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Monday, November 30, 2009

Have another sip of madness, mmm that's good

New York tomorrow, Baltimore Comedy Factory this weekend (despite the typo on the webpage that says Tyler S. is Hosting). Had a great weekend, much T-Day leftovers and Chipotle to fill in the gaps. New jokes, new Riding with Strangers videos to come this week (Nelson doesn't even know yet) and now; back to the Sasquatch interview.

And we’re back with Sasquatch, for those that were not here yesterday ol’ Sas was just opening up a bit about his life. Turns out he eats people but I guess we should’ve expected that one. Now we’re going to delve a bit further into this mythical beasture (yeah, I made that word up… you love it).
Tyler: Sasquatch, may I call you Geronimo?
Sasquatch: No, you should probably just use my name… Shaftmeat McGilicutty
T: Ouch, I think I’ll keep it formal. So Sasquatch, why did you stay in seclusion for so long? Why not come out and embrace humans and our society earlier?
S: For a long time, it was because I feared being eaten. Aside from the fact that I know my own meat to be delicious, I’ve eaten so many of you all that I would expect someone to eat of my flesh as merely revenge. After that fear went away I decided that I didn’t want to spend my life in a laboratory just because I was lonely.
T: What made you change your mind?
S: I have a damn good lawyer.
T: Right on to that. As something that was believed to be a myth, do you believe in the Loch Ness monster or any other creature that has not come out into our world yet?
S: Well, I would never betray a friend but don’t ever piss off a unicorn. Especially if he’s losing in a game of bones.
T: Are you a fan of Twilight?
S: Absolutely, Team Jacob.
T: Well, that’s…
S: (Growl)
T: Next question, if you were ordering in a Burger King, what meal are you eating?
S: I’m a Wendy’s kinda beast, number six, large, drink doesn’t matter.
T: Nice, I like their Big Bacon Classic too.
S: I said number six.
T: Ooookay, welpers, it’s about time to let you get back to your life. You must be warm in here because the heat is really catching your aroma and bringing it back to my mouth.
S: Yes to the aroma, but no to the heat, I’m quite comfortable.
T: You know what isn’t comfortable?
S: Do tell…
T: A condom.
S: (stares blankly while blinking)
T: Alright everyone, that’s all for today but we’re back tomorrow with updates from the city that never sleeps; Maine.
S: You mean New York… and Maine is a state.
T: For Sasquatch, I’m Tyler Richardson saying “Don’t buy the cow if she sleeps with everyone for a little Tequila. Good Night everyone.”

Monday, November 23, 2009

Meet Sasquatch

Sasquatch has been kind enough to sit down and give an interview. We have collected questions from several people online that we will ask here today among our set questions. We need not remind you that since he is accustomed to solitude, his social skills may not be what some would expect. But, no matter how it tastes, here is Bigfoot!

