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Just as good as a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.

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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

We used to have something...


What is a hate speech? Is it one that involves throwing a roundhouse kick? I don’t know.

“I don’t care what everyone else is doing you are the one that got sent to the principal’s office! If everyone got all jacked up and starting raping your father would join in?”

Will you be taking graduation pictures with your cap and gown on? “Nah, I’m a vampire. I don’t want to waste the money.”

Pimples within 6 inches of the penis are lesions.

Perfect examples of how times change as do tastes:
Werther’s Caramel was a POPULAR candy when are grandparents were children
Whoopi Goldberg had a love scene in all of her movies in the late 80’s and early 90’s
Kriss Kross
Terrorist ≥ Communists
Jack Black made comedies that weren’t for children: Shallow Hall, High Fidelity, etc…
Britney Spears was hot once
There weren’t CEOs named Shakwonda prior to the late 90’s, not sure if that’s good for blacks or sad cause we can’t make up prettier names
Before condoms were necessary men “pulled out” more effectively… what, it’s true
The Extinction of A Lady
It used to be a secret that big women were sexy, til someone ran their mouth
It used to be okay for women to wear shoes, everything wasn’t open-toed
The Beatles≥U2≥Oasis…. But there can be only one COLDPLAY!!!!
1950 Coca-Cola: $.10 2008 Coke: $1.35
Popular “come-on lines”: Then “Did it hurt? (what?) When you fell from heaven, did it hurt?” Now “Eh B*TCH!”
Booty calls vs. The late night “sex?” text to multiple people at once…
Benningan’s vs. Applebee’s
Being a video game enthusiast was once laughed at. Well eat $#!T losers, cause now video games are one of the only thriving, “recession proof”, businesses to be in. WOOT!
Hitting a girl because you like her vs. hitting a women because you love her
Pluto was a planet, once.
“What the hell is a library?”
A slave was freed from the Confederate States and immediately went and got a dog
An old white man is the underdog in a presidential election, yes.

We’ll stop there, I like how that swings. I know that we don’t live in the age of The Scarlet Letter, but I really think it would be great to brand women with children. For safety precautions.

Yesterday I slept through 98% of my commute to work. It was the scariest drive of my life cause I wanted to wake up and couldn’t.

Marry me Marissa Tomei. I know that the answer would be “no”, but I have to take a chance on love. That’s why we pray isn’t it?

Whenever you’re laughing uncontrollably, do what my friend told me he does: “I think about a new Steve Martin movie. It’s sad.”

People who sneeze “AHCHOO!” should be dragged into the street and sexed. That’ll learn’em.

I might have a story later but for now…

Laters

Monday, October 27, 2008

No no no, don't hug me seriously Mom I think this b*tch gave me the clap or something


Yesterday was the first time in years I have thrown up from drinking. I did get some damn good sleep right afterwards. Praise be to the wolf.


A man in the gym was very kind to me on Saturday. He spoke to me a few days before that and I smiled and quickly ran out the door. I suppose I ran for the same reason I’m ashamed to speak of this man. Because it seems slightly gay to me. The next time I saw him he just gave words of encouragement while I ran. “GET IT!!! Whooo, look at him gettin’ it!” While these things did make me smile, I have nothing to say so it becomes me looking at another man and smiling for a second only to realize I’ve held eye contact too long and look back down. Does this behavior sound familiar to anyone? It should, this is how couples in the 50’s acted while the man was “courting”. How paranoid do you have to be to brand yourself gay?


Nelson and I had Sonic Drive-Thru on Saturday night, I won’t go into any gross detail. I’m a yogurt machine and this was Nelson’s text to me yesterday “idk if Sonic did this but im super gassy and my shit smells like eggs”… thanks Sonic!


The older the dog the more his d*ck stinks. If you don’t believe me get down there get a good sniff of Yeller’s taint. It’s madness… My supervisor has been on vacation for a couple of weeks now and it’s been magical. I only wish it weren’t all coming to an end tomorrow. Please magical beast, hear my voice and make this vacation last forever.


Bebe Winans just ran through my mind. He was being chased by the angriest 9 foot WASP you could ever see. I’m tired and these are the foundations of my semen soaked daydream. Enjoy.


It’s been mentioned in the news all weekend; Jennifer Hudson’s mother and brother (maybe it was a sister, I don’t care) shot to death. A child is missing because of it, their offering $100,000 for the child’s return. Hasn’t anyone leaned in and whispered “You know he’s dead don’t you? They can’t bring him back cause physically he’s face down in a ditch with his pants still off and mentally he’s tap dancing with Jesus…” I would, but I’m also terrible in situations like that. Would they still pay up if someone sent them that nephew in a box? “You may pay me the same way I’ll send you the precious one… in installments” It can’t be too soon for that cause it tickles me so…


ABS- The African booty stench. This is a term that soliders in Lybia refer to the locals with. A friend spent the summer there and told me that people had Jordans on that had not showered in weeks. You could see a woman as fine as Halle Berry but careful, cause once you unleash her body you’re certain to find the ABS. Listening to someone says “ABS” makes me laugh. Why is it so easy to make me laugh? Well, easy for everyone except you Arthur (the aardvark from the popular children’s books and PBS show, I never cared for his personality).


I have a friend that specifically goes out of her way not to watch Morgan Freeman. She’s never liked a role he’s played. Insanity….


A gay man with a horrible Mohawk always tries to make eye contact with. Perhaps the next time I’ll try “the slow jerk” on him in the bathroom. Hopefully he’ll think I’m creepy and not f*ckable in any way.


Jim Carrey apparently does not like sequels, but willing to put his name on Liar Liar 2.14 or The Yes Man. Ace Ventura 3 darnit! If I’m going to see you suck at least let me see you suck something familiar.


All that talk of sucking made me hungry. “F*ck it, who wants some Krispy Kreme?!” Neighborhood children: ME!!!!!!!! (the children stampede Tyler’s Corolla and he lures the kids to 7-11 to fill their stomachs with dairy…. Never to be seen again) Whoa, that was a morbid way to end the blog. How about a funny pic to smoothe that over with…




Laters, mamy!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Signs of a classy society...

A contest that would pay $10,000 to an engaged couple, as long as they abstain from premarital sex, hasn't gotten any takers. The deadline for the Marriage for a Lifetime contest is Oct. 31. The prize includes free flowers, invitations and other wedding treats.

So far, organizer Phillippia Faust hasn't gotten any entries.


She said, "In our society it's going to be hard to find" a couple that hasn't had premarital sex.
Faust has orchestrated mock weddings and other pro-marriage activities through her Marriage Appreciation Training Uplifting Relationship Education program, a nonprofit that isn't church-affiliated. The program is implemented through Rockdale Medical Center.


