The Ghost of Thursday morning

Tell me that ain't the look of an innocent man

Okay so welcome to Thursday. Feels something like a Friday, but with a little less umph! Like settling for the hot girl's friend who is almost as good looking and almost lets you go all the way. Ho Hum; But I digress(I just really wanted to work those words in, could you tell?) let's talk about things that make us smile shall we...

STREET FIGHTER 4-http://media.xbox360.ign.com/media/142/14211549/vids_1.html

SEE THIS TRAILER FOR THE VIDEO GAME!!!!!!

Yesterday I gave some much needed time to an old friend. Some of you may remember An American Tail: Fievel Goes West, if you do, go ahead and take a second to dance in that memory. Mmmmm that's good. I saw it was on and had to take some time and unwind to it, which I hadn't done since I was 8. Good times.

And, I finally caught up with this week's the Boondocks... A Pimp Named Slickback. Need I say more!

Now that they're putting World War III in all of the headlines and news stories(referring to a nuclear Iran), doesn't seem like there is no way to avoid it. As a sensible adult, you know that war is going to happen now because the tension is in the air. I had hoped that I would be dead before the end of the world, so if I put all my apples in the wrong basket, here are the things I believe I need to do prior to death:

- Hug Jake Young (?)

-Call my mother and inform her that I did steal A LOT of her change to buy a PS2 years ago

-Lead a team of non-Hispanic mean to victory against a team of Hispanic men... in soccer

-Return my copy of Transformers. They already play that in Heaven, with sequels. Sequels

-Take $10.15 from Eminem(Marshall Mathers).... I paid for Encore, I don't know about you

-Learn to play the Harmonica from Eli, then kill him... there can be ONLY ONE!(lightning strikes)

-Cha Cha Slide

-Cha Cha again

-Stand in line with every black comic that I respect in this city, and have Schlegel hose us for a picture... that's just funny to me.

-Apologize to Malcolm X in the afterlife for that last comment

-Taste the Rainbow

-Tell my ex I still love her

-Shower at someone else's place

-Run a mile while pooing

-Smack a boy my little sister likes(last chance to be a protective big brother)

and lastly,

-Hook up with the Devil and challenge that bastard to Guitar Hero II, "Let's see you top 96% of Freebird on Expert!" And, you KNOW that Mutha is goin' down. As Mike Way is my witness. I had to throw him in there, he's one of the only people reading this dribble. Word to mutha Mike, I wouldn't have him any other Way.

Let me go work, and drink Cherry Coke(my crack addiction). I'll get back with ya'll tomorrow. Laters....

"And the winner is Hampton"

Since most months of the year you have to wait to get back to an open mic, I thought I'd just let everyone who wasn't there last night(who wasn't there though) know exactly how it ended. I can't recall feeling happier for someone else. I don't want to leave any names out, cause I forgot most of the people's names I just met, but it was a good show all around and I had some slammin' chili. I guess I should say good luck to the Fowlest next month... but I hate him.

I got this new thing I'm tryin' out and it seems to be working; when a hot woman comes by, and it doesn't matter if they have a boyfriend, just stick a high five out there. They can't resist, and I know, "Who high fives anymore?" hot women that's who. It's great and could lead to future "talent"... time will tell on that one.

Senator Craig's interview with Matt Lauer was very similar to his situation with the bathroom. Because I find both hilarious, and I don't think he's guilty of this whole "gay" conspiracy. Sounds like a victim of circumstance if you ask me. Let's just imagine that he's not gay. He's in a bathroom, sees toilet paper on his shoe(he has a wide squat about him, very important), grabs it, and when he does so some cop next to him sees his palm and says that it "Go time". And, here we are, now there are some minor details that I can neither confirm nor deny. Such as whether or not he flushed, cause if he didn't and there was no "poo" then clearly he was in there to get him some. And, I hear tale of tapping his foot, which is yet another of the steps that lead to bathroom slammin'. I'm standing by my man, just like with THE JUICE.

I just got the tape of my Improv showcase in February and I feel a little stupid. I spent all this time, lil' bitter about not winning, and now I see why I didn't. Time is funny, which two of the bits at the end of my set were not.

I have got to find new common ground with my boss, I told him I was a Giants fan and now I'm stuck. That was not a lie, I just don't watch football that much so everyday I only have the most generic things to say. It's kinda like when the girl at the strip club tells you that she's new there and going back to school. You know that's a lie, and there is a brief pause between the two of you in acknowledgement, but then you both continue cause you don't really care. But, we have team building exercise and I plan on impressing him and seeing what else he's into. Here is my game plan:
Boss: You ready for the game on Sunday?
Me: My father was never around... do you like Guitar Hero? Cause I'm actually pretty beastly in that game and if you saw my skills then-
Boss: What?!
Just an example how well I communicate when I feel the need to impress, but one way or another I will convince him that I have the Midas touch. Especially when it comes to Domino.

I haven't been home too much lately but if someone has the new Radiohead album(I posted the link to it a few days ago) tell me how that is. I've read bad things from reviewers and good things from the fans.

The longer it takes for me to get my hair cut, the more I fear that I look like this guy Charlie that I work with. Charlie is a sweet guy, but has many problems. For starters Charlie is recently married, but his wife had two kids and then they had one. That's 3 for those counting and oh, Charlie is 24! It is the children that blame for his appearance most day and I also excuse him for them because that's a lot of %$^($@# kids man. He doesn't even shave and he's got the same patch coming in on his chin that I would if I never wanted to hook up.... ever. I can tell that he thinks it's cool cause he's always playing with it. And, he acts like a mixture of Bernie Mac and Bill Cosby.... not a good mix. But, someone told him it works, and he found a woman(with 2 kids) who'll love him. My point is I don't ever want to be Charlie. But, I don't mind being around him all day. Oh Charlie

Apparently, no one wakes up with the time to drop deuce. I felt the chili kickin' this morning and had to make it work so it was one of the few time to make that thing happen at work. When I got in the bathroom I discovered that it's pretty popular at 8:15 am to do. It was packed and there were people from that side of the floor(cause I don't go near where I sit) that were standing in front of the stalls waiting. I finally got up and it was uncomfortable. Naturally I squeezed in a giggle cause of the Senator Craig thing, I thought how funny it would be to tap a foot and show my palm. But, then I got to business. This was the first time ever where people were clearly looking in the stalls to check on your progress and there was no messing around. You got about 2 minutes before the peep, and then they come every 15 seconds. Took me about 4.27 minutes. I got through at least 1 Lupe Fiasco song, I need my iPod... especially if the only other option are the grunts of grown men who eat HUNGRY MAN.

I think work beckons so I must return to the slave helms... laters

Don't buy females drinks at the bar....

It's a waste of money, either they will "creep" or they won't. Spending money has nothing to do with it. With that said, I deployed a little bit of Slick Rick's lyrics this weekend... treat em' like a prostitute.

I have entered the world of Halo 3. Now I've never really thought much of people who start to complain about getting sick or dizzy from video games but yesterday I found out the hard way. It was like someone put my head in a vice grip. When I finally got up and left the game alone, the veins in my temples looked like I just got done bench pressing with my face. I felt like I might cry and remembered the words of Bishop Magic Don Juan "N#gga Please!" It helped, then I made yesterday a very short Sunday by starting my coma at exactly 7 pm.

What is up with friends that get girlfriends and completely put them in front of every other decision due to "Vagin". How dare you... though I speak of my friend Kevin, I see this come true for so many young men in this generation of promiscuity. If they don't constantly blow you off for said "giney" then they bring this person everywhere they go. Situation:

Guy: Hey we're gonna road trip to Wrestlemania(why not? It's a guy thing)

Whipped Guy: Awesome, let me tell Laura!

G: What?!

WG: What, you don't like her?

G: It's not that, I just.... didn't know she like wrestling.

WG: Ah, she's gonna love it.

G: You guys aren't gonna argue the whole time are you? Cause it makes me pretty soft when you guys do that.

