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Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Yeah my D*CK is out, I'm starting a trend!!!

On Friday I attempted to go on a date, but instead ended up on a weird double-non- indecisive- dating- “Thing”, it was that kind of night. It starts with a haircut and ends with a very high viewing of Horton Hears a Who. I really don’t even feel like going through the entire story so let’s do a highlight thing: When getting ready for a date with my new “Miss” , traffic was kind of a bastard and not cooperating with me at all. All I wanted to do was get a haircut and then get on with my night. I send out the text “How much time do you need to get ready?” Plans have changed now, she picked up her gay best friend because she thought I was standing her up. I wasn’t too upset, I need to pick up Mary (wink) at a friend’s house. I think that date is over so I proceed to plan a guys night… she calls back and still wants to work out plans. I really didn’t want to wheel along for the gay version of Three’s Company, but I actually like her so… I grab my Nelson and head for Fairfax. Nelson is not gay but a friend willing to shield me from some of that while I get my mack on, oh slang. I’m very down with people being gay or anything they want to be, doesn’t bother. They thought I might be homophobic since I fought coming out a bit. I’ve seen plenty Sex and the City which makes me hip, and perhaps that pretty show with pretty people got my mind in the wrong place. I was expecting a gay man that could possibly turn a straight man. But that fairy tale was shattered and raped when I saw a very unattractive man with boobs standing next to my date. I almost felt gay because I judged him quicker than most women probably judge men, and felt bad that he wasn’t prettier for Nelson. Not in a gay way, but I did bring the Asian out and “for that?!” The place we all met at was pretty “Skeevy” so we booked it to a place I’d heard of… Fast Eddie’s. I thought that this place was going to be the Chuck E. Cheese’s of pool halls but “OH” I was mistaken. We were greeted by a hostess that anyone would kidnap just to spend time with. She walked us back to our table where skinheads were playing on the table next to us. A Filipino, a black TRich, black woman, and her gay-UGLY-chubby black man friend… I could smell confrontation even though it couldn’t be seen. Fortunately, I was wrong and they allowed us to play untouched by a fist of judgement. On several occasions I saw “the gay friend” dance: Beyonce’s Put A Ring On It, I’m every woman (Capella), Britney Spears (a song I’m not familiar with), etc… needless to say, I was pretty focused on the actual pool game. Did I mention I suck at pool? Found out my new woman-friend is not an alcoholic, one drink and the grinding begun. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. At some point they wanted to go “clubbing” which is not really my thing. They both got really excited when the idea got brought up and threw the energy ball over to me. I killed the energy ball with a blunt statement:
Woman: “You wanna go to DC and hit up some bars and clubs?”
Tyler: “No.”

That was it, and I had to turn and whisper to Nelson not to burst into laughter.

Sunday I went to Ben’s Chili Bowl, appearance aside, that is the best damn chili dog I’ve ever had in my life.

24” rims… just thought I’d remind some of you what ballin’ starts with.

Last Friday my section went out to Red Lobster. A woman in my dwindling little group was telling me she always wanted to try lobster, I told her to jump on it, we had the perfect opportunity to try something. She didn’t want to waste her meal, she proposed I give her some of my lobster. I told her, flat out, I would not be sharing any of my food. I don’t even share/ eat after/ split my plate with my mother, I’m not even considering anyone else’s germs. You want fries get fries, get it? The whole meal (and I had the ULTIMATE FEAST, so it was a long meal) she made cute comments about how great it would be to have some. I laughed and stuffed my face more. Someone tried giving advice on how to eat Snow crab legs, she used the phrase “if you wanna let me get one I’ll show you how I do it…” I replied “Oh, no thanks, I got this…” The story took a twist when Secret Santa came around. The first woman who wanted the lobster was my Santa, she got me everything I asked for and spent more than the limit we set for everyone in the group. I felt like a d*ck, cause I was one. I tried offering some Cheesecake, but it was too late.

Today, I am at work. I have never wanted to roll over and go back to sleep so bad in my life. I’ll make it, we’ll make it.

Tropic Thunder is the most quotable movie of the year. As an example I simply bring up that the Fowlest and I have been texting quotes from the movie for over a week now. “I’m a lead farmer muthaf*cka!”

Favorite Line of the Week:
“We should call in sick tomorrow, you can stay in bed. I’ll come over and cook for us and then we can go back to bed and you can show me some movies. We’ll run around without clothes and take your dog for a walk… What do you think?”- Woman talking to TRich.