You're welcome. Laters

Thursday, October 23, 2008


To whom it may concern,


For years I have been using your product, Suave lotion, as my primary love mediator. I have been very satisfied with the quality of your product but am terrified to tell you that I think we have a problem. On Sunday March 16th I noticed that there was a strange smell coming from my nether region. It was comparable to Honeydew melon but I knew I had not eaten any, did I mention I that there seemed to be a hint of rhubarb. I made the decision to let it go, since I have the tendency to overreact. I believe I purchased a prostitute the day before I believed the smell could be from her vagina. I drove up to her on the street and chances are that she had no time to wipe off the juices from the previous customer. Lord knows what his d*ck smelled like… I’m getting off track, excuse me.

About two months later the smell had not completely gone away but I’d grown accustomed to it. It wasn’t until I woke up on Monday May 19th, which also happens to be my birthday, I suspected anything. When I took my normal “good morning whiz” I could hear the stream was interfered. I had my eyes closed but I distinctly heard the pop that Rice Krispies make when milk is added. Upon some very close inspection, followed by a shower since I was sifting through my urine, there were chunks of what looked like snot in the toilet. I immediately knew that something was wrong with me.

The doctor could not pinpoint exactly what could be the problem but he did tell me that I curve to the right because I’m well endowed…. Which is none of your concern. Problems with that part of the body would make anyone stop touching it for a while, I believe. I went four months without a pat, jerk, rub, flip into the waistband or even washing it with soap on my hands. It smells band, but I didn’t want to take any chance that I might make things worse. And you know what? Things got better after about a month. It wasn’t long after the smell went away and the chunky stream stopped for good that I felt the urge coming back strong.

I was eating Macaroni and Cheese, I remember that because initially it was hot cheese falling my scrotum that gave me the idea to get back in the game. I wiped the cheese up and it was delicious, then headed to gather the familiar materials. I had my Suave bottle, two paper towels, a beer and my cell phone. Once everything was done, I hopped in the shower since you never know when your mother will stop by for a visit. When I got in the shower, this is hard to say, I saw d*ck meat come out of the hole. I can only liken it to a hemorrhoid on my d*ck. I wish this on no one. This is hell, I can’t make love, I can’t wear jeans and I barely shower anymore. Doctors tell me that they’ll have to remove the shaft to stop the leakage, but I’d prefer my heart fall out of my crotch before I let them cut off Leonard (that was his name before you turned him into a freak).

One man cannot change a corporation, and I’m certainly not foolish enough to think I can, but my story must be heard. I pray that whoever’s eyes should find this has the courage to help a little guy from Virginia find justice. All I want is a new P*nis, I’d prefer if it were black to match my skin complexion. Let me know if you need exact shades and I will send a picture with “it” next to a chart from Lowe’s. Thanks for your help in advance and God’s speed.


Forever Tainted,

Tyler Brockula Richardson


Laters, oh and just in case someone spots this and wants to sue: “In no way does Suave cause penile problems when jerkin’ it. But to be safe, please use Jergens in any scent you choose, they’re the best. And best for you!”

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

If you can't go out with me Saturday then would you at least bang me on Sunday?! I've got $70 bucks!

What’s new?
$#!T, same story different chapter. I had some sausage that doesn’t agree with me last night…
Too much information after I asked what’s new. That’s 12:11 pm conversation and it’s only 9:42 am. Let’s play a game…
Okay.
Word Association, you’re first, ready?
Milk
Bitty
Smile
Bitty
Seriously?
Bitty
No, I mean are you seriously going to say that no matter what word I throw at you?
You’re right, I’ll throw out a word… Dexterity
Umm…
Homeostasis
Uh…
Sarcophagus
Mmmm…
Supercalafragilis…
Okay, I don’t really know what the other ones mean but I know that ain’t a word.
Too right, forget it, you’ve got “Bitty” on the mind and my vocabulary’s too short for this game.


Yesterday I got to see a man discover that his Escalade had just been put on cinder blocks… what is it about other people’s pain that brings me such joy?

For anyone that was paying attention, Mr. Cousson was blogging for “I don’t know how many” consecutive days. That has apparently come to a stop and part of me thinks it’s because he’s fallen in with a cult. Until we hear from his blog again I’d like that to be the rumor about him. Young people are impressionable and often fall in with the wrong crowd. Let us pray they don’t claim young Atif as well. With the balls it took for Justin to begin his last blog with a picture of Chris Haynes and Atif’s Man-ificent beard, that cult could begin selling the most disturbing porn known to man. “Blue Beard and J wit da BIG nuts: Winter Break Edition”… Find him Atif, find him.

“I want Bitty… but Mommy I want Bitty now” that phrase from Little Britain USA never gets old to me. Every week I find the show getting funnier and funnier to me. Could be that I love Britain humor (no punchlines) or it could be that they sandwiched it in between Entourage and Life and Times of Tim. Whatever, it’s hilarious.

Fable II is not that great, I watched Nelson play for awhile before realizing that I could turn my controller on and get in there with him. Maybe it’s because RPGs take too long for this ADD wannabe, or maybe it’s because of how simple the controls are. I’ll pass, but GEARS OF WAR 2 arrives in just about two weeks. WOOT!!!!
Bitty.


If anyone heard of who made it through Baltimore’s round of Stand Up for Diversity please say something. For crying out loud these blog-a-majigs are supposed to be for learning. And trash talk… Eli Sairs is smelly. So there…

I keep writing jokes and fighting the urge to drive out and say them. It’s like fighting a good “jerkin” when no one’s around and
www.youporn.com is streaming at it’s fastest. Maybe this is God’s way of telling me to jerk it, or get out of the house and perform. Probably the second one, “Okay God, okay.”

Does a desk bigger than your friends make you feel better than them? Yes, because going over to visit my friend Jeff who recently got a promotion meant seeing him sitting at a desk that he could have paper football tournaments on. Is it sad that was my first thought other than “Wow, he must get all kinds of work done here…”? Of course not, I was a paper football champion in high school. It never goes away, “I scored five touchdowns in a single game!”

For those that aren’t Married with Children buffs, that last quote up there was Al Bundy’s claim to fame. That, and “Let’s Rock”.

“If I had a million dollars! I’d probably have you shot.”

That’s a little diddy that my friend used to sing in Basic Training. What’s sad is that for the first time since I got out of AIT in TX back in 01’ I honestly can’t remember his name. He was the funniest guy I’ve ever met and now I can’t even remember his name, I remember his face clear as day though. Laziness made me break my promise that my clan from Basic and AIT would keep in touch, don’t let it happen to you people.

I watched a grown man look away while receiving his flu shot earlier this morning. That is the gayest thing I’ve seen all month. What grown man should be afraid of a needle, unless it’s going into your heart through your sternum. That’s reason to be scared.

