A suspect taken under arrest for robbing a bank at dickpoint...

The following was brought to you by the letter Q, because q is the ugliest letter in the alphabet.

Is it Thursday already, last time we did this dance you were only about 115 lbs. I remember you smelled like a bloody nose, cause you were on the rag. God, you were still beautiful though, we must’ve kissed for 10 minutes before I earned my red wings. What was that song playing? Oh yeah, Salt Shaker by the Ying Yang Twins… ah, we were wild girl. My father freaked when he saw the back seat completely covered in blood like it was. How else are you supposed to know to grab a towel without trial and error? He started calling the cops and screaming “What have you done?! You’re going to the rape house boy, why God why? Does your blood lust know end?! Where the f*ck is the body Tyler, where the f*ck is the body?! Did you eat the evidence?! Oh God, you’re developed a taste for blood and there’s no turning back now. Did you come here to kill me now? Go on, DO IT!!! I’m not your real father, you’re mother dumped you on me after that loser Tron left her full of his seed. Go on you animal, pull the trigger! I just wish I could’ve made love to Steve one more time…” The old man was as nutty as squirrel $#!T but I still wish he hadn’t committed suicide once he found out that was your blood. Ah, to be young…memories.

Baltimore Comedy Factory, tonight through Saturday. Have I mentioned Erin Jackson will be there?

I called my mother’s house two days ago and left a message for her with my sister. “Tell Mom that I need money and to give me a call…” Truthfully I didn’t really need money and told my sister not to tell her that it was a lie. That was Tuesday, this morning on my way to work I got a call. “I hear you’ve been trying to get in touch with me…” She heard that I needed money and this was the urgency she had shown to return the call. “Mom, I don’t really need money (She replied “Of course you don’t, you have a good job” to which I said “But I can always use more… give it to me”) but you’ve failed the motherly love test… I demand an increase in the will” There really wasn’t more to the conversation because I was arriving at work, but I’ll keep you posted on that will. Pay the man…

The following just took place, in the workplace:
Mission: Sexual Harassment
TRich: Hey Cassaundra.
Cass: Yesss…
T: Sex Fight!
C:… What?
T: Never mind.
End

Jake and Tyler have a new open mic in the Ol’ Comedy Spot, who doesn’t get misty eyed thinking of the old open mic. I remember good times, my comedy probably sucked twice as much as now but they were good times darn it. It starts at 7:30, forgive me if it’s actually later but I’m too lazy to go to my GMail right now… here http://www.tdcpresents.com/ I know its on there and if you are considering going now you can get it straight from the horse’s mouth.

If you have not read the DCComedy4Now interview with Jimmy Merritt, I forgive you. Now go: http://www.dccomedy4now.blogspot.com/ and find it (it was very recent), celebrate someone who hustled his behind off and put in work. I’m ecstatic for Jimmy and his accomplishments, he is determined and persistent. He took me on my first “real” drive for comedy. And I had a blast at the 955 comedy club, which led to meeting Odyssey Michaels, which led to Funnybone happenings and a lot of friends. He’s down to earth and quite simply “good people”. Wish him luck on his college tour, “Here’s to not coming home Jimmy… for a while anyway.”

I’m done eating Bacon, Egg and Cheese sandwiches made at work. They give me the $#!Ts and the ghost of Christmas Past won’t leave me alone while I work.

It is 11:15 am, I’ve done zero work since 9:30 am. What the f*ck have you done lately? (Gotta love the movie WANTED, Mr. Timnus rocks)

New scent: Dolce & Gabbana The One. Gentlemen, if we don’t show women the definition of sexy how will they ever know if falls right above Seychelles. Which means island group W Indian Ocean NE of Madagascar ∗ Victoria (on Mahé Island) area 107 square miles (277 square kilometers), population 75,876; formerly a British colony, a republic in the Commonwealth of Nations since 1976. I only felt it necessary to give that to you because it took me about 15 minutes to search what comes after sexy in Merriam- Webster’s Dictionary. Oh my God, I’m wasting my life… in 15 minute increments.

I’m pretty hoooongray (hungry) so I’m gonna go make some room for food (…?) and then it’s off to fill the tank. Now don’t think this hasn’t been a little slice of heaven… cause it hasn’t.

