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Just as good as a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.

Monday, February 22, 2010

A true story...

Gather children, for the story you are about to hear is completely true. You might notice that I have removed names from last week’s blog that way I can share a story about this weekend completely free of guilt. Our story begins on Friday night during the last show of the evening…

The headliner wants to do a shot, everyone raises their glasses and “cheers” were all around. Then came time for the second shot, I do not know if it came from the staff or from one of the many black people that he joked with. You see, even though he made a lot of stereotype jokes the black people all loved him; all but Jerome (that’s not really his name, but I don’t know it and I wanted to give him one). After the second shot things got pretty bad, I’m sure we’ve all gotten a peek at someone too drunk onstage and seen what it can become: Slurred words, forgetting jokes mid-joke, disorientation and even moving from conversation with the crowd mid-sentence. I can’t say it wasn’t somewhat enjoyable to watch but still, we’ve seen this before (some have even been the drunk… this guy). At one point he pulled his pants down, to his shoes exposing tighty whiteys, and I decided to get up go pee then. When I came back it was business as usual, but what blew me away was I felt like the only one that knew he was drunk. No nervous eyes darting around, no one really whispering “This guy is drunk” or anything like that. Then, somewhere around the time he should have been coming off, Jerome snapped and had enough. I’m going to put this in quotes but I’m paraphrasing; “Man you suck, this is terrible and you gay as f***!” This comment was met with “What do you do for a living?” Jerome didn’t care to answer that question though, I can only assume it’s because no one paid to see him do his job that night. The more they shot back and forth, the more Jerome said “YOU GAY! And you not funny!” which only made the comic say gayer things. I believe his response to “I’ma stick this bottle up your ass!” was “Oh yeah, well sing to me while you do it.” Sadly, that did make me laugh, it still does. A little more back and forth and now things are getting really awkward. Suddenly the headliner gets really upset and tells Jerome he doesn’t like him and sticks two middle fingers high and screams “F*** you!” The crowd goes wild and I was shocked they were still with him but that was the most noise they had made in a half an hour. Then he says that it was a case of a black guy trying to intimidate the little white guy on stage but that wasn’t going to happen. At that point several of the black people that were in love with him looked in my direction; I shrugged my shoulders, I didn’t know him. I was getting that feeling like a fight might go down because neither had anything better to talk about and sure enough Jerome says “So you want to take this outside then?” The comic tells him “No I don’t want to fight, I’m gonna talk $#!T up here and probably go run to the Hyatt and hide.” I laughed, and so did the crowd, because though Jerome was not a big man he was winning the fight (physically) in everyone’s minds. I believe it was late so I’m not sure about this part; there was an attempt to move on by the headliner. If that happened it was only for a minute or less, but then things got worse. Drunken anger can strike pretty quickly and suddenly a penis came out, that is when Jerome threw a full bottle up onstage and the comic bolted out of there. I was sitting next to the stage as the lights went up and the comic raced past me. The crowd was not moving, so I went up and gave a little “thanks for coming out… uh, have a good night.” It was the most awkward experience I have witnessed yet, I’m sure there will be worse along the years but for now that takes the cake. I want to thank everyone that played a part in that funny memory I get to hold onto forever, from the person who bought the shot to whoever gave Jerome his Amstel Light.

Well, after that little diddy I think I shall work and do this blog thing again for real tomorrow. Daddy’s got a new card now so I should be getting around a lot more, at least enough that I don’t have to introduce myself to every comic when I see them. Tee hee.


Friday, February 19, 2010

Everybody cries, and blogs

Well it’s been a long, somehow I deserved everything that came to me. Whenever bad things come my way I try to think of what could have possibly brought that negativity into my life. I’m deeply religious, despite what everyone who knows me seems to think. My mother taught me that you reap what you sow. The only thing I can think of is that I need to be a better person overall, because I’ve generally gone out of my way to let my actions show what my words do not. With that said, I’ll have a new car tomorrow and that means every excuse I had for not getting out enough to open mics will be gone. My grandma should come out of the hospital tomorrow provided doctors don’t decide she needs surgery, which is a relief because she’s my closest relative.

Well, I suppose I’m going to sulk some more so I’ll leave without whining too much but first let me leave you with a picture that tickles me…

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Fun things to do in the snow:

  1. Play the how long can you go without a shower game. Because who’s going to judge you right? I’m kidding, I rarely play that game.

  2. Download The League Season 1 from iTunes for $7.99, damn that’s a sale!

  3. (from Nelson in Virginia) Befriend a child in the neighborhood and get help removing your car from the huge bank of snow the plow drivers stacked behind your car. Once the child has worked for 5 hours give him a post-dated check. The best part was that the kid’s mom sent him back to get a check with the correct date on it, I couldn’t bring myself to answer the door so I laughed from seemingly nowhere.

  4. Don’t watch Saw VI. It was bad, and that comes from a true fan of the other five. Sigh, thank God the next one is going to finish off the story. It was just it’s time, it was just it’s time.

  5. F*** paying bills, buy candy. That’s a motto for snowy times.

  6. Stuff your face with Pizza Rolls and wake from a mini pizza coma to play 6 solid hours of DJ Hero. Some lucky lady out there has all THIS to deal with.

  7. While reaching from a remote, accidentally shard yourself. No further details, I’m just as shocked as you are.

  8. Become so self-absorbed that you shun family’s cries for help. “I’m not driving to the airport to dig Grandma out of the snow. I told her not to go visit her dying brother. (CLICK)”

  9. Watch the news, yeah, you heard me.

  10. Meet the African people in the apartment next to you. Explain to them that despite the loud and offensive (and generally gay) screaming they might hear coming from your place, you’re actually just a nice guy.

  11. Chicken, eat lots of chicken. Side note: I ate more Fruit by the Foot than I probably every have in my life within 72 hours.

  12. Write jokes, why is this so far down on my list?! I did watch quite a bit of stand up for spiritual guidance.

  13. Spend QT with your pet, even if it’s a chimp. Sometimes we take all that affection for granted, they can’t tell us they want to watch Parks and Recreation; we’re just supposed to know.

  14. Do something productive. I managed to wish upon a falling star, I never take time out to do that.

  15. Experiment with facial hair, for the last few days I was rocking the homeless adolescent. I had to shave when I returned to work this morning. Speaking of which, my employer hates us, why are we here? Thank goodness it’s all coming back in a few hours, jaaaam!

  16. Eat a peanut and butter sandwich, Nelson ate several… because he’s a glutton, but also because they’re delicious.

Well, if we do get more than a foot of snow like we’re supposed to I promise to have made a new video for some snowy entertainment. For now, I suppose I have to get back to work.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

It's blog lite- the free version!

Somehow a bunch of work grew legs and ran to my desk to die. I have to shovel all of this into the furnace on ground zero since it died in my space. Until we get a chance at a real blog tomorrow I figured why not do a smidgen of plugs:

Friday- Sabores

Feb. 10- Off the Wall has an open mic night? Apparently, I'm planning on wearing corduroy.

Feb. 18-20- Baltimore Comedy Factory (Paul Mercucio is headlining)

Mar. 3-7- Richmond FunnyBone (Aisha Tyler is headlining!)

Mar. 13- I'm in Nebraska, but why??? I'll tell once I'm there.

Mar. 26-27- Why on earth would I go to Atlanta? Hmmm.

Real blog dinner tomorrow, until then


About Me

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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