Well ya’ll, it’s time for me to get some of this “work” done. I’ve treasured our time together today and hope that you watch that Jay-Z video from yesterday and go find the full song somewhere.

Laters (or as the Fowlest would say)… Peaces

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Blueprint III...

And a real blog coming tomorrow. What is with the lack of blogicals?! I miss the controversy of the DCComedy4Now blog... oh well, new $#!T coming tomorrow. I'd do it today but I've having way to much fun daydreaming at my desk.

Laters

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Becca, I'm sorry I forgot your B-Day, I don't deserve you... Eli raise our child. Name him Bastard, for me...

I took a Popsicle into the men’s bathroom earlier today while I made a $#!T. The imagery of it is what tickles me so…

Becca, don't be alarmed that our child would look like this. What did you expect eating all cream cheese? I told you there would be consequences. (what's horrible is that I find this picture so funny I burst into tears with laughter as I showed it to my Friend, what's that say about me?)

John McCain seemed downright immature and unprofessional last night. I’ve heard people say that he was more aggressive and attacking… is that what we call interrupting non-stop, making false accusations, demanding an apology for someone else’s statement and showing his contempt for Obama through his blinks, sighs and eye-rolling. How OLD are you?! Obama was calm and cool (I love that he kept smirking) but the best part of the night was that he stuck a little “Fox News” shout out in one of his remarks. Bias news coverage that blatant should not go unanswered. Overall, an okay night for Obama and just plain embarrassing for one John McCain.

A friend asked me why I don’t play my trumpet anymore and I told her that I lost it in my band room in the 11th grade. “So what are you going to play with your son when he gets older? You need to be practicing now to show him someday.” My response was, “I’ll have given him the only instrument that a boy needs… cock.” The end.

Today is a weird day because I only smell pennies. I don’t know why and it kind of freaks me out, but it’s all I can smell. I hope this isn’t a symptom that one of the balls has to go. What type of cancer makes you smell only pennies?!

I want to write a joke where I relate to men who have slept with a woman without taking a shower for a day. The next day when you use the bathroom at work you generally catch a whiff of “the dong” still glazed over with “her juices” and the scent is beautiful to you and probably gross to someone the next stall over. Similar to the question “Can other men smell my nuts at the urinal?” Imagine walking up while some guy is soaked in a woman he loves and seeing him roll his eyes back in ecstasy as he gets another whiff. You start to urinate and can’t help but lean in to catch a whiff yourself… I’M CURIOUS, DON’T JUDGE ME. To your dismay, it’s the grossest thing you’ve ever smelled, this woman must live on a diet of Asparagus. One man’s trash another man’s treasure. I like the premise but worry that some people would think they were too “mature” to laugh at that. Then again, maybe it’s not funny at all… hmmm.

Call me nuts, but executives always have the most boring dribble when they walk in groups somewhere. Why is it that the best thing they can find to talk about is their children? I pray that I never find myself forced to converse about things that make me wanna die just to have something to say. That’s what the bliss of silence is for. It’s golden, and I don’t care what your child is studying?

I think easy women (aka 99.9%) should wear a pendant or something to let you know they’re promiscuous. It would make it a lot easier to introduce myself if I already know they’re thinking about d*ck.

Passed the woman of my dreams again in the hall on my way to breakfast again. My Spanish love, that’s what I named her about a year ago. One day I’ll think of something to say and bump into her (notice the order) that way she thinks we bumped on accident. I’m a stalker, but I stalk for love.

Would it be inappropriate to come to work in REALLY tight suit? For instance, a suit with slacks so tight they left no detail of “the dong” a secret. I’d love to hear the conversation of a supervisor asking you to leave and get new pants while trying not to stare at the constellation (cause all you see is the outline, get it). Next Thursday…

W. comes out tomorrow, already. I’ve yet to see a trailer for this movie. That is all, will I see it? No. As a child I was bored when my mom made me watch JFK, bored-er (I know it’s not a word but I’m far too lazy to go back and rewrite this sentence) when she made me watch Nixon and I’ll be damned if I give Oliver Stone my concentration as an adult. Natural Born Killers was the bomb though.

I wonder if I have an STD, sorry, I just can’t stop wondering why I’m smelling pennies.

Something to consider when you get home: Downloading Saving All My Love For You by Whitney Houston

I just heard someone speak something in African ( I’m aware that’s the continent not the language but forgive my cultural ignorance) and it sounded like they were kicking it off into the theme from Tazmania. Do you remember how incredibly awesome that show was?! “You see son, life is like a big glass of OJ, and blah blah blah yakkidy smackidy…” timeless.

Can’t stay awake, need t*ttiesmmmm. Never mind, boner achieved, I am awake now.

Here’s to Lucinda. I hope you kept the baby.

Laters

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

If you didn't drink my pickle juice I don't see why you care that it was urine...

Homegrown Comedy was a blast on Friday night. Adrian came out strong and eased the booze down the paying customers throats. Then Jake got out there and showed the longest dirtiest Aristocrats joke that club has seen in a fort night (not really, he told jokeys). Will stood up and had a puppet show describing what hemorrhoids are and how they are removed, it was as classy as Mr. Hessler’s monocle. Nora, who I had not seen before, was incredible and probably had the best set of the night. I loved seeing Eli up there looking all nervous and sensuous, “Because you’re BLACK” easily the best one liner of the night. Tyler S. came down with Thor’s axe and refused to tell a joke until someone pointed him in the direction of the King’s finest meads. And, there was someone else… hmmm “Who the f*ck is T…” I had a ball and didn’t wet my pants not one time that night. Then I went to the dopeman’s casa and started my weekend off right.

Saturday I was supposed to head to Baltimore and wait in line, thus having a great blog of getting told “no” by NBC. I couldn’t think of a great joke of mine (or anyone else’s) that would be good enough to get NBC’s attention. So I flipped a coin several times, spoke to God (via the coin) and decided not to go. If I don’t think my jokes were good enough who will? {Short Weed Coma}
Which leads us to Sunday morning- I woke up and was hit with a joke that I can’t believe I thought of while on the $#!TTER. I think it’s funny, but more importantly I enjoy saying to myself over and over again. I can’t wait to bust it out this week. I hope we have another Aparna story to tell from all the guys who went up there to Baltimore, bring it on home for D.C. baby!

I got a haircut, I look like Denzel… to a racist man who thinks we all look alike.

I watched more “adult films” than I care to share (numbers wise). At no point should going back to you’re computer feel like smoking a cigarette. But sure enough, every 20 minutes or so… what is it about women with GIGANTO butties riding a man to a good soundtrack that makes me so wet?! I meant hard… shut up.

KFC’s Hot Wings have ruined the majority of my morning. I’m still going home to finish off that 20 piece dammit. I’m no quitter… bring on the ‘Roids.

