Tyler Richardson on Facebook

Just as good as a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Is it Colombus Day yet?

Random group of douche bags comics make fun of Tyler for “being drunk” (in reality I wasn’t I was just in a good mood). What happens next?
a) a b*tch slap that shuts everyone up is tossed out to whoever laughed first.
b) Tyler unzips his pants while the jackals laugh at their lame jokes and pisses towards peoples feet… what? It’s a sign of disrespect. They hurt my feelings.
c) Pecker slaps Eli and tells Becca-Lou “you’re better than that”
d) Does nothing and plays through all these scenarios in his mind

If you said D you were correct, I just wish that I’d done B or C. I don’t need to say their names cause “that would be small of me”…. ;)

I was not at Spy Lounge last night even though I had every intention on going until Saturday night. Why not recap exactly why I didn’t make it, or as I like to call it “The Longest Saturday Night I Can Remember”!

When I left O’(fill the rest-o-that name in here) on Saturday I went straight to my lover’s house, Wendy’s. I got loads of food cause I was happy and had plenty of _____ in stock. As I get within about 10 minutes of getting home I drifted a bit. I didn’t hit the concrete barrier that was next to me but apparently something very jagged was right next to the wall. I hear “POW!” and then the wheel flaps and pulls to let me know its blown. I roll my eyes because I forgot my cell phone at home. I kept grabbing for it prior to any trouble and thought “Oh great, I hope nothing happens” but who ever really expects something to happen? I pull over and realize that there is nothing within a short walk. So I decide that I’m going to attempt to get to the left exit across from me on 95 and walk somewhere from there. There were cars flying down 95 while I attempt to cross the road like Frogger, but in a car. I eventually get there. Time to walkies…

I still have the slightest of a buzz going on, and we’re walking. Next thing you know I’m walking up some hill and heading towards bright lights and thumping music. This is not the dinner theater restaurant I thought I was heading to. Luckily a man was nice enough to let me use his cell phone rather than make me use the company phone. Trouble was, the music was BUMPIN! And I didn’t want to walk out of his sight (quite simply, a, BIG, DUDE) and get the ever loving sweet crap kicked out of me. So my insurance company and I struggle to hear each other and get things straight for about 20 minutes. “Have fun calling Japan?” That was his response when I eventually got his phone back to him. I had 40 minutes to get to my car and wait for the tow truck driver. So far, the night had not completely pissed me off.

While walking down a hill that didn’t seem so familiar to me (my buzz was now gone) I began to question which way I came from. I went down a hill that was steep, luckily paved, and it took me about 3 minutes to run down it. Here comes the tiring part: I ran down, looked left. Second guessed myself, ran back up. Turned around, ran down, looked right and shook my head. Ran back up and started walking back into the bar. I had no watch and started to feel like I was going to miss the tow truck. It’s about 1 something in the AM. Once I felt like I’d wasted all that time, I gave up and just wanted to get to my car and sleep. I run down the hill and turn left. After walking left for awhile, I didn’t think it was the right was so I turned back to try the right. I got back to the bottom of that hill where you have to decide, and changed my mind again. This time I was going to walk left until I hit something familiar. By this point I’m drenched in sweat and can’t breath cause I never run, but that night I ran my @ss off. I walk left for about 2 miles. When I was buzzed that walk felt like 10 steps, but coming back I understood that I used time travel to get to that bar but now I’d have to use my legs.

Back in the car I slept for a little while then woke up to knocking on the window. The flashing blue lights let me know that it was not the tow truck. The State Police Officer (smoking hot woman) wanted to know what I was doing, aside from sleeping. I explained how I found out that I didn’t have a spare when the tire went and on all nights I left my cell phone at home that night. I told her I was waiting for the tow truck and she told me she saw a tow truck checking out some car way back. She leaves to go find him. About an hour later she showed up follow by the tow truck driver.

He looked like Lil Wayne with a Freeway (he was a rapper for those that don’t know) beard. And scary, did I mention he was scary too. He made the most dead pan jokes and never really laughed at them to acknowledge they were indeed jokes. He would be my worst nightmare in a prison cell. I’m too “smiley” for prison. Plus I hate the taste of cockmeat sandwiches, don’t ask me how I know. I just know. He took me home after we dropped out off the car and he took me home. I picked my car up this morning… someone very short was driving.

I’m watching Harold & Kumar 2 on the iPod right now… life is good.

For those that are unaware, http://www.imdb.com/ now has free television shows and movies. I forgot my iPod yesterday and that saved me from suicide. That, and http://www.pandora.com/

Yesterday’s Quote of the Day: “I could never commit suicide, no matter how much money I lost in the stock. I would turn to a life of crime before I’d commit suicide” – Kevin, I completely agreed with him

I watched Kimbo Slice on EliteXC yesterday, but it was nothing compared to seeing him fight terrified BIG ASS MEN in the streets on YouTube. Sometimes you have to shot people before they get too strong. I'm definitely in favor of grabbing an elephant gun and laying that big black man down. My momma is out there...

Boobs… I typed that out of love.


Friday, September 26, 2008

Enjoy this Friday, rob somebody!

Just didn't want this horrible blog-less week to end without saying something to you guys. I've finally reached the point where, 7 months into my position, I can perform my assignments without going over every detail with my supervisor. Makes blogging and reading blogs a whole lot easier. Here are things I look forward to this weekend...

