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Just as good as a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.

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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I got you Chipotle's, now take your shirt off.


When I arrived, on time might I add (I’m black and common sense tells us that is an accomplishment), my desk was weighed down by the smell of food someone brought in. Naturally, I assumed it was someone’s cultural dish and was a little upset at the gall. After some sleuthing I discovered that it was vegetables. Someone must have rubbed those veggies on a hobo’s happy trail because they almost made my friend Jessica yak. Sigh, Wednesdays…

Hope everyone that celebrated a holiday had a great one. Here we are on the eve of Kwanzaa’s conclusion and I feel all tingly inside. By the way, my supervisor is on maternity leave and there are a bunch of Christmas presents on her desk waiting. Did I mention that she is Muslim? At what point did everyone just disassociate Christmas with Christianity? Are there really people out there that believe the holiday is simply about giving and receiving presents? Every time someone gives a Christmas present to someone who isn’t Christian an angel loses their wings; true story.

The thought of a knight riding on a horse while the knight is on fire makes me laugh. I’m a simpleton.

I haven’t written a joke in a raccoon’s age. Just need more focus I guess. Thank goodness Nelson brought home a big bag of focus from the focus dealer yesterday. I’m going to focus hard right into the new year.

“Dancing is for queers.” – Stoney Rockfeet

I think a lot of women might actually believe that saying things like “hi” and waving at men are innocent. Men believe that any woman that pays you attention, whether it’s to say hello or even if she just uses an LOL or ;) that she is attracted to them. It’s the law, if you don’t wanna do me, act like I don’t exist.

I hope gets to be with someone they care for on New Year’s Eve, if not maybe life will land you in front of someone with potential soon.

He takes a sip of Cherry Coke, then he thumbs the zipper. Nobody’s the wiser…

GUCCI! (sorry, I’m listening to his album and got caught up in it) BURRRR!

I’m glad that the Nautica emblem on my sweater is small. Otherwise it’d be like when I wore bobos (cheap tennis shoes) to school in middle school. Not a good time for a materialistic young man. Ah, to be young.

Slapping people should be legal because it’s a victimless crime. Yeah, you heard me.

Where the h is Anthony Hamilton? You give us a magical CD and disappear for half a decade like Maxwell? Don’t be that performer, be like Lil Wayne, give us a song every 24 hours.

Well sir, I’ve got to be going to Chipotle now, duty-McCall!

Peaces

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

That snow knocked my clothes clean off... condom too.


Brittany Murphy is dead. I really hope that Little Black Book isn’t movie they still show in hell. No one should have to be hounded for an autograph in the afterlife. R.I.P.

I’m staring at Chinese food on my desk and wondering exactly what animal is sitting in this container. I just hope it isn’t a Unicorn. That meat will kill you, only the elves eat them and survive. Yep, I read a lot of fairy tales.

Right now I’ll bet Al Pacino is shaking someone’s hand. I wish they’d follow that man with a camera. Sometimes I just think to myself “It’s 3:13 PM, I wonder what Pacino is up to.” I can’t be alone on that one.

There was a time when I was a slave to Snickers bars like I am to the ALMIGHTY Chipotle. I’m glad to see that I’m eating healthier. All that nougat was murder on my extra soft Charmin rolls…

Just found out a new prospect is younger than I thought. Blarg! Still very legal, just not as old as I prefer.

People abandoned their vehicles in the snow over the weekend all over my neighborhood. It was actually pretty funny. I had a good two hour adventure walking down the street to the Wal-Mart and carrying a plethora of snacks and a 24 pack of Budweiser (they were out of Miller Lite, I’m still a one woman man) up the street. It started with a walk to the closest grocery store, the lights were on but no one was home, seriously. Then Nelson and I walked over to peek in the Exxon, no lights and no Arabs to work the shop. We were blessed to see people walking with bags and then followed, it was a lot like a post-apocalyptic movie. That night I ate an entire bag of Funyuns. I’m a hippie, what can I say.

Young Money’s album We Are Young Money is pretty decent. Better than Dedication 3 (a Lil Wayne mixtape where all of the members were thrown on EVERY song) and I went in with pretty low expectations.

Another note about that album, if I ever have the chance to offer Nicki Minaj a sacrifice I will. I don’t care if it’s got to be human, that lady could have my first born child. I’ll just get another one, I saw a store called Babies R’ Us.