Here’s an image to wrap your brain around:
A naked man tap dancing in slow motion. “It’s like everything moves independent of everything else… oh God”.

Remember the old books by Beverly Cleary, named after the lovable Ramona (I want to say her last name was Beasly)? Good times huh?

I liked Chris Rock’s new special that I saw last night (I know it premiered before that). That’s a big deal to me since I never really like his specials, as a whole, before. With age comes different tastes. Perhaps I’ll grow to like the taste of Heroine… it’s such a big world.

I got to chat with Rory Scovel again on Friday night, does it get any classier than that man? I remembered my name people, normally that wouldn’t mean anything but he’s been on Comedy Central. Now if only I could get him to chew some gum and let me seal it in my wallet. What?! How else am I supposed to prove to “normies” that I’ve spoken to someone on television?!

My dog Max is starting to get those Van Wilder nuts. Just keeping everyone up to speed on Max’s “Cage”. I thought it was important.

Don’t piss off a rattlesnake, it’s just stupid. Let their grammar mistakes slide..

My cologne smells so good I just wanna stand on my desk and dance like an ecstasy addict. Rubbing my body like I was working in oils or something. Problem is that everyone would see me, and how will I ever tell the woman I’m in love with the truth was a reputation like that proceeding me? Ugg, being a grown up sucks d*ck, I never get to do anything I want.

Nelson is losing his hair. There, I said it.

Laters

Friday, October 10, 2008

Don't sneeze, that's how AIDS gets spread

Friday never smelled like yellow cake before. Which is good cause I love yellow cake!!!

Went to the Arlington Draft house and saw some familiar faces known for comedic tales… and armed robbery. So let’s see who were they? Will (I haven’t wiped after a $#!T for a week cause it’s good luck) Hessler, Atif (I wear cologne that makes men question going for the kiss when we give hug n’ pound) Myers, Rob (I’m just a pimp, cause I brought all the women) Maher and Andy (Andy’s just plain cool) Kline. Room was full of suits that came just wanting to drink around their hot co-workers and they got so much more. Stories ripped straight from a porno star’s worst semen soaked nightmares, and the occasional laugh.

The SNL half hour skit mocking the debate last night sucked. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe only the first 8 minutes sucked and then it became as hilarious as the skits of Farley, Hartman, Ferrell, Sandler, Lovitz, Meadows, Murphy, Martin, Aykroyd, O’ Teri, Shannon, Belushi and Chevy Chase (Make notice that none of them are currently in the line-up). When will someone stand up to Tina Fey and proclaim that as soon as she became the head writer, the show turned into buttered $#!T. I praise the other writers on 30 Rock because they must be so funny that their drowning out her stank. While she is bone-a-rrific, I have the sneaking suspicion that whenever he significant other laughs at her jokes, he dreams of the next time they bump uglies. Does it strike anyone else as sad that the only person they could find to do Obama is a white man? And I thought Darrell Hammond was done with SNL, why do the McCain impression?! You wanna have to come back if his deal with Satan sticks and he becomes the next president? 4 more years of that craptacular writing? That’s a step back Darrell, think of the children…

I seem doomed to love a woman I can’t speak to and to have the love of women I don’t want to speak to. Time for some Chuck Mangione, “How do you do it Chuck, how do you do it?”

I feel like blaring some Michael McDonald at my desk but that would be so distracting to everyone else. Not necessarily the singing but the laughter. Something about his voice, I just laugh uncontrollably whenever I hear him sing. Even if they put his CD in at my mother’s funeral…

I straight raped that sandwich!- Atif Myers

That game was straight sex!- TRich Boogey (2002)

Similar, could it be through mind link Atif has tapped into some of my inner nasty? We’ll find out if he starts coming to the stage with just the tip out of the fly. Cause I think that would be hilarious. Not laugh out loud hilarious, but “Ugh…” hilarious. They say the best things in life are free.

Gotta love pay-days, the wolf picks a child to execute the multiplication table up to 50x50. If the child does not answer correctly then he is folded in half until you hear pop, but when he is correct everyone is given a coarsen for many moons. The night time is the right time…

So many things can happen in 8 minutes but I keep telling myself to leave cartwheels out of my routine tonight. Damn this urge to be a showman.

The new show Testees was pretty, pretty , pretty… pretty sweet. Something new, I like that, I hope every week they can keep up the good writing, WE WILL SEE TESTEES… WE WILL SEE.

I’m sleepy and bored. I’m gonna go, let’s do the run down:
TONIGHT
Homegrown Comedy hosted by Hampton Yount
Adrian Rodney
Will Hessler
Jake Young
Nora Nolan
Tyler Richardson
Eli Sairs
Tyler Sonnichsen

Then on Sunday
NBC’s Stand Up for Diversity Initiative
Where: The Baltimore Comedy Factory
When: 10 A.M.
Huh: They’re only seeing the first 100 people/comics that show up. (Since we all know there are 1 million comics in hiding in Baltimore, plan accordingly…)

Laters…

Thursday, October 09, 2008

"Because she is the only prostitute I can afford..."


Hard to believe it was a year ago that I saw Hampton destroy at the DC Improv showcase and win. Seems like yesterday, my how time flies.

As I get ready to make my way down to the Arlington Drafthouse tonight I’m a lot calmer than normal. The past two times that I went to the Improv for the competition I believe I kind psyched myself up too much, WAY too much the first time. In retrospect, I wasn’t ready the first time, I knew that going into the last time. Last time I was in with Jason Weems and Nick Mullen. Weems killed it just like everyone expected him too, and Mullen killed too without making his jokes any more politically correct or less offensive than any other time he’s onstage. I watched the tape that Deeley (Don’t F with Joe) taped and cringed at my set last February. With eight minutes on tape I started with laughs and then came two jokes that I no longer do after watching that tape. Lord knows how long I was telling the Magician and “Jesus wasn’t white” joke, but God… sometimes they got laughs though but definitely not that night. It broke my heart spirit when I didn’t even place. When they called Big Mike’s name I almost lost it, I told myself that even though Weems would win I was certain to at least place. Nope, and I was angry and bitter for a while. That’s about the time that I really started talking to the Fowlest. Because, unless I’m the only one, sometimes we need to speak freely about what we feel is going on and people have a tendency to judge you. God, I hope I’m not the only person in this wonderful loving community that has ever had something that might be considered “hating” to say. Like I said, I was bitter and had my ego crippled. Now over a year has gone by and I think I’m in a different place now. For starters, Jay made it so that it’s no longer a competition and now (with Allyson watching) all you have to do is be funny and not funny than. That’s all I ever really wanted, hopefully I’ll be funny. The Richmond Funnybone definitely gave me a boost in confidence since they showed me a lot of love, last Halloween was my first show there and I never would’ve guessed that I’d be making so many trips down after the disaster that show was. The Spy Lounge started last November and though it’s all Eli’s baby now it was really cool seeing a lot of familiar faces whenever I made it up there. I actually like telling a some of my jokes. Not to say there haven’t been moments where I’ve taken a step back “I don’t think you’re ready to host at the Improv”- Tim (at the time) Miller. Even though I might didn’t agree with that when he told me, it runs through my mind all the time. That was probably almost a year ago but it still runs through my mind. But no one says that kind of thing to people’s faces they usually let the wander. Which is why I respected that he told me that, I didn’t think he was trying to hurt my feelings it was just the two of us having a phone conversation. And since he’s working at the Improv and I’m not, I’ll take all the criticism I can get, but be careful anony’s… I’m sensitive. I hope tomorrow night is a blast, I’m sure it will be. The only part that I’ll miss about the old competition is that hallway that the main showroom has. Something about standing back by that curtain makes me feel like a kid again. Maybe if I get a few chuckles I can see that hallway again…

