I got you Chipotle's, now take your shirt off.

When I arrived, on time might I add (I’m black and common sense tells us that is an accomplishment), my desk was weighed down by the smell of food someone brought in. Naturally, I assumed it was someone’s cultural dish and was a little upset at the gall. After some sleuthing I discovered that it was vegetables. Someone must have rubbed those veggies on a hobo’s happy trail because they almost made my friend Jessica yak. Sigh, Wednesdays…

Hope everyone that celebrated a holiday had a great one. Here we are on the eve of Kwanzaa’s conclusion and I feel all tingly inside. By the way, my supervisor is on maternity leave and there are a bunch of Christmas presents on her desk waiting. Did I mention that she is Muslim? At what point did everyone just disassociate Christmas with Christianity? Are there really people out there that believe the holiday is simply about giving and receiving presents? Every time someone gives a Christmas present to someone who isn’t Christian an angel loses their wings; true story.

The thought of a knight riding on a horse while the knight is on fire makes me laugh. I’m a simpleton.

I haven’t written a joke in a raccoon’s age. Just need more focus I guess. Thank goodness Nelson brought home a big bag of focus from the focus dealer yesterday. I’m going to focus hard right into the new year.

“Dancing is for queers.” – Stoney Rockfeet

I think a lot of women might actually believe that saying things like “hi” and waving at men are innocent. Men believe that any woman that pays you attention, whether it’s to say hello or even if she just uses an LOL or ;) that she is attracted to them. It’s the law, if you don’t wanna do me, act like I don’t exist.

I hope gets to be with someone they care for on New Year’s Eve, if not maybe life will land you in front of someone with potential soon.

He takes a sip of Cherry Coke, then he thumbs the zipper. Nobody’s the wiser…

GUCCI! (sorry, I’m listening to his album and got caught up in it) BURRRR!

I’m glad that the Nautica emblem on my sweater is small. Otherwise it’d be like when I wore bobos (cheap tennis shoes) to school in middle school. Not a good time for a materialistic young man. Ah, to be young.

Slapping people should be legal because it’s a victimless crime. Yeah, you heard me.

Where the h is Anthony Hamilton? You give us a magical CD and disappear for half a decade like Maxwell? Don’t be that performer, be like Lil Wayne, give us a song every 24 hours.

Well sir, I’ve got to be going to Chipotle now, duty-McCall!

Peaces

That snow knocked my clothes clean off... condom too.

Brittany Murphy is dead. I really hope that Little Black Book isn’t movie they still show in hell. No one should have to be hounded for an autograph in the afterlife. R.I.P.

I’m staring at Chinese food on my desk and wondering exactly what animal is sitting in this container. I just hope it isn’t a Unicorn. That meat will kill you, only the elves eat them and survive. Yep, I read a lot of fairy tales.

Right now I’ll bet Al Pacino is shaking someone’s hand. I wish they’d follow that man with a camera. Sometimes I just think to myself “It’s 3:13 PM, I wonder what Pacino is up to.” I can’t be alone on that one.

There was a time when I was a slave to Snickers bars like I am to the ALMIGHTY Chipotle. I’m glad to see that I’m eating healthier. All that nougat was murder on my extra soft Charmin rolls…

Just found out a new prospect is younger than I thought. Blarg! Still very legal, just not as old as I prefer.

People abandoned their vehicles in the snow over the weekend all over my neighborhood. It was actually pretty funny. I had a good two hour adventure walking down the street to the Wal-Mart and carrying a plethora of snacks and a 24 pack of Budweiser (they were out of Miller Lite, I’m still a one woman man) up the street. It started with a walk to the closest grocery store, the lights were on but no one was home, seriously. Then Nelson and I walked over to peek in the Exxon, no lights and no Arabs to work the shop. We were blessed to see people walking with bags and then followed, it was a lot like a post-apocalyptic movie. That night I ate an entire bag of Funyuns. I’m a hippie, what can I say.

Young Money’s album We Are Young Money is pretty decent. Better than Dedication 3 (a Lil Wayne mixtape where all of the members were thrown on EVERY song) and I went in with pretty low expectations.

Another note about that album, if I ever have the chance to offer Nicki Minaj a sacrifice I will. I don’t care if it’s got to be human, that lady could have my first born child. I’ll just get another one, I saw a store called Babies R’ Us.

Testicles, that is all. – Peter Griffin

This blog has unofficially become the hot spot for people looking up information on Sasquatch. I’m kinda tickled by that, but it would be nice if they were searching from funny every once and awhile and stumbled on these scrawlings I call comedy.

I have on a lime green shirt today. I realize I look like a chode, but women look at me with hungry eyes when I wear it so I do. Love me!

This Chinese food is definitely Unicorn.

So that no one uses it; the word “Oriental” is inappropriate now. Just wanted to save some awkward stares if I could. I had to find out the hard way.

Going to lunch now-ish, uncork that wine you all keep at your desks and give a big swig for the gipper.

Peaces

This doesn't smell or taste like cheese but I already ate half...

Madness comes in many forms. This morning it appeared to me as a Spanish man driving next to me in traffic. His stare was straight out of a Hitchcock movie and he helped mold my day. Paranoia is a mutha…

Tonight, I’m off to the “Scene” for jokes and stuff. I have no idea who will be there, whether there will be an audience or if I should shave. One thing I’m hoping for is a hug from Santa when I arrive. “Oh my sweet d*ck, Santa! What the F are you doing in D.C. right before Christmas? Shouldn’t you be preparing for the ride? Oh shiggity, you brought me that flesh light I’d been looking at. I always believed in you man.”

Fine women; slowly I’m noticing the more I listen the less fine they become. Could my grandpa have been right about finding an ugly woman with money and finding happiness? I’m starting to lean my erection towards “yes.”

Eminem has two new singles for the Relapse 2. Both are okay but still not like his old stuff. I wish he would start taking drugs again. You can tell he’s sober now, I miss my youth.

Something seems unhealthy about listening to John Legend and watching someone eat food from their homeland. I keep having this urge to pelt them with a stone. I guess I’m just old fashioned, like 10 B.C.

Gay guy just caught me doing a booty scratch. Maybe now he’ll think I have something and I don’t have to avoid eye contact whenever I’m in his radius. My rape-dar goes bananas when I get too close to that guy, he’s a fiend.

I gotta go to the gym, my shirt feels heavy.

The more I hear people talk about New Year’s Day and plans, the happier I am to be alone. I don’t know why I despise everything people are okay with, but spending a lot of money to go out like I would any other day seems crazy to me. Cocaine crazy, but I’m sure I’ll find myself on some kind of an adventure that night. Lord, let there be some strange at the end of that tunnel for me.

Dear wolf,

On the off chance Jesus was too busy to catch my last request, hook dat shiggity up! Holla at ya boi. I’m kidding, I know how much you despise slang. Seriously though, strange… make that happen. Kisses.

What I got by Sublime, now that $#!T always make me smile.

I want Chipotle’s but am going to fight this craving because… actually I don’t know why. Peer pressure to avoid my only love I guess. Why can’t everyone just be happy that I fell in love? Why do they have to shoot down my joy because they don’t have a food of their own? Stay tuned, tomorrow I’ll premiere the sex tape between myself and a big ass Chipotle burrito. “It was stuffed full of meat and chee(se) until I stuffed it full of me…”

Dear Kanye West,

I was just listening to your first album earlier. What the F happened between then and now? I’m not even talking about your behavior either. You were talented and fresh, now you’re just Kanye West. Come back and make a follow-up to Late Registration like you should’ve done three years ago. Thanks, signed by a former fan.

Did anyone know thaw WPGC is owned by CBS? I just find that interesting.

Haven’t written a new joke in 30 hours, something is wrong. There’s a disturbance in the force… (he stands up and unsheathes a light saber. Running into the distance, he disposes of several acquaintances before diving out a window)

Well, I’m back from Wendy’s (because that’s why I jumped out the window) and now I must do some work.

Peaces

You can't dance like that here; because you don't have pants on.

And here we are fresh off the weekend. There were a lot of new comics at the drafthouse on Saturday night. It was nice, so was the crowd, if you missed it then you missed everyone busting out into the Macarena. There was pie and punch…

I’m a writing machine (please pronounce that like you are Argentinian) lately, perhaps its all this Christmas spirit going around? Maybe it’s all of this recreational “yogurt” I’ve been enjoying. Whatever it is, I hope it has a Christmas gift for me. I’m thinking I’d really like a whole troth of Chitterlings. If you’ve never seen Boomerang, just go.

I bought a Snuggie for a White Elephant Christmas party on Friday. The Snuggie was supposed to be for me, I don’t care what people say, I want one darn it. But, since the only design they had was a leopard print (think cougar walking through a seedy bar) I decided some lucky girl could have it. Still felt judged when I put it on the counter for the cashier. To make my purchase more masculine, I added a pack of Stride gum. Mmm, now that’s manly.

I saw some of Robin Williams new comedy special. Who am I to talk about a legend? So we’re going to end this right there; “I saw it.”

