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Just as good as a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Hello everyone, it’s a surprisingly happy Tyler signing in today. The birds are chirping, not really, and all that I can say is spring is in the air. You just want to text someone special to you: Boo Butter. Just to hear them giggle like a piglet. Ah, amore, to be young…

And now for the new word I’ve committed myself to: Boo Butter. And here are more than enough examples for everyone to understand: Butter is the new Ooo butter, meaning its You Butter. The very appeal of Boo Butter is that it’s seldom confused with Poo Butter… due to the smell. Nelson prefers Jew Butter, Atif likes Woo Butter and Sean Paul Ellis, well Sean Paul just likes Boo Butter. Smoo Butter…

I stopped there because I could do that $#!T all day. But no one wants that ingrained in their memory. Or do they… Boo Butter.

If you have yet to see Sean Paul’s fantastic blog, I recommend it. I laughed out loud like an insane patient threatening to throw $#!T when I saw it.

Yesterday I went to Subway. The Indian gentleman, who is actually really cool to me, seems to enjoy his country music. The song playing was country and started out by talking about how “He died on the cross”, only to jump into the chorus which specifically sang the tale of a solider at war. Don’t really see how those are related, really confused me. That was, until, a child ran past me and ran (I promise it’s true) straight into the wall near the bathroom. Like a blind dog. I laughed; his mother did not look at me as though we could ever be friends. The End.

Yesterday was a strange class moment. With the semester just about dead, we handed in our research papers and broke into groups to discuss photos from famous photographers. We came across two that made me laugh inappropriately. The first was “American Gothic” (don’t really care if that’s not supposed to be in quotes, it juts happened), I’m sure that a lot of you are familiar with the farmer and his stone cold fox of a wife/daughter who put on the Sunday bests cause it was picture time. Before the professor had finished explaining what we were going to discuss I laughed like somebody just started tickling Retarded Craig (the imaginary handicapped guy with a heart of gold, he likes Mars bars). Then we turned the page, “American Gothic” (yes, above) but this one is a black woman in the 1950s holding a broom and mop in front of an Amercian flag. I pictured her thinking "I bet I left the stove on..." Yet again, Retarded Craig had both hands in the air while Sean Paul tickled his ass into a seizure. Oh Sean Paul (that sounded gay in my mind), why do you kiss the girls and make them cry? Anyway, I’m getting off topic… ahem. When we did get in groups, my group picked a photo of a zoo in Memphis. A sign was outside the zoo saying that “NO WHITE PEOPLE WERE ALLOWED TODAY.” Naturally, white people see it and think “WTF” and black people assume the white people gave us a day a the zoo, plus you can see a few black people. The point being that everyone has a different point of view based on their experiences. I told the teacher that I imagined a giant mousetrap theory. They invited all those black people in as an elaborate joke. Once all the negroidians were in place they slammed the door shut and screamed April Fool’s. Then the zookeeper opened up all of the animals cages for a feast the likes of which is rarely seen on anything but cable. The next day all that could be found were teardrops and watermelon seeds, the janitor who cleaned up the mess whistled the theme to the Jeffersons. I believe I earned that “A.”

Chicken grease, that is all.

I’m out, but more wackiness (did you see what I just did, I gave myself an untrue credit, Boo Butter) tomorrow!


Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I make this look good...

Hello everybody, la di da di we likes to party we don’t cause trouble we don’t…
Random man: “Boo n#gga, shut up! This ain’t 1981, get you @ss offstage.”
Never mind…

Don’t you love spring time? Love is in the air and everyone is all twitterpated. I’m thinking about strapping my dog Max into his ejacu-bag (it’s a series of bags I used to put him in to stop him from humping my ex’s female Jack Russell) and letting him have a good ol’ time. Ah, to be young…

Guard: Halt who goes there?
Man: I am Death, here to claim your soul, Donald Trevaine. Don’t bother running, I am everywhere… and nowhere.
G: But I…
D: You have lived a life full of women, one man in your early twenties and swine. Come with me into the abyss so that you may frolic amongst the other tortured souls. Where toenails grow back as soon as they are agonizingly plucked from your feet. The maggots will line the very walls of your urethra. You testicles…
G: But I’m not Donald Trevaine.
D: Oh… well, where is he?
G: Hold on, (yelling down the hall) Hey Don, there’s someone looking for you. Says you just won a vacation… Look, he owes me like $200 from a long time ago… think you could get that off him during that whole plucking the toenails thing?
D: Perhaps, do you have PayPal? I just really hate coming all the way back here to give it to you. The traffic in the DC Metropolitan area is a fat man dragging his nuts through his shorts.
G: What’s that mean?
D: Traffic is nasty.
G: Ah-ha.
Donald: Here I am!
D: I am Death…

Thank God rain is on its way, all this terrible sunlight has the beast in hiding. Praise be to the wolf.

I would almost be down for LARP (Live Action Role-Playing, see the movie Role Models if you have no idea what I’m talking about) if it didn’t mean giving up sex with attractive women for the rest of my life. That’s a steep f’n price to pay.

Lots of traveling soon, pictures will follow.

Marvel Vs. Capcom 2 is on its way to XBOX Live Marketplace… and PSN. Lube up gentlemen, it’s gonna be sensual.