- Picking up MJ for a weekend long kiss

- Working out, once you see some definition again you're hooked. Sampson I see why you've burned all those shirt with graphics

- Eating until poo comes out of my eyes, yeah I'm thinking like a fat guy

- Some "strange"... never hurts to have some human contact

- Sex and the City: The movie, I loved (LOVED!!!!) the show yet somehow didn't remember it came on DVD this DVDuesday

- I'd like to see Eagle Eye, but I'm not blowing that much in one weekend on movies... I'm grown

- Talking to the Fowlest, for those that don't know yet he made it into The New York Underground Comedy Festival. Kiss his @ss just a bit won't you. He loves you.

- Watching Justin Cousson's posting of the comedian that ran his mouth than did the most serious speech ever to an audience that just watched comedians. Or was he doing shtick?

- Ginger Ale, it's delicious

- I'd like a new tattoo, but I'm probably gonna jerk it and save some money

- Gonna watch Across the Universe cause that's a stoner movie if I've ever seen one... but I don't *cough* smoke pot so never mind... :)

- Gonna call Eli cause I miss the way I could hear him smiling when he said "Come over, I've just stocked up on condoms

Laters... f*ck protected or do don't ever call them again

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Dark Horse Returns

Okay, so start with a game. It’s called “What did you want most when you were…”
1- Memory is pretty non existent, but I’m tempted to say teeth
2- Still fuzzy, let’s say… an elephant
3- Not to have slipped and busted my forehead open leaving a permanent scar
4- To stay in Germany
5- To make out with my babysitter’s daughter, who is probably a fat chick now
6- To make out with my Pre-school teacher… who is probably a fat woman now
7- To be a safety patrol kid, seems lame now, but I think I cried when I got told no
8- To sing Digital Underground songs all day long and not have to go to school
9- To have a bedtime past 9 O’ Clock, God being young was lame
10- To be a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger, yeah, the white ranger
11- To stay in Utah… there was actually some pretty fine 11 year old tail out there
12- To not have a sibling, but it was too late. My Mom was already pregnant
13- To be taller than 4’10
14- Not to be a virgin
15- To win my class election, since I lost the year before… I won
16- Not to be a virgin!!!!
17- Facial hair, cause maybe then I wouldn’t have been a virgin
18- To attend the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, where I was accepted.
19- Not to be deployed while I was in the Army Reserves
20- To have a girlfriend that wasn’t a pathological liar, sadly I was with her until 23
21- Wings, I was already able to drink, what else could you ask for?
22- To stop selling cars… that will really make you hate life
23- To start enjoying the single life after that girlfriend left me
24- To work at the DC Improv
25- To finish the college I have left
Since that last one is pretty current, I’m sure I’ll be plenty scarce for awhile but popping up here and there. Gotta make sure that when I’m 30 I don’t have any regrets. I don’t live for “what ifs” but unlike the Fowlest, the thought of not making it kind of scares me. Can’t say I’m quitting cause then when I showed up somewhere that would make me a big fat liar.

Today I went downstairs and bought Orange soda. I tucked it underneath my arm and carried it away under the shroud of darkness cause I hate to be the black man that stamps a stereotype.

For those of you that have Showtime channels, I recommend When Stand Up Stood Out. It was a pretty great documentary on the Boston Stand Up comedy scene back in the early 80’s when it really boomed. Not better than Comedian though, but what is?

I’m beginning to believe I have a serious commitment problem. I want what I can’t get and when I get something (or someone), I immediately find a reason to run. But I could never do that with you… Chipotle soft tacos with Barbacoa meat, red chili, corn, lettuce, cheese and a little tomato. Did I mention you have to sprinkle that B*TCH with some Tabasci Sauce?

I don’t get why people say Eurotrip wasn’t funny. I have it on my iPod so I watch it pretty frequently at work, it’s pretty awesome.

This Orange soda is fantastic, sigh, I’ll be right back. I have to go grab some watermelon and a white woman.


I’m back. Carlos Mencia is coming to perform at Constitution Hall. How funny would it be if there were protesters?

The stuff I’ve been coughing up the past couple of days reminds me of animal semen. Maybe a dog’s… now it all makes sense! My dog Max is sleep raping my face! He doesn’t know any better…

“What’s the easiest way to let down a woman with kids that you’re not attracted to?” Simple: Talk loudly about how you hate children and you’d never date a woman with children while talking to someone else. Trust me, it helps keep some of the hyenas around me at bay. Thank God for the dogcatchers that don’t mind, huh?

Ever listened to a family member complain about needing money while Share certificate slips lie on their table in front of you? Grandma just likes to talk. For those that do not know what Certificates, IRAs, Money Market Accounts and of things of this nature are… learn to invest pal. It’s cold out there, save up.

Every time I hear Crazy on You I can’t help but go back to Harold and Kumar’s wonderful montage. Some things are just too money for words.

Sad but true, even if Barack Obama didn’t already have my vote, he would get it by making a commercial where he dunked on Michael Jordan. I’m easy to please.

Heroes rocked on Monday! It’s sad to see that the Internet has truly become nothing but a place for geeks to come and whine about any and everything. No matter what a show does, it’s never good enough for the fan boys and I’m shocked they haven’t turned on The Office yet. Maybe they have and I’m not in the right forums… IGN.com anyone?