Sasquatch: It’s a pleasure to be here.
Tyler: Is there anything you wanted to say to those that have eagerly awaited your public debut?
S: Yeah, stop snitchin’.
T: Interesting choice of words.
S: Oh, and follow on twitter.
T: Let’s start with a fan question submitted to us online; Bobby Racter from Nevada asks “Dear Mr. Yetti, I’ve lived my entire life afraid to fly because I believe when I do you will be the captain and begin suicide bombing. Are you a pilot?”
S: That’s a good question Booby…
T: You mean Bobby.
S: Correct, Bobby you have every reason to fear me piloting a plane because I started that horror story. Truth is that I hate how long it takes to leave the airport and I wanted less people there so I ran with that story. But I’m over those days, plus flying is too expensive these days.
T: It must be incredibly tough to survive out there on your own. What are your main sources of food in the wild?
S: To be honest I eat quite a lot of people.
T: Jesus.
S: Never someone able to fight, or run. Just the sick and meek, and I’m partial to Asians. Other than that, berries and stuff.
T: When was the last human meal?
S: A few hours ago, it was some sick kid. To be honest I’m feeling kinda flu-ish like he may have had cancer or something.
T: Well, thank goodness you’re not hungry anymore; are you?
S: I’m good.
T: Then let’s see what another person would like to ask Sasquatch.
S: Bring it!
T: Kim from Miami wants to know how the love life is treating you?
S: I’m alone.
T: There’s a phone number here, would you like it?
S: Unfortunately, a relationship between a human and I is impossible. I’m a equipped like chubby elephant. One of the smaller veins along the shaft is easily more than most human women have ever seen. Look at what I’m talking about Tyler (shows him “the chunk”)
T: He’s telling the truth folks, I’m not sure what I’m looking at, but it is gross. And since you’ve unsheathed your sword I’m overwhelmed by the stink of the forest.
S: Yeah, never used soap, I’ve got a good cheese going on. I stopped smelling my skank about 40 years ago.
T: Please, tie that thing back into you’re pants like before so I can breathe again.
S: Flip, tuck, flip again… and, we’re good now.
T: Moving right along then, “Now that you’re out in the open, what’s next for the Sas’?
S: I’ve done some talking with Chuck E. Cheese’s and they seem to think that children are ready to hug on impostor me and friends. As long as the money is right, I’m good with that. I want a Bentley now.
T: We’re going to do a lightning round of questions and just give me the first thing to comes to mind.
S: Right on.
T: Favorite game?
S: Sorry!
T: Hottest woman of the last century?
S: Too easy, that Orca whale from Free Willy. She could stone cold get it. I don’t even care that’s she’s dead now, holla at me.
T: Favorite shoe?
S: Flip flops, the gays never outrun me in them.
T: Favorite snack food?
S: Midget.
T: Favorite movie?
S: Anything with Dustin Hoffman between The Graduate and Hook. The man’s a legend.
T: XBOX360 or PS3?
S: 360, be serious, come find out what my ass tastes like gamers! My gamertag is: WookieDik
T: What are your plans for Thanksgiving?
S: I’m probably going to sit around my place eating left overs. I have no family and no one wants to be my dinner for Thanksgiving.
T: Wow, well I certainly hope that some viewer that may be suicidal will spend thanksgiving with you this year. No one should be alone for the holidays.
S: Kind words; I bet you’re delicious.
T: Nah, I eat a lot of junk food. Ready for one more question before we take a break?
S: Don’t sing it, bring it.
T: Who is someone that you would love to meet?
S: Sean Connery, simply put, his performance in Finding Forrester moved me. James Bond forever man, Scotland rules!
T: Alright we’ll be back with more Yetti chat later but for today it looks like peaces. Laters…

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Anybody seen my bag of Shrooms...I mean, mittens. Has anyone seen my bag of mittens?


The show at the State Theatre on Friday was fun. The comics laughed, the audience laughed; good things. Baltimore Dec.3-5 so put a condom on B-more, cause we’re going stepping. In between then I shall hone my chi and focus on telepathy. Plus there’s NY and open mic’n between then and now.

Modern Warfare 2 rocked my socks off, still is. Ugh! (I’ve always loved that sound, especially when it comes from Pauly Shore)

As a prize, Elliott in the morning is giving away Jimmy Fallon tickets. I imagine them staring at a blank phone after asking people to call in and win. “Call in and get your punishment, dammit.”

I passed a woman while getting breakfast this morning with breasts so big that I did a double take. I’ve seen her (and them) everyday for a couple of years. But something about today was different, probably the belt choking back her blouse and making them sit straight up. When I turned around I was greeted by my friend Jessica looking at me looking at cleavage. If only woman watching was a sport…

When is the last time I watched Beerfest? The fact that I had to ask is sad.

If I could go back in time I would go back to the first moment that someone said “Cut the mustard” and slap them.

When I’m 75 (because I really don’t plan on living to see that day) I want to go to Disney world. I’ve never been and want to hug Goofy before I die. Mid-hug I will make my peace and die in his arms. I want the children around to associate “the Goofster” with death. I’m not a Goofy fan, may Donald Duck drink his blood forever. Hail Donald?

Jim Gaffigan has such a soothing voice; I should not be listening to him while I work. Zzzzzz

Who dreams about pouring a glass of lemonade? I really need goals.

I miss Insomniac with Dave Attell. Those were simpler times.