Women are pretty predictable. It’s a time of year that people like surrounding themselves with friends, family and loved ones. So at times like Christmas, Valentine’s Day and birthdays they come out of hibernation and sift through the men they haven’t spoken to in awhile. Suddenly the phone is ringing and old names pop up in our phones. Sigh, the mother of my children is out there somewhere, I hope she’s reading a bible right now…

Uh oh, when is the last time you heard Feel So Good by Ma$e? Thank you iPhone, you knew just what I need to dance my way downstairs and get some grub.

I finally have the entire series of Seinfeld, my favorite show ever followed closely by Curb Your Enthusiasm. I started getting them about 4 years ago and slowly (even though I meant to get them all when they came out) I’ve finished something I started. It feels, phenomenal.

I have a new superstition. If I am incredibly silly before I go onstage things seem to go better. I’ll continue testing out this theory and report back with further findings. If I bomb I’ll have to come up with something else. Dear Wolf, please…

Quote of last Week: “Hey, that lady can walk! She’s a walker” I saw a woman coming out of CostCo on a rascal. She was swinging her legs and then seemed to be about to get up and walk into a van. Luckily she turned and laughed while most people were alarmed that I started yelling in a crowded place. It didn’t occur to me until we got to the car that she might have been slightly disabled and needed the rascal. But, like I said, she laughed.

Call me Mr. Jetson, I can drive you spacey. I guess it’s worked better with the Flintstones. Point taken Young Money/Cash Money Records, point taken.

Someone told me that they should be a part of my act last week. They’ve never seen me perform, for all they know I’m a mime. I should invite them along someday and show them why you don’t invite yourself places.

I’ve given miming onstage some thought in the past but what happens if people are against me from the start? Why does everyone hate mimes so much? They just want to make people happy at a low volume.

Old man is going to Switzerland, heavens why?

Am I the only person so excited for Avatar’s release on Friday that I can’t stop having nightmares?

Alright, well I’m going to get some good ol’ fashioned work done now. That’s right, I’m picking cotton today. Relax, they’re paying me to do it, they’ve learned that slavery was wrong.

Peaces

My eyes are up here sir.

My weekend was very fun, and filled with suspense… not really. As always I enjoyed myself in Baltimore and felt the sting of its lack of Chipotle’s. If its there somewhere I’ll find it, or die trying. Marc Simmons was very cool, as was Larry XL who allowed me to get a lot of my comic book/ movie thoughts out there and into someone’s ears. Highlights would have to be the snow, boobs and most importantly, I got to make a difference in some child’s life. That’s right, I gave him his first jacking. I took everything but his pubic peach fuzz. Remember me always little man, or I’ll find you.

Somehow I always find myself in a debate over whether rape is funny or not. It’s generally agreed that women do not find it funny, even though there are probably a lot more men getting “all they can handle” than women at some point in time. Men will generally laugh at a rape joke if a woman isn’t around. With that said, isn’t there some couple that may have started out that way and ended up in the throws of passion? Kinda like the Watchmen and how the Comedian was kinda forgiven when he got to have consensual relations the second go round. The first time was pretty rape-ish. “You’re honor, I could’ve sworn one of those screams was a pleasant one… but I guess I was wrong.”

Dear John Legend,

I think you’ve made us wait through enough R&B artists’ albums, we would like another helping please. Don’t make me find you. You da man.


I’ve been listening to Gucci Mane’s album for the past two days straight. Sadly, it’s still funny to me to hear him say his name, or “Burrrrr!” I don’t even know what that means. Oh well, “GUCCI!”

This gay guy with the Mohawk has got to get another job or a promotion. He gives off such a vibe it changes the room temperature to negative 30 below. I mean that, he frightens me.

Apparently iTunes has a free Christmas CD with 20 tracks. If I could find it I would tell you the name of it. But now you get to go sleuthing for the answer. Good luck detectives (the answer is below)…

It feels like I should still be in bed wooing Winona Rider right now. What? While the rest of the world has forgotten her, I’ll swoop in and grab a primo sugar mama. Plus in my dreams she transforms into a hydra with faces of Hollywood’s hottest starlets right before I explode. Mmm, I’m still tired.

It’s almost Christmas. All year I wait for this time of year and once it’s here life seems way too busy to really sit back and enjoy it. I suppose since I’m not a child anymore things will only get busier during the holidays. Still the best time of the year though, wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I think I may stop smoking (cigarettes) soon, my doctor told me when I’m serious to come by and she would give me some drug that will stop me. From then on, when I’m bored I’m going to sing a song. It’s not a perfect plan, but it’s all I’ve got.

Why are social networking tools bad? Because when people see that someone “follows” (twitter) someone else but not them, it makes them do petty things. Not proud of it, but I just unfollowed someone for that very reason. Why am I looking at who they follow? I couldn’t even explain that one if I wanted to. Why unfollow them? Because, when they look at their number of followers I don’t want them to see my number included in their grand total. Sometimes you have to stand up and say “you’re a bad friend and I wouldn’t share kiwi fruit with you no matter how much you begged.” Yep, I’m childish and happy that way.

Is there anything more annoying than having to say “Good Morning!” to the same 40 people everyday. Didn’t we just do this yesterday? Let me die slowly in peace.

Wow, someone is in a good mood today, just look at the negativity of the last couple of rants. Let’s say something positive.

It makes me smile when I think of a big tittied woman giving me a big ol’ hug and pressing them against me. Except if it’s my mom; because that’s just terrible.

GUCCI

My sister is 13, would it be wrong to give her birth control pills for Christmas? I would put them in a time capsule but by now she might be the freakiest 8th grader that ever lived. Maybe I’ll just throw hot grits on her and scar her face. Then no one will want to plant their seed in her. I’m a good brother.

I know less than 5 women that do not have children. WTF happened to the world.

Okay, I’m going to Subway to get this lunch monster lulled to sleep. Hope to see many out at Hot Broth tonight.

Peaces

Look out Mofo, Iron Man's got a brotha!

Living good and HIV free it's Thursday and that means everybody went commando. Because there is nothing like a breezy Thursday. Just in case you're wondering, the new Iron Man 2 teaser poster is on the bottom. Switching it up today, jaaaam!

I'll be making giggles come to life, murderous life, at the Baltimore Comedy Factory tonight through Saturday. Larry XL (who is always nice to me when we meet) will be featuring and Mark Simmons will be headlining. May the women be clean, the beer chilled and the audience as silly as watching Nelson dance for 14 hours in the ass less chaps marathon of 2005. Did that marathon of a man dancing with his ass out really happen Tyler? Definitely, and you better believe it was silly... and then I turned the hose on him when I'd had my fill of laughter. Whore.

I discovered Steven Segal: Lawman yesterday. What more do you need to say about that? It was just as weird as you would've hoped. Stares off into nowhere, corny slang for the black youths of Louisiana that he's arresting and most importantly the hair. He is quick and a damn good shot, but c'mon, who's taking him seriously? All I want to see him do is get into hand to hand combat, but people use guns pretty exclusively these days so that's out. I think I'd rather see him put on a Gi and go around trying to fight crime. But since this is all I have, I will watch him deal out the law.

The woman waiting in front of me at a Japanese food place (I know, it would have sounded better if I knew the name) came running up to the cashier and screamed "Where the f*** is my food at?!" It made me laugh and I immediately started tweeting while laughing in front of her. I tweeted it the other day, but it makes me laugh so there.

This one goes out to my boy Jessie Thomas out in WV for the weekend at the Funnybone. May you make it out of there completely rape free. Jessie's white but I still worry, I guess I'm just a good friend.

I have a big patch of missing skin under my nose because I was feverishly rubbing dead skin off my nose before returning to work for the first time since Monday. My allergies made Monday a nightmare, all the wiping and blowing my nose caused the skin on it to scab. Now I look like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

2010 is right around the corner now, may there be plenty of strange lying right around the bend. Strange for everyone...

It's been a crazy year for my love life, never expected to fall for someone. I'm surprised at the course of events, from old women, new women and acquaintances. May this next year bring something better than I know how to wish for. Somewhere the woman meant to be with me is smiling and happy, she better get all that joy out before we enter our awkward life together.

Have another sip of madness, mmm that's good

New York tomorrow, Baltimore Comedy Factory this weekend (despite the typo on the webpage that says Tyler S. is Hosting). Had a great weekend, much T-Day leftovers and Chipotle to fill in the gaps. New jokes, new Riding with Strangers videos to come this week (Nelson doesn't even know yet) and now; back to the Sasquatch interview.

