Sleep is by far the biggest tease in the whole wide world. What I wouldn’t give to just drop on the cubicle where I’ve been sitting without worrying someone would come wake me. I felt the same way yesterday and didn’t get my bearings until 4 O’ Clock . Here goes one more day.
In the middle of conversations at work, my newest favorite is to yell louder than necessary “OH, you mean when you bought that big bag of bad crack?!” I’m as subtle as a samurai sword running along the seam of a scrotum. That really doesn’t mean anything but, the imagery of it, I was practically running along the seam myself. Moving on…
Right now it’s 8:48 AM (ET) and I am officially partying like a rock star… drinking Rock Star energy drank (that’s right, not drink, drank). Reminds me of being hit on by jean clad hookers in Atlantic City. “Hey, you boys like to party like a rock star?” They had on jeans and tennis shoes. Their prostitute card should be revoked for some $#!T like that. You’re giving the hard working, run in heels, pee on the sidewalk, $12 ZJ women of the night a bad name. In tennis shoes…
Instead of calling a woman “the C word” I find it funnier to call them a street hooker… in my mind… because I’m a coward.
Hot Broth was fun last night, lots of name and faces I did not know with familiarity sprinkled. Jake borrowed the ol’ iPod for a minute to play intros. I was really crossing my fingers for It’s Raining Men by the Weather Girls. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it on my death bed, “That song is hilarious to me, and I don’t see why we gave it to the gays in the first place.” I’m gonna go out, I’m gonna let myself get ABSOLUTELY SOAKIN WEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!! That tickles me.
Today I’m wearing a white polo and white shoes. I hate that fashion rules say people can’t wear white until after Memorial Day. That doesn’t even make any sense, why not go with Flag Day? Or Cinco de Mayo? Or the anniversary of Peanuts creator Charles Schultz’s death?! I wear what I want. It pisses me off that I even know that rule, like blue and black don’t match. I blind man came up with that rule. Black matches everything, don’t you read?
I watched Making the Band 4 last night, with so many crying @ss men last week I couldn’t say no. Unfortunately, there were no tears to be seen. Just horrible television magically thrown together by the most diabolical puppet master… Diddy. Give us back G-Dep!
I met a great woman at a party not to long ago. I was having fun and the next day it sank in that I should have gotten her number. I assumed that since she said she knew someone, I should have no problem tracking her down. I waited and waited and finally asked about her yesterday. As of right now, no one has heard of her… I worry that she was an optical illusion. Could I be surrounded by so many scandalous women that I had to imagine one that I could take out and not order an Extra Value Meal? Oh to be single in the 21st century.
The song Black Betty is highly underrated. Sometimes you don’t have to say anything to move people. Look at Ozzy Osbourne.
This energy drink tastes like I’m licking someone’s eyebrow… after they went down on a peach. That’s right, oral sexing a peach and then some juices got on the eyebrow. Then I break into the bedroom this is going on in and walk towards the man. I look at the peach, and then look at him, judging neither or them for their lust. I lean in like I have a secret and taste the eyebrow for sustenance. Then I cock back the hammer on my Desert Eagle and blow the man, and the peach, straight to hell where all the fruit sex they could ever have awaits. It waits right at the bell of Satan’s d*ck… fruit fornicators.
I don’t think I miss being a kid due to lack of responsibility. I think I just miss people giving a $#!T about you, every kid is special to their parents and teachers. Strangers would even help you out, but once you’re old enough to fend on you own you could be homeless and 19… you’re grown. I gotta stop jerkin it, I’m getting way too sentimental.
Atif Meyers left an open mic to jerk it. Tell anyone and everyone, sully his good name.
Bad news for any of us that find peeing at others hilarious. A man was sentenced to three weeks in jail because he stood up and peed on a woman during a flight to Hawaii. There was no argument between them prior, she was just watching the in flight movie and “Boosh.” I only wish I had thought of it first… I hope they rape him as little as possible during initiation.
I’ve finally broken a life long habit of saying God Bless you while one particular woman sneezes. I have a bit about a Muslim friend that never say it to, that bit came from this woman at work. She is Muslim and never, not f*cking once, has said thank you. She sneezes all day long so this is something that I kick myself for at least 3 or 4 times a day. But now, she could drop dead and I wouldn’t stop typing. I honestly don’t know if it’s because she’s pretending not to hear me, or if it’s a difference in our religions and she just won’t say it. Next sneeze the proper response will be “I hope you swallow you’re tongue.” Thank you.
I was surprised to see there was a competition at the Comedy Spot coming up, put on by Chris Hayes. What really shocked me was the number of comedians involved… 60. Yes, there are that many people currently dreaming the same thing for their future that we are, right now. Naturally, I looked through every name, didn’t spot mine. But, before I got all sensitive I noticed that there were a lot of names, really funny people who I did not spot. For once, I didn’t grab a stranger and give them a Stone Cold Stunner (mmmm), ya growns up and ya growns up. I remember how I’ve felt every other year when I submitted for the DC Comedy Fest and didn’t see my name. But this year I will not know that feeling again, “you can’t change the world, but you can change yours.”
Tomorrow night, a show that will take your socks off before blowing a load all over your feet… yep. Catholic University, around 7-ish, here is the lineup: Will Hessler, Jermaine Fowler, Tyler Richardson, Jake Young, Hampton Yount and John McBride. Strap on something sexy and come join, won’t you?