A new (fine) lady friend made a complaint that ended with “she’s white, so I know she can read…” Now I’m more determined than ever to get a picture with an illiterate white person (older than 3). I might even get her in the picture; something tells me she wouldn’t be opposed to random weirdness. She is, after all, attracted to me.

This year my birthday has been set up to suck. Not for me personally, but everyone chose it for craptacular things. Oh, you want examples: Relapse by Eminem (has to suck, no way he comes back like it’s 97’), Blackout 2 by Redman and Methodman (a little too late my friends, did you take advice from Eminem?!), The NOW CANCELLED Rebirth by Lil Wayne (I think we all heard Prom Queen, nuff said), the only good thing I know of that will come out on my B-Day is UFC Undisputed for XBOX 360… and PSN. All I really want is a ZJ.

When the hell is the new Broken Lizard movie coming out? They were filming that like 2 years ago. I want more Michael Clarke Duncan in comedies… he’s a genius.

Yesterday at lunch my friend Jessica pulled quite the fast one on me. She made me think she was offended by the fact that I find anything a midget does hilarious. After sitting awkwardly for a few seconds she says something like “I love midgets, especially if I could keep one as a pet.” Yep, the world is just as warped as I am, you just have to let people be comfortable. See what you can drag out of your parents.

I’m going to get some important things done, like sharpening my sword for the duel with the Chess Dragon… you heard me right.


Thursday, April 23, 2009

I wouldn't, unless you don't mind a lil o' the clap...

I hate these long absences; I don’t shower when we’re apart. I let the funk wash over me, and more importantly those around me, to let the world know I suffer. Soon will be together again and I will B.O. hug the world into tears. – Billiam Shakespeare, the early poems

“1, 2, 3, 4… Hold the cheer! Someone here needs an introduction to a douche bag, seriously. Eck!”

The show at Catholic University was… something else. Part of me likes to believe that the crowd was tricked into thinking there would be a mass or something, only to audience members in a comedy show. At one point in my set I asked “So what do you guys do for fun around here?” The answer I received: “Read the BIBLE.” I think that awkward moment speaks for the show, but we did our best. w00t

4:20 was… I’m sorry what was I talking about?

Calgary here I come… in 2010. FunnyFest whoo!

Allow me to take a second a drop some of what I’m going through on others. I don’t really think my experiences merit advice but if it helps someone down the road someday, right on. When trying to break into the college market you will undoubtedly become familiar with NACA. This is not the only means of college work, there is the APCA, but it is the “Sony.” Meaning household name, most people flock to it, when truthishly ( I love using that word) Samsung makes a better television. Anyway, when you’re considering making that move you will either buy a membership ($$$$) or try to find a college booking agency that already has a membership and pays for other things that could be a hassle. I’m sure to many, the sound of a booking agency makes sense, it did to me too. Last year I made a concentrated effort to e-mail and call just about any agency that I could look up. Only one came back to me with “You’re a funny guy.” Once the reality of submitting for showcases (they wanted a lot of money right then, didn’t smell right) kicked in, I decided to wait. Now I’ve jumped back into that plan, but I’ve been fortunate enough to speak seriously with more than one agency and weigh them against each other. Turns out that the person who wanted a lot of money from me… well, just wanted a lot of money. Something smelled wrong about the figure I heard from #1 the second #2 mentioned fees. I immediately knew that #1, despite being the only one who thought I showed potential a year ago, was a bit pricey. Then comes #3 yesterday and blew me away, almost nothing. I can only speak for myself, but that seemed to be a big sign of legitimacy. Anytime someone speaks of a lot of cost prior to speaking about me making money I feel like I’m trying to model for John Casablanca. I still have other factors to think of but wanted to make sure that people don’t just go with the first thing you hear because you’re really excited. That is enough of that; let us move on to tomfoolery…

Just thought I’d share because it tickled me, this is an account from a woman in class yesterday: I saw a homeless man chase a perfectly normal woman up and down the street twirling a bag with shoes in it. He started following her and then I watched them both pick up stride. She crossed streets, he followed, she screamed and he shrieked louder. The crazy thing is no one tried to help her. We all just stood there for a minute and watched them on Wisconsin Ave during a very busy time of the day. It made my day…

I told myself I’d never $#!T talk through a blog, again, but Sean Paul Ellis cries like a hermaphrodite. There I said it. I was talking to him on the phone an he stubbed his toe on something. First there were a lot of swear words strung together, in no way making a sentence. Then I hear what I mistook to be a sea lion receiving a hand job. After listening and smirking for a few minutes I heard his wife come over and console him. At some point the words “Sponge Bob Square Pants Band-Aid” were used. I’m not judging you Sean… but you’re a weird guy.

Is there anything crazier than when you finish all of your work early and they give you more work. What happened to the days when they sent you home early to show everyone else it’s a competition? Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they’re here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday…

Great, now I have Amerika’s Most Wanted by 2pac and Snoop Dogg stuck in my head.

Yesterday was one of the few times that I’ve just given up on trying to make eye contact with a woman during conversation. This woman’s shirt was so open, and “the girls” were sitting up like it was a competition for the better boob. I just quit about two minutes in. I’m going to be somebody’s father.