And we’re back with Sasquatch, for those that were not here yesterday ol’ Sas was just opening up a bit about his life. Turns out he eats people but I guess we should’ve expected that one. Now we’re going to delve a bit further into this mythical beasture (yeah, I made that word up… you love it).
Tyler: Sasquatch, may I call you Geronimo?
Sasquatch: No, you should probably just use my name… Shaftmeat McGilicutty
T: Ouch, I think I’ll keep it formal. So Sasquatch, why did you stay in seclusion for so long? Why not come out and embrace humans and our society earlier?
S: For a long time, it was because I feared being eaten. Aside from the fact that I know my own meat to be delicious, I’ve eaten so many of you all that I would expect someone to eat of my flesh as merely revenge. After that fear went away I decided that I didn’t want to spend my life in a laboratory just because I was lonely.
T: What made you change your mind?
S: I have a damn good lawyer.
T: Right on to that. As something that was believed to be a myth, do you believe in the Loch Ness monster or any other creature that has not come out into our world yet?
S: Well, I would never betray a friend but don’t ever piss off a unicorn. Especially if he’s losing in a game of bones.
T: Are you a fan of Twilight?
S: Absolutely, Team Jacob.
T: Well, that’s…
S: (Growl)
T: Next question, if you were ordering in a Burger King, what meal are you eating?
S: I’m a Wendy’s kinda beast, number six, large, drink doesn’t matter.
T: Nice, I like their Big Bacon Classic too.
S: I said number six.
T: Ooookay, welpers, it’s about time to let you get back to your life. You must be warm in here because the heat is really catching your aroma and bringing it back to my mouth.
S: Yes to the aroma, but no to the heat, I’m quite comfortable.
T: You know what isn’t comfortable?
S: Do tell…
T: A condom.
S: (stares blankly while blinking)
T: Alright everyone, that’s all for today but we’re back tomorrow with updates from the city that never sleeps; Maine.
S: You mean New York… and Maine is a state.
T: For Sasquatch, I’m Tyler Richardson saying “Don’t buy the cow if she sleeps with everyone for a little Tequila. Good Night everyone.”

Meet Sasquatch

Sasquatch has been kind enough to sit down and give an interview. We have collected questions from several people online that we will ask here today among our set questions. We need not remind you that since he is accustomed to solitude, his social skills may not be what some would expect. But, no matter how it tastes, here is Bigfoot!

Sasquatch: It’s a pleasure to be here.
Tyler: Is there anything you wanted to say to those that have eagerly awaited your public debut?
S: Yeah, stop snitchin’.
T: Interesting choice of words.
S: Oh, and follow on twitter.
T: Let’s start with a fan question submitted to us online; Bobby Racter from Nevada asks “Dear Mr. Yetti, I’ve lived my entire life afraid to fly because I believe when I do you will be the captain and begin suicide bombing. Are you a pilot?”
S: That’s a good question Booby…
T: You mean Bobby.
S: Correct, Bobby you have every reason to fear me piloting a plane because I started that horror story. Truth is that I hate how long it takes to leave the airport and I wanted less people there so I ran with that story. But I’m over those days, plus flying is too expensive these days.
T: It must be incredibly tough to survive out there on your own. What are your main sources of food in the wild?
S: To be honest I eat quite a lot of people.
T: Jesus.
S: Never someone able to fight, or run. Just the sick and meek, and I’m partial to Asians. Other than that, berries and stuff.
T: When was the last human meal?
S: A few hours ago, it was some sick kid. To be honest I’m feeling kinda flu-ish like he may have had cancer or something.
T: Well, thank goodness you’re not hungry anymore; are you?
S: I’m good.
T: Then let’s see what another person would like to ask Sasquatch.
S: Bring it!
T: Kim from Miami wants to know how the love life is treating you?
S: I’m alone.
T: There’s a phone number here, would you like it?
S: Unfortunately, a relationship between a human and I is impossible. I’m a equipped like chubby elephant. One of the smaller veins along the shaft is easily more than most human women have ever seen. Look at what I’m talking about Tyler (shows him “the chunk”)
T: He’s telling the truth folks, I’m not sure what I’m looking at, but it is gross. And since you’ve unsheathed your sword I’m overwhelmed by the stink of the forest.
S: Yeah, never used soap, I’ve got a good cheese going on. I stopped smelling my skank about 40 years ago.
T: Please, tie that thing back into you’re pants like before so I can breathe again.
S: Flip, tuck, flip again… and, we’re good now.
T: Moving right along then, “Now that you’re out in the open, what’s next for the Sas’?
S: I’ve done some talking with Chuck E. Cheese’s and they seem to think that children are ready to hug on impostor me and friends. As long as the money is right, I’m good with that. I want a Bentley now.
T: We’re going to do a lightning round of questions and just give me the first thing to comes to mind.
S: Right on.
T: Favorite game?
S: Sorry!
T: Hottest woman of the last century?
S: Too easy, that Orca whale from Free Willy. She could stone cold get it. I don’t even care that’s she’s dead now, holla at me.
T: Favorite shoe?
S: Flip flops, the gays never outrun me in them.
T: Favorite snack food?
S: Midget.
T: Favorite movie?
S: Anything with Dustin Hoffman between The Graduate and Hook. The man’s a legend.
T: XBOX360 or PS3?
S: 360, be serious, come find out what my ass tastes like gamers! My gamertag is: WookieDik
T: What are your plans for Thanksgiving?
S: I’m probably going to sit around my place eating left overs. I have no family and no one wants to be my dinner for Thanksgiving.
T: Wow, well I certainly hope that some viewer that may be suicidal will spend thanksgiving with you this year. No one should be alone for the holidays.
S: Kind words; I bet you’re delicious.
T: Nah, I eat a lot of junk food. Ready for one more question before we take a break?
S: Don’t sing it, bring it.
T: Who is someone that you would love to meet?
S: Sean Connery, simply put, his performance in Finding Forrester moved me. James Bond forever man, Scotland rules!
T: Alright we’ll be back with more Yetti chat later but for today it looks like peaces. Laters…

Anybody seen my bag of Shrooms...I mean, mittens. Has anyone seen my bag of mittens?

The show at the State Theatre on Friday was fun. The comics laughed, the audience laughed; good things. Baltimore Dec.3-5 so put a condom on B-more, cause we’re going stepping. In between then I shall hone my chi and focus on telepathy. Plus there’s NY and open mic’n between then and now.

Modern Warfare 2 rocked my socks off, still is. Ugh! (I’ve always loved that sound, especially when it comes from Pauly Shore)

As a prize, Elliott in the morning is giving away Jimmy Fallon tickets. I imagine them staring at a blank phone after asking people to call in and win. “Call in and get your punishment, dammit.”

I passed a woman while getting breakfast this morning with breasts so big that I did a double take. I’ve seen her (and them) everyday for a couple of years. But something about today was different, probably the belt choking back her blouse and making them sit straight up. When I turned around I was greeted by my friend Jessica looking at me looking at cleavage. If only woman watching was a sport…

When is the last time I watched Beerfest? The fact that I had to ask is sad.

If I could go back in time I would go back to the first moment that someone said “Cut the mustard” and slap them.

When I’m 75 (because I really don’t plan on living to see that day) I want to go to Disney world. I’ve never been and want to hug Goofy before I die. Mid-hug I will make my peace and die in his arms. I want the children around to associate “the Goofster” with death. I’m not a Goofy fan, may Donald Duck drink his blood forever. Hail Donald?

Jim Gaffigan has such a soothing voice; I should not be listening to him while I work. Zzzzzz

Who dreams about pouring a glass of lemonade? I really need goals.

I miss Insomniac with Dave Attell. Those were simpler times.

I’m chuckling to myself (like a crazy person does) picturing a rejected man firing back at a woman with “Well f*ck you, if you don’t give me your number I’m going to eat myself to death.” Then, for the next month, every she sees him there is food in his hand. He just looks at her with dead eyes as he slowly eats a cheeseburger. Creepy to some, hilarious to me.

Remember the first time you heard Papa Roach’s first CD Infest? Yeah; now do you remember the first time you heard their second CD? Yeah.

Gorilla Handjob. I’ve been giggling at the thought of it for awhile and thought of changing it to Gorilla BJ. But the thought of a gorilla doing that is gross… now there ain’t nothing wrong with some tuggin’.

Nelson wanted to go see Survivor Series and I had to decline. I don’t know when I wrote off wrestling, and no, it had nothing to do with it being fake. When John Cena came into all of his popularity I guess I realized that it was not the same entertainment I experienced with Stone Cold and The Rock earlier. I don’t know if it was just really good television back then or if I was at an age where I was easily entertained but it was something back then. Now wrestling just lacks something, like basketball after Michael Jordan stopped playing. Much love to Shawn Michaels though, he’s still a beast man.

My neck just let out a crack that makes me think someone I love might be dead. I better call Pauly Shore and make sure he’s okay.

That’s all folks!

Peaces

I'm sorry, when I heard about Casual Friday I assumed shoes were optional

Here we are, November 13th and hopefully the show later tonight at the State Theatre (LaffStock, doors open at 8, show starts at 9, tix are $11) will be a jolly good time. Names, should we do the names? Fine; Jermaine Fowler, Seaton Smith, Tyler Richardson, Will Hessler and Eli Sairs. Hopefully streaking through the streets of VA wearing sneakers advertising the show will pay off. The entire reason for the show tonight is to lull the boogieman to sleep. Only laughter from a huge group of people, consistently, for a period of an hour and a half to two hours will do it. Help us won’t you, help us slay the beast.

I had too much fun at the (oh my lucky stars) PACKED Old Arlington Grill last night. I saw Hesslers and Abeds and Ryan Conners, oh my. I think we all had fun, I made two new friends that were practically performing with me, then I found a Kajigger dollar bill (which is like one million times one million). Sweet.

My new favorite line is: I really want to end a joke with the phrase “And I’m gonna get that n*gga Charles too.” Don’t know why it tickles me, but it does.

