I'm telling you, Starburst don't have a poop flavor; you should stop eating that.

I’m as hard as a brick, I kid, I just wanted to get your attention. Now that I have it let’s jump into this pool of random shall we? Ah ah, take off those band-aids. If one of the children get hold of those they’ll try to eat scabbing out of the gauzy part. Now then…

Rick Ross haunts my nightmares like Freddy Krueger, the only difference is that Rick Ross isn’t there to kill me. Generally he just stumbles around my dreams looking for a woman named cheeseburger. I hope he finds her so he can get the hell out of there and I can get back to my dreams of world domination. Maybe I should go to sleep with a cheeseburger clenched in between my thighs and I’ll take it with me to my dream world. Yeah!

I’m seeing someone right now that makes me very happy, the ultimate test for me of how much we have in common will be when she is forced to watch one of the adult cartoons I hold dearest. If she laughs at Frisky Dingo then I might have to make her a sammich right then… and I don’t make anyone sammiches.

Everyone is coughing and hacking like they’ve caught the bubonic plague. All I have to defend against them is a bottle of Instant Hand Sanitizer. If this were a video game I would charge someone when they coughed and squirt this crap down their throat. They would fizzle and turn into coins and I would collect them until I got to the castle where my princess is being held captive. Instead I’m sitting here reapplying more and more every time I hear a scary whooping cough. Good times…

I saw Brandon Warbell stab a homeless man that asked him for change on Saturday night. Don’t let that get back to him, I’d prefer to live through 2010. Don’t be fooled by his innocent face, he keeps a butterfly knife in his pocket, I’ve seen it.

Every Friday should end with Sean Paul Ellis and his lovely wife Kim. They’re so happy I swear they can’t be real… come to think of it I’ve never seen either one of them in front of a mirror. Dracula!

It’s a Chipotle day! (also known as a weekday) I’m going to send Ahmed a picture with me eating it that way if he’s eating a stalk of celery or something he can sigh and know I’m having a blast. Yaaaam!

Kanye West, what the hell happened to you? Please just make a true follow up to Late Registration. We miss you

I had a blast at the Velvet Lounge on Friday! Eli was incredible (someone choked to death during his set, Andy was phenomenal (the fans just grabbed him and forced him to crowd surf) then Seaton came and set the place on fire (literally, I’m pretty sure the police are looking for him). It was awesome and I was thrilled to have been there to check IDs with the bouncer.

Peaces

Hello Thursday, you didn't come home last night. I waited...

Merry Thursday everyone! Last night at Soundry’s was fun, I got to eye hump some picture of a bubble butted woman. Jaaam!

The joke writing machine continues, I have never written so many in such little time… I feel like every other comic now! I wish I had thought of something new tonight but perhaps it will come to me between now and 7 O’ Clock. Something to do with hyena meat, the clock is ticking.

The iPhone will finally be able to multi-task. Uh oh, the floor beneath me is coming apart, AH! OMG:
TRich: Who is that? What’s going on?
Dark figure: I’m here to claim what is rightfully mine.
T: What does that have to do with me? OH NO, are you…
Both: Satan!
S: Come with me, you begged for multi-tasking and whined like every other Apple fan boy. Well you have what you crave, now I want your soul.
T: What happened to my wish for a million dollars when I was eight years old?
S: I can’t grant every wish that is thrown out into the universe.
T: Well a lot of other people asked for the same thing. Why aren’t you coming for them?
S: Because someone has to be made into an example!
T: What about Nelson or Sean Paul Ellis? They would both use this ability a lot more and probably wanted it a lot more.
S: Hmm… well, I guess; NO! I won’t be swayed or bargained with. Now get in the sack!
T: You don’t have a car or an elevator? Jesus.
Jesus: Yes my son.
T: Look, I may have exaggerated and sold my soul for Apple to allow the iPhone to have multi-tasking. But you know me, I go overboard quite a bit.
J: You will always be my child, and when your times comes to leave this planet you will come with me not him.
S: FINE! Hey kid, give me those guy’s addresses you mentioned before.
T: Gotta pen?
S: No, I was hoping you did.
T: Then f*** off. Hey Jesus, can I have a peek at Heaven?
J: Sure, hop in the sack.
T: I guess no one has a car or an elevator…
J: You can wait for your look at Heaven, maybe when you get here you won’t be such a smug jerk.
T: That wasn’t very nice.
J: Sorry, I missed LOST the other night and I’ve been taking it out on everyone.
T: Me too, no worries J man, we’ll both see it eventually.
J: Peaces TRich.
T: Peaces Jesus. Hey Satan…
S: Yeah.
T: F*** off, what are you still doing here?
S: I really hate you.
T: Back at ya Satan, back at ya.

