A husband in denial: “Damnit Susan, your mouth tastes distinctly like a condom. You’ve been gone all afternoon and I want to know where you were? Whole Foods?”
So, I’ve been drawing pictures of animals with genitals that are way too big lately. I know, Superbad was a long time ago but some stuff just is just funny. The problem with this type of behavior is that now I have friends requesting pictures. What do you say when you’ve supplied plenty of d*ck and the people want more? Tell them I’m not in the mood? Nope, I’m gonna buckle down and think of a cute woodland creature; then I’m gonna put a huge grown man d*ck on it.
I’m as giddy as a school man (I’m not a girl) about leaving the country. Not since I was a young boy leaving Germany (true story) have I been outside of the United States. I really need to travel some more, the next stop is Amsterdam. I need to find a new best friend the second I get there so I don’t have to be lonely and I have someone for foreign shenanigans. But Saturday seems like forever away so I’ll stay mentally here for the next few days.
I smell S’mores, but since I seriously doubt that I could walk around and find someone on the fifth floor in front of a fire holding a stick, I think it’s probably ethnic food. Gross.
Quote of the week (thus far): “That girl is so fine I’d like to walk over to her and just start singing an LL Cool J song. Hey luva, this is more than a crush…” – Nelson Sayson
When 24 actually ends, will they just have Jack Bauer blowtorch every bad person responsible for evil doing anywhere? He should be stopping people who are potentially evil from getting it on, since he won’t be here to kill their dictator of a child in 35 years. We’ll miss you Jack Bauer, I already do and you’re still here. Sigh…
Stephen Hawking has stated what I’ve always believed, aliens more than likely won’t be friendly. I’ve been up many a homeless person that told me they were aliens. Did I believe them? No, but just in case an alien was somewhat close by I wanted him to know to wear a cup.
Datpiff.com is the place where I’ve been getting all of my Curren$y mixtapes, I’m disappointed in myself for not listening to Hot Spitta earlier. If you like Lil Wayne’s work ethic, know that Curren$y put out 7 mixtapes in the last year and half, that’s free GOOD music. Please support real music.
Wedgie… got it.
I just ate some bacon that tasted like it was made from Kilwalksi the muscle pig. It was tough and had a jawline. I think I feel it flexing it’s way down my throat now, uh oh, sleeper hold!
Great, now I have Hey Lover by LL Cool J featuring Boyz II Men in my head.
The adventures of random dude: “I’ve never committed a crime, except for the time that guy was trying show off in front of his girlfriend and I stabbed him for stepping to me wrong. Other than that day; nothing.”
Skidamerinky dinky dink, skida f*ck that song. I never liked the Elephant Show.
I must go now, there are wrongs to right and sodas to sip on.
And here we are with what is sure to be a rainy Wednesday’s highlight: The story of Mabel, the big d*cked bear. And now, cue the theme music!
“There once was a sorcerer that got bored, so he decided to play He found a bear that was full of joy and decided to make him great He gave him genitals 50 times larger than were necessary It’s impossible for him to mate But don’t you cry, he’s got to much pride To let that ruin his day He’s Mabel, the bear with a really big d*ck He never swears, he’s got hugs to spare Cause with a d*ck this big who wouldn’t share”
Some have speculated that if you wander into the forest with a jar of marmalade that is aged just right, you’ll be in for a surprise. While there is no documented proof of Mabel, there have been many reports made to the Shingle Police Station of a bear with genitals the size of a dinosaur’s in the local park. Local police chief Johnson said “From what we hear, they are prank sized genitals, so large that people assume a friend is hiding behind a tree pumping this thing up with a bike pump or something. Hell most folks say he’s harmless, just stands there and lets you soak it all in. Most of em’ laugh stupid til he wanders away or run screaming from the thing. You should’ve seen this nun that wandered across it; white as a ghost when I found her. Only words she kept saying was BIG and Tali whacker; over and over again.”
It is believed that Mabel, the big d*cked bear, survives not on ordinary bear food supplies but picnic baskets. Wait… that’s Yogi, sorry one of the pictures sketched for Mabel has him dressed like Yogi the Bear with his “tali whacker” sitting in the potato salad. It’s really disturbing, and pretty funny. Anyway, Mabel does have a sweet tooth. This family says that he walked up, in broad daylight, and ate every snack they had in their camper. “Yeah, at first we were terrified, you know? A bear is right there in front of us and breathing real hard. I put myself in between the bear and my family so he could eat me and fill, that way he might only eat my wife and leave the children to tell the tale; he just walked right past me. First he killed off every Airhead that we had. Even the watermelon flavored disgusting ones got gobbled up. The whole time we’re watching him pilfer, I can’t help but notice that my daughter is gargoyle staring at the tree trunk this thing is dragging around with it. I was like someone just opened the arc of the covenant. Her eyebrows still have a lightning streak of white running through them. And, between you and I… it was beautiful.”
