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Just as good as a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.

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Sunday, March 29, 2009

The weekend

That's a beautiful picture I took of the sky yesterday while walking my dog. I stare at the sky quite a bit, and yesterday got some great pictures. Like God was talking to me. Not funny, I know, but sometimes we all reflect. Right?
I bought a "Conway Twitty 25 Number 1's " yesterday. I also bought the Second Season of The Boondocks. I felt like people needed to see them side by side for the first time ever. Right after that purchase I drove to Chipotle and ordered tacos and a burrito (I normally don't eat the burrito, not a face of rice or beans) which are the reason that last 14 hours of my life have revolved around the bathroom. That's all I'll say about that. When I came down the steps after one of the Saturday shows, this woman was crying AND making out with her boyfriend (WTF?!). Then, she came outside while I was standing there and started to heave. I asked if she was okay and she gave me "the hand." I left her alone and started a conversation with an audience member. About five minutes later she threw up right on her shoes and stuff. I'm not her man, and she gave me "the hand" so I had no problem in snapping a photo while she continued to puke. I'm such a gentleman...
That's Kyle Grooms... who the f@ck is that random black man to the left? Hmmm.
You can't see them, but the feature act (Ron Snipes, far left) has waves so crispy he made me jealous. We actually sat and discussed them, as well as a strategy that will get me just as crispy. You know, for women and what-not.

Prison shot, Jon said he wanted to look as white as possible and the flash certainly helped that out. Right after this photo a man stumbled out of the showroom and bashed his face into the wall. He tried to sneak out behind his girlfriend hiding his face but his eye was blacked the f up. I took a picture of him as he tried to exit quietly, while everyone upstairs laughed. Good times.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

So, who isn't afraid of elevator rape?


Baltimore Comedy Factory! March 26-28th! TRich is hosting for Kyle Grooms!! w00t
Here we are again, a DVDuesday with a bang… not really, but I think Quantum of Solace came out today so “YAY!” to that.

Was there anything this weekend worth speaking of? Hmmm, other than “the usual” I can’t say that Nelson and I did anything special. Though I will say that despite what S.P.E. might tell you, Resident Evil 5 is insane!!!! Especially really high and in the dark of 2 A.M. Sean Paul Ellis… I call a decree of SHENANIGANS!

I like that AIG thinks they can still give out bonuses. It’s a risky yet bold maneuver that most people wouldn’t expect. Like showing up an hour late, turning on your computer and spending another 30 minutes in the can getting rid of all that Chipotle.

Today, “The Colonel” made my drive through traffic a living nightmare. I love HOT WINGS (they seem to be marketing them as “Sauce less Hot Wings” to white people) and have since I was a child. But they don’t like me one bit. Luckily, I woke up about a half an hour earlier than normal. But no matter how done you feel when you walk out the front door, it doesn’t matter in the middle of rush hour on the interstate. Something dropped, let’s just say the next hour and a half of traffic were no picnic. For the first time ever I thought of shoving a Pepsi bottle up my ass (just a little bit, don’t want to spill) and trying to concentrate. In my defense, I really didn’t think I could make it. Thank God my intuition was wrong huh?

“Tyler, how do I know when it’s time to start settling down?” That’s an easy question Geronimo (what, had to give him a name), I got the hunch when my mother stopped telling me to hide “the wang” from everyone. Gradually she moved to “Bout time you had some children… you know I’m dying right?” She’s not dying any quicker than you or I (unless you have Magic’s HIV, cause then you’re not dying at all) but like to put a rush on a (N Word).

24 was off the chain as usual last night, much props to Jack Bauer. West, west ya’ll.

Erections at work always suck, it completely takes the sentiment away when you start reminiscing about old nakedness and then you have to snap the bone. I don’ know how you guys do it (flipping into the belt still turns me on) but I find that if I try to snap it long enough, I’ve forgotten about whatever made me so rock solid.

Sometimes when I stop and just shut up, I can still hear James Jones running through a few minutes. Oh, what that man does to me… oh, what he does to you.

Erection putting me to sleep… loss of blood to the he… WAKE UP!!!!!! I’m here, gonna forget about the naked image. Oh God, why does my mind have to be a human highlight reel for sex.

