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Just as good as a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

It's snowing and I'm being held prisoner... at work


Well since Spy Lounge was cancelled last night I went out and put myself in situations where being mugged was of high probability. “Excuse me Spanishes, could you tell me where the nearest Citibank ATM is? I’ve got all this cash on me and it’s uncomfortable to sit… dang it, now I’ve gone and dropped all of my credit cards.”
Quick note: Baltimore Comedy Factory this Thursday 1/29- Saturday 1/31 opening for Don Jamieson with feature Erin Jackson! JAM!!

Mickey Rourke was offered $250,000 to play the villain in Iron Man 2. Not that I care but that’s pretty insulting for someone who looks at that amount like I frown upon being given a penny. I hate pennies.

What is it about small talk that people are so drawn to? I generally run from it, but yesterday I got caught in quite a few situations that call upon a little. One involved a “big” woman, one involved a guy (having a wenis is bad enough but then wanting to talk to another wenis) and the last one was someone who wanted me to join them on a ride to “smoke me out” (okay, the last one was a Godsend… even though he had a wenis).

I’ve wanted to get in a fight for sometime now and feeling like I’m a little buffer certainly doesn’t help that urge go away. I think when enough time goes by without a physical altercation perhaps we forget what it’s like to really be in a fight. When is the last time somebody punched you in the face, really f’n hard? Well Saturday I got a pretty good reminder of why people need to talk their differences out… I was raped. No insertion mind you, but it was about as emasculating as I can imagine. It starts with a big brute named David, my friend. While at my friend Josh’s house for his birthday party we just got done having a conversation that was too boring too remember, the quiet before the storm. Then a playful shove from David, no reason he’s just a big guy that thinks that is funny, I shove back cause I’m no b*tch. Then comes the mush, I mush back, then David did something that caught me off guard… he hugged me and flung us both over a couch. It hurt and my knees were pressed the wrong way on the spine of the couch. Somehow David managed to wiggle out of the scuffle and get back on his feet and behind me, that’s when he grabbed my arms and held them behind my back. He is quite simply, a big dude, I was helpless and since no one was throwing a punch everyone let it go. That’s when the slow grinding started, he humped me for the better portion of 2 minutes… at least it felt like that long. I’ve heard time slows down when in middle of Rape City, now I know… it’s true. I let some time go by and took all the laughter then let David know why I’m similar to an elephant (I don’t actually have to say that “they never forget thing right? F*ck, just did), cause as soon as he got comfortable I kicked him in the d*ck. Then we went outside and smoked a cigarette. Grown ass boys…

Nelson has no idea why rape is so funny to me, he asked me about it the other day. I’m absolutely disgusted by people that feel like they are better than something, like poop jokes. If something isn’t your taste then don’t eat it, but don’t turn your nose up at others who find humor. I still laugh when I fart and probably always will, the day I outgrow that I hope to be dead. Besides, until I’m a convicted rapist I’ll laugh at whatever I like and I hope that other people aren’t allowing some f*ckin’ squares who live a joyless life to dictate what they laugh at. All of that anger isn’t/wasn’t directed at Nelson, but my whole life people have judge what I found funny and said you should joke about or laugh at “___”. To answer Nelson, I made another rape joke and laughed at his disgust. Boosh!

What happened to Sean Paul, you know the light skinned Jamaican? I hope he’s not doing what MC Hammer does, murder for hire.

I understand why I’m not someone’s boss yet, because when I just saw the snow outside I lost my mind momentarily. I had a daydream of throwing all of my clothes off and running bare back into the snow bank. Snow angels, snowmen, laughter, lewd public behavior towards children who are trying to play in the snow… it was magical. Eventually they have to let us out of here, I actually hydro(snowdrop)planed while turning into work this morning. Jesus please!

Dear Wolf,

It has been sometime since I openly went recruiting for your new servants of the darkness. I sincerely apologize but you’re aware that I recently had a hemorrhoid removed, it’s just as painful as it sounds. I have reason to believe that my employer will not let us go home until shortly before it’s our normal time to go home. For once, and you know I hate asking for favors, please just let me go home around the same time as all of my friends. This is recockulous, there is a snow man with my name on it being built right now. If I know Nelson he’s probably hollowing it out so I can get inside and “reveal” myself through the hole where the genitals should be… but this isn’t about that. I’ve called on the Lord to help out but understand he is not easily swayed by the requests of CHRONIC sinners. So, in the event that my cries go overlooked, please keep in mind that for some extra free time today I would gladly stab a hobo. Just the tip of the iceberg to show my appreciation, I know how much you despise the homeless “everybody wants a handout”. Here’s to attacking an innocent little girl with an ice ball made to look like a snowball. Praise be to the wolf…


24 was awesome last night, as usual… what the f*ck else would you expect me to say about Jack Bauer? I don’t want him to show up here at my job and kill me. Because Jack Bauer’s fist can kill through time and space… damn, he’s good.

I’m going to go and do some tiddling, which is my new word for work. Let us pray that they’ll be an entire snow day tomorrow for me to write all of the random sexy that crosses these brows.

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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