Tyler Richardson on Facebook

Just as good as a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.

Monday, June 30, 2008

I'm not ready to be a father.... I'm still too sexy

Well.... let's get straight to the "Meat and Potatoes" of a pretty cool weekend, shall we?

The weekend at the Comedy Factory was great, Erin Jackson stopped by both nights and the I think we all know that I'm d*ck riding EJ like most people do Tim Miller (I have to laugh at that one). The shows were so much fun I was really depressed on Saturday, right around the second show, cause then you return to the real world. For anyone that gets told they will be working with Vince Morris, jump for joy, he was as cool a headliner as you could ask for. He even asked me to do a joke before his last set, which we all know is unheard of, but if the headliner asks "Who's gonna say no to that?" And though he had lost some of his faith in hip-hop, he has now listened to Lupe Fiasco... Amen. I also enjoyed what I can only call a "Strong Island Iced Tea". Jared was not only the token Jew, but had some great sets. My favorite Jared Stern moment was the end his time in the second Saturday. As soon as he shook my hand and came down on the step.... he crumbled like the Berlin Wall. I didn't even have time to ask if he was alright before I broke into laughter. What made it better was that it was in front of all those people and even though he didn't fall all the way to the ground it was good enough to crack me up like a fat kid getting tickled. Good times, and allow me to yet again show what not to do when you're working. The first show on Saturday night I got a little picture happy, way too early. I had seen people taking pictures the other two nights and honestly didn't know better since no one said anything. So, in the middle of Vince's set, I snap one and the flash goes off. Jared, sitting right next to me says "What are you doing?" I immediately knew that I shouldn't do that. Vince stopped his set and said "Who just took that picture?" I continue telling Jared that there's no way I'm gonna stop talking to him and eventually we'll just wait this thing out. People start chiming "It came from over there", Vince says "Tyler, did you take that picture? What are you doing? If you want a picture come up here and take one, don't just take one of me.... that's gay" I breathed a sigh of release while we struck different poses for the camera, but if it were an @sshole I could have been in for a good talking to. On a related note, we struck several funny poses on that stage and the lady with the camera was shaking them off... b*tch take the pictures. I was looking at the pics I took and thinking, "Man, I wish that lady would've just taken the pictures". Oh well, the weekend kicked more @ss than Chuck Norris....
(Man appears behind Tyler while typing.... HOLY $#!T it's CHUCK NORRIS)
Sorry Chuck.
"It's cool Tyler"- Chuck Norris
(Then Chuck Norris snap kicked Tyler in the face. He exits like he came into the building on a rainbow)

Yesterday exchanged numbers in a grocery store. The only thing I could say was "I'm the sexiest bastard on the planet today, but I know tomorrow's coming. $#!T". Hello Monday.... :(

I miss the trash talk days of DCComedy4Now, cause without people commenting like crazy, it's just sad. Oh well, we still have EJ, Aparna, Ryan, Justin, Jimmy and TRich blogs to thumb through everyday.

Back to Richmond next Monday, woo-hoo!!!!! I've missed it down there, I wonder if it's got a beard now.... oh yeah, and Erin Jackson will be there too. I'm most diabolical stalker of all time. If you read her blog you know she's not too fond of hugging all the time all "willy nilly". But, the opportunity arose on Friday night and I leaped and got all the hug she could handle. I laughed about it later that night while watching Live at Gotham. I hugged someone on television, ENVY ME. Oh, and I saw we drive the same car... Corolla b*tch.

The show that my friend Josh and I are going to pitch to the director of programming at Adult Swim, called BASIC, is actually leading me to hope. I'm shocked that for once two men that procrastinate all the time, got off their bottoms' and did some work. Praise be to the wolf.

Yesterday my dog and I had a long conversation about July 4th, he doesn't see the big deal and thinks people should still work. You can't teach an old dog gratitude. He's so cute when we disagree, he keeps slamming his fist on the table and interrupting until he feels he's gotten his point across.

I finally got around to putting Tha Carter II on my iPod, bliss. Feel Me!!!!

After this weekend I'm really looking forward to the weekend at the Arlington Cinema N' Drafthouse, pubes are permed and everything.... they say I'm sexy now.

Spy Lounge tonight!!!! .... b*tch. 8 o' cleazy.

I will leave everyone with a little Diddy:

It's Bad Boy bitch
Do it do it do it do it
Do it do it do it do it
(It feels good to be back, I missed ya)
Relax your mind, let your conscience be free
And I roll with the sounds of BBE
Do it do it do it do it
Do it do it do it do it
(You know what time it is)(Report to the dance floor)
It's bad boy bitch(Talk to 'em)

????? How does this man sell records??????


Friday, June 27, 2008

A Shortie

Super busy, leaving early to get to Baltimore on time, but wanted to say a lil' something.

Saw Erin Jackson KILL on Last Comic Standing last night. All the comics were huddled around the screen and disappointed as F*ck when she didn't get chosen. Still though, she's on national television two nights in a row. We are not worthy.... everyone better watch her on Live at Gotham tonight at 10. I have my DVR set, DC, so alive.

I got to Baltimore really early yesterday and had to kill four hours at the bar downstairs from the Comedy Factory. I was sandwiched in between old people and three very angry Russians that were taking a soccer *Futbol* WAY to seriously.

Jared had never seen me out of an open mic so I asked that his expectations be low.... I crushed. Just a little :)

Vince is great, just as laid back and personable as all of the people that we can't believe we meet that we recall seeing on television. The man was dealing with some drunk "Chimers", I can't call them hecklers since they meant well. Oh, and did I forget to mention all the @ss in that joint, makes me gitty about what tonight and tomorrow will bring. YEAH!!!

Jared Stern actually offended the crowd with a joke about his sister. 2 minutes earlier they laughed at the thought of him sleeping with her. Hmmm.

gotta go, lots more Monday.