I forgot my cell phone at home for the second time in the past couple of weeks. Please let someone have called or texted. If no one loves me enough to call and say “Yeah (N Word), all up in yo daytime minutes!” then I don’t want to live. I’m gonna eat a whole “thing” of Haagen Daaz and write a suicide note with a twist. (I was going to explain what that meant but after looking at it, I think I’ll just let you guys guess what that could mean.

I’ve decided that the next Riding with Strangers video will have nothing to do with sex. Mainly just because there are so many others things to laugh about… like toilet humor. Sadly, the next video won’t be about that either. Consider, if you will, a love story told through song. Not saying I can get Nelson to agree to that, but I feel like fork stabbing him will convince him to do just about anything.

I have big eyes. I feel them in my face when I look in different directions.

WTF happened to the BEATNUTS?

FACT:
Most people do not have $2000 saved in a bank account. I think just telling more people that, because at first it seems like a small number until you find out most people don’t have it, it important. Save people, there is a bit of a recession going on.

With that said, I’m out.

Peaces

Thursday, March 19, 2009

One more day until I can finally buy that suicide I've always wanted

Dear Liam Neeson,

I realize that now is a bad time, because we don’t know each other, but I wanted to give my condolences. It has come to my attention that your wife, Natasha Richardson, has recently touched death’s icy hog. I’m heartbroken for you, because anyone that makes something as beautiful as Taken deserves a good family that he can take into his tomb and have buried alive with him. Had it not been a head injury I’m sure you would have round housed the villain into a coma, but what could you do? I’m sure someone had to have brought up shrinking you down to the size of an amoeba and letting you battle blood clots within her blood stream… right? And why was her last name Richardson? You know what, it doesn’t matter right now “big guy.” Liam, I don’t want to sound like an obsessed fan or anything, but if you ever want to just listen to the police radio and beat the ever loving sweet crap out of criminals one night… I’d love to film you sir. Until that hot July night, I leave you with the words of Ja Rule “When I cry, you cry, we cry togefa (together)”

Sincerely,
Tyler

Saving money is a weird feeling for me. For a long time I would spend money the second I was certain it was mine, then “being broke” happened. Now that my situation doesn’t involve selling cars I strive to do whatever the old me wouldn’t do. I could never picture the old me grabbing a wad of $100 bills and making it rain on some hot young stripper. I aims to change that…

Today I was reminded just how quick life can come at you. Similar to watching the deer get hit a few weeks ago, today I saw a truck jump a median and come down the wrong way in my lane. All I heard was a loud screech and when I looked up a truck was about 15 feet in front of me in my lane barreling toward me. I immediately pulled right before braking, had to be sure I wasn’t going to get hit, then looked over what just happened. I have no idea how he did that because the median was an oblong grass median that couldn’t be mistakenly jumped. Or maybe he spilled coffee in his lap and lost all control for a second (that answer is the only one that isn’t dipped in heroine). My heart was beating like an angry gorilla outside your door waiting to rip your face off.

I forgot my wallet today. Yep, it’s going to be a fun 8- 4:30 today. Yesterday, I forgot my I.D. badge and thought it was aggravating having to piggyback my way in… at least then I could buy condoms if I needed them. What am I supposed to do if some big t!ttied woman rolls up on me like “Yo small, brown and sexy (yeah) I really been dying to suck off some guy I barely knew and you look just like that guy…” Am I supposed to let her service without Jimmy the magic Trojan? And catch Herpes (the forever dick-bubbulator)?! The only choice I’ll have it to take the HJ (handjob) like a desperate 11-year-old boy, I can’t do that! This mistake could cause Herpes dammit, Herpes.

Nelson has a new glass piece that we call “Candy Mountain.” It’s beautiful, all that orange and purple… makes you believe in Santa Claus all over again. And, it hits like a muthaf*cka too!

Punisher: War Zone is one of the gorier movies you can expect to see from an action flick… ever. It was almost sick, if I wasn’t so hard to disgust, I hope more people see it and it becomes a hit on DVD. I think with another shot at being Punisher, whoever that guy is can grow on us. Jigsaw could have been a bit more… “Better-ish” but I realize I expected a lot from an actor that was great on The Wire. He was no Heath, he was not Heath.