WG: Nah, it'll be cool. WRESTLEMANIA!!

(About here is where the first guy should say)

G: Hey never mind man.

WG: What are you talking about? Stop overreacting man.

G: Bros before H-

WG: Stop there man, fine I won't bring her.

G: Sweet, was that so hard? Hey _..

WG: Yeah man.

G: I love you.

WG: Love you too.

(that's just the way any conversation should end)

And they lived happily ever after.

Grind everyone...grind!

Last night was very cool, Keith was great and got things kicked off. The Fowlest came through and rocked that mutha next and might I say with the energy of 10 year old with a full can of Full Throttle in him(he was high energy for those that haven't had the drink). McBride was too cool and spoke with suck "laidbackidness" I hardly realized he'd taken my wallet. And, I didn't walk everybody out of the room so all-in-all, it was a fun time. If only I hadn't told everyone one to get the wrong form, we'd have been paid then instead of through the mail. I'll get it right next time.

How could I have forgotten about The Boondocks coming back on the air finally in my last blog. If you didn't see it I'm sure there will be ample opportunities to catch it and the other new episodes of their second season. Oh Uncle Ruckus, how do you do it? You made me fall in love with you even though you hate me...

Where the hell is 24? Soon my children. Although, in horrible news, Keifer Sutherland will have to serve a little jail sentence while the show takes a break in filming in November. I could care less about Keifer, but why are they giving Jack Bauer a break from filming?! Stay focused, there are people jonesing all across America for our fix and you need a break to what? Be with family and stuff? Come on...

If you ever want to know anything about anything, I suggest you give this website a try http://www.ign.com/ (movie news,video games, electronics, news, music, you get it?)

Women can be cruel. What? That's a fact.

Apparently, Johnny Gill's "My My My" is longer a top hit in Korea. I only mention this because the views per day requesting that song have dropped. Come back, I miss you... unless you live in North Korea. You can stay away. And why would you monsters in the North love the smooth 80's sound of Johnny Gill?

Does anyone know someone who bought 50 Cent's record? Me neither.

Radiohead has a website up where you can pay whatever you want for their new album. Yes, you can pay nothing if you want and get it completely for free. If you love them as much as I do then go find the website on your own... nah, I wouldn't do that to you. Here:

Radiohead.com

Was that predictable or what?

Alright, I'm supposed to be working so take this little poem and live your day in joy like the Mighty Zeus commands:

Madness

(For Sara Teasdale) The lonely farm, the crowded street,The palace and the slum,Give welcome to my silent feet.

As, bearing gifts, I come. Last night a beggar crouched alone,A ragged helpless thing;I set him on a moonbeam throne --Today he is a king. Last night a king in orb and crown

Held court with splendid cheer;Today he tears his purple gown.

And moans and shrieks in fear. Not iron bars, nor flashing spears,Not land, nor sky, nor sea,Nor love's artillery of tears

Can keep mine own from me. Serene, unchanging, ever fair,I smile with secret mirth

And in a net of mine own hair

I swing the captive earth.

Laters...

"That's not funny."

I don't think it's fair that I left you for days without the awkward nuances that we now can refer to as TRichisms. It just seems wrong to me, so for the 3 of you here we go..

Though I pretty much live like a couch potato/Internet surfer nerd while I work, I received my productivity report yesterday and I am 110% as far as my section goes. My only response as my supervisor proudly congratulated me; "I am very pleased with myself"(now imagine it said as though some @sshole felt he could do better). Ah, good times.

Wendy's now puts a standee in the line while you wait where you can stick your head through and look like you have a wig on... genius. I don't care how many times I see it, I still giggle a little bit when someone sticks their head through. The only thing funnier would be if someone met the eager lad with a punch from Jesus right as he giggled at his handy work. Ah, violence.

As I shared with Tyler S. today, I'm a little disturbed that I find this story so funny...

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/B/BOYS_FOUND_DEVLIN?SITE=VAWOO&SECTION=US

It's mainly the events of him taking the kid back to end it all, and what conclusion mercy led him to.... I hope you get what I'm saying. I never claimed to be mature.

So, tonight there is a show at Marymount University. That would be Jermaine "The Fowlest" Fowler, Keith (the comedian, I'm not sure if it's just Keith now. I think I like (just) Keith more.), John McBride(no nickname I'm aware of.... but does he need one?), and me. It's gonna be a lot of fun, and who wants to miss fun. And there were plenty of fine young women for everyone!

I've decided it's time to man up and start an open mic. More on that to come, but believe if I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna try to follow good examples like Rendezvous, Soho, etc....

Anyone that is just happy with life and more importantly, their life, go ahead and smile for a minute. We never reflect on how sweet this whole thing is til' it's too late. Now, if only it weren't so damn hot on my floor! Laters.

What?

What is the point of worrying?
Why bother. In the end it will be what it is and there is no getting around that.

What it point of paper money?
We just keep playing hot potato with it and in the end someone picked their booty and gave you money. Now you have booty fingers... UGH!

Why was God cruel twisted enough to make some folks(blacks mostly) lactose intolerant?
Ice Cream tastes like he dipped his finger in every spoonful... like heaven.

What is the point of letting me see pictures of the Joker when I can't see The Dark Knight until June of 2008?
I can't sleep, I can't eat... what do you want me to do Warner Bros.?! I have bills to pay. I can't just pick and leave it all behind to move to Chicago and watch you film. I want to but.... you know what; let's just move forward. Ahem.

Why can't I ever find a place to park in Adams Morgan that doesn't involve me going to the ATM machine for almost $20?
The man who charges the least to let you park there is never there to take your money and verify that it's your vehicle. Just don't smell right...

Why is Jermaine Fowler the "Fowlest N@gga on the Planet"?
Have you ever seen him dance? No further statement on that question

Why don't people get to vote on what is and is not illegal?
I think we'd have quite a shock and the cops could go harass the killers and pedophiles.

Why are their always two horrible colors for everything?
How many people are really paying for a LIME GREEN iPod? Ugh!

Why is it okay to discuss what old people do when no one can see them?
All this talk of Viagra and things, I just want to think of my grandma as a saint, okay?

What are Thursdays good for if not to reflect on the many questions the spring up during the day? Oh wait, they're good for Twister... Laters

Wedding Bells...

This is what black children are being taught in school? Oh, Malcolm X "Help us".

If anyone saw that and actually assumed that I'm getting married "You should slap yourself!" But, I did go to a wedding. It was very cool since this is the first one I've ever been to. And, I was a groomsman which meant nothing more than standing for the whole wedding and sitting at a table completely away from everyone during the reception. Though, I was looking fine with my tux going on.... stag is a lonely horse to ride. Would've been nice to have a companion then, but then I'd have to worry about "When are we gonna get married?" and that is talk I don't ever want to hear.


Went to Marymount University on Weds., and got some feedback from the man who signs the checks. Apparently, when I'm clean I have a look or tone about me that says "I'm holding back cause I really want to swear right now". I think that might be running through my mind, but I don't think it's that I only find fowl things humorous, but I do think that a lot of the things that are funnier to me are involved in adult situations. But, I guess I'll have to work on that. I consider myself hard as stone when it comes to criticism, but that one kind knocked the pride off my face for a 10 min. period.


TYLER Vs. TYLER


November 10th 2007


@ the Comedy Spot


Recognize HO





Could it be possible that I'll kill him there? Yep. Will the cops be close by? Yep. Will The Fowlest and Anupama be there? Yep, next question. Singing? Check. Skits? Check. "Just Go".





Do you have health insurance Tyler? Yes I do. I just enjoy asking myself questions and answering them. I'm done with that now. If you're a female who has a boyfriend and is still willing to get to know someone that you know only wants to sleep with you, you're a whore. Could be worse, like a killer, but you need to accept that simple fact. I played HALO 3 before paying for it and now I don't want it. But, since everyone and their grandmother has it, I must give in to this worldwide peer pressure. Gotta work but laters...

"A lot more hookers in Atlantic City than I thought..."

