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Just as good as a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

"Where you been?" I had hemorrhoids. "Oh."

I have been off doing I don’t know what for far too long. Where is the random non-sense that keeps two people on the edge of their seats and allows for elves to tuck their children in at night? We have much to go over, let it begin.

I’m older now, 27, so I’ve taken up going to check the mail with nothing but boxers on. The mailbox is quite a walk so I like to consider it a really long, boxer laden, Soul Train line. Except I don’t dance, I won’t do that.

June 3-5th I’ll be in Baltimore at the Comedy Factory opening for John Henton, you may know him as Overton from Living Single. I’m really excited for this; I’m hoping he’ll be down for posing with Chipotle burritos like we’re black secret agents on a burrito mission. I’ll settle for casual conversation though, let the games begin!

The DC 101 Chili Cook-off was out of control awesome. Let’s go over some things that happened on Saturday for those that chose not to rock out and eat like a gluttonous king: Half naked white women were everywhere, most of the men with them were wearing less than they were. There was so much chili I felt like Homer in Chocolate Land, I was so happy walking from place to place eating for freezies and grinning like the Cheshire Cat. Unfortunately, all of those little samples eventually made for a very full stomach. I’ll save a lot of details and say that I walked slowly to a port o’ potty and DESTROYED that thing. I was so ashamed, but I was definitely not going to sit down, no sir. There was Mary Jane everywhere and those it took Nelson (and *cough*) sometime to get into the mix of the hippie lifestyle, soon enough everything was in the sky. Nelson crowd surfed, I wish I could’ve brought myself to do that but I saw way too many people get flung into the mosh pit. Crowd surfing girls were groped (not by me) and then there was the naked old lady. A circle formed so this young lady could strip, cool, but then this old woman came out of nowhere and crashed that $#!T. She started with her top, unacceptable but not THAT bad in hindsight. Then as soon as I told myself “that’s enough” she peeled everything off and danced naked as a jaybird in that circle for the next five minutes. Stone Temple Pilots rocked! Switchfoot rocked! Cage the elephant rocked! I wish we could do it all over again, mostly because it would be Saturday all over again but I’ll wait a few more days.

I’ve gotten my chipped tooth fixed and though I’m slowly getting used to a normal-ish mouth, I kept clanking my teeth together the first day or two. It made eating a true struggle; can anyone guess what the first thing I was able to eat successfully was? Fried Chicken on Sunday, yep, it’s fate.

I’ve been carrying around this picture of a handicapped kid that been making me laugh, normally I would feel bad about that but she is hilarious. And I never grow tired of people reactions when they get confirmation that the little girl in my picture album is in fact handicapped. Ah, the best things in life are free. I would put her up here, but that would be tasteless.

Springtime means people are hooking up like jackrabbits. Normally I would be bitter, but I’m happily in my own little relationship, so I’m right there with the birds.

Dear John Legend: What the hell are you waiting for, I need new mood music and I’ve played Trey Songz new album so much I hear “Yuuuup” in my nightmares. Sincerely, Bill Clinton

I can’t wait to try this new pro-slavery joke I thought of last night. In 2 of 3 attempts in my mind, I see a bottle getting hurled at my face. But that magical third reaction of laughter is the one I’m hoping is realized. I just have to wear white face while I tell it.

Praise be to the wolf! It’s been awhile since he was given his due so I had to backtrack for a second. Moving on…

Is it weird to find a wedgie sexy? Of course not, nah.

I wish genies were real so I could make wishes. Oh, you’re curious? Well, if I only get three: 1) A Chipotle bag that will always have food in it when I’m hungry. 2) A dragon that loves me and will always obey my every command. 3) The ability to grow the world’s most magnificent facial hair.

You’ll notice that I didn’t ask for millions, with a dragon at my disposal the money will never be a problem. “Give me all the money in your safe! You’re about to get torched back to the Stone Age by my dragon Sean Connery (wuh? I liked Dragonheart) if I don’t see all the gold! Hahahahahaha!”

WWDC is so close now I can hardly wipe my own bottom, new iPhone and OS 4!

Okay, I’m out for a little bit, but I’m going to attempt to do this a little more often. Jaaam!

LOST series finale > 24 series finale, both will be missed sorely. Monday and Tuesday have lost their purpose…


Friday, May 07, 2010

Maple leaves smell a lot like cannibusSo, it’s been awhile, how was Canada? Let’s recap but I’ll make this fun rather than a seven page report of the

Koala bears aren't in Canada, but he makes laugh so I wanted you to see it. It's been awhile, how was Canada? Let’s recap but I’ll make this fun rather than a seven page report of the happenings. Ahem:

- I had to leave my favorite cologne at security in Reagan Nat’l Airport because I’m retarded and didn’t remember liquids are essentially a bomb. My mistake.
- Along with my deodorant and cologne the d’bag security guy also took both copies of my letter
stating my purpose in Canada. I worried but I’d have bigger problems trying to enter Canada than
- Canada is pretty strick on letting criminals into their country. I didn’t consider myself a
criminal until they reminded me that I stole something from Circuit City when I was 19 and though it was wiped from my record (it was a video game, yep) it was still theft. My possession (also removed from my record) was of no concern. I had to pay $200 for a rehab permission slip that allowed me in,
or I had to hop back on a plane to the states.
- My hotel was way better than I expected, I was prepared for slum and got a nice Hilton, who
- I have never been offered a “smoke” so many times in my life! It was awesome how they think
nothing of something that is still not that accepted here, those people don’t even put cologne on after hot boxing. That was the hardest thing about leaving, and the comedy.
- Hot women were everywhere. What? I honestly wasn’t expecting that.
- I cleaned up in Blackjack, which was awesome since I lost a lot of money very quickly in
- Any Asian that goes missing here should probably have a search party in Canada, they’re
- While being driven to the second hotel I had to check into our driver got pulled over.
She found out, just like we did, that the car she was given to drive us in was not registered. It hadn’t been for five years, and she had an outstanding warrant. Luckily, unlike the other two comics in the car I
wasn’t heading to the airport and had nothing but time. We ended up standing on the side of the road for a minute waiting for someone else to come pick us up.
- I was unaware so many people were eating Bison meat. I’m not that much of animal
sympathizer but Bison is definitely on that list of animals I won’t eat. Not when there are fruit roll ups or cows still walking the earth.
- There was a blizzard one day, I enjoyed that thoroughly.
- I drank a Red Bull the size of a thigh on Sunday night.
- There were no Chipotle’s…

Well, with that let us continue with our weekend (perhaps see Iron Man 2) and we'll start brand new and fresh on Monday.

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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