The weekend

That's a beautiful picture I took of the sky yesterday while walking my dog. I stare at the sky quite a bit, and yesterday got some great pictures. Like God was talking to me. Not funny, I know, but sometimes we all reflect. Right?
I bought a "Conway Twitty 25 Number 1's " yesterday. I also bought the Second Season of The Boondocks. I felt like people needed to see them side by side for the first time ever. Right after that purchase I drove to Chipotle and ordered tacos and a burrito (I normally don't eat the burrito, not a face of rice or beans) which are the reason that last 14 hours of my life have revolved around the bathroom. That's all I'll say about that. When I came down the steps after one of the Saturday shows, this woman was crying AND making out with her boyfriend (WTF?!). Then, she came outside while I was standing there and started to heave. I asked if she was okay and she gave me "the hand." I left her alone and started a conversation with an audience member. About five minutes later she threw up right on her shoes and stuff. I'm not her man, and she gave me "the hand" so I had no problem in snapping a photo while she continued to puke. I'm such a gentleman...
That's Kyle Grooms... who the f@ck is that random black man to the left? Hmmm.
You can't see them, but the feature act (Ron Snipes, far left) has waves so crispy he made me jealous. We actually sat and discussed them, as well as a strategy that will get me just as crispy. You know, for women and what-not.

Prison shot, Jon said he wanted to look as white as possible and the flash certainly helped that out. Right after this photo a man stumbled out of the showroom and bashed his face into the wall. He tried to sneak out behind his girlfriend hiding his face but his eye was blacked the f up. I took a picture of him as he tried to exit quietly, while everyone upstairs laughed. Good times.

So, who isn't afraid of elevator rape?

Baltimore Comedy Factory! March 26-28th! TRich is hosting for Kyle Grooms!! w00t

Here we are again, a DVDuesday with a bang… not really, but I think Quantum of Solace came out today so “YAY!” to that.

Was there anything this weekend worth speaking of? Hmmm, other than “the usual” I can’t say that Nelson and I did anything special. Though I will say that despite what S.P.E. might tell you, Resident Evil 5 is insane!!!! Especially really high and in the dark of 2 A.M. Sean Paul Ellis… I call a decree of SHENANIGANS!

I like that AIG thinks they can still give out bonuses. It’s a risky yet bold maneuver that most people wouldn’t expect. Like showing up an hour late, turning on your computer and spending another 30 minutes in the can getting rid of all that Chipotle.

Today, “The Colonel” made my drive through traffic a living nightmare. I love HOT WINGS (they seem to be marketing them as “Sauce less Hot Wings” to white people) and have since I was a child. But they don’t like me one bit. Luckily, I woke up about a half an hour earlier than normal. But no matter how done you feel when you walk out the front door, it doesn’t matter in the middle of rush hour on the interstate. Something dropped, let’s just say the next hour and a half of traffic were no picnic. For the first time ever I thought of shoving a Pepsi bottle up my ass (just a little bit, don’t want to spill) and trying to concentrate. In my defense, I really didn’t think I could make it. Thank God my intuition was wrong huh?

“Tyler, how do I know when it’s time to start settling down?” That’s an easy question Geronimo (what, had to give him a name), I got the hunch when my mother stopped telling me to hide “the wang” from everyone. Gradually she moved to “Bout time you had some children… you know I’m dying right?” She’s not dying any quicker than you or I (unless you have Magic’s HIV, cause then you’re not dying at all) but like to put a rush on a (N Word).

24 was off the chain as usual last night, much props to Jack Bauer. West, west ya’ll.

Erections at work always suck, it completely takes the sentiment away when you start reminiscing about old nakedness and then you have to snap the bone. I don’ know how you guys do it (flipping into the belt still turns me on) but I find that if I try to snap it long enough, I’ve forgotten about whatever made me so rock solid.

Sometimes when I stop and just shut up, I can still hear James Jones running through a few minutes. Oh, what that man does to me… oh, what he does to you.

Erection putting me to sleep… loss of blood to the he… WAKE UP!!!!!! I’m here, gonna forget about the naked image. Oh God, why does my mind have to be a human highlight reel for sex.

I forgot my cell phone at home for the second time in the past couple of weeks. Please let someone have called or texted. If no one loves me enough to call and say “Yeah (N Word), all up in yo daytime minutes!” then I don’t want to live. I’m gonna eat a whole “thing” of Haagen Daaz and write a suicide note with a twist. (I was going to explain what that meant but after looking at it, I think I’ll just let you guys guess what that could mean.

I’ve decided that the next Riding with Strangers video will have nothing to do with sex. Mainly just because there are so many others things to laugh about… like toilet humor. Sadly, the next video won’t be about that either. Consider, if you will, a love story told through song. Not saying I can get Nelson to agree to that, but I feel like fork stabbing him will convince him to do just about anything.

I have big eyes. I feel them in my face when I look in different directions.

WTF happened to the BEATNUTS?

FACT:
Most people do not have $2000 saved in a bank account. I think just telling more people that, because at first it seems like a small number until you find out most people don’t have it, it important. Save people, there is a bit of a recession going on.

With that said, I’m out.

Peaces

One more day until I can finally buy that suicide I've always wanted

Dear Liam Neeson,

I realize that now is a bad time, because we don’t know each other, but I wanted to give my condolences. It has come to my attention that your wife, Natasha Richardson, has recently touched death’s icy hog. I’m heartbroken for you, because anyone that makes something as beautiful as Taken deserves a good family that he can take into his tomb and have buried alive with him. Had it not been a head injury I’m sure you would have round housed the villain into a coma, but what could you do? I’m sure someone had to have brought up shrinking you down to the size of an amoeba and letting you battle blood clots within her blood stream… right? And why was her last name Richardson? You know what, it doesn’t matter right now “big guy.” Liam, I don’t want to sound like an obsessed fan or anything, but if you ever want to just listen to the police radio and beat the ever loving sweet crap out of criminals one night… I’d love to film you sir. Until that hot July night, I leave you with the words of Ja Rule “When I cry, you cry, we cry togefa (together)”

Sincerely,
Tyler

Saving money is a weird feeling for me. For a long time I would spend money the second I was certain it was mine, then “being broke” happened. Now that my situation doesn’t involve selling cars I strive to do whatever the old me wouldn’t do. I could never picture the old me grabbing a wad of $100 bills and making it rain on some hot young stripper. I aims to change that…

Today I was reminded just how quick life can come at you. Similar to watching the deer get hit a few weeks ago, today I saw a truck jump a median and come down the wrong way in my lane. All I heard was a loud screech and when I looked up a truck was about 15 feet in front of me in my lane barreling toward me. I immediately pulled right before braking, had to be sure I wasn’t going to get hit, then looked over what just happened. I have no idea how he did that because the median was an oblong grass median that couldn’t be mistakenly jumped. Or maybe he spilled coffee in his lap and lost all control for a second (that answer is the only one that isn’t dipped in heroine). My heart was beating like an angry gorilla outside your door waiting to rip your face off.

I forgot my wallet today. Yep, it’s going to be a fun 8- 4:30 today. Yesterday, I forgot my I.D. badge and thought it was aggravating having to piggyback my way in… at least then I could buy condoms if I needed them. What am I supposed to do if some big t!ttied woman rolls up on me like “Yo small, brown and sexy (yeah) I really been dying to suck off some guy I barely knew and you look just like that guy…” Am I supposed to let her service without Jimmy the magic Trojan? And catch Herpes (the forever dick-bubbulator)?! The only choice I’ll have it to take the HJ (handjob) like a desperate 11-year-old boy, I can’t do that! This mistake could cause Herpes dammit, Herpes.

Nelson has a new glass piece that we call “Candy Mountain.” It’s beautiful, all that orange and purple… makes you believe in Santa Claus all over again. And, it hits like a muthaf*cka too!

Punisher: War Zone is one of the gorier movies you can expect to see from an action flick… ever. It was almost sick, if I wasn’t so hard to disgust, I hope more people see it and it becomes a hit on DVD. I think with another shot at being Punisher, whoever that guy is can grow on us. Jigsaw could have been a bit more… “Better-ish” but I realize I expected a lot from an actor that was great on The Wire. He was no Heath, he was not Heath.

Something I wish I knew before smoking:
“Hey man, did you know that once you start smoking you’re going to start having little piece of lung come up out of your mouth from time to time? Yeah, first it will start as a cough up type thing. But soon you’ll notice that you’re starting to get that from laughs or just a hard breath outward. F*ckin’ sick dude.”

Not proud to say, but the other day Nelson and I found some fruit that was so old we swore one of us ate it long ago. Yep, we found that in the back of the (let me try to say it right) re-fringe-in-a-dor… no, damn! And it had more stink than Nelson’s nuts do. (But how would TRich know what Nelson nuts…) We got a new thing (box?) of Arm-N-Hammer and but it to work. That thing has been struggling to fight off that deep taint stank for the better part of two days and I commend it. I can almost hold my face in the (sigh) re-fridge-in-a-tore… refrigerator! I said it! Suck me beautiful, I knew I’d say it! F*ck you old 2nd grade teacher who said I was hopeless. Eat $#!T and choke you coke whore! OMG, she did choke… Where was I? Oh yeah, the funk is almost gone. New story…

As an adult, I know now that I would have been a member of the Foot (Shredder’s Clan) if Turtle Soup were delicious. And why would a gang spend all of their time hunting down those turtles if it wasn’t delicious? Exactly, Lord help them if I ever find out that gigantic mutant turtles are real, cause I’ll be coming for that soup dish.