Testicles, that is all. – Peter Griffin

This blog has unofficially become the hot spot for people looking up information on Sasquatch. I’m kinda tickled by that, but it would be nice if they were searching from funny every once and awhile and stumbled on these scrawlings I call comedy.

I have on a lime green shirt today. I realize I look like a chode, but women look at me with hungry eyes when I wear it so I do. Love me!

This Chinese food is definitely Unicorn.

So that no one uses it; the word “Oriental” is inappropriate now. Just wanted to save some awkward stares if I could. I had to find out the hard way.

Going to lunch now-ish, uncork that wine you all keep at your desks and give a big swig for the gipper.

Peaces

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

This doesn't smell or taste like cheese but I already ate half...


Madness comes in many forms. This morning it appeared to me as a Spanish man driving next to me in traffic. His stare was straight out of a Hitchcock movie and he helped mold my day. Paranoia is a mutha…

Tonight, I’m off to the “Scene” for jokes and stuff. I have no idea who will be there, whether there will be an audience or if I should shave. One thing I’m hoping for is a hug from Santa when I arrive. “Oh my sweet d*ck, Santa! What the F are you doing in D.C. right before Christmas? Shouldn’t you be preparing for the ride? Oh shiggity, you brought me that flesh light I’d been looking at. I always believed in you man.”

Fine women; slowly I’m noticing the more I listen the less fine they become. Could my grandpa have been right about finding an ugly woman with money and finding happiness? I’m starting to lean my erection towards “yes.”

Eminem has two new singles for the Relapse 2. Both are okay but still not like his old stuff. I wish he would start taking drugs again. You can tell he’s sober now, I miss my youth.

Something seems unhealthy about listening to John Legend and watching someone eat food from their homeland. I keep having this urge to pelt them with a stone. I guess I’m just old fashioned, like 10 B.C.

Gay guy just caught me doing a booty scratch. Maybe now he’ll think I have something and I don’t have to avoid eye contact whenever I’m in his radius. My rape-dar goes bananas when I get too close to that guy, he’s a fiend.

I gotta go to the gym, my shirt feels heavy.

The more I hear people talk about New Year’s Day and plans, the happier I am to be alone. I don’t know why I despise everything people are okay with, but spending a lot of money to go out like I would any other day seems crazy to me. Cocaine crazy, but I’m sure I’ll find myself on some kind of an adventure that night. Lord, let there be some strange at the end of that tunnel for me.

Dear wolf,

On the off chance Jesus was too busy to catch my last request, hook dat shiggity up! Holla at ya boi. I’m kidding, I know how much you despise slang. Seriously though, strange… make that happen. Kisses.

What I got by Sublime, now that $#!T always make me smile.

I want Chipotle’s but am going to fight this craving because… actually I don’t know why. Peer pressure to avoid my only love I guess. Why can’t everyone just be happy that I fell in love? Why do they have to shoot down my joy because they don’t have a food of their own? Stay tuned, tomorrow I’ll premiere the sex tape between myself and a big ass Chipotle burrito. “It was stuffed full of meat and chee(se) until I stuffed it full of me…”

Dear Kanye West,

I was just listening to your first album earlier. What the F happened between then and now? I’m not even talking about your behavior either. You were talented and fresh, now you’re just Kanye West. Come back and make a follow-up to Late Registration like you should’ve done three years ago. Thanks, signed by a former fan.

Did anyone know thaw WPGC is owned by CBS? I just find that interesting.

Haven’t written a new joke in 30 hours, something is wrong. There’s a disturbance in the force… (he stands up and unsheathes a light saber. Running into the distance, he disposes of several acquaintances before diving out a window)

Well, I’m back from Wendy’s (because that’s why I jumped out the window) and now I must do some work.

Peaces

Monday, December 14, 2009

You can't dance like that here; because you don't have pants on.


And here we are fresh off the weekend. There were a lot of new comics at the drafthouse on Saturday night. It was nice, so was the crowd, if you missed it then you missed everyone busting out into the Macarena. There was pie and punch…

I’m a writing machine (please pronounce that like you are Argentinian) lately, perhaps its all this Christmas spirit going around? Maybe it’s all of this recreational “yogurt” I’ve been enjoying. Whatever it is, I hope it has a Christmas gift for me. I’m thinking I’d really like a whole troth of Chitterlings. If you’ve never seen Boomerang, just go.

