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Just as good as a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.

Friday, January 29, 2010

We've made it to another Friday; that calls for sexy party!

Not too much to say today, I'm happy with the week, hope you are too. Let this child's bad day remind us how fortunate we are. Until next time (unless, of course, you are a comic; I'll see you this freakend) I hope you remember to eat vitamins and help and old lady cross the street. Karma baby!

P.S.- Tomorrow will be a day adventure (Nelson and I generally sing our names like Harold & Kumar on these... one guess why) with Nelson, my friend Josh and I. We're going to Surfside 7 in Edgewater, MD to take on the 2 lb burger and claim a t-shirt. Believe that I'll post some pics of the meat fest (haha, that's sounds gay since it'll be three guys... maybe it will be gay) and if I claim victory I'm sure they'll be a pic of me with my head in the toilet or taking a meat siesta (haha, that's gay too). Til' next time...


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Someone didn't flush! And it got away!

Since I'm moving shortly (not away, not yet) here are my favorite apartment memories:

  • Watching Nelson and Kevin randomly break into sword fights in the hallway. Real swords, real men… it’s always fun and games until someone loses a testicle.
  • Discovering a door that leads to nowhere in my room after having lived there for over a year.
  • While cleaning one day there were poo particles all over this rug that was under Max’s cage. I went on the balcony and and shook the rug one good time while talking to Nelson. As soon as the particles hit the wind we heard a man scream like he’d been stabbed. I quickly shut the door and we laughed for the better part of 15 minutes.
  • My Mom came to visit one day while Kevin and I were in the middle of Rock Band. I’m not sure if it’s because we’re black or because she had no idea I was that skilled in something so nerdy, but her face was the look of “I have no son.”
  • Trying to clean “my smoking pipe” I had the brilliant idea of microwaving it to warm things up. I did not consider that “black gold” would come spurting out instantly and the microwave would instantly smoke like an old freight train. Within 15 minutes I was running up and down the hallway trying not to let the fog of “smoke” settle since Kevin’s girlfriend was in his room and I didn’t want to alarm her. In the end, I had to boil that pipe and was an idiot for thinking that would work.
  • Seeing Nelson answer the door for the first time with the full replica of the Final Fantasy VII sword. I think it is spelled Zwyhander, but I don’t care enough to Google that.
  • When I accidentally put a Coke can in the freezer and left for comedy it exploded and covered everything in sticky goodness. I do not believe I was the one who cleaned it.
  • I began putting pieces of nasty that were in the sink (because guys can be gross and let a week go by without doing dishes if there are still ones in the cupboards) in a Vitamin Water bottle. I call it my bottle of nasty and it’s been stewing for almost three years. I don’t own a gun but if you break in and give me time to formulate a plan I might blind you with my skunk bottle. Or at least severely irritate your facial skin.
  • Finally trying Absinthe was a fun night. Maybe it was a couple of nights, who knows, that is a different kind of buzz than I’m used to.
  • Chipotle’s, my love for it has slowly grown over the past couple of years. I think I’m ready for the next step, but she told me it has to be colorless grade-A princess cut. She’s worth every penny.
  • I’m always tickled by the deer my grandfather gave me. Whether in a Santa hat adorned with Christmas tree lights, a big Russian hat or an American Flag bandanna with sunglasses; he’s awesome.
  • I loved that we really haven’t had neighbors since we moved in. Every scream, video game taunt or horribly gay statement was unrecorded which really let us explore our imagination.
  • In relation to that last one here are the top three quotes to come out of the apartment: 3rd place: Stop ruining my birthday, 2nd place: Boo Butta and in 1st place….. Quigibo.

    Well, I must get back to saving… I don’t save anything where I work. I’m gonna finish this Crunch bar though. I will do that. See you comics either tonight or tomorrow (or both, snap!)


Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Hamburger never helped me like this, it's a new car!

Well, let’s start this Boosday (get it, because Tuesdays suck) off with an image that Sean Paul gave me that tickled me all yesterday. Imagine you’re stuck in traffic on I-395 and right when you’re ready to scream from how bananiac our traffic can get you catch a glimpse of beast coming up on the shoulder. It’s a polar bear, just like the kind featured in The Golden Compass, meaning he is decked out in body armor. As he gallops toward your vehicle you notice that somebody is riding this polar bear… Sean Paul Ellis. He’s on the bear’s back and pointing a sword with tears in his eyes. “Where the hell is that maniac going? Why is he riding a bear? And WHY is he traveling faster than me on back of a bear?!” Ah, if I was an artist I would draw that, because that’s good stuff. Moving on to our regularly scheduled fun…

On Saturday a bunch of comedians witnessed some hot white girl knee her boyfriend in the balls outside the Drafthouse. Then he laughingly called him a p***y and told him she would kiss it and make it all better. There is no way he would’ve walked away that easy if he were the one kneeing her ovaries into her jacket pockets. Double standards, gotta love’em.