My friend Cassaundra asked me a work-related question. After I answered with absolute-itude (I’m enjoying making up words today) she went and asked someone else behind my back. I’ve never understood why people do that about some things. Like if I ask you the time and you say 10:13, it is rude to ask the person behind you “Excuse me, do you have the time?” I just asked you. I don’t give a $#!T if it’s about to strike Armageddon, you don’t do that. That’s why people get their heads smashed on a rock in Africa… I assume. And you bet your ass I called her on that too. Then she accused me of being crazy (and compared me to a crazy person whom I shall leave nameless for fear of her contacting me) and tried to rattle me. Some people…

Uh oh, all the Pizza Hut I’ve had the past couple of days is starting to scream out from within my belly. All that f’n cheese man. I’m sorry Jesus!

Alright now, I'm done til Tomorries

Peaces

Well that is wallet, but that Crystal Meth was definitely a donation...

Well, can you believe the weekend is over just like that? I wonder if that’s what watching a child grow up is like. One day I can’t wait to look at my son (God, please don’t ruin the baby and my life by giving me a girl) and say “Wow, cursing already. Just yesterday I was tucking his middle finger back in when we went to Chuck E. Cheese’s.” They grow so fast…

I bought a new camera with the sole purpose of taking pictures with elderly folks. Time to decorate my cubicle with pictures that really capture what I like to do in my free time… pal around with “oldies.” Whenever I get a good one, I’ll include it in the blogs.

On Saturday I realized that for the first time in my life, I had encountered a crazy woman. For a long time I’ve been of the belief that if a crazy woman wants you, you might as well let her have you. No point in running from someone that wants to give you some lovin’ right? So wrong, because now I see that no physical pleasure is worth putting up with someone that you think may stab you if the opportunity presents itself. I realize that she could reading but even she has to know that she’s bat$#!T crazy. Yet again, all I can think is “Wow, someday this going to be someone’s mother.” I wonder what my mom was like in her 20’s.

Will Ferrell’s George W. Bush “thing” on HBO was pretty hilarious. I caught it last night right before bed and if the ex-president had been half that charismatic he could have won over at least 35% of the country. Instead…

Saturday night was St. Patrick’s Day. Being black, I did not realize it until Kojo brought it up. All we could hope was that punching people who didn’t wear green had gone out of style after age 11.

Something seems weird about knowing you’re going to eat at a grungy restaurant for lunch ahead of time. I’m really not looking forward to the KFC that is in order. I keep picturing roaches preparing my popcorn chicken… without hair nets.

Nelson and I took part in a “shady” dealing yesterday. The whole story is pretty long and boring so I’ll just give highlights:
-We pull up to a strange neighborhood and Nelson isn’t sure where his friend lives
- The friend leaves us waiting for about 15 minutes, long enough to listen to about 5 songs by Twista
- He comes down with J in hand, in the open parking lot, in broad daylight
- Reaches in to pass said J to Nelson
- Suddenly he realized that the legs in the passenger side are me, he does not know me
- We begin speaking about the military
- A car pulls up behind and blocks us in
- The friend goes to the car and gets in, it speeds off down the street
- Nelson and I weren’t sure who that car was, but did not stop the rotation, it was good $#!T
- They come back and I proceeded to give the weakest dap of all time, limp like a strudel

Resident Evil 5 is INSANE! Anyone that has it knows, if you don’t go to IGN.com and look it up. Best $70.00 you could spend, unless Beyonce became a very cheap hooker.

I’ve lost my du-rag, not really all that important but I had just broken that one in. If you see it on someone else’s head, snatch that b*tch off and mail it to me. It’s black…

Paul Blart: Mall Cop is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. I love you Kevin James but you stole $21.50 from me (damn, it’s expensive to go to the movies now). You’re lucky my date was so fine, otherwise I’d be pissed.

Since I’m going to lunch soon I’ll try to wrap this shebangybang up with a final thought.

Ron Silver, Actor and Political Activist, age 62 is dead. Sigh, "why do you take the good ones and let Nick Cannon go free Lord? Why?"

Sir, is this resume on a Fruit Roll-Up?

Homegrown Comedy should be off the chain tonight, all those funny people in the same place... dancing. We've decided not to tell jokes, a hoe down is what won out in a game of rock, paper, scissors. Here we come Improv.

Had a blast with Will, Eli and Damone (it’s been over a year and people still miss Tim) at the Arlington Cinema N’ Drafthouse last night. I got to see hot women, I met the Sairs (who Eli is the spittin’ image of) and battled with Lasagna from Wednesday night. I had a ball, I believe there may even have been a chuckle or two mixed up in the madness.

After that skedaddled (I have never typed this word before, thank you spell check, I'm not even going to show how I spelled it... sigh) over to Jake Young’s open mic at the Comedy Spot. I will give Jake credit, even as comic after comic came in late, he never so much as flared an annoyed nostril. He just kept adding people to the list, I admire that. I saw a lot of faces that I missed (the list would be pretty long because it seemed like everyone telling jokes in our area was there) and the theme from Cheers kept playing in my mind.

I feel it only right to mention that Chris Barylick took a nasty spill when he did the “slide on the floor and tell a girl how he’s violating copyright law” bit. I saw someone (who will remain nameless) start laughing right after he hit the ground and immediately started laughing with them. Things are always funnier if others laugh first… sigh, I’m weak. It was still funny though, I love Chris.

Going to Ruby Tuesday’s in like 20 minutes… yep.

Tonight is going to be a bit of a long night, but tomorrow I get to sit and cuddle with Resident Evil 5 for a little bit. Oh, I’m drooling, I’m going to buy my copy on the way back from lunch. What a great day this is turning out to be. I’ve always had good fortune on Friday the 13th(s) and this one should be no different. (“Please God let me stumble across some ass tonight…”)

I thought I’d go ahead and speak on that lasagna I battled with yesterday. The count was 5 times yesterday, and even sadder, I got home and ate even more than the night before. Some people just don’t learn, but I duped myself into thinking my stomach and anus might build up a tolerance… eventually.

Is it fair that women like Beyonce exist? Honestly, unless you’re Jay-Z I think the answer is no. If they do exist they certainly shouldn’t be allowed to be photographed. Making people aware that there were more flavors than just vanilla would be cruel if no one could ever have some. Right?

I guess by that same logic, men like Will Smith should be kept in hiding as well. I need some woman to think I’m a catch one day darnit.

I’m going, if I’m bored I’ll update this. If not I’ll see a lot of you guys this weekend.

Peaces

TAKEN has a sequel on the way! REJOICE CHILDREN!

Come out to Homegrown Comedy tomorrow night at the DC Improv at 8 PM!!! Eli Sairs is your host and here is the line-up: Alycia Cooper, John McBride, Aparna Nancherla, Tyler Richardson, Mikael Johnson, Jason Weems, Sonny Fuller.

Well, yesterday the children never came down to laugh. What do comedians do when the audience doesn’t show up? Rock out to Rock Band in the hospital’s game room. And a partridge in a pair tree…

Darn this Christmas music that runs through my head all the time, that last sentence didn’t even make any sense.

People have way too many rules, I find out about these rules after I’ve broken them. Examples you say; “Are you drinking soda this early in the morning?” I had no idea that there was a time when it became fashionable to drink soda. I have always just wanted it when I was thirsty. “Wow, you’re drinking beer this early?” If it’s Saturday, it’s SATURDAY. I’m not married, nor do I have a second job that requires I be alert and operate heavy machinery. Wherever I go, I want a buzz. “You’re wearing blue and black?” This is one “girl fashion rule” I will never understand. Nelson and I were talking last night about how a neutral color can possibly not match with something. Every man that I know doesn’t understand this logic, most don’t even follow it because they do go together. Don’t tell me something that looks that cool can’t be right. Just don’t… (somewhere a woman is shaking her head, well I shake right back at you Ms.)

Elvin Bishop sang I fooled around and fell in love. Thank you Mr. Bishop.

In case you missed the title, TAKEN will have a sequel. Pray for the best, and thank you Liam Neeson.

Personally I think a scarf on a man is effeminate but I briefly considered it yesterday while on Amazon.com. A Burberry scarf (cause if I’m gonna be gay I at least want to be fashionable) was somewhere around $300! I would have more fun paying a homeless man to eat 300 $1 bills. No spank you Burberry, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. What would your mother say?

Crisis avoided: This morning I thought I could hear all the lasagna I inhaled last night speaking to me. That lasagna decided to shut up when I got in the car to fight traffic. Thank goodness, I look way too good to be smothered in poo today… not that it was a possibility. But for a second I thought it might be.

