If I had to guess I'd say your finger smells like cat penis... Am I right?

Lately life has felt way too busy, but sadly I’ve been slacking more the past few weeks than I have in a long time. But I’ve written a couple of new bits and am eager to see if it can make a fat man laugh or not. Cause that’s what I’m after, that chubby love.

Today I saw a disabled (definitely mentally, slightly physically) man at a bus stop. I see this man virtually everyday on the drive in. Everyday I avert my eyes because I don’t want to be rude. Today I stopped at a light practically right in front of him. I didn’t look away today. Instead I watched more than I should have. I watched as he turned around so the car right in front of him couldn’t see him. I watched him talk nervously to himself like I do when a situation is awkward. I became sad, not necessarily for him but because it could’ve been anyone. No joke there, just reflecting out loud. Never take the situation you have for granted, someone else might not think it’s that bad.

I could really go for some fried chicken.

I’ve set up my new AT&T wireless plan, I’ve reserved my new iPhone 3G S and I’m fully erect. Bring on June 19th!

My girlfriend thinks I have an Asian fetish. That’s the nicest compliment I’ve received in a long time, cause I am not attractive enough to have a preference. We uglies, we take what we can get, much love to all my mustache shorties.

Nelson and I have a couple of (what we think are) great ideas for the next Riding with Strangers webisodes. Keep your dongs crossed that we get off our lazy arses and do something.

I remember liking the Addams Family a lot as a kid, ah to be young and have no taste. Christopher Lloyd will always be the man though. Bless you sir, and next time you take a journey through time take me with you.

A grown man who has a Soulja Boy Tell’em Ring back is clearly not ready to grow up yet. “And Peter Pan told Tinkerbell to sprinkle magic dust on Jerome and he took off toward Never Never Land. And that’s how black people came to our island…” – Random Lost Boy

The fact that people still have to fax things boggles my mind, scan that $#!T on a computer baby… that’s so 2001.

Sometimes it feels good to go back to an old whore. I’ve abandoned DirectTv for Comcast and it feels good. It feels familiar, and I don’t care how many my friends it f*cked, let people say “it’s loose” or “it gave me herpes.” Why can’t they just be happy for us?

Right now T.I. is probably thinking “I’m rich, what the f*ck am I doing $#!TTING in this prison bathroom?”

Does anyone remember Chris Brown is a woman biter? Just making sure, cause he’s going to have a hit single soon… “Hit single” oh, that’s good.

While on the elevator an older white man spoke to me, just to clear things up “HE IS A STRANGER.” I’m pretty sure that when he exhaled during our conversation a booger went flying towards my feet. That is why you don’t speak to strangers, you have no idea what’s going through their head while you speak to them. I honestly don’t even remember what we talked about.

I went to Dave and Buster’s with my family last Saturday. Despite thinking that we have nothing in common, we bonded over the Tiger Woods version of Golden Tee. Good times. Speaking of which, my mom told me for her birthday today she was going to hang out at a gym and pick up 20 year-old-men. There's nothing funny about a man younger than me somehow diddling my mommy. Plus, it's impossible... she doesn't have a vagina. Both my sister and I are miracles, because she's a saint.

There is a picture of Mickey Rourke as Whiplash (from Iron Man 2). Call me nuts but it looks like somebody just said “Let’s have Iron Man face Mickey Rourke!” But it will be awesome… yes Lord.

Gotta run, I’ve spent too much time looking at the hundreds of accessories I’m buying to go with my new iPhone and there’s no time for this blog-a-ma-jig.

Peaces

It's snowing and I'm being held prisoner... at work

Well since Spy Lounge was cancelled last night I went out and put myself in situations where being mugged was of high probability. “Excuse me Spanishes, could you tell me where the nearest Citibank ATM is? I’ve got all this cash on me and it’s uncomfortable to sit… dang it, now I’ve gone and dropped all of my credit cards.”

Quick note: Baltimore Comedy Factory this Thursday 1/29- Saturday 1/31 opening for Don Jamieson with feature Erin Jackson! JAM!!

Mickey Rourke was offered $250,000 to play the villain in Iron Man 2. Not that I care but that’s pretty insulting for someone who looks at that amount like I frown upon being given a penny. I hate pennies.