So, my office just had a major program go down for a while and I figured it the perfect time to catch the four of you up with my weekend. So without further ado....

The trip started with me getting ripped off at Nextcar rental. Horrible rental car place. Then we hit the road. I was under the impression that AC would only be about 3 hours from where we lived but I WAS WRONG. Six hours of jamming to random songs on my iPod and smelling the farts of my life-long friends, and we arrived. It was my friend Josh's bachelor party and getting strange was my primary objective. The events that took place did not result in success. We pulled close to the Casino that we had our suite at, but to our dismay the person behind the wheel did not know where to park. As he circled I had to go to the bathroom so bad I could taste it. We we finally did check in we made our way to the casino portion of the hotel. About now-ish is where the quote from the headline came into play. I noticed a man actually get turned down by a prostitute. I can only imagine he was found a day later hanging from his closet. Poor poor man.... moving on. When we switched over to Caesar's Palace, we got verbally molested by a group of about 5 plain clothed prostitutes. It's sad when your a hooker that's not even in uniform. At first I thought they were just really unattractive girls, then some of their questions steered me to the unfortunate truth. "Ya'll getting ready to party like a ROCKSTAR?" What do you say to that? We said "nope", but they didn't just go away. Then Josh tells them that we're from Virginny and they assume that we're big spenders here to gamble and pay for sex. How wrong they were. I noticed that my friend Mike and Nelson were getting ahead and basically leaving us to talk to the unattractive pros' and so I said "They guys up there are pretty shy but the one on the left's name is Nelson and the other is Michael. Help them out ladies." Revenge is dish that ain't bad served luke warm. After they shook the hookers and found us it was onto gambling. Somehow my friend Kevin was under the impression that there was a 3 am last call. So we all shoved free drink after free drink down the hatch. Come 3 am we were shocked to find out he was wrong and now everyone but me(cause I drink like that everyday) was so hammered we had to run to McDonald's to keep them from throwing up. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. The slots treated me great, Blackjack... not so much. I played one hand and decided I don't like losing my money that way. We jumped from casino to casino and when we arrived at one a Spanish man said to us "My what a fine night to be such a fine young man!" I didn't hear him say that so as he approached us I stood there while everyone kept it moving into the casino. I suppose I was looking for a fight but that's not what was in the cards. He walked up to me and with a tear tattooed on his cheek(D-Block) he said to me "You lookin' real fine tonight. Why don't we...." that was wear I bolted to my posse. Propositioned by a man, does it get any worse. By day one I was up(winning) and life was lookin' pretty sweet. I lost all the winnings in day two. Didn't lose money, but all my glorious winnings went right back into the machines and hands of dealers that they came from. I did see a man that literally had hands growing from his armpits and he was in a wheelchair in the middle of the hot hot sun. I wondered if that was the best place to be if you're a man that can't wipe the sweat from your face. I couldn't take a picture because my friends and the laughter wouldn't allow it. Mostly my friends though. I will add some pictures to this when I get home though. And, then of course there was Nelson, Mike and I placing bets as one person at Roulette tables for about 3 hours before we left cause we were cheap and refused to visit the ATM. Well folks it was a weekend. This weekend.... my first wedding. Laters...

All you need is "luv"... right?

Before I forget, let me share a scary story with you. Yesterday, as I sit on the toilet(preparing to drop)I looked at my finger and saw the most amazing yet really horrible thing. A little bug. It was almost transparent and so tiny it was like watching a baby termite or something. Here is the troubling part though... I think it's in me. It ran out from in between my finger nail and the skin above it... ran the length of the nail, then went up under another side of the skin. It was so awful all I could do was stare at my hand and going "What the hell was that?!" That's a Wednesday I guess. Don't worry, if I encounter that dreaded bug again I'll be sure to let you know.
And now, drink from the fountain of knowledge...
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20844553/

"Yeah, it is a beautiful day... wait I'm gonna poop."

Don't wonder, that quote was a treat that I received courtesy of my friend Charlie earlier this morning. Bless his horrible soul. The last several days served up a lot of potential stress. But, the big G was looking out for me. Respect.

Let us go back to Saturday. I, a young man with buttocks of a God, am making my way home from a lovely little town call "Alexandria". As I sped home at a brisk 90 mph, I couldn't help but notice that my accelerator wasn't functioning anymore. I pulled over....think...thin..got it. I call McNelson and inform he and Kevin that their negro is quite a jam and could use a couple of chaps to come and help me hump this bad situation into submission. They showed up about a half hour later. We ride... home. I wake up, being a procrastinatory(I do believe I just made up a mantastic word just there) chap I did not call to get the car towed from I-95 immediately. That's where I F%cked up. Upon speaking to the towing company I'm informed that there is a good chance that my car has been impounded already.... like modern day Gypsies they read my fortune. So, the police were very polite in getting me to the people that now had my vehicle... asses. And, wouldn't you know that when I called they had just gotten my car. If only I hadn't lied in bed for a hour before getting up on Sunday. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday....ah(wasn't I telling a story?! Better get back to it then) So, I find out that it will be a couple hundred bucks for the impounding (AHHH) and then it needs to be towed( Jeez) and then someone gets to tell me what's wrong.... my worst fears were confirmed. The Korean men that I spoke to put it very simply in their "fresh off the boat way" ahem---"Your car not get OIL for long time. adsfd dsadsa ENGINE dadff gaggad." There is a word in that second sentence that should stick out like a sore thumb. Then we get a night of waiting to hear what magical number he pulls from a hat to fix the car. I'm horribly cheap, so waitin on this call is like waitin to get home while at work suckin' back a "No. 2". Finally, the number..... I don't need to tell you that I wasn't excited to hear it. But, let's focus on the positives here...... yep, there are none. But, you'd never know about trouble if you were looking me in the eye cause I was a rock. I just don't shake or tremble.

Bachelor Party this weekend. Should be fun, and yeah STRANGE. Although, and it's gonna sound pretty gay, I don't have the energy to chase these females. I think people get all types of productive things done when they pretend like the other sex doesn't exist. Like today for example: I'm going commando but due to the fact that I'm working and walking flirting, I don't have to worry about a chubby friend of ours creating any awkward situations. Cause all it takes is a good perfume and your pal( and mine) is ready to meet everyone and get a good smell of'um.

Even though I know that my job is looking at our emails, I still keep opening emails from people that I know will curse while I'm at work. I must stop this, but the words OPEN THIS OFF THE CLOCK are never in the subject line, so I get dooped everytime.

Laters

What a couple of days...huh?

Not even gonna touch this, but Mike Blejer won the Improv showcase.... congrats. Will I'm sorry man.

Went to Baltimore last night for the Funniest competition and didn't place. Not crushed though, I guess I'm getting used to not winning competitions. But, like any arrogant jerk I refuse to believe it's cause I'm not funny. Interestingly enough though, I did get caught in a cloud of crap. There was a corner next to the door that I immediately noticed "wreaked". The way that people smell if they spent a whole night sweating and it smells very acidic. I began to sniff around and try to figure out if it was someone near me or if it was indeed me. There were a lot fo fine women there so I did everything I could not to lift the arm and sniff the pit. I even had my head in the trash at one point. Still couldn't pinpoint it though. A waitress came up and was throwing something away when I couldn't help but notice her staring at me. I know what she was thinking and for once I don't think she liked me. I think she blamed me for the funk. Come the end of the night, I began to wonder if standing in the stink cloud could actually overpower the Dolce & Gabbana cologne I had on and make me genuinely stink?! But, I had no choice. So, I stank. To whoever left that cloud.... I hate you a little.

Tyler vs. Tyler will happen this year so wait for my command. Then do. Then do.

Females.....HAHA. The past couple of weeks have been nuts, but it's always when you start to feel like a pimp that God sends the biggest pimp slap of all. He keeps it strong. So I like to think I'm getting mine semi-strong.