Something I wish I knew before smoking:
“Hey man, did you know that once you start smoking you’re going to start having little piece of lung come up out of your mouth from time to time? Yeah, first it will start as a cough up type thing. But soon you’ll notice that you’re starting to get that from laughs or just a hard breath outward. F*ckin’ sick dude.”

Not proud to say, but the other day Nelson and I found some fruit that was so old we swore one of us ate it long ago. Yep, we found that in the back of the (let me try to say it right) re-fringe-in-a-dor… no, damn! And it had more stink than Nelson’s nuts do. (But how would TRich know what Nelson nuts…) We got a new thing (box?) of Arm-N-Hammer and but it to work. That thing has been struggling to fight off that deep taint stank for the better part of two days and I commend it. I can almost hold my face in the (sigh) re-fridge-in-a-tore… refrigerator! I said it! Suck me beautiful, I knew I’d say it! F*ck you old 2nd grade teacher who said I was hopeless. Eat $#!T and choke you coke whore! OMG, she did choke… Where was I? Oh yeah, the funk is almost gone. New story…

As an adult, I know now that I would have been a member of the Foot (Shredder’s Clan) if Turtle Soup were delicious. And why would a gang spend all of their time hunting down those turtles if it wasn’t delicious? Exactly, Lord help them if I ever find out that gigantic mutant turtles are real, cause I’ll be coming for that soup dish.

My friend Cassaundra asked me a work-related question. After I answered with absolute-itude (I’m enjoying making up words today) she went and asked someone else behind my back. I’ve never understood why people do that about some things. Like if I ask you the time and you say 10:13, it is rude to ask the person behind you “Excuse me, do you have the time?” I just asked you. I don’t give a $#!T if it’s about to strike Armageddon, you don’t do that. That’s why people get their heads smashed on a rock in Africa… I assume. And you bet your ass I called her on that too. Then she accused me of being crazy (and compared me to a crazy person whom I shall leave nameless for fear of her contacting me) and tried to rattle me. Some people…

Uh oh, all the Pizza Hut I’ve had the past couple of days is starting to scream out from within my belly. All that f’n cheese man. I’m sorry Jesus!

Alright now, I'm done til Tomorries

Peaces

Monday, March 16, 2009

Well that is wallet, but that Crystal Meth was definitely a donation...

Well, can you believe the weekend is over just like that? I wonder if that’s what watching a child grow up is like. One day I can’t wait to look at my son (God, please don’t ruin the baby and my life by giving me a girl) and say “Wow, cursing already. Just yesterday I was tucking his middle finger back in when we went to Chuck E. Cheese’s.” They grow so fast…

I bought a new camera with the sole purpose of taking pictures with elderly folks. Time to decorate my cubicle with pictures that really capture what I like to do in my free time… pal around with “oldies.” Whenever I get a good one, I’ll include it in the blogs.

On Saturday I realized that for the first time in my life, I had encountered a crazy woman. For a long time I’ve been of the belief that if a crazy woman wants you, you might as well let her have you. No point in running from someone that wants to give you some lovin’ right? So wrong, because now I see that no physical pleasure is worth putting up with someone that you think may stab you if the opportunity presents itself. I realize that she could reading but even she has to know that she’s bat$#!T crazy. Yet again, all I can think is “Wow, someday this going to be someone’s mother.” I wonder what my mom was like in her 20’s.

Will Ferrell’s George W. Bush “thing” on HBO was pretty hilarious. I caught it last night right before bed and if the ex-president had been half that charismatic he could have won over at least 35% of the country. Instead…

Saturday night was St. Patrick’s Day. Being black, I did not realize it until Kojo brought it up. All we could hope was that punching people who didn’t wear green had gone out of style after age 11.

Something seems weird about knowing you’re going to eat at a grungy restaurant for lunch ahead of time. I’m really not looking forward to the KFC that is in order. I keep picturing roaches preparing my popcorn chicken… without hair nets.