Had a blast with Courtney, Will and Randolph T on WGMU on Tuesday. Among several things that I took home with me were images of some lady shaking a whole can of ass. As Nelson would say, “That must be jam; cause jelly don’t shake like that.”

How far I’ve fallen, I watched Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns… and laughed.

Yesterday, while I lay sick and stricken with tuberculosis, I rented Up. Unlike the first time, there were no tears falling from this proud man’s face. Plus Nelson came home and that ruined the emotional vibe. I cry by my lonely.

God,

Please send my XBOX360 back to me soon, I know Microsoft can fix them very quickly. Atif needs me to beat the beard off his face in Modern Warfare 2, and I aim to please. As you’re well aware, I’ve asked the wolf to perform the same task. This is only in case you become too busy with everything else, like taking the legs from the Fort Hood shooter (good move Jesus!). Holla at your boi. TRich

Baltimore Comedy Factory, Dec. 3-5, Jaaam!

All aboard the bus to NY on Dec.1, just an open invitation should anyone want to come. Did I mention there will be pie and punch?

Every day it feels a little more like Christmas. Just relax, once we pig out on Thanksgiving it’s practically here! This year I’m going caroling.

New iPhone app for friends to get: Words with Friends. My user name is Devo2021, bring that $#!T.

Not too much to say today so I will see whoever is at the show tonight or the Drafthouse open mic tomorrow.

Peaces!

The Jankees!

State Theatre show on November 13, 2009. Doors open at 8, show starts at 9. Tickets are $11.00 and can be purchased online at http://www.thestatetheater.com/. The show will feature Will Hessler, Eli Sairs, Seaton Smith, Tyler Richardson and Jermaine Fowler! What would Jesus do?

So Keith (the comedian) and I went up to NY for this year’s Stand Up for Diversity auditions. We had a blast out there meeting new comic friends from all over and here are a few highlights from New Yawk City:

- Almost every woman in Manhattan was attractive, I say almost because there was the occasional midget. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
- The guy in line directly in front of me was wearing a turban. It took less than 10 minutes of arriving for the terrorist jokes to start, I did not partake. Too easy…
- I walked two miles (there and back) to enjoy Chipotle’s
- For (probably) the second time in my life, I drank a cup of coffee. It was free.
- Not only did I not enjoy the coffee, but it combined with the Chipotle and made me realize that I was going to have to make “stinky” in a public bathroom hundreds of miles away from home.
- I saw a bum literally chased out of McDonald’s by a manager that was more than ready to fight. She was about 5’3, pure rage.
- The same manager would kick it with TRich and Keith later and was really cool. Some people just know how to rub others the wrong way.
- A man in McDonald’s was really upset by rappers with fake jewelry. His friends would list rappers like: Fabolous, Young Jeezy and so on; he followed every name up with “Fugazi! Give me another one!” He was so angry I thought he might swing on one of his friends. It was interesting to watch.
- Back to the “stinky”: I wait in front of the bathroom door for what seems like an hour, it was probably 5 minutes, I had to drop something though. A woman comes out of the men’s bathroom, there was no one in the women’s bathroom. She was clearly dying her hair in the bathroom because she had fresh violet streaks in her hair. I go in the bathroom only to discover that she urinated all over the seat! I’m supposed to sit down after this?! So I grab the handi-bar on the wall, that is 1 inch away from the seat so I had a weird angle to hold myself at. I kept trying to reach out and touch the other wall to balance myself but that wasn’t going too well for me. When it was all over my thighs were as tight as a marathon runner and the place was a mess.
- About four Irish guys, middle-aged and pretty “portly” were walking drunkenly down the street. They walk past about 20 ethnic people, a lot of which are black males, and shout “Get out of our city N____!” Everyone was blown away by their boldness but no one is risking getting arrested over them. I still feel ashamed that no one crippled those bigots. Oh well, maybe one of them choked on a bad biscuit.
- A couple of homeless guys (they were nice to me so I don’t want to call them bums) approached a few of us while we were in the middle of talking. They ask Keith and a comic from Atlanta for cash, and got none. Then they turn to me and start casual conversation. They figured that we were all comics and immediately wanted me to tell them a joke. I give them this party joke, which I give to anyone that asks me to tell them a joke. They cut me off half way through and say “Wow, you got a beautiful voice. I bet you can sing can’t you?” I told them I think I can a little. They tell me that I can and then one of them starts singing “Doo Doo Doo Doo…” it went on for a little while at different octaves. Then he tells me to hold that note. I say that I don’t think I can. They step in my face and I notice Keith and the other guy move out of the way and now they are behind the two homeless guys. Not in a protective way, in a “I’m not getting raped beside him” type way. They start to touch my arms and I’m nervous. Then they demand I sing something and I ask other comics in line if I should. Then I sing an old Musiq Souldchild song “Reallove.” They liked it, one demands I sing “love” after that. I decline because the end is too high for me, which is true. Then, staring into my eyes, one of them begins to sing to me while they walk down the street finally leaving us. They continued to sing all the way down the block and stopped at the corner to finish the verse. I came within a cough of rape. Why I’m so irresistible to homeless men, I’ll never know.
- I had Popeye’s chicken. It was delicious.

The urge to move to NYC is strong, such a beautiful place, even at it’s ugliest. In the mean time, I’ll see whoever is at Hot Broth tonight. I’ve been writing a lot of new stuff lately and can’t wait to get it off my chest. Hopefully I can eek out a chuckle, it’s good for my self esteem. Snoogens.

Peaces

Real blog tomorrow, today is Cha- Cha Slide day!

Hello to the three of you. I've been slammed by the work monster today but I have a series of highlights from my recent NY outing to share. Including bum sightings, the "N" word and a bathroom that was not made to $#!T in... but I did anyway. Well, hopefully you're salivating like me and ready for tomorrow. Until then, party up!

Crab legs for breakfast? Did somebody start ballin'?

November 13, 2009. The State Theatre. Genre: Comedy Doors: 8:00 PM Showtime: 9:00 PM Tickets: $11
Check out some of DC's most hilarious comedians at work. Featuring Tyler Richardson, Jermaine Fowler, Seaton Smith, Will Hessler, and Eli Sairs
18 and up to enter. VALID ID required JUST GO!

Well, now that I’m going to make a sincere effort to stand back up on the scene, I might as well get back on my blogging. Who does random better?

Highlights of last night for me were: Hampton tripping and almost face planting into SPE’s lap. Barylick calling a woman “the lady from the movie The Wrestler.” Actually seeing Tyler S. again, been too long, now the Tyler-Bot 3000 is complete again. And getting to say goodbye to Mr. Jake Young. He may be on his way to a memory, after he and Eli rock it up tonight @ 7 (Eli you have to love the plug, should I give the name too? Yeah?) Velvet Lounge, 3 Chord Comedy. Es muy bueno.

It’s 10:00 and my cell phone just hit 69% battery life… giggle.

New Lil Wayne mixtape drops tomorrow, it’s called No Ceilings. Most has been leaked but it’s all out there tomorrow. Jaaaam!

Uh oh, it’s time for the Friday 10:13 zipper thumbing. Every gently press the right thumb to your zipper and try to follow me during this exercise. Okay now for those of you that may finish a little quicker than others, that doesn’t mean you need to stop thumbing your zipper. Okay, do everyone have a trash can close by for the waste. Let’s start working that zipper, up and down and 1 and 2 and 3 and hold. 1 and 2 and 3 and uh oh, I busted. Moving on.

We have to keep it shorter than normal but I’d like to say some words that make me laugh inside:
Cockamamie
Hand crafted
Moot
Fecal (what?! I’m immature and poop will always be funny to me)
Taint
Beef Stroganov ( I know it’s food, but that sounds like something you do not something you eat)
Pelt
Schmooze
Seed
Obese
Skittles

Enough, I tire of that, plus I have meeting in like 7 minutes. What’s in the news you ask?

Men in Black 3… sigh.

Peaces, I’m off to NY this weekend. I’m sure I’ll have adventures of Keith, TRich and the Fowlest to report when I get back. w00t

I have returned!

A lot of comedy coming up for the next several months but let's start by plugging what's up first:

November 13th at the State Theater: Will Hessler, Eli Sairs, Seaton Smith, Tyler Richardson and Jermaine Fowler! Tickets are $11, doors open at 8 and the show begins at 9. Must be 18 to enter. Show love folks.

Upon sitting here for a minute, I spotted what appeared to be some skin of mine on an affidavit. I went to flick it away and it didn’t move. Two things immediately ran through my mind. The first is someone was eating an Iced Fudge Glazed Krispy Kreme doughnut at my desk in the middle of the night and let a piece hit my paper. The other option was that a mystery booger stumbled onto my desk and I just touched it with my bare skin. That’s how my Wednesday started.

Did you recognize the quintessential villain from every 80's movie worth remembering in the picture above? Did you know he was gay? Look him up in IMDB, he's there with his lover. Just something I found interesting.