I’m chuckling to myself (like a crazy person does) picturing a rejected man firing back at a woman with “Well f*ck you, if you don’t give me your number I’m going to eat myself to death.” Then, for the next month, every she sees him there is food in his hand. He just looks at her with dead eyes as he slowly eats a cheeseburger. Creepy to some, hilarious to me.

Remember the first time you heard Papa Roach’s first CD Infest? Yeah; now do you remember the first time you heard their second CD? Yeah.

Gorilla Handjob. I’ve been giggling at the thought of it for awhile and thought of changing it to Gorilla BJ. But the thought of a gorilla doing that is gross… now there ain’t nothing wrong with some tuggin’.

Nelson wanted to go see Survivor Series and I had to decline. I don’t know when I wrote off wrestling, and no, it had nothing to do with it being fake. When John Cena came into all of his popularity I guess I realized that it was not the same entertainment I experienced with Stone Cold and The Rock earlier. I don’t know if it was just really good television back then or if I was at an age where I was easily entertained but it was something back then. Now wrestling just lacks something, like basketball after Michael Jordan stopped playing. Much love to Shawn Michaels though, he’s still a beast man.

My neck just let out a crack that makes me think someone I love might be dead. I better call Pauly Shore and make sure he’s okay.

That’s all folks!

Peaces

Friday, November 13, 2009

I'm sorry, when I heard about Casual Friday I assumed shoes were optional


Here we are, November 13th and hopefully the show later tonight at the State Theatre (LaffStock, doors open at 8, show starts at 9, tix are $11) will be a jolly good time. Names, should we do the names? Fine; Jermaine Fowler, Seaton Smith, Tyler Richardson, Will Hessler and Eli Sairs. Hopefully streaking through the streets of VA wearing sneakers advertising the show will pay off. The entire reason for the show tonight is to lull the boogieman to sleep. Only laughter from a huge group of people, consistently, for a period of an hour and a half to two hours will do it. Help us won’t you, help us slay the beast.

I had too much fun at the (oh my lucky stars) PACKED Old Arlington Grill last night. I saw Hesslers and Abeds and Ryan Conners, oh my. I think we all had fun, I made two new friends that were practically performing with me, then I found a Kajigger dollar bill (which is like one million times one million). Sweet.

My new favorite line is: I really want to end a joke with the phrase “And I’m gonna get that n*gga Charles too.” Don’t know why it tickles me, but it does.

Had a blast with Courtney, Will and Randolph T on WGMU on Tuesday. Among several things that I took home with me were images of some lady shaking a whole can of ass. As Nelson would say, “That must be jam; cause jelly don’t shake like that.”

How far I’ve fallen, I watched Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns… and laughed.

Yesterday, while I lay sick and stricken with tuberculosis, I rented Up. Unlike the first time, there were no tears falling from this proud man’s face. Plus Nelson came home and that ruined the emotional vibe. I cry by my lonely.

God,

Please send my XBOX360 back to me soon, I know Microsoft can fix them very quickly. Atif needs me to beat the beard off his face in Modern Warfare 2, and I aim to please. As you’re well aware, I’ve asked the wolf to perform the same task. This is only in case you become too busy with everything else, like taking the legs from the Fort Hood shooter (good move Jesus!). Holla at your boi. TRich

Baltimore Comedy Factory, Dec. 3-5, Jaaam!

All aboard the bus to NY on Dec.1, just an open invitation should anyone want to come. Did I mention there will be pie and punch?

Every day it feels a little more like Christmas. Just relax, once we pig out on Thanksgiving it’s practically here! This year I’m going caroling.

New iPhone app for friends to get: Words with Friends. My user name is Devo2021, bring that $#!T.

Not too much to say today so I will see whoever is at the show tonight or the Drafthouse open mic tomorrow.

Peaces!

Thursday, November 05, 2009

The Jankees!


State Theatre show on November 13, 2009. Doors open at 8, show starts at 9. Tickets are $11.00 and can be purchased online at http://www.thestatetheater.com/. The show will feature Will Hessler, Eli Sairs, Seaton Smith, Tyler Richardson and Jermaine Fowler! What would Jesus do?