Thursday, June 26, 2008

The Dark Knight Review from Ain't it Cool News by Tim Bisley

Hi Harry and the rest of the crew,
Just after watching The Dark Knight. I see no reviews are online so I thought Id send you my review.
Ive kept this review as spoiler free as possible as I dont want to ruin anything like someone did recently with another Christian Bale movie!!!
Ill start by saying that I was a fan of Batman Begins and am a huge admirer of Christopher Nolan's body of work. I had my faults with BB mainly to do with how they shot and edited the fight sequences but felt it was a great start to a much larger story and I jumped with joy when Gordan pulled out the Joker card at the end.
The Dark Knight opens with a bank heist sequence that highlights how the joker is always one step ahead of the criminals he is working with and the police who are after him. Numerous men break into a bank controlled by the mob wearing clown masks and comment on how The Joker has put the whole thing together. This is the catalyst for which the rest of the events in this movie takes place.
The heist does not go to plan well at least not for all the gang. Its a great set up and payoff and a unique way of introducing the ace in TDK'S whole or in this case its Joker.
Heath Ledgers performance of the joker is truly one for the books. A man of no remorse or morals who simply wants to see things burn. There is no back story or establishing the character. He is fully formed. He does have some dialogue scenes that reveal a bit of his background.Lets just say he has some issues with his father and that smile of his is rooted in a gesture of love. He is far from a caricature and has depth . He realises that without Batman he would not be. The Joker is almost more of a terrorist than criminal. He is not motivated by money. He wants to see people suffer. Its a damn shame that this was Heath Ledger's final major performance as it shows a whole different side to him as a performer and I now know that he was endlessly talented. To watch him walk away from an exploding hospital dressed as a nurse is probably my favourite moment Ive seen on film so far this year. Also look out for when he makes a pencil disappear such a cool moment! Best supporting Oscar anyone?
Gotham is still engulfed by crime. Falcone's reign as the head of the mob is over and that seat has been filled by Salvatore Maroni played by Eric Roberts. What becomes clear is that there are also numerous other gangs within Gotham. Its no longer just one syndicate. They are all in some way in cahoots but the arrival of Batman has made it harder for them to operate.
Batman has inspired the city officials particularly Harvey Dent. The DA for Gotham city. This is really his story. The rise and fall of the white knight. He is Bruce Wayne's hope for Gotham City. A hero who doesn't have to wear a mask. A man who can inspire hope in the masses.If BB was about fear then TDK is about hope and is relevant in today's times. Harvey Dent is a good honest man who is willing to bear the weight of bringing down all the criminals on his shoulders and what that means for his own life and those he loves. In terms of his transition to Two Face all I will say is that everything online that Ive seen is fake. The moment we first see him in hospital when Harvey Dent asks Gordan what his nickname used to be in Internal Affairs and Gordan says Harvey Two Face and Harvey turns to him . Such a clever way of establishing the character. Even down to his double sided coin.Lets just say Aaron Eckhart puts Tommy Lee Jones to friggin shame!
The film feels more like a crime drama in a grand city scape than atypical comic book movie. It feels like Heat except Batman is Al Pacino and The Joker is Robert De Niro and just like in that film we have a great scene between Heath Ledger and Christian Bale across a table. There is also an element of a Greek Tragedy.. There is a vast sense of morality at play within the film.
Dent is trying to bring down the criminals and wants to bring them in under a RICO charge. To do this he needs Batman's help as he has to bring in the man who takes care of all their money. A glorified accountant as Rachel Dawes puts it.Think Al Capones accountant in the Untouchables. So Batman ventures to Hong Kong. It adds to the idea that this is very much set in the real world and its not just Gotham that Batman can access.
This all happens within the first third of the film. The run time is two and a half hours. It doesn't feel that long as there is so much going on within the film. Ive always felt Christopher Nolan was able to handle pacing unlike many movies that are over two hours these days. This is also his first entirely linear film and he proves himself to be a gifted storyteller and a master of utilising film as a visual medium. He fills each frame with so much scope and detail. You can tell he is enjoying himself with the amount of money he is being allowed to play with and wants to better himself and the franchise.Although this movie doesn't feel like an instalment in a franchise.The best thing I can think of for comparison is The Godfather Part 2.
There is no sign of the Batcave in this film. Although Alfred does make mention of it saying how he looks forward to it being finished.Bruce now lives in a pretty sweet penthouse apartment and his new batcave is in an underground layer in the docks. Bruce and Lucious Foxhave been working on the suit and toys although to my surprise the Batpod was in BB and nobody spotted it. It'll put a smile on your face when it makes its introduction.
Christian Bale owns this role. He is Bruce Wayne and he is Batman. He is also a third character in some regards as there are almost two sides to Bruce Wayne. The public figure, a playboy billionaire who knows how to spend his money and the Bruce Wayne behind closed doors who only Alfred and Rachel get to see. A man covered in bruises and wounds who desperately wants be free of Batman but is compelled to make a difference as no one else can. He can play the villain to be the hero as he does.
The second third focuses on the capturing of The Joker. The city is living in fear as he makes threats on national television that he always follows through with. You simple have no idea what he will do next. There appears to be no reason to his madness although that proves to not be the case.
I don't really want to give away anymore. I will say there is death but not in the way some of the fan boys who have watched the trailer are thinking. There is a prestige moment within the film that is a true Chris Nolan moment. The scarecrow is in the film but has a very minor role.
Just go see it on opening day in a room full of fans. Ill be doing the same and have no doubt Ill enjoy it even more the second time round.

How could you not be wet, Justin I told you I would dedicate today to you but I thought this might make you dance a little. Who am I kidding? Everyone that's anxious to see this should have maximum stiffness after he's basically confirmed every fantasy that you have for the movie.

Tomorrow Justin.... you.

Baltimore Comedy Factory this weekend, starting today. Woo Hoo!!


Wednesday, June 25, 2008

It's a lot like kissing Satan

I'm boycotting Justin Cousson for his blasphemy, he knows of the beauty that is Coldplay but does not believe. Pray for him, pray for me.

I'm gonna be somebody's father.... someday. That tickles me.

"If you want my body and you think I'm sexy c'mon suga let me know"- Mike Myers, So I Married An Axe Murderer. Yes folks, there was a time when Mike Myers was funny.... sigh.

I has this recurring day dream where I talk in German to a baby seal. I scream at it until spit flies out of my face uncontrollably. Then I club it to death. What does it mean?

Anyone that doesn't accept credit cards in the year 2008 is the Devil. What the F*ck kind of business are they running?!

Most of the ho-ish women I've encountered in life are going to be someone's Mother someday. That tickles me too.

A woman walked past my desk and tripped earlier, without even thinking I burst into laughter and the best part was that she came back by a couple minutes later. I had just gotten a hold of myself but seeing her, and the fact that she turned and looked right at me when I laughed, made me lose it all over again.

For no reason in particular, I've laughed more this morning than I can remember.

I've begun referring to people like special orders. Jermaine is Extra Pickles. I'm Hold the Mayo. Nelson is No Tomato. Kevin is Plain. Cassaundra is Only Ketchup. What will you be?

It's about time that all phones had video chat capabilities, I'm tired of wondering if women are fine by the sound of their voices. Trickery...

On Wednesdays like this I like to think about what an old friend used to sing all the time "Yo mama don't wear no draws, I seen'em when she took'em off". He was ahead of his time.

I'm glad we don't have White Castles around here, I feel like police would know to sit around late at night and wait for stoners. I might get picked by accident, mistaken identity :)

:( I used a smiley face(actually it was a frown) on Gchat just cause I like how it turn once you press enter. Unfortunately, I was talking to my friend Josh and he was not too pleased that I'd taken our relationship to the next level. When I told him why I smiley faced him, he understood. That's what friends are for.

Don't swallow gum while eating Nestle Crunch Ice Cream.... just don't.

Pink Lemonade is the Devil. I kid, I'm hooked on the stuff...oh yeah, and alcohol.

I plan on buying The Wizard of Oz and Dark Side of the Moon. We all know what else I need to enjoy that, I can't wait.
Baltimore, tomorrow I would like it if you wore that red dress I like. Oh, and bring b*tches.

That's as random as I'm gonna get today, by the way, it's appalling how many people don't know what a non-sequitor is?


Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Fox Five is around the corner?! Get outta my way b*tch!

Last night was actually a good night at Spy Lounge, which is only weird to me since Fox was over at Chief Ike's. $#!t, even I was tempted to run over, but I was too late and knew I wouldn't get on anyway. Curses, but non-the-less we had a cool sized crowd (wtf does that mean?) and they were attentive and laughing. Can't ask for more right? Wrong, big ti**ted women always make a good time classic.

Nothing feels better than answering your phone and getting the "if that's another female I'll f*cking kill you" talk", even when they don't really mean it, it's sexy. You never though, she might kill. Praise be to the wolf.

Marvel has announced the characters they are pretty sure will be in THE AVENGERS. The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man, Thor, Captain America and Ant-Man.... with Samuel Jackson as Nick Fury. Oh 2011, why do you taunt me? You whore.
There's a pregnant woman that I'm pretty sure is "coming on" to me..... gross. I hate kids.

Dear Mr. Chipotle,

I am pretty new to your restaurant, and even though I heard McDonald's owns it, it think it's pretty swell. How did you make so that every minute that your place is open there's a line wrapped around the inside? That's incredible. You prices aren't that bad and on behalf of all that like a good beer with their semi-authentic Burritos/Tacos, good look my n*gga. I have to be honest I don't know what's happened but lately I can't stay away from your restaurant. And I don't even eat out like that, I'm f*cking cheap. The reason I'm writing you is that on Sunday, for the first time, your restaurant made me get up and drive 15 minutes just to get some late night tacos. I bought late night tacos at 4 pm. I really don't know what you put in them but after my doobie snacks, I enjoyed your delicious meats like a barbarian. Corn spilling from the back of the taco, I recall catching falling taco stuff and shoving it into my mouth with my hand. I had to watch my hands after that, it was a lot of "taco stuff". When I woke up yesterday I was willing to be late to work, because your tacos don't leave much time to scramble for a toilet. Don't even get me started on traffic. I'm not really sure how many times I sat on a toilet yesterday(at least 10 and two different PUBLIC bathrooms.... UGGGG), but I do know that two times I had to jump in a shower when I was done. I can't recall anything stinging my anus with such a bite. I've been gushing like a woman on her monthly and I don't even mind. All that I hope is that you receive this, and break me off some free taco meat (Hehe).

Still pissing outta my ass,

TRich Baby

I hate when Travis Irvine looks me in the eyes, it makes me feel like he wants to date.... but he'd probably stand me up. Flirt.

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday. " - Lester Burnham

I've posted that quote before and just wanted everyone to see it and really reflect for a moment. Every second of every day is a gift, treat it like one from time to time. The people we meet, the faces of those we'll never see again, those who inspire us and those we inspire... I might have gone a little (or a lot) soft, but be happy for a moment. You have every reason to feel good. See you guys tomorrow.