On the off-chance that I get stood up tonight (remember Babygirl from last summer?) then I’ll finally get to check out Jake & Tyler’s open mic at the Comedy Spot. I’m not sure which to root for.

Just thought I’d take a second to shout out Eric Monocle, if you don’t know him feel free to Google him.

I never thought I could ever be the victim of identity fraud, but my account says otherwise. Just goes to show that using commercial sites (meaning they don’t look like a 6-year-old made them) doesn’t mean that you’re safe. Check your statements kids.

Until last night, it had been a long time since I wrote a new joke. That’s just f*cking depressing. Thank God that’s over.

S.P.E., I didn’t want to text you because I don’t know how early you go to work in the morning… but, if you stand me up this weekend I’ll kill you. Just like I did to Winnie the Pooh. And I’ve loved Winnie all my life Sean, all my life.

I keep flashing back to crawling around my mother with a laundry basket over me pretending to be a ninja turtle. To be young…

After hearing about the Alabama “rampage” on Tuesday, I can’t stop wondering what his last meal might have been. If I knew that I was going to go out in a hail of gunfire I would make sure that last meal was my favorite. Problem is that I have issues with choice, it takes me forever to rent a movie, let alone pick my last meal. Wendy’s or Chipotle? Fast Food or A Meal? Chicken or Steak? Sober or not? I could do this all day. Chances are that they would have to report a “rampage” (I keep the quotation marks because most of the people he killed were family, that’s like cheating because a stranger might not trust you. “Hey who wants this slice of… of $#!T Billy has an ASSAULT RIFLE! GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!!”) took place that involved a man stopping at different restaurants along the way. They would report on my killings with accompanying foods. “He killed this man while inhaling a Spicy Chicken Sandwich from Wendy’s, look at all that saliva. He was a monster…”

Tomorrow my team is eating lunch at Ruby Tuesday’s to celebrate a graduation… that’s right, people still eat at Ruby Tuesday’s. I’m just as shocked as you are, this girl could’ve picked anywhere in the Tyson’s Corner (expensive restaurants!) and went with Ruby Tuesday’s. Sigh…

Peaces, RE5 tomorrow my fellow geeks! I see you Atif!

Kerri Hilson?!

Where have you been? What do you mean “Where have I been?” I’ve been here, bloggifying. Well I’m sorry that I forgot to post them. Well I can’t go back and post them now, I deleted them. I don’t know why I did that, sometimes I don’t make sound decisions. I thought you’d be happy if I started from scratch. What’s that? Yes I know that I’m a poor liar but I will lie you into submission. Because I don’t quit and… look either jump on board of f*ck off. I didn’t mean to yell… no I don’t hate you, you just… I’m sorry to. Let’s never fight again imaginary reader, ever.

That YouTube video cracks me up, I think it was when he threw all of his pots and pans to the ground. Dedication, you gotta love it.

Without intentionally trying, I seem to have been a rather large prick the past week. That is all.

Tonight I get to bathe in the laughter of children. Is there anything sweeter than seeing a child buckle over with laughter? What’s that imaginary reader? Why on earth would it be sweeter to see them buckle over with sheer ecstasy? Wait, are you talking about the drug?! That’s sick… but I can’t judge you. I fed ecstasy to pigeons just watch them roll around in their own bird $#!T. We’re so like minded…

I just wanted to throw out that I’ve never even seen ecstasy before. I don’t want to be anywhere near something that chews holes in the brain. But you can pass DuPont paint, huffin’ time.

Least appealing suicide: Falling to my death, so much time to think of what I could have done not to fall.

New slang of the day: Potopenko , there was a time when a basketball player with that last name dominated my vocabulary. It is an adjective with no particular definition. Use as you see fit. “I told her I was out of condoms and she told me she owned a vacuum… it was simply Potopenko.” Proceed…

Apparently Lil Wayne will not be releasing Rebirth, the alternative album with the single “Prom Queen.” Thank God.

I honestly don’t understand how people are going crazy over Crack a Bottle (new Eminem song). I speak as a huge fan back in the day when I say he should have stayed away. He used to be lyrical and angry, now he’s trying to be too comical and sings in almost every song. WTF happened to my youth and it’s role models. Where the f*ck is Bobby Brown when I need him.

I can’t wait to see Will Hessler tomorrow night at the Drafthouse. Every time I see him he’s bigger and has a more majestic beard than before. I pray that when I see him tomorrow I’m just hugging a giant puff of facial hair. Like Cousin It, but Jewsih-ly fro’d out like Will Ferrell. Bless you Will Hessler, bless you and minotaur that you keep as a house pet.

Donate to the homeless… what, I can’t be a good person too?

After seeing Role Models, which was one of the funnier movies released last year, Nelson and I concocted a plan. Find a way to hit on women that is deep and shows them we’re good people. I think the kid idea is a little passé now, but there has got to be something else. I’m even considering hanging out with my sister more so people will say “Look, he’s a good big brother… bet his d*ck tastes sweeter than Yoo-Hoo.” Yeah…

Is anything creepier than a stranger coming up from behind and pausing only to walk away right as you turn around? Yep, just happened…

How bad-ass would it be to walk through a crowd of people at the beach and straight into the water then snatch up a fish and come walking right back? If only my imagination could come true. Cause think of all the “cooz” I’m getting when I come back out of the water with a swordfish slung over my shoulder. “Oh my God did you see that guy snatch up that fish? I hope he puts his wenis in my smagina.” If find substituting dirty words funnier than being too direct. What do you think?

I’ll leave you all with a quote that inspires the H-E-double hockey sticks out of me:
“You ain’t gonna believe this...but you use to fit right here. (Rocky holds up his right hand) I’d hold you up and say to your mother, this kid is gonna be the best kid in the world. This kid is gonna be better than anybody I ever knew...and you grew up good and wonderful it was great just watching you everyday it was like a privilege. Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world and you did... But somewhere along the line you changed...you stopped being you...you let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you're no good...and when things got hard you started looking for somethin' to blame...like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows, it's a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, nobody is gonna hit as hard as life! But it ain't about how hard you can hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep movin' forward, how much you can take...and keep movin' forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth! But you gotta be willing to take the hits and not pointin' fingers sayin' you ain’t where you wanna be because of him or her or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that! ... ... I'm always gonna love you no matter what...no matter what happens...you're my son, you're my blood...you're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a life. ... Don't forget to visit your mother.”

Peaces

Apparently, now I'm a racist

I know that you had to miss my sultry voice a little bit right? Oh, and here is a comment from yesterday on a really old blog (last August) that tickled me:

“you sick idiot, how could you be so racist! You openly said " I hate
Africans" I think you are a disgrace to nature and you should remember its
2009, if you're racist you are frowned upon. How disgusting and for your
information my husband is African”

– Someone who is a little upset

For some reason I think that lady thinks I’m white. I know that I don’t have to be white to be racist, but why would she tell me that her husband is African. Hmmm…

Let me get this out of the way so a stalker knows where to snatch me at:
March 11- Fairfax iNova Hospital (making smiling kiddies giggle)
March 12- Arlington Cinema N’ Drafthouse
March 26 through 28- Baltimore Comedy Factory (Kyle Grooms is headlining!)

There are actually a couple of e-mails I’m waiting on, but shockingly I’m looking forward to March this year. Hmmm.

I would love to pretend that hundreds of people are searching for me everyday but it is nice that people searching for photos are stopping to check out… well, whatever this is. I dig it, I also dig Wendy’s chocolate Frosty. That’s probably because I’m eating one right now.

I’ve decided to start taking pictures with random old people and lining my cubicle with them. I have no children, don’t really see my family that much and never really got down on snapping pictures in the first place. Sadly, and full of arrogance, the reason I want to take pictures now is because I want to remember how good I looked. Oh, I may not have won the blue ribbon but one day my children are going to look back at ol’ dad and say “He could get it…” To which I’ll reply “I’m your father! Go to your room!” Ah, to be young.

Took a three (laziness is crippling) break from working out and just went back yesterday. Today, based on body language and stance, I will be playing the part of the horseshoe crab…

That random person’s comment yesterday reminds me of a great moment in Kevin history: Standing in line waiting for the concession stand at the theater, Kevin has troublesome eye contact with the woman behind him. He leans in to whisper to Nelson, “Looks like that lady behind us has a TOUCH of autism.” When he turned she was making more eye contact and standing much closer to his face. It was awkward.

Jesus, three years ago I was blogging from a car dealership, and terribly depressed. I cannot wait to see what three more years bring to me. “Please not a kid, please not a kid, please no…”

A scientific question:
Does farting right after applying cologne nullify its effect?

A scientific answer:
Only if you’ve been to Five Guys within the past 17 hours.

I thought it was weird that the Five Guys in Woodbridge, VA placed “Voted Brooklyn’s Best Burger in 2007” on the marquee. Well now, maybe that can work. Let me try: “Come to McDonald’s, Not a drop of semen in the grease since 2006.” Yeah, I think I get it now. w00t

The song “Pop Champagne” is my new (dance naked while puffin that magic dragon) JAM.

Will Leonardo DiCaprio end up a great actor forever, like Jack Nicholson? Just something to think about.