You have to know the response: “Hmm, oh you were serious? I’ve already got a lot of leave being used over the next couple of months so I can’t. Sorry, maybe in February…”- TRich , a spontaneous gentleman

Babygirl, from the summertime, is back… and gained weight. Thanks Jesus!

Kevin bought Nelson and I “DAS BOOTS!!!” like in the movie Beerfest. It took a six-pack to fill Nelson’s boot. I had to work today so declined to get alcohol poisoning on a Monday night. Nelson was completely wasted by the time that boot was half gone. He finished it, and passed the f*ck out. Merry Christmas Nelson.

February, Richmond Funnybone… thank God.

Today was the first time I had to say this in my life: “I can’t come over there just yet, (why) because I was having some memories that were a little graphic and I need a minute...” Not that I should have to say why I couldn’t stand up, but I was thinking of getting a good JOB done… on my wenis.

I think for someone with wandering eyes like me it’s best to fake astigmatism early into relationships. I can’t stop looking at asses. I’m like some wolf that’s thin and starving, all I want to do is bite something. (Howl’s at the moon from his cubicle)

In case I don’t get to say it, Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays to everyone! Peace and happiness are all I wish for you guys and let’s see what 2009 smells like. Bet it smells like Beefaroni…

Laters/ Peaces

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

That is snow on your shoes, I don't care if it tastes salty!

So here we are, it’s Tuesday again! UGGGGGGG!

New camcorder means new videos, oh the thinks you can think. That was always my favorite Dr. Suess book as a kid, yours? Riding with Strangers returns (Nelson thought up that name for the ensemble of himself, Kevin and I) and the ideas tickle me about as much as the new jokes I’ve written. Awkward stares, slapstick and a ton of swear words… I almost cam… never mind, I did.

My grandmother gave me porn last week and I too lazy to check to see if I wrote about that last week. Getting rid of smut, she knew one man who wouldn’t be able to turn it down… ahem. When she handed it to me I reacted as I normally do to smut, I started reading the back and trying to gauge if I would like it. About two words in it dawned on me, looking at porn (or just the box) in front of my grandmother was weird. I quickly flipped it over and got ready to stuff it in my bag-o-smut. While stuffing I swore I saw, in big yellow letters “TRANNY”… I let out a scream. “NO!!!!!” Granny naturally wondered why I let out that man-scream. I told her that if she had any tranny porn I was not interested and reached for the DVD, upon a second sneak peek at the cover (cause you never know what picture could be on the front of tranny porn) it actually read “Me So Yummy”. I overreacted, I apologized and continued to collect porn. The End…

Actually, let me just say, it is pretty unsettling watching something that you know your grandparents have watched. And, most likely watched it naked… UGGG! There was no jerk to those films, and to be honest I haven’t gotten the courage to put in another video after Nelson and I watched “Holes on a Hoe”… yep, that was the title.

New Year’s Resolution 2009: Build a time machine. It’s been the same since I saw Back to the Future II as a kid, and will remain that way til’ the day I die.

Although, if I was actually able to go back in time, even if only for 2 minutes, hear would be my message: “Little Deaven (yeah, that’s my name), never tell a girl you like her, you’ll get a lot more that way. Stop speaking your mind so much, especially in school, no one cares what you think but your mom. Kiss ass a lot more, you suck at it in the future! Could get you far in comedy if you get to it right off the bat… couldn’t hurt right? Lastly, learn to be cheap before you’re 23, you had a serious problem.”

I saw the Pursuit of Happyness last night and damn that Will Smith, I want to hate on him but he’s too talented. (sigh) I’m still not going to give a single minute of my life to Hancock though, that $#!T is trash.

While in the grocery store (I would never make these stories up, life is just too funny as it is) on Sunday Nelson and bore witness to something truly ignorant. We’re standing in line and someone hopped on the Announce system and said “I love FRIED CHICKEN”. No one really reacted, probably cause they thought they were above giving FRIED CHICKEN a response. I chuckled a little just because that’s a sign of a worker that really doesn’t know what is and is not appropriate. About 30 seconds later while any looks and chuckles over the last comment are fading to nothing we get blessed with the coup…. “GOD D_____T!” (Using what little faith I allow people to know I have, I refuse to blaspheme) I erupted into laughter that doubled me over. I don’t know why it’s so funny to me, but it was so awkward, I’d be crazy not to laugh. There were only two reactions in the supermarket, either you were laughing or you were uptight and genuinely upset that some kid swore like that for everyone to hear. Nelson laughed so hard that the stuff in his hands got loose and went rolling to the floor. Perhaps it was just that people were genuinely happy since it’s the holiday season, but it was great. Then we went home, drank beer and watched the video game awards. As proven by Tropic Thunder, Jack Black is funny again… even if you’re older than 5.