I bought a Snuggie for a White Elephant Christmas party on Friday. The Snuggie was supposed to be for me, I don’t care what people say, I want one darn it. But, since the only design they had was a leopard print (think cougar walking through a seedy bar) I decided some lucky girl could have it. Still felt judged when I put it on the counter for the cashier. To make my purchase more masculine, I added a pack of Stride gum. Mmm, now that’s manly.

I saw some of Robin Williams new comedy special. Who am I to talk about a legend? So we’re going to end this right there; “I saw it.”

Women are pretty predictable. It’s a time of year that people like surrounding themselves with friends, family and loved ones. So at times like Christmas, Valentine’s Day and birthdays they come out of hibernation and sift through the men they haven’t spoken to in awhile. Suddenly the phone is ringing and old names pop up in our phones. Sigh, the mother of my children is out there somewhere, I hope she’s reading a bible right now…

Uh oh, when is the last time you heard Feel So Good by Ma$e? Thank you iPhone, you knew just what I need to dance my way downstairs and get some grub.

I finally have the entire series of Seinfeld, my favorite show ever followed closely by Curb Your Enthusiasm. I started getting them about 4 years ago and slowly (even though I meant to get them all when they came out) I’ve finished something I started. It feels, phenomenal.

I have a new superstition. If I am incredibly silly before I go onstage things seem to go better. I’ll continue testing out this theory and report back with further findings. If I bomb I’ll have to come up with something else. Dear Wolf, please…

Quote of last Week: “Hey, that lady can walk! She’s a walker” I saw a woman coming out of CostCo on a rascal. She was swinging her legs and then seemed to be about to get up and walk into a van. Luckily she turned and laughed while most people were alarmed that I started yelling in a crowded place. It didn’t occur to me until we got to the car that she might have been slightly disabled and needed the rascal. But, like I said, she laughed.

Call me Mr. Jetson, I can drive you spacey. I guess it’s worked better with the Flintstones. Point taken Young Money/Cash Money Records, point taken.

Someone told me that they should be a part of my act last week. They’ve never seen me perform, for all they know I’m a mime. I should invite them along someday and show them why you don’t invite yourself places.

I’ve given miming onstage some thought in the past but what happens if people are against me from the start? Why does everyone hate mimes so much? They just want to make people happy at a low volume.

Old man is going to Switzerland, heavens why?

Am I the only person so excited for Avatar’s release on Friday that I can’t stop having nightmares?

Alright, well I’m going to get some good ol’ fashioned work done now. That’s right, I’m picking cotton today. Relax, they’re paying me to do it, they’ve learned that slavery was wrong.

Peaces

Thursday, December 10, 2009

My eyes are up here sir.


My weekend was very fun, and filled with suspense… not really. As always I enjoyed myself in Baltimore and felt the sting of its lack of Chipotle’s. If its there somewhere I’ll find it, or die trying. Marc Simmons was very cool, as was Larry XL who allowed me to get a lot of my comic book/ movie thoughts out there and into someone’s ears. Highlights would have to be the snow, boobs and most importantly, I got to make a difference in some child’s life. That’s right, I gave him his first jacking. I took everything but his pubic peach fuzz. Remember me always little man, or I’ll find you.

Somehow I always find myself in a debate over whether rape is funny or not. It’s generally agreed that women do not find it funny, even though there are probably a lot more men getting “all they can handle” than women at some point in time. Men will generally laugh at a rape joke if a woman isn’t around. With that said, isn’t there some couple that may have started out that way and ended up in the throws of passion? Kinda like the Watchmen and how the Comedian was kinda forgiven when he got to have consensual relations the second go round. The first time was pretty rape-ish. “You’re honor, I could’ve sworn one of those screams was a pleasant one… but I guess I was wrong.”

Dear John Legend,

I think you’ve made us wait through enough R&B artists’ albums, we would like another helping please. Don’t make me find you. You da man.


I’ve been listening to Gucci Mane’s album for the past two days straight. Sadly, it’s still funny to me to hear him say his name, or “Burrrrr!” I don’t even know what that means. Oh well, “GUCCI!”

This gay guy with the Mohawk has got to get another job or a promotion. He gives off such a vibe it changes the room temperature to negative 30 below. I mean that, he frightens me.