I tweeted about a man who received a 31 year sentence after smearing and hurling his own feces in a courtroom yesterday. Slowly another story, not involving feces, makes me laugh more and more. Here it is (given to us to laugh about by http://law.rightpundits.com/?p=920): Man Punches “Zombie” In Iowa Restaurant - You know you’ve watched too many zombie movies when you perceive someone you see on the street as a zombie. Such might well be the case of this incidence.

It seems that in the early morning hours on Sunday, October 25, 2009, a man was ordering food at an Iowa City restaurant when another man accused him of being a ‘zombie’ and punched him in the face. The restaurant is just south of the University of Iowa campus, so it’s possible that the assailant was playing too many ‘zombie’ games on his Playstation.
Whatever the case, the one guy was just minding his own business and ordering food at a Panchero’s restaurant at 1:17 a.m. when the perpetrator socked him in the nose. The victim pulled out his cell phone and tried to call the police. At that point, the man punched him in the nose again, breaking his nose.

The assailant fled out of a back door of the restaurant while the victim was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. Neither of the men’s names have been released. There is no further information as to whether or not the attacker has been captured or the condition of the man with the broken nose.

Iowa City Area CrimeStopper is offering a $1,000 reward for information leading to the arrest of the suspect. If you have any information on the man who punched the ‘zombie’ at the Iowa restaurant, you can call CrimeStoppers at 358-TIPS (8477).

The assailant is described as a dark-complected white male, short brown hair, between 6′ to 6′2″, weighting between 200 and 230 pounds. He is about 20 years of age. At the time of the assault, he was wearing a blue jeans and a brown coat.

And we’re back… hope everyone could giggle at a mean scenario that did not involve them like I did. Good times.

I always dreamed that by this age I would have found a pool of oil in my back yard and retired to search for the last Dodo bird. Oh it’s out there… I’ll find it one day.

Time to schedule a dentist appointment. The chipped tooth is really getting on my nerves. I’m like a fat person that refuses to work out, don’t pity me.

For the first time in my life I watched about 15 minutes of an episode of Friends last night. I was entertained, so I guess I’m a gay guy now… or white. Sigh, I have to call my mother. Oh God, she’s gonna be heartbroken either way.

I have high hopes for the next several months as far as comedy is concerned. An opportunity to make a tape I’ve been trying to get to someone forever and a day now; travel, and even seeing the Fowlest a few times. Starting with Sunday…

Nelson’s quote of the day: “If that’s rape… well I guess I’m guilty.”

Must get back to the gym, my heartbeat is showing.

Can it be that AT&T’s service is getting worse than I already despised it for being? I have to get up and walk to the bathroom sometimes to get service enough for a text message. Picture message? Well that involves me walking all the way outside, I really have to care to send a pic during the work day.

Apparently when you’re trying to figure out who is spoken about, asking “Who, the midget?” is rude. Go figure.

I declined the opportunity to give $1 to end world hunger at KFC on Saturday and still feel really good about it. (You’re a jerk) I know (You’re a jerk) I know, hey you ain’t never lie but eh, do me a favor call me jerk one more time… I love that song.

Lil Wayne is going to jail. How am I, excuse me… are we, supposed to survive an entire year without a hit single every week or two with him on it. I hope he’s working double time to make sure it’s like he never left. Tupac style.

Well, I’m off for training in dragon killing. Oh I’m excited!

Peaces

And little Jimmy is at bat... swing and a seizure.

How dare I lie the other day and then get sick when I should’ve been weaving tales of madness and love. Just in case it helps someone down the road; don’t eat road candy. That goes for highway Snicker bars, trash can 100 Grands, barely pooped on Starbursts and a little peed on Kit Kat bar. You will get sick, trust me.

Dance to yourself for a moment while I sip Cherry Coke. Now hit the Booty Doo.

Why do work erections always put me to sleep? They’re a gift and a curse.

I don’t know why I have the urge to scream out “sex party!” but when something feels this right how could it be wrong. Then again, that’s the same thing I used to say about not wearing condoms… and not washing fruit that I’ve purchased… and not flirting with fat women. Nah, I’m right.

I wish ice cream could scream when I ate it. I love a good horror tale.

You put your left foot, you take your left foot out… God, I’m bored. Yet I still don’t really want the week to end. I’m terrible at committing to anything, I didn’t even finish the hokey pokey a sentence ago.

The Fowlest’s CD is out, cop that junks. Word.

“What up b*tch! Who is this calling my phone from a random number? (It’s your mother, she just had an accident and is using the tow truck driver’s cell phone) Oh, hi mommy.” END

What are you going to be for Halloween? “A rapist.” This quote was taken from a conversation between myself and my friend Jocelyn earlier today. Did I mention that there is nothing funny about rape?

I wonder if I should’ve capitalized the r in rapist… nah, let’s move on.

When a woman who can barely fit her boobs in her shirt makes references to them during a conversation. I’d like to consider that God giving the “go ahead.”

Tomorrow is Friday, for years I’ve protected the Earth from certain doom with a dance I perform to keep the goblins below our crust. I’ve danced and watched as children are born and grow. I’ve watched people win the lottery and buy shirts more expensive than my finest silk skin condoms. But tomorrow, I say no more. I will not dance for a world that encourages Gucci Mane. Brace yourself for the end of times, I’m going to play the lotto!

Trojan Man visited my living room the other night. Problem was that I was alone at the time, and not having “relations.” He just wanted a place to relax and drink, so we watched 9 and a half weeks. He refused to share my popcorn, so I had none. Uncool house guest of the year award…

Oh God, a herpe! Nope, never mind, this is just a weird mouth pimple.

I could go for a bowl of mashed potatoes right now. I just had lunch but I’d like to launch it at someone’s face. Snoogens

Peaces

A day away from madness

Not really, just a busy day at work. Tomorrow I've almost prepared a story of intrigue and deception. It stars a young gremlin named Shamus... not really, but hopefully it will get a chuckle or two. My schedule just got a little lighter and I can't wait to hit put that extra time to good use. I'm still writing and am looking forward to getting feedback. To those participating in the festival this weekend, kick booty! We'll talk tomorries...

Peaces

Toaster's Strudel; A Serial Killer's best friend

Hello again, let’s just be random and jump in.

On Saturday I read that the Dodo bird is extinct because they all queefed at the same time. After taking a minute to really let that settle I realized it was Nelson’s handwriting on a napkin and discredited that theory. Well played Sayson, well played.

For Halloween I intend to go as a streaker.

Lately my roommates and I have been going crazy with the hot sauce (which is an understatement) known as Endorphin Rush. Naturally I will let you know how it works out, but we have this great idea for a friend that I know does not read this blog. He is a mooch and can’t resist the urge to ask for any of what you are eating. Rather than try to pass him the “poison” piece of whatever the food of choice will be, we’re going to dump that crap on everything. It’s worth having an hour and a half of discomfort for a really good prank. Did I mention that he cannot tolerate anything spicy. It’s always fun and games until someone’s system can’t take it and dies. We’re good friends.

I don’t want to go into too much detail about it, but on a recent first date a woman told me she had been raped. Within the next two hours I actually used the sentence “I find rape funny… not yours but in general.” True story

I don’t know how many references to Dead Poets Society I’m going to have to endure this month, so far I think the count on popular TV shows is three, but I hate Robin Williams’ movies. I can’t force myself to cut myself.

I have to stop telling people that I do not read. Nothing positive can come of it. I don’t run into anyone that throws out “Showering feels like a waste of time.”

Thank you Chevy Chase, you’re the best part of my Thursday. Well, to be honest you’re tied with my accounting professor who is a smoking hot celtic woman. But she had coffee breath on Thursday so you’re in the lead for a couple of days.

Places I never want to wake up again:
On the grass in my neighborhood (apparently what seemed like a stumble was a 3 hour nap)
On my couch with Kevin’s feet in my lap… no comment
On the toilet, my ass has never been in a coma like that before
Michigan
I-95, that’s just irresponsible. City driving is just catching up on some sleep though.

For awhile I believed that Ja Rule was a song away from a comeback. Just because 50 Cent ended his career way back in 2003 doesn’t mean that he couldn’t flow anymore right? Wrong, last night I saw a new video with Christina Milian featuring Mr. Rule and he was terrible. Like watching a retarded kid catch raindrops.

Is acne contagious? Because I’m almost certain that there is an analyst spreading it amongst her friends. If I get it I know who I’m giving it to, Prince. No one deserves to be that pretty.

It’s been a year since I returned to school and I’m still unable to turn straw into gold. Sometimes I think what’s the point. Then I remember Rumpelstiltskin and that it can be done, and I study harder.

Chipotle burrito + Grandmama’s chili = Meat Sweats, yesterday was a long day.

For those that would like a break from the non-sense lets just take a second and think about Kathy Bates nude scene in About Schmidt. There, your mind should be a blank slate. Let’s resume…

I’m in the mood to sing a song today. But, I doubt that Baby’s Got Back is appropriate for the workplace. Instead I guess I’ll go with the song that doesn’t end.

Last night I may have spent about 5 minutes listening to domestic violence next door. I say may because they were African and I imagine that the sex could sound a lot like domestic violence. There was a lot of yelling in another language with the occasional thud. Time will tell, but either way it was none of my business.