Tomorrow is yet another “spend money on your co-workers” day, just have to make it to Friday and then I’m home FREE (see how I stressed free, never mind, in hindsight it’s not as witty as I thought).

A Charlie Brown Christmas has been getting me through the last couple of days, since I watch it on repeat all day on the ol’ iPod. It almost makes me feel like a child again just watching it, what makes you feel that way.

I have the strange urge that I’m supposed to be a dad… perhaps my body is reacting weird to no “MJ” in a couple of weeks. I’ll take care of that soon enough.

Enjoy your Tuesday, Sean I feel like crap for missing out on the poop joke. Today is my last final though, we’ll run into each other sooner than you think. Unless you think tonight, cause then I can’t make it.


Wednesday, December 10, 2008

"Wow, you look great today! I wish I'd worn underwear..."

My mother called the other day to leave me a message, a message that she could sing. I listened to the first verse of “If I was a boy”, I already knew my Mom couldn’t sing but sometimes we have to sit back and enjoy these moments of insanity and treasure them. One day I won’t be able to receive voicemail from her like that and I reminisce on that moment. I saved the voicemail…

I’m pretty sure that a girl in one of my classes is attracted to me as much as I am to her. The problem: She has a rash on her leg that she says is a bug bite. I can’t ask her on a date because I’m afraid there will be more in other places. What a twisted web we weave.

Yesterday’s Text From THE FOWLEST: _____ _____ is a c0ck.

I replied “YES”, and that was all of our communication last night. Sometimes you don’t need a conversation, just to agree on something. Right?

It was one of the bigger holiday parties yesterday and a lot of people brought food, I don’t cook so I brought “store bought” cupcakes. People ate up other people’s home cooking and only touched three of MANY cupcakes. I have small issues with eating other people’s cooking so I was skeptical about trying a bunch of the food. I was right not to dive right in to the pool of THE UNKNOWN. I stacked my plate with about 6 or 7 things and made my way back to my seat. First I tried the Macaroni and Chee(se) then made my way to something that looked like a Taquito. It was not a Taquito. I chewed what people were calling “egg rolls” for about 15 minutes then decided I was done eating. Just… plain… nasty. That’s really the only way I can describe it. Ugg, and worst of all is that the person who made “the egg rolls” won the vote for best side dish, more importantly MONEY!

Something good that did come of it was that people who don’t work together were given a chance to get to know each other for CASH MONEY. The three teams under one boss (33 of us) all listed a fact that people don’t know about you and there was a game to see who could match up the most people to facts. Surprisingly, I came in tied with two other for 1st place, with nine answers right. Sad but true, even sadder is that one of the people tied with me was my supervisor. Everyone kept asking me if my fact was “I used to drive around with a Amish beard on”, to which I replied “no”. I was lying, but it really bothered me that a group full of strangers pegged me so easily. Ho hum…

My new dress shoes hurt because they aren’t broken in, I would do just about anything not to have to walk. If only I could get around on my palms dragging my feet behind me like I just got chopped in half. But that’s not very professional, plus these pants are too money to be dragged. Maybe if I got a really fat guy to carry me, hmmm.

I had some grape soda earlier, and died a little inside. Oh stereotypes…

Well folks, in just a few months now my contract runs out with T-Mobile. Then it’s off to AT&T for the love of my young life, the iPhone. I’m going to buy it and immediately shove it right down my pants to show my balls some style. Let everyone else in the store be jealous and let the clerk ask me to leave. What a day it will be when my baby and I are finally together. I’ve avoided touching on just so the whole experience is completely new and orgasmic, like it out(ta)… to be. I find it funny that everyone that doesn’t have the scrote to jump to AT&T (or just feels like they don’t want to become like the mainstream people) gets a knock off iPhone. Call them what you want, but Instinct, Blackberry Storm, LG Whatever-the-F*ck and the list goes on and on; these phones are nothing more than a hand job from a fat girl when perfectly good sex is right around the corner. Don’t cheat yourself, treat yourself… Eli!

I normally high five beautiful women just to interact, but lately I sniff/lick it afterwards. I swear these women must think I’m gay cause they never freak out, they just laugh and take it in stride. What does it take to qualify for sexual harassment in this new millennium? Must I become a casual ass slapper?!