Kanye's Album is bananas!! And it's only right that he's outselling 50 Cent. The only thing that would feel better is if it were Lupe Fiasco instead of Kanye. It's about time that lyrics meant something to most people. The day of Nelly is DEAD. Favorite track on the album(the only thing that feels like a rip-off is that there are "13" TRACKS, that's for R&B singers. NOT RAPPERS) has got to be Everything I am. " never could see why people'll reach a Fake-ass facad they couldn't keep up Y'see how I creeped up? Y'see how I played a big role in Chicago like Queen Latifah? I never rock a mink coat in the winter time like Killa Cam Or rock some mink boots in the summertime like will.i.am Let me know if you feel it man Cause everything I'm not, made me everything I am." Just got get the album.

Next weekend is my first bachelor party so.... we'll see what type of strange I can get into. I don't care if it's 85-years-old, just let it be strange Lord.

Fowlest I see you man, I still hate you.

Alright, that's enough random thought for today.... and in case you didn't notice I'm tryin' to blog like I used to. Laters...

American Beauty

Just a little quote that I think is good for reflecting on any day.... but on a rainy day like this maybe it will sink in more.

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad,
when there's so much beauty in the world.
Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once,
and it's too much,
my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...
...and then I remember to relax,
and stop trying to hold on to it,
and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life...
(amused)
You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry...
You will someday.

Sippin' Pink Lemonade

The blog is titled that because I am. Now you know that. You might have noticed the handsome young man that is to the right--->
"How are we supposed to wait?"
Maybe if I just jump off of something and land wrong(a.k.a. correct) then I will jar something in my head and spend some quality time in a coma that I can awake from just in time. Priorities people, priorities. I'm watching the 40-year-old Virgin at work and noticed something. Though I remember seeing a breast or two, there are a lot of them and it makes watching that a little weird when my supervisor could randomly come to the cuby and ask me a question. It would only be awkward since she's an innocent older Caucasoid. But the good kind though, I seriously doubt she would own slaves a couple hundred years ago.

What else is new? I had a rather interesting night a week or so ago with a Spanish friend. I went to said Spanish's home under the impression that I would be making an "impression"... how wrong I was. Spanish had just moved and I believe that a part of the date was supposed to be me going to work on helping. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not "that" guy and now she knows. So, she asks me to bring BOOZE, and another good friend that I will not name at work(wink). To me that spells "impression" time. I bring a movie, The Big Lebowski, seemed like a good choice at the time but in retrospect there were some other choices that would have been better. Everything is cool til' I lose patience, it's time to make this move....
Me: Did you wanna lay out?
Her: Okay.
M: (stretches out on sofa)
H: (lays opposite)
M: Oh, I meant this way(meaning along my body..duh)
H: (Lays and pauses) I'm not comfortable.
M: Okay well you should be comfortable...
The next oh... 25 minutes I was really exhausted from a long day and the thought of not closing said deal was enough to drop me like a bag of sand. When I woke up, she was laughing and the movie was over. Snores were mentioned and made nicey-nice and did the whole call me thing. I was pretty aggravated that I drove all that way for that, brought my friend, and she's not comfortable. About 4 days later it would come to my attention that when she mentioned comfort she spoke of the position and not the situation. Oh what a fool I am. Or on the positive side, maybe she's got the clap and God was given the ol' block of justice.
Tuesday: Kayne's album drops!!
Wednesday: I don't know
Thursday: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Friday: Pay-day.... always nice.

Before we say our "laters" let this picture ease your nightmares. I bring you..... the best marriage proposal ever.
http://www.dvdenlared.com/data/docs/20070728020952/darkknight-1.jpg

Laters everybody

I just found out that next Monday is a holiday!

It's great when the holidays that don't actually mean anything sneak up on you. I can only imagine if they start declaring something like Flag Day a federal holiday. Ah, how sweet that would be. Labor day.... get serious, but like any breathing black male I will take this holiday to reflect and hopefully the good Lord will giveth some "strange" unto me. Three day weekend...

Allow us to move on to events of late. We had a really comfortable show at Riot Act on Thursday, I don't know how Sampson does it, but he rarely disappoints. Friday I beat my friend Charlie Rutherford in Madden on the Wii. I don't own a Wii and it was pretty difficult to get used to, but in the end "I love a good comeback story!" is all that rang through the halls of Richardson. I was winning by one point and then with 2 sec. I pull of a beautiful pass that earned me the opportunity to say "He could, Go, All, the, WAY!!" Good times(sigh). Saturday... Sat... I guess I'm drawing a blank(I think you might be able to imagine why, if not you don't know me)... Sunday was kind of a bad day. Let's roll through the list:
1) had to drive up to Springfield to get the Fowlest.
2) got ticket for expired tags, which really caught me off guard. Plus, I was drunk and the cop was very close to my face.
3) was running late to Springfield, so was the Fowlest.
4) wait at Springfield for 15 mins., the the Fowlest calls and explains something is wrong with a train so now I'm flying solo....I still love you Fowlest.
5) This probably should be #1, but I didn't want to get gas cause I'm cheap so the whole time I'm watching for the gas light to come on while I drive to Richmond.
6) I get lost on the way, as I always do.
7) Ray says there might not be a show but he'll pay me anyway.
8) there is a show and it went really well...this is the only good thing about the whole day.
9) Halfway home I realize that I attempted to start a tab and left my card back at the bar, now I have to call and cancel that card and wait for another to come in the mail.
10) Arrived at home and discovered my roomies had eaten my pizza... bastards.
Well, that was my yesterday. Could have been worse but since I was there for all of it, it seemed to suck through my eyes.

But, I'm not going to end the blog whining, just needed to vent for a minute. So here is a gift from me to all the lovely reader who give me 30-34 sec. of their time everyday:

I CAN DREAM

By Annabelle Aeng

there's no fairy godmother

to make my wish come true.

no genie in a bottle to bring me to you.

no prayer on a fallen star

no magic potion in a jar.

but i can dream and when i do.

i dream that i'm there with you

Hey Kids!!!

Well clearly it's been a little longer than I remembered since I've blogged and junk. Where do we begin...

Saw Superbad and I must say that it's all good. I didn't expect much but didn't want to see anything else and then... magicism. And, yeah I made that up. I also bought Bioshock for the XBOX 360, need I tell you that it's the cat's pajamas(with a dead serious face).

At the Lizard last Saturday(I'm gonna make this quick) McBride caught me droppin' the deuce. I think that's all that really needs to be said. It's clearly still on my mind.

I've become quite addicted to S'mores lately. Is it the chocolate? Is it the marshmallow? The other question shall be riddled inconspicuously somewhere before the end of the blog for my own amusement.

I made a girl cry at work, and would love some feedback on this if you think I was wrong. Somehow the subject of dating came up at lunch and I eventually let it be known that I can't be with someone that is heftier than I'm comfortable with. She(being not slim) takes this as "well you really didn't love her then." To this we went back and forth and eventually she burst into tears(very awkward for me) and walked away. Slightly before Niagara Falls, I was using the point that if she were to say "I could never date a black man" it would just be something that you weren't into and couldn't deal with. But, maybe I was the bad guy for even having that conversation in the presence of a BIGGUN.

Got my green..."You know what it is" and if you don't you're a great law abiding citizen.

Today I finished my work with about 3 hours left in the day so now I'm at a point where I just get to be creepy and walk around talking to folks while they attempt to finish what they were doing. By the way, I just realized that my recording of my singing "God must have spent a little more time on you" is on my iPod cause it just started playing. "Is it the Graham Cracker?"Sing it TRich, SING IT!

DMX has a greatest hits album.... now go harm three people that are only casual acquaintances. When asked "why?" tell them "Cause I'm a Ruff Ryder!"

Happy Thursday and I think I'll end with this thought. Look at the dog at the top of the page(waiting) now whenever your upset remember that dog was unable to kill itself. God has such a sense of humor. And, yes, the ugliest dog in the world is dead now. Laters....

It's Always Sunny in Virginia?!

The recent heat wave has left me with a permanent case of swamp-gina.... you know exactly what I'm talking about too.

