Watching Nelson and Kevin randomly break into sword fights in the hallway. Real swords, real men… it’s always fun and games until someone loses a testicle.
• Discovering a door that leads to nowhere in my room after having lived there for over a year.
• While cleaning one day there were poo particles all over this rug that was under Max’s cage. I went on the balcony and and shook the rug one good time while talking to Nelson. As soon as the particles hit the wind we heard a man scream like he’d been stabbed. I quickly shut the door and we laughed for the better part of 15 minutes.
• My Mom came to visit one day while Kevin and I were in the middle of Rock Band. I’m not sure if it’s because we’re black or because she had no idea I was that skilled in something so nerdy, but her face was the look of “I have no son.”
• Trying to clean “my smoking pipe” I had the brilliant idea of microwaving it to warm things up. I did not consider that “black gold” would come spurting out instantly and the microwave would instantly smoke like an old freight train. Within 15 minutes I was running up and down the hallway trying not to let the fog of “smoke” settle since Kevin’s girlfriend was in his room and I didn’t want to alarm her. In the end, I had to boil that pipe and was an idiot for thinking that would work.
• Seeing Nelson answer the door for the first time with the full replica of the Final Fantasy VII sword. I think it is spelled Zwyhander, but I don’t care enough to Google that.
• When I accidentally put a Coke can in the freezer and left for comedy it exploded and covered everything in sticky goodness. I do not believe I was the one who cleaned it.
• I began putting pieces of nasty that were in the sink (because guys can be gross and let a week go by without doing dishes if there are still ones in the cupboards) in a Vitamin Water bottle. I call it my bottle of nasty and it’s been stewing for almost three years. I don’t own a gun but if you break in and give me time to formulate a plan I might blind you with my skunk bottle. Or at least severely irritate your facial skin.
• Finally trying Absinthe was a fun night. Maybe it was a couple of nights, who knows, that is a different kind of buzz than I’m used to.
• Chipotle’s, my love for it has slowly grown over the past couple of years. I think I’m ready for the next step, but she told me it has to be colorless grade-A princess cut. She’s worth every penny.
• I’m always tickled by the deer my grandfather gave me. Whether in a Santa hat adorned with Christmas tree lights, a big Russian hat or an American Flag bandanna with sunglasses; he’s awesome.
• I loved that we really haven’t had neighbors since we moved in. Every scream, video game taunt or horribly gay statement was unrecorded which really let us explore our imagination.
• In relation to that last one here are the top three quotes to come out of the apartment: 3rd place: Stop ruining my birthday, 2nd place: Boo Butta and in 1st place….. Quigibo.
  
  Well, I must get back to saving… I don’t save anything where I work. I’m gonna finish this Crunch bar though. I will do that. See you comics either tonight or tomorrow (or both, snap!)
  
  Peaces

Hamburger never helped me like this, it's a new car!

Well, let’s start this Boosday (get it, because Tuesdays suck) off with an image that Sean Paul gave me that tickled me all yesterday. Imagine you’re stuck in traffic on I-395 and right when you’re ready to scream from how bananiac our traffic can get you catch a glimpse of beast coming up on the shoulder. It’s a polar bear, just like the kind featured in The Golden Compass, meaning he is decked out in body armor. As he gallops toward your vehicle you notice that somebody is riding this polar bear… Sean Paul Ellis. He’s on the bear’s back and pointing a sword with tears in his eyes. “Where the hell is that maniac going? Why is he riding a bear? And WHY is he traveling faster than me on back of a bear?!” Ah, if I was an artist I would draw that, because that’s good stuff. Moving on to our regularly scheduled fun…

On Saturday a bunch of comedians witnessed some hot white girl knee her boyfriend in the balls outside the Drafthouse. Then he laughingly called him a p***y and told him she would kiss it and make it all better. There is no way he would’ve walked away that easy if he were the one kneeing her ovaries into her jacket pockets. Double standards, gotta love’em.

The Girl Scouts better get out on the streets and start moving that product. If I have to ask one more person about Tagalongs I’m gonna slap somebody. “But Mister, I’m not a girl scout.” (throws the money at the little girl) I don’t care, gimme those cookies, I’m tired of playing with you people. There’s nothing funny about treating a Girl Scout like a prostitute. But if she can’t move all that product I will snitch to her pimp and watch them smack her around. Girl Scout moms don’t play, it’s for a good cause.

After 2 PM I’ll be alone working in my section. I have to say I’m pretty pissed that everyone else found some reason to leave early and I’m the only one going for perfect attendance. Uh oh, I’m almost out of Haterade. That was so corny I hope someone cracked a smile.

Yesterday my supervisor gave me a piece of bread from another country. When she brought it to me I imagine the look on my face was like a child’s when you try to make them eat vegetables. “No, it’s yucky.”

Valentine’s Day is around the corner. I received a slightly dirty e-mail yesterday and it just reminds me how great it is that I don’t have to do $#!T for this phoney holiday. Viva la single life!

24 was purely Mantastic last night! May Jack Bauer drink the blood of his enemies and smoke the terrorism right off their meat for a BBQ. I don’t know what we will do on Mondays when Keifer calls it quits. Do we catch up on our Monday Night Raw?

My favorite part about wearing earbuds all the time is that you can tell I’m not open for conversation. While this does cause you not to hear big breasted women say “hello” in the morning, it also lets me listen to my Weezy in peace. It’s all about snackrifice.

If I were white I’d want my name to be Santa, because he’s my favorite white man. Asian, I’d go with Ling, because that tickles me. And if I were middle eastern I would go with Jesus, because he’s my favorite one.

I hate cheery people in the morning.

When is the last time you ate a marshmallow?

What happened to Big Johnson shirts? Is there some guy who’s whole shirt wardrobe went out of style in an instant back in 99’? I guess the same thing probably happened to the dude that always had the newest Fubu jersey when it came out.

Today I shaved. That is all, I’m just proud I’m a man.

I’m learning that he who finishes his work first is not rewarded. He just gets given more of his team’s work and gets a mention in a meeting. I’m working at a lot more of a medium pace now. Hooray.

That Bruce Willis/ Tracy Morgan movie Cop Out looks terrible. That’s probably because it’s a Kevin Smith movie. It hurts me not to see a Bruce Willis movie, but I’m sure the bored Sunday will come when it comes on HBO.

Got to get back to my medium pace now, I’ll be seeing you.

Peaces