Don’t feed Gizmo after Midnight. How hard is that to remember?

Yesterday, either due to lack of earring or just trying to piss me off Nelson made me repeat myself at work 3 times. I hate, truly hate, to repeat myself. So all people could hear my scream on the fifth floor was “Steak Sauce, do we have any STEAK SAUCE?!” Good times. The bad news was we did not, but the Pork Chops were delicious anyway.

I’ve been working about for all of a week, and catch myself in the mirror more than ever. To other people I’m sure I still look the same, but you can’t help but look for results right away. I need to be beautiful, like yesterday!

I bought into the Lil Wayne craze like everyone else, but we must draw the line. That song with The Game sucks. Since when are paying to hear him sing?!

Kanye West’s new song he performed at the VMA’s sucked too. Okay, I’m done attempting to play music critic.

Yesterday my Grandmother attempted to pass me off to my Mom on the phone, which I hate. My Mom passed on the offer, should that concern me? I hope she just knows how much I hate that… Does my mother hate me? (that is rhetorical by the way, no comments necessary on that one)

To people like Will Hessler, Tyler S., Jay Hastings and… well I don’t think too many people are still around that started 3 years ago. My point being look how the scene has changed. It’s crazy…

I had forgotten about Curt Shackelford (hope I spelled that right, I’m not going to Google it to double check) until yesterday. I randomly saw that he’s still running open mics and took a sneak peek at what he’s been up to. There is some hot blond girl in his pics tab. I know you might have expected me to say something comedy related but that’s what stood out to me the most. I almost with that he hadn’t taken me off his e-mail list (for reasons unknown) so that I’d ran into her. If someone has actually seen this girl perform, was she funny?

I love my family, my circle of friends and all the friends through comedy I’ve been able to make over the past few years. I think I’ll go write some jokes, work (since I’m still at work) and make a blog roll when I get home. Don’t forget The Office comes back tomorrow, set your DVRs and TiVOs to NBC hoes.


Tuesday, September 23, 2008

5 days is slightly neglectful, isn't it?

Tomorrow I promise to have a blog worthy of eyeballs. But, I'm horribly sick, so I leave you with this monologue that I've always loved...

"My name is Patrick Bateman. I am twenty-six years old. I live in the American Garden Buildings on West Eighty-First Street, on the eleventh floor Tom Cruise lives in the penthouse.

I believe in taking care of myself, in a balanced diet, in a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I'll put on an ice pack while doing my stomach crunches. I can do a thousand now.

After I remove the icepack, I use a deep pore-cleanser lotion. In the shower, I use a water-activated gel cleanser, then a honey-almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub.

Then I apply an herb mint facial masque which I leave on for ten minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine.

I always use an after-shave lotion with little or no alcohol because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm, followed by a final moisturizing "protective" lotion...

There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, some kind of abstraction, hut there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping you and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Whoomp there it is!

The content of what I speak is only important to me
Ignorant thoughts, Alice in Wonderland clocks, rooms filled with my missing right socks
Never taken seriously, but that’s why we do this thing… is it not?
Beefaroni and KFC, what a meal for Kings!
As they swirl and shake hands I have only one thought
“$#!T, I never should have eaten those wings!”
I missed EJ on Ellen DeGeneres, and damned if I don’t regret that
DVR takes 2 seconds to set up
“Where the f*ck was my head at?”
I think I’ve stumbled ass backwards into a relationship, a month ago I was sulking
It’s funny when your mind’s on someone suddenly everyone starts looking
Why is smiling so contagious even when you’re trying to draw attention?
As soon as you catch an attitude someone trips and… (grin)
I heard people on the news speaking about their blogs, WTF?!
When I’m grey and still working no blogs for me, just an @ssload of porn
Now that’s worth blogging about
Very little is as funny as a car crash, but you already know that
But nothing makes you straighten up quicker than a flat tire while you’re mid laugh
I feel like if I don’t mention poo Sean will feel cheated, and no one wants that
Here goes:
My Grandma was teaching me to drive with at least one plastic bag cause of a traffic jam
she got stuck one day and had to chuck one full of $#!T out the window of her sedan
I love thinking about a old @ss woman twirling a bag full-o-$#!T round her head
But even more so, my granny, Sean I hope like that poop tale
P.S.- “never ask a woman if she’s a tranny”
The new Star Wars game is okay but hardly the THE FORCE UNLEASHED
More like two straight men caught in a gay moment
Than people watching a woman in Tijuana f*ck a beast
(I needed that to rhyme, sorry. I know it was a cheap on)
I’ve been saying my prayers for October the 12th cause I could really use the fame
Last year’s Stand up for Diversity in NY was absolutely insane
______, got picked for call backs and the Fowlest, Keith and I didn’t?!
I didn’t get Season 1 of Heroes even though I clearly won it
This I’m taking Season 2 home, even if I have to take it
Tomorrow is Friday and Sunday I’m going to the Zoo
Gonna grab me some peanuts and watch panda bears screw
It’s not joke, “that’s just what I’m into”

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Grabbing @ss and taking shame...

Sorry for the absence, I’ve been pretty beat the f*ck down by allergies for the past couple of days. The bonus to that whole thing is that I’m definitely not squeamish, cause I’ve seen more blood come out of my nose than a crime scene. I hope everyone is well, especially my bestest homie… the Wolf.