Traffic was, as usual, an old man whose nuts accidentally fell out of his swim trunks. By that I mean it was nasty.

Am I alone here, or does everyone else not give a f about tortured terrorists? We have got to get some better news. Somebody invent something.

And now for the obligatory “Dance up all over yourself at your desk” minute of rhythm… Mmm mmm mmm.

What’s better than one pornographic website? Seriously, I don’t know but I have to find another hobby. Did you know there is such a thing as too much of a good thing? Weird.

I will get back to shanty town, or as I like to call it “my daydreams.” Live well and don’t feed that hoe.


Friday, April 17, 2009

It was way to juicy in there to be rape your honor...

Sleep is by far the biggest tease in the whole wide world. What I wouldn’t give to just drop on the cubicle where I’ve been sitting without worrying someone would come wake me. I felt the same way yesterday and didn’t get my bearings until 4 O’ Clock . Here goes one more day.

In the middle of conversations at work, my newest favorite is to yell louder than necessary “OH, you mean when you bought that big bag of bad crack?!” I’m as subtle as a samurai sword running along the seam of a scrotum. That really doesn’t mean anything but, the imagery of it, I was practically running along the seam myself. Moving on…

Right now it’s 8:48 AM (ET) and I am officially partying like a rock star… drinking Rock Star energy drank (that’s right, not drink, drank). Reminds me of being hit on by jean clad hookers in Atlantic City. “Hey, you boys like to party like a rock star?” They had on jeans and tennis shoes. Their prostitute card should be revoked for some $#!T like that. You’re giving the hard working, run in heels, pee on the sidewalk, $12 ZJ women of the night a bad name. In tennis shoes…

Instead of calling a woman “the C word” I find it funnier to call them a street hooker… in my mind… because I’m a coward.

Hot Broth was fun last night, lots of name and faces I did not know with familiarity sprinkled. Jake borrowed the ol’ iPod for a minute to play intros. I was really crossing my fingers for It’s Raining Men by the Weather Girls. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it on my death bed, “That song is hilarious to me, and I don’t see why we gave it to the gays in the first place.” I’m gonna go out, I’m gonna let myself get ABSOLUTELY SOAKIN WEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!! That tickles me.

Today I’m wearing a white polo and white shoes. I hate that fashion rules say people can’t wear white until after Memorial Day. That doesn’t even make any sense, why not go with Flag Day? Or Cinco de Mayo? Or the anniversary of Peanuts creator Charles Schultz’s death?! I wear what I want. It pisses me off that I even know that rule, like blue and black don’t match. I blind man came up with that rule. Black matches everything, don’t you read?

I watched Making the Band 4 last night, with so many crying @ss men last week I couldn’t say no. Unfortunately, there were no tears to be seen. Just horrible television magically thrown together by the most diabolical puppet master… Diddy. Give us back G-Dep!

I met a great woman at a party not to long ago. I was having fun and the next day it sank in that I should have gotten her number. I assumed that since she said she knew someone, I should have no problem tracking her down. I waited and waited and finally asked about her yesterday. As of right now, no one has heard of her… I worry that she was an optical illusion. Could I be surrounded by so many scandalous women that I had to imagine one that I could take out and not order an Extra Value Meal? Oh to be single in the 21st century.

The song Black Betty is highly underrated. Sometimes you don’t have to say anything to move people. Look at Ozzy Osbourne.

This energy drink tastes like I’m licking someone’s eyebrow… after they went down on a peach. That’s right, oral sexing a peach and then some juices got on the eyebrow. Then I break into the bedroom this is going on in and walk towards the man. I look at the peach, and then look at him, judging neither or them for their lust. I lean in like I have a secret and taste the eyebrow for sustenance. Then I cock back the hammer on my Desert Eagle and blow the man, and the peach, straight to hell where all the fruit sex they could ever have awaits. It waits right at the bell of Satan’s d*ck… fruit fornicators.

I don’t think I miss being a kid due to lack of responsibility. I think I just miss people giving a $#!T about you, every kid is special to their parents and teachers. Strangers would even help you out, but once you’re old enough to fend on you own you could be homeless and 19… you’re grown. I gotta stop jerkin it, I’m getting way too sentimental.

Atif Meyers left an open mic to jerk it. Tell anyone and everyone, sully his good name.

Bad news for any of us that find peeing at others hilarious. A man was sentenced to three weeks in jail because he stood up and peed on a woman during a flight to Hawaii. There was no argument between them prior, she was just watching the in flight movie and “Boosh.” I only wish I had thought of it first… I hope they rape him as little as possible during initiation.

I’ve finally broken a life long habit of saying God Bless you while one particular woman sneezes. I have a bit about a Muslim friend that never say it to, that bit came from this woman at work. She is Muslim and never, not f*cking once, has said thank you. She sneezes all day long so this is something that I kick myself for at least 3 or 4 times a day. But now, she could drop dead and I wouldn’t stop typing. I honestly don’t know if it’s because she’s pretending not to hear me, or if it’s a difference in our religions and she just won’t say it. Next sneeze the proper response will be “I hope you swallow you’re tongue.” Thank you.