Not too long ago my sister ate some of my Macaroni and Cheese that my Granny made for me. I don’t play around when it comes to my Granny’s cooking and I was really shocked that when it was offered before I took it all, she had some. So here’s the plan: On a random day that I know my mother and sister are eating dinner I show up and ring the door. My mother will make my sister answer the door because “she said so”, as soon as she opens the door I b*tch slap her to the ground. I walk over her limp 12-year-old body towards the dining room. While my mother freaks out and doesn’t know what’s going on I grab the entire plate of food that my sister hadn’t gotten a chance to enjoy. I take the food back to my car. When stepping back over the kid’s body I turn and say “You never should have touched my Mac & Chee!” then I get in the car and drive home. The end.

The key to a man’s heart is buried deep within the genitals. It can only be reached with saliva… BeeeeJaaaayeeee! (To be pronounced Be-Jay-E)

You can’t hit a woman cause it’s illegal, but I’m pretty sure you can urinate towards her feet to shut her up. Unless you’re in public, which I’m pretty sure is illegal.

Nelson went to the hospital at 2:30 in the morning cause whatever he’s got came back way worse last night. He’s confident that it’s fleas cause someone told him they had fleas, which I think is moronic. If he had fleas shouldn’t I or better yet my dog? After waiting for 4 hours in the ER, they sent him home without a diagnosis but did tell him to “clean your room and wash everything in hot water. Your co-pay will be $100…” when you’re a doctor life must be sweet.

Apparently Jeff Bridges is reprising his role from Tron for the sequel. I wish I had seen Tron back in the day so I was excited. Though whenever “The Dude” shows us a new masterpiece far be it from this dude not to oblige.

After hearing Bow Wow and Soulja Boy Tell’em’s song Marco Polo I went out and slapped a tree with frozen meat. I needed to tenderize the meat and the tree seemed like a good idea but that song was TERRIBLE.

I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket. Should you find her the bounty is as follows: $10,000 dead and $500,000 if the corpse is still warm enough for… me. No questions.

Lately my eyes have been diverted to boob meat a lot more than normal. Normal is a lot so I don’t even know what to call the last few days. I’ve almost gotten into car accidents from looking at them lately. Not that funny but eerily true.

Common mistakes:
A lot
Ar
Christopher Columbus discovered America
Steve Martin still makes funny movies, by my count Father of the Bride II was the last
Watermelon are loved by black people
Guys want to be friends
Other people’s cultures are cool
Smoking cause lung cancer which ultimately kills people, really it’s AIDS that come from all that cool sex smoking brings. Cause smoking is cool
A woman’s face doesn’t matter is her body is “aight”. Ugly people are gross.
Sex is better than taking a $#!T. Last I checked, $#!T was expecting anything from you just effort
Bologna is meat… just plain gross is what it is
A prisoner would have to kill you before he takes your manginity. In truth he just knocks you out and you wake up in pain. Plus semen is falling out of you… or so my friend Wilhite the prison guard has told me

MMMMkay, I’m gonna go cause if I don’t get up and walk around I’m gonna fall asleep. Again…

Laters

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Back up Johnny, I'll piss at you


This morning, Elliot from Elliot in the morning said the most ignorant thing I’ve ever heard. “Barack Obama is black, he’s not half…” I’ve joked with friends about how the media calls him black and pretends not to acknowledge his FAMILY. But he actually silenced a woman while she argued how his mother and grandparents who raised him were white. Do I care if he’s half? No. But the fact that a Elliot (who I kind of worship) was so adamant about him only being black took me back to conversations with older black people throughout my life. “White people don’t care if you’re light skinned, mixed or whatever. If you have a drop of black in you, YOU ARE BLACK…” I’ve heard that statement or something very close to it all my life. Not that I’m naive and believe that racism is dead or even dying but it’s sad. It’s about as sad as the fact that they know Jesus Christ, a man from (f’ing) Jerusalem, was not white but I guarantee there is someone painting a picture of him white right now. He is not Santa Claus nor is he up to interpretation. He existed… sigh… I’m gonna move onto something that might not offend someone, like my topic of breast cancer awareness yesterday (wink). Woosa…

Steve Chandler just texted me that while working with Kriss Kross they were unforgiving… classic. Don’t worry about the build up to it or why he would reference them, just take a second to drink in that he pulled Kriss Kross out of his ass for you and I to laugh at. Ah, to be young.

Last night while watching the debate with my favorite Asian, I had a recurring thought. Every time I got up for more Gumbo, four days in a row now (I’m as regular as scheduled programming), I turned and could almost see some crazy man stand up and shout “Black Son of a B*tch!” and then a bomb goes off taking out both presidential candidates. It would be the craziest thing ever broadcast on television followed by JFK’s assassination and Janet Jackson’s Boob-meat. What scares the ever loving sweet crap out of me is that in a race between Sarah Palin and Joe Biden I think Biden would lose. Do we not recognize that Sarah Palin is the devil in a really hot cougar outfit. I’ve never seen her shower, love to, but never seen it. The Devil is afraid of water…

Which is less offensive? To ask your boss who they are voting for, or to break wind (my Granny still says that) while they are leaning over your shoulder? Becca, since you’re the only one that speaks up I’m looking your way. Anony’s, c’mon…

First question to ask God when I get to heaven: “God, why did you make some men have small penises? Was that necessary or were you just evening the playing field?”