Nelson and I took part in a “shady” dealing yesterday. The whole story is pretty long and boring so I’ll just give highlights:
-We pull up to a strange neighborhood and Nelson isn’t sure where his friend lives
- The friend leaves us waiting for about 15 minutes, long enough to listen to about 5 songs by Twista
- He comes down with J in hand, in the open parking lot, in broad daylight
- Reaches in to pass said J to Nelson
- Suddenly he realized that the legs in the passenger side are me, he does not know me
- We begin speaking about the military
- A car pulls up behind and blocks us in
- The friend goes to the car and gets in, it speeds off down the street
- Nelson and I weren’t sure who that car was, but did not stop the rotation, it was good $#!T
- They come back and I proceeded to give the weakest dap of all time, limp like a strudel

Resident Evil 5 is INSANE! Anyone that has it knows, if you don’t go to IGN.com and look it up. Best $70.00 you could spend, unless Beyonce became a very cheap hooker.

I’ve lost my du-rag, not really all that important but I had just broken that one in. If you see it on someone else’s head, snatch that b*tch off and mail it to me. It’s black…

Paul Blart: Mall Cop is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. I love you Kevin James but you stole $21.50 from me (damn, it’s expensive to go to the movies now). You’re lucky my date was so fine, otherwise I’d be pissed.

Since I’m going to lunch soon I’ll try to wrap this shebangybang up with a final thought.

Ron Silver, Actor and Political Activist, age 62 is dead. Sigh, "why do you take the good ones and let Nick Cannon go free Lord? Why?"

Friday, March 13, 2009

Sir, is this resume on a Fruit Roll-Up?

Homegrown Comedy should be off the chain tonight, all those funny people in the same place... dancing. We've decided not to tell jokes, a hoe down is what won out in a game of rock, paper, scissors. Here we come Improv.

Had a blast with Will, Eli and Damone (it’s been over a year and people still miss Tim) at the Arlington Cinema N’ Drafthouse last night. I got to see hot women, I met the Sairs (who Eli is the spittin’ image of) and battled with Lasagna from Wednesday night. I had a ball, I believe there may even have been a chuckle or two mixed up in the madness.

After that skedaddled (I have never typed this word before, thank you spell check, I'm not even going to show how I spelled it... sigh) over to Jake Young’s open mic at the Comedy Spot. I will give Jake credit, even as comic after comic came in late, he never so much as flared an annoyed nostril. He just kept adding people to the list, I admire that. I saw a lot of faces that I missed (the list would be pretty long because it seemed like everyone telling jokes in our area was there) and the theme from Cheers kept playing in my mind.

I feel it only right to mention that Chris Barylick took a nasty spill when he did the “slide on the floor and tell a girl how he’s violating copyright law” bit. I saw someone (who will remain nameless) start laughing right after he hit the ground and immediately started laughing with them. Things are always funnier if others laugh first… sigh, I’m weak. It was still funny though, I love Chris.

Going to Ruby Tuesday’s in like 20 minutes… yep.

Tonight is going to be a bit of a long night, but tomorrow I get to sit and cuddle with Resident Evil 5 for a little bit. Oh, I’m drooling, I’m going to buy my copy on the way back from lunch. What a great day this is turning out to be. I’ve always had good fortune on Friday the 13th(s) and this one should be no different. (“Please God let me stumble across some ass tonight…”)

I thought I’d go ahead and speak on that lasagna I battled with yesterday. The count was 5 times yesterday, and even sadder, I got home and ate even more than the night before. Some people just don’t learn, but I duped myself into thinking my stomach and anus might build up a tolerance… eventually.

Is it fair that women like Beyonce exist? Honestly, unless you’re Jay-Z I think the answer is no. If they do exist they certainly shouldn’t be allowed to be photographed. Making people aware that there were more flavors than just vanilla would be cruel if no one could ever have some. Right?

I guess by that same logic, men like Will Smith should be kept in hiding as well. I need some woman to think I’m a catch one day darnit.

I’m going, if I’m bored I’ll update this. If not I’ll see a lot of you guys this weekend.

Peaces

Thursday, March 12, 2009

TAKEN has a sequel on the way! REJOICE CHILDREN!

Come out to Homegrown Comedy tomorrow night at the DC Improv at 8 PM!!! Eli Sairs is your host and here is the line-up: Alycia Cooper, John McBride, Aparna Nancherla, Tyler Richardson, Mikael Johnson, Jason Weems, Sonny Fuller.