I’ve really be wanting to call someone a scallywag lately. That is all.

I was just remembering how unfunny Get Smart was, seriously, don’t rent that movie. And if you bought it I have great news, Blockbuster is now allowing people to trade stuff in. Take that $#!T back right away.

Gonna go but I feel like comedy tonight, thank God, and have no other plans.


Monday, December 08, 2008

It'll be a while til we say hello again "Juice"

I spent the day throwing up, it was my own fault so don’t feel pity for this guy. Friday I was determined to eat the remaining Thanksgiving leftovers that I had in the fridge. Problem was that I got caught up drinking Absinthe and forgot that I left all that meat (and greens) laying out on the counter. Well, after running many errands and shopping the day away on Saturday I got home and decided to eat them before I had to throw them out. That was the mistake, I still had a complete order from Chipotle sitting in the fridge, there was no need to bottom feed. So, how did I wake up on Sunday? Puking my f’n brains out, it continued every 20 minutes for about 5 hours. That was more than I have ever vomited in my life, and to be honest “It made me want my mommy”. Sometimes it’s nice to be doted on hand and foot when you have an ouchie. But sadly, I’m a grown man so I laid there miserably and let my dog comfort me with hypnotic songs. He sang Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd that would make you shed a tear.

I’m dead sexy, that is all.

Movie Reviews:
WANTED – Any one that said this movie was not that great should be immediately slapped to the ground. I rocked your socks off and then rocked some more. My friend Mike complains that he never wants to see any more Angelina Jolie movies because she always plays the same character now (bad ass chick fighter woman). To that I say SLAP, I wish the young man in the film many more since I loved the way he portrayed his character, he went from wimp to weapon. The pacing did not feel rushed and God bless them, they even gave you Morgan Freeman (and more Freeman than Evan Almighty, that’s what would have helped that unfunny movie). A+

Get Smart- Perhaps I’m partial to the Office, but I saw the 40 year old Virgin before I ever saw an episode of the Office. With that said Steve Carrell pretty much ALWAYS disappoints in theaters. Anchorman doesn’t count since that (aside from Daily News) kinda put him on the map. Dan in Real Life, Little Miss Sunshine (the movie was great but he certainly didn’t stand out), Bewitched and the list goes on and on. But, to Get Smart’s credit I did laugh a few times but damn it could have been better. Anne Hathaway could not be finer though, very few people are in the category of “I’d drink their toilet water” but… C

I have not slept with a woman wearing a wig yet, with that said the thought kinda creeps me out. We’ll just see where that ends up, cause everything else appears to be quite do-able. “Will our courageous hero muster up the strength to bang the wig off this big chested Jezebel?” Stay tuned for further episodes of The Blessed Rod and the Girls…

Video Game Review:
The Prince of Persia- “That $#!T was STRAIGHT SEX!!!” – Chuck Norris A+

Christmas Wish List:
The pubic hair of the Incredible Hulk (none of your business why I need that)
Tears of newly crippled beautiful woman
The bottled laughter of a rapist
Jerked Chicken (what, that’s funny to me)
A mini dance featuring Jermaine Fowler (his little dances always make me chortle)
Mom’s love, accompanied by her money
Grandma’s cooking, then a peek at that will
A toke with Grandpa, I’m a little pissed that I never got to do that
Foghat marathon of songs on XM Radio
Anne Hathaway as a slave, you beautiful big eyed temptress
Video Feed of Eli sleeping, no questions
To write a funny joke
A new Jake Young hat, doesn’t matter which one, the man has taste
Chris Barylick to date a model, the gift of giving is the best gift of all lastly…

On Saturday I actually heard a man yell “Well no one will give me a loan cause I’m a dead beat and I don’t pay my bills on time!” Couldn’t have wrote it better.

For the first time ever, a mechanic hooked me up last week. He said come on in and we’ll take care of that and followed through on it. It saved me $400 and probably the life of small child. Cause if I had to pay that money I was gonna pick some kid up and punt him the ever loving sweet $#!T out of him.

Gonna go now, but keep smiling, tomorrow The Dark Knight comes out on Blu-Ray and DVD!!!!


Thursday, December 04, 2008

And the band plays on...

It’s that special time of year so let’s have a special holiday (Christmas, what, I’m Christian) poem!