The Girl Scouts better get out on the streets and start moving that product. If I have to ask one more person about Tagalongs I’m gonna slap somebody. “But Mister, I’m not a girl scout.” (throws the money at the little girl) I don’t care, gimme those cookies, I’m tired of playing with you people. There’s nothing funny about treating a Girl Scout like a prostitute. But if she can’t move all that product I will snitch to her pimp and watch them smack her around. Girl Scout moms don’t play, it’s for a good cause.

After 2 PM I’ll be alone working in my section. I have to say I’m pretty pissed that everyone else found some reason to leave early and I’m the only one going for perfect attendance. Uh oh, I’m almost out of Haterade. That was so corny I hope someone cracked a smile.

Yesterday my supervisor gave me a piece of bread from another country. When she brought it to me I imagine the look on my face was like a child’s when you try to make them eat vegetables. “No, it’s yucky.”

Valentine’s Day is around the corner. I received a slightly dirty e-mail yesterday and it just reminds me how great it is that I don’t have to do $#!T for this phoney holiday. Viva la single life!

24 was purely Mantastic last night! May Jack Bauer drink the blood of his enemies and smoke the terrorism right off their meat for a BBQ. I don’t know what we will do on Mondays when Keifer calls it quits. Do we catch up on our Monday Night Raw?

My favorite part about wearing earbuds all the time is that you can tell I’m not open for conversation. While this does cause you not to hear big breasted women say “hello” in the morning, it also lets me listen to my Weezy in peace. It’s all about snackrifice.

If I were white I’d want my name to be Santa, because he’s my favorite white man. Asian, I’d go with Ling, because that tickles me. And if I were middle eastern I would go with Jesus, because he’s my favorite one.

I hate cheery people in the morning.

When is the last time you ate a marshmallow?

What happened to Big Johnson shirts? Is there some guy who’s whole shirt wardrobe went out of style in an instant back in 99’? I guess the same thing probably happened to the dude that always had the newest Fubu jersey when it came out.

Today I shaved. That is all, I’m just proud I’m a man.

I’m learning that he who finishes his work first is not rewarded. He just gets given more of his team’s work and gets a mention in a meeting. I’m working at a lot more of a medium pace now. Hooray.

That Bruce Willis/ Tracy Morgan movie Cop Out looks terrible. That’s probably because it’s a Kevin Smith movie. It hurts me not to see a Bruce Willis movie, but I’m sure the bored Sunday will come when it comes on HBO.

Got to get back to my medium pace now, I’ll be seeing you.


Thursday, January 21, 2010

Smog candy and the melancholy shoe strings

So far, the theme for this year is festivals. March- May should be very interesting and I haven’t been on a plane since 2001 so I’m very excited. There will be pictures, the revolution will be televised. Since there is considerably less school for me this year I’ve also decided to check out L.A. just to see what the scene is like. I love NY but maybe the west coast will show some skin.

I’ve reached a point of numbness towards everything and everyone at work that the hours here blur on a daily basis. Is this what being married feels like?

Bought Moon on Saturday for MLK weekend, because that’s how he would want me to remember what he stood for. It was fantastic, good science fiction and then they threw in Kevin Spacey. You had me at Spacey…

I’m still writing cleaner jokes and feel good about that. I never knew I was such a dirty minded person until I began scrapping all of my thoughts because of their subject matter. You don’t have to swear to need your mouth cleaned out.

Even though I can honestly say I like some of his music, the artist Plies has a name that will never seem right to me. Flies, there; I said it.

Still haven’t seen Avatar, not because I don’t want to but because I don’t care enough about myself. Goozfraba.

Andre 3000, I believe we have all waited far long enough for a follow up to The Love Below. That is all.

Must run, back for more nonsense tomorrow. SASQUATCH! (I only said that because so many strangers came for a lil Sas’ and damned if they won’t get a smidge)

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Today is about looking back

The most:

Embarrassing moment of my life- Giving a speech in high school to (at the time) the sophomore class, I thought it would be “wacky and witty” to throw my speech away at the beginning and have break dancers do their thing. Well, the sound system gave some trouble and for about three or four minutes I stood there microphone-less and without any clue what to do. I was an inch tall that day.