In case I don’t jump back on before the week is over (Jesus, it’s only Tuesday) I cannot wait for this great weekend coming up. In case I do have time to blog (my God he’s actually been working while at work) then we shall do this tango tomorrow.

Peaces

Just like starting over

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They Live!

I am indeed alive, just napping… a lot. But it’s Friday and if I don’t get these random thoughts on paper I have the most bizarre nightmare imaginable. Last night: A Frog with boobs that won’t take no for an answer. Yep.

Tonight at the Coat of Arms Café in Bethesda, MD it will be Sex and Missiles (a cool @ss rock band), Gage (cool rapper) and me (who the f@ck is Tyler Richardson?!). The party starts at 9, the show should begin at 10. Lions and tigers and bears; “Oh my.”

I’m not particularly in a great mindset so let’s play a word association game…

Can: Christopher Lloyd as the hobo in Dennis the Menace
Truck: Black guys should not buy them
Shoe: Jenna Jameson (what?)
Shoe laces: Gang members surrounded me at the Bowling Alley with my Mormon ex
Phone: I despise AT&T
Candy: Jenna Jameso… scratch that, Rachael Roxxy
Obama: Is a name.
Diaper: Nelson, because a grown man in a diaper tickles me
Confetti: Cake, I’m hungry
Finish: C*mshot, I think we’re done here.

Must remember to buy toilet paper today, even MacGuyver runs out of ideas eventually.

Old fans of Frisky Dingo rejoice! If you watched (or DVR’d) It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia last night you probably saw the sneak peak at Archer. From the creator of Frisky Dingo and the exact same humor that only it’s fans could appreciate. Starts in January so now we have something to look forward to in the new year.

Okay, sorry there wasn’t more today, but soon I will have randomness to spew that would make a unicorn $H!T. See, just wasn’t the same, have a great safe weekend everyone.

Gloomy days

My entire body is racked with pain because of a football game I joined a bunch of old and new friends for on Saturday. To give a little insight, the first play began with a beautiful catch by yours truly. I should’ve prefaced that by saying that I wasn’t wearing cleats. That’s important because after this magnificent catch (yeah, I’m milking it because of what happened next) I came down and started my run. As soon as my back foot pivoted on the freshly cut field, I slipped. A massive man was already running straight at me but didn’t have time to adjust when I slipped. So he basically slammed my neck and face into the ground and that’s how I started the game. I’m fine with all of the physical punishment that came from the game but one thing I can’t stand is heat. There wasn’t a drop of shade out there. Not for me and not for an ant. On breaks I hid my head behind our cooler because from my hair to my chin I was cool. Then I slid an ice pack up and down my body trying to make porn of the sun. Broken, newly tanned and beaten I spent quality time with my family and spent the rest of the day moving very little.

I’ve been singing No Rain by Blind Melon to myself a lot lately. Thank God for these beautiful rainy days. I needed a pick me up.

September 19 there will be a free show in Bethesda, MD. I wish I could remember the name but I’m too lazy to Google it. I remember that it’s not White Flint Mall (I thought it was until the band corrected me) and I’ll be putting on a show with Sex & Missiles (the band). Cool guys, cool show and hopefully I’ll be cool too.

In the UK teachers are not allowed to drink during the school year. Sounds like a dream job doesn’t it? Right in between catching spat semen on a porn set and plucking the boogers from Nick Cannon’s fingertips. And I know he’s a picker, I knows it.

No matter how old you are you still enjoy watching children fight. As proven by the excitement everyone in my place gets by hearing children scream “FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT” outside our apartment. Almost as giddy as the kiddies, a bunch of grown men throw themselves against the blinds and peek through hoping to see a good one. Don’t you judge me.

This weekend, for the first time in a long time, someone called me a monkey. Just felt that was worth noting because it tickled me. He said it online, so there is no story of an altercation or feces being thrown at his racist mouth. Because monkeys handles their problems with feces.

Bobimus Thomas was the smelliest child in his 3rd grade class. What the children of his class didn’t know was that Bobimus would intentionally urinate into his shoes in the afternoon just to wear them the next morning. Why? Because some people are just f*cked up.

Nelson’s friend Frank and I somehow got in the debate of who is better Chris Brown or Ne-Yo. By far the gayest debate I’ve ever been involved in, but what made it go on and on was that neither of us would concede. Counterpoint after counterpoint, and it all went back to the same thing. Chris Brown beat the $#!T out of a woman, and Ne-Yo is a gremlin. (I’m imagining what the cover art would look like for Year of the Gremlin, tee hee)

I brought a vile jug of Holy Water with me to work today. To smite the sinners and do the Lord’s good work. Plus, that’s the only way you can get away with flinging water in a co-worker’s face.

Been listening to The Blueprint 3, I think it serves as a great reminder for people that may have forgotten he is the greatest. My favorite song is A Star is Born but On To The Next One is a close second. I may just buy it on September 11th just to show support. We’ll see how much I’m listening to it by then, if I’m still just repeating it over and over it would only be right to pay up.

For my geeks out there rejoice! LOBO is being made by Warner Bros. and Guy Ritchie is directing it! w00t

On a more depressing note, Big Momma’s House 3 is being made. I thought I was disappointed in Martin Lawrence when I read about Bad Boys 3 last week. Sigh, WTF happened to my hero?

After watching Norm McDonald on the roast of Bob Saget I’m inspired. It was so awkward and painful yet hilarious to me how he could make everyone squirm and eventually laugh. I would love the occasion gut-busting howl, but weird has been my buddy since the first grade. And how could anyone not love Jim Norton’s comment “it was like watching Henry Fonda pick blue berries" I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. I need to find that uncensored because there were so many great lines, I don’t know how I missed seeing this until last night. John Stamos gave Brian Posehn the best intro I have ever heard: “No flash photography as not to startle the creature… Brian Posehn.” Overall, I believe it may be my favorite roast.

That’s all for today, not in a particularly funny mood. Tomorrow is another day.

“Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you have decided to look beyond the imperfections.” – Unknown quote I found online

Peaces

Captain Zap, doing stuff!

It’s a gloomy, yet surprisingly bright Wednesday. Our hero was just coming to his senses. Where was he, why did it smell like bologna throughout his room and why was there a hooker passed out on his bed? Hugging his trillion thread count quilt against her naked, and street hardened body. Before calling the cops on her he took all of the money out of her purse so no one could prove he paid for anything. Captain Zap had never been a fan of the condom and his wenis shone as bright as the sun that morning. He’d been burned, thank goodness for the super fast healing.

Something dropped…

Captain Zap was now dealing with the consequences of way too much drinking and annihilating too much from Chipotle’s. There would be no smiles, just pain. From a mile away you could hear the squeak of the struggle and the heel of his foot digging into the tile. Then, just like a slow kiss with a fat woman who just downed some Cheetos; it was over. Zap chose to stand for a while, because it hurt too much to sit. He said it felt like sitting on a bear’s teeth.

Our hero heads to work, on his way he intentionally avoids recognizing an old friend because he dislikes “the stop-and-chat.”

Was there enough time before work to stop and get a Croissanwich? Yes, even though he would be late, there had to be enough time. F**k it, make it two!

He had to call his bank to check his account balance. “Please press one to continue your phone call in English…” He hung up the phone.

He complimented an ugly woman, it was his “good thing” for the day. She soaked right through her valour pants and an old woman slipped and fell. Bless you Captain Zap.

Senator Ted Kennedy’s death troubled Captain Zap, “Why the hell is this all over the media? Who are you?!”

As my own hunger grows I have to cut this story short… I promise it’s going somewhere… to be updated later (just proving I’m still alive)

Private confessions made public

Private Confessions …

“So, I was at the zoo with my family and we were watching the gorillas play. My son made said “look at Daddy’s face!” because I was staring with amazement. My daughter was the one who pointed out that I had an erection. Truth be told, it wasn’t the gorillas that gave me wood; I was looking past them toward the Panda area.” Donald ______

“I pick my nose and eat what I find more than I can count.” Wayland Smithers

“… yeah, but who hasn’t look at a really young kid inappropriately? (not me) Oh… well, never mind.” Jack ________

“Your face looks like someone hit you with a truck. Unfortunately, you lived and had to crawl through the desert on your face and chest. I imagine that when you reached the hospital you told the doctor’s to fix you up. But then you told them to leave your face the way it was because you wanted to remember what they did to you.” Mike Hernandez 01’

“Yeah, I jerk it at work sometimes.” ______ _______

“If I were gay…” ________ ________ (doesn’t really matter what is said next, you’ve made quite an accepting statement already)

“But who hasn’t laughed at Carlos Mencia at least once? (I haven’t) Oh.” Nathaniel _______

It’s been a little while and I’ve been surprisingly busy with life lately. Let me promote (puts on promoting gloves) before we get ahead of ourselves:

Baltimore Comedy Factory! Louis Ramey! Big Ben Kennedy! Tyler Richardson on the drums! It’s gonna be better than a high five! More like TWO HIGH FIVES!! This weekend.

It’s impossible for me to listen to Luther Vandross’ music without seeing him lip locking a man. It really makes Dance with my Father hard to swallow, but damn the piano is banging in the background.

