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Friday, July 31, 2009

Happiness

Today I’m happy
It’s not that I was unhappy yesterday
I am no better today than I was before

My cheer is not because of anyone
But everyone that I get to share this joy with makes my own a little better
That is the only way I know how to spread my joy with the world

I feel genuine sympathy for those that cannot see reasons to smile
Has life gotten so momentarily chaotic?
A bad day is just a good one with a few lumps in it

Challenge yourself not to complain today
Say seven nice things today
Say seven nice things to seven different people

What comes back is the same joy you get when you hold the door open
You reap what you sow
So, if you never stop to help others what do you think is coming to you?

By reading this far I believe the seed has been planted
Your problems are temporary
Life is long, just pause for a second and see

Have a great weekend, be safe and be happy.
Peaces

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

So, you're wearing the tube socks you spank into?

Ironing naked is a mistake. All that steam and dangly parts don’t mix. Yet every few months I have to find out the hard way all over again. One day my laziness will kill me.

Nelson has given the world the phrase “time rapist” and it really does sum up someone that f*cks the $#!T out of your time. I for one am bitter that I have to go to some bumpkin town (Winchester, VA) to go over disaster recovery strategies at noon. All because there was a surge and my headquarters was without power one day last summer. A year later my time is being forced to bend over and pick up a penny while a rapist waits… and salivates.

After spending the past couple of nights in snuggled bliss I’ve made a decision: There must be Listerine within reach of the bed. I’m missing out on perfectly good kisses because of morning breath and GINGIVITIS.

Yesterday a friend working on her Master’s Degree said “wit.” That is all.

I wear my sunglasses at night. So I can, so I can… damn it. One more song that found it’s way into my wallet and my iTunes collection.

Yesterday I got a great booking, followed by “travel and lodging are your responsibility”… okay, it was not such a great booking.

A new bet has been made, “Can Nelson $#!T an entire plum?” Only time will tell, pictures to follow… I kid.

August 20-22nd… Baltimore Comedy Factory… people are going to be doing stuff… jokes b*tch.

August 7th… Fat Tuesday's… Rock Bands and Tyler Richardson? Keep me company Sean Paul… I’m sorry I peed in the Mr. Coffee.

Tomorrow I have great news. Why mention it today? Because I grew up with X:Men the animated series. To Be Continued is all I know…

I watched Fanboys last night, not bad. I don’t know why but Dan Fogel (the guy from Balls of Fury and Dane Cook’s best friend in Good Luck Chuck) never ceases to make me laugh. I think it’s because he’s bug eyed. I’m easily amused.

Best purchase of the week: The Dedication 1 & 2 by DJ Drama and Lil Wayne. I’m pretty late buying those mix tapes but they put Tha Carter III to shame.

Quote of the week: “You really like butts don’t you?” (yeah) “I know, I looked at your browser history, you really do.” – My girlfriend

Met Ted Alexandro on Saturday, he was incredibly cool.

Seaton put me on to MF Doom, not bad for those into rap music. I would compare what I’ve heard thus far to Styles P but his more lyrical side. And yes, Styles P can be lyrical. You’ve got fans out there Holiday Styles, don’t believe what the haters say.

Today I was forced to put down my car so that no one wanted to drive with me… sigh.

Well, it’s about that time to make skid marks… maybe I should have said tracks… yeah, let’s go with tracks instead. But, I will have a lot more time to think of good non-sense tomorrow.

Peaces

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Just a gloomy day...


My supervisor came back from vacation. That may not be the reason I feel so down, but I could really use a thunderstorm...


Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Don't whiz on the electric fence


So far my iPhone has yet to play It’s Raining Men by the Weather Girls on shuffle. I will wait and wonder if my phone has no taste. Because that shiggity is hilarious.

I don’t feel like I say the word “retard” very often. However, now that I’m sitting next a woman with a “different” child I keep catching myself before I let it fly. It’s awkward, about as awkward as when she catches me peeking at the kid’s photo during conversation. That’s all I’ll say about that because as I feel my face smirk I can see the devil dusting off my chair.