How do you start a terrible day? Well…
First you get some DAMN good sleep cause you went to be extremely early on Tuesday night. You grab a soda that you forgot about the night before from KFC, it’s gonna be flat but it’s better than when you were 22 drinking a beer to work everyday (that’s sadly true). The beer is flat but gives you something to do. Traffic isn’t bad, until you recognize a fatty (girl who was skinny when she rejected you but apparently made a new snack her favorite food) and try your best to get away from her while on the road. You do; only to find that a cop pulled someone over in the far right lane where there is no shoulder. Early in the morning, traffic sucks as it is, and this douche’ pulls someone over and blocks ONE of the THREE lanes we have to travel in. Unless he’s a TimeCop and found out that guy in a F-150 was committing some type of time crime… “Let it go!” So, right before your exit you see Paramedics coming in your lane. You can still make it to work, probably even if you pulled over for a second. Do you? Of course not, neither does anyone else. Instead it’s a race to your exit and then no one gets out of his way once off 495, hopefully whoever was in danger lived for the remaining 2 minute drive to Fairfax iNova Hospital… but I had to get to work. I laughed at the fact that the Paramedics had to go the wrong way down a road since no one moved. As you get on down the road, HOT women are everywhere. That’s the usual, but it never gets too old to mention. As you almost run a red light, right behind a cop mind you, a school bus is stopped about 100 ft. up the street. Before you get too close you see a kid running to the bus with his Dad yelling behind him, I really wanted the bus to leave him even though they saw him running. But what do your eyes catch way back in the forest? A little girl who’s got a backpack in her hand standing on a deck. You begin to pray, but then the father turned around and said something in the direction of the girl. While the line of cars behind the school bus pile back to the intersection, I watch the father put his son on the bus and go BACK for the girl. Countdown is about 5 minutes to get to work, I’m only a couple minutes away. The girl does not run, she doesn’t even jog, she walked as slow as possible behind her father crying and wiping tears from her face. While a female might look at this with some amount of pity (“aww”) I was enraged. It took everything I had to keep my window up and not give the father and Scrappy Doo a good piece of my almost-late-to-work mind. The father clearly knew how pissed all of the people stuck behind the bus were, I’m pretty sure I sat there for about 4 minutes. Finally the bus moves onward with the journey to hell. When I turn down the street I work on, there is another school bus… no crying little girls but it did make about 3 stops that further twisted the knife of anger into my @ss. While jamming to Lil Wayne (Tha Carter II, classic), you make a startling discovery…. I COMPLETELY FORGOT MY CHAPSTICK WHILE GETTING MY FLAT SODA!!!! Now I’m working upstairs while holding a Kleenex to my face. This is my Wednesday.

I’m trying not to go buy more Chapstick since I have about 3 or 4 tubes at home. I doubt I’ll hold off, but I’d like to think I will.

Sean, I saw Fringe last night based on your comment and love proclamation in your blog. I was impressed and it couldn’t have been more than 10 minutes in Nelson said “I’m hooked”. Who are you voting for? Not that you can sway me from Obama, but perhaps you have some interesting point that will help me turn the white votes I see on a daily basis.

I had a dream last night that I can only describe as Tron with water. The only thing that upset me was that somehow during the climactic battle, I woke up. The time was around 4 A.M.

If you haven’t searched YouTube for recent Jake “The Snake” Roberts footage, do. Don’t cheat yourself out of a GREAT laugh. Crack and Alcohol at it’s best.

For the second Saturday night in a row I drove to (what used to be called) The Laughing Lizard… Son of a B*tch. The security guard laughed and said something about “No show tonight…” I was immediately pissed for wasting my time and gas, then he hits me with “Got a great band going on tonight…” All I could say was “$#!T” as I reached for my phone so they wouldn’t talk to me again. $#!T!

I find pleasure in other people’s pain, any friend of mine knows it and I would hope if you’re reading this you would know it too. My friend Mike laid a story on me yesterday that I wish I had been there for. Let me take you back…

He had a college course that centered around sexuality, can’t remember the name though. It was early and there was no other class going on in the building when his class was in session. Enough build up then, so the first day of class the professor says “Everyone, whatever is said in this class stays in this class, feel free to open up…” Almost immediately, a girl decides to share. She explained that when she is on her period she bleeds so much she becomes anemic (which is pretty gross). But she doesn’t stop there, she goes on to talk about a lot of her family problems and even that her brother was born a HERMAPHRODITE. It was right after that got dropped that Mike decided to excuse himself to the hallway. He laughed HARD, and Mike has a laugh that’s a mixture of a hyena and Elliott in the Morning. After getting it all out of his system and taking a minute to make sure he could come back in the room with a straight face Mike re-entered the room. His exact words were: “Everyone could here me. They told me as soon as I walked in the door that they heard me laughing. What do you say to that? I just sat down cause I didn’t really care. Most people in the class got over it soon after, but that girl never spoke to me. (Was she attractive?) Nah, which means I really don’t care. Even if she was attractive, hearing that she bleeds like that completely cancels that…” If only I’d been there. Kind of reminds me of our Sociology 102 class where I gave a presentation on “Male Rape” and broke into laughter several times during slides of some very serious rape facts. And older woman just whispered “finish your presentation honey” as I stood there holding my face. I had two of my closest friends in the back of the room, Mike and Bernie, never take a very serious class with your best friends. Too tempting…

If I tell you that the bathroom’s new toilet paper is great cause there’s no way your finger will go through it while wiping, and you nod your head yes; who’s is grosser? Me, for pointing out that I’ve touched my $#!T on a regular basis, or you for agreeing that it’s a common problem that happens with you too? Discuss.