Daniel Johns is something like a pimp.(feel free to e-mail me for details on that one cause it's juicy)

Saw the Bourne Ultimatum, it was the juiciest steak I've ever tasted. Go to the bathroom before the movie starts. Not cause of how long it is, and yeah it was a three hour tour, but cause if you miss a piece you'll miss out on the best karate lesson ever. Side note: after action movies like that, I find myself in that mode of "I could beat somebody down like that" until I bump into someone and realize that a fight can get a lot more physical than I was giving it credit for. I quickly turn back into my old self.

I case you aren't aware, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia will be returning to programming next month. By far the funniest sitcom that is on television and you should fall in love with Charlie Day if you have a soul.

The Lizard was very fun on Sat. night. There was Poon, Tim Miller Lite, Kojeezy, McBride in da house, Daniel Toke Johns, Herbs, and much more. I always have fun there. Weds. night was something, I'll just say that if you decide to go to the Ecstasy lounge "You better bring the audience with you" cause otherwise your in for some hard stares. That was set-up by the Fowlest...I still hate you.

Women....

I saw Garden State last night, which is yet another movie on the list of things I teased a friend about and later had to eat my words. Damn you Zach Braff. His humor knows no bounds.

Lastly(and this is old but most people haven't seen this yet), here is a link to check out what Heath Ledger as "The Joker"...enjoy. Laters

http://media.movies.ign.com/media/752/752133/img_4561410.html

What makes a week magical?

Is it rocking out with 5 stars on Guitar Hero 2...Jermaine Fowler would say no, but that's what haters do.
Is it my swag? That's just for those of you that purchased(or stole...but the code of thieves says not to steal from Tha King or Coldplay) T.I. vs. T.I.P.
Is it receiving a text message saying there your good buddy Kevin just took a gamble in front of Nelson and lost. For those that don't know what that means picture the last fart that you thought might turn into something more. Hopefully you weren't going commando in shorts like him.
Could this instant swamp-ass weather be a key?
Is it finding out that you won't be charged for your new BlackBerry until next month's bill, right before you get ready to shell out all the money?
Seeing Transformers? It really doesn't matter how many times cause that movie tastes like a cloud.
Is it hearing John McBride's voice? .... I really don't know how that made it there...maybe I'm not as straight as I always hoped...
Is it looking on DCStandup.com and seeing that your name falls right before Tom Myers? Seriously, what is that about? Love you Tom.
Maybe it's ordering your favorite meal and dancing in front of the waiter until they comp it.
It could be lying to my mother about having plans so I can squeeze in another several hours of Guitar Hero 2...Love you Momala
Falling in love. Had to put that one.
BJ...comes right after falling in love
Smiling with co-workers that frighten you cause they put mayo on everything
Maybe it's hearing Charlie from a few cubicles down give great detail every time that he's going to the bathroom.
Whatever it is that makes a week magical, I hope that we all take a few moments to reflect on it. I'm 24 now and man am I feeling old. Yet, at the same time I feel like a 75-year-old man who got died and got sentenced to do this whole thing over again. Ug... By the way The Number 23 came out today. Cop that shiggity, then go get Zodiac and throw them on your iPod so you can watch em while you work tomorrow like me. Laters....

TMI

So, tonight at 9 on XM channel 169, let's just hope that I can operate in the awkward silence of radio. I'm pretty familiar with that anyway so let's see if I can have a ball with it.

Completely unrelated, let me get a soul clap for my n@gga Nelson a.k.a. McNelson, that guy is officially an old man today and couldn't look better.... for 24 that is.

Work is a blast, my section is having a party today a little before I get off and YEAH!, there will be bracelets and OPEN BAR... YES!!! I love this place.

I've found a way to watch It's always sunny in Philadelphia and still get my work done. It's really not that big of a secret, but watching it while I work makes the day go by so much quicker. If you haven't seen it, just take two dollars and try one episode from season 2 on iTunes.

Spent this week trying to get Guitar Hero 2 out of my system. I discovered it with help from my Nelson on Sunday, and that was it... I'm in love. It was all I thought about all week, and it never gets old to me. But, like any love, I gotta play it cool and hope that she will be glad to see me whenever I can make time for her. Why are women so complicated? (sigh)

I hope that we're all having a sexy July, I went by the Hyatt and the Lizard last Sat. and must say that it was refreshing. I got to see a bunch of people I've never seen before at the Hyatt, then I got to see Mumma get up there and do what he does... make me salivate, cause that's good stuff. The lizard is full of people that I've seen before and I always enjoys stopping by that place. Very nicely done Tyler S., but you already know that.

Does it make anyone else laugh that Chris Benoit killed his son with his signature move? I can only reason that he didn't know to let go cause the referee wasn't there to ring the bell. Just MY theory...

Well, let's get back to working and stuff...and by the way Fowlest... I hate you.
Laters...

Wow, has it really been that long since we've danced

I guess so. Let me just start out by saying "F*** Jermaine", just had to keep that whole thing going. If you haven't seen TRANSmuthaf*******FORMERS you should take a meat cleaver and just start hitting yourself. That movie made me laugh til' I cried in one particular part. That would be when a fat man jumps through a plate glass window when he hadn't even done anything wrong, just to avoid the police. Good times, good times. T.I. vs T.I.P. just came out and folks let me just say that it was scrumptious, all the way from its head to it's Gator wearing toes. Drink it in.
Last Saturday(cause I have weekends now) I went with the sweetest ol' lady ever(Grandma) to "CHARLES TOWN, RACES AND SLOTS" if you didn't just sing that you have no soul. I got all gussied up only to find out that there were no women to impress. Instead, there were married people, fat women, spanishes, fat spanishes, and fat married spanishes....need I say that there were more spanishes than you can shake a fist at? I felt like yelling like Gary Oldman in Leon:the professional "Everyone!" the question being "who is spanish?" I had a great time and told myself that I would only lose a certain amount of money. The good news it that when I got ready to leave I won like it was rigged and only lost half of what I was prepared to lose. We calls that good karma. Spanishes
I'm excited about my new bits..... just thought I'd lob that on out there and see what that does for ya.

Spanishes

For some reason I continue to go commando even though I salute round the clock.... awkward at work. If you didn't get that sentence, read it again and see what your heart tells you.
It seems like a lot of comics around here are getting on t.v., so I decided to pick someone and stab them. Look for me on all of your local news channel yelling "Ba Ba Booey!"
Jose, come back to work, there are so many women and I desperately need a wingman. Sorry, you all had to read that but since he's in Cali, this is my way to communicate with him. But, Jose, I was dead serious about the wingman thing....he knows. You could also tell me if the Spanish that work on my floor is into me. Me thinks no.
I used to use the word Negro. Then I would get tickled to say Negroseph(like Joseph), but now it has morphed into Negrosephine. No one ever know what I said so it gets absolutely no attention paid to it. Not everything can be funny to all, some things you have to do for self, and that shiggity cracks me up Negrosephine.
The NAACP buried the N-word yesterday. I get the sentiment, but aren't we a little old to play pretend. They made a coffin people, and there were onlookers....
There were onlookers...
I had a pink sprinkled donut for the first time this morning. Thanks God it was free cause it tasted like a hug without the grind.
Spanishes.
Tyler Sonnichsen doesn't care to remember my name so I just misspelled his. Now, we're even. Aw, who am I kidding? I'll shoot him.
"What's up Fowlest?"
-Nothin TRich baby
"Kick me a beat so we can freestyle"
-(begins to beatbox)
I SLAP THE TASTE OUT OF HIS MOUTH
-What'd you do that for TRich
"Cause it's hot outside Fowlest....it's hot outside." I hate you Jermaine.
Laters....

WAR!?