I was surprised to see there was a competition at the Comedy Spot coming up, put on by Chris Hayes. What really shocked me was the number of comedians involved… 60. Yes, there are that many people currently dreaming the same thing for their future that we are, right now. Naturally, I looked through every name, didn’t spot mine. But, before I got all sensitive I noticed that there were a lot of names, really funny people who I did not spot. For once, I didn’t grab a stranger and give them a Stone Cold Stunner (mmmm), ya growns up and ya growns up. I remember how I’ve felt every other year when I submitted for the DC Comedy Fest and didn’t see my name. But this year I will not know that feeling again, “you can’t change the world, but you can change yours.”

Tomorrow night, a show that will take your socks off before blowing a load all over your feet… yep. Catholic University, around 7-ish, here is the lineup: Will Hessler, Jermaine Fowler, Tyler Richardson, Jake Young, Hampton Yount and John McBride. Strap on something sexy and come join, won’t you?

I’m going to split, I have a meeting shortly and I need to rest eyes on someone’s chest for a while. If only I could pull that off… sigh.


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Free dong rides, inquire inside after Sunday School

Another day with that I’ve forgotten my cell phone at home… sigh. What am I supposed to do if an emergency happens? Blow the rape whistle my grandmother gave to me on my 23rd birthday?! Though it has saved me hide more than I care to mention, what about bears? What about gremlins and aliens, or even an asteroid. How the hell am I supposed to destroy an asteroid on a set course to collide with Earth without my BlackBerry? Sigh, it’s another sad DVDuesday.

Actually, even though I forgot my phone I’m feeling good because its raining outside and gloomy. I’ve always had good fortune on days like this so maybe that’s why I get so psyched up about rainy days. Other people have wonderful sunny days, well, f*ck the sun. I’ve already had one good e-mail that surprised me (I won the f’n lottery, not really) and that’s one more than most days offer. Bring on my elephant that can balance a stick while standing on a ball. What, if I were king that’s all I would want to see. Oh, and a woman with three breasts… tee hee.

I’m excited about our show at Catholic University on Saturday, I wish I could give the entire line-up but here is who I know to be there: Will Hessler, Jake Young and who the f*ck is Tyler Richardson? Oh well, he’ll be there too. That’s all I know, sorry if I left someone out but I’m looking forward to it either way.

And yes, for those that haven't seen that picture already, that is Lil Wayne kissing Baby (Birdman)... I'm still a fan but damn.

I had a dream last night about eating ice cream… yep, that’s how you first start walking down the road to fatdom. I’ve taken a lot of pictures of my face lately, so if I get fat I can still be sexy for my wife. My wife will get ready for the usual Wednesday night “boogey” when she hears “Dear, we’re going to try something new…” What? She’ll ask… “Well, I thought a little role play. I’m going to be the man you married tonight!” (I come out in a plastic mask of myself sucking my gut in to mimic the abs of my 20’s. Blaring behind me is my son holding a boom box playing It’s raining men by the weather girls. Right around the part where they say “I’m going to go out, I’m gonna let myself get, ABSOLUTELY SOAKING WET!!!!” I start pouring hot butter on the crack of my wife’s behind. Then I excuse my son, cause it’s Mr. Nasty time, and make sweet passionate unprotected baby no. 2. His name… Brockula Quagmire Richardson. Yes, long live me.

I bought a new pair of loafers last week. When I wore them last Friday my left foot was killing me. It made me wish I tried things on more, but I hate it so I won’t. This morning while changing from my slippers to dress shoes in the car I noticed I’d overlooked something. There was still a cardboard piece lining the shoe I would never have seen without sticking my head in there. My foot feels a lot better now. You’re welcome.

The hardest part of diarrhea is constantly excusing yourself from the table whenever someone makes you laugh. So I’ve heard.

In some cultures, being invited to have breakfast (or any meal) at the Waffle House is considered a polite offer. For future record, if I ever invite you to the Waffle House, know that you or someone very close to you have or will die. I would bring the body into the back and tell everyone it’s your birthday. When all the “staff” (its in quotation marks because the word staff tickles me… staff) comes to sing to you I’ll stand up “And your mother just had to be here…” (A box is slid in front of you) What’s in the box isn’t as important as the look on your face when you see. Picture seeing nothing but ears in a box after someone just said that. Morbid, but still tickles me, I know I’m strange. Next…

24 was OFF THE HINGES last night! I haven’t rooted and screamed at a television since momma put on Soul Plane at Thanksgiving a couple years back (I didn’t really scream but she and my grandmother honestly thought it would be a good movie. They robbed me of 2 hours of my life that I can never have back).

I would love to begin answering every question at work with “I look too good to ____.” The only reason I don’t is because I don’t want someone to give me too much truth and hurt my feelings. I’m just a big squishy teddy bear, soft and emotional. But packin’ D*CK.

My lips are chapped, I’m off to go check out young mothers (can’t anyone make it to 30 without having kids) who frequent… the building. (What takes me 15 minutes will take you two seconds because this isn’t in real time)

Jermaine, I read that comment from yesterday and Mercedes is an (attractive) old friend. I doubt she wants the chode, but if so I’ll need to put on more cologne. I leak sulfur around pretty women.