Monday, June 23, 2008

Chipotle is a bad Sunday night meal, cause Monday is a $#!tstorm

Yesterday, I went to church for the first time in at least 8 years. Not that I'm proud of that, I just really hated going to church when I was younger. I grew up and since no one could make me go, I didn't. But my mother is a clever shrew and had a trick up her sleeve to lure me there. She bet me that if my traffic court case went beautifully I must go to church. I was weak, I'd have said yes to anything(except tickets to "Woman f**ks a Horse, that's just gross) and there you have it. Doped, I did see some thing that interested me:

- My mother dropped her pen, it was a nice pen too, and a kid picked it up. He went on to deface the pastor's family on a program and wave the proof of what a monster he is high above his head. His father didn't seem to pleased. My mother discovered that he had her pen and asked me to get it back. I saw the kid pick his nose.... so he kept the pen.

-There was a gay man behind me, I could feel him burning a hole in my heterosexuality with my peripheral vision. I'm not saying that gay people are going to hell, but isn't there something better he could be doing with his Sunday. Like sewing socks or something...

- They let a child head the choir, everyone seemed to think this was cute. I don't have any children, and since I couldn't relate I was just pretty annoyed with the terrible sounding kid heading the choir.

-A lot of women with children looking around the room. Take note kiddies, the church is no place to meet a woman anymore, just leftovers.

-People in church are unafraid to walk right up to you while your hugging you're Mom and ask if you're taken. "B*tch, I'm with my momma... and you're older than her. That's not cute." But of course I didn't say that, I smiled and talked about her later.

-My sister's lifelong friend Brianna was there, and I wondered what she had done to be punished. Still haven't figured it out yet.

-There was a girl a few rows up who had on Applebottom jeans. The sad part is that she was probably 15, and that wasn't enough to stop me from looking. "Must be the greens" is all I could think.

-Not even Barack Obama shakes hands faster than me when that service was done. From my seat to the car, on the far side of the parking lot, in about 3 minutes.

Spy Lounge Tonight, you know the time and let's have fun by the ton. Sorry, that was corny but I'm trying to keep my enthusiasm up for Monday otherwise the day will be incredibly long.

Just as the title implies, do not eat Chipotle right before you go to sleep on Sunday. Especially not if it's spicy. I had to jump in the shower and cool off. What a way to start a day.

Fact: When women accept a marriage proposal, they gain a lot of weight. It's disgusting and unfair. So, when I finally pop the question I'm gonna mohawk my pubes until she starts working out. Let the games begin...

I'm feeling anxious to go back to the Comedy Factory, it's been awhile and I here Vince Morris is cool. Jared is gonna play wing man. We tried this way back when Ned Devine's was still going on and he turned around as soon as I got the words "Hi Miss..." out of my mouth. But this does not mean he's a bad wing man, he just needs to be groomed. The fact that we're both in the shows is bound to help out right? Not that this is all about "Getting some strange", cause it's about the money too. Laughter... I meant to say laughter.

Please allow a second for a Harlem Shake attack...


Okay, I'm spent.

I'm gonna go, but I hope to see all you lovely people later tonight. Snootchie Boochies


Thursday, June 19, 2008

"Oh, I see, and now you wanna have sex with the Fries" -Burt Banana

Is it coincidence that when Randolph Terrance shows up I don't get on at Wiseacres? Hmmmm.

I find it a little funny that when Nick and Jason (DC Comedy 4 Now) got here they named their blog that, now they're outta here lickedy split.... that's just funny to me. I wish those guys all the best, and just between you and I, Nick Turner uses too much tongue when he kisses. How do I know that?

Baltimore Comedy Factory.... Vince Morris!!!..... Jared Stern..... hold on, psst guys "Who the F*ck is Tyler Richardson?"

COLDPLAY'S NEW ALBUM IS THE SHIGGITY! I could go on all day about that but I had this great moment while listening to it yesterday. I was coming onto 495 heading towards Tyson's Corner and right as I came down the hill I was really into whatever song was on. I looked up and there were all these holes in the clouds and the purple and yellow light was almost spilling through the blueish sky. It was something that should be drawn and probably is. I was trying to tell Bryson about it last night, but he had a look on his face that said "We're guys, I don't want to share a moment". Their music is great to daydream to...

A Pedophile look-a-like is standing less than ten feet to my right. Yet I feel so calm, I must be old.

I don't care how the audience reacts, I never get tired of hearing "Give it up for Haywood Turnipseed" and seeing a BIG militant black man. I'm sure his laugh is ringing through everyone's head right now. I honestly don't think I've met anyone that is identifiable by laughter. Have you? Think hard, could you be in a room completely absent of light and recognize your mother's laugh in a room full of 100 other people laughing? I know I couldn't.

I actually had a Kojo sighting, for months now I've been under the belief that he'd taken console with Superman in the Fortress of Solitude. But, he's back apparently and with chin strap. One day I'll pay him back for getting everyone in the Laughing Lizard (this was over a year ago) to laugh at my fade. One day...

www.whysoserious.com/myhero This is a link to a new trailer of the Dark Knight where you see Two Face from behind. It's short but proves that the picture I put up a long time ago is what Two Face looks like. It's striaght to the point, I like that.

Does anyone else who plays Guitar Hero then have sex feel like a rockstar? It could be that it's just me, but I think not.

The news continues to shovel the stories of flooding in the Midwest down our throats, but does anyone care? Not even the people in the Midwest. One day, they'll let us vote online whether or not we care about certain things then we can get down to the real news, observe:

It's time for everyone to get the NEW Firefox software

In the first 24 hours the web browser was available the software was downloaded more than eight million times, says its creator Mozilla.
Statistics from the download servers are being scrutinised to produce an official figure that will be passed to the Guinness World Record organisation.
But the launch was marred by news from computer security firms who have found the first flaws in the software.
Big figures
The attempt to set the download record was scheduled to begin at 1300 PST (2000 GMT) on 17 June.
However, the record attempt was almost wrecked from the start as the servers handling the downloads collapsed under the weight of visitors checking to see if new version was available.
Once the servers were up and functioning normally the record attempt began.
At their busiest the servers were handling more than 9,000 downloads per minute. Within five hours the number of downloads for Version 3.0 exceeded the 1.6 million set by Firefox 2.0 in October 2006.
In total Firefox 3.0 was downloaded 8.3 million times over the 24 hour record setting period. The figure beats the five million Mozilla predicted before the day.
Logs from the download servers have been handed to the Open Source Labs at Oregon State University for auditing. The scrutiny will ensure duplicate and unfinished downloads are not counted. The verification process could take a week to complete.
The surge of interest in Firefox 3.0 has continued and Mozilla has reported that the software has now been downloaded more than 10 million times.
However, some of the shine of the launch was removed by reports that a security firm had already found a flaw in the browser.
DV Labs/Tipping Point reported a flaw only five hours after Firefox 3.0 debuted. The flaw potentially lets an attacker take over a PC if a user clicks on a booby-trapped link.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Now I know why they call'em sloppy joes.... cover me

Lord please bless everyone that I know and will know. Let them know the peace and joy that I have in my heart right now, and always carry with me no matter what you've placed in front of me. Let them encourage, be fearless, focused and most importantly, let them know the love of a big bootied ho. Amen

It's my prayer, you pray how you want to.

With every sip of orange juice I take it feels like I'm drowning the little man that dances inside me. The one who carries a switchblade and has muddy boots on. He only speaks Creole and mostly to swear, but that's due to a nasty custody battle. He's not a drunk but always carries a thimble full of "The Shine" with him at all times. He swears he's killed a dragon but that never happened. He did wrestle with a really big chipmunk in front of a bunch of friends though. He would never hurt a fly, but loves to go chase down a deer, just to know he can. In his head is a song, probably something satanic but in his heart... well there's just love. Oops, I'm done with my OJ, he's dead.
Stop snitchin'! , sorry that phrase never ceases to be funny to me.
I've been pretty incognegro for the past couple of days, sorry. But now that I've settled back into to worry free life mode, I can get back to my muthaf*ckin' hustle. N*gga ask about me... I've been listening to a lot of Tha Carter III lately. I'm not sure if anyone knows this, but Lil' Wayne dissed Al Sharpton. But WHY?!