Yesterday’s Quote of the day: “Mommy doesn’t care, I have to go to the bathroom Jacob. We need to go home right now…” – Random mom in Wal-Mart

Yesterday I told a co-worker I was giving her an “ass penny” right after the penny landed in her palm. She threw it to the ground and then I told her I’ve been lying for fun lately. Good times…

Stay tuned for another date to a show at the State Theater. It was a lot of fun last year and this year will be more fun because I said so.

Did you know that you cannot choose to major in pick pocketing at most universities? That’s why I’ve started taking lessons from Ronnie the bum. Now I’m getting learned reall good. (the typo was on purpose)

For awhile I thought that R&B singer Joe was eaten by a dragon. Apparently he was just unpopular because he just released a new CD on iTunes. I was wrong.

A perfect night’s sleep is holding my baby and sneaking in kisses when she’s in her dreams. But, if my girlfriend is over I’d rather just let my iPhone charge and hold her instead.

Sometimes I worry that if I think too hard about something it will explode. Example: Winnie the Pooh, prove to me that he didn’t explode.

Photo bombers have and will always be funny to me. Especially when the picture is of a time where humor was not welcome. Then you look in the lower left hand corner and see some dick who’s just happy to be in a photo. Ah…

Perfect example of a 24/7 job: Stalking a stalker.

Any one that answers their phone and doesn’t say hello (just sitting there waiting for the caller to say “hello?”) should be beaten with brick. Who taught these people how to use a phone? Christopher Columbus? (Because phones didn’t exist when he was around so he wouldn’t know phone ettiq… never mind.)

Would it be weird to hire a party clown and just have him over to chill? What, I find the idea of chillin’ on the couch and drinking some Coronas with Bozo relaxing. But maybe I’m just old fashioned…

Just saw my analyst trip and gave the typical black guy response: “OH! Hahahaha” I forgot I was at work.

When is the last time you complimented Bobby Womack? You should probably get on that.

Cancelled shows are getting to come back due to demand by the geeks who love Adult Swim like myself. I wish they would add Being Bobby Brown to their listings so he could can have another chance to entertain the world. If you don’t think he deserves another chance at reality television allow me to change your mind. He used his thumb to help Whitney “go number 2” and spoke about it during an episode. The defense rests your honor.

Must’ve been a rough night for my imaginary co-worker… he’s only wearing a condom and Stacy Adams.

Dear Chipotle,

I feel I am not alone in asking, nay, demanding that you start delivering your food. Not only do I hate that the delicious drug you call food requires lining up like Oliver Twist, but I can’t stand the constant eye contact with strangers. Just think about it, I promise we’ll tip you well. Even the black people will tip, promise. I love you.

Baltimore Comedy Factory, August, jokes and $#!T… come.

Next DVD purchase: Pee Wee’s Big Adventure (why don’t I own this classic?)

Must be going now, there is much pretending to work to do.

Peaces, I’ll twitter at you.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

HUMPDAY!!! (even though it's Tuesday)


I have no blog for today, but I would like to promote a movie coming our area on Friday (July 24th 2009) at the E Street Cinema. http://www.magpictures.com/mailer/humpday/index.html?utm_source=Magnolia+Pictures+Original+Email+List&utm_campaign=e287be9da6-Humpday_htmlEmail_7_10_7_7_2009&utm_medium=email

Tomorries there shall be much inappropriate chuckling to be done. Flatulence (that word has been making me laugh for a couple of weeks, I'm a simple man).
Peaces

Monday, July 20, 2009

So that's what a prostitute kisses like...





It wasn’t until a couple of minutes ago that I spoke my first word of the day. Oddly, the song that brought it about was “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by (if you don’t know who sing that song I have no idea what you’ve done with your life. I hope you discovered the secret of cold fusion.