It was a rainy day, that cold air still chaps my lips at the thought of it. I think I reached for Carmex cause the 7-Eleven was out of chapstick.... I got off topic, let's go back to the first sentence. It was so cold and I could sense that today would be like no other. A knock at the door made me stop practicing what it might be like to be handicapped and I quickly stopped crawling around on the floor and went to answer. Upon opening I realised that there was child at my door. Now he wasn't anything special but I was out of garbage bags to dispose of him with and if I fed him well perhaps there would be no reason to have to buy a turkey for Thanksgiving. I didn't want to name him but every time he touched something of mine, I tired of yelling out "Stop that Unloved!" So, I decided to go with ..... Jermaine. I would make his middle name something strong like Richardson or Christ but right as I was going to give him a last name, he hung my cell phone up on a rather attractive woman that was calling. How FOWL, i thought to myself. And, there you have it.
I grew to despise him less over the time that we spent together, occasionally I would feed him. Not food buy human standards but since he's still alive I'm considering food anyway. One day I happened upon a hobo that was choking on something, I stood and watched as he passed on and made awkward eye contact with me(a stranger on his way to work) and got Jermaine all kinds of clothes and things. Oh, you should have seen how his twisted, evil face just light up like a ghetto Christmas tree... cause instead of braces I fastened some strong twigs to his teeth. You name it, we did; I dare not even mention the time that I took him on his first adventure to the orphanage. "Your grades are slipping Jermaine, you know I don't love you right? Then, get your act together or you coming back here real soon." He got the picture.... cause I didn't love him. One day he asked me for a Super Nintendo. I laugh now, but I beat him within an inch of his sweet life that day, just to teach the lesson that I'm not made of money. I told him later that day that if he likes he could watch me play my X-Box, but only for one night. Plus, he was old enough that I was afraid he would tamper with my coffee. You know what I mean too. It was hard when he started dating, cause I was generally able to talk the women out of dating him before they had their first date. I don't know why I laugh so hard whenever he cries, but many a night I would sleep in the hall and laugh myself to sleep while he scratched at the door and cried all night. I'll be honest, I'm laughing right now. Goodness I hate him(as I wipe a tear of laughter away from my face), I gotta stop thinking of the good times at work cause people will think it's weird that I'm laughing so hard while working. Where was I... ah, got it. I'm happy to say that despite what you think of the way he smells, I bathed him at least twice over the years and I remember the joy of playing fetch with the Fowlest and not having the swat away all the spill over flies. They can gather on filth folks, trust me... better yet ask him.
Well, you might wonder what young Fowlest did that made he and I such bitter rivals. Not too long ago it came to my attention that he has one of the most disgusting habits known to our society right now. When, I checked on why I still hadn't seen his report card(hoping there would be a "B", those always gave me reason enough to give lashings) I saw him with my own two eyes. Laughing and saying those awful words "De De Deee!" I screamed like a woman who was fornicating and spotted Jason.
ME: Fowlest what is that.
Fowlest: The Mind of Mencia...
ME:Is the remote broken?
Fowlest: No, this is like my favorite show.
ME:(gasp) Get off my lawn and I don't ever want to see you again. And, Fowlest..
Fowlest: Yeah Mr. TRichardson
ME: You know I never loved you right?
That was how it all went down folks. And, sometimes I wake up and swear I can hear him scratch at the door for a chance to sleep on the tile in my kitchen. I could just swear I can hear those ugly tears stream down his face.... and I get the chance to laugh myself to sleep. Have a safe weekend everybody. Laters..........

well hello

Hey kids, how are you out there? Quick question, is the fact that my tire was flat this morning and my dog peed all in my slipper the sign of a bad day to come. Oh, by the way I was like 20 minutes late. Oh, and Tyler from Elliot in the morning told me that a story I wanted to share was too boring to get on the air. Oh, and (I swear this just happened) I had to make a business call and leave a message for someone, in the beginning of the call I had to burp the started speaking very fast... thinking I was hung up cause I thought I pressed the button I gave a burp. But, was still on the call! I just looked down and saw the lights were still on. Oh, what a day I'm having.
Fun in the sun today cause it's hump day. Live it up folks. Tomorrow my boss takes my team and I out for lunch. Awesome, cause they deserved it and I'm the new guy. Though I think the money I saved I blew last night at a bar. I'm not a bar person and it was an awkward way to pass the time. The whole time I was sitting there I just kept thinking "Oh, Tyler, you're better than this." Rented Ghost Rider, and from what I saw it was pretty good, even though I never had any interest in that comic book hero, and the same goes for Blade. The Fowlest and I have a blog war so let me be the first to throw a stone....I hate him. Go Jermaine.....

Great Fri.+Sat. but ohhh that Sun.

First let me start by saying that I've been listening to nothing but the Girl from Ipanema...I know the elevator music. But, everything is gravy when your listening to that song, just gravy. It may be my new favorite song(and the version that I'm talking about has lyrics.)

Traffic was awesome cause it was pretty non-existent today, I got to work early(did he say earl..)I said early.

Saw Rory on Comedy Central...awesome. The asian guy after was also quite funny but Herbie and I took that guy's set to run to Taco Bell. But, the show was awesome....I've used that word too much throughout this blog already.

Ned Divine's was interesting on Fri, but we had fun anyway. I got to chill and meet the staff for a couple of hours, which was one of the highlights of the night. One word, Russian.

So, let's talk about awkward. Yesterday, I was out shopping for a gift cause it was my mother's b-day. Everything was fine between a friend and I until I saw an ex (friend of hers...f buddy), well since I've heard her go on and on about this guy I was blown away when I didn't really see what the big deal is. In my mind I'm saying "this is why we don't bang?!" So, in typical fashion, I GOTTA BE ME, so I said something and now I'm pretty sure we aren't friends anymore. It was so awkward that I just handed her money and let her wait for the check alone. Well, that's TRich for you I guess. laters....

Life is damn neat perfect

I am in a phase of my life where everything is so perfect that all I can say is hurray. So, let's get past the new job and apartment.... nah, let's enjoy this for just a minute. I think that most of my last year was important to who I am to become. Let's go back a year, to when I was fired from my job as a car salesman and having what was clearly the most devastating part of my 24 year old life, to now. I was down and out, not performing because of how broke I was and yeah, even having problems with my "THEN" girlfriend. Over the last year I got that job back and she left right after I guess she thought I wouldn't have a suicidal breakdown... luckily, she was right(but I wouldn't even spend a night in jail over that girl). So, there was no choice but to try to make life a little better for myself. I slowly realized months later that if I was gonna be anything but the person I was spiraling into, I might need to make a change. So, I gave up smoking weed for a long time(in my mind) to make sure that I wouldn't have any problem when the right job came along. Then came finding a new place to live. Since the ex lived so close to the old place, I needed to find a place that wouldn't force me to look at a guy's car in her driveway.... so moving was definite. I had a plan right from the get go though(yeah that rhymed), I was gonna keep my job just long enough to get a new place then get a real job. And folks, that exactly what happened.
It's June now, so I figure that half the year was successful since I accomplished those two things and now I have two other things on my mind. I need to dive into comedy in ways that I haven't yet, and I need a new car. The car part isn't just because of the old ass Corolla that I've been pushin' but mostly cause it causes me shame now that I smacked it into a guard rail the last time I left the Lizard. The comedy part is cause now I have no reason other than trying to get some sleep before I wake up and face traffic, to not get out almost every night of the week and work on some f@ckin' jokes. That douche bag that made a comment a blog or two ago wasn't right, but I'll always have work to do on my comedy til' the day I can stop sayin' "Who the F@ck is Tyler Richardson" aka TRich. Ask the Fowlest N!gga on the Planet how to pronounce the latter. I got six months to prove myself wrong but I don't aim for failure. Oh yeah, a woman that I could trust would be a nice replacement for a car, but comedy will always be on that list.
If anyone isn't happy then I truly feel for you and I hope that you have some kind of faith that everything will be okay. Whether it's religion or just blind faith, we must believe that better things are going to happen to us through the rough times or what the F@ck are we living for. I, myself, just believe that God had a plan.... but that's not for everybody.
I was reading Jay Hastings' blogs today and all I'm gonna say is... "weren't we all thinkin' that sh#t anyway?!" I like Curt, but S@it. That is all.
Don't think that there won't be a blog on Monday cause I've got Soho to hit and now that I've got my weekends, why the hell wouldn't I have plenty to talk about on Monday... I don't know either. Ladies and gentlemen, here's to the rest of 2007! Laters...