We only wish that we had the opportunity to catch this myth on tape. Hopefully Mabel is out there raising big d*ck little cubs, but we’re unsure of what kind of female bear it would take to mate with Mabel. Scientists claim that with his mythical shaft it would take a female bear 70 feet long to complete the mating ritual. I, for one, hope that she died quickly after what was surely a horrific scene that would make the Care Bears puke. Well folks, if you’re ever wandering through the forest without shoes on, and maybe you remembered you didn’t take that large jar of marmalade out of your backpack; or maybe you’re just eating hallucinogenic mushrooms. Please try and get a picture of our friend Mabel, let him know that we respect his genitals and would love to put them in a museum someday… him too.
Well here we are again, bloggin it up and making this holiday the very best 420 it can be. Hopefully everyone will get off that tush and come to Solly’s to celebrate this thing right… with a Miller Lite (wink).
I’m very excited to be headed to FunnyFest next Friday, I’m going to take WAAAY more pictures than I did in Nebraska. I don’t care if the only people over there are 70 year old hippies offering some peace-pipe-age. I’m also very excited to worry about nothing but performing for a week or so.
For the show featuring Josh Scott, Tim Miller and Courtney Fearrington; I just learned that I am allowed to wrestle with a bear even though I have no previous fight experience. Friday May 14th at Fort Belvoir, time is a mystery but I’m sure I’ll have it soon. It’s gonna be crazy!
I’ve been thinking that I may be able to get onto a Shackleford show with a disguise, like a 1930’s mustache. I’ll follow up once I’ve done the field work. I’m kidding, that’s a waste of my guess, he’ll know its me.
I sent an inappropriate picture of a bear with a big wenis to all of my friends. Immaturity only exists if you believe you have something beneath you. I am not bound by this electrical tape called pride.
I saw Kick Ass and guess what… I’m not going to say it. Just go see this movie.
Beans are not a magical fruit. They make dates very uncomfortable; or so I hear.
Alright, I hope to see everyone around and can't wait til tomorrow when I write a real blog. Jaaam!
I’m as hard as a brick, I kid, I just wanted to get your attention. Now that I have it let’s jump into this pool of random shall we? Ah ah, take off those band-aids. If one of the children get hold of those they’ll try to eat scabbing out of the gauzy part. Now then…
Rick Ross haunts my nightmares like Freddy Krueger, the only difference is that Rick Ross isn’t there to kill me. Generally he just stumbles around my dreams looking for a woman named cheeseburger. I hope he finds her so he can get the hell out of there and I can get back to my dreams of world domination. Maybe I should go to sleep with a cheeseburger clenched in between my thighs and I’ll take it with me to my dream world. Yeah!
I’m seeing someone right now that makes me very happy, the ultimate test for me of how much we have in common will be when she is forced to watch one of the adult cartoons I hold dearest. If she laughs at Frisky Dingo then I might have to make her a sammich right then… and I don’t make anyone sammiches.
Everyone is coughing and hacking like they’ve caught the bubonic plague. All I have to defend against them is a bottle of Instant Hand Sanitizer. If this were a video game I would charge someone when they coughed and squirt this crap down their throat. They would fizzle and turn into coins and I would collect them until I got to the castle where my princess is being held captive. Instead I’m sitting here reapplying more and more every time I hear a scary whooping cough. Good times…
I saw Brandon Warbell stab a homeless man that asked him for change on Saturday night. Don’t let that get back to him, I’d prefer to live through 2010. Don’t be fooled by his innocent face, he keeps a butterfly knife in his pocket, I’ve seen it.
Every Friday should end with Sean Paul Ellis and his lovely wife Kim. They’re so happy I swear they can’t be real… come to think of it I’ve never seen either one of them in front of a mirror. Dracula!
It’s a Chipotle day! (also known as a weekday) I’m going to send Ahmed a picture with me eating it that way if he’s eating a stalk of celery or something he can sigh and know I’m having a blast. Yaaaam!
Kanye West, what the hell happened to you? Please just make a true follow up to Late Registration. We miss you
I had a blast at the Velvet Lounge on Friday! Eli was incredible (someone choked to death during his set, Andy was phenomenal (the fans just grabbed him and forced him to crowd surf) then Seaton came and set the place on fire (literally, I’m pretty sure the police are looking for him). It was awesome and I was thrilled to have been there to check IDs with the bouncer.
Merry Thursday everyone! Last night at Soundry’s was fun, I got to eye hump some picture of a bubble butted woman. Jaaam!
The joke writing machine continues, I have never written so many in such little time… I feel like every other comic now! I wish I had thought of something new tonight but perhaps it will come to me between now and 7 O’ Clock. Something to do with hyena meat, the clock is ticking.