I hope we’ve all got tickets to the Watchmen, some reviews have ranted and raved while others… no so much. This will be one we just have to think for ourselves on.

Least intelligent thought in awhile:
When someone mentioned the Glass Managerie, I became confused and immediately started reminiscing about the Glass Elevator (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory Part Duex). Luckily, before I could interject and let everyone know that I had no clue what they were talking about the name Tennessee Williams go mentioned. I realized then that at some point we must grow past the third grade. But man, I just don’t want to.

Has anyone actually thrown up because of the topic of conversation while eating? Because I would excuse that person and never forgive them. Being grossed out by what someone is saying is childish. Someone could be dropping the deuce and I could stand right over them eating a sandwich. Am I Superman? No, maybe a lot of people just have a lot in common with Lex Luthor. That didn’t make sense, but you know what I’m talking about.

I almost had a N*gger moment when someone came close to stepping on the ol’ Lacostes last night. I’ve never been the type to get “all swole up” for no reason… but if he stepped on my shoe…

I taste a little blood. WTF does that mean?! Please God, tell me a booger just got stabbed by a Hispanic.

Well, I’m gonna go, look for a new video really soon. And Jermaine and I will have this new thing ready. I heard from him last night and now celebrities are giving him quotes to live by. Rhymes with Smave Gazelle… get busy guessing.

Peaces

Arab Money

"Now would you look at these n*ggas! LOL" - TRich

She's got a d*ck/ Best Man

Enjoy yourself people, here's another lesson from Riding with Strangers!

402 posts of nothing to say!

Yesterday I started a great day off with an accident. As I was driving into work I was rejoicing over the fact that there was virtually no traffic at all. About two minutes away from work I noticed about 6 deer running together, it was almost beautiful, until I realized they were going into the street. The car heading opposite me on the two lane road hit one and the second it connected I saw three things:
1) The actual deer went flying into my lane! It was f’n cool to see though.
2) Fur, as though a bunch of dust bunnies got thrown in the air. Yet again, f’n cool.
3) Pieces of the car that made first contact were in the air and amidst the pieces were the deer’s antlers. They came off when it got hit and looked liked someone threw sticks at the accident.

The only thing that would’ve been cooler than that is if a human’s severed head came flying toward me and hit the car. Fortunately, the deer’s dead body landed right in front of my car but did not make contact. I sat there for a second and laughed (that’s how I react to most things, like fear) and then realized I needed to get to work and pulled around the corpse. What’s great is that this morning I passed the spot and thought of him, looked to my right and who’s on the curb grass? Dead Deer, with his brains falling out of his nostrils. Ah, you’ll be missed Dead Deer… you’ll be missed.

HBO had some documentary on late last night that went to the Deep South and seemed to be about the redneck reaction to Obama and the “new” direction of our country. Sadly, it was exactly what you expected: N*gger, “He’s a Muslim”, The only difference between oBama and oSama is B.S., Koon, etc. One man spoke very truthfully about how he just wasn’t ready for that, I can respect that, then he took a second to look over the NASCAR track and removed his sunglasses so he could weep. He wept because a black man was president and was going to “let a bunch of them foreigners over here to take our good jobs.” I could hardly contain myself as he wiped the tears away. It was the equivalents of watching someone take a camera and team to the worst inner city ghetto in the world and asking the most thugged out looking person there about politics. Said thug would probably get angry that he was explaining something while clearly being judged about having no clue about the subject. I felt a little bad for respectable white folks last night as I watched that program. One guy did amuse me pretty well, he was selling merchandise that was campaigning the racist hate towards Obama. When asked “Do you believe he’s a terrorist?” He said no, he said that his only problem with Obama was the direction he wanted to take our country in concerning the war. They asked him why he was selling the hate-wear and his response was “because I’m a capitalist.” Well said sir, well said.

Tax return time is lovely, I get my taxes done for free because my retiree Grandmamakins works at Jackson-Hewitt round this time of year. Every year I had her a bunch note tabs and try to explain that as a stripper it’s difficult to keep a paper trail on all the cash. She looks at me awkwardly and then asks me for my real w-2.

That was a lie, my Grandmamy knows if I’m selling my body I go all the way, male escort style.

This is completely unimportant, but Harry Potter’s summer 2010 movie (I can’t keep track of all those names) will come out the same weekend as Iron Man 2. Sadly, Bobert Downey Jr. might just be in for a good fight. Go Harry!

Well, I’m old now. A woman asked me how old I am, bear in mind that she was much older than I am, and when I said 25 she said “Damn… getting old huh?” It’s official, high school girls will definitely sleep with me know.

To any one that has not found the wonder of Daft Punk, “I hereby challenge thee to listen to Digital Love and not burst into dance!” That $#!T it pure rhythm man, pure rhythm.

I’ve got that “I did laundry last night” really good type feeling. Any other nasty people out there feel what I’m saying. Please don’t let me be the only nasty out there…

Chris Brown’s tragedy (the Wrigley’s suspension of advertising, not beating 7 shades of $#!T out of Rihanna) seems like years ago. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for a club banger right now. Look what putting out “new hotness” did for R. Kelly. Where the hell is R. Kelly anyway?

Before my mother will fast track me into a government job she wants a written document, signed, stating that my day of “usage” are over and behind me. Who would ever think that we’d go from decorating the Christmas tree when I was a kid to having conversations like that. My mommy…

Yesterday I had a class where we had a reading of a poem about abortion. I believe it was called “The Mother” (and I realize I probably didn’t use MLA format, suck it), the poem is one woman’s tale of all the good and bad things that will never happen to or for the children she aborted. Once the poem was done I could not stop laughing, I know the teacher saw me but when you get the giggles you’ve got them. The reason I laughed was because the way this woman wrote she had about 30 abortions. I doubt she had that many but it sounded like a lot. When we were done reading it I thought “Lady, don’t you ever use a condom… or pull out?” The laughter flowed right out. Good times.

“Tyler, why is rape such a topic of humor for you?” Well, why do we laugh at our own farts? Why do we celebrate Groundhog’s Day even though it doesn’t matter if the shadow gets seen? And, why would some pervert lie and say a pot of gold is at the end of a rainbow just to make me ruin a perfectly good Sunday chasing that thing along the Mid-Atlantic coast?!

Okeyday (yeah, I like the nonsense and the Little Rascals), I would like to end this on a high note… never mind.

Peaces

The Chimp "Ripped her face off!"

DVDuesday is here again, unfortunately there haven’t been any GOOD releases in the past few weeks. Sigh, the Oscars didn’t really give me anything to look forward to. Let me just touch on Slumdog Millionaire for a hot second. Apparently, and I could be wrong but my friend Azad broke it down for me: A man wins Slumdog Millionaire and is questioned as to how he of all people could have known the answers to the questions? While explaining how he knew the answers he ensnares us in a love story from his life… That plot sucks like a fresh new b*tch on a dirty block. And it’s a Bollywood film which means there will be mysterious breaking into song that everyone seems to know the steps to. I had a female-friend (have to be careful with my words…I’m kidding, we did not bang) that went through a huge Bollywood phase and I got sucked into watching some. Not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, THE LOVE GURU (truthfully, I’ve only read the back of the DVD at Blockbuster… but I still regretted it), but I have no interest in seeing Slumdog now. AND HOW THE F DOES CHRISTOPHER NOLAN NOT GET A BEST DIRECTOR OR BEST MOVIE NOMINATION?! Titanic set all kinds of records for nominations and awards, it also happens to be the top grossing movie of all time. I know money and awards have nothing to do with each other, but how does the number TWO movies of all time (grossing, but number 1 in our hearts) come up like a nerd at the prom? It’s wrong, but they did give the Joker his due, I guess we fanboys are supposed to find solace in that.

Sipping hot chocolate… calms the early morning erections.

Nelson and I were unable to make our newest video “You’re eating too loudly in McDonald’s” last weekend. Don’t worry, we’ve got a ton of Marymount University students coming down to one on Saturday (why they want to be in this skit that pays nothing I have no idea) and it should be funny. I say “should be” because sometimes the awkward that I find so funny is just awkward… did you catch my sarcasm there?

Jermaine and I will have a new blog of movie reviews. I wish I could give more details but since it’s only like a week away from going up I’ll let it speak for itself. That man is silly so you know his first review is going to be off the chain.

Maybe I’m just a product of my environment, but when I see a fine woman cough; it’s tuberculosis.

Atif, I’m sorry to hear you didn’t win the DC Improv college competition. Thanks for giving me your Gamertag, rest assured if there is one thing that makes people feel better, it’s me. I can’t think of a better way to get over the blues of losing than to grease yourself up with K-Y jelly and climb into the twisted d*ck of death that I call XBOX LIVE. I will show you no mercy, but that’s out of love. You can pick the game but I need you to do me a favor; I don’t want some shell of a man coming into DADDY’S house (o’ pain). You trim up “the beard of brilliance”, go get a hoagie, brush your teeth and pick the naps from the pubes (what?! Doesn’t everyone get those around the edges of the ball fro?) I want you to be top shelf when I rape you! But seriously, sorry to read that you were a little bummed, might even let you win one… nah.