I actually did something I’m not proud of last night. Nelson and I stole trash. While walking to our gym we saw a chair that looked straight out of IKEA and both wondered why someone threw that out. To set the record straight, we are completely opposed to that, and have money. But it looked so new we had to drag it into the light and get a better look once we were done with our workout. It checked out, we still took precautions though. We cleaned it, vacuumed it and let it set there. During the debate Nelson jumped over and sat on it to see if it was at least a little comfortable. He sat on it for literally 3 seconds. “It’s still wet, looked dry but … nope” he then got up and sat back on the couch. FLASH FORWARD: This morning I hear someone showering in the hall bathroom at about 5:30 am. I go back to sleep thinking our other friend Kevin actually came home (we haven’t seen him since last Thursday, could be dead except I keep seeing his car at work in the parking garage) last night. When it was finally time to wake up I opened my door to go get something. A scream from the bathroom “DON’T SIT ON THAT CHAIR!!!!” I wasn’t planning on it and told Nelson that. He says “I’ll tell you why in a second” he had been in the shower for the better part of an hour. When he came out he looked like he was wearing camouflage skin, hives all over. Apparently he’s allergic, or someone bought that chair just to play a cruel joke. Terrible way to start the day, luckily I did not sit on that chair even to test it out. So the trash chair experiment was a failure, and our upbringings should have taught us better than to take someone’s trash. We laughed about it as we ran from the compactor back to our place, I guess the chair got the last laugh. Don’t dig through trash people, it’s trash for a reason. Poor Nelson…lol… that wasn’t right.

There is a woman that walks by me everyday that has looked pregnant since I got here. I’ve finally given up that notion because she never has a bra on. That’s not motherly…

An analyst in my team would be a really attractive white woman if it weren’t for her “man hands”. All that ass, what a waste, though to be honest I’d still do her if her fiancĂ© hadn’t just died. Baggage…

What does the PH stand for in NPH? “Patrick Harris” Common mistake, it actually stands for Poon Handler. –NPH, Harold and Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Boss lady bought the team Panera today. Is it wrong that all I can think about is fried chicken? … and P*ssy.

(an hour and half passes, for me to deliver the next real life story)

Coming back from lunch my friend Cassaundra and I are waiting for an elevator. Literally 12 people decide they want to cram in the first one to come along. I’m never that confident in my shower or deodorant that I want a stranger practically making out with me for four floors… a Christian not a whore. So we wait for the next elevator, and four people, including us get in. We all joke about the crowded elevator until ours stops at the 3rd floor to let 8 people in. Then we’re sardines just like those that gave us such a hardy laugh. They smelled like smoke and then the doors closed. It stops again at the 4th floor and no one gets off when the door opens… is someone else about to get on. When the doors opened up and we took a look around, it dawned on everyone that the MORBIDLY OBESE man standing near the button wanted on. Maybe he didn’t want to jeopardize the maximum load capacity (seriously, with that many people it was a sure bet that we were too heavy) or he saw the terror in everyone’s eyes, but he took a step back and let the doors close again. It was then the elevator burst into laughter. Who started the laughter… Cassaundra and I. Good times…

Gotta go, this whole Homegrown Comedy thing has really driven the blog views so… keep that going.

Laters

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

That $#!T$ weaker than my erocktion


Last night I had a nightmare that about a woman that I have only spoken to once. This is the definition of a single, lonely man. Oh, but I did have Steak’Ums… and more Gumbo.

I wore new cologne today and I keep catching whiffs of myself. I’m beautiful…ah. Oh no, erocktion. (that last word was a mixture of two great things erection + rock)

Macaulay Culkin is the man, why? Cause he was smart enough to snatch up Mila Kunis years ago and never let go. Congrateys, now that I finally finish Forgetting Sarah Marshall (not f*cking bad) I can appreciate that she is damn near perfect.

Why do erocktions smell like almonds?

My stomach feels funny, I can’t help but replay footage from this morning where I picked up these two sausages that I questioned the moment I laid eyes on them. Mistake.

What is a grammatical error, if not the only weapon that we have against the terrible Wizard of eloquence. We have to keep him at bay.

I could swear I smell feet right now. God, I hope they aren’t mine. Then again, if they were someone else’s feet how bad would they stink to catch me over here. But all the women around me don’t have shoe-zens on. (Why the f*ck do they do that, I hate FEET) Could this be the terrible inbred offspring of all the odors not wearing a condom? Iraqi, Black- Puerto Rican, African and good ol’ fashioned Black… gross.

How funny would it be to stone a man to death? Seriously.

Yesterday I went to the bathroom, Gumbo got me, and it was packed like someone made a Glory Hole. I had to seem like a man-child cause I went to a stall and closed the door. I didn’t like how close the two guys feet were to the middle stall I was in so I spun around and dipped. I have issues, I know this but can only watch as I do the things I do.

Condoms for Halloween have been done, yes. Pennies, soda, porn and even candy. Which is why I’m considering BVD underwear. Once I hand out about 12, I’m done. I ain’t spending the kind of money it would take for two 12 packs on those bastards. I’m nobody’s daddy!

My Lil Wayne fetish has caused me to download about 50 songs this weekend that weren’t on a CD. It’s pretty gay, but the music is slamming. Sigh…

My friend Cassaundra sneezed all over a bunch of papers on her desk while talking to me. The sneeze sounded like it was chunky, and angry. She WIPED the papers off and I said jokingly “You aren’t going to hand those papers to anyone are you?” She said “Yeah, you…” then she handed me a form that was necessary for me to look at… UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

Britney Spears…. Vagina…. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles… Firecrackers…Pubic Hair

Had you asked me how much all of these things kicked ass at one point in my life I would have told you “Enough ass that we couldn’t carry it all back in the house”. Nowadays I’m tempted to reply back a list of better things:

Beyonce….Conversation worth having… A Slave or indentured servant… Mary Jane… Cologne


I don’t know how he did it but I actually found myself liking Kanye West’s song Love Lockdown… sigh. If anyone saw the VH1 hip hop honors it was AWESOME, finally someone paid homage to SLICK RICK tha ruler!!!! And he performed Children’s Story, does it get any better? (No, shh, no)

This morning a blind man waited on a curb tapping his cane before, I’m guessing, he tried crossing the street. This was during the busiest time of the morning and he was not at a crosswalk. I wanted to stop the car and help out, which is weird cause I’m a terrible person deep down inside, but I had to get to work. That’s all, it just gave me a second to think of how hard someone else’s life is on a day to day basis. Sometimes we take things for granted until we see someone else that has it so much harder than ours. Just look at the Do Do Bird, they’re all dead people… they’re all dead.

I hate the women who walked for Breast cancer on Friday, I sat in traffic an additional hour cause of them. Yep, I really don’t care and friend and I had a debate about Breast cancer awareness. I think we’re pretty aware, this is not 91’ and most people are aware and also aware that there is A LOT of funding for Breast cancer (notice I capitalize the “B” in breast out of respect). I honestly don’t know how many people die from it (don’t get all pissy if you’re friend’s mom died from it, I don’t even know her… sheessh) but it can’t be killing of as many women as it once did, in the 90’s. I’m not even sure they’re still chopping of women’s breasts for that anymore, except for Sheryl Crowe, I heard it looked pretty gross. Let’s get people aware of something they don’t know about like the Scabies. Keep the pink ribbons, they’re yours…

Poop. That’s funny to me.

