Wash that condom out... recycle baby.

I keep having the same idea for convincing my sister not to put any thought into intercourse: make her watch porn featuring me. The sneak attack is what I would use, don’t want her agreeing to watch my stroke… that’s disgusting. But a simple “Hey, check out this clip from That’s So Raven…” and I’ll have her doped. As soon as I hit play there is body paint, toe sucking’, ass slapping, blasphemy, oral, choking, gagging, more oral and as always the high five during doggy that is now trademarked into all of my films. I’ll scare her away because once she realizes that what she witnessed was just scratching the surface of a man’s creative and sexual mind she’ll need to study. Or make sure she’s in love first. Plus I’ll threaten her…

Today I’m going to the DMV. There’s nothing funny about that.

Well iPhone users (soon to be brothers and sisters), today the OS 3.0 went live, let the downloading begin.

The other day I had a terrible case of “Spicy Twice” (spicy going in, extra spicy coming out) but experienced rape-ish pain for the first time in my life. I questioned if I would make it in to work the next morning because it rocked me that bad. I was unable to wipe so I stood there clenching and switching tissue. All I could think was “is this what it feels like when you wake up in prison and just know you’ve been raped?”

The kid who murdered his family because they took away his Halo 3 privileges received a life sentence. Thank God, crazy people like that give video gamers a bad name and he would’ve killed anyway. Whether it was because his wife cheated or someone smudged his Puma, maybe just because it was a Tuesday, he was a killer. Let the animals in prison make love to him until he is sane.

Whenever I think of Will Smith’s son playing the lead in the Karate Kid remake it really stabs a part of my childhood. Cute kid, but I’d rather they made 50 year old Ralph Macchio look like a young twenty-something again. Let the ghost of Pat Mortia play Mr. Myagi… oh Jackie Chan. Where is Jet Li when you need him?

I enjoy seeing at what point during a Lil Wayne song my family will decide they have heard enough. For my mother last night the song was his Drought 3 remix of Upgrade You. My mother made it to “If you don’t like it n*gga f*ck you no Vaseline!” before she began reaching and saying “Okay now, turn it off.” Oh Weezy, you devil…

Sleeping… gorilla hand job… no wait, fat woman dream where all of the creases make a sexual sound whilst I get it on. Mmm, oh no, heres the poo- “ding”. Dynamite!

Lastly, in the short wick of this blog candle allow me to show you a reason why on Friday I will $#!T… with joy: http://news.cnet.com/8301-17938_105-10266380-1.html?tag=rb_content;tabbedPromoUnitHolder Let the feast begin!

Peaces

If I had to guess I'd say your finger smells like cat penis... Am I right?

Lately life has felt way too busy, but sadly I’ve been slacking more the past few weeks than I have in a long time. But I’ve written a couple of new bits and am eager to see if it can make a fat man laugh or not. Cause that’s what I’m after, that chubby love.

Today I saw a disabled (definitely mentally, slightly physically) man at a bus stop. I see this man virtually everyday on the drive in. Everyday I avert my eyes because I don’t want to be rude. Today I stopped at a light practically right in front of him. I didn’t look away today. Instead I watched more than I should have. I watched as he turned around so the car right in front of him couldn’t see him. I watched him talk nervously to himself like I do when a situation is awkward. I became sad, not necessarily for him but because it could’ve been anyone. No joke there, just reflecting out loud. Never take the situation you have for granted, someone else might not think it’s that bad.

I could really go for some fried chicken.

I’ve set up my new AT&T wireless plan, I’ve reserved my new iPhone 3G S and I’m fully erect. Bring on June 19th!

My girlfriend thinks I have an Asian fetish. That’s the nicest compliment I’ve received in a long time, cause I am not attractive enough to have a preference. We uglies, we take what we can get, much love to all my mustache shorties.

Nelson and I have a couple of (what we think are) great ideas for the next Riding with Strangers webisodes. Keep your dongs crossed that we get off our lazy arses and do something.

I remember liking the Addams Family a lot as a kid, ah to be young and have no taste. Christopher Lloyd will always be the man though. Bless you sir, and next time you take a journey through time take me with you.

A grown man who has a Soulja Boy Tell’em Ring back is clearly not ready to grow up yet. “And Peter Pan told Tinkerbell to sprinkle magic dust on Jerome and he took off toward Never Never Land. And that’s how black people came to our island…” – Random Lost Boy

The fact that people still have to fax things boggles my mind, scan that $#!T on a computer baby… that’s so 2001.

Sometimes it feels good to go back to an old whore. I’ve abandoned DirectTv for Comcast and it feels good. It feels familiar, and I don’t care how many my friends it f*cked, let people say “it’s loose” or “it gave me herpes.” Why can’t they just be happy for us?

Right now T.I. is probably thinking “I’m rich, what the f*ck am I doing $#!TTING in this prison bathroom?”

Does anyone remember Chris Brown is a woman biter? Just making sure, cause he’s going to have a hit single soon… “Hit single” oh, that’s good.

While on the elevator an older white man spoke to me, just to clear things up “HE IS A STRANGER.” I’m pretty sure that when he exhaled during our conversation a booger went flying towards my feet. That is why you don’t speak to strangers, you have no idea what’s going through their head while you speak to them. I honestly don’t even remember what we talked about.

I went to Dave and Buster’s with my family last Saturday. Despite thinking that we have nothing in common, we bonded over the Tiger Woods version of Golden Tee. Good times. Speaking of which, my mom told me for her birthday today she was going to hang out at a gym and pick up 20 year-old-men. There's nothing funny about a man younger than me somehow diddling my mommy. Plus, it's impossible... she doesn't have a vagina. Both my sister and I are miracles, because she's a saint.

There is a picture of Mickey Rourke as Whiplash (from Iron Man 2). Call me nuts but it looks like somebody just said “Let’s have Iron Man face Mickey Rourke!” But it will be awesome… yes Lord.

Gotta run, I’ve spent too much time looking at the hundreds of accessories I’m buying to go with my new iPhone and there’s no time for this blog-a-ma-jig.

Peaces