Frightened I’ve ever been- Sitting in a holding cell needing to make stinky with a room full of shiesty individuals. “Hey man, you coming back with us?” My response: “Oh, no, I hope. I’m supposed to go home but I’m back here for some reason.”

Touching gift I’ve ever received- Curb Your Enthusiasm season 4, I was unemployed, in a terrible relationship and depressed. That was a pick me up that I really needed at that point in my life.

I’ve seen someone bleed- When I saw a fight at a basketball court in 7th grade. This older kid Eric kept getting kicked in the mouth and the blood kept coming. I’ve never seen someone shot or stabbed.

Romantic thing I’ve ever seen- a BJ… does anyone disagree?

Most disgusting thing I’ve ever eaten- Chitterlings this New Year’s Day. I could definitely tell I was eating something’s stomach. “My God, what have I done.”

Beautifulest thing in the world- “Looks just like that, I give it to ya.” – Keith Murray, pre-beating the ever loving sweet $#!T out of a woman

I’ve ever paid because I was lazy- $1900.00, you really have to get oil changes.

I’ve ever laughed at anything- In Jackass: The Movie there was a prank where someone fell through a roof pretending to be a burglar. I don’t normally laugh out loud but when the burglar fell through and a black guy ran, I was in tears and could hardly breath. He didn’t even say anything to his co-workers he just took off and ran down the street. Priceless…

The most I’ve ever resented someone- I love everyone, are you serious?


Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Sasquatch, in space!

Since I have become Google's main authority on Sasquatch (I wish that weren't as true as it is) I'm here with a New Year's Treat. Without further ado: Sasquatch in space.
The door to the living room area opens and all that can be seen is a streak of brown as Sasquatch goes running to his room. He thought he would be alone for longer and there was a marathon of Small Wonder on TV Land. That robot chick is hot… to Sasquatch.

For the Christmas party Sasquatch gave Susan, an officer aboard the spacecraft, a flip book of his naked toe touches. He thought she would be touched. She has since filed a complaint with Human Resources.

Sasquatch is insensitive to the overweight members of the crew. To show them what a good figure truly looks like, he created “Daisy Duke Tuesdays.” The only participant is him, and he shovels ice cream into his face while taunting “the fatties.” His words, not mine.

Sasquatch once made love to a woman whose favorite food was chicken. Because of her infidelity, he refuses to eat most of the prepared food on board. He insists it will turn him into a “clap-having Jezebel.”

Secretly, Sasquatch likes to watch Sex and the City. He also cries every time Carrie and Big break up.

Sasquatch was the one who didn’t flush the toilet on Wednesday. That got blamed on Doug, the black janitor.

Sometimes Sasquatch will stare out into space and just let his mind go blank in it’s beauty. It was then that Doug (the black janitor) came over:
“What’s up Sachy? Oh my God, you’re pissing right in the middle of the living area! I have to clean that $#!T!”

Sasquatch was accused of sexual harassment because of his incessant staring at Carla. He doesn’t find her sexually attractive, he just thinks her eyes are too far apart. Sometimes you can’t stop looking when something is bizarre. Like when Doug’s fly was open and Sasquatch noticed white pubes.

Sasquatch pushed Jim, the only Asian on the space craft, into space because he refused to share some of his Poly-O string cheese. Don’t f with Sasquatch and his cheese.

Sasquatch has not gotten the hang of going to the bathroom in space so he waits for it to happen and calls Doug to come clean it up.

Sasquatch’s Nintendo DS Lite broke almost as soon as they reached space. He stole Janice’s urinated on it to mark his territory. Janice wasn’t fooled by the urine, but due to rumors that Sachy pushed Jim out into space; she kept her mouth shut.

Sachy loves blacksploitation. He just does, BOSS N*GGER.

During the crew’s movie night (Steel Magnolias was playing) Sasquatch intentionally caused an argument amongst everyone so that he could watch the movie like it was supposed to be watched; alone. Next week is Fried Green Tomatoes…

Sasquatch has ordered several items from Amazon.com and the merchant’s did not deliver his Christmas gifts to relatives and friends in time. Only the crew was there to feel his wrath. Plus he gets pretty gassy when he’s upset.

Lastly, Sachy did not grant permission for this investigative (yep, who’s to say I didn’t?) journalism. Currently he has retained legal services and would like to be left out of this blog in the future. The letter I received stating this was written with a poo crayon. I giggled before I called lawyers for consultation. Apparently, I’m in deep $#!T. Haha, he wrote to me with feces. Tee hee…


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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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