Eli, I will be at hot broth Thursday. I hope that I see you there. I’ll the anti-social black guy in the corner. Probably hugged up on Kyle Martin or some random woman that been separated from her cubs… yeah, you heard me.

Mmmm, ranch dressing with celery and carrots. Oh, that Trix rabbit doesn’t know what he’s missing. What sick bastard would give a rabbit cereal? That’s why you don’t feed animals people food, now he’s a smackhead for Trix cereal.

It’s stupid, but I laughed this morning after thinking to myself “Wow, it’s raining bullfrogs and foreskin out here.” You’re welcome.

Alright, I’m going to actually get some work done now.


Monday, April 13, 2009

Easter dinner and the gay blind date...

I went to an interesting party of Friday night, what caught me off guard was that no one mentioned it would be completely filled with middle-eastern ethnicity. Which is no problem for me, but just imagine walking into a party and realizing everyone present is a werewolf. We don’t know whether or not werewolves would harm us without reason so take no offense if you enjoyed Slumdog Millionaire as much as the rest of the world. My point just being it’s a bit of a shock walking in and being surrounded. I’m not a fan of walking into all white places either though, I’m equal opportunity afraid. Best story of the night has to go to the loose woman with a gigantic star. Apparently she was in a couple with a friendly man who I’d found myself listening to. He says that shortly after they broke up she had a huge crush on some guy not giving her the time of day. The guy was a break-dancer, so she figured she might impress him with dance moves. Well… she pulled something crazy out and broke her arm. Worst part is that there was a pre med student there when it happened, he starts pulling on her arm in gross jerks trying to get it “back in the socket.” When people saw her later, after her hospital visit that next day, she had a great big scar running down the bicep. The guy she tried to impress did not give sympathy bone-age either. That’s what she gets for chasing a dream folks. She needed to settle for this very real “meat right here. Stop reaching for the stars all the time ladies, real men live on earth…

Nelson and I went to Wal-Mart on Saturday to get some random crap. The lady is front of us brought one thousand items to the only open Self Checkout lane available. I went to stand in another line where I felt we might leave before the sun set. My line won the race and I motioned him to get in my spot, I didn’t want anything from Wal-Mart (right then). When he took the spot a woman behind him started talking to the cashier… talking $#!T. I was trying to eavesdrop much, but she was so loud I felt like she was challenging me. I heard several words that made me eventually speak, these words: RUDE, JUST DON’T CARE ABOUT OTHERS, THAT’S HOW PEOPLE GET STABBED, BLACK SON OF A B*TCH (she didn’t actually say that, she was black, but “That’s how people get stabbed” was enough). I turned and said “Really Ma’am, you wanna be nasty and get into this right before Easter Sunday?” She laughed and said “Oh, I wasn’t talking to you dear, HE just cut right in front of me without saying anything and I was saying that was rude. I saw you signal over to him though, he shouldn’t be so in his own world cause that could cause some people to snap on him.” I was satisfied with the fact that she wasn’t talking about me. Nelson still wasn’t really paying attention cause though she was talking about him like he wasn’t there, he was never more than six inches away from her. Plus he was “kissing the sky” at the time… oh, to be young.

I downloaded a bunch of new songs yesterday. Most notably were Eminem’s We Made You- that song is one of the worst I’ve ever heard, 16 year old Tyler is crying for his old idol. WTF happened to you Eminem? Second was a plethora of Etta James songs… what of it? And, as Nelson found out yesterday, I remembered how much It’s Raining Men makes me laugh. Good times.

I have a regular move for avoiding people’s looks while using the bathroom in “the open.” I pretend to be tying my shoe and let it hang… that’s all the detail I’ll disgust you with. On Friday night I’m pretty sure people caught me. Which lead to a weird stand up and run away while someone called who was meeting me. I quickly ran into their car from the parking area and got the f out of there. Urinating, publicly anyway, used to be easier when I was a baby and people thought it was cute.

Which leads us to a very weird Easter dinner… I think my grandmother may have been trying to set me up on a gay date, that or she just wanted to warn me we would be dining with a homosexual. While describing what we would have for dinner she went into way too much detail about a friend of the family that was coming over. It kinda gave me a weird feeling, cause it reminded me of how you prepare a friend for a blind date. I asked her on the phone “Why do I care about this guest of yours, you’re giving me a lot of details aren’t you? Is he gay or something?” She replied that she was just making sure I would be social since I generally don’t speak to strangers (I don’t, what can I say, I just hate meeting new people). I relaxed and moved on with my day. Once there we ate a lot, we go downstairs so the family can watch Taken, guess who comes to dinner? A young gay man. Perhaps granny was right, because due to how that whole phone call went then he IS gay… I went upstairs until the movie was over. I blame granny more than him, all my mom could do was laugh at the uncomfortable silence that had befallen the basement. Yep, that was how my night went. How was yours?

I’m off next Tuesday, why? Because Monday 04/20/2009 could be an exciting day! I hear that Conway Twitty may come to Virginia and sign autographs. Not really, but I’m going to enjoy the day anyway.