I like that people in my section finally realize I don’t like saying hello to the same people every morning. I don’t consider it rude, but it’s like shaking hands with a friend every time you see them. I know you now, let’s just embrace that. “Must we speak every time we pass?” – Stewie Griffin


Friday I set a goal of seeing how many times I could say “Like scheduling my second circumcision…” without offending anyone. Somehow no one even blinked. Am I losing my touch? Probably for the best though, it’s a terrible time to be unemployed. I can’t even be a prostitute because I’m allergic to latex.

Yesterday I went to IHOP and was surprised by the number of black people there. I’d lived my whole like thinking IHOP was “WHITE THANGS” and I was so wrong. Oh yeah, as a nice side note I’d like to point out that I watched Nelson get eye f*cked by a random gay Spaniard. Good times…

Nelson’s b-day party was Saturday and as usual there were more dead prostitutes than I’ve ever seen in my life. Now take away the prostitutes and replace them with Nelson’s friends, a TON (I’m an alcoholic and I thought it was a lot, it’s still there) of alcohol and a random gay black man… that’s a more accurate picture. Sunday morning was the first time in a long time that I’ve been hung over. I would like to not feel that way again for some time. I was barely able to eat my scrambie eggs at IHOP.

Crazy, but I smell my childhood Christmases. What’s weird is how perfect the picture of that time of year was back when it was still magical.

So, while I was at lunch today I spilled soda on a woman I barely know. Before I could fully apologize I burst into laughter. I believe she accepted my apology.

Shook hands with a big ol’ guy for the first time in years. The only thing that went through my head was “Feels like I’m grabbing a bunch of bananas.” Thank you Jack Black, if it weren’t for Shallow Hal I wouldn’t have such a perfect metaphor. I forgive you for Year One.

(Okay, take a minute to break dance in one spot. Don’t go over the top with it, just let people know that you remember your youth and the parachute pants are only a few steps away.)

TALK is to CHATTER as POO FACTOY is to my dog MAX.

Laugh of the day: Imagine a man with nun chucks that are nothing more than two condoms tied together. What really makes me laugh is that both condoms are “used” so on the initial twirls there is a trail of “trail mix” flying all around him. I haven’t said that out loud but it’s really been tickling me all day. No homo.

Lastly, I would like to share a moment I had earlier…. I call it: Fair? It started with someone describing a scene in Slum dog Millionaire where kids are blinded and sold so people will tip better. Then someone takes the money that is not the blind kid. I’m unfazed, allow me to explain. I was not born to Will Smith. Despite how unfair that is to me, no one cares. I could be on a yacht sipping Capri Sun right now but instead I live a normal life. I hope one day that my child is able to buy a slave and blind him for better tips. That, ladies and gentlemen, is fair. You’re welcome.

Peaces

Friday, July 17, 2009

Sonnet- Silence by Edgar Allan Poe

There are some qualities- some incorporate things,
That have a double life, which thus is made
A type of that twin entity which springs
From matter and light, evinced in solid and shade.
There is a two-fold Silence- sea and shore-
Body and soul. One dwells in lonely places,
Newly with grass o'ergrown; some solemn graces,
Some human memories and tearful lore,
Render him terrorless: his name's "No More."
He is the corporate Silence: dread him not!
No power hath he of evil in himself;
But should some urgent fate (untimely lot!)
Bring thee to meet his shadow (nameless elf,
That haunteth the lone regions where hath trod
No foot of man,) commend thyself to God!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

First McNair, now Gatti... where are the grateful women?!


Been a minute, I apologize but I didn’t really have anything amusing to speak of last week. Now that I’ve got a free moment (of joy) let me pick my (metaphorical) d*ck up off the ground.

