Hard to believe it was a year ago that I saw Hampton destroy at the DC Improv showcase and win. Seems like yesterday, my how time flies.
As I get ready to make my way down to the Arlington Drafthouse tonight I’m a lot calmer than normal. The past two times that I went to the Improv for the competition I believe I kind psyched myself up too much, WAY too much the first time. In retrospect, I wasn’t ready the first time, I knew that going into the last time. Last time I was in with Jason Weems and Nick Mullen. Weems killed it just like everyone expected him too, and Mullen killed too without making his jokes any more politically correct or less offensive than any other time he’s onstage. I watched the tape that Deeley (Don’t F with Joe) taped and cringed at my set last February. With eight minutes on tape I started with laughs and then came two jokes that I no longer do after watching that tape. Lord knows how long I was telling the Magician and “Jesus wasn’t white” joke, but God… sometimes they got laughs though but definitely not that night. It broke my heart spirit when I didn’t even place. When they called Big Mike’s name I almost lost it, I told myself that even though Weems would win I was certain to at least place. Nope, and I was angry and bitter for a while. That’s about the time that I really started talking to the Fowlest. Because, unless I’m the only one, sometimes we need to speak freely about what we feel is going on and people have a tendency to judge you. God, I hope I’m not the only person in this wonderful loving community that has ever had something that might be considered “hating” to say. Like I said, I was bitter and had my ego crippled. Now over a year has gone by and I think I’m in a different place now. For starters, Jay made it so that it’s no longer a competition and now (with Allyson watching) all you have to do is be funny and not funny than. That’s all I ever really wanted, hopefully I’ll be funny. The Richmond Funnybone definitely gave me a boost in confidence since they showed me a lot of love, last Halloween was my first show there and I never would’ve guessed that I’d be making so many trips down after the disaster that show was. The Spy Lounge started last November and though it’s all Eli’s baby now it was really cool seeing a lot of familiar faces whenever I made it up there. I actually like telling a some of my jokes. Not to say there haven’t been moments where I’ve taken a step back “I don’t think you’re ready to host at the Improv”- Tim (at the time) Miller. Even though I might didn’t agree with that when he told me, it runs through my mind all the time. That was probably almost a year ago but it still runs through my mind. But no one says that kind of thing to people’s faces they usually let the wander. Which is why I respected that he told me that, I didn’t think he was trying to hurt my feelings it was just the two of us having a phone conversation. And since he’s working at the Improv and I’m not, I’ll take all the criticism I can get, but be careful anony’s… I’m sensitive. I hope tomorrow night is a blast, I’m sure it will be. The only part that I’ll miss about the old competition is that hallway that the main showroom has. Something about standing back by that curtain makes me feel like a kid again. Maybe if I get a few chuckles I can see that hallway again…
Not too long ago my sister ate some of my Macaroni and Cheese that my Granny made for me. I don’t play around when it comes to my Granny’s cooking and I was really shocked that when it was offered before I took it all, she had some. So here’s the plan: On a random day that I know my mother and sister are eating dinner I show up and ring the door. My mother will make my sister answer the door because “she said so”, as soon as she opens the door I b*tch slap her to the ground. I walk over her limp 12-year-old body towards the dining room. While my mother freaks out and doesn’t know what’s going on I grab the entire plate of food that my sister hadn’t gotten a chance to enjoy. I take the food back to my car. When stepping back over the kid’s body I turn and say “You never should have touched my Mac & Chee!” then I get in the car and drive home. The end.
The key to a man’s heart is buried deep within the genitals. It can only be reached with saliva… BeeeeJaaaayeeee! (To be pronounced Be-Jay-E)
You can’t hit a woman cause it’s illegal, but I’m pretty sure you can urinate towards her feet to shut her up. Unless you’re in public, which I’m pretty sure is illegal.
Nelson went to the hospital at 2:30 in the morning cause whatever he’s got came back way worse last night. He’s confident that it’s fleas cause someone told him they had fleas, which I think is moronic. If he had fleas shouldn’t I or better yet my dog? After waiting for 4 hours in the ER, they sent him home without a diagnosis but did tell him to “clean your room and wash everything in hot water. Your co-pay will be $100…” when you’re a doctor life must be sweet.
Apparently Jeff Bridges is reprising his role from Tron for the sequel. I wish I had seen Tron back in the day so I was excited. Though whenever “The Dude” shows us a new masterpiece far be it from this dude not to oblige.
After hearing Bow Wow and Soulja Boy Tell’em’s song Marco Polo I went out and slapped a tree with frozen meat. I needed to tenderize the meat and the tree seemed like a good idea but that song was TERRIBLE.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket. Should you find her the bounty is as follows: $10,000 dead and $500,000 if the corpse is still warm enough for… me. No questions.
Lately my eyes have been diverted to boob meat a lot more than normal. Normal is a lot so I don’t even know what to call the last few days. I’ve almost gotten into car accidents from looking at them lately. Not that funny but eerily true.
Common mistakes:
A lot
Ar
Christopher Columbus discovered America
Steve Martin still makes funny movies, by my count Father of the Bride II was the last
Watermelon are loved by black people
Guys want to be friends
Other people’s cultures are cool
Smoking cause lung cancer which ultimately kills people, really it’s AIDS that come from all that cool sex smoking brings. Cause smoking is cool
A woman’s face doesn’t matter is her body is “aight”. Ugly people are gross.