Let’s take a moment to celebrate an important man. An adventurer who sought out to carve his niche in history. Yes everyone, I’m talking about whoever the man was that named the Grundle. Without him where would we be? Thank you sir, thank you.

I think I’ve been mistaking looks of hatred for sexual tension lately. Hmmmm.

Sometimes I rap to myself, with the iPod of course, and worry that people will catch me and laugh. I’ve told myself that everyone does it but the more I spy on people, the more I see they don’t. Perhaps I’m as unprofessional as in my nightmares… but in real life my fly isn’t broken so my d*ck doesn’t keep falling out.

TRich’s quote of the week:
I know it’s only Tuesday but last night while watching 24, Jack Bauer gave the red hed a look while they were having an argument. Without missing a beat Nelson says “Now she’s wet… with fear.” So gross, and yet so classic.

I’ve had the song “Close to you” (you know, “Why do birds suddenly appear every time you come near? Just like me they long to be…”) stuck in my head for well over a week. Perhaps under this exterior of ignorance and narcissism, there lies a romantic just waiting to burst out? I doubt it. I often judge my friend Leah for always going after the wrong guy (possibly because I’m secretly in love with her) but truthfully I always do the same thing. One day I’ll get the hang of “women”… sigh.

Reading about the woman who got attacked by the chimp in Connecticut really never loses interest to me. I can’t forget the look of horror on my face when the woman said the chimp “ripped her face off.” It could only be matched by the look when she screamed “He’s eating her”… my God. That immediately took away any fun thought I had of primates and I saw Mighty Joe Young for the monster he really was. Then I watched a video on YouTube “Violent Chimpanzee Attack” (please look that up and watch, I’ll add it when I get home later) which showed a gang of chimps stalk through the jungle until the run up on a small group of other chimps. The result was cannibalism… why did it take me being a 25 year old man to understand how truly sick chimps can be? Teach the children, cause if I knew then what I know now I would never even enter their section of the zoo. Too dangerous…

“I hope your piranha bite…” – Lil Wayne

I wanted to give that quote to show one of the many unpleasant names men have come up with for a vagina. Let’s look at some more:
Kitty Kat
That Thang
Ill Na Na
Gitchy Gitchy
Punana
P*ssy
Phat Rabbit
Waffle
Peach
Hamburgler

I think I’ve made my point, and yeah, I’m aware I’m the only one that likes to call it the Hamburgler. Point is that the vagine has a lot of different name and almost all of them are unattractive in some way. Why? I honestly don’t know, the penis is a much uglier instrument (VAINS, UGGG!). Oh well, I still wish I had a waffle to snack on right now.

I’m spent for the day but wanted to give all of the people who depend on a little non-sense and a cool picture a chance to smile. To everyone else “Hi Mama.”

Peaces

Let the fun begin... SEX FIGHT!

And with that, have a great weekend. Next up is "Sir, you're eating too loudly for McDonald's."

Peaces

The Spy Lounge is resting for a minute... but I can't feel it's pulse

Well here we are again and it’s a Tuesday… ugh.

My new camcorder should be delivered to me within the next couple of days (fingers crossed) and we cannot wait to show some of the crazy ideas we (Nelson, Kevin and I = Riding with Strangers) have come up with. Just some titles to think about until we show you: Nelson can fly, You’re eating too loudly for McDonald’s, Wit my d*ck out… and Sex Fight!

Text messages between friends:

Person 1: I just took the MOST incredible dump of all time! The auto toilet double flushed itself! It was an island unto itself.

Person 2: Me too. But no tp.

1: That’s nasty, did you jump in the shower?

2: I had napkins.

1: Yeah, we did collect a lot of fast food. It was all that KFC, WHEW!

Know that this was an exchange between Nelson and I, but I will not say which one I am.

If you are a friend to someone and forward even a single text to their cell phone thinking “they might like this joke…” you are not their friend. I wish the “friends” I had that keep doing that would read this blog, but they know I don’t have anything of substance to talk about. Sigh…

“More $#!T than you can shake a stick at” HAHA, I’ve always loved sayings like this one because I’d love to see someone shake a stick at anything.

I don’t know why, but white children are the least cute of any race of children to me. They all seem to look as though they have a touch of autism… to me anyway.

“Tyler, I’m late and I’m keeping your baby…” (Man jumps out window from the 40th story splattering on the ground) “He really would rather die than raise a child with me… $#!T.”

I’m the proud owner of a copy of the movie Taken that is so DVD quality you should hate me right now. That movie kicked so much arse I have to say it twice, that movie kicked so much arse I had to say it twice. Seriously, Liam Neeson is officially the baddest mutha on the planet… followed closely by Matthew Damon and Samuel L. Jackson. Woot!

When I read Eli’s text message that the Spy Lounge was done “until further notice” I had a slow montage in my head. The first clip was Eli and I skipping down the yellow brick road with my dog Toto. Then I saw us lying on our backs, looking at the stars in the rain at my favorite spot on Gravely Point. Last I saw him in the arms of another man, Enrique, the reason I stopped showing up there in the first place. Then I remembered, Eli and I aren’t lovers and have never done any of those things. Plus, Eli uses too much tongue when he’s kissing… that’s not cool.

“Blame it on the al al al al al cohol…” Okay Jamie Foxx, with the help of T-Pain you’ve duped me into liking something you sang. Next move…

I spaced out for a little while downstairs grabbing my lunch today. I was looking at an older black woman’s everything (she was BAD!) and when my eyes focused she was looking dead into them. I smiled and paid for my taco salad.

The boner will hence forth be referred to as The Chunk. That tickles me.

You know that awkward silence when you almost cause a car accident and about four or five cars are staring at you angrily? The best way to get that to go away is driving lessons, and a wenis.

Somehow the discussion of “Should you keep a bag in your car to $#!T in?” keeps coming up around me. Maybe I do attract fecal conversation.

According to my Grand mama, the answer to the above question is yes. She’s living proof, sometimes you have to $#!T in a bag.
Soul Men was funny, but it is the easily the only movie where Bernie Mac’s cock eye stole the show. It’s never looked that bad before, at least he seemed capable of hiding it before. I couldn’t take my eyes off it… may he rest in peaces.

I feel another trip to the “pool”, you know I was going to make an elaborate poop joke, but instead I’ll make this brief. Yep.

Peaces.

Chris Brown: Posterboy for a new generation

Maybe it’s just me, but has anyone else had the urge to listen to Chris Brown now that he’s “in deep $#!T?” I can’t get enough, who is the one person who benefited from that beating (other than Rihanna, who I’m sure will have a song about being strong and getting bit the f*ck up while R&B’s prince reigned down thunder) … that would be Michael Phelps. He’s not in the papers anymore, perhaps now people and companies he is endorsing realize that he could have been doing worse things than holding a bong. Snoogins.

Off the Wall tonight in Queen Anne’s Hall at UMD! What more need be said? I’ll be naked, there now will you come. Do you want blood? What more could you ask for, there will be students, laughter, hot chicks and a naked black guy who juggles balls of yarn… what? I already told you I would be naked. The rest of my juggling routine is bulletproof.

“What do you like most about older women?” Well, I like the fact that an older woman will undress a man with her eyes and make it painfully obvious that f*cking is on her mind. I don’t like to hunt, but I can follow directions.

I learned the other day that I don’t care about this blog as much as I thought I did. I wrote an entire entry, went searching for one of those priceless Internet pictures to sum it all up and deleted it on accident. I prayed that blogger saved it for me, it didn’t. I don’t save things on my hard drive at work, don’t know why because I’m definitely not supposed to type “this”. The blog (an extremely long one might I add) was lost. Breaks my heart, but I’d rather bang that crazy mom with 14 kids sans rubber before writing that again. So, I had to wait a couple of days to build the strength for this back up. I had to eat a banana this morning, “keep your potassium kiddies!”

I love Lil Wayne’s music, but looking at him (which they rarely give you a very good look, he’s generally moving or something) is a lot like looking at an uncircumcised penis in porn… I cringe every time.

Students leaving for the weekend saying “good-bye” to professor:
Male 1: Have a great weekend!
Professor: You too, thanks.
Female 1: Bye, hope you have a great Valetine’s Day!
P: You too, thanks.
TRich: Alright, give me an “A” on that paper this weekend…
(awkward look up from the professor)
P: Um… if you earn it, no problem Deaven (remember that’s my name).
TRich: I’m kidding, I just had to try a little subliminal messaging. But hey…
P: Yes Deaven…
TRich: I want that “A”.
End

I hope the awkwardness of that translated, because there was nothing charming about that moment. I think I scared my older white teacher. Hope I scared her enough for that “A”.

That’s IT! It’s been brought up many times but I need to know before I lose my mind. “How are white women getting all these curves, what did they start eating?” Somebody knows something and isn’t talking. Mary Tyler Moore did not have jiggle and shake in the back like the little white women that walk past me all day. This may seem arrogant, but could they be eating greens and getting thick because they know I’m an ass man? It could be…

For the past couple of days I’ve been going to the bathroom like the bird at the end of Scary Movie 2 (I will let those remember be included, if you didn’t see it what the f*ck are you doing with your life). I haven’t really done anything differently for the past couple of days but I have been shopping on http://www.overstock.com/. I came to the conclusion that Overstock gives you explosive diarrhea.