Peaces

It's snowing and I'm being held prisoner... at work

Well since Spy Lounge was cancelled last night I went out and put myself in situations where being mugged was of high probability. “Excuse me Spanishes, could you tell me where the nearest Citibank ATM is? I’ve got all this cash on me and it’s uncomfortable to sit… dang it, now I’ve gone and dropped all of my credit cards.”

Quick note: Baltimore Comedy Factory this Thursday 1/29- Saturday 1/31 opening for Don Jamieson with feature Erin Jackson! JAM!!

Mickey Rourke was offered $250,000 to play the villain in Iron Man 2. Not that I care but that’s pretty insulting for someone who looks at that amount like I frown upon being given a penny. I hate pennies.

What is it about small talk that people are so drawn to? I generally run from it, but yesterday I got caught in quite a few situations that call upon a little. One involved a “big” woman, one involved a guy (having a wenis is bad enough but then wanting to talk to another wenis) and the last one was someone who wanted me to join them on a ride to “smoke me out” (okay, the last one was a Godsend… even though he had a wenis).

I’ve wanted to get in a fight for sometime now and feeling like I’m a little buffer certainly doesn’t help that urge go away. I think when enough time goes by without a physical altercation perhaps we forget what it’s like to really be in a fight. When is the last time somebody punched you in the face, really f’n hard? Well Saturday I got a pretty good reminder of why people need to talk their differences out… I was raped. No insertion mind you, but it was about as emasculating as I can imagine. It starts with a big brute named David, my friend. While at my friend Josh’s house for his birthday party we just got done having a conversation that was too boring too remember, the quiet before the storm. Then a playful shove from David, no reason he’s just a big guy that thinks that is funny, I shove back cause I’m no b*tch. Then comes the mush, I mush back, then David did something that caught me off guard… he hugged me and flung us both over a couch. It hurt and my knees were pressed the wrong way on the spine of the couch. Somehow David managed to wiggle out of the scuffle and get back on his feet and behind me, that’s when he grabbed my arms and held them behind my back. He is quite simply, a big dude, I was helpless and since no one was throwing a punch everyone let it go. That’s when the slow grinding started, he humped me for the better portion of 2 minutes… at least it felt like that long. I’ve heard time slows down when in middle of Rape City, now I know… it’s true. I let some time go by and took all the laughter then let David know why I’m similar to an elephant (I don’t actually have to say that “they never forget thing right? F*ck, just did), cause as soon as he got comfortable I kicked him in the d*ck. Then we went outside and smoked a cigarette. Grown ass boys…

Nelson has no idea why rape is so funny to me, he asked me about it the other day. I’m absolutely disgusted by people that feel like they are better than something, like poop jokes. If something isn’t your taste then don’t eat it, but don’t turn your nose up at others who find humor. I still laugh when I fart and probably always will, the day I outgrow that I hope to be dead. Besides, until I’m a convicted rapist I’ll laugh at whatever I like and I hope that other people aren’t allowing some f*ckin’ squares who live a joyless life to dictate what they laugh at. All of that anger isn’t/wasn’t directed at Nelson, but my whole life people have judge what I found funny and said you should joke about or laugh at “___”. To answer Nelson, I made another rape joke and laughed at his disgust. Boosh!

What happened to Sean Paul, you know the light skinned Jamaican? I hope he’s not doing what MC Hammer does, murder for hire.

I understand why I’m not someone’s boss yet, because when I just saw the snow outside I lost my mind momentarily. I had a daydream of throwing all of my clothes off and running bare back into the snow bank. Snow angels, snowmen, laughter, lewd public behavior towards children who are trying to play in the snow… it was magical. Eventually they have to let us out of here, I actually hydro(snowdrop)planed while turning into work this morning. Jesus please!

