November 17th 2004- Wilbur the pig was killed today. Since Charlotte died I have tried to console him… and find nourishment in her corpse. The pig was weak and could barely stand the sight of me picking the meat from her “bones.” He will be missed, until the pulled pork luncheon the farmer has planned tomorrow night. Oh Wilbur, I hope you don’t taste like your Buddhist views, because I’m Methodist.
April 13th 2006- Today I spit on a Hispanic… then I bit his 11-year-old wife.
March 11th 2003- Today I caught the biggest fly I’ve seen in a long time. I was so excited that I couldn’t even eat it right away. For hours I sat and spoke to the creature I would soon consume. His name was Wally. We spoke of his family, he pleaded for his life, we spoke of politics, sports and women. Don’t get me wrong, any chance that Wally got to plea for his life he would come right back to it, but I was moved. I’d always looked at things that land in my webs as food or rape food but never took the time to see how they lived. Wally offered many interesting new point of views and I felt like I could listen to him talk forever… then I drained him because it was 11:47 AM and I grew hungry. His name was Wally…
September 3rd 2005- I saw my best friend get killed while we were walking through a bad area… of the kitchen. Little girl sees us, we see the girl, then she’s screaming and slamming a newspaper up and down. She caught Fred pretty good, poor bastard never even tried to move. Humans are the deadliest creatures known to man yet we get killed while out for a stroll. Even though he was a mook, he deserved better than that.
September 4th 2005- I crept in the kid’s mouth and $#!T all over the place. For you Fred…
July 1st 2008- There are an awful lot of black people outside today.
May 21st 2007- Recently moved toward the upper east side of town. Where the pee stained streets have been sprayed with cologne, hookers know how to whisper and meth heads still say “Good Morning!” Less of the Chinese and a lot more Indians that didn’t fight cowboys out here. I’ll live.
January 1st 2003- I hear a bunch of black guys saying “Happy new year my N!gg@s!” Apparently, that is not cool for me to say without being black. Don’t they know how many Richard Pryor DVDs I’ve purchased? I earned it.
March 24th 2006- Went to an amusement park in one of the boy’s pockets. I found nothing amusing about that place or the horrific rides it houses. I may never feel joy again.
February 20th 2007- Whomever said that “You are what you eat” ate sh!t, cause they were full of it. A fat woman was enjoying a sprinkle doughnut when I bit her. She tasted like a screaming fat woman… no sprinkles or icing.
October 13th 2005- Paris Hilton is attractive; I do not see why the humans think so because she is clearly a spider… hmm.
December 25th 2008- Prayer: “Dear Spider God, please bring everyone that I know and care for, Paris Hilton, remain safe and blessed. Let my enemies have their eyes and testicles taken from them… Jews, and lastly I need one big favor. I know that I don’t work, but how am I ever going to get a job when you let the freakin Hispanics have all of the “miscellaneous” work? Please let them have their own country where they can roam free, like Canada, and let us have this small strip of Alabama for our own. Amen.”
June 30th 2009- Sarah got pregnant, if that cheating scorpion thinks she can dope me into raising someone other spider’s clan she’s got another thing coming… (gun goes off)
Claus’ last will and testament:
I don’t have much to give but I do want to ask that I not be buried around too many blacks. I don’t want God to glance over me while looking for his children because I was standing in the shadow.
April 13th 2006- Today I spit on a Hispanic… then I bit his 11-year-old wife.
March 11th 2003- Today I caught the biggest fly I’ve seen in a long time. I was so excited that I couldn’t even eat it right away. For hours I sat and spoke to the creature I would soon consume. His name was Wally. We spoke of his family, he pleaded for his life, we spoke of politics, sports and women. Don’t get me wrong, any chance that Wally got to plea for his life he would come right back to it, but I was moved. I’d always looked at things that land in my webs as food or rape food but never took the time to see how they lived. Wally offered many interesting new point of views and I felt like I could listen to him talk forever… then I drained him because it was 11:47 AM and I grew hungry. His name was Wally…
September 3rd 2005- I saw my best friend get killed while we were walking through a bad area… of the kitchen. Little girl sees us, we see the girl, then she’s screaming and slamming a newspaper up and down. She caught Fred pretty good, poor bastard never even tried to move. Humans are the deadliest creatures known to man yet we get killed while out for a stroll. Even though he was a mook, he deserved better than that.
September 4th 2005- I crept in the kid’s mouth and $#!T all over the place. For you Fred…
July 1st 2008- There are an awful lot of black people outside today.
May 21st 2007- Recently moved toward the upper east side of town. Where the pee stained streets have been sprayed with cologne, hookers know how to whisper and meth heads still say “Good Morning!” Less of the Chinese and a lot more Indians that didn’t fight cowboys out here. I’ll live.
January 1st 2003- I hear a bunch of black guys saying “Happy new year my N!gg@s!” Apparently, that is not cool for me to say without being black. Don’t they know how many Richard Pryor DVDs I’ve purchased? I earned it.
March 24th 2006- Went to an amusement park in one of the boy’s pockets. I found nothing amusing about that place or the horrific rides it houses. I may never feel joy again.
February 20th 2007- Whomever said that “You are what you eat” ate sh!t, cause they were full of it. A fat woman was enjoying a sprinkle doughnut when I bit her. She tasted like a screaming fat woman… no sprinkles or icing.
October 13th 2005- Paris Hilton is attractive; I do not see why the humans think so because she is clearly a spider… hmm.
December 25th 2008- Prayer: “Dear Spider God, please bring everyone that I know and care for, Paris Hilton, remain safe and blessed. Let my enemies have their eyes and testicles taken from them… Jews, and lastly I need one big favor. I know that I don’t work, but how am I ever going to get a job when you let the freakin Hispanics have all of the “miscellaneous” work? Please let them have their own country where they can roam free, like Canada, and let us have this small strip of Alabama for our own. Amen.”
June 30th 2009- Sarah got pregnant, if that cheating scorpion thinks she can dope me into raising someone other spider’s clan she’s got another thing coming… (gun goes off)
Claus’ last will and testament:
I don’t have much to give but I do want to ask that I not be buried around too many blacks. I don’t want God to glance over me while looking for his children because I was standing in the shadow.
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