I had way too big a grin writing that, thank goodness no one at work peeked over my shoulder to see. How could they treat me like a normal individual after finding out how truly strange I am? But the trick is to embrace it, never run from it.

I’m leaving work now so I’ll see whoever is out at Hot Broth tonight and tomorrow at 3 Chord Comedy at 7 PM! Just do it!

Peaces

I wouldn't, unless you don't mind a lil o' the clap...

I hate these long absences; I don’t shower when we’re apart. I let the funk wash over me, and more importantly those around me, to let the world know I suffer. Soon will be together again and I will B.O. hug the world into tears. – Billiam Shakespeare, the early poems

“1, 2, 3, 4… Hold the cheer! Someone here needs an introduction to a douche bag, seriously. Eck!”

The show at Catholic University was… something else. Part of me likes to believe that the crowd was tricked into thinking there would be a mass or something, only to audience members in a comedy show. At one point in my set I asked “So what do you guys do for fun around here?” The answer I received: “Read the BIBLE.” I think that awkward moment speaks for the show, but we did our best. w00t

4:20 was… I’m sorry what was I talking about?

Calgary here I come… in 2010. FunnyFest whoo!

Allow me to take a second a drop some of what I’m going through on others. I don’t really think my experiences merit advice but if it helps someone down the road someday, right on. When trying to break into the college market you will undoubtedly become familiar with NACA. This is not the only means of college work, there is the APCA, but it is the “Sony.” Meaning household name, most people flock to it, when truthishly ( I love using that word) Samsung makes a better television. Anyway, when you’re considering making that move you will either buy a membership ($$$$) or try to find a college booking agency that already has a membership and pays for other things that could be a hassle. I’m sure to many, the sound of a booking agency makes sense, it did to me too. Last year I made a concentrated effort to e-mail and call just about any agency that I could look up. Only one came back to me with “You’re a funny guy.” Once the reality of submitting for showcases (they wanted a lot of money right then, didn’t smell right) kicked in, I decided to wait. Now I’ve jumped back into that plan, but I’ve been fortunate enough to speak seriously with more than one agency and weigh them against each other. Turns out that the person who wanted a lot of money from me… well, just wanted a lot of money. Something smelled wrong about the figure I heard from #1 the second #2 mentioned fees. I immediately knew that #1, despite being the only one who thought I showed potential a year ago, was a bit pricey. Then comes #3 yesterday and blew me away, almost nothing. I can only speak for myself, but that seemed to be a big sign of legitimacy. Anytime someone speaks of a lot of cost prior to speaking about me making money I feel like I’m trying to model for John Casablanca. I still have other factors to think of but wanted to make sure that people don’t just go with the first thing you hear because you’re really excited. That is enough of that; let us move on to tomfoolery…

Just thought I’d share because it tickled me, this is an account from a woman in class yesterday: I saw a homeless man chase a perfectly normal woman up and down the street twirling a bag with shoes in it. He started following her and then I watched them both pick up stride. She crossed streets, he followed, she screamed and he shrieked louder. The crazy thing is no one tried to help her. We all just stood there for a minute and watched them on Wisconsin Ave during a very busy time of the day. It made my day…

I told myself I’d never $#!T talk through a blog, again, but Sean Paul Ellis cries like a hermaphrodite. There I said it. I was talking to him on the phone an he stubbed his toe on something. First there were a lot of swear words strung together, in no way making a sentence. Then I hear what I mistook to be a sea lion receiving a hand job. After listening and smirking for a few minutes I heard his wife come over and console him. At some point the words “Sponge Bob Square Pants Band-Aid” were used. I’m not judging you Sean… but you’re a weird guy.

Is there anything crazier than when you finish all of your work early and they give you more work. What happened to the days when they sent you home early to show everyone else it’s a competition? Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they’re here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday…

Great, now I have Amerika’s Most Wanted by 2pac and Snoop Dogg stuck in my head.

Yesterday was one of the few times that I’ve just given up on trying to make eye contact with a woman during conversation. This woman’s shirt was so open, and “the girls” were sitting up like it was a competition for the better boob. I just quit about two minutes in. I’m going to be somebody’s father.

Traffic was, as usual, an old man whose nuts accidentally fell out of his swim trunks. By that I mean it was nasty.

Am I alone here, or does everyone else not give a f about tortured terrorists? We have got to get some better news. Somebody invent something.

And now for the obligatory “Dance up all over yourself at your desk” minute of rhythm… Mmm mmm mmm.

What’s better than one pornographic website? Seriously, I don’t know but I have to find another hobby. Did you know there is such a thing as too much of a good thing? Weird.

I will get back to shanty town, or as I like to call it “my daydreams.” Live well and don’t feed that hoe.

Peaces