Dear Wolf,

It has been sometime since I openly went recruiting for your new servants of the darkness. I sincerely apologize but you’re aware that I recently had a hemorrhoid removed, it’s just as painful as it sounds. I have reason to believe that my employer will not let us go home until shortly before it’s our normal time to go home. For once, and you know I hate asking for favors, please just let me go home around the same time as all of my friends. This is recockulous, there is a snow man with my name on it being built right now. If I know Nelson he’s probably hollowing it out so I can get inside and “reveal” myself through the hole where the genitals should be… but this isn’t about that. I’ve called on the Lord to help out but understand he is not easily swayed by the requests of CHRONIC sinners. So, in the event that my cries go overlooked, please keep in mind that for some extra free time today I would gladly stab a hobo. Just the tip of the iceberg to show my appreciation, I know how much you despise the homeless “everybody wants a handout”. Here’s to attacking an innocent little girl with an ice ball made to look like a snowball. Praise be to the wolf…


24 was awesome last night, as usual… what the f*ck else would you expect me to say about Jack Bauer? I don’t want him to show up here at my job and kill me. Because Jack Bauer’s fist can kill through time and space… damn, he’s good.

I’m going to go and do some tiddling, which is my new word for work. Let us pray that they’ll be an entire snow day tomorrow for me to write all of the random sexy that crosses these brows.

An Anonymous Phone Call...

I’m almost afraid to write anything in this “journal” of mine for fear that the people who’ve just started reading will stop… but here’s something new for yuns to drink in while you’re trying to make it to Friday night. Whew, that was a long run-on sentence.

I have finally written some new jokes that I really want to run with. Had to sign my soul over to the devil to break the writer’s block. Kidding, I would never sign my soul over to continue writing $#!T, that’s a play on the bit. It deals with Satan and the contracts he makes… yep, I watched Saw V this week.

Now that Barack Obama is president I seem to have developed about ½ an inch of girth. Just a sign that we can have everything Martin Luther King Jr spoke of so many years ago… I’m on my way to grab a new white woman right now.

I’m not really going to grab up a white woman, I’m at work. Since I just got here that would be frowned upon.

Yesterday I tired out a new line in the quest to offend and find out “What is sexual harassment?” Here is the scene: A co-worker asked me what I would do if I found out that I was going to die tomorrow, and I responded “Go to the bank and cash out my accounts. Then I’d take it out to a nice gentleman’s club because my whole life I’ve just wanted to make it rain.” She was not amused, probably because she’s old (don’t say cause it’s not funny… that hurts) yet still, not offensive. Don’t get me wrong I’m sure a slap on the ovaries would be offensive enough but I don’t want to jump over the line. I just want to dance on it teetering between “nice guy” and “THAT guy”.

A “Real World” Superman Scenario:
Boy: Mary we don’t need a condom…
Woman: You’re right Dave, I’m not with anyone else and I trust you too.
(Cue the theme from the Superman films)
Superman: This isn’t Africa! (Snaps the man’s “member” like the steel beams that he bends and flies away)
END

I’ve had nothing but random Superman scenarios like that one running through my mind since I got home last night.

My microeconomics professor has an accent thicker than a Filipino (cause Nelson says “what we lack in length, we make up for in girth… I’m like a trailer”). I’m very curious to see how these lectures will turn out and I’m sure there’s good laughter in there somewhere. For example: Every time I asked a question, he walked from the front of the classroom all the way back to my face. Once he was about (I’m serious) 3 inches from my face, he would begin to speak. Needless to say I was uncomfortable asking questions by the second time. I wonder if he does that on purpose to avoid interruption.

A serious note:
Everyone wants to be loved, but we are flawed. Sometimes I get so caught up finding someone that I don’t sit back and think “What type of person would really love me for the rest of their life?” Make no mistake, I’m very happy single but would love to share a phone plan with somebody… oh well, until then I gets p*ssy.

The only thing that I can say about the comments from the last blog are: “At least you all are participating”. Justin responded, and I like Justin, I also like the fact that people took the time to shout back. As for whether there is a reshaping of our community going on, that’s very possible. As long as we have the DC Improv, we’ll certainly never go away, just have to get a few more Soho (jeez, just saying it makes me feel old) open mics. I can only hope that’s what the Spy Lounge is/will be.

What the f*ck was that poem that got read after President Obama made his inaugural speech?! That was the worst poem I’ve ever heard. But look at the stage she got to read it on. Never give up, no matter how much you suck it seems like perseverance does indeed pay off. Look at that smug bastard Bill Nye (the science guy, BILL! BILL! BILL!) … I’m kidding, I would never disrespect the Nye like that. I loved that show, he made Mr. Wizard look like a b*tch.