So Keith (the comedian) and I went up to NY for this year’s Stand Up for Diversity auditions. We had a blast out there meeting new comic friends from all over and here are a few highlights from New Yawk City:

- Almost every woman in Manhattan was attractive, I say almost because there was the occasional midget. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
- The guy in line directly in front of me was wearing a turban. It took less than 10 minutes of arriving for the terrorist jokes to start, I did not partake. Too easy…
- I walked two miles (there and back) to enjoy Chipotle’s
- For (probably) the second time in my life, I drank a cup of coffee. It was free.
- Not only did I not enjoy the coffee, but it combined with the Chipotle and made me realize that I was going to have to make “stinky” in a public bathroom hundreds of miles away from home.
- I saw a bum literally chased out of McDonald’s by a manager that was more than ready to fight. She was about 5’3, pure rage.
- The same manager would kick it with TRich and Keith later and was really cool. Some people just know how to rub others the wrong way.
- A man in McDonald’s was really upset by rappers with fake jewelry. His friends would list rappers like: Fabolous, Young Jeezy and so on; he followed every name up with “Fugazi! Give me another one!” He was so angry I thought he might swing on one of his friends. It was interesting to watch.
- Back to the “stinky”: I wait in front of the bathroom door for what seems like an hour, it was probably 5 minutes, I had to drop something though. A woman comes out of the men’s bathroom, there was no one in the women’s bathroom. She was clearly dying her hair in the bathroom because she had fresh violet streaks in her hair. I go in the bathroom only to discover that she urinated all over the seat! I’m supposed to sit down after this?! So I grab the handi-bar on the wall, that is 1 inch away from the seat so I had a weird angle to hold myself at. I kept trying to reach out and touch the other wall to balance myself but that wasn’t going too well for me. When it was all over my thighs were as tight as a marathon runner and the place was a mess.
- About four Irish guys, middle-aged and pretty “portly” were walking drunkenly down the street. They walk past about 20 ethnic people, a lot of which are black males, and shout “Get out of our city N____!” Everyone was blown away by their boldness but no one is risking getting arrested over them. I still feel ashamed that no one crippled those bigots. Oh well, maybe one of them choked on a bad biscuit.
- A couple of homeless guys (they were nice to me so I don’t want to call them bums) approached a few of us while we were in the middle of talking. They ask Keith and a comic from Atlanta for cash, and got none. Then they turn to me and start casual conversation. They figured that we were all comics and immediately wanted me to tell them a joke. I give them this party joke, which I give to anyone that asks me to tell them a joke. They cut me off half way through and say “Wow, you got a beautiful voice. I bet you can sing can’t you?” I told them I think I can a little. They tell me that I can and then one of them starts singing “Doo Doo Doo Doo…” it went on for a little while at different octaves. Then he tells me to hold that note. I say that I don’t think I can. They step in my face and I notice Keith and the other guy move out of the way and now they are behind the two homeless guys. Not in a protective way, in a “I’m not getting raped beside him” type way. They start to touch my arms and I’m nervous. Then they demand I sing something and I ask other comics in line if I should. Then I sing an old Musiq Souldchild song “Reallove.” They liked it, one demands I sing “love” after that. I decline because the end is too high for me, which is true. Then, staring into my eyes, one of them begins to sing to me while they walk down the street finally leaving us. They continued to sing all the way down the block and stopped at the corner to finish the verse. I came within a cough of rape. Why I’m so irresistible to homeless men, I’ll never know.
- I had Popeye’s chicken. It was delicious.

The urge to move to NYC is strong, such a beautiful place, even at it’s ugliest. In the mean time, I’ll see whoever is at Hot Broth tonight. I’ve been writing a lot of new stuff lately and can’t wait to get it off my chest. Hopefully I can eek out a chuckle, it’s good for my self esteem. Snoogens.

Peaces

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Real blog tomorrow, today is Cha- Cha Slide day!

Hello to the three of you. I've been slammed by the work monster today but I have a series of highlights from my recent NY outing to share. Including bum sightings, the "N" word and a bathroom that was not made to $#!T in... but I did anyway. Well, hopefully you're salivating like me and ready for tomorrow. Until then, party up!

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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