If it’s been more than 10 years since you’ve heard Return to Innocence, go back and listen to what Enya gave to the early 90’s. Class, she gave it class.

Dragonball: Evolution made less than 5 million dollars last weekend. Meaning you could do a good amount of stretching while looking for a seat this weekend. It’s good, this was the only way that nerds like myself can communicate with movie studios like FOX. Don’t go see the movie, don’t even rent it. Make them earn it, I’m not going to tell you where to download it, but that weak $#!T Nelson is watching it that way. Boo Dragonball: Evolution, boo.

Gotta snuggle up to some knowledge real quick but I’ll be back tomorrow.


Friday, April 10, 2009

Get in the Hyundai Cheryl, I'm not playin wit you!

Yesterday was quite a Thursday, it heads all the great things you love about Tuesday but Friday’s ass. Maybe Wednesday’s… nah.

How much do you have to be away for people that you never really ran into like that to call you on it? Kyle Martin, bless his blue-eyed soul, even said something to me last night around the lines of “… and wherever you just came back from.” I dig it though, it was lovely to see a bunch of the familiar faces last night at Hot Broth. Jumped on first, I didn’t suck too much, and the next time Ahmed (a newer comic for those like myself) meets me the intro will be less awkward. It went something like “I don’t know who (the f@ck) this next guy is… ummm… black as the day is long… here’s Tyler Richardson.” Okay, now to be fair I may have added everything after ummm, but it tickles me. However, what was touching was how hard all of the comics (in the crowd when the show started, not the “too goods” conversing outside… oh, that felt good) got when Ahmed mentioned Eli was the featured comedian of the night. I took me back to standing outside of the Laughing Lizard in the summer of 07’. I met a young man with locks of golden honey that seemed relatively new to the scene, because he was. He had a shimmer in his eye and actually looked me in the eyes while we spoke instead of my penises. Well, now “ya growns up and ya growns up Eli” I makes a crippled kid walk every time someone gives the man his props. Help the differently abled children and show Eli some love. It just reminded me of how we all pick some people to look at and say “I’d like to be a comic like that in our area.” I picked Erin Jackson a long time ago, and she still gives advice when I ask it. Even though she’s incredibly busy and going to be famous in about 10 minutes. I think Eli would be the same way.

When did it become cool no to think Dane Cook is funny? I feel left out on that one, because he still makes me laugh (NOT his movies). Then again, one of my favorite stand up DVDs is Jamie Foxx: I might need security… Jermaine loves to laugh at me for that one.

I’ve been eating a lot of Kit Kat bars during work the past couple of weeks. I don’t know what that means but I feel sexier. Could they be related? Hmmm… “Eat a Kit Kat bar because they soak the drawls.” Nah, I think they’re just delicious.

Oh… no… you… didn’t.

Had a negroidian flashback downstairs a few minutes ago. I forgot I was in the work place and my friend Jeff spots me and screams “Wut up!” I screamed back “Ha, I see you!” My friend Jessica instantly pointed out our volume was very “hood”, who knew I could be so ghetto? In crispy new loafers no less, it’s casual Friday…

On the day a handicapped child truly solves for Π the world will implode. The wolfen bible does not specify what handicap this rule is limited to. Someone stop Stephen Hawking, he’s too bright!

Once I made it home last night I was able to catch an episode of Making the Band 4… OMG (no homo). What part of “You’re on national television” did these pretty boy thugs not understand (at this point if you merely glanced at the pic above, give it another looksey... looking real teary eyed ain't he). When the first light-skinned man started to let tears fall from his eyes (saying he wept doesn’t do it justice) I became bothered. When the next one started to cry while speaking to the already b*tchmade @ss thug letting tears from his eyeballs, I became silly with laughter. Boo Diddy, boo Puffy, n*gga just “boo.” No homo…

Does anyone actually care about the Captain being held hostage by the shabbiest looking pirates I've ever seen? Or am I just an @sshole for asking? Either way, Captain Hook would make those Africans walk the plank. Pirates... pffft.

I’ll keep this thang short today (oh God, the slang is taking over me) and say have a great weekend. Hope to bump into some of you and I wish us all protected “relations.”