The iPhone will finally be able to multi-task. Uh oh, the floor beneath me is coming apart, AH! OMG: TRich: Who is that? What’s going on? Dark figure: I’m here to claim what is rightfully mine. T: What does that have to do with me? OH NO, are you… Both: Satan! S: Come with me, you begged for multi-tasking and whined like every other Apple fan boy. Well you have what you crave, now I want your soul. T: What happened to my wish for a million dollars when I was eight years old? S: I can’t grant every wish that is thrown out into the universe. T: Well a lot of other people asked for the same thing. Why aren’t you coming for them? S: Because someone has to be made into an example! T: What about Nelson or Sean Paul Ellis? They would both use this ability a lot more and probably wanted it a lot more. S: Hmm… well, I guess; NO! I won’t be swayed or bargained with. Now get in the sack! T: You don’t have a car or an elevator? Jesus. Jesus: Yes my son. T: Look, I may have exaggerated and sold my soul for Apple to allow the iPhone to have multi-tasking. But you know me, I go overboard quite a bit. J: You will always be my child, and when your times comes to leave this planet you will come with me not him. S: FINE! Hey kid, give me those guy’s addresses you mentioned before. T: Gotta pen? S: No, I was hoping you did. T: Then f*** off. Hey Jesus, can I have a peek at Heaven? J: Sure, hop in the sack. T: I guess no one has a car or an elevator… J: You can wait for your look at Heaven, maybe when you get here you won’t be such a smug jerk. T: That wasn’t very nice. J: Sorry, I missed LOST the other night and I’ve been taking it out on everyone. T: Me too, no worries J man, we’ll both see it eventually. J: Peaces TRich. T: Peaces Jesus. Hey Satan… S: Yeah. T: F*** off, what are you still doing here? S: I really hate you. T: Back at ya Satan, back at ya.
I had way too big a grin writing that, thank goodness no one at work peeked over my shoulder to see. How could they treat me like a normal individual after finding out how truly strange I am? But the trick is to embrace it, never run from it.
I’m leaving work now so I’ll see whoever is out at Hot Broth tonight and tomorrow at 3 Chord Comedy at 7 PM! Just do it!
If you haven’t heard, 3 Chord Comedy will be on Friday at the Velvet Lounge at 7 PM! Who’s performing you ask? Welp, there’s Eli Sairs (who’s known to rock a microphone), Andy Kline (I’ve never seen him smack a woman, making him the nicest pimp ever) and Seaton Smith (who’s in the Staff Pick’s on Rooftop Comedy right now, thanks Twitter). Someone in there I also fit, I just wasn’t sure where but I’m looking forward to the whole shibangy-bang.
I’ve really had fun with the word “sammich” today. It’s just the really ignant (ignorant) way to say sandwich but I feel like it gets a bad and pitiful look as soon as it comes out of your mouth. I gave the same look to a co-worker when I heard “That’s an extra fiddy cent.” I was so disappointed in her, she knows better.
Hold me now, I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking… yeah, I listen to Creed. You gotta a problem with that? Hold me now…
Don’t you just love when a stereotype comes to life? (He takes a big bite of watermelon)
I look forward to seeing whoever is at Soundry tonight, Solly’s was a blast last night. But then again, anytime you get to see Ahmed dance it’s a good night. He’s a day older today, don’t let him forget it. Birthday licks… (applies his chapstick)
I have to cut my nails, I have a Freddy Kruegger thing going on right now. This afternoon I slipped into someone’s dream and forced them to watch Season 1 of Mind of Mencia until they jumped off a building. And now I’m off to buy Season 2, someone must pay…
I’ve been a twittering fool lately, I really need to work. To think I was so against it for a long time.
Well, since I’m all caught up with my work I’ll be able to write a good nonsensical story for tomorrow. For now…
3 Chord Comedy, April 9th at 7! Eli Sairs, Me, Seaton Smith and maybe there will be punch and pie. For $4, it’s gonna be $9 funny, just c’mon!
I had a blast Wednesday night in the Hoff theater at UMD with Justin Cousson and Reggie Watts. It sucked that I had to leave early but I caught enough to hold my sides for awhile. It was a good a Wednesday as I could’ve hoped for, and I got a tape that shows a bunch of students booing me before I even walked onstage. All in good fun though, I loved it, plus they cheered at the end.
I’m excited about the chili cookoff, should be fun and I’ve always wanted to go but never got off my butt to buy a ticket. I did attempt to go last year but the tickets sold out before I tried to buy mine. But not this year, and anyone that wants to come please reach out, the more the merrier.
Yesterday I ate a Subway Chicken Bacon Ranch sandwich I got on Monday. I’m waiting for it to really kick in, but I know it’s going to make my day a nightmare. Pray for me…
Damn you Justin Timberlake, why is any song you’re on so addictive. No homo…
I saw a really funny guy from NY with a majestic beard at Solly’s on Saturday. His jokes stayed with me for a day or two but his beard haunts my dreams. I wish he would come back.
I went ice skating at an arena that was jam packed full of Asians last night. It was interesting and there were many comical falls, including by my partner who Superman’d the ice several times. One time I attempted to turn around but had too much momentum for a novice like myself and just kept going saying “OOOOOH!” while I had one leg in the air sailing along. Good times.
I really enjoy being back out, I’ve missed it all and everyone. Enough sap, I need to write two more jokes by Monday.
I have to step into a meeting to sleep publicly, but I’ll be seeing everyone around. Enjoy the weekend!
I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.