I’m not too proud to admit that as of yesterday, 07/13/09, I’ve officially joined the Twitter head nation. My last words to my dying father were “I promise I won’t Twitter papa.” Well I lied, I never called him papa and he’s not even dead. That’s what I’m into now, lying for the sport. Join me…

While hitting on me a woman thought I’d find it cute to make fun of how I talk. First thing, I’m happily smitten with my McFidget (my woman). With that said, even if I were single I don’t find that cute. I used to get offended as a kid when people made fun of my lisp because I honestly couldn’t tell I was doing it, then I couldn’t fix it when they told me. But the way I talk is not something I care to change. There is nothing wrong with slang (Ebonics or whatever you want to call it) but I was raised to speak how I do and have no problem with it. Sometimes, like being stuck in SE, it can play against me but I’ll work through those times. If I didn’t talk like this how would I have coined the phrase “Boo Butta”? Cause butter doesn’t exist in Ebonics. Check the dictionary, it’s not in there.

I wonder if Justin Timberlake is somewhere singing SexyBack like I am… yeah, I bet he is.

What is it about Capri Sun that makes you want to violently attack anyone that puts their hands to close to yours? Is it the Riboflavin? Whatever it is, I want to rob a bank for it one day. “Every body grab some sky! Gimme all that Capri Sun $#!T and nobody has to catch this muthaf*cka!”

Last Tuesday ($#!T I haven’t blogged in awhile) was a blast in Richmond for the Clash. It made me happy, big ups to Jessie Thomas and all the Richmond comics out there on their grizzy. Much love, this is Stank Juice… “out.”

Still figuring out how to manipulate this iPhone, turns out the BJ button on the bottom.

I have the perfect app for star gazing now. I hope it doesn’t lead me to rape finish… rape was the number one deterrent of star gazing in 2005. Followed closely by American Idol, oh 2005.

When I went to the bathroom minutes ago, a man I’ve never spoke to spoke to me. I have my headphones in because I hate casual conversation but I didn’t need to know what he said. He was a stranger. In my mind I slapped him to the ground, which has urine on it, and taught him the error of his whore-ish mouthed ways. In reality I went to the bathroom and washed my hands like any other person… but one day.

Lupe Fiasco has blessed us with a new single, if you’re human and think you like rap go download “Shining Down.” If you’re not sure whether you like rap or not, you are a racist. There, no more letting it slide. I like country, what is your problem with my music?

Yesterday Nelson walked up the stairs to our apartment and saw a 7-year-old child singing “Birthday Sex.” He said frankly “Not my son…” but then I asked if he would prefer to walk in on his son singing “Boom Boom Pow” and he was unsure which is better. The only way to ensure your child is just how you want them is to control every facet of their lives. They’re singing in the shower, you come in drumming. They want to go on a date, you just so happen to need something from their favorite restaurant too. Their pissing, you’re shaking… you get where I’m going with this… You roll down the condom yourself. It’s the only way, if you want to get it right.

I find that you don’t need to say very much to disgust someone. Here; “Guerilla Handjob.” You’re welcome.

Ryan Reynolds is the Green Lantern… I’m not sure how to feel about that. But one thing is for sure… Arturo Gatti didn’t deserve the death he got. Nor did Steve McNair, wtf is happening to women that they need to kill people in their sleep? Do that $#!T mid-stroke.

Oops, I zoned out and had an erection. I’m back now.

I’m going now, but we’ll do this again real soon. Free Willy, yes I mean the movie… it was a f’n classic.

Peaces

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

I'm Tyler Richardson, and I'm still alive


A lot of people have come here the past couple of days looking for a Tyler Richardson that was in a car accident this weekend. He must have been popular... I may not have known him but I like his name.
No real blog today, but its back to Richmond tonight to close out the Clash of the Comics. I'm looking forward to 15 minutes of good ol' fashioned line dancing. And comedy... starts at 7:30.

Real blog tomorrow... "Like I told you officer; Yes, that is my condom but that's not my semen in it... I'm being framed for rape."
That's not the real title, but ah the imaginations soared didn't they?

Peaces

About Me

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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