I didn’t actually think that men needed to txt every woman that they’ve slept with and tell them when they’ve found someone special. What happens if you don’t? You start getting texts and calls from all of them because women can sense love and their first instinct is to call. If I were on Facebook this wouldn’t happen. But I’m not, and I’m lazy, so there.

Atif actually told me one of my jokes was dirty. That’s like having a rapist tell you that you need to calm down because you’re being too aggressive.

I’m gonna get some good pics of Baltimore this weekend, “or die tryin’.”

My grandmother is in Alaska at this very moment. I pray that no hunter mistakes her for a Sasquatch; being that they can’t see too many black people around those parts.

New favorite act in DC: Jack of all trades, I just like seeing him happy. He’s happy when he’s telling jokes.

And with that, we move onto the weekend.

Peaces

Wait... this isn't where I parked my car.

Friday I did a show at Fat Tuesday’s in Fairfax. My friend Nate has a band (whose name I’m omitting in case he decides to Google it) and I was more than happy to come and host their gig with a couple of other bands. Fat Tuesday’s is a bar that is supposed to capture the feel of New Orleans (they took the name from a popular place in New Orleans) and since it’s right next to GMU college kids should be there. Well, there were some college students sprinkled in the mix but mostly older people just anxious to get their wife or girlfriend on the side drunk and horny. Music can be a good environment for whispering subtle things like “I couldn’t help but hear the chair squish, another strong island iced tea honey?” My comedy was f*cking that up… eventually. I say that because the first time I took the stage I managed to get about 80% of this large bar’s attention by yelling and not giving a f*ck that there was conversation going on. I was yelling so loud that my voice kept going out on me, I’m very soft spoken by nature. But as I said, the first 15 minutes went well. Normally, when comics host they aren’t expected to perform in between the following acts. My friend Nate requested that I do that, so I obliged. That was a mistake. The second time the conversation was louder because they’d just been rocking to Sex and Missiles (name dropper) and then here I come again. I find bombing hilarious, probably because awkward situations make me laugh, and had a ball. A woman who had earlier told me it was her 40th birthday to get applause was now using it against me. “Hey, HEY! (Yes Ma’am) You’re terrible. It’s my 40th birthday and you are terrible, I don’t want to hear you anymore. (The band isn’t ready ma’am) I don’t care, it’s my birthday!” I couldn’t stop laughing, which is probably not the best way to handle not doing well. Her drunk friend standing directly in front of me was also 40. Why mention her? Because the entire second go round she was demanding the microphone from me. Before the stink of my comedy had truly set in, I let her announce that it was her friend’s birthday. Now I had appointed her the ambassador of the crowd. No matter how many times I said no, getting more pissed that she kept holding her hand out like a child and saying “Excuse me, let me just say something” she didn’t let up. I’m not lying when I say that this woman, slightly younger than my mother began grabbing and massaging her boobs to get me to hand her the mic. She must have been some type of fine back in her time but sadly that trick wasn’t working on me. In the end, some people went out of their way to let me know that all of the younger people (in the back of the packed bar) thought I was funny but there were a lot of older people that didn’t want to listen. An audience is an audience though, whether they were Martians, pirates or a bar full of other comedians. Everyone is capable of laughing if something is funny. So, I’ll take away the ever so hilarious memory of bombing and doing alright in the same night and try to improve upon whatever made the second so bad… perhaps stage presence has something to do with it. I’m not wearing tight enough jeans, I need to silence people with the outline of my “Henry” (I’m going to have to run that little nickname for my penis past the girlfriend, I hope she okays it because that is hilarious to me). On to other things, I just wanted to share.

G.I. Joe was good, not a 10 but damned if I didn’t get all the action you could pack into a pair of Ugg boots. By the way, Ugg boots are the ugliest footwear in existence. Second place: Crocs and rounding out Third Place: Flip Flips on a man

Since putting all of my old Adam Sandler CD’s on my phone I keep reminiscing about when his CD releases were a big deal. I almost wish he’d release another one because his last was still hilarious and I need new ways to pass the time at work. No one blogs anymore…

Next week, Baltimore… break dancing. And comedy, but mostly break dancing.

If you have the opportunity to watch the HBO documentary The Nine Lives of Marion Barry, do so. That’s pretty funny stuff. “Mr. Barry, would you agree to take a series of long term drug tests to prove you’re clean of drugs?” His response: “I don’t think that would help anything.”

Am I the only person that looks at Eli’s head shot and wants to pet his head? He’s adorable, no homo.

The more they postpone the cause of MJ’s death, the more I think he’s not dead. What they found was his outer shell and somewhere a gigantic butterfly is moon walking into a gigantic spider’s web. Ah, to dream…

When exactly did people decide it was gay to skip? I was teasing this little kid that I saw skipping with his sister last week and he felt no shame about his skipping. Good for him, I guess. When people start hurling some seriously hurtful gay rederick once he’s grown, I hope he still has that shield around his feelings. One more for the good guys.

I put every song that has Lil Wayne on a playlist last night. The playlist is 10 hours long and the majority of them are just him. My God…

Fact of the day: Mustard is not packaged by rummaging through the forest and bottling Sasquatch semen. It comes from a seed. You’re welcome.

My friend Jessica calls Nelson Jiggly Puff. That makes me laugh no matter how often I hear it.

Speaking of Nelson, this morning I was ironing and he walked past me to go to the bathroom. I was pretty tired since I’d just rolled out of bed my eyes weren’t open all the way. The only thing I thought I saw was Nelson getting ready to poop on a doggy pee pad. He didn’t, but that’s how I started my Tuesday. What about you?

Peaces

Iron Man 2 Comic Con footage... for now.

And Wednesday doesn't look so bad, I think she cut her hair

Well, where do I start? It’s been a wild week. I’ll save one story because I’m not sure if I get to dance on a table when it’s all said and done. I might just end up smashing my face against one if I f*cked it up.

I swear quite a bit. So does everyone that I hold dearest (friends, girlfriend, Grandma and at one point even mi madre) but on Friday night I was actually offended at how much a friend of mine let the expletives fly around toddlers and precious young minds. It was like being young and watching Martin Lawrence: YOUSOCRAZY all over again. Though he was a monster, he swore so beautifully it was majestic. I could see fluorescent lights bounce off his hair after every giggle that slipped when he’d just surprised himself with a new combination. Thank you Izzo, you gave me back a piece of my childhood.

Three cheers for Atif, he gets to host for Rob Cantrell. As a celebration he says that a video of him dancing in Humus will be on YouTube within the next week. Gross, but awesome. Boo Butta!

Yesterday I held going to the bathroom off and felt like I was setting an Olympic record. A few days ago I remember thinking to myself “Man it’s been forever since I was trapped in a car and unable to go…” Well you get what you wish for. That was my Tuesday afternoon.

When I picture Sean Paul Ellis, which I do from time to time, I wonder why he’s always a slave owner with “a lil’ Captain in him.” Strange…

I was talking to Jermaine (ahem, the Fowlest) last night and I think it would be really funny to start calling myself Jermaine Fowler II and see how long I can make a name for myself before we run into each other. Just like Kirk vs. Spock, it’s on!

Just got this text message twice, so I guess the first one was for me and the second was for the world (how can anyone argue with that logic?) “Just had a poo scare, Just barely made it to work.” Some people get thought of when a crisis goes down. Some people get thought of when you’ve just dropped an atomic bomb. Apparently I’m that second guy.

My only advice to “this person” was to “have a lolli.”

White Chocolate is the devil. With that said, I’m eating a Crunch White/Blanco bar right now. I hate myself.

The hardest thing about doing the right thing all the time is that everyone doing the wrong things keep showing you all the rewards. “So, no matter how much your friends brag, DON’T invest in Japanese auto makers. They need your money here in America too.”

*UPDATE* My story has a happy ending! I don’t want to put it all out there because no one would believe me anyway. But, if you ask me personally I will gladly talk your ear off with my 15 minute story.

Now I’m all gitty, but I have a phone call to make.

Peaces

Happiness

Today I’m happy
It’s not that I was unhappy yesterday
I am no better today than I was before

My cheer is not because of anyone
But everyone that I get to share this joy with makes my own a little better
That is the only way I know how to spread my joy with the world

I feel genuine sympathy for those that cannot see reasons to smile
Has life gotten so momentarily chaotic?
A bad day is just a good one with a few lumps in it

Challenge yourself not to complain today
Say seven nice things today
Say seven nice things to seven different people

What comes back is the same joy you get when you hold the door open
You reap what you sow
So, if you never stop to help others what do you think is coming to you?

By reading this far I believe the seed has been planted
Your problems are temporary
Life is long, just pause for a second and see

Have a great weekend, be safe and be happy.
Peaces

So, you're wearing the tube socks you spank into?

Ironing naked is a mistake. All that steam and dangly parts don’t mix. Yet every few months I have to find out the hard way all over again. One day my laziness will kill me.

Nelson has given the world the phrase “time rapist” and it really does sum up someone that f*cks the $#!T out of your time. I for one am bitter that I have to go to some bumpkin town (Winchester, VA) to go over disaster recovery strategies at noon. All because there was a surge and my headquarters was without power one day last summer. A year later my time is being forced to bend over and pick up a penny while a rapist waits… and salivates.