Well, yesterday the children never came down to laugh. What do comedians do when the audience doesn’t show up? Rock out to Rock Band in the hospital’s game room. And a partridge in a pair tree…

Darn this Christmas music that runs through my head all the time, that last sentence didn’t even make any sense.

People have way too many rules, I find out about these rules after I’ve broken them. Examples you say; “Are you drinking soda this early in the morning?” I had no idea that there was a time when it became fashionable to drink soda. I have always just wanted it when I was thirsty. “Wow, you’re drinking beer this early?” If it’s Saturday, it’s SATURDAY. I’m not married, nor do I have a second job that requires I be alert and operate heavy machinery. Wherever I go, I want a buzz. “You’re wearing blue and black?” This is one “girl fashion rule” I will never understand. Nelson and I were talking last night about how a neutral color can possibly not match with something. Every man that I know doesn’t understand this logic, most don’t even follow it because they do go together. Don’t tell me something that looks that cool can’t be right. Just don’t… (somewhere a woman is shaking her head, well I shake right back at you Ms.)

Elvin Bishop sang I fooled around and fell in love. Thank you Mr. Bishop.

In case you missed the title, TAKEN will have a sequel. Pray for the best, and thank you Liam Neeson.

Personally I think a scarf on a man is effeminate but I briefly considered it yesterday while on Amazon.com. A Burberry scarf (cause if I’m gonna be gay I at least want to be fashionable) was somewhere around $300! I would have more fun paying a homeless man to eat 300 $1 bills. No spank you Burberry, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. What would your mother say?

Crisis avoided: This morning I thought I could hear all the lasagna I inhaled last night speaking to me. That lasagna decided to shut up when I got in the car to fight traffic. Thank goodness, I look way too good to be smothered in poo today… not that it was a possibility. But for a second I thought it might be.

On the off-chance that I get stood up tonight (remember Babygirl from last summer?) then I’ll finally get to check out Jake & Tyler’s open mic at the Comedy Spot. I’m not sure which to root for.

Just thought I’d take a second to shout out Eric Monocle, if you don’t know him feel free to Google him.

I never thought I could ever be the victim of identity fraud, but my account says otherwise. Just goes to show that using commercial sites (meaning they don’t look like a 6-year-old made them) doesn’t mean that you’re safe. Check your statements kids.

Until last night, it had been a long time since I wrote a new joke. That’s just f*cking depressing. Thank God that’s over.

S.P.E., I didn’t want to text you because I don’t know how early you go to work in the morning… but, if you stand me up this weekend I’ll kill you. Just like I did to Winnie the Pooh. And I’ve loved Winnie all my life Sean, all my life.

I keep flashing back to crawling around my mother with a laundry basket over me pretending to be a ninja turtle. To be young…

After hearing about the Alabama “rampage” on Tuesday, I can’t stop wondering what his last meal might have been. If I knew that I was going to go out in a hail of gunfire I would make sure that last meal was my favorite. Problem is that I have issues with choice, it takes me forever to rent a movie, let alone pick my last meal. Wendy’s or Chipotle? Fast Food or A Meal? Chicken or Steak? Sober or not? I could do this all day. Chances are that they would have to report a “rampage” (I keep the quotation marks because most of the people he killed were family, that’s like cheating because a stranger might not trust you. “Hey who wants this slice of… of $#!T Billy has an ASSAULT RIFLE! GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!!”) took place that involved a man stopping at different restaurants along the way. They would report on my killings with accompanying foods. “He killed this man while inhaling a Spicy Chicken Sandwich from Wendy’s, look at all that saliva. He was a monster…”

Tomorrow my team is eating lunch at Ruby Tuesday’s to celebrate a graduation… that’s right, people still eat at Ruby Tuesday’s. I’m just as shocked as you are, this girl could’ve picked anywhere in the Tyson’s Corner (expensive restaurants!) and went with Ruby Tuesday’s. Sigh…

Peaces, RE5 tomorrow my fellow geeks! I see you Atif!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Kerri Hilson?!