"Reverand Sharpton, you've been slandered on a rap artist's album. What do you want to say about that, what are you going to do?"
"You talkin' bout that gremlin with all the tattoos on his face? Tell the n*gga I liked 2 Live Crew when his momma was still complimenting his father's backseat." - Al Sharpton, this quote is not real, but could be.

When beautiful people cry angels come to them to take away pain. When ugly people cry I look away, looking at ugly people is how they caught ugly in the first place. Never look'em in the face, never.

There is a bald guy with an extremely hot Asian girlfriend that walks by me many times a day. I salute him and his joy. Every now and again, though the world is full of shenanigans, we see that there is some amount of joy at the bottom of this bag o $#!t. Remember him the next time you're stuck in traffic, you only get two packets of sauce for your 20 piece McNugget, or you just can't get your Internet to cooperate while you try and "bust one". Some people are happy.

There is a woman from Iraq sitting behind me, she makes one wrong move and I'll take her down. I'm no bigot, I just can't let my guard down, much love to all my middle eastern homies. There should only be a couple of you, to the rest I say "Keep your friends close enemies even closer"....

Ain't nothin sadder than hearing a Chinaman cry - Some racist

Open toed shoes are way too popular for a world where ugly feet are winning the war on the streets. Africans.


Monday, June 16, 2008

The weekend's a blur

Tyler, what did you do to celebrate your continued freedom and privilege to drive?
Well, inner-Tyler, it's funny you should ask cause I can hardly remember $#!t.

Friday I made a lil stop by Best Buy and picked up Tha Carter III, not as good as Tha Carter II but not many things are. Plus, that's the first time I can remember paying from music. I probably had that coming to me. Got a phone number that I never would've expected, SCORE. Then Nelson and I began a celebration that I can't really speak of. I think I passed out kinda early cause I had so much stuff to do the next day.

Saturday I woke up early for a lunch date, killed time beforehand by shopping. By the way, I can't say all the reasons but Friday was the best day of my life. If you're curious ask me and I'll glady run down the list face to face. I bought some new shoes, clothes, video games, then had to keep a promise to Momula that I'd made earlier in the week. Tuesday was her birthday so what son wouldn't take his family out to eat. I paid, first time I'd ever taken on that task and my family has some expensive tastes. My mother called me on being with my friend MJ, cause I was. I ordered Lobster Tails and an additional entree. It was obvious, but I was having a good ol' time spending money and stopping at home to "load up" every once and a while. I was prepared to take a very big step as an adult, that being going to the theater and seeing The Incredible Hulk by myself. I didn't because at the last minute a friend that also wanted to see it joined me, but by the time the movie was starting poor TRich was dead tired from all the doobie snacks, alcohol, and spending money. I had to bail on them after the first trailer. Thus, they ended up seeing it alone. Good times.

I woke up yesterday to bags of things I'd purchased on Saturday. Most of them being pleasant surprises, like new Air Max's and another copy of Fight Night Round 3, I broke the old copy. Once I saw the video game I didn't remember buying, I did the check "Wallet, Keys, chapstick" once I was certain I had the essentials I moved on with my day. I ordered Chinese Food, but right afterward Nelson arrived and we decided that 14 egg rolls would make for wonderful munchies. Of course, he made the call, I snickered behind him as he said "Yes, 14, that's what I said".... Good times. Which leaves at today...

I'm sipping Ginger Ale cause my body feels gross after celebrating all weekend. Can't wait to see what this week brings me. Should be interesting.


Friday, June 13, 2008


Just got out of traffic court, reckless driving, my lawyer told me that jail time was a pretty good possibility when driving 95 mph when the limit is 65. I don't know anyone that's gone to jail for speeding but a few people do.

My Lawyer did not show up to court, nor did he return my phone calls. I was trying to pay him yesterday and that's apparently not a good enough reason to call back. I thought I was pretty f*cked when I got to the courtroom.

The worst penalty: 12 months in jail, up to 12 months suspended license and $2500 in fees.

I got: (drum roll please) $250 fine. And, I never paid that expensive piece of $#!t lawyer... HA.

I'm going to Stu's house (if ever there was a reason to celebrate now is the time) then I'm going to see The Incredible Hulk! I may even have a lady friend join me instead of the normal "D*ck Sandwich" that is my friends joining me. I'm happy. And, my schedule is nice for the next month or so with more calls to make today. Hope everyone has a great, safe weekend!


Thursday, June 12, 2008

To catch a fish with a shoe

Let me start by saying that last night I went home and decided to rent two movies. The first was Jumper, it received terrible reviews so I did not expect much. The second was Strange Wilderness, Nelson and I were surprised to see this one on the screen at Blockbuster and even more shocked when the commercial ended with "Available Now in stores". We hunted down both movies, got our snackies and enjoyed some doobie snacks. Then it was "Movie Time" (around 1999, I bought my grandfather a remote that operated by voice. The only way that he could turn the TV, VCR and press play at the same time was to say "Movie Time". The contraption was terrible but expensive. He sat there just shouting "Movie Time" into the remote and it worked about 3 times out of 100. Good times) :

Jumper- I was incredibly surprised by how good this movie was. Don't worry about the plot, it'll do you no good to focus too hard on it. It did have a plot though but more importantly... seemingly non-stop "jumping"! I really can't say enough about it, they gave me what I thought it would be by looking at the previews. As long as it's what you expected how can you be disappointed.

Strange Wilderness- I cannot remember the last time I saw a movie that was worse than Strange Wilderness. I'm not exaggerating, it was by far "The Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen". If I saw you in Blockbuster and you were holding the box, contemplating whether it's worth your time or not, I would spend however much time it took convincing you to give it to me and let go lof that thought. I cannot believe that so many actors with great things in their credits would sign on for this movie after smelling the script, let alone reading it. I was so ashamed for them. I laughed 3 times throughout the entire movie, literally. To give an example of BJ of a movie it was, the characters meet a man named Dick and for a couple minutes said things like "Does your name get hard in the morning". I love Nelson to death but after several of those he actually laughed and all I could do was look at him with the biggest frown I've ever worn. P.S.- Steve Zahn is the star.... nuff said.

Ugg!!! That movie was some $#!t.... okay, I'm over it now.

I'm sure by now we've all heard about the Boy Scouts who were out in the forest with a Tornado. The only thing that went through my mind was, "Did the Scout leader's check the weather channel before they left? Cause Tornadoes don't have the tendency to sneak up on meteorologists"... Am I the only one?

Chris White's observations of the DC Comedy Fest 08 acts were pretty on point. We have a festival with our name on it, but no one from the area is is the festival. WTF?! I should have taken the Fowlest advice and j*rked off instead of submitting, I'd still have $25 bucks.

As I speak I'm inhaling a GIGANTIC brick of Rice Kripsy Treat. It goes down smooth and sweet, like a Twinkie, like a Twinkie.

The DMV should hand out Snickers when you come in. Not because you'll be waiting forever, but since they don't care about customer service, the least they could do is give me candy before they f*ck me.

Cubicles were not designed for personal conversations. All morning I've been listening to a friend go through a hard time with her fiancee and then act great as soon as the phone hangs up. I can't help but listen though cause she's right next to me. And I'm curious, sue me.... awkward.

As a father, if someone who looked like Lil' Wayne ever came to my door to pick up my daughter for a date I would stand there confused and continue to ask him for the address he was looking for. Eventually, he would figure out that he was at the correct address but there was no way that date was going down. Of course, he would pick my daughter up for a date cause rappers don't date, they skeet on 'em. Please God, don't make me the father of a baby girl.

Coldplay's album should be available today, "Are you still reading this dribble of a blog?! I just said Viva la Vida is available today!!!! Get out there and buy/download that, it's hot fire!"

Gotta go get mine, Laters

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Sometimes it's better to wait

Sorry, I was trying to be a "great" worker bee yesterday, so I didn't blog. As you can tell, everything's back to normal now. Where were we...

Spy Lounge was fun Monday, though I gained new appreciation for Eli's demeanor. I tried not to be a d*ck, but it was hot. Open mics aren't really that important, it's our training/meeting ground, so please don't read too much into this. Not everyone can show up 20 minutes before a show ends and expect to get on. I generally try to get to places a half an hour early cause I hate getting bumped for a more popular comic that strolls in. It's gonna happen sometimes, nothing you can do about it, but I try to put myself in the best position possible. But, on the side of those comics, it's okay for "a booker" to tell a late popular comic "sorry". Most times they'll understand.... right?