Thursday, April 09, 2009

Working with Barry White

(This is to be read as though Barry White were speaking to you)
Hello everybody, we are coming to you from the middle of somewhere and as usual we’re completely bucked naked. Sit back, relax at your desk and pour a fine glass of good scotch. Ignore what your co-workers say, especially their looks, and go ahead take your shoes off. Poot as you please, let everyone know that not only are you comfortable in the work place, they aren’t comfortable enough. Give the boss a hug right before they begin to reprimand you. Are they gone yet? You should have put just enough grind in that hug to be unsettling without being sexual harassment. Getting fired is no joke in these economically hard times. Besides, if you get fired how are you going to afford all of that cream and ointment I recommend later with no job. You’re going to pay for those jellies and lubricants with the electricity money? Damn, you know that’s irresponsible don’t you? Whatever, I guess that’s what Thursdays were made for right? Turn your phone ringer on. Then set your phone to your favorite ring tone. Got it? Alright, now make sure the ringer is as loud as possible. It should be on the setting where the manufacturer takes away the ability for the phone to jiggle. It’s that loud baby. Call your self. That’s right, I said call yourself and let your co-workers hear your favorite song. If you have a friend in the office that has that ring tone when they call you let them know. Are they pleased with your song choice for them? They probably aren’t. But whatever muthaf*ka, the Pussycat Dolls aren’t for everybody. Ya dig? Go ahead and call again just to show everybody how you dance boo. Yeah… yeah… I’m bringing SexyBack…Sorry, that Justin Timberlake gets my d*ck hard ya’ll. Alright, you’ve worked up a sweat, and it’s only 10 O’ Clock in the morning. S#!T I don’t get paid enough to sweat like this. Where were we? Oh yeah, make a personal call. When they answer scream “All up on yo daytime minutes and there ain’t $#!T you can do about it!” Then hang the f up on that bama. That was fun wasn’t it? Yeah baby, now Harlem Shake in your seat for 15 seconds, no more no less. Think about lunch for a second… mmm mmm mmm, chili. No… you… didn’t. Now you’ve done it, you’ve ruined the rest of the morning by thinking of something so good you can’t work. Grab a snack and go to the bathroom to take your mind off it. Eatydoo, that’s what I call it when I shove in food while I make poo butter. A $#!T joke, yeah. Practice BrickBreaker on your Blackberry, people will think you’re important because they can hear the Blackberry hard at work while you eatydoo. “He must be important, he can’t even take a $#!T without working.” No I’m not, I’m just trying to break this record baby. I gotta make it past the 17th level before this phone is 2 years old. Try to get a stranger to take over for you to beat a level while you eatydoo. Pass the phone under the stall. Did they take it from your poo drenched hand? Probably not, right? B*tchmade, that’s alright we’ll beat it ourselves, f*ck’em. Wipe. Go on now, wipe. Yeah, now let’s get back to work… in spirit. If you got a cigarette, smoke that $#!T. Go on, yeah. Oh… no… you… didn’t. Damn, that feels good don’t it? Yeah. Alright now, follow the groove I just laid down for you until quitting time. If you still have a job tomorrow, I just clued you in on how casual business can be. Yeah, business casual, Mmm. And buns, “ No I didn’t”, yes I did. Oh baby.

I just felt like getting a little silly today. Peaces. Oh, and the Fowlest had his Live at Gotham auditions last night. Cross the fingertips for him ya’ll.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009


It’s another DVDuesday and here we are, shoeless and in love. And yes, that picture of Foghorn Leghorn is WAY too big. But it tickles me...

I made a new friend in an important place, that was the good news that beamed out of me like a porn star’s first money shot. With that said, I was very emotional (gay, I know) for a day or two. I watched Rocky Balboa and kept repeating that speech he gave to his son over and over again. “It ain’t about how much you get hit, but how many hits you can take and keep getting up and moving forward.” – Rocky

Life is incredible if you really look around, let’s take the Fowlest, who now has an audition for Live at Gotham tomorrow night (wish him laughs, he doesn’t need luck). When he left here he didn’t even have a permanent place to live. Now he’s being managed by Eddie Murphy’s old manager and seems to be receiving help from Paradigm. If you would have told him all that was in his future two years ago when we met he would have $#!T a brick. But he’s earned it now, so while it’s still mind blowing, now he can smile because he’s already walked down that road.

I’ve come down from my “high” last week (I guess even lottery winners eventually let it all sink in) and started looking optimistically towards the future. I’ve actually been writing a couple of jokes a day since last Wednesday and that’s more than I’ve written in a long time. That alone makes me happy, but like everyone else I’m anxious to see how they are received. I’ve started dreaming about comedy again, like back when I started. I was watching Comedian again yesterday and just watching Orny Adams is inspiring. Love him or hate him, he had wall to wall jokes for any occasion and was determined. He had the same insecurities that anyone I’ve had a serious conversation with has spoken about but said them to the camera. When he ran into Seinfeld early on in the movie they share a chat where Jerry eases some of his insecurities. I’ve never really understood exactly what Jerry was talking about with his story of the Norman Rockwell painting until yesterday. I’m sure you’ve all seen it and understood by this point, but finally paying attention and hearing that does kind of make you smile. We all have a bond that no one else can ever really relate to unless they’ve chased this beast for a little while. Like people that had been in Vietnam, the war, not on vacation. Since I was old enough to understand what Jerry did on the show Seinfeld (by that I mean you rarely saw him work because he traveled a lot, but he never wanted for money and seemed to live a perfect life) that’s really all I’ve wanted. We all have some realistic version of how our dream life would be… what’s yours?

Yesterday Nelson and I saw several Hispanic men stealing a Cherry Blossom tree in my neighborhood. Some sad $#!T…

I discovered a new love this weekend while celebrating, 30 ROCK! I bought season 1 thinking it might entertain me, I love some Alec Baldwin (He’s a Baldwin damnit!) but found out so much more. And, I’m now addicted to watching Tina Fey, does it get any finer? Next thing I knew I’d reached the end of season 1… off to grab season 2. I’m hooked and glad that it took me until now to find out. Season 3 shouldn’t be too far off…

This beautiful Spanish (woman) tricked me into buying two shirts that totaled more than I care to mention. Let’s just say I could’ve bought a video game and like looking at my account balance a whole lot more. Damn you Ralph Lauren.