New slogan of the day: Seagram’s Ginger Ale “Cause you accidentally kissed that hooker last night”

Huh? You didn’t like that slogan?! I put a lot of work on that. C’mon… f*ck it.

I’m gonna get some work done, enjoy yourself. Drafthouse- Thursday, Improv- Friday, Diversity- Sunday, Rule the world with the help of THE WOLF- Tuesday…

Laters

Monday, October 06, 2008

A Case of the Mun-days...

I hate the way Coke makes my teeth feel like I have sugar coated on them. You know, perhaps I should say Coca-Cola, cause that could definitely be taken the wrong way. I don’t do drugs… just ____ (I can’t incriminate myself at work, c’mon).

I spoke with Eli and maybe I’m the last to know that no one should hit on Becca ever again. Let’s recap the conversation at its most interesting:
Eli: Hello Tyler, I wanted to talk about some of the e-mails I’ve seen coming from you to Becca…
Tyler: Eli, that’s not how we say hello. What are you wearing?
Eli: Now is definitely not the time for that!
Tyler: If the robots attacked tomorrow I’d die without a decent image to stroke to, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?!
Eli: (sigh) a brown paper bag over the junk with a string around the back. Now can we talk?
Tyler: Proceed…
Eli: Stop sending Becca the nudes of you walking around your home doing chores. It’s gross man and she’s spoken for.
Tyler: You’ve seen those?
Eli: Yeah, moving a rug with nothing but sandals on… gross, it haunts me. Who is taking these pictures? Nelson?
Tyler: Eli, I can’t believe that Becca betrayed my trust like that. It doesn’t matter who took the pictures, they were for her eyes and she ruined the sentiment…
Eli: Look I don’t want this to get any weirder so we’re done with the nude chore pictures right?
Tyler: Scorpion Woman! Yeah, yeah we’re done. So now that she’s spoken for maybe you can answer a question for me…
Eli: What dude?
Tyler: Did she keep the baby? God I hope she believes in abortion (fingers crossed), I mean I’m not really sure that we did it though. I had this really lucid dream thing and I swear I don’t remember putting on a condom and oh God, I’ve got a bit of a drinking problem. What’s my mother gonna say? She thinks I’m gay and now…
Eli: I think that was a dream man.
Tyler: Oh… cool then. Hey Eli…
Eli: Yes T-Rich (cause that’s how Eli says it)…
Tyler: How’d that one picture look where I was baking a casserole and turned around like I forgot I was naked? Money right?
Eli: Umm, God. Uh, yeah man, totally money. I’m not lying either.
Tyler: Can’t wait to see you Friday at Homegrown Comedy. It’s at the DC Improv right? Tickets still $10? Let me make sure I have the line-up right: Tyler S. (you teased me last Saturday, Black Son-of-a-B*tch. I loved you once), Will-the freak master-Hessler, Adrian, Nora, Jake Young, you and I? Right? Hampton’s hosting too isn’t he? Gonna be fun!

I ate so much Gumbo last night I drove to work with the fear of a flood. A pants flood… but God that Gumbo was off the chain. How do you do it Granny, how do you do it?

Yesterday I woke up really early and began a movie festival that would surely dry up a woman, so I guess I’m lucky I have no love in my life. Here is the list: The Man who Wasn’t There (B+), The Seeker: The Dark is Rising (A) and porn (A+ cause it featured Brazilians with greased up really big behinds. That’s right, I’m an ass freak)

To elaborate on that last “ass freak” line, I don’t like anal or watching someone do that. Seems gay to me, cause everyone has one and if you’re into that I’ve always seen that as being one tough decision away from crossing sides. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

Yesterday my mother called me, before noon no less, and wanted me to come help sign up people to register to vote and lure them towards Barack Obama. I met that request with a hardy “NO”. Love the woman, but I’m not gonna go door to door selling democracy. Anyone that plans on voting in VA knows that today is the deadline and let’s hope more republicans decide to sit in. It does disgust me to no end that so many woman are siding with Palin just because she’s a woman. She is hot, no question, but were you listening to what she said and more importantly DID NOT SAY at that debate?! LORD. I wish I was a resident of MD or some other state that isn’t full of retired old white men and women. VA always gives its electoral votes to the republican candidate, but I’ll still get out there and vote. I’m not gonna shower for three days, that way I put all those McCain voters (and by accidental proximity Obama voters) in a horrible voting line. It’s the little victories…

I was an hour late to work today, traffic was a big smelly fat woman that hugs you for way too long. I saw not one dead body nor did I see an accident that would bring that along. Terrorists, I understand.

Not really, I just hate traffic. And freedom.

Praise be to the wolf.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall was terrible. I will say that I only stayed awake for about 40 minutes of it, Nelson tried telling me that it got better later on. Unless the movie is a 4 hour epic, I think it disqualified itself as good. If the last 40 minutes of a movie a little less than two hours are okay, “It Stinks!”. That quote was provided by Jay Sherman (The Critic, which is available on DVD and iTunes). To be honest I’m not sure it’s available on iTunes, but that show always makes me fart… from laughter.

I saw a stunningly beautiful woman trip today while getting my breakfast. Thanks God, if I can’t have her beautiful let’s make her land on her face next time and I’ll getting while she deals with reconstructive surgery. Lowered Expectations…

Why is it that I always get more compliments from woman at work when I feel I’m “slummin’ it”? Could it be that I’m not as attractive as I know I am? Oh… My… God…

When I’m getting out I never write jokes, when I’m not they flow like water… but how do you know if these new thoughts are funny then? Hmmm…. Sorcery.

The time is 12:59 and I’ve finished all my work for the day, now for EuroTrip, what? It never gets old to me.