Where have you been? What do you mean “Where have I been?” I’ve been here, bloggifying. Well I’m sorry that I forgot to post them. Well I can’t go back and post them now, I deleted them. I don’t know why I did that, sometimes I don’t make sound decisions. I thought you’d be happy if I started from scratch. What’s that? Yes I know that I’m a poor liar but I will lie you into submission. Because I don’t quit and… look either jump on board of f*ck off. I didn’t mean to yell… no I don’t hate you, you just… I’m sorry to. Let’s never fight again imaginary reader, ever.

That YouTube video cracks me up, I think it was when he threw all of his pots and pans to the ground. Dedication, you gotta love it.

Without intentionally trying, I seem to have been a rather large prick the past week. That is all.

Tonight I get to bathe in the laughter of children. Is there anything sweeter than seeing a child buckle over with laughter? What’s that imaginary reader? Why on earth would it be sweeter to see them buckle over with sheer ecstasy? Wait, are you talking about the drug?! That’s sick… but I can’t judge you. I fed ecstasy to pigeons just watch them roll around in their own bird $#!T. We’re so like minded…

I just wanted to throw out that I’ve never even seen ecstasy before. I don’t want to be anywhere near something that chews holes in the brain. But you can pass DuPont paint, huffin’ time.

Least appealing suicide: Falling to my death, so much time to think of what I could have done not to fall.

New slang of the day: Potopenko , there was a time when a basketball player with that last name dominated my vocabulary. It is an adjective with no particular definition. Use as you see fit. “I told her I was out of condoms and she told me she owned a vacuum… it was simply Potopenko.” Proceed…

Apparently Lil Wayne will not be releasing Rebirth, the alternative album with the single “Prom Queen.” Thank God.

I honestly don’t understand how people are going crazy over Crack a Bottle (new Eminem song). I speak as a huge fan back in the day when I say he should have stayed away. He used to be lyrical and angry, now he’s trying to be too comical and sings in almost every song. WTF happened to my youth and it’s role models. Where the f*ck is Bobby Brown when I need him.

I can’t wait to see Will Hessler tomorrow night at the Drafthouse. Every time I see him he’s bigger and has a more majestic beard than before. I pray that when I see him tomorrow I’m just hugging a giant puff of facial hair. Like Cousin It, but Jewsih-ly fro’d out like Will Ferrell. Bless you Will Hessler, bless you and minotaur that you keep as a house pet.

Donate to the homeless… what, I can’t be a good person too?

After seeing Role Models, which was one of the funnier movies released last year, Nelson and I concocted a plan. Find a way to hit on women that is deep and shows them we’re good people. I think the kid idea is a little passé now, but there has got to be something else. I’m even considering hanging out with my sister more so people will say “Look, he’s a good big brother… bet his d*ck tastes sweeter than Yoo-Hoo.” Yeah…

Is anything creepier than a stranger coming up from behind and pausing only to walk away right as you turn around? Yep, just happened…

How bad-ass would it be to walk through a crowd of people at the beach and straight into the water then snatch up a fish and come walking right back? If only my imagination could come true. Cause think of all the “cooz” I’m getting when I come back out of the water with a swordfish slung over my shoulder. “Oh my God did you see that guy snatch up that fish? I hope he puts his wenis in my smagina.” If find substituting dirty words funnier than being too direct. What do you think?

I’ll leave you all with a quote that inspires the H-E-double hockey sticks out of me:
“You ain’t gonna believe this...but you use to fit right here. (Rocky holds up his right hand) I’d hold you up and say to your mother, this kid is gonna be the best kid in the world. This kid is gonna be better than anybody I ever knew...and you grew up good and wonderful it was great just watching you everyday it was like a privilege. Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world and you did... But somewhere along the line you changed...you stopped being you...you let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you're no good...and when things got hard you started looking for somethin' to blame...like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows, it's a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, nobody is gonna hit as hard as life! But it ain't about how hard you can hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep movin' forward, how much you can take...and keep movin' forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth! But you gotta be willing to take the hits and not pointin' fingers sayin' you ain’t where you wanna be because of him or her or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that! ... ... I'm always gonna love you no matter what...no matter what happens...you're my son, you're my blood...you're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a life. ... Don't forget to visit your mother.”