Snickers are now selling a King Size as two snack sized bars. Even if it’s the same amount of candy, I feel cheating seeing them separated like that. Snickers what happened to us? There were days I thought I could never go without you. I used to feel like I’d lose my mind if I didn’t have you in my mouth by the end of the day… “no homo.”

I will give one American dollar, via PayPal, to the person who can tell me what movie or show had some big black guy answer a question involving his name with “@SS popper.” It’s always cracked me up and I’m anxious to see whatever that movie was again.

Yesterday was a night of Strawberry Wine, and seduction. I passed out extremely early from it and had dreams of chasing Tina Fey. Oddly enough, it was not your average semen soaked nightmare… “Oh God, I hope he’s joking.”

Okay I’m off to enjoy the day and what not. Wouldn’t be surprised if you bumped into an awkward looking black fellow with a ____ blank of the Gods. (hint: wenis)


Thursday, April 02, 2009

Sir, there's a bag of crack by your feet... gonna smoke that?

And… we’re back. Yesterday was one of the best days of my life and as much as I want to say why, I have a phone conversation to have before I go jinxing myself. I’ll have more to say on that tomorrow (or whenever I blog next, but if it goes my I’ll definitely get back on that tomorrow!)

On Monday I was haunted by what someone once told me “… no wonder women are all over you at work, you can see your d*ck in those pants!” I questioned if only I could see them while I was in the bathroom getting ready to leave work. I walked out of the bathroom and a couple of women called me over for random conversation. After two sentences I saw one looking directly into “the sun.” Then, and I’m not making it up, they both burst into laughter and walked away leaving me standing there feeling awkward and pretty unprofessional. I’m not wearing tight pants people, I’m just blessed. My gift, my curse…

Is Men in Black 3 really a good idea Sony? I can only hope a resounding “NO!” wakes me from my sleep soon. (And yes, it is in production)

It tickles me that at some point a man in a room full of executives said “I have a great idea, I think the next big movie this year will be… Tank Girl.” The fact that he walked out of the room without being beaten to death leaves me puzzled, but it tickles me to death.

As cool as most people seem to find Twitter, I refuse to believe that someone cares or want to read my every action. I’ll be that last guy who fought getting a cell phone until the Motorola RAZR came out… for free.

I’ve been giving random strangers (women) compliments and seeing how that goes. I’ll report back once the first slice of strange has been seized and mounted. thundercats… thunderCATS… THUNDERCATS… HO!!!

I’ve been waiting for my T-Mobile contract to run out in June so I can finally join the beautiful people who carry iPhones. Now, I might have to wait a little longer because Apple is certain to put out a 32GB iPhone. So help me father, why do you play these games?

My new favorite Adult Swim show is Delocated. If you have not seen it, I suggest you go check it out: http://www.adultswim.com/

Justin Timberlake (or JT to the gayer fans out there) says he will not make an album anytime soon… My heart is broken Justin, yet another Chris Tucker artist that captures my heart and urinates right into the valve. That is what I like about Lil Wayne, you can’t get enough of this man. Everyday it seems he has a new song you can find on YouTube or a mixtape somewhere. And I’m sure Tha Carter IV will be out by the summer’s end. Appreciate the fans that made you filthy rich, we’re why you can afford to bang Jessica Biel on a beige Tiger’s back Justin! I’ll miss you…

Because my roommate Kevin came home (cause he basically does not live with us) I was unable to watch LOST last night. I’ve become quite the fan and have to avoid all conversations and any media revolving around the show. All so that we could watch UFC WHATEVERTHEF*CKTHATREALITYSHOWISCALLED… blarg.

Nelson and I heard a song the other night that had about 50 consecutive seconds of censorship. LOL. Do they realize that whatever that rapper said has now done nothing but stoked the fires of my curiosity? I was blown away that someone could speak that long and not sneak a couple of words together that were deemed appropriate. That must be the dirtiest monologue known to man. It must have an effect worse than the brown noise. That’s right, a South Park reference. I’ll post the video once I ever see that song again.

Show the Fowlest some love ya’ll, he’s on the blog roll…

Eh, all this KFC I’ve ingested over the past 48 hours has not been kind to me… poop. Nelson hates that I love poop humor so much. Eat that Sean Paul Ellis, another POOP joke. Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm, just like momma used to make.

How uninteresting is life? On Saturday night I had a dream that two friends and I rode around looking for a bank that I could cash in my change at… yep.

I’m eating a Kit Kat bar. Get jealous, uh oh, someone wants one… I’ll chew with my mouth open to avoid sharing. There, she looked away.

I’ve decided to go ahead and do a website (a good one), and with all the great sites (I particularly like Weems’) I think mine would be best animated. We’ll see if it works as well onscreen as it does in my mind.

Okay, I’m gonna let this baby marinate and hopefully I’ll have great news tomorrow. If I don’t, maybe God will deliver me some Kielbasa straight from the Costco-Clause (like Santa, not as funny now that I’ve explained it… damn) to make me feel better. Here’s looking towards tomorrow.


About Me

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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