If you could put thought bubbles over people’s heads there is no way I would ever be able to stand within 100 feet of a fine woman. There are some Chris Brown like fantasies in there that are private… oh God, I’ve said too much.

Chris Brown v. Bobby Brown: Bobby Brown ruined Whitney Houston’s career, Chris Brown left bite marks all over Rihanna’s arm and fingers. Bobby Brown once feared Osama Bin Laden would take time out of his schedule, of running in the mountains, to kill him. Chris Brown pulled his Lamborghini over to have an argument with Rihanna, a confrontation ensued. Bobby Brown once used his thumb to help Whitney poo because she had a nug way too big for her brown eye to squeeze out (I am not making that up, they talked about it on one episode of “Being Bobby Brown”). Chris Brown has been publicly threatened by Jay-Z (which is childish, “You betta than that Jigga, you betta”) over beating seven shades of $#!T out of Rihanna. Bobby Brown is probably smoking crack cocaine right this moment. Chris Brown is sewing his asshole shut. The winner: Give it up for the “KING of R&B” Bobby Brown! (Whitney Houston did refer to Bobby Brown as the Ko&B when presenting him with an award within the last decade)

And now for your moment of ze… that phrase is taken. Never mind, here (http://www.latinoreview.com/ has the exclusive fan review from someone that has seen the Watchmen):

There were approximately 200 people at the screening.

1. No Black Freighter, although we do catch glimpses of the newsstand and the kid who reads the comic, but only briefly.

2. The ending is different, no squid. I was one of the people who never really cared about squid/no squid, but I feel the ending will work better for mainstream audiences that have never read the book.

3. They do not imply a sequel anymore than the book does...

4. The montage covering the heroes of the past is done exceptionally well, and was longer than I expected. Allows the audience to understand that this is an alternate version of the past and everything they know should be thrown out the window.

5. It is dark, but not the stark realism that fills the Dark Knight. The Watchmen reality is a little more surreal in its feel, like a dream. It really has the feel of the comic in it.

6. Look for the cameo by Snyder's son. He also played young Leonidas in 300.

7. It was fantastically close to the book; even the framings of shots were lifted directly from the book.

8. Jackie Earl Halley is the shit in this. He IS Rorschach.

9. This movie is gory. I'm a gore hound and I was surprised at how graphic some scenes were. Really had people squirming.

10. NAKED Sally Jupiter. (CORRECTION NAKED Silk Spectre)

11. Only character I didn't like was Veidt/Ozymandias. I thought the actor was weak.I have to say Snyder knocked this one out of the park. There is some gruesome, brutal stuff here that is hard to watch. The fight scenes are awesome, and, like in 300, Snyder continues the use of ramping the frame rate to accentuate the movements of the characters. I knew there was going to be some slo-mo, but I didn't think he overdid it. All in all, fans of the book are going to more than pleased with the film. For a book that was for years considered un-filmable, he certainly managed to hit almost every beat and did not compromise any of the material (except for the squid).

So there you have it folks, breaking news once again brought to you by yours truly. I cannot wait for the films release; it will definitely up the ante for comic book adaptations in the future.

Well, we can always push you down the stairs... I don't want to father your children

Well, not much has gone on this week. But apparently SPE and I have a date at UMD college park… Mmm mmm mmm, that smells good. I guess next Thursday they can prepare for lyrical sex (nope, I don’t know what it means either but DAMN it’s catchy) from Ebony and Ivory.

Much like a whore that just choose which guy (sucker) she wants to “go steady” with, I’m at a crossroads with my cologne. Prada is sweet and sends flowers for no reason. But, Dolce and Gabbana makes me laugh and has a lot in common with me. Sigh, but Prada has a nice car so…

Yesterday I was in a class where haters weren’t afraid to let their true colors show. People stood up and gave long testimonials on why Michael Phelps should get the full swing from the hammer (that being he loses all of his endorsements and GOES TO COURT FOR MARIJUANA USAGE?!). It was the clearest demonstration of “hatin’” I’ve ever seen. I’m proud to say that though he screwed up and knew the consequences of his actions, I could not join the haters yesterday. That man has gained access to $100 MILLION through backstroking… a little respect.

Something always feels weird about putting a little cologne on and slippin’ farts on the walk to your desk. I guess I feel like I’ve wasted the cologne.

I’m going to fight every lazy bone in my body and see how Tyler and Jake’s new open mic at the Comedy Spot is. Expectations are high, but I remember the crowds that place used to draw so I’m going in level-headed. Here’s crossing the fingers that Tyler doesn’t ask me if I’m drunk and make me feel bad. The worst part of getting offended when people assume your drinking habits is that you’re immediately classified as an alcoholic. “Don’t talk to him about his drinking, he’s an angry drunk” and all I really want to scream is that I’m not that drunk. I like awkward.

Stupid thought I just had, but I really can’t figure out why people that still consider things “taboo” are going into a comedy club. Early shows should be anything but earlier, but because these douches want to laugh to guideline we all have to make lemonade. They should read a book, leave the laughter to the soulless jackals… like me.

Remember when Foxxy Brown was sexy? I miss 1996.

I thought of a great joke about Down Syndrome, trust me it’s classy.

When’s the last time you used the word “neat” in a good way? I just texted it to someone and you know what? I feel phenomenal about it! New word of the day is: NEAT

“Kit Kat bars are no substitute for affection from you parents” – Karl, the fat guy over in accounting

Jermaine says he heard a joke that I wrote a long time ago performed up in New York. The only thing that ran through my mind was “Oh God, I hope he’s not getting more laughs than I am with it…” I’m sure he didn’t steal it because it only makes sense to think happy animals would be happy food. But I’ll pray for him to get HIV and die (unlike Magic Johnson) anyway. See what I just did there? Forgiveness.

There is a guy, about my age, who is literally as fat as the guy in Se7en who got killed for Gluttony. There’s not far out joke to that, he’s just a tub of $#!T and it blows my mind that he is okay with that. And yes, I have been in the bathroom while he birthed “food babies” and it’s just as animated as you would imagine. “Oh my God, it smells like you ate a goblin in here!”

Watching the Little Mermaid is running through my mind more and more. I think I’m having an early adulthood life crisis. I just want to spend all of my Saturday watching old Disney animated classics: The Lion King, Mermaid, Cinderellie (the rats called her that but fine, Cinderella), Alice in Wonderland, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, Sword in the Stone, The Rescuers and The Rescuers Down Under, The Hunchback of Notre Dame and Tarzan. Good times…

Notice that Pocahontas did not make the cut. Hmmm.

Valentine’s Day is closing in, hope everyone stocked up on red/pink condoms. It’s a special day, I’m helping Nelson shave a heart on his ass, cause he’s got massive ass hair. Happy Holidays ladies, eat your heart out.

The first word on my mind when I woke up this morning was wooby, I shall hence forth call my blanket that. Because I love my wooby.

Every time I see a John Travolta movie like (mostly these three) Pulp Fiction, Phenomenon and most importantly Grease, I can’t help but think “Damn, wtf happened.”

How does everyone feel about Johnny Depp as Moe and Sean Penn as Larry in the new Three Stooges movie? I feel all tingly.

Alright, that is more than enough sludge to wade through, I hope my watch is in there somewhere. Damn.

Peaces

Denny's has a free breakfast... unless you're black

This morning, like so mornings in the northern VA area, people drove like there was a blizzard when four snow flakes fell from the sky. UGGGGGGG!

I had a blast at the Baltimore Comedy Factory this weekend. The headliner Don Jamieson was great and I found out that Andrew “Dice” Clay was his hero that took him under his wing. The first CD I ever bought was Face Down Ass Up, classic, so we immediately had good conversation. And, of course… there was Erin Jackson. I’ve worshipped the ground Erin walks on for a long time, watched her Live at Gotham on my DVR countless times. All I really wanted this weekend (aside from someone to touch “it”) was walk away feeling like my Shero (pronounced she-row) didn’t despise me. Well, I won’t say that we’re best friends now but I think progress was made. I feel like if I saw her in the street and gave thumbs up she would give one back. I can die now Lord… but first could you get someone to touch the wenis.

One of my co-workers has a daughter that “clearly has something wrong with her”. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say some kind of retardation, but it almost looks as though she was kissed with Autism. Because my co-worker has never just put a label on it, she’s forced my friend Cassaundra and I to take stabs in the dark at what the f*ck could be wrong with this kid. Even more unsettling is the fact that pictures of this grunion keep popping up at her desk. I know it’s wrong, but I $#!T you not “this thing looks like a troll”. Maybe it’s because I don’t have any children of my own yet, but wouldn’t someone who loved this thing smother it in its slumber. I’m willing to bet it would lay back and take it, welcoming the sweet release of death. Any person that is strongly PRO LIFE should meet this kid… then pick it up and hold it for a minute. I remember when I first saw a picture of it, it’s like seeing a hallucination because you pause like someone is playing a prank. I’m just glad I’ve never had to meet this monster. “Bah, WTF is that?!” I know those would be my words. Don’t worry I’ll keep you updated on this thing, God’s little experiments never stick around too long (ouch that’s a little mean for a Tuesday… on second thought it’s not, this thing is hideous).