So let's play catch up

Hey everybody. Let's start back at the Drafthouse and move forward...

So, the Drafthouse was a s@itload of fun and I had the opportunity to perform with Mike Aronin, Randolph T, Katie Riffey and Chris Doucette. Awesome is the first word that I can think to describe it and even though the crowd wasn't standing room only, there was certainly a receptive group of people there. Loved it. Afterwards, Herbie along with Randolph and Katie Riffey(oh, and who the F@ck is Tyler Richardson) went to some giant bar and I learned some of Randolph's ways of the pimp. Very educational.
That Saturday night I got to go to the Laughing Lizard and that was just as fun as it should be. After the show I was drunk driving and smacked my already not so hot car into a barrier. It was only a second, but you'd be surprised at what can happen in a second or two..... SHIT.
So, let's skip to more recent events. I traveled down to Richmond on Sunday with John McBride and the Fowlest N@gga on the planet. We stayed at John's friend's house, Suki thank you. Bestest hostess ever. And, yeah I know that's not a word. We were there for the 9:55 club and we should all know by now that the room is just plain fun to perform in. John rocked, The Fowlest rocked, and Who the F@ck didn't do too bad either. I didn't really have 45 minutes but I'm definitely working on my crowd work. Overall I was satisfied.
Tuesday, I took my drug screening at my new place of employment and got my photo taken for my badge and all that jazz. I could not be happier about this new job and boy am I reflecting on how I used to sell cars right about now. Times change, and a year ago I was having the worst time of my life. A year later, I'm floatin' on cloud nine. God bless everybody.
Yesterday I went to Richmond again to perform at the Funnybone. They have a competition very much like ours at the Improv. Fun, fun, fun and I got a chance to speak with Odyssey Michaels quite a bit. Nothing but professional for those that haven't met him. I respect that, and hopefully there will be work for me at the Funnybone sometime soon. I'm pretty negative by nature so take comfort when I tell you that it's a good possibility.
Which leads me to my last topic. Why is it that when people get what they want out of comedy they aren't using it the way we all say that we would when we're still nothing. I am nothing right now and unless I'm blind to the world there aren't as many hook-ups going on as there should be. I'm not talking about anyone specific, but when I get any opportunity you better believe that I'm gonna break my neck to put anyone with talent on the same opportunity. If you're confused at all just ask yourself "Who is the last person to really help someone out that wasn't there friend?" I'm talking about recognizing someone talented, remembering their name, and taking a few sentences at a later time to change the direction their heading in. If you think I'm talking about myself, then you don't really get what I'm saying and I feel okay with you being a bitter F@ck about that. But, for those of you that do get it(and yes, I would certainly love for someone to do something for me one day, but that's not what this is about) go out of your way to help someone that you don't consider one of your closet friends. To give an example: there were a few comedians last night that had no reason other than being extremely cool, to help out an out of towner that most of them were meeting for the first time today. Now, naturally when anything comes up for Tyler Richardson I would help out my friends cause that's what people do, but I mean helping out someone like Mike Blejer(just reachin' for a name that's new, imply nothing. Yes, I know about Demitri Martin). Just pickin' someone that you find talented but want to help out. It is possible isn't it. But, I'm babbling now, so let me go and just say this. "I just want the best for our community, so take no offense. I'm happier then I've ever been now and want everyone to have the same joy in their life." I'm at the Riot Act the next couple of days with Joe Recca, be there if you're bored.

Survey TIME!

I promise that an actual blog is coming like... tomorrowish, cause there's lots to talk about from the last couple of weeks. But first I need the help of everyone reading that isn't looking to lyrics to Johnny Gill's My My My(Koreans).

Which is a better name for my website?
1) whoistylerrichardson.com
or
2) whothehellistylerrichardson.com

You tell me so I can get a little more professional with this thang.... laters.

So Tyler, how was your weekend?...who are you?!

Firsteys, let me just say Congrateys to the Fowlest N@gga on the Planet. Last night I believe that Mike Way and Aparna tied for first place at the Improv showcase and Jermaine followed in second place. Forgive me for not knowing who third place was, but I talked to the Fowlest N@gga on the planet last night while very drunk. You know that he talks fast...

Riot Act was a fun open mic last night. Right before I hit on Ms. Dookie I realized that her bit about being in a long distance relationship is TRUE. If not then she's just not attracted to me, but the point is don't hit on her. It's an embarrassing walk away. Cause you know you're gonna see her again. I know I will..... back to the show though. Took awhile for the crowd to warm up but when I eventually got up there I had fun and it definitely made up for bombing at the Lizard on Sat. Did I mention the weekend yet? Let's just do this thing in reverse while we're at it...

So, the Lizard was cool and there were all my favorite people there. Poon rocked that mutha. Tim, Herbie, The Fowlest N@gga on the Planet, Bryson Turner, and "Who the F#ck is Tyler Richardson all had a rather interesting convo. Leo the man was in attendance. Saw that smoothe mutha Mike Way in action. At long last, saw the coolest cat on the earth, Jason Weems. Hadn't ran into him in a minute. And, lastly, I ate shit.

Before all that happened though, I did get lost in southeast DC. I joked with the Fowlest N@gga on the planet about how I was going to call him panicked cause I knew that was gonna happen. I've only been lost there a handful of times but getting to Catholic University gave me the "You're gonna get lost in SOUTHEAST DC!" feelin'... ya know. So, about 15 minutes after laughing about this call that was coming, I found myself on MLK JR. Blvd.(sigh) and there were people that looked like they wanted to hurt somebody on every corner. Need I remind you that it was broad daylight, and they could look right in the Corolla at your friend "Who the F@ck..." so I was playin' it cool but still on edge. Throw in the fact that I'd been drinkin' for some time and needed to STOP somewhere and take a piss. I really didn't want to stop anywhere that had SE beside the street so I continued to try and find my way through SE while holdin' back a monster piss. Eventually, I get a couple block into NW and decide that I can't hold it anymore so I'm gonna take the Colgate bottle in the back seat(that was empty) and pee in it then I'm gonna dump it out. Don't judge me, you know we've all done horrible things in a crisis. So, I have my pants undone, belt unbuckled, and IT is almost in the Colgate bottle.... then I pull up next to a church. I ask the man at the door if I can use the bathroom. Yes. THEN, I put it and the Colgate bottle away and zip up. I pee, he takes 10 minutes to give me directions to the University, and we're back on the road. Catholic University is full of at least two wonders:
1) It's surrounded by nothing but GHETTO. That's right, it's projects then out of nowhere this shiny golden cathedral. Odd.
2) It's seems that being extremely hot is a prerequisite to getting into the university. Not everyone was hot, cause like allowing a white guy in a black university, "Gotta keep up appearances".
The show went well and the audience was attentive. Even though the show went long, they were right there with us. And, the Fowlest N@gga on the planet was hittin' on anything that moved. Shout outs to the Engineers at Catholic U. You guys rocked and so do your 80-year-old grandmothers. There was a woman in the front row that was chuckling at the dirtiest stuff I had. I miss her already. Well, that's it for now. Drafthouse... May 3rd... just go people. Laters....

