Wednesdays were born gay, its not a choice

Here is a little beauty that I call “The Family Guy Season Premiere”, you may refer to it as the funniest episode since the show came back. tp://www.imdb.com/video/hulu/vi2718892057/
Enjoy people!

In other news, I found out it can take a man three days to find a stamp, an envelope and mail it. Why everything doesn’t deal in Internet transactions is anyone’s guess. I mailed the $#!T out of that letter though. Bought myself a Cherry Coke to celebrate.

I’d like to say I’m cleaning a bong right now, but I’m actually typing at my desk… yep.

Radical honesty is only dangerous to two types of people: The fats and the smellies. Everyone else doesn’t really stand to get their feelings hurt. Sadly, I think I could go on all day someone’s weight. Please don’t think less of me (assuming that’s possible), cause if you honestly can’t find humor in a fat joke I pity you. Just like the people who turn their nose (yeah, I used that phrase today) up at masturbation jokes. That’s always gonna be funny darn it.

What happened to people caring about people? Oh yeah, Timothy Dalton as 007. I lost hope back then too.

A whore won’t know she’s a whore until you slap her and give her a nickname. Just a little gem a hobo passed on to me, now I’m passing it on to you. Pay it forward.

You can’t dance if you’re in prison. Cause then they’ll see the tip of your d*ck through your jeans while you sway… and you don’t want that. Cause it’s sexy… to them.

For the remainder of the month I think I’ll refer to taking a “pee” as “shape shifting”. Oh it doesn’t make sense but imagine the fun.
Boss: Deaven the president is stopping by to ask some questions, where have you been?
Deaven: Shape shifting in the bathroom.
Boss: … I don’t understand you. May I speak to you in my office, or HR?

Bliss.

I picked up a hitchhiker yesterday. Had to kick them out though, they forgot their BJ bandanna.

I wouldn’t really pick up a hitchhiker… without a gun on me. Seriously, even if it was a really hot woman.

Last Friday I went to a baby shower that I got invited to. Nope, I’m not gay. This friend of mine has no idea what a terrible person I am and that I HATE CHILDREN. I got a nice gift though, but still felt completely out of place. It was almost as bad as when I agreed to go to The Rocky Horror Picture Show with Nelson. Those geeks screamed at the screen the ENTIRE movie, you couldn’t watch it if you tried. Not for me…

I wish I had a Baby Ruth bar, except I’m human. Who eats Baby Ruth bars besides Sloth?

Don’t punch a midget unless you want to be one.

I watched that Asian kid who was talking trash at Off theWall on Justin’s Blog. Do not touch that kid, you are bound to have funny thoughts sucked from your mind and raped. Just don’t touch him.

I can read! That might not be a big deal for you all, but that goes against everything my second grade teacher predicted for my unsuccessful future. Now to have consensual relations… no gun this time. Or trickery…

I’m getting ready to have lunch, read this 12x and comment one letter at a time. Unless it’s gonna be rude, you can say rude stuff in sentences. Examples:
Letter: I… l…o…v…e…y…o…u…T…R…i…c…h
Sentence: Tyler, you passed gas on my side while we were standing next to each other last night. My sweater smells like hundred year old wolf p*ssy! I don’t care for your comedy and I don’t care for the amount of dead child you had to eat to get my sweater to smell like that. Peaces- signed The Fowlest

Laters

Tuesday, more like Poosday... I'm witty

So yesterday Nelson and I saddled up and went up to the Spy Lounge. Eli and I learned an important lesson from Nancy, which is “A sign brings in a crowd”. Who would have thought, something so simple means so much to people. But, when I think about it I guess I’m a slave to that logic as well. I won’t go into a strip joint that doesn’t have a woman with a fox tail as its mascot. That’s just how I roll. It was a good time, let us take a look back: Bryson, McBride, Adrian, Some n*gga named TRich, Byward, Travis Irvine, Jay Hastings, Seaton, Jake Young, Rebecca brought most of the crowd who stayed and laughed their @sses off and we cannot forget the lovable Will “date rape face” Hessler. Mucho gusto, bueno.

Nelson and I went by an old woman’s house when we were done at Spy Lounge. We burst right through the front door and while he made small talk I grabbed what alcohol I could find. Her dogs barked away while we started to heat up some food that was lying around. We ate so much lasagna, this morning I thought I wouldn’t make it through traffic. The old woman laughed and shared stories of times long ago. She offered Nelson so many plates of Lasagna I’m sure his morning was…. Delightful. The old woman was my Grams, the three of us drank and sang songs for 16 hours (God D*mn) kidding.

Yesterday I had to pee. Drinking on the way to Spy Lounge normally does that to me. The first thing I went for was the bathroom. When I opened the door I saw a familiar sight. It was the owner, taking a $#!T. Whenever you catch someone in that position they’re so defenseless it’s precious. He looked just like I looked when John McBride opened the door on me at the Laughing Lizard. It was priceless, his last words to me as Nelson and I split were “Bet you’ll knock next time!” I sure won’t, I sure won’t.

I feel pretty f*cking sexy lately, what’s that about?

Dear God, please heal Morgan Freeman A.S.A.P. without his arm how will he ever keep all of these young women in check? He’s become a symbol of our generation even though he’s easily 235 years old. How he keeps his pimp hand so strong is beyond me, but legend says he once pimp slapped a nun so hard he came. (How Awesome, yeah it’s gross, but how Awesome would that be?) They say he stopped a meteorite from destroying civilization as we know it, with his smile. He single-handedly stopped the Civil War with help from Denzel. Damnit, he watched Tim Robbins get gang raped in jail and composed himself enough to narrate for those not in attendance. Please, give us back our angel. Amen.

Dear Wolf, while God is busy healing Morgan Freeman could you age Dakota Fanning for. I don’t need her to be too old, just 22. I’ve got a good feeling about this one. Did you see War of the Worlds? You know what I’m talkin’ bout. Praise be to the wolf.

Am I the only person yet to laugh at a Pineapple Express trailer. It doesn’t look funny, and people are comparing it to Half Baked and other classics. Dazzle me. (with that said I should also say that I had no interest in the 40-Year-Old-Virgin, Knocked Up and other Judd Apatow movies that I went on to see and love like everyone else)

Does John McCain look like Glen Quagmire to ANYONE else?! I can’t be the only one who sees this. His jaw makes him look like a Rock’em Sock’em Robot.

A really buff IT guy shook my hand earlier and said “Looking good today man”. As he said that he was crushing my hand. I think he just shook a year or two of my life away. Can’t be sure though, better consult the Wolf.

The Iraqi woman behind me and I had a moment earlier. I stopped working to turn around and look at a woman. She stopped working because she’s suspicious looking and turned to look at me. Perfect timing our eyes locked and then we squinted, and not in a friendly way. Then we slowly turned back and continued what we were doing. One day we’ll lock swords…

Now that gas is returning to a better place, I guess it’s safe to let this little girl go. Her family didn’t seem like they were going to pay…. What?! I’m on a very fixed income and it was $4+ a gallon. That’s madness!

Okay, I think we’ve delved into madness (my mind) long enough today. Let’s do this manana (say it Spanish)… shall we?

Laters