Laters

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Fox in Socks


FoxSocksBoxKnoxKnox in box.Fox in socks.Knox on fox in socks in box.Socks on Knox and Knox in box.Fox in socks on box on Knox.Chicks with bricks come.Chicks with blocks come.Chicks with bricks and blocks and clocks come.Look, sir. Look, sir. Mr. Knox, sir.Let's do tricks with bricks and blocks, sir.Let's do tricks with chicks and clocks, sir.First, I'll make a quick trick brick stack.Then I'll make a quick trick block stack.You can make a quick trick chick stack.You can make a quick trick clock stack.And here's a new trick, Mr. Knox....Socks on chicks and chicks on fox.Fox on clocks on bricks and blocks.Bricks and blocks on Knox on box.Now we come to ticks and tocks, sir.Try to say this Mr. Knox, sir....Clocks on fox tick.Clocks on Knox tock.Six sick bricks tick.Six sick chicks tock.Please, sir. I don't like this trick, sir.My tongue isn't quick or slick, sir.I get all those ticks and clocks, sir, mixed up with the chicks and tocks, sir.I can't do it, Mr. Fox, sir.I'm so sorry, Mr. Knox, sir.Here's an easy game to play.Here's an easy thing to say....New socks.Two socks.Whose socks?Sue's socks.Who sews whose socks?Sue sews Sue's socks.Who sees who sew whose new socks, sir?You see Sue sew Sue's new socks, sir.That's not easy, Mr. Fox, sir.Who comes? ...Crow comes.Slow Joe Crow comes.Who sews crow's clothes?Sue sews crow's clothes.Slow Joe Crow sews whose clothes?Sue's clothes.Sue sews socks of fox in socks now.Slow Joe Crow sews Knox in box now.Sue sews rose on Slow Joe Crow's clothes.Fox sews hose on Slow Joe Crow's nose.Hose goes.Rose grows.Nose hose goes some.Crow's rose grows some.Mr. Fox!I hate this game, sir.This game makes my tongue quite lame, sir.Mr. Knox, sir, what a shame, sir.We'll find something new to do now.Here is lots of new blue goo now.New goo. Blue goo.Gooey. Gooey.Blue goo. New goo.Gluey. Gluey.Gooey goo for chewy chewing!That's what that Goo-Goose is doing.Do you choose to chew goo, too, sir?If, sir, you, sir, choose to chew, sir, with the Goo-Goose, chew, sir.Do, sir.Mr. Fox, sir, I won't do it. I can't say. I won't chew it.Very well, sir.Step this way.We'll find another game to play.Bim comes.Ben comes.Bim brings Ben broom.Ben brings Bim broom.Ben bends Bim's broom.Bim bends Ben's broom.Bim's bends.Ben's bends.Ben's bent broom breaks.Bim's bent broom breaks.Ben's band. Bim's band.Big bands. Pig bands.Bim and Ben lead bands with brooms.Ben's band bangs and Bim's band booms.Pig band! Boom band!Big band! Broom band!My poor mouth can't say that. No, sir.My poor mouth is much too slow, sir.Well then... bring your mouth this way.I'll find it something it can say.Luke Luck likes lakes.Luke's duck likes lakes.Luke Luck licks lakes.Luck's duck licks lakes.Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.I can't blab such blibber blubber!My tongue isn't make of rubber.Mr. Knox. Now come now. Come now.You don't have to be so dumb now....Try to say this, Mr. Knox, please....Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.Stop it! Stop it!That's enough, sir.I can't say such silly stuff, sir.Very well, then, Mr. Knox, sir.Let's have a little talk about tweetle beetles....What do you know about tweetle beetles? Well...When tweetle beetles fight, it's called a tweetle beetle battle.And when they battle in a puddle, it's a tweetle beetle puddle battle.AND when tweetle beetles battle with paddles in a puddle, they call it a tweetle beetle puddle paddle battle.AND...When beetles battle beetles in a puddle paddle battle and the beetle battle puddle is a puddle in a bottle......they call this a tweetle beetle bottle puddle paddle battle muddle.AND...When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles......they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle.AND...Now wait a minute, Mr. Socks Fox!When a fox is in the bottle where the tweetle beetles battle with their paddles in a puddle on a noodle-eating poodle, THIS is what they call......a tweetle beetle noodle poodle bottled paddled muddled duddled fuddled wuddled fox in socks, sir!Fox in socks, our game is done, sir.Thank you for a lot of fun, sir.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Wednesdays were born gay, its not a choice

Here is a little beauty that I call “The Family Guy Season Premiere”, you may refer to it as the funniest episode since the show came back. tp://www.imdb.com/video/hulu/vi2718892057/
Enjoy people!

In other news, I found out it can take a man three days to find a stamp, an envelope and mail it. Why everything doesn’t deal in Internet transactions is anyone’s guess. I mailed the $#!T out of that letter though. Bought myself a Cherry Coke to celebrate.

I’d like to say I’m cleaning a bong right now, but I’m actually typing at my desk… yep.

Radical honesty is only dangerous to two types of people: The fats and the smellies. Everyone else doesn’t really stand to get their feelings hurt. Sadly, I think I could go on all day someone’s weight. Please don’t think less of me (assuming that’s possible), cause if you honestly can’t find humor in a fat joke I pity you. Just like the people who turn their nose (yeah, I used that phrase today) up at masturbation jokes. That’s always gonna be funny darn it.

What happened to people caring about people? Oh yeah, Timothy Dalton as 007. I lost hope back then too.

A whore won’t know she’s a whore until you slap her and give her a nickname. Just a little gem a hobo passed on to me, now I’m passing it on to you. Pay it forward.

You can’t dance if you’re in prison. Cause then they’ll see the tip of your d*ck through your jeans while you sway… and you don’t want that. Cause it’s sexy… to them.

For the remainder of the month I think I’ll refer to taking a “pee” as “shape shifting”. Oh it doesn’t make sense but imagine the fun.
Boss: Deaven the president is stopping by to ask some questions, where have you been?
Deaven: Shape shifting in the bathroom.
Boss: … I don’t understand you. May I speak to you in my office, or HR?

Bliss.

I picked up a hitchhiker yesterday. Had to kick them out though, they forgot their BJ bandanna.

I wouldn’t really pick up a hitchhiker… without a gun on me. Seriously, even if it was a really hot woman.

Last Friday I went to a baby shower that I got invited to. Nope, I’m not gay. This friend of mine has no idea what a terrible person I am and that I HATE CHILDREN. I got a nice gift though, but still felt completely out of place. It was almost as bad as when I agreed to go to The Rocky Horror Picture Show with Nelson. Those geeks screamed at the screen the ENTIRE movie, you couldn’t watch it if you tried. Not for me…

I wish I had a Baby Ruth bar, except I’m human. Who eats Baby Ruth bars besides Sloth?

Don’t punch a midget unless you want to be one.

I watched that Asian kid who was talking trash at Off theWall on Justin’s Blog. Do not touch that kid, you are bound to have funny thoughts sucked from your mind and raped. Just don’t touch him.

I can read! That might not be a big deal for you all, but that goes against everything my second grade teacher predicted for my unsuccessful future. Now to have consensual relations… no gun this time. Or trickery…

I’m getting ready to have lunch, read this 12x and comment one letter at a time. Unless it’s gonna be rude, you can say rude stuff in sentences. Examples:
Letter: I… l…o…v…e…y…o…u…T…R…i…c…h
Sentence: Tyler, you passed gas on my side while we were standing next to each other last night. My sweater smells like hundred year old wolf p*ssy! I don’t care for your comedy and I don’t care for the amount of dead child you had to eat to get my sweater to smell like that. Peaces- signed The Fowlest

Laters

About Me

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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