Koreans

And no, that has nothing to do with V. Tech earlier this week. I am blown away by the massive number of people from Korea that continue to look for the lyrics to "My My My" by Johnny Gil. You'd swear the song just came out over there cause everyday there are a ridiculous amount of hits on my page from the same same search. I know that his dance moves were awesome, I saw them when I was 5. Move on Korea..... move on.
Yesterday, my mother and I were spending some quality time and somehow got to watching videos on Youtube(which I don't think she had ever seen before). Luckily, her monitor is gyhugen so watching the videos was kinda like watching the tele. My mother really doesn't have much of a sense of humor these days cause she's a huge Jesus freak and uppity. But, I threw on "Go Fuck yourself" by our friend J. Schlegel and saw a bit of life out of the old girl I haven't seen in years. She didn't even watch Brokeback mountain, cause of the Jesus freak thing, but knew exactly what was going on. I was so shocked that she laughed, "High Five Justin"..... ah.
Tomorrow, there's a cool show at Catholic University(it just now dawned on me that I probably need to go with my clean material then) and it looks like the line-up has some people I don't know too well but have heard of..... shall we. Okay then, Erin Conroy, Mike Shader, Mike Auletta.... then the familiar faces.... Chris White, Herbie Gill, Giovanni, The Fowlest N@gga on the Planet, and "Who the F#ck is Tyler Richardson?". Should be fun and the show gets going at 8.
May 3rd. Arlington Cinema N' Drafthouse. "Who the F@ck is Tyler Richardson?", Katie Riffey, Tim Miller, and Randolph T. 8. Just DO.
I'm gonna go for the weekend, but lets catch up on Monday shall we? Laters....

So much to say...

What it is? Let's start with Friday and work our way up to last night at Soho, shall we...

Friday- Felt like it was far time to get out and see if Ned Divine's was still a ton of fun. When I got there about 15(being generous) people were seated and ready for this striptease we call comedy. The list would be:Rob the master Maher, Herbie "F'n Pimp" Gill, Leo 2 Goodman, Who the F@ck is Tyler Richardson, and Jon MUMMA. I had fun, and think that for the size of the crowd I did aight. Yeah, that's not a word, but I felt it come out and couldn't stop it. Mumma broke out this balls to the wall joke which he says was the first time he had performed it. We'll see, if so, I was there man, I was there. So, after he performs we go to the bar to get a drinky drink. Guy next to him is incredibly drunk and immediately buys him what he was gonna order. I'm behind and thinkin' "Wow, I sure hope that I can get a free drink". Cause I'm frugal, not gay. They spoke about 2 sentences to one another. I proceed to try and order. Not so smooth as Mumma though, cause I was forced to have conversation with this man for about 15 minutes and there was no free drink at the end of that tunnel my friends. But, while talking he did describe how one of his roommates would screw in his bed and leave him to sleep in it. That was after he made me hear about how he was the baddest mutha on the planet. So, I move back to the comics with my martini and Miller Lite in hand. When I get there some type of transformation took place at Ned Devine's. It suddenly became a club. Fine women were here and there and then I said something like "With all these women, I feel like I should be hittin' on some." Well, Rob or Mumma proceed to take out money and say that I won't last 5 mins. in a conversation. Now, it took me about 20 mins. to build up my courage, but I ain't no sucka. So I move over to two women and one has my name all over her. I promised that I would use the phrase "Reese's Pieces are great aren't they?", so I chose to open with that one. They laughed thank God, but the fine one wasn't really into me. So I swerved my game to her less attractive friend. She wasn't bad, just not fine. Judge away, but don't. Turns out that both of them were 39 and that doesn't work so well when you look like you're 17. I got turned down when I eventually asked for her number. But, had been talking for easily 10-15 minutes, so that $4 was all mine baby. Later in the night I would accidentally race around a corner and full on grab a hot Hispanic girls boobs. A little later I was joking with the bartender about something and slapped her breast to the point of bounce, but she knew that was an accident. I talk with my hands too much people. And, I tried my first long island ice tea, which lead to me being cut off and driving home with one eye open. Ladies and Gentlemen, I enjoyed telling it almost as much as I enjoyed livin' it.... Moving on.

Saturday- Went to the L St. Lounge to meet my main man Jermaine Fowler. From now on I will refer to him as the Fowlest N@#ga on the planet. It' s just funny to me. So, as usual, a group of "women?" perform first even though we worked out an agreement with the host, and I believe they sang about keeping their weave. I fought back laughter until a white family looked into my eyes and saw that "Hey, it's okay to laugh. He's black and thinks this song is awful too. Are those women?" I performed and thought I did well again, plus some people came down from the bar to hear me. They didn't realize that I was only giving them 3 minutes cause it was time to celebrate Tyler Sonnichsen's big day(early). So we were off to the Laughing Lizard. Tons of comics. As much as people get a little steamed when the place is full of comics, I really do enjoy getting to see all those faces in one place. Normally, you see sprinkles throughout the week or so, but this was a melting pot. I tried some crowd work and if nothing else, just wanted to have fun. It was nothing but comics, but I felt cool with how my new stuff was received. Let me give a quick list: Herbie, Sean Gabbert, The Fowlest N#gga on the planet, Ryan Conner, Quincy, Randolph T, Andy Kline, Jake Young, Will Hessler, Tim Miller, Kojo, Aparna, Diana Saez, and HOT bartenders. Thank you for giving us the Lizard Tyler S. We love you, and I liked your birthday cake so much I smeared some on my pea coat just to have it around always.

Sunday-The Fowlest N%gga on the planet decided to kick it at la casa de Richardson, so I woke up to him on the floor gettin' in some Gears of War. He's not bad, but to his face I'll tell him he's horrible. I was supposed to go to the circus with a female friend but that didn't happen like it was supposed to, so chill we did. First, off to Bloom to get some beer. Mind you this was Easter Sunday and it was 10:50 in the morning. "We get ours". I stumbled across some lobster tails on sale and what human could say no to lobster. So we get back, drink, play video games and live people, live.... then I remembered that my family likes to eat and give me free food. So, with the Fowlest N&gga on the planet in toe, it was off to mama Richardson's house. It was cool and now he is the only person who knows how strange my family truly is. If he calls them strange somebody let me know so I can taze that bama. He even tried some food that won't ever touch these lips. He's a brave soul, but that's my homie, so I put the antidote in his backpack. Soon, it was time to say good-bye to young Fowlest... so I took him to the beach and said "Best of luck you bitch ass Nyuggah!" Got home, watched A Clockwork Orange, and decided that maybe it was time to eat that lobster. For those that want to cook it yourself, just know that there are giblets that Red Lobster doesn't show you. GIBLETS.

Monday-Found out that I can sign the lease on my new apartment next Monday. So rock on to that. I'm not moving far, just to a much nicer and less expensive part of Virginia. Right now, I live in Fairfax county, but it's not a nice neighborhood. Yet they still get to charge you like it's a gated community. The only thing that rent.com can say about us it that we have lakes in our complex to go private fishing. Yet, the first time I ordered pizza the delivery guy was 40 mins. late; when asked why he replied "the cops are fishing a body out of the lake down the hill, so I couldn't get around them"...... WHAT?! Plus, my ex won't be living across the street anymore, so that's cool too. So, I went to Soho last night. List?, of course:Fowlest..., Kojo, Mike Way, Aparna, Diana Saez, Jay Hastings, Chris Barylick, Tim Miller, John McBride, Seaton(a f'n pimp if I've ever seen one)Smith, Leo 2 Goodman, Tom Myers, and many more... I'm a forgetful shit, sorry. It was a cool show and went like most do, I was happy with myself and it was cool to have gotten on a stage frequently over the past 4-5 days. I gotta keep that up. One thing that did jump out at me was that Taxi Driver. He didn't tell jokes and it seemed like he really just wanted someone who would listen. Maybe people are too busy talking about themselves when he's driving them somewhere. But, as sad as it was to witness, it was f'n creepy. My boy Kevin couldn't do anything but look at me, and I'm not the best person to look at if you're trying to fight laughter. I'm an asshole. Tom Myers, Tyler loves you. But, who the fuck is Tyler Richardson. Well, that's all for this longgggg blog entry. Side note: Walking back to my car from Soho, that Taxi guy almost hit me and when Kevin and I looked into the cab and saw him talking to someone, the WTF look was wiped away and all was forgiven. Love you Taxi Driver guy...Laters

Blogs are for lovers

Hey everyone. There will be a new blog of things that happened during my very crazy weekend. Fowlers, and drunkards and laughs... oh my. See ya at Soho tonight.