This morning I am listening to Kamikaze (the album) by Twista… yep, just that kind of Tuesday.

Nelson and I were watching 24 last night and adopted the phrase “Hi, I’m ____ from _____ and I live in fear.” It’s because in Jack Bauer’s world everyone is just a sneeze from a terrorist attack or gun fight. Yesterday a man went from possibly wanting a McRib sandwich to being a martyr in 9 minutes. I pray that normal people aren’t living anything close to Jack Bauer’s life, cause it’s been a long morning already. “Hello there, I live in Minnesota and I’m terrified.” Bless you Jack Bauer, bless you.

I wonder what the world record is for a “food baby”. Because, when I woke up yesterday after inhaling a large pizza (from Pizza Hut, only the best) I feel like I probably came close. When is the last time you flushed while still on the toilet to avoid any part of the package getting dunked in? Something to think about…

That last one was way nastier reading it back to myself than I think I’m prepared to be in this blog. Unfortunately, I’ve already dedicated this couple of sentences to the same laugh, and it keeps getting funnier to me. Sigh.

Did anyone know that Blackstreet had a song called The Lord is Real? That’s ironic, cause Chauncey is in prison and homeless and no one knows where the rest could be.

Women seem to be planning for Valentine’s Day because every single one that I know has called me “for no good reason” lately. I’m happy to be alone for this holiday, and it’s one of the few times of year that you get to see who is single without asking. Let it be Merry!

If you own a video game system (not the Wii, I mean 360 or PS3) then you should make the Resident Evil 5 demo your best friend. That is the most fun I’ve had playing a video game in memory. Trust me, be prepared to kill a lot of Africans… and love every second of it.

And now for a news story worth our time:

A Kearns teenager attacked with a medieval battle ax outside his home last summer was targeted because he supposedly passed a sexually transmitted disease to a girl that one of his accused assailants later slept with, a defense attorney claimed Tuesday. Attorney Scott Wilson told a 3rd District Court jury that Cody Jesse Augustine, 21, was angry he contracted an STD from a girlfriend and believed that 18-year-old Justin Ennis was the source of the disease. That lead Augustine to convince friend Scott Tyler Stapley, 22, to unleash an assault on Ennis after the two friends had spent the night drinking, Wilson said during opening arguments of Stapley's attempted murder trial. The bizarre attack left Ennis with severe injuries including a 8-inch laceration in his neck, a 10 1/2 -inch laceration in his left pectoral muscle and smaller cuts on his shoulder and hands, according to charging documents. Augustine and Stapley are charged with one count of first-degree felony attempted murder with injury in connection with the incident in the early morning hours of July 29 at 4541 W. 5780 South. The two are being tried separately. Ennis on Tuesday described a series of text messages he received from his attackers, who posed as a girl named "Stacy" to lure him outside around 4:30 a.m. Ennis said he believed he was meeting Stacy for "a booty call," when his assailants jumped out of a brown Nissan 200 SX. Ennis testified Stapley slashed his neck and shoulder with a four-bladed warrior ax and was later stabbed with a knife several times by Augustine. Ennis was then able to go into his parents' house, where he told them he needed help and laid in a bathtub bleeding until paramedics arrived, he said. Wilson argued Monday Stapley got roped into going along with Augustine to Ennis' house and did not intend to carry out the attack. He said Stapley had initially balked at going to Ennis' house, but changed his mind after listening to his friend complain of pain while urinating and decided to be Augustine's back-up man. Stapley told jurors his client is guilty of aggravated assault, not attempted murder. Police have said Stapley and Augustine are members of the Juggalos, a group the Salt Lake County Sheriff's Office Metro Gang Task Force identifies as a gang. Juggalos are known to follow the rap group Insane Clown Posse. Detectives recovered a necklace with a "hatchet man,"an emblem associated with the Juggalos, from the crime scene and found the emblem again on the Nissan Stapley was driving when arrested, Salt Lake County sheriff's deputy Esekia Afatasi testified. In the courtroom, Ennis removed his shirt to display his scars from the attack to jurors. He said doctors told him he'd been struck 12 times with the battle ax. The assault also perforated the teen's bowel, and doctors had to remove two inches of the teen's colon, according to charging documents. Wilson questioned whether Ennis had bragged about the assault to his friends after discovering the teenager had posted a topless photo of himself on social networking site MySpace.com. Ennis, however, testified he'd put the photos of his scars on MySpace because friends were curious and some hadn't been able to visit him in the hospital. A BMX rider, Ennis said he has lasting injuries from the attack including problems with his left shoulder. The second day of Stapley's trial starts at 9 a.m. Wednesday before Judge Judith Atherton. Augustine's next court date is a scheduling hearing on Jan.23.

A suspect taken under arrest for robbing a bank at dickpoint...

The following was brought to you by the letter Q, because q is the ugliest letter in the alphabet.

Is it Thursday already, last time we did this dance you were only about 115 lbs. I remember you smelled like a bloody nose, cause you were on the rag. God, you were still beautiful though, we must’ve kissed for 10 minutes before I earned my red wings. What was that song playing? Oh yeah, Salt Shaker by the Ying Yang Twins… ah, we were wild girl. My father freaked when he saw the back seat completely covered in blood like it was. How else are you supposed to know to grab a towel without trial and error? He started calling the cops and screaming “What have you done?! You’re going to the rape house boy, why God why? Does your blood lust know end?! Where the f*ck is the body Tyler, where the f*ck is the body?! Did you eat the evidence?! Oh God, you’re developed a taste for blood and there’s no turning back now. Did you come here to kill me now? Go on, DO IT!!! I’m not your real father, you’re mother dumped you on me after that loser Tron left her full of his seed. Go on you animal, pull the trigger! I just wish I could’ve made love to Steve one more time…” The old man was as nutty as squirrel $#!T but I still wish he hadn’t committed suicide once he found out that was your blood. Ah, to be young…memories.

Baltimore Comedy Factory, tonight through Saturday. Have I mentioned Erin Jackson will be there?

I called my mother’s house two days ago and left a message for her with my sister. “Tell Mom that I need money and to give me a call…” Truthfully I didn’t really need money and told my sister not to tell her that it was a lie. That was Tuesday, this morning on my way to work I got a call. “I hear you’ve been trying to get in touch with me…” She heard that I needed money and this was the urgency she had shown to return the call. “Mom, I don’t really need money (She replied “Of course you don’t, you have a good job” to which I said “But I can always use more… give it to me”) but you’ve failed the motherly love test… I demand an increase in the will” There really wasn’t more to the conversation because I was arriving at work, but I’ll keep you posted on that will. Pay the man…

The following just took place, in the workplace:
Mission: Sexual Harassment
TRich: Hey Cassaundra.
Cass: Yesss…
T: Sex Fight!
C:… What?
T: Never mind.
End

Jake and Tyler have a new open mic in the Ol’ Comedy Spot, who doesn’t get misty eyed thinking of the old open mic. I remember good times, my comedy probably sucked twice as much as now but they were good times darn it. It starts at 7:30, forgive me if it’s actually later but I’m too lazy to go to my GMail right now… here http://www.tdcpresents.com/ I know its on there and if you are considering going now you can get it straight from the horse’s mouth.

If you have not read the DCComedy4Now interview with Jimmy Merritt, I forgive you. Now go: http://www.dccomedy4now.blogspot.com/ and find it (it was very recent), celebrate someone who hustled his behind off and put in work. I’m ecstatic for Jimmy and his accomplishments, he is determined and persistent. He took me on my first “real” drive for comedy. And I had a blast at the 955 comedy club, which led to meeting Odyssey Michaels, which led to Funnybone happenings and a lot of friends. He’s down to earth and quite simply “good people”. Wish him luck on his college tour, “Here’s to not coming home Jimmy… for a while anyway.”

I’m done eating Bacon, Egg and Cheese sandwiches made at work. They give me the $#!Ts and the ghost of Christmas Past won’t leave me alone while I work.

It is 11:15 am, I’ve done zero work since 9:30 am. What the f*ck have you done lately? (Gotta love the movie WANTED, Mr. Timnus rocks)

New scent: Dolce & Gabbana The One. Gentlemen, if we don’t show women the definition of sexy how will they ever know if falls right above Seychelles. Which means island group W Indian Ocean NE of Madagascar ∗ Victoria (on Mahé Island) area 107 square miles (277 square kilometers), population 75,876; formerly a British colony, a republic in the Commonwealth of Nations since 1976. I only felt it necessary to give that to you because it took me about 15 minutes to search what comes after sexy in Merriam- Webster’s Dictionary. Oh my God, I’m wasting my life… in 15 minute increments.