Atif has a blog... http://www.atifmyers.blogspot.com/ see Atif I spelled your name right....b*tch

I'm interested to know how many of you are writing jokes down in their entirety. I used to, and then I'd basically act it out like a script. In a way I guess that seems easier to me, cause now I write the gist of the idea down in my phone and kinda improv.

Young women....sigh. For the first time ever I felt like I was living Aparna's routine. A young woman I just met asked me why I travel a certain direction, I answered "I do comedy" (the response of a shy unfunny man). She said "That's weird, you don't strike me as funny".... what do I say to that? But, she digs me so... apparently women really don't want a funny man. Take notes kids.

Today I had a FUZE drink, the flavor is Strawberry Guava.... it tastes like someone ate Strawberry yogurt and spit it up into a glass. Go to the factory that bottles this crud and prove me wrong. My face looked like the man pictured above while attempting to swallow this $#!t.
On Monday morning I saw a man having a truly bad day. He had a car worse than mine and the headlight was dangling out. I was right next to him as he cruised down 95 and watched biting my lip while he slammed into the brand spankin' new Acura TL in front of him. The Acura calmly pulled to the shoulder and so did he. The man driving the Acura TL(I think the car is beautiful so I won't shorten it's name) was a LARGE ANGRY BLACK MAN. He was a SMALL PACIFIC ISLANDER (check the box) looking man. All that I saw as I pulled way off into the distance was the black guy get out of his car shaking his fists. That pacific islander is truly having a bad day.
Nothing feels better than hearing your boss tell you that you're getting a raise because the company has assessed outside companies' pay. Money for nothing, even if it's just a few pennies... that's my free penny b*tch. Oh yeah, the only thing better is when someone makes you a sandwich after "relations". Can't beat that.

I'll end this with a story about Africans. My friend Cassaundra and I were talking yesterday about men wearing sandals. I do not know why white men have embraced sandals, but that's not cool. If you're black and wearing sandals you are either gay or African. If you just said "But, I'm not African or gay" then you're gay. You'd know if you were African by now, I hope. Sidenote : She thinks black men look particularly good in a white tux but not if they're African. I'm sure we all have the image of a jet black man who's smile matches the tux. It's just not a good look and distracts whoever is looking at the wedding photo from the rest of the wedding party. We discussed how confident Africans are with their feet even though they have the worst feet in the world. She went into a story of the lone African woman in our section. She told me she was in the bathroom and dropped her cell phone.... poo texting, it's common. When she reached down she couldn't help but notice the ASHIEST feet, heels and ankles she'd ever seen. She immediately knew that it was my co-worker. When she left the stall they spoke and sure enough it was her. Identified by ashiness. Damn.

Well, I'm out, I'll see you guys at Wiseacres if you'll be there.


Monday, June 09, 2008

I've cried harder.... after "the deed"

The weekend was busy but I guess, overall, fun. Let's have a little run-down:

Friday: Stayed in cause I had to get up early. That night's kind of a blur.... I think anyone that knows me can guess why.

Saturday: Had to race over to Manassas and take driver improvement class. I was a few minutes behind schedule and ended up walking up to the door about 6 minutes late. I was worried that I would get turned around for being late, which means I wasted $60. As I walk through the door the instructor has his back turned to me but looked oddly familiar. I thought "Is that Andy?" as soon as he spun around a giant grin came to my face, Andy Kline was my instructor. Not like he was gonna give, or need to give, me special privileges but it was a HUGE coincidence. It was boring, but that's the point, it's a punishment. I think the best part of it was getting to hear from Andy a lot about life in New York. As much as we all want to believe that "making it" is a step by step process, it was described more like a walk through the forest. Just cause you took a step and there was solid ground, does not mean that you aren't headed for a ditch. I hope that makes sense, but there were incredible things that happened to him and there were things that let you reality check yourself and say "Wow, I thought at that point you'd be on your way to fame". It was cool.

I had tacos which came back to haunt me several times throughout the evening.

The show was fun, I kinda sucked a big one but I'm over that now. Much thanks to John McBride, Hampton, Andy Kline, Bryson Turner, Jon Mumma and Larry Poon. Those guys did great and luckily, the door is open for at least one more show. So, I look forward to the day when I can announce the next show. It will be nice have notice and see how much we can pack that place. I don't think we did bad for one week notice, we sold a little under 60 tickets.... I'll take that.

It is f*ckin' hot outside. I hate the sun. Praises to the wolf.

Yesterday I received this text message, "Come by the house and see the baby", to which I replied "Is this Michelle?". Here's the next one "No, it's Josh".... that's right a man beaming with pride about his newborn son sent that to me. And at the very moment lost his testicles. For shame, but I went cause that's my friend. I was unaware that white children go cross eyed non-stop when they first bust into this mutha. Now I know, it was pretty creepy. I felt like I was playing an old Garafalo stand up special in my mind. Cause while I was made to sit through slide shows and things I really don't like kids. When asked to hold the new baby, which I hoped wouldn't come up, I had an awkward "I'm gonna pass". To make things worse his sister's family stopped by and I realized how much discipline little children need. They let this two year old, who is cool, run all over them. If I were a cousin I wouldn't have thought twice to rip that @ss to pieces. It's not my job to tell someone how to raise their children, but at one point the kid ruined my chances at Rock Band. That was enough, I shouted "Doesn't anyone still believe in spankings anymore?!" everyone agreed they were necessary, but no one spanked the kid. That's about as obvious as a hint is gonna get.

I watched Semi-Pro when I returned home.... not a fan. They dropped the f-bomb a lot... a lot for a Will Ferrell movie. His normal f-count is 0, if I had to guess, I'd say this one was 30.

I had the most painful haircut of my adult life yesterday. I actually cringed cause this guys was using a snow shovel on my neck. At least it felt like it, and he just kept going. I thought at one point I was going to have to stop him, instead I let him finish. And I'm sexy again, kinda looked like a slave for a minute there.

Nothing feels better than casually turning down plans with people, I've been really into that with just about everyone lately.

Eli won't be at the Spy Lounge tonight, so I will run it myself. The dark days have begun, not really. We need to have such a great show that next Monday when he returns every one's says "You missed the mother of all open mics last week Eli. You're a bad luck charm and we don't like your face..." Maybe not the second part but you get what I'm saying.

Tyler S., The Fowlest (Jermaine is moving in less than a month... TRich sad) and I will begin shooting a film called "N*gga Fist". What more can I say, sigh, I'll let you know when we're done. Chris White's got to put that on the main page right?

I've watched more people than I can count pay for their groceries in Food stamps and then get in a nicer car than me. What does that mean?!

See you guys tonight and we'll do this thing again on Poosday.


Friday, June 06, 2008

News that makes you laugh.... and stand still

Old man, car, bystanders... does the J-man (Jesus) deliver on Thursdays or what?

WHO SAW Andy Haynes crush last night on Last Comic Standing?! Disgusting thing is, they picked other people.... D*cks.

A disturbing surveillance video showing an elderly man getting hit by a car and then being ignored by bystanders has shocked — and shamed — many in Hartford, Conn.
An elderly man is hit by a car on a crowded street -- and no one stops to help.
Angel Arce Torres, 78, was trying to cross the street when a Honda plowed into him, sending him flying and leaving him lying crumpled and bleeding in the middle of the street. The driver of the car did not stop; but, even more disturbingly, passing cars and people on the sidewalk nearby did nothing to help Torres.
As Torres lay in the street, nine cars passed him without stopping. More than 40 seconds went by before anyone even stepped off the sidewalk to get a closer look. But no one went over to Torres' body to try to help or even divert traffic.
Finally, after about a minute and a half, a police car responding to a different call happened upon the scene and an ambulance was called.
The accident occurred last Friday, but Hartford's police chief released the traffic surveillance video on Wednesday, hoping to get information on the hit-and-run driver and make an arrest.
Chief Daryl Roberts also expressed outrage in a news conference Wednesday, saying "we no longer have a moral compass."
It's a clear indication of what we have become when you see a man laying in the street, hit by a car and just drive around him," Roberts said.
On Thursday, Roberts did say that four people called 911 after the accident.
Don't Want to Get Involved
Park Street, where Torres was hit, is part of a notorious high-crime area, with many residents unwilling to help police or be labeled a "snitch" by others.
People in the neighborhood struggled to explain why no one helped a seriously injured elderly man.
"This area here is hot, a lot of bad stuff," one man who declined to give his name told ABC News. "I gotta go now."
When asked why people wouldn't call for help, he said, "If you want to, but you're involved then."
Randy Cohen, who writes "The Ethicist" column for the New York Times, says a kind of herd mentality can take over during stressful situations or when someone needs help.
"When you are part of a group of people and you observe someone in need, there's a crisis, it's very difficult to get the first person to act," Cohen said.
Torres is reportedly in critical condition at Hartford Hospital.
Torres' son, Angel Arce Torres Jr., refuses to watch the video. "I can't see it," he said. "Even if you see a dog or an animal out in the street, you help them. And that hurts."