Peaces

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Apparently, now I'm a racist


I know that you had to miss my sultry voice a little bit right? Oh, and here is a comment from yesterday on a really old blog (last August) that tickled me:
“you sick idiot, how could you be so racist! You openly said " I hate
Africans" I think you are a disgrace to nature and you should remember its
2009, if you're racist you are frowned upon. How disgusting and for your
information my husband is African”
– Someone who is a little upset

For some reason I think that lady thinks I’m white. I know that I don’t have to be white to be racist, but why would she tell me that her husband is African. Hmmm…

Let me get this out of the way so a stalker knows where to snatch me at:
March 11- Fairfax iNova Hospital (making smiling kiddies giggle)
March 12- Arlington Cinema N’ Drafthouse
March 26 through 28- Baltimore Comedy Factory (Kyle Grooms is headlining!)

There are actually a couple of e-mails I’m waiting on, but shockingly I’m looking forward to March this year. Hmmm.

I would love to pretend that hundreds of people are searching for me everyday but it is nice that people searching for photos are stopping to check out… well, whatever this is. I dig it, I also dig Wendy’s chocolate Frosty. That’s probably because I’m eating one right now.

I’ve decided to start taking pictures with random old people and lining my cubicle with them. I have no children, don’t really see my family that much and never really got down on snapping pictures in the first place. Sadly, and full of arrogance, the reason I want to take pictures now is because I want to remember how good I looked. Oh, I may not have won the blue ribbon but one day my children are going to look back at ol’ dad and say “He could get it…” To which I’ll reply “I’m your father! Go to your room!” Ah, to be young.

Took a three (laziness is crippling) break from working out and just went back yesterday. Today, based on body language and stance, I will be playing the part of the horseshoe crab…

That random person’s comment yesterday reminds me of a great moment in Kevin history: Standing in line waiting for the concession stand at the theater, Kevin has troublesome eye contact with the woman behind him. He leans in to whisper to Nelson, “Looks like that lady behind us has a TOUCH of autism.” When he turned she was making more eye contact and standing much closer to his face. It was awkward.

Jesus, three years ago I was blogging from a car dealership, and terribly depressed. I cannot wait to see what three more years bring to me. “Please not a kid, please not a kid, please no…”

A scientific question:
Does farting right after applying cologne nullify its effect?

A scientific answer:
Only if you’ve been to Five Guys within the past 17 hours.

I thought it was weird that the Five Guys in Woodbridge, VA placed “Voted Brooklyn’s Best Burger in 2007” on the marquee. Well now, maybe that can work. Let me try: “Come to McDonald’s, Not a drop of semen in the grease since 2006.” Yeah, I think I get it now. w00t

The song “Pop Champagne” is my new (dance naked while puffin that magic dragon) JAM.

Will Leonardo DiCaprio end up a great actor forever, like Jack Nicholson? Just something to think about.

I hope we’ve all got tickets to the Watchmen, some reviews have ranted and raved while others… no so much. This will be one we just have to think for ourselves on.

Least intelligent thought in awhile:
When someone mentioned the Glass Managerie, I became confused and immediately started reminiscing about the Glass Elevator (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory Part Duex). Luckily, before I could interject and let everyone know that I had no clue what they were talking about the name Tennessee Williams go mentioned. I realized then that at some point we must grow past the third grade. But man, I just don’t want to.

Has anyone actually thrown up because of the topic of conversation while eating? Because I would excuse that person and never forgive them. Being grossed out by what someone is saying is childish. Someone could be dropping the deuce and I could stand right over them eating a sandwich. Am I Superman? No, maybe a lot of people just have a lot in common with Lex Luthor. That didn’t make sense, but you know what I’m talking about.

I almost had a N*gger moment when someone came close to stepping on the ol’ Lacostes last night. I’ve never been the type to get “all swole up” for no reason… but if he stepped on my shoe…

I taste a little blood. WTF does that mean?! Please God, tell me a booger just got stabbed by a Hispanic.

Well, I’m gonna go, look for a new video really soon. And Jermaine and I will have this new thing ready. I heard from him last night and now celebrities are giving him quotes to live by. Rhymes with Smave Gazelle… get busy guessing.

Peaces

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

She's got a d*ck/ Best Man

Enjoy yourself people, here's another lesson from Riding with Strangers!

About Me

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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