Rock Band 2 is well worth the… EVERYTHING!!!! And as usual, if you feel like you wanna throw down: Devo2021 (that’s my Gamertag), somebody scrot up! Gotta have an XBOX360 though.

I’m out, Laters…

Friday, September 12, 2008

Off the f*cking Wall

Last night was a blast at UMD’s Off the Wall! Justin, I felt bad about missing SOME of your set (I was able to catch a good chunk and thought his writing had come along nicely). The place was packed, Justin made an accurate observation in his blog (do I need to put a link, don’t most of you read his stuff anyway? Fine) http://www.justincousson.blogspot.com/ … there! He stated that room seated 40 people comfortably and there were 110 people crammed in there. The crazy part was people kept coming even when they saw that we were literally a tickle away from the BIGGEST ORGY YOU’VE EVER SEEN. I was pleased that a 28-year-old junior was performing it really made me feel like I wasn’t the oldest person in the room, cause I’m 25. Most of the comics seemed to garner a pretty great response (Justin, cover your face and look down about 2 lines), but one made me laugh without really making me smile, if that makes sense. I don’t remember the kid’s name, but he got up and read A NEVER ENDING STORY. At first I was childishly (yeah, I did just create that word) amused, and then I looked around after about 6 minutes and noticed that the room was kickstanding their faces. He had 10 minutes and used that story like a sponge, to soak up every second. The part that really made me laugh on the inside was when he turned to (about) page 4 or 5 and I looked over at the one black girl. She gave a sigh like someone just twisted a knife. Atif had some new (or just new to me) jokes that I liked, I feel terrible every time I’m around him cause I didn’t care much for him in our first encounter. We spoke about that long ago, I apologized cause I felt like my attitude showed, he forgave… homies. Without really speaking on my own performance too much, the kids were extremely kind to my jokes. I had more fun talking to them than I can recall in some time. Definitely an enjoyable ride home. I just wish I’d done one of their shows sooner. The way things are going, Justin might need to move to an auditorium or something, the demand is there…

How dare I not mention that some sexy comics will be at the DC Improv for the FIRST “Homegrown Comedy” showcase on October 10th. I love this list, I started with Will and Tyler S., and can’t wait to put on a great show with everyone involved. Grab a seat, if you dare

Hosted by: Hampton Yount
Eli Sairs, Will Hessler, Tyler Richardson, Jake Young, Nora Nolan, Adrian Rodney, and Tyler Sonnichsen.

Quote of the Week: “I still want them, I just don’t wanna pay. Why do you think I didn’t put them down on the move-belt thing? You gotta give them to me for free now, because I had to call you over.” – Customer at Bottom Dollar

The problem with eating a lot of Lasagna and my sweet Grandmama’s spicy (as f*ck) chili late when returning home from UMD are… riding in traffic on Friday morning with both feet crossed praying you don’t have to turn the car around.

Friday has officially become my day for Chipotle. Chipotle, listen closely “Though I love you, I cannot just hand over my paychecks. That’s not the agreement we had when we spoke about commitment. I can’t quit you, but I will cut you out of my life… a little bit. Don’t think for a second that if you see me unexpectedly on a Monday or Wednesday that I’ve come back for good. I’m weak, I’m just a man. Dammit babe, let’s not fight anymore! I do love you and I hate when you look at me like that. Let’s go back to my place.” Never mind what I said earlier about Fridays. We talked about it and I was jumping to conclusions. And I have an announcement… I’m engaged.

Random Grandpa memory: “When you were about 2 or 3, we were in Amsterdam walking through the Red Light District. We passed a woman in the window and you pointed at her, you said “Grandpa, I want that”. A man near us laughed and said “Well, he’s on the right track”. I said I know.” – Grandpa, he loved to tell me that story

I met someone about a year ago that I speak to on and off. It is incredible how a like we are. One door closes, another opens…

Here’s a sad racist moment that Nelson, Kevin and I shared the other day. While sitting and playing Soul Calibur IV, Kevin was sharing a story about a “FUNK” that worked it’s way through his floor earlier that day. He described the scent as “An Indian man that had not bathed in almost a month…” Nelson and I said, in unison, “Yeah” to agree we knew what kind of smell he was talking about. I immediately stepped outside myself and thought, “Damn, that was racist.” To be young…

Did anyone purchase T.I.’s album Paper Trail ? I keep forgetting to download it for free. Sorry T.I.

Okay, I’ve given about 1:30 of reading. Don’t worry, I’ve got a busy weekend ahead of me and that should lead into quite the post for Monday. Don’t quote me, cause I f*cked up last weekend and drove to “the Lizard” for no reason, but I believe Saturday is another show. You should definitely call Tyler S. first though. If you don’t have his number, you clearly aren’t a comic. Just kidding… but not really though.


Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Been a couple of days.... I hope you read every word. Aloud...

Why do people that have children think that makes everything involved in their life more important than people without? While I do plan on having some, one day, it really irritates me when they assume the world must stop for their child. And, they actually turn to you like you care or like you understand their kid comes first. Yeah, first for you… the parent.