Thursday, June 05, 2008

The Convo

Bryson, Mumma, Poon!!!!!... oh yeah, me too. How does it not make you think of the first time you saw Winnie the Pooh. It's priceless (though the State Theater has managed) but you can attend for 10 smackeroos. And more? Yes, even more comedy.... you'll have to show up to find out who.

Happy Hersday again, and there's Carl giving some sensual guitar. "Widdily Widdily Widdily Wa!!!"

Yesterday I watched Disney-Pixar's Cars.... still my least favorite of the the Pixar involved movies. Owen Wilson and Larry the Cable Guy, best friends.... ooops, I peed a little.

If I hear another person mimic Carlos Mencia's "De de de", I will $#!t.

Kit-Kat has a new Bar.... wait for it... New! Kit-Kat Extra Crispy. Basically a d*ck in a red wrapper that tastes like Kit-Kat. When I said d*ck, I meant it. It's pretty huge, and stacked like the pyramids, I got plans for this thing later. I'm gonna lure a child into traffic with it. Score.

I accidentally told me old boss, in passing, that I think he's a NY Giants' maniac. I'd heard that he got a tattoo of the Giants but didn't see it until today. Walking by, we say hello for the first time in two months (first time spotting each other) and I had to see this thing. He was showing to Asian women, old Asian women, around but didn't hesitate to bust that puppy out for me. I expected it to be a massive football player wearing a Giants' uniform, eating the heart of a Patriot (the solider not the team) and spread all across his back. He he lifted his sleeve and it was just a helmet, I laughed hard. I'd braced myself for nothing, then explained why it was so funny and he laughed too. He's moved from "The Fan" to Super Fan in my book. What's the difference? A Super Fan can provide for his family while expressing his love. The other, well, generally winds up in prison.

How does every unattractive woman manage to sound so enticing on the phone?! It's recockulous.

Is anything worse than passing the same person everyday who says "Good morning ____", but you never took the time to learn their name.

Most people's desks are cluttered with giant binders that they never actually open or realize are there. Yet, as soon as you touch one they "need" them. I've been giving some consideration to running up on someone's desk and trying to sniggity snatch one. I won't though, cause I like being employed.

Out of 7 people in my team, 3 came to work today. "Over some f*ckin' rain and not having power... really?!" How lucky everyone is that I have no power yet. Cause that's when I call SHENANIGANS, you need to use leave cause some water blew through at a nice pace. Throw on a rumpled shirt and let's go. This work ain't gonna f*ck itself out of bed... "what?" You heard me.

"And he never paid for drugs... not once"- Tim Meadow from Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

That was the best part of that movie. But if you love John C. Reiley like I do. Don't see this movie. Terrible.

Praise be to the wolf.


Wednesday, June 04, 2008

I started the day by pouring gasoline on myself :(

The most impressive magic trick I can think of would involve someone flipping a half-dollar using only their butt cheeks. Imagine the strain it would take, the veins....

I was a huge fan of MADtv from the start so I'm really excited to be hosting for Bryan Callen in July at the Drafthouse. Yay!

That's an exploded Bicep everyone.... hehehe gross.

When Jermaine, Keith (he used to be a comedian, get it.... he stopped) and I went to New York in November, we had a question asked by a producer for NBC. She asked the 70+ people in the room who came the furthest, the winner got the first season of Heroes. I love Heroes, and came all the way from Virginny. A fat girl (ouch, you could have called her something else), says she's from Ohio. I don't care about actual miles, how is Ohio further than Virginia from Times Square?! The room took a vote and people voted for Ohio, WTF?! For some reason the frustration of losing that DVD set just came back to me minutes ago. F*ck Ohio, I passed through there on the way to Michigan and I gotta tell you "Welcome Travis, Bryson, Eli and anyone else that manages to escape". I should track down that fatty and get what's mine. How many fat girls can Ohio hide?

A black guy dating this Chinese girl on my floor attempts to look hard whenever he comes to see her.... someone should whisper in his ear "you smell of rice, and the sea". I know what you're thinking, it doesn't have to make sense. Cause I'm beautiful.

People that let their children get fat should be arrested and have the child taken away. Chances are that they're fattening up the kid to eat it anyway. Children are delicious, especially with a golden brown crust and gravy... or, so I've heard.

Doing someone else's work all morning sucks. Especially when it's way more of a work load then they normally do. Nathalie, I hate you.

My allergies were "off the chain" yesterday, so today I look like Swamp Thing. It's pretty gross, my eyes are swollen like bees just kept stinging me in the face. And, true story, every hot girl in the building seems to be crossing my path or stuck in an elevator with me.... on today of all days. Perhaps my metamorphosis will impress them when I return to normal.

Dear Hilary Clinton,

Your behavior is as offensive as what time has done to your face. You told the world that if you won the nomination you wouldn't run with Obama. Now, you expect to be treated with a kindness that you can't even muster?! You are a beastly woman and the death of freedom.


William Clinton

I received that e-mail earlier. Wrong address.

Do not call Blaire Postman and ask if you are in the 2008 DC ComedyFest. I did that literally a few minutes ago and she was quite unpleasant. Apparently, I'm not the only person who's curious. I don't know why I hold out hope, deep down I know she won't pick me. It actually upset me a couple years back. In retrospect, I definitely wasn't ready, might not be now. But, I think that if you call something "Virginia Comedy Festival" you should live in Virginia. I understand that sometimes the world can't be perfect. But, if you don't live there then chances are you go by tape, or you ask someone. If someone asked about our scene, they're sure to hear a couple name (cause people d*ck ride, I guess) Tim Miller, Seaton, Poon ..... but what about the rest? Will Hessler's funny, just starting to get his due, but might get left out. Comedy clubs should be no different. If I ran an Improv (let's say DC, WINK) , I would get out to a couple open mics every once and a while. To see for myself what's going on, who's funny? I wouldn't want people brought to me, cause Tyler Richardson might bring Jermaine Fowler when Haywood is funny as hell. Get my point, but the world isn't perfect so I'm just bitchin'..... sigh. I'm still gonna cross my fingers on the DC ComedyFest, but seriously "Who the f*ck is Tyler Richardson?!"

I had a lot of lasagna last night, which is why I can't stay out of the toilet today. Yep, that's my Wednesday.

I still smell like gasoline. Short story; I was pumping my gas this morning and saw that my Corolla was about to go over the $45 to fill er up mark. Yanked that bad boy out of my gas tank and forgot that I set the thingy to fill up. So, gasoline just started pouring on leg. I smell like gasoline.

Everyone keeping score? I look like $#!t, I can't stop $#!tting, I smell like $#!t and Blaire Postman kinda yelled at me.... yet still I'm smiling. Joy is inside, it doesn't matter what happens outside. Now go out there and be somebody.


Tuesday, June 03, 2008

There's no z in sleep

Tony G./Larry Poon gave me the best advice I've received yet about comedy. More specifically about me, but it involved comedy. "You need to get out more, don't treat it like a hobby. Get out and say your routine so many times you hate to hear it. I don't ever see you." That was probably back in October/November, I think that's almost a perfect quote. The question that brought his response on was "Why can't I get any love in the D.C. area? Everywhere else is cool and the people are supportive but when I come home I get ignored." Basically, I just didn't feel I was getting my due. Not to say that I'm hot $#!t now, "Who the f*ck is Tyler Richardson", but I feel like a part of our community instead of an onlooker or someone relatively new to the scene. I was talking to someone last night at the Spy Lounge, big ups to Eli, and we talked about taking a break. For me, a Tuesday and Thursday are a great break, for him a few weeks was a break. A lot can happen in a few weeks, people can go from talking about how funny Bryson is, to pole riding Travis Irvine. It happens, much love (I always laugh when people say "Much love") to Bryson and Travis.