What is it about small talk that people are so drawn to? I generally run from it, but yesterday I got caught in quite a few situations that call upon a little. One involved a “big” woman, one involved a guy (having a wenis is bad enough but then wanting to talk to another wenis) and the last one was someone who wanted me to join them on a ride to “smoke me out” (okay, the last one was a Godsend… even though he had a wenis).

I’ve wanted to get in a fight for sometime now and feeling like I’m a little buffer certainly doesn’t help that urge go away. I think when enough time goes by without a physical altercation perhaps we forget what it’s like to really be in a fight. When is the last time somebody punched you in the face, really f’n hard? Well Saturday I got a pretty good reminder of why people need to talk their differences out… I was raped. No insertion mind you, but it was about as emasculating as I can imagine. It starts with a big brute named David, my friend. While at my friend Josh’s house for his birthday party we just got done having a conversation that was too boring too remember, the quiet before the storm. Then a playful shove from David, no reason he’s just a big guy that thinks that is funny, I shove back cause I’m no b*tch. Then comes the mush, I mush back, then David did something that caught me off guard… he hugged me and flung us both over a couch. It hurt and my knees were pressed the wrong way on the spine of the couch. Somehow David managed to wiggle out of the scuffle and get back on his feet and behind me, that’s when he grabbed my arms and held them behind my back. He is quite simply, a big dude, I was helpless and since no one was throwing a punch everyone let it go. That’s when the slow grinding started, he humped me for the better portion of 2 minutes… at least it felt like that long. I’ve heard time slows down when in middle of Rape City, now I know… it’s true. I let some time go by and took all the laughter then let David know why I’m similar to an elephant (I don’t actually have to say that “they never forget thing right? F*ck, just did), cause as soon as he got comfortable I kicked him in the d*ck. Then we went outside and smoked a cigarette. Grown ass boys…

Nelson has no idea why rape is so funny to me, he asked me about it the other day. I’m absolutely disgusted by people that feel like they are better than something, like poop jokes. If something isn’t your taste then don’t eat it, but don’t turn your nose up at others who find humor. I still laugh when I fart and probably always will, the day I outgrow that I hope to be dead. Besides, until I’m a convicted rapist I’ll laugh at whatever I like and I hope that other people aren’t allowing some f*ckin’ squares who live a joyless life to dictate what they laugh at. All of that anger isn’t/wasn’t directed at Nelson, but my whole life people have judge what I found funny and said you should joke about or laugh at “___”. To answer Nelson, I made another rape joke and laughed at his disgust. Boosh!

What happened to Sean Paul, you know the light skinned Jamaican? I hope he’s not doing what MC Hammer does, murder for hire.

I understand why I’m not someone’s boss yet, because when I just saw the snow outside I lost my mind momentarily. I had a daydream of throwing all of my clothes off and running bare back into the snow bank. Snow angels, snowmen, laughter, lewd public behavior towards children who are trying to play in the snow… it was magical. Eventually they have to let us out of here, I actually hydro(snowdrop)planed while turning into work this morning. Jesus please!

Dear Wolf,

It has been sometime since I openly went recruiting for your new servants of the darkness. I sincerely apologize but you’re aware that I recently had a hemorrhoid removed, it’s just as painful as it sounds. I have reason to believe that my employer will not let us go home until shortly before it’s our normal time to go home. For once, and you know I hate asking for favors, please just let me go home around the same time as all of my friends. This is recockulous, there is a snow man with my name on it being built right now. If I know Nelson he’s probably hollowing it out so I can get inside and “reveal” myself through the hole where the genitals should be… but this isn’t about that. I’ve called on the Lord to help out but understand he is not easily swayed by the requests of CHRONIC sinners. So, in the event that my cries go overlooked, please keep in mind that for some extra free time today I would gladly stab a hobo. Just the tip of the iceberg to show my appreciation, I know how much you despise the homeless “everybody wants a handout”. Here’s to attacking an innocent little girl with an ice ball made to look like a snowball. Praise be to the wolf…


24 was awesome last night, as usual… what the f*ck else would you expect me to say about Jack Bauer? I don’t want him to show up here at my job and kill me. Because Jack Bauer’s fist can kill through time and space… damn, he’s good.

I’m going to go and do some tiddling, which is my new word for work. Let us pray that they’ll be an entire snow day tomorrow for me to write all of the random sexy that crosses these brows.