While it might not always be “witty”, I honestly don’t want to live in a world that is so uptight poop isn’t funny. Do you?

My grandma and I watched a lot of “To Catch a Predator” last night… ah, family. I showed her the video of the guy who tried to run (I think I posted that last week, go watchies now) and she thought it was hilarious.

I see why Stone Cold Steve Austin was so ENORMOUSLY POPULAR back in the late 90’s. No matter how many times you hear it and don’t believe it, “You will work for someone that makes your life a living hell”. All you want to do is hit them with a Stone Cold Stunner and have some across the floor toss you a couple beers while you stand in cubicles celebrating and high fiving others. I get it now.

I honestly have no idea if I’m still supposed to go to Off the Wall tomorrow. Last time J Cousson mentioned it, I didn’t see my name on the list… hmmm.

T-Rich, that would be how I wrote it if the Fowlest pronounced it like Eli does. But it’s TRich. Eli, you may call me Tyler.

Now that I have all of my clothes prepared before I rush out the door, I feel a lot like I’m a kid again. “I don’t want to grow up, I’m a Toys R Us kid…” memories.

Allow me to say a few words about our fundraiser on Monday at the Spy Lounge. Crowd was silent, not to say the show wasn’t good, cause it was in my opinion. But perhaps that particular audience thought they would be watching Gallagher or something like that. They would have made Barney feel unloved. Still fun though, in retrospect.

I don’t jog cause I’m beautiful.

Do black people get cold sores? Based on my 25 years of research, “No!”, cause white people made that up to feel better about Herpes.

The new BET show Somebodies is actually really funny. I never thought Viacom could win me back but check out my week. I watched a good portion of the VMA’s on Sunday night. Monday I watched Run’s House and Celebreality shows on VH1. And capped it all of with Somebodies on BET yesterday.

Whenever I can’t see my supervisor I get so afraid that she’s off reaping souls…

I hope no one laughed at that last one, cause that threat is very real. Hide your loved ones and lure your enemies into the streets.

Due to the fact that I have The Dark Knight on my iPod, I truly have no idea how many times I’ve seen it. My guess, since I watch it at work all the time, 16. Sadly, I think I’m guessing low…

When you hear someone argue with their significant other every day, do you ever have the urge to interfere? I have bitten my tongue thus far, but “SNAP!” there’s only so much you can take before you yell out, “HE’S CHEATING ON YOU!” Hopefully I can keep that little gem to myself.

When I receive text messages from men I frown a little. From women, I do a happy dance. From children… well, I don’t have to talk about that. I’ve already informed all of my neighbors…

Who’s excited for Erin Jackson on The Ellen DeGeneres Show? I’m gonna DVR it and watch until my eyes bleed. And the next time I see her, I walk up and challenge her to a pop n’ lock contest. Can you imagine…

Gotta go, Satan beckons…


Friday, September 05, 2008

I plead not guilty your honor, she came too...

What do you do what do you do what do you do whaT

That is what I imagine insanity is like. Forever reading a book that doesn’t make sense, but is so addictive…

I’m almost ashamed that I like Soulja Boy’s song “Donk” as much as I do… but some people like Mind of Mencia. One man’s trash, another man’s treasure.

Yesterday I saw a woman crossing the street that was so fine all I stopped my conversation and got out of the car. I was parked at a red light and walked over to her to introduce myself. “Miss, you are gorgeous. My name’s Deaven (yeah) and I’d love to know yours…” I got back in the car with number in hand and drove off, the people behind me were pretty pissed cause I basically made them miss a light.

That story didn’t happen… yeah, “I LIED!” In real life, I saw her and began to talk the strategy out with my friend Josh on the phone. He said go for it, and I was pretty close to it. Then I thought about getting rejected and walking back to the car defeated. And people would be pretty pissed cause I basically made them miss a light.

Am I the only one that looks to the ground when passing an obviously gay stranger. Not that I have a problem with gay men, but for some reason I react like they could turn me with eye contact. I feel stupid but I’ve been doing it so long now it’s basically a habit. Like a Ku Klux Klan member that looks away from blacks, Jews and true religion (tee hee) afraid that it will turn him.

The image of a white guy making eye contact with a black guy and turning black is so evil I love it. Is anyone imagining him taking it “okay”? Or does he freak out in all of our daydreams? Yeah he does.

If no one saw that video from yesterday (it’s below A-holes) you are missing out of one of the best laughs I have had in some time. Go to the one where the kid tries to make a break. I’m pretty sure it’s fake, but God I don’t want it to be… when you’re done with that watch my friend Ashton rape his dorm room last semester. It’s difficult to watch if you know him, but I imagine it could even make a stranger cringe. Here’s a funny story about Ashton, take your minds back about a year. It’s a party for some kid and a bunch of people are standing around. MUCH older adults are mingling everywhere with a sprinkle of younger adults mixed in. Boredom sets in and Ashton is fed up. He says “ Let’s get this party started people!” and finds a CD. It’s Justin Timberlake (don’t hate), and he puts it on Rock Your Body. When the song hit, it was about as awkward as watching him hump the dorm room. An older white man got through about half of the chorus, did I mention that Ashton sang along while he gyrated? When he heard another “I want to rock your body to the break of day” that’s when he goes to the music and pressed stop. “Let’s not”, that’s Ashton. By the way, no he did not know the older white man.