I have a guest spot left at the State Theater, so if there is any comic with nothing to do on Saturday night..... what are you waiting for? Email me at devohaven@gmail.com if you're interested. We all gotta help each other out, right?

Someone left a Mickey keychain with a giant "D" on my desk. When I sat down it was the first thing I noticed, cause it was beautiful. I hope she has low self image...

I've put a review of Grayskull: Masters of the Universe Script Review at the bottom of the blog. I don't really think most people are ready to admit they're a geek deep down, but for everyone else....a real HE-MAN movie is coming!

When a fine woman starts to electric slide in the cafeteria, I've learned that an easy way to meet her is to just jump in. That happened.

I went down to the nurses office, and I'm pretty sure that she was looking at my eyes like I was high. I was there to get Claritin, since my allergies are gang raping me right now. Do most people just let the snot and boogers dangle from their face where everyone can see? Cause every time I head to the bathroom with my hand on my face, some one asks me "What's wrong, nosebleed?" No, I didn't want you to be jealous with all the nose candy I got.

Jake Gyllenhaal is playing the Prince of Persia.... ???!!! A white man is playing the prince of PERSIA!!! This is the same as the white Jesus pictures. What's next, a remake of Roots starring Michael Douglas?

On my way out last night a child was coming up the steps as I went down. This happened to me...

Random 8 or 9 year old: Hey, can I have some money to go buy some ice cream and candy?

Me: Sorry kid, I don't carry cash... (as I make my way down the stairs he turns around and jumps down the stairs, over me, landing in front of me)

Random kid: (has his hands across the rails blocking me from walking past) Why your pockets keep jingling then?

Me: (Stern tone, this kid just called BS on me) I don't kow kid, I've got a lot of keys in my pockets.

The end, then I called Nelson to laugh for a while over the fact that this kid called me out. Classic.

Alright, now for the read of a lifetime, here is Latinoreview.com's review of the script for


review by By El Mayimbe , script by Justin Marks

He reformed VOLTRON, put the Green Arrow in SUPERMAX, and now Justin Marks has the power of GRAYSKULL: THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE!El Mayimbe here, hope everyone had a great weekend.Since I read SUPERMAX (which IESB broke today as now being known as GREEN ARROW) a short while ago, I wondered whatever happened to Justin Marks HE-MAN. The deal was announced in Variety back in May of 2007. Well, last week, actually a year to the day the deal was announced, Justin Marks finally delivered his draft. In the words of Ain't-It-Cool-News Moriarty, Justin Marks is easily “the most gainfully employed professional fanboy on the planet right now.”

I managed to get a hold of the script on Friday and actually cancelled my plans that night in order to read it.What’s the verdict?

Regardless of the post apocalyptic Earth controversy, I liked what Marks did in Voltron. He then knocked it out the park with Supermax, but folks, I am here to tell both you and MOTU fans – Justin Marks has delivered his fanboy masterpiece!I absolutely fucking loved GRAYSKULL. THE BEST SCRIPT MARKS HAS WRITTEN YET.There have been a lot of rumors on the net circling Grayskull’s development process and please trust me when I tell you, DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE! It’s all bullshit.GRAYSKULL is LORD OF THE RINGS meets THE MATRIX and a little BATMAN BEGINS thrown in for good measure.The script takes place in Eternia, not a middle Earth on Earth. It’s a hard and edgy PG-13 tinkering on a R. The script has ZERO CAMP or CHEESINESS. NO FUCKING ORKO EITHER! The writer takes the MOTU mythology very seriously. Whatever made the cartoon corny is not in here at all. In fact, there is not a single beat of comedic relief in the script.What is GRAYSKULL about? We get both the origin of HE-MAN (or HE-MAN BEGINS), the origin of SKELETOR, and the origin of THE POWER SWORD. If Warners even remotely executes this script like they did 300 they will have a monster hit on their hands because this script leaves it open for a trilogy.

GRAYSKULL is the perfect marriage of Sorcery and Science fiction where in Eternia both Fantasy and Technology co-exist. The character arc of the hero ADAM works for me because like Bruce Wayne in BATMAN BEGINS, Adam has to overcome his selfish need for revenge and realize his destiny for the greater good of his people – the fallen son of Eternia must rise to occasion and become HE-MAN.Ok, so let’s get right to it because I know you folks are here for the details.Before the credits we get this kick ass opening prologue narrated by EVIL-LYN.Four thousand years go in the workshop of Eternus we open on the powerful hands of a blacksmith forging steel from a raging fire. The hands raise the finished SWORD, an amazing mix of katana and high tech. It generates an OUTWARD LIGHT.At the beginning of time, the blacksmith Eternus forged the Sword Of Light, a blade so beautiful that its spark created all life as we know it. After the blacksmith saw what perfection he’d built, he tried in vain to duplicate his mold. Eventually he fell into madness. Angered by his failure, he forged one last blade before he died. The mirror opposite of its original. The Sword of Darkness.Instead of light, a dark void burns deep into the surface of this blade. Haunting and ominous.We are next in an epic battlefield on Eternia.Both blades, being born of magic gave amazing powers to anyone who held them. And so they were sought after.On a hilltop plateau, a colossal army marches with enough feet to rattle the earth. Thousands of soldiers, all clad in high-tech battle gear. Think of something out of feudal Japan but poly-alloy and with a hint of alien texture.Over thousands of years, the swords faced each other army times…

The leader of the army, a king we will come to know as GRAYSKULL (40s), stands at the front and raises the Sword of Light, which bathes his army in a majestic light. On the other of the battlefield: a different army emerges from the fog. Dark and intimidating. Monstrous, snarling BEASTS, augmented by a complex nano-technology that fuses their bodies with mechanical parts. Half monster, half machine. Their leader, a creature masked in thick armor, lifts up the Sword of Darkness. It spreads a black cloud over the army, fueling their bizarre technology with energy.…until one battle changed it all.On Grayskull’s side, the soldiers’ battle armor suddenly grows around them like a mechanical shell, encasing their bodies in a high tech metal poly-alloy. On the other side, the snarling beasts rise up, their hydraulic parts expanding and enhancing their size. The two armies run straight at each other and clash violently. Awesome advanced warfare. Mix high tech, swords, and otherworldly creatures and you have a sense of what Eternia’s all about.King Grayskull squares off against the other leader. During the fight, he manages to defeat him and cause him to drop the Sword of Darkness. Grayskull picks it up and suddenly the two swords begin to fuse together.It was King Grayskull who first realized that to stop a war between two sides, you had to bring them together.Metal wrapping around, metal, sparks flying, like a fusion reaction, coils winding down the blades and suddenly and finally nestling at the handle which King Grayskull raises in the air creating a blinding light that spreads over the battlefield. Soldiers on both sides stop fighting and watch in awe.In that moment, light and darkness combined to form a life-giving magic, subjugating everyone under it’s incredible power. So long as the king lived, Eternia never saw another war again.We are next in a private chamber, where the much older King Grayskull lies on his death bed, surrounded by well-wishers.But when his end came, his inner circle feared what no successor would be able to honor the balance the king had created.Next at a table in the Hall of Wisdom (an ancient temple marked with stone ornamentation), a sacred site, sit six warriors. They are identified by ancient tribal tattoos on their faces. They surround the two swords wrapped in silk.Six warriors, endowed with the magic of the blades, were trusted with separating them and burying each in a secret location. They were called the Masters of the Universe…Three masters take one blade, three take the other. They embrace each other and go separate ways.…and they took these secrets to their graves. For several generations the swords have remained hidden until now.

In present day Eternia at the Sands of Fire, EVIL-LYN (30s) a gorgeous seductress with the same markings all over her face that the Masters wore, has found the location of the Sword of Darkness.Her companion, obscured in shadow and wearing a heavy hood, scans the terrain. His name is KELDOR (40s).Keldor reaches for the sword. As his fingers touch it he suddenly undergoes a euphoric vision of dark wonders and endows Keldor with all terrifying forces of black magic. Keldor’s hands wither at the touch of this power. His skin begins to erode. Flesh turns to tissue and then to bone. Soon the sensation spreads to his arms, his shoulders, his face…literally tearing the skin from his bone. He madly clings to the blade as we smash to the main title card GRAYSKULL: MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE.