Apparently iTunes has a free Christmas CD with 20 tracks. If I could find it I would tell you the name of it. But now you get to go sleuthing for the answer. Good luck detectives (the answer is below)…

It feels like I should still be in bed wooing Winona Rider right now. What? While the rest of the world has forgotten her, I’ll swoop in and grab a primo sugar mama. Plus in my dreams she transforms into a hydra with faces of Hollywood’s hottest starlets right before I explode. Mmm, I’m still tired.

It’s almost Christmas. All year I wait for this time of year and once it’s here life seems way too busy to really sit back and enjoy it. I suppose since I’m not a child anymore things will only get busier during the holidays. Still the best time of the year though, wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I think I may stop smoking (cigarettes) soon, my doctor told me when I’m serious to come by and she would give me some drug that will stop me. From then on, when I’m bored I’m going to sing a song. It’s not a perfect plan, but it’s all I’ve got.

Why are social networking tools bad? Because when people see that someone “follows” (twitter) someone else but not them, it makes them do petty things. Not proud of it, but I just unfollowed someone for that very reason. Why am I looking at who they follow? I couldn’t even explain that one if I wanted to. Why unfollow them? Because, when they look at their number of followers I don’t want them to see my number included in their grand total. Sometimes you have to stand up and say “you’re a bad friend and I wouldn’t share kiwi fruit with you no matter how much you begged.” Yep, I’m childish and happy that way.

Is there anything more annoying than having to say “Good Morning!” to the same 40 people everyday. Didn’t we just do this yesterday? Let me die slowly in peace.

Wow, someone is in a good mood today, just look at the negativity of the last couple of rants. Let’s say something positive.

It makes me smile when I think of a big tittied woman giving me a big ol’ hug and pressing them against me. Except if it’s my mom; because that’s just terrible.

GUCCI

My sister is 13, would it be wrong to give her birth control pills for Christmas? I would put them in a time capsule but by now she might be the freakiest 8th grader that ever lived. Maybe I’ll just throw hot grits on her and scar her face. Then no one will want to plant their seed in her. I’m a good brother.

I know less than 5 women that do not have children. WTF happened to the world.

Okay, I’m going to Subway to get this lunch monster lulled to sleep. Hope to see many out at Hot Broth tonight.

Peaces

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Look out Mofo, Iron Man's got a brotha!

Living good and HIV free it's Thursday and that means everybody went commando. Because there is nothing like a breezy Thursday. Just in case you're wondering, the new Iron Man 2 teaser poster is on the bottom. Switching it up today, jaaaam!

I'll be making giggles come to life, murderous life, at the Baltimore Comedy Factory tonight through Saturday. Larry XL (who is always nice to me when we meet) will be featuring and Mark Simmons will be headlining. May the women be clean, the beer chilled and the audience as silly as watching Nelson dance for 14 hours in the ass less chaps marathon of 2005. Did that marathon of a man dancing with his ass out really happen Tyler? Definitely, and you better believe it was silly... and then I turned the hose on him when I'd had my fill of laughter. Whore.

I discovered Steven Segal: Lawman yesterday. What more do you need to say about that? It was just as weird as you would've hoped. Stares off into nowhere, corny slang for the black youths of Louisiana that he's arresting and most importantly the hair. He is quick and a damn good shot, but c'mon, who's taking him seriously? All I want to see him do is get into hand to hand combat, but people use guns pretty exclusively these days so that's out. I think I'd rather see him put on a Gi and go around trying to fight crime. But since this is all I have, I will watch him deal out the law.

The woman waiting in front of me at a Japanese food place (I know, it would have sounded better if I knew the name) came running up to the cashier and screamed "Where the f*** is my food at?!" It made me laugh and I immediately started tweeting while laughing in front of her. I tweeted it the other day, but it makes me laugh so there.

This one goes out to my boy Jessie Thomas out in WV for the weekend at the Funnybone. May you make it out of there completely rape free. Jessie's white but I still worry, I guess I'm just a good friend.

I have a big patch of missing skin under my nose because I was feverishly rubbing dead skin off my nose before returning to work for the first time since Monday. My allergies made Monday a nightmare, all the wiping and blowing my nose caused the skin on it to scab. Now I look like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

2010 is right around the corner now, may there be plenty of strange lying right around the bend. Strange for everyone...

It's been a crazy year for my love life, never expected to fall for someone. I'm surprised at the course of events, from old women, new women and acquaintances. May this next year bring something better than I know how to wish for. Somewhere the woman meant to be with me is smiling and happy, she better get all that joy out before we enter our awkward life together.



About Me

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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