After spending the past couple of nights in snuggled bliss I’ve made a decision: There must be Listerine within reach of the bed. I’m missing out on perfectly good kisses because of morning breath and GINGIVITIS.

Yesterday a friend working on her Master’s Degree said “wit.” That is all.

I wear my sunglasses at night. So I can, so I can… damn it. One more song that found it’s way into my wallet and my iTunes collection.

Yesterday I got a great booking, followed by “travel and lodging are your responsibility”… okay, it was not such a great booking.

A new bet has been made, “Can Nelson $#!T an entire plum?” Only time will tell, pictures to follow… I kid.

August 20-22nd… Baltimore Comedy Factory… people are going to be doing stuff… jokes b*tch.

August 7th… Fat Tuesday's… Rock Bands and Tyler Richardson? Keep me company Sean Paul… I’m sorry I peed in the Mr. Coffee.

Tomorrow I have great news. Why mention it today? Because I grew up with X:Men the animated series. To Be Continued is all I know…

I watched Fanboys last night, not bad. I don’t know why but Dan Fogel (the guy from Balls of Fury and Dane Cook’s best friend in Good Luck Chuck) never ceases to make me laugh. I think it’s because he’s bug eyed. I’m easily amused.

Best purchase of the week: The Dedication 1 & 2 by DJ Drama and Lil Wayne. I’m pretty late buying those mix tapes but they put Tha Carter III to shame.

Quote of the week: “You really like butts don’t you?” (yeah) “I know, I looked at your browser history, you really do.” – My girlfriend

Met Ted Alexandro on Saturday, he was incredibly cool.

Seaton put me on to MF Doom, not bad for those into rap music. I would compare what I’ve heard thus far to Styles P but his more lyrical side. And yes, Styles P can be lyrical. You’ve got fans out there Holiday Styles, don’t believe what the haters say.

Today I was forced to put down my car so that no one wanted to drive with me… sigh.

Well, it’s about that time to make skid marks… maybe I should have said tracks… yeah, let’s go with tracks instead. But, I will have a lot more time to think of good non-sense tomorrow.

Peaces

Just a gloomy day...

My supervisor came back from vacation. That may not be the reason I feel so down, but I could really use a thunderstorm...

Don't whiz on the electric fence

So far my iPhone has yet to play It’s Raining Men by the Weather Girls on shuffle. I will wait and wonder if my phone has no taste. Because that shiggity is hilarious.

I don’t feel like I say the word “retard” very often. However, now that I’m sitting next a woman with a “different” child I keep catching myself before I let it fly. It’s awkward, about as awkward as when she catches me peeking at the kid’s photo during conversation. That’s all I’ll say about that because as I feel my face smirk I can see the devil dusting off my chair.

Yesterday’s Quote of the day: “Mommy doesn’t care, I have to go to the bathroom Jacob. We need to go home right now…” – Random mom in Wal-Mart

Yesterday I told a co-worker I was giving her an “ass penny” right after the penny landed in her palm. She threw it to the ground and then I told her I’ve been lying for fun lately. Good times…

Stay tuned for another date to a show at the State Theater. It was a lot of fun last year and this year will be more fun because I said so.

Did you know that you cannot choose to major in pick pocketing at most universities? That’s why I’ve started taking lessons from Ronnie the bum. Now I’m getting learned reall good. (the typo was on purpose)

For awhile I thought that R&B singer Joe was eaten by a dragon. Apparently he was just unpopular because he just released a new CD on iTunes. I was wrong.

A perfect night’s sleep is holding my baby and sneaking in kisses when she’s in her dreams. But, if my girlfriend is over I’d rather just let my iPhone charge and hold her instead.

Sometimes I worry that if I think too hard about something it will explode. Example: Winnie the Pooh, prove to me that he didn’t explode.

Photo bombers have and will always be funny to me. Especially when the picture is of a time where humor was not welcome. Then you look in the lower left hand corner and see some dick who’s just happy to be in a photo. Ah…

Perfect example of a 24/7 job: Stalking a stalker.

Any one that answers their phone and doesn’t say hello (just sitting there waiting for the caller to say “hello?”) should be beaten with brick. Who taught these people how to use a phone? Christopher Columbus? (Because phones didn’t exist when he was around so he wouldn’t know phone ettiq… never mind.)

Would it be weird to hire a party clown and just have him over to chill? What, I find the idea of chillin’ on the couch and drinking some Coronas with Bozo relaxing. But maybe I’m just old fashioned…

Just saw my analyst trip and gave the typical black guy response: “OH! Hahahaha” I forgot I was at work.

When is the last time you complimented Bobby Womack? You should probably get on that.

Cancelled shows are getting to come back due to demand by the geeks who love Adult Swim like myself. I wish they would add Being Bobby Brown to their listings so he could can have another chance to entertain the world. If you don’t think he deserves another chance at reality television allow me to change your mind. He used his thumb to help Whitney “go number 2” and spoke about it during an episode. The defense rests your honor.

Must’ve been a rough night for my imaginary co-worker… he’s only wearing a condom and Stacy Adams.

Dear Chipotle,

I feel I am not alone in asking, nay, demanding that you start delivering your food. Not only do I hate that the delicious drug you call food requires lining up like Oliver Twist, but I can’t stand the constant eye contact with strangers. Just think about it, I promise we’ll tip you well. Even the black people will tip, promise. I love you.

Baltimore Comedy Factory, August, jokes and $#!T… come.

Next DVD purchase: Pee Wee’s Big Adventure (why don’t I own this classic?)

Must be going now, there is much pretending to work to do.

Peaces, I’ll twitter at you.

HUMPDAY!!! (even though it's Tuesday)

I have no blog for today, but I would like to promote a movie coming our area on Friday (July 24th 2009) at the E Street Cinema. http://www.magpictures.com/mailer/humpday/index.html?utm_source=Magnolia+Pictures+Original+Email+List&utm_campaign=e287be9da6-Humpday_htmlEmail_7_10_7_7_2009&utm_medium=email

Tomorries there shall be much inappropriate chuckling to be done. Flatulence (that word has been making me laugh for a couple of weeks, I'm a simple man).

Peaces

So that's what a prostitute kisses like...

It wasn’t until a couple of minutes ago that I spoke my first word of the day. Oddly, the song that brought it about was “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by (if you don’t know who sing that song I have no idea what you’ve done with your life. I hope you discovered the secret of cold fusion.

I like that people in my section finally realize I don’t like saying hello to the same people every morning. I don’t consider it rude, but it’s like shaking hands with a friend every time you see them. I know you now, let’s just embrace that. “Must we speak every time we pass?” – Stewie Griffin


Friday I set a goal of seeing how many times I could say “Like scheduling my second circumcision…” without offending anyone. Somehow no one even blinked. Am I losing my touch? Probably for the best though, it’s a terrible time to be unemployed. I can’t even be a prostitute because I’m allergic to latex.

Yesterday I went to IHOP and was surprised by the number of black people there. I’d lived my whole like thinking IHOP was “WHITE THANGS” and I was so wrong. Oh yeah, as a nice side note I’d like to point out that I watched Nelson get eye f*cked by a random gay Spaniard. Good times…

Nelson’s b-day party was Saturday and as usual there were more dead prostitutes than I’ve ever seen in my life. Now take away the prostitutes and replace them with Nelson’s friends, a TON (I’m an alcoholic and I thought it was a lot, it’s still there) of alcohol and a random gay black man… that’s a more accurate picture. Sunday morning was the first time in a long time that I’ve been hung over. I would like to not feel that way again for some time. I was barely able to eat my scrambie eggs at IHOP.

Crazy, but I smell my childhood Christmases. What’s weird is how perfect the picture of that time of year was back when it was still magical.

So, while I was at lunch today I spilled soda on a woman I barely know. Before I could fully apologize I burst into laughter. I believe she accepted my apology.

Shook hands with a big ol’ guy for the first time in years. The only thing that went through my head was “Feels like I’m grabbing a bunch of bananas.” Thank you Jack Black, if it weren’t for Shallow Hal I wouldn’t have such a perfect metaphor. I forgive you for Year One.

(Okay, take a minute to break dance in one spot. Don’t go over the top with it, just let people know that you remember your youth and the parachute pants are only a few steps away.)

TALK is to CHATTER as POO FACTOY is to my dog MAX.

Laugh of the day: Imagine a man with nun chucks that are nothing more than two condoms tied together. What really makes me laugh is that both condoms are “used” so on the initial twirls there is a trail of “trail mix” flying all around him. I haven’t said that out loud but it’s really been tickling me all day. No homo.

Lastly, I would like to share a moment I had earlier…. I call it: Fair? It started with someone describing a scene in Slum dog Millionaire where kids are blinded and sold so people will tip better. Then someone takes the money that is not the blind kid. I’m unfazed, allow me to explain. I was not born to Will Smith. Despite how unfair that is to me, no one cares. I could be on a yacht sipping Capri Sun right now but instead I live a normal life. I hope one day that my child is able to buy a slave and blind him for better tips. That, ladies and gentlemen, is fair. You’re welcome.

Peaces