There is an incredibly hot Chinese woman that works on my floor. She is a natural born citizen and speaks like the hood chick from everyone’s darkest, semen soaked nightmares. I would do unspeakable things to dip my toes in “it”. That is all…

My supervisor has been making my team help another section. I feel like you might as well ask me to sweep the floor, cause if I’m doing their job I might as well help out the janitor. I’m a selfish man, self centered and as cold as polar bear dick… don’t judge me please.

Okay, I’m going to go refund some fruit that was frozen and priced the same as non-disgusting fruit. We’ll do this again soon.

Peaces! Oh, and be safe this weekend. My mother is out there on those roads.

Friday is my woman, don't let me catch you staring at her again Francisco!

Whoa, all of the sudden people read… I likey. So let’s tell some stories then…

Gross but true: My mother made me spaghetti on Monday and she put TLC all up in that b*tch. Gave me gas though, especially while driving to work yesterday morning. I let a tiny breath of “fresh” air out and the car smelled like a spaghetti sauna. The grossest part was that it smelled exactly like the dinner I’d had the night before. So much so that I sat there taking huge breaths just to enjoy that aroma. I had spaghetti when I got home because it was on my mind all day long.

I actually have to come to work for a few hours Tuesday… that is an old man’s scrotum sac.

My friend told me that one of her girlfriends is a hooker. This is a respectable, young, business-oriented, college graduate that is frequently hanging out with a hooker. “The company we keep…” Anyway, I’m thinking about getting my Nelson some loving. I’m not above buying one for someone else, I just can’t pay for myself… I’m too pretty. I wasn’t going to completely surprise him, cause doing anything with a hooker is like wearing a shoe filled with semen. Last night I asked, “Hey, if I bought you a hooker would I be wasting my money or would you take her?” He responded “Well, I’d like to say I wouldn’t take that, but then again I’m not the one who paid so…” I’m sure there’ll be a long blog the day that comes to fruition. Oh April, you’re a month full of surprises.

I’m funny, my mother will vouch for that.

What the hell do we have to do to get some re-runs of Nickelodeon’s Doug?! It is completely ridiculous that Nicktoons Network doesn’t even play one of my favorite shows from my childhood. Doug Funny taught me to love one woman (Patty Mayonnaise), keep friends of different races and most importantly… he taught me how to scat. Scat…

Is there any better feeling than when a friend has a birthday and you know you didn’t get them anything. They might go the whole day waiting to find out what you got, but you already know that you didn’t get that $#!T… ah, Fridays.

Where is the comedy going on at this weekend? Text me if you know my phone number, I miss the Liz… O’Shaughnessy’s.

(Though you won’t know it, now comes the two hour break in blogging. I want you to know that while you can just skip down to my next statement, I have to sit through a useless two hour meeting)

And we’re back… I think I’m spent.

Peaces

Like a f*ckin ninja dude

So, let’s go back to Thursday… might as well, that was when I got on a stage for the first time in a couple of weeks. Uggg. Thursday was actually cool, I was rusty but something about looking into SPE’s eyes will give you all the strength you need to get by. If only Christ had Sean’s eyes to look into on the cross. He could’ve done another year on that cross. But since Sean wasn’t alive when Christ walked the earth the world can be forgiven of its sins… funny how that worked out.

Friday I did absolutely nothing that I can remember, probably cause I was stuck in the w… MJ. I do remember that I ate a lot of KFC and burned all the skin off the roof of my mouth.

Sats (Saturday for those of you that are uncreative and small minded, but stay with me) was fun from the moment I woke up from a wet nightmare. That’s not true, I felt like waking up semen-ified would get a chuckle and really pull the story back for those of you that take offense to weed remarks like my Friday night. So, I started out with the usual “wake and bake” and put a few children back in their place that thought they could play Gears of War 2 with the best of them (TRich). I found out that Jared Stern was featuring and that made me feel good since I worked with him when Vince Morris was last at the Comedy Factory. I dig familiarity, I was so excited that I left really early just to make sure nothing made me late. You know what they say about “Best Laid Plans”, they bite you in the d*ck. At some point on 495 heading towards Baltimore… well, I f*cked up. I’ve driven out there more than enough times to know the way, but something started to feel weird when I didn’t see any 95 N signs for awhile. I began to second guess myself and as soon as a friend called me I knew I was headed the wrong way. Somehow I actually pulled the car over and pissed, got turned around and raced up the road to make it there about 14 minutes before the show started. I raced directly into the bathroom to pee again.