There are no lights and every morning I step on mice
It’s Christmas in the Ghetto tonight
Can’t afford my gift so my girlfriend picked a fight
It’s Christmas in the Ghetto tonight
Urine is cleaned from sheets while I call the fat freak
And when she arrives I stare deep in her eyes
I give a kiss on the cheek because slept with my friend Meeks
It’s Christmas up round this b!tch
A tic-tac for supper and pickles in Smuckers
No tears for the homeless, cause Santa’s a coming
So grab a child tight, even if it’s not yours, it’s alright
Cause when Santa comes he’s gonna want a snackrifice
Holy $#!T, it’s Christmas alright

How is everyone, if there is indeed anyone still out there? Boredom is not performing, sadness is when you think about the last time you thought of a bit and can’t recall. Shame is having people continually talk to you about your drinking even though I’ve never stumbled out of a place. My awkward silences may not be for everyone but we perform what we believe is funny. Anger is not getting to tell certain people what you think about them to their face because in the end we all stand to gain something from everyone. Even if we can’t see it yet. One day ­______ may save my life, _____ __. may rescue my mother from a burning building and Curt Shackelford… well, I honestly don’t have anything for that one,“I you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all”.

Life is busy, I hate busy, the only time I’ve ever liked busy when was comedy was involved. It almost makes you feel important even though you’re not, yet. Jermaine is busy (yes I called him by his government name, the Fowlest) and I envy that. Without the occasional update on his life I think I’d begin to feel old. His texts always seem to come at times when I need them most. Last time I was naked in front of the computer waiting for www.youporn.com to finally upload the video I requested with a thick hipped Latina doing things I dare not describe… I’m trying to get my Christian on. God has blessed me, so I repay him by keeping that thought in front of my mind, with that said “The porn was taking forever and was in the one hand full, other hand on the lotion pose”. Then comes the text: ( Insert lyrics from Craig Mack’s FLAVA IN YA EAR) and there was much laughter. And you know what? The porn finally came through. None of that was true by the way, the naked part I mean.

Apparently I have a thing for Asian women, who knew. I was under the impression that I loved all women no matter what creed but upon a little research I made a discovery. When you pick apart the “slideshow” that we use “when we’re alone” my slideshow has a lot of Vietnamese in it. Hmmm.

While shopping for the winter wardrobe I saw more young women checking “ya boy” than ever. Boy I wish I wasn’t with my granny, no tail for me that day. Just a lot of Chipotle and a morning of the $#!TS. Oh Chipotle.

Manosaurus Rex, the latest of sweet things to come from Nelson’s lips. Other than the codeword to the missile silos.

Wall-E was so cute it can only be described as such. Cop that ish.

I bought new headphones, they make me look like Frankenstein except the bolts are coming out of my ears. Geek.

I’ve lost a lot of friends and acquaintances this year. That probably means I’m hard to get along with huh? I don’t think I’ve ever had a year where so many women wanted to be my friend before. I have got to work on that, cause no man wants to be a woman’s friend… unless he likes the c0ck. But these women approach me in most of the cases, I must have super friendly ears or something. I’d much rather they looked at me and saw “Douchebag”, but I guess I’m just old fashioned.

Old women seem to catch me looking at butts more than anyone else. Sadly, this one old lady seems to be attracted to that sort of behavior. I’m not attracted old ladies that snoop on young men’s eyes though. What a twisted web we weave.

I saw a kid fall down the steps the other day, just something that was worth bringing up. I laughed uncontrollably, but that was only awkward cause I still need to get past him and his family at the bottom of the stairs.

Before I was working out I never really noticed people tend to shove or touch my body in general A LOT. Do I also have a shove worthy face? If anyone suffers from the same sad fate, do what I did… the pecker slap.

They say the black the barry the sweeter the juice. I don’t want to go into any details about my field research, but that is not true. If anything, Barry tasted bitter and very salty.

No homo.

Coldplay was nominated for less Grammys than Lil Wayne, God please make the world make sense again!

Okay, I’m going to finish some of this… work, but we should really get together again. You have my number right? Look I know this was a little awkward but I’ve been out of the game for a little while and a second date will be much better I promise. I’ll pay, plus I’m sorry I read you that poem, I had no idea you were a born again Christian. It was supposed to be funny, sorry.


Wednesday, December 03, 2008

So... I have a child now. Ouch...

Can you really tell me you haven't missed our time together? Seems like I've been gone a lot longer than October, but snap. Honestly, I have no idea where I've been, I feel like working but that can't be right. They'll be time to write a great story tomorrow, don't forget about me. There will be dates for actual performances and punch and pie... stay with me. Tomorrow... gotta go meet a pretty for lunchens.


About Me

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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