I’m pretty hoooongray (hungry) so I’m gonna go make some room for food (…?) and then it’s off to fill the tank. Now don’t think this hasn’t been a little slice of heaven… cause it hasn’t.

Peaces

It's snowing and I'm being held prisoner... at work

Well since Spy Lounge was cancelled last night I went out and put myself in situations where being mugged was of high probability. “Excuse me Spanishes, could you tell me where the nearest Citibank ATM is? I’ve got all this cash on me and it’s uncomfortable to sit… dang it, now I’ve gone and dropped all of my credit cards.”

Quick note: Baltimore Comedy Factory this Thursday 1/29- Saturday 1/31 opening for Don Jamieson with feature Erin Jackson! JAM!!

Mickey Rourke was offered $250,000 to play the villain in Iron Man 2. Not that I care but that’s pretty insulting for someone who looks at that amount like I frown upon being given a penny. I hate pennies.

What is it about small talk that people are so drawn to? I generally run from it, but yesterday I got caught in quite a few situations that call upon a little. One involved a “big” woman, one involved a guy (having a wenis is bad enough but then wanting to talk to another wenis) and the last one was someone who wanted me to join them on a ride to “smoke me out” (okay, the last one was a Godsend… even though he had a wenis).

I’ve wanted to get in a fight for sometime now and feeling like I’m a little buffer certainly doesn’t help that urge go away. I think when enough time goes by without a physical altercation perhaps we forget what it’s like to really be in a fight. When is the last time somebody punched you in the face, really f’n hard? Well Saturday I got a pretty good reminder of why people need to talk their differences out… I was raped. No insertion mind you, but it was about as emasculating as I can imagine. It starts with a big brute named David, my friend. While at my friend Josh’s house for his birthday party we just got done having a conversation that was too boring too remember, the quiet before the storm. Then a playful shove from David, no reason he’s just a big guy that thinks that is funny, I shove back cause I’m no b*tch. Then comes the mush, I mush back, then David did something that caught me off guard… he hugged me and flung us both over a couch. It hurt and my knees were pressed the wrong way on the spine of the couch. Somehow David managed to wiggle out of the scuffle and get back on his feet and behind me, that’s when he grabbed my arms and held them behind my back. He is quite simply, a big dude, I was helpless and since no one was throwing a punch everyone let it go. That’s when the slow grinding started, he humped me for the better portion of 2 minutes… at least it felt like that long. I’ve heard time slows down when in middle of Rape City, now I know… it’s true. I let some time go by and took all the laughter then let David know why I’m similar to an elephant (I don’t actually have to say that “they never forget thing right? F*ck, just did), cause as soon as he got comfortable I kicked him in the d*ck. Then we went outside and smoked a cigarette. Grown ass boys…

Nelson has no idea why rape is so funny to me, he asked me about it the other day. I’m absolutely disgusted by people that feel like they are better than something, like poop jokes. If something isn’t your taste then don’t eat it, but don’t turn your nose up at others who find humor. I still laugh when I fart and probably always will, the day I outgrow that I hope to be dead. Besides, until I’m a convicted rapist I’ll laugh at whatever I like and I hope that other people aren’t allowing some f*ckin’ squares who live a joyless life to dictate what they laugh at. All of that anger isn’t/wasn’t directed at Nelson, but my whole life people have judge what I found funny and said you should joke about or laugh at “___”. To answer Nelson, I made another rape joke and laughed at his disgust. Boosh!

What happened to Sean Paul, you know the light skinned Jamaican? I hope he’s not doing what MC Hammer does, murder for hire.

I understand why I’m not someone’s boss yet, because when I just saw the snow outside I lost my mind momentarily. I had a daydream of throwing all of my clothes off and running bare back into the snow bank. Snow angels, snowmen, laughter, lewd public behavior towards children who are trying to play in the snow… it was magical. Eventually they have to let us out of here, I actually hydro(snowdrop)planed while turning into work this morning. Jesus please!

Dear Wolf,

It has been sometime since I openly went recruiting for your new servants of the darkness. I sincerely apologize but you’re aware that I recently had a hemorrhoid removed, it’s just as painful as it sounds. I have reason to believe that my employer will not let us go home until shortly before it’s our normal time to go home. For once, and you know I hate asking for favors, please just let me go home around the same time as all of my friends. This is recockulous, there is a snow man with my name on it being built right now. If I know Nelson he’s probably hollowing it out so I can get inside and “reveal” myself through the hole where the genitals should be… but this isn’t about that. I’ve called on the Lord to help out but understand he is not easily swayed by the requests of CHRONIC sinners. So, in the event that my cries go overlooked, please keep in mind that for some extra free time today I would gladly stab a hobo. Just the tip of the iceberg to show my appreciation, I know how much you despise the homeless “everybody wants a handout”. Here’s to attacking an innocent little girl with an ice ball made to look like a snowball. Praise be to the wolf…


24 was awesome last night, as usual… what the f*ck else would you expect me to say about Jack Bauer? I don’t want him to show up here at my job and kill me. Because Jack Bauer’s fist can kill through time and space… damn, he’s good.

I’m going to go and do some tiddling, which is my new word for work. Let us pray that they’ll be an entire snow day tomorrow for me to write all of the random sexy that crosses these brows.

An Anonymous Phone Call...

I’m almost afraid to write anything in this “journal” of mine for fear that the people who’ve just started reading will stop… but here’s something new for yuns to drink in while you’re trying to make it to Friday night. Whew, that was a long run-on sentence.

I have finally written some new jokes that I really want to run with. Had to sign my soul over to the devil to break the writer’s block. Kidding, I would never sign my soul over to continue writing $#!T, that’s a play on the bit. It deals with Satan and the contracts he makes… yep, I watched Saw V this week.

Now that Barack Obama is president I seem to have developed about ½ an inch of girth. Just a sign that we can have everything Martin Luther King Jr spoke of so many years ago… I’m on my way to grab a new white woman right now.

I’m not really going to grab up a white woman, I’m at work. Since I just got here that would be frowned upon.

Yesterday I tired out a new line in the quest to offend and find out “What is sexual harassment?” Here is the scene: A co-worker asked me what I would do if I found out that I was going to die tomorrow, and I responded “Go to the bank and cash out my accounts. Then I’d take it out to a nice gentleman’s club because my whole life I’ve just wanted to make it rain.” She was not amused, probably because she’s old (don’t say cause it’s not funny… that hurts) yet still, not offensive. Don’t get me wrong I’m sure a slap on the ovaries would be offensive enough but I don’t want to jump over the line. I just want to dance on it teetering between “nice guy” and “THAT guy”.

A “Real World” Superman Scenario:
Boy: Mary we don’t need a condom…
Woman: You’re right Dave, I’m not with anyone else and I trust you too.
(Cue the theme from the Superman films)
Superman: This isn’t Africa! (Snaps the man’s “member” like the steel beams that he bends and flies away)
END

I’ve had nothing but random Superman scenarios like that one running through my mind since I got home last night.

My microeconomics professor has an accent thicker than a Filipino (cause Nelson says “what we lack in length, we make up for in girth… I’m like a trailer”). I’m very curious to see how these lectures will turn out and I’m sure there’s good laughter in there somewhere. For example: Every time I asked a question, he walked from the front of the classroom all the way back to my face. Once he was about (I’m serious) 3 inches from my face, he would begin to speak. Needless to say I was uncomfortable asking questions by the second time. I wonder if he does that on purpose to avoid interruption.

A serious note:
Everyone wants to be loved, but we are flawed. Sometimes I get so caught up finding someone that I don’t sit back and think “What type of person would really love me for the rest of their life?” Make no mistake, I’m very happy single but would love to share a phone plan with somebody… oh well, until then I gets p*ssy.

The only thing that I can say about the comments from the last blog are: “At least you all are participating”. Justin responded, and I like Justin, I also like the fact that people took the time to shout back. As for whether there is a reshaping of our community going on, that’s very possible. As long as we have the DC Improv, we’ll certainly never go away, just have to get a few more Soho (jeez, just saying it makes me feel old) open mics. I can only hope that’s what the Spy Lounge is/will be.

What the f*ck was that poem that got read after President Obama made his inaugural speech?! That was the worst poem I’ve ever heard. But look at the stage she got to read it on. Never give up, no matter how much you suck it seems like perseverance does indeed pay off. Look at that smug bastard Bill Nye (the science guy, BILL! BILL! BILL!) … I’m kidding, I would never disrespect the Nye like that. I loved that show, he made Mr. Wizard look like a b*tch.

There is an incredibly hot Chinese woman that works on my floor. She is a natural born citizen and speaks like the hood chick from everyone’s darkest, semen soaked nightmares. I would do unspeakable things to dip my toes in “it”. That is all…

My supervisor has been making my team help another section. I feel like you might as well ask me to sweep the floor, cause if I’m doing their job I might as well help out the janitor. I’m a selfish man, self centered and as cold as polar bear dick… don’t judge me please.

Okay, I’m going to go refund some fruit that was frozen and priced the same as non-disgusting fruit. We’ll do this again soon.

Peaces! Oh, and be safe this weekend. My mother is out there on those roads.