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Friday, September 03, 2010

That's interesting, I thought Native Americans were extinct

I have been slightly busier than normal but that is no excuse for the lack of blogging, if Erin Jackson can do it than who am I to neglect this “thing?” Let it begin…

Snoopy, from Peanuts, is a whore. He exchanges sexual favors for money. Maybe next time that he dives out of a moving automobile because things jumped up a notch above what he’s comfortable with he’ll think twice. I want my money back Snoop.

I have a cut on my arm and have no idea where it came from. I like to imagine that I’m a sleep-burglar. Now where did I put all that money?

I’m going to start referring to my “nethers” in the most disturbingly large and unattractive ways to see how far you have to go to disgust a woman. “No way you can handle me… have you ever swallowed a phone?” “Meet my only child!” “Say hello to Dr. Chubby D*ck.” “Doctors thought I had a Siamese twin that never fully developed which is why I name him Darrell, touch his face!” “My d*ck has feet.”

I have really taken to calling someone a "sandwich maker." For those unfamiliar with my tweets, that would be when someone infuriates you to the point you grab a fist full of ham and shove it right up their chute. They just helped you make a sandwich; a man sandwich. I couldn't imagine doing that to a woman, but that thought tickles me too. Sammiches!

I need some feety pajamas but I fear that I will totally stop buying clothes to wear outside of work. Once it becomes dingy I’ll look like a kid that was kicked out of his house as a toddler and just stayed homeless.

Are we all excited to see Machete?! I’m saddened that Lindsay Lohan’s “nude scene” has me grinning but I do love boobs. Alba, Rodriguez (Michelle), Lohan and some random woman playing her mother that also gets naked… I’ve never spanked it in public before but jaaam!

Apparently right after I left Brittany’s last night a fight broke out and someone pulled a knife then the cops got called. When I was told my response was “ugh, I hate cops.” If weed were legal I don’t think I’d feel this way. Who has to die to make this possible.

Weedly-related, I find it funny that when Phillip said his joke about having the heart conditions that make it impossible for him to drink or smoke, cigarettes or other, Mariya chimed in “Oooh!” We “frequent flyers” are a compassionate people, God bless you, one and all.

iTunes 10 will introduce yet another social networking tool, PING. Now everyone can know what Tyler S. is listening to. And everyone will know how much Norah Jones I really listen to. It WAS my dirty little obsession before today.

In Chicago on Monday a little girl said “Mommy, here comes a black man. Grab your purse.” I had my headphones in but definitely heard her and treated it as though I hadn’t. But once it got out of her mouth her mother shouted “Melinda!” as though she just pulled out a samurai sword and started waving it. It tickled me in hindsight but I was pretty blown away at the time.

I’m going to start shooting really random short videos for a YouTube account that doesn’t have my name attached. The first one, “You Got Served.”

“Oh boy, this whole room smells like a queef. It’s time to vacuum.”

I saw on Punchline Magazine that a man was telling a joke for $.50, or something like that, on the street and making as much as $17 an hour. I wish I thought of it, I’m so tired of working a day job. If only I weren’t too cheap to play the lottery I could be a millionaire.

“Dude you look pregnant, like really bloated but you’re glowing.”

I’m really considering getting some laxative (“Ass Drano”) and spending the weekend doing what I love. Wake, bake, toilet, nap, toilet, bake, toilet, food, bake, toilet…

Well, I must be going, I think I’m going to sleep on my keyboard for the next two hours. Enjoy, be safe and bang someone you want.


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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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