I’m going to split, I have a meeting shortly and I need to rest eyes on someone’s chest for a while. If only I could pull that off… sigh.
Peaces
In the middle of conversations at work, my newest favorite is to yell louder than necessary “OH, you mean when you bought that big bag of bad crack?!” I’m as subtle as a samurai sword running along the seam of a scrotum. That really doesn’t mean anything but, the imagery of it, I was practically running along the seam myself. Moving on…
Right now it’s 8:48 AM (ET) and I am officially partying like a rock star… drinking Rock Star energy drank (that’s right, not drink, drank). Reminds me of being hit on by jean clad hookers in Atlantic City. “Hey, you boys like to party like a rock star?” They had on jeans and tennis shoes. Their prostitute card should be revoked for some $#!T like that. You’re giving the hard working, run in heels, pee on the sidewalk, $12 ZJ women of the night a bad name. In tennis shoes…
Instead of calling a woman “the C word” I find it funnier to call them a street hooker… in my mind… because I’m a coward.
Hot Broth was fun last night, lots of name and faces I did not know with familiarity sprinkled. Jake borrowed the ol’ iPod for a minute to play intros. I was really crossing my fingers for It’s Raining Men by the Weather Girls. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it on my death bed, “That song is hilarious to me, and I don’t see why we gave it to the gays in the first place.” I’m gonna go out, I’m gonna let myself get ABSOLUTELY SOAKIN WEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!! That tickles me.
Today I’m wearing a white polo and white shoes. I hate that fashion rules say people can’t wear white until after Memorial Day. That doesn’t even make any sense, why not go with Flag Day? Or Cinco de Mayo? Or the anniversary of Peanuts creator Charles Schultz’s death?! I wear what I want. It pisses me off that I even know that rule, like blue and black don’t match. I blind man came up with that rule. Black matches everything, don’t you read?
I watched Making the Band 4 last night, with so many crying @ss men last week I couldn’t say no. Unfortunately, there were no tears to be seen. Just horrible television magically thrown together by the most diabolical puppet master… Diddy. Give us back G-Dep!
I met a great woman at a party not to long ago. I was having fun and the next day it sank in that I should have gotten her number. I assumed that since she said she knew someone, I should have no problem tracking her down. I waited and waited and finally asked about her yesterday. As of right now, no one has heard of her… I worry that she was an optical illusion. Could I be surrounded by so many scandalous women that I had to imagine one that I could take out and not order an Extra Value Meal? Oh to be single in the 21st century.
The song Black Betty is highly underrated. Sometimes you don’t have to say anything to move people. Look at Ozzy Osbourne.
This energy drink tastes like I’m licking someone’s eyebrow… after they went down on a peach. That’s right, oral sexing a peach and then some juices got on the eyebrow. Then I break into the bedroom this is going on in and walk towards the man. I look at the peach, and then look at him, judging neither or them for their lust. I lean in like I have a secret and taste the eyebrow for sustenance. Then I cock back the hammer on my Desert Eagle and blow the man, and the peach, straight to hell where all the fruit sex they could ever have awaits. It waits right at the bell of Satan’s d*ck… fruit fornicators.
I don’t think I miss being a kid due to lack of responsibility. I think I just miss people giving a $#!T about you, every kid is special to their parents and teachers. Strangers would even help you out, but once you’re old enough to fend on you own you could be homeless and 19… you’re grown. I gotta stop jerkin it, I’m getting way too sentimental.
Atif Meyers left an open mic to jerk it. Tell anyone and everyone, sully his good name.
Bad news for any of us that find peeing at others hilarious. A man was sentenced to three weeks in jail because he stood up and peed on a woman during a flight to Hawaii. There was no argument between them prior, she was just watching the in flight movie and “Boosh.” I only wish I had thought of it first… I hope they rape him as little as possible during initiation.
I’ve finally broken a life long habit of saying God Bless you while one particular woman sneezes. I have a bit about a Muslim friend that never say it to, that bit came from this woman at work. She is Muslim and never, not f*cking once, has said thank you. She sneezes all day long so this is something that I kick myself for at least 3 or 4 times a day. But now, she could drop dead and I wouldn’t stop typing. I honestly don’t know if it’s because she’s pretending not to hear me, or if it’s a difference in our religions and she just won’t say it. Next sneeze the proper response will be “I hope you swallow you’re tongue.” Thank you.
I was surprised to see there was a competition at the Comedy Spot coming up, put on by Chris Hayes. What really shocked me was the number of comedians involved… 60. Yes, there are that many people currently dreaming the same thing for their future that we are, right now. Naturally, I looked through every name, didn’t spot mine. But, before I got all sensitive I noticed that there were a lot of names, really funny people who I did not spot. For once, I didn’t grab a stranger and give them a Stone Cold Stunner (mmmm), ya growns up and ya growns up. I remember how I’ve felt every other year when I submitted for the DC Comedy Fest and didn’t see my name. But this year I will not know that feeling again, “you can’t change the world, but you can change yours.”
Tomorrow night, a show that will take your socks off before blowing a load all over your feet… yep. Catholic University, around 7-ish, here is the lineup: Will Hessler, Jermaine Fowler, Tyler Richardson, Jake Young, Hampton Yount and John McBride. Strap on something sexy and come join, won’t you?
I’m going to split, I have a meeting shortly and I need to rest eyes on someone’s chest for a while. If only I could pull that off… sigh.
Peaces