Sex is better than taking a $#!T. Last I checked, $#!T was expecting anything from you just effort
Bologna is meat… just plain gross is what it is
A prisoner would have to kill you before he takes your manginity. In truth he just knocks you out and you wake up in pain. Plus semen is falling out of you… or so my friend Wilhite the prison guard has told me
MMMMkay, I’m gonna go cause if I don’t get up and walk around I’m gonna fall asleep. Again…
Laters
As I get ready to make my way down to the Arlington Drafthouse tonight I’m a lot calmer than normal. The past two times that I went to the Improv for the competition I believe I kind psyched myself up too much, WAY too much the first time. In retrospect, I wasn’t ready the first time, I knew that going into the last time. Last time I was in with Jason Weems and Nick Mullen. Weems killed it just like everyone expected him too, and Mullen killed too without making his jokes any more politically correct or less offensive than any other time he’s onstage. I watched the tape that Deeley (Don’t F with Joe) taped and cringed at my set last February. With eight minutes on tape I started with laughs and then came two jokes that I no longer do after watching that tape. Lord knows how long I was telling the Magician and “Jesus wasn’t white” joke, but God… sometimes they got laughs though but definitely not that night. It broke my heart spirit when I didn’t even place. When they called Big Mike’s name I almost lost it, I told myself that even though Weems would win I was certain to at least place. Nope, and I was angry and bitter for a while. That’s about the time that I really started talking to the Fowlest. Because, unless I’m the only one, sometimes we need to speak freely about what we feel is going on and people have a tendency to judge you. God, I hope I’m not the only person in this wonderful loving community that has ever had something that might be considered “hating” to say. Like I said, I was bitter and had my ego crippled. Now over a year has gone by and I think I’m in a different place now. For starters, Jay made it so that it’s no longer a competition and now (with Allyson watching) all you have to do is be funny and not funny than. That’s all I ever really wanted, hopefully I’ll be funny. The Richmond Funnybone definitely gave me a boost in confidence since they showed me a lot of love, last Halloween was my first show there and I never would’ve guessed that I’d be making so many trips down after the disaster that show was. The Spy Lounge started last November and though it’s all Eli’s baby now it was really cool seeing a lot of familiar faces whenever I made it up there. I actually like telling a some of my jokes. Not to say there haven’t been moments where I’ve taken a step back “I don’t think you’re ready to host at the Improv”- Tim (at the time) Miller. Even though I might didn’t agree with that when he told me, it runs through my mind all the time. That was probably almost a year ago but it still runs through my mind. But no one says that kind of thing to people’s faces they usually let the wander. Which is why I respected that he told me that, I didn’t think he was trying to hurt my feelings it was just the two of us having a phone conversation. And since he’s working at the Improv and I’m not, I’ll take all the criticism I can get, but be careful anony’s… I’m sensitive. I hope tomorrow night is a blast, I’m sure it will be. The only part that I’ll miss about the old competition is that hallway that the main showroom has. Something about standing back by that curtain makes me feel like a kid again. Maybe if I get a few chuckles I can see that hallway again…
Not too long ago my sister ate some of my Macaroni and Cheese that my Granny made for me. I don’t play around when it comes to my Granny’s cooking and I was really shocked that when it was offered before I took it all, she had some. So here’s the plan: On a random day that I know my mother and sister are eating dinner I show up and ring the door. My mother will make my sister answer the door because “she said so”, as soon as she opens the door I b*tch slap her to the ground. I walk over her limp 12-year-old body towards the dining room. While my mother freaks out and doesn’t know what’s going on I grab the entire plate of food that my sister hadn’t gotten a chance to enjoy. I take the food back to my car. When stepping back over the kid’s body I turn and say “You never should have touched my Mac & Chee!” then I get in the car and drive home. The end.
The key to a man’s heart is buried deep within the genitals. It can only be reached with saliva… BeeeeJaaaayeeee! (To be pronounced Be-Jay-E)
You can’t hit a woman cause it’s illegal, but I’m pretty sure you can urinate towards her feet to shut her up. Unless you’re in public, which I’m pretty sure is illegal.
Nelson went to the hospital at 2:30 in the morning cause whatever he’s got came back way worse last night. He’s confident that it’s fleas cause someone told him they had fleas, which I think is moronic. If he had fleas shouldn’t I or better yet my dog? After waiting for 4 hours in the ER, they sent him home without a diagnosis but did tell him to “clean your room and wash everything in hot water. Your co-pay will be $100…” when you’re a doctor life must be sweet.
Apparently Jeff Bridges is reprising his role from Tron for the sequel. I wish I had seen Tron back in the day so I was excited. Though whenever “The Dude” shows us a new masterpiece far be it from this dude not to oblige.
After hearing Bow Wow and Soulja Boy Tell’em’s song Marco Polo I went out and slapped a tree with frozen meat. I needed to tenderize the meat and the tree seemed like a good idea but that song was TERRIBLE.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket. Should you find her the bounty is as follows: $10,000 dead and $500,000 if the corpse is still warm enough for… me. No questions.
Lately my eyes have been diverted to boob meat a lot more than normal. Normal is a lot so I don’t even know what to call the last few days. I’ve almost gotten into car accidents from looking at them lately. Not that funny but eerily true.
Common mistakes:
A lot
Ar
Christopher Columbus discovered America
Steve Martin still makes funny movies, by my count Father of the Bride II was the last
Watermelon are loved by black people
Guys want to be friends
Other people’s cultures are cool
Smoking cause lung cancer which ultimately kills people, really it’s AIDS that come from all that cool sex smoking brings. Cause smoking is cool
A woman’s face doesn’t matter is her body is “aight”. Ugly people are gross.
Sex is better than taking a $#!T. Last I checked, $#!T was expecting anything from you just effort
Bologna is meat… just plain gross is what it is
A prisoner would have to kill you before he takes your manginity. In truth he just knocks you out and you wake up in pain. Plus semen is falling out of you… or so my friend Wilhite the prison guard has told me
MMMMkay, I’m gonna go cause if I don’t get up and walk around I’m gonna fall asleep. Again…
Laters
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