Weeks later, we are at Capitol City, the center of civic life in Eternia. A stunning achievement of a civilization that incorporates advanced technology and magic. At the Royal Palace, a colossal celebration is underway – the Anniversary of the Great Unrest commemorating Grayskull’s victory many centuries ago. YOUNG ADAM ( 14) is there – dirty blonde with striking blue eyes. He’s the kind of tough kid who acts first and thinks later. He is there with his father KING RANDOR (50s) –the kind of man you’d have to spend a lifetime living up to. They have a father son moment where Randor tells his son Adam that a true leader brings their people together, whatever their differences. Adam tells his dad that he is not that man. Randor looks down at Adam sadly and wonders if he ever will be.

Meanwhile, at the gates of the Royal Palace, two soldiers walk the palace grounds as fireworks explode in the sky. The first, with a face that has seen the horrors of war and yet still stays above it is GENERAL DUNCAN aka MAN-AT-ARMS (40s). The second is just as tough with battle scars all over his body – KRONIS (30s). Let’s just say Kronis betrays Duncan, knocks him out, and opens the palace gates. A heavy black mist pours through the opening.Kronis and several Eternian guards stage a coup and try to kill King Randor. King Randor puts up a fight and evens the odds.A terrifying and powerful presence enters wearing THE CHROME MASK OF A SKULL, clad in armor, a hood over his head, the Sword of Darkness mounted on his back, the man formerly known as Keldor……now known as SKELETOR.

Kronis fires a huge blast at Randor who drops to his knees. Randor tells Adam to run. Randor uses what strength he has left and slices KRONIS across the face who screams out and falls backward. MOTU fans know that Kronis will become TRAP-JAW. Skeletor stands over a weakened Randor then he suddenly plunges the Sword of Darkness into Randor’s back, killing him for good – our inciting incident. Adam watches in horror, tears forming in his eyes. Adam escapes and Skeletor gives the order to his goons to kill Adam.

Man At Arms helps Adam escape and instructs him to go to the frontier until the time is right. Skeletor’s dark army lays siege to Captiol City and it falls tragically like Troy.Adam makes it to the edge of the frontier and collapses beside a cluster of trees on top of a hill. A FALCON perches itself on a branch above him. Majestic, dignified, mysterious . Wind picks up in the clattering of branches, we begin to hear a voice, speaking in a whisper, manipulating the sound of the leaves to shape a language. The voice of the SORCERESS. She tells Adam that his time is not over and shows him his future. Suddenly, a violent gust of wind tears the leaves from the branches and causes them to float freely in the air, forming the image of CASTLE GREYSKULL.A beautiful stone structure surrounded by a precipice. Epic in detail and a front face which resembles a GIANT SKULL, complete with a raised drawbridge where the mouth would be. The wind ceases. The leaves fall to the ground. Then the falcon spreads it wings and takes flight.

Days later, in a dust storm, Adam is rescued by ZODAK (40s) wearing heavy animal hides and high-tech gear strapped across his chest. A powerful black man, an experienced warrior. Across Zodak’s face and arms are several mystical tattoos similar to what the Masters wore earlier. Zodak belongs to the Order of the Masters. Protectors of the legacy of Greyskull.

For the next 10 pages or so, reminiscent of Batman Begins, Adam gets mentored by Zodak for the next seven years and turns the pampered 14yr old Prince Adam into a 21 yr old bad ass warrior. We get some more cool backstory which I prefer not to spoil. Basically, Adam has to prove himself worthy of the Sword of Light and to use the power of the Sword to create balance, to fight for something greater than himself. We find out that Keldor/Skeletor was actually King Randor’s brother…Adam’s uncle.We also find out that the Sorceress is the only surviving member of the original Six Masters of the Universe. Now she is the protector of Castle Greyskull. If Adam can get the Sorceress to unlock the Sword of Light, he will be able to stand up to his uncle and take back Eternia. But first, Adam has to prove himself worthy and find Castle Greyskull which is well hidden. So the script also throws in a treasure hunt for good measure and executed perfectly.The Masters once spoke about the Legend of the He-Man. A fallen son who would find the Sword of Light and unify his kingdom. Will Adam fulfill his destiny?

Well, I guess we are going to have to wait and see what Warner Brothers decides to do. I hope to God they make this because you can see the effort it took over a year to complete this draft. The script is lean, mean, got no fat, no camp or cheese and is full of story and action. A special effects house is going to have a field day with the set pieces and battles that take place throughout the story. Like I said earlier, Warners executes this remotely like 300 – they have a monster hit and a potential franchise on their hands. My sources tell me the young execs behind Grayskull are MOTU fanboys that are passionate about this project and are really trying hard to take this to the next level.Ok, so Silver Pictures took a bit of a hit with Speed Racer, so what? Silver Pictures has in their possession, a script that lays out the blueprint for a movie that is guaranteed to be a fanboy classic. All that made He-man corny, even that forgettable Dolph Lundgren movie is not here. MOTU fans get the movie they have been wishing for over 25 years. I got some bad news folks, unfortunately, pertaining to HE-MAN, since Silver took a hit with Speed Racer, Warners has been unresponsive to Silver projects.Hands down folks, Justin Marks listened to the fanboys and wrote the next potential Lord of the Rings. Mr. Silver, Mr. Horn, and Mr. Robinov, I hope you are reading this. You would be insane not to at least look at this. Give this script to any creative exec in their early 30s at the studio and I dare you guys to tell me that I’m dead wrong about Grayskull.

Anyway, in spite of the writer’s strike, this has so far been a damn good year for scripts and GRAYSKULL: THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE is already and easily in my top five. I would spoil a lot more but I hope the groundwork I presented today gets all you fans excited. It would be a disservice to spoil more but I leave you with this, the supporting characters.Along with SKELETOR and EVIL-LYN, the bad guys are TRAP-JAW, TRI-KLOPS (Skeletor’s main henchman), and BEAST MAN. Skeletor’s evil cat PANTHOR is in here too.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Feel the sweet embrace of Satan's hoof!

Monday. Monday 6/2/08. Monday's make me sad. Traffic sucked something tenacious this morning. Where the f*ck did that come from? Don't people take three day weekends anymore? B*tches.

To the left is the now infamous picture of the alien that is peeping around in Colorado. Why is it hard for people to believe that we aren't they only things in the universe? Who says aliens can't look like Nerf balls? We keep putting them in movies to look like gray people.... then again, Jesus keeps getting painted as a white man. In Jerusalem? C'mon.

Played Grand Theft Auto IV for the first time in weeks yesterday. I was doing good for about an hour, then Kevin came home. Kevin's my roommate and friend. Kevin beat the game already, so when I asked him how far he was, I expected somewhere close to me.... I was wrong. Right after he told me he beat the game I stopped playing. But, I did spank that @ss in Virtua Tennis 3.

Maybe it's the greenery, but I've written so many jokes out this weekend I feel good. I even took the time to flesh out some of the premises that I had in my phone. If you went to my notes all you would see is the line "Wet nightmare".... what the f*ck is that supposed to mean?

When God and the Devil shook hands once, way back in the day, the sweat from their palms made an Icee. That is why their so delicious, and yes, that's why they last 1 minute before they evaporate.

Coldplay was on the MTV Movie Awards last night. That is all, just thought you'd want to know when awesome things happened.

When Jesus was 110 he cut down a mighty oak

He danced and he laughed and cracked open a brew and threw it down his throat

But the Jerusalites cried "Christ, take it easy you know you're a lush"

But Christ doesn't like counters, and really hates b*tchin' so he turned that town to mush

He grew like the Hulk and smashed down a church but stopped when he saw what he'd done

He weeped for a moment, what had he become, a monster... then he spotted a child

Bright eyed and Palestinian, the boy walked up close and stood there to hold out a thumb

Jesus pet his head and wiped the boys tears, "Is that smudge over there your parent's?"

But he already knew, and what could he do?

The boy was an orphan now, so Christ gave him a hug, a high-five, then SNAP...

To irresponsible to tend to a young child's needs, the sweet Lord shattered his spine in three

Thus, the tales of the Blood Christ ring forth, and with every Christmas

The Hunger Grows, more.... and more.

When is the last time you read so truly blasphemous $#!t? I bet it's been a while. Notice it's in red letters like the new testament. Relax though, God has a great sense of humor. We're boyz (notice the z), besides, he let me pay for Freddy Got Fingered....

Gotta go get some nourishment, but maybe I'll be back to blog later.... (Is he joking?)


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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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