After seeing the Republican National Convention last night I am 100% positive that John McCain is a robot. I’m not sure if he’s been put here to harm us, but when he puts his arms up (they only go about half way, and it ain’t the suit’s fault) I keep expecting a full blown attack. When he reveals himself to be a machine sent here to gain out trust and expose our greatest weaknesses, I will cry. I’ll weep for all of you, my family, friends, women I never got to bang, children, but most importantly for me. Cause I made a deal with the robots just to stay alive and be a human slave. I know it’s crazy but I need to live, and I will send everyone straight to the grave to keep doing so… don’t pretend like you’re better than me.

I never get tired of the line in Anchorman where Champ says “I literally $#!T a squirrel…” that is pure genius to me.

Why do so many Dallas Cowboy “fans” live in this area. If I go to Dallas, will I be surrounded by Redskins fans that just like to stay there and talk $#!T. I’m not even a Redskins fan, but I believe that Cowboy fans that show up to FedEx field should be mobbed. Move, or shut the F up! It’s ridiculous, there are more of them here then there are Redskins fans. Okay, I’m spent.

I don’t have feelings, just a book that Chuck Norris wrote about what to do to people in certain situations. Example: “Tyler, I don’t find you funny. Your blog sucks too.” Chuck Norris’ book states to urinate at his private parts and kick his knee in. Bless you Chuck, bless you.

Laters everyone, have a great, safe weekend. Who isn’t looking forward to O’ Shaunessy’s?!

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Catch me....

I know this man, ladies and gentlemen say hello to Ashton

Warning levels have risen from Bananamaniacal Yellow to Goat-Scrote Blue

Sorry, other than being crazy busy (actually working while at work), I saw that two people read on Monday and felt like I could slide for a day or so. But praise be to the wolf, I’ve got more than enough deranged stories for that @ss.

What happened to Ludacris? Maybe I just grew up…

Monday night I heard several (SEVERAL) gun shots right before we went to sleep. I was actually standing by the window and when I heard the shots, turned the light off to continue getting ready for bed. I didn’t peek to see if someone was shot, I certainly didn’t phone the police to tell anything, instead I got a lot of sleep. When Kevin and I were getting ready to head out the door yesterday he asked if I heard them too. We laughed that all we did was close our eyes and pray it didn’t happen anymore. He didn’t peek either, but since his brother was a cop he decided to see if anything became of it. I honestly don’t know why it was so funny to me that someone could’ve been lying there praying the police would arrive while I try to block it out. Later, when we got home after work, we discovered that Nelson heard them too. How desensitized our generation has become. But, on the plus side, Kevin’s brother said quite a few calls came in for shots fired in our neighborhood… at least someone is a snitch.

Why do I have songs from The Rocky Horror Picture Show stuck in my head?! I seriously doubt that it’s because I have the soundtrack on my iPod on repeat… or is it? Damn you Tim Curry, why do your words put me in a trance?

A woman just snuck up on me, it’s pretty easy with my expensive earbuds (I literally can’t hear anything), and I spun around like she just tickled me through time. I was in state of shock until she was done asking her question, though she avoided saying anything or laughing about it. What were her final words? “Sorry to startle you… (laughter)” I feel so emasculated.

I had a lot of McDonald’s yesterday, I know what that does to “the guts”… and now we play the waiting game.

Today I’m going to put something in the mail. I have to be honest, it feels weird, since everything since 2001 I’ve either e-mailed or e-paid. What the H3LL is a stamp?

It’s good that you don’t know what I’m putting in the mail, just in case you were wondering. That way when the police ask you “Do you have any idea what Tyler mailed” you can say “no” without it being a lie. For people that are eager I’ll give you a spoiler: a smorteen queer old’s dubic chair. Peace that together and tell me you didn’t smile. It’s not illegal to mail that, and my Grandma’s about to find that out first hand. Love…

Speaking of my Grandma, we had quite the interesting chat yesterday. Don’t know what made me call her but I did and here was how it started:
TRich: Hello Grandmamala! How goes it, you ol’ saucy thang?
Grandma: Hello Deaven (yep, she calls me that name), oh, I’m good. My arms broken so I’m just sitting here…
T: How did that happen?! Where was I?! Why didn’t anyone call me?!
G: Oh, I was walking my dog Hannah and she stopped in front of me. I wasn’t looking and tripped over her and hit my face on the ground, and broke my arms. I chipped my tooth and it went through my lip, it was through my shirt when I got up… which took a while. I eventually got up and saw the blood so I went home and cleaned myself up before I went to the emergency room. Your Mom didn’t even know until yesterday, I don’t need help, I’m alright.
T: (laughter)…

That’s all we’ll go into, but that visual cracked me up. Someone drove by my Grannykins and saw her flop over a dog and smack face first, then you just laid there for a while. That would be hilarious to see while driving. As long as I wasn’t watching my own Granny go SPLAT like that. But luckily she’s good, I guess, so no need to worry. She’s a tough ol’ broad. I told her I would put that on her tombstone, she said she’d prefer “Thug Life”. Not really though.