Before the second show of the night I had to make poopy (I thought I’d use a woman’s philosophy of making something rancid cute with a y). I don’t know if it was the KFC but it was an attack on the toilet. Loud and not something you peek your head out to say “Did anyone hear that?!” about. Two guys at the urinals began cheering me on which made me laugh and poo harder. It was an awkward couple of minutes cause apparently they both drank a lake. When I jumped up onstage I had to ask who they were and get a good look at these monsters. To my chagrin (who used that word today?) they were a couple of geeky guys, one a “pacific islander” and the other a white man that had not yet seen advertisements for Proactiv. That’s the anti-climatic ending to that story, was I looking for a Brad Pitt look a like to be cheering me? I don’t know, but I damn sure didn’t get it…

At some point I swear I became sexy, cause every time I spin around I have a new woman to speak about… and it feels phenomenal.

Things you don’t want to spend Sunday night doing: Shopping for lube. That is all.

Thank God Heath Ledger won the Best Supporting Actor Golden Globe, now don’t let them screw him out of the award that matters. There is a God…

I get some of the funniest e-mails about the Spy Lounge, though I’m never there I’m still all too happy to get as many people to go as possible. I’m not sure if people are taking bribes for open mics in other cities, or maybe they just take open mics THAT seriously, but “OH MY”. If I weren’t in the running for laziest man in the Northern Virginia I would go copy and paste one. Oh well, let your imagination be your guide.

I like that last sentence; I’d like to invite someone that actually believed I pull an orgy together to my place. When they ask how to get there, I answer…

iPod theme of the Day: The Seeker by A White Band I don’t know (problem with not buying your songs on iTunes is that people can just name the artist as whoever and you’ll still download it because it’s convenient)

I miss 50 Cent’s popularity. Doesn’t anyone else care?

Nelson brought me Tacos from Taco Bell last night. That’s what friends are for. Now, KILL FOR ME EI, KILL FOR ME! (I’ll accept a photo message on my cell phone by noon today as proof, p.s. - I love yuns)

I hate not being out as much anymore. I hate that Atif is out there in the cold without my warm backhand… cause I’m still pimpin’… HARD. What do I love? No women, cause I just told you I was pimpin (jk). I love the feeling when I get my lazy butt in the car to actually go laugh with friends, and white strangers and tell jokes. Don’t know where I’m going this week, cause it’s all closing (least it seems that way) but I’ll be somewhere and I look forward to seeing anyone that’s there. My, that’s a vague statement.

Before I leave I want to leave you with a food that’s funny to me: Beef Stroganoff (that’s a pun if I’ve ever heard one)

Peaces

Black son of a b*tch...

Finally getting out of the light-less shack I call my bathroom, to the Arlington Cinema n’ Drafthouse. Should be fun, then Saturday I’m filling in for someone at the Comedy Factory… I’m happy. After such a staycation, it’s going to feel good to get some quality time alone with a stage and a microphone. I’m going to oil that mic stand up nice, then I’ll probably sit the microphone in the corner and make it watch while I do things to the stand. Oh, oh my God that’s naughty for a regular ol’ Thursday, but boys will be boys.

Men tend to fight around women, not to impress them, but because when a woman you’re sleeping with is around you feel invincible. That is, until some giant man that smells like a cheese factory is stomping on your hands trying to pry them from your jeans. Screaming “You thought you were a big man, well we’re about to have a little rape fight”, those words haunted me throughout the 10th grade… Rape fight.

Today is my supervisor’s birthday, no one has said happy birthday nor does anyone have anything special planned. She was supposed to be out of town but changed her mind. That’s all, just wanted to slow whatever was going on (hopefully chuckles over the words “rape fight”) and tap the snare drums.

Nelson actually stepped on George Muresean’s foot… and lived to tell the tale. It all started when a child traded a cow for a sack of jumping beans.

Maybe it’s because I’m a guy, but I keep waking up with different bruises and cuts on my hands and “places”. The childish part of me wants