Spy Lounge on Monday is not an open mic, just in case someone who attends is reading this and not skimming. It’s a special fundraiser for MS, let’s do the list (in not particular order):
Erin Jackson
Jon Mumma
Seaton Smith
Bryson Turner
Sonny Fuller
Hampton Yount
Aparna Nancherla
Jesus Christ… in spirit
And hey, there may even be time for Eli and I. No promises though

I saw Robocop 2 yesterday, I have to say that it stood the test of time. I could even look past the outdated special effects. Something it to be said for a movie that not only made a child one of the villains, but showed him getting gunned down and dying in a truck. This was the EARLY 90’s… can’t wait for the remake. Are we all aware of the MANY remakes that are headed our way?
Nightmare on Elm Street
Friday the 13th
Child’s Play
Rosemary’s Baby
the real question is when are they gonna remake THE PUPPET MASTER?!

Am I spent? Yeah, I’m gonna read some stuff (blogs). Did we all know that apparently Not Hatin Just Sayin is back to regular blogging, we’ll see how long that lasts. But the videos of their welcome back speech make me laugh. I love Bryson’s line at the end “… Shame on you, Thank you.” Good times.

Be good everyone, if you come back later in the afternoon (like 5:30 or 6) I have two hilarious videos to post from YouTube. One is from a friend, I promise you don’t want to miss it. The other is from To Catch A Predator… sh’mon.


Tuesday, September 02, 2008

A Blumpkin

How was your weekend? Mine was relaxing… for the most part. No grand adventure to speak of , just a haze of memories that I missed terribly as I kept waking up between the hours of 3- 5:30 am. I almost feel like life is to forever miss what you can’t get back, no matter what is right in front of you. But on the plus side, Christmas is right in front of us (go with me, not against me)… How sad I will be on the 26th of December.

You tell me whether or not this should depress me: I got Tiger Woods Golf 09 and “I’m a beast”, but my arms are killing me. All the constant tapping is something even a gamer like myself isn’t used to. The best way I can describe it is “It feels like I’ve just had the work out of my life”. Nelson was stoked about that, my reaction “How sad is it that I do so little, playing this video game has got me weak?” Back to the game though, online play is sweet since everyone can hit at the same time.

Nelson is obsessed with the Blumpkin. Wikipedia that if you want: http://www.wikipedia.org/

I’m attempting to stop smoking, cigarettes, and we’ll see just how long that lasts. I have yet to buy another pack, so maybe it’ll stick… doubt it though. I’m just saying, “If you spot any pictures of me doing something out of the norm, like suckin’ a d*ck for pizza. Just know that I’m trying to kick a habit cold turkey here. Cut me a little f*ckin’ slack”.

Beer doesn’t make everything better, but it does make anything bad a little more bearable. “Tyler, I’m sorry to say this but I’m leaving you… are you listening? Oh, you’re drinking a Miller Lite. Good-bye, and hey (yeah) did you wanna blumpkin?” (of course I do)

I decided that traffic isn’t going to disappear by going more high tech, instead we need to dumb it down. What am I proposing? A Traffic Knight. A rider that Klip-Klops through traffic on his gigantic white steed, produced by inbreeding and a lot of horse steroids, to keep traffics flow as silky as my nether-hair. With a blade as wide as my d*ck… you know what? That was vulgar, and completely unnecessary, let me go back. Take 2: With a blade as wide as a fat chick’s list of guy friends, he would make sure that tailgating, excessive braking, doing your make-up and driving while female are corrected. Mostly, he’s there to push random $#!T and dead bodies out of the way for everyone’s morning commute. Not to be cold, but my boss doesn’t care about how many flips you did or that you were still smiling when I passed your decapitated head on 95. I gotta be somewhere…

Love is one of those funny, extinct, words is still used but no one is using it correctly anymore. I was just thinking about more words like that, here’s what I’ve come up with:
F*ck (look up where this word comes from if you “really” haven’t, chances are you don’t know)
Borrow (pens, gum, money…)
Friend (“Eh Gurl, let a n*gga get cho number! Oh, you gotta man… can we be friends then? Cool, now letta n*gga get cho number!”)
Jew (this is probably used as an adjective more than speaking of the faith)

I hate to give money to “mom n’ pop” places because I have a deep fear of everything I touch being soaked in semen. That’s just what I’m afraid of, how about you?

We are all allowed to listen to Michael Jackson’s music free of judgement at home, alone. As soon as you play when anyone else is within an ear shot, you just forfeit every ounce of respect they had for you. It’s not fair, most of us that judge you are saying “That song was the $#!T back when I was a kid!” But I still judge you anyway, we all do. That goes double for Nelson, who keeps singing P.Y.T., I’m sorry.

I have no idea if I passed middle schoolers or high schoolers this morning, but I do know we were looking each other in the eye. WTF are we feeding these kids?!

When is the last time you did the robot at work?
(what followed was a robot dance that started at Tyler’s cubicle and made it’s way out into the hall. Tyler danced into the bathroom and snatched a man out of a stall that was taking “le $#!T” then proceeded to force people to join in. He’d always been a fan of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and desperately wanted to recreate it. Halfway down the stairs, still mid verse (remember what song they all sang, you better cause I’m not gonna tell you) Security put a night stick right in his temple. He was crippled, but it was still something everyone speaks of where he worked, even 20 years later. As he fell to the ground in a seizure, the Traffic Knight came and moved his body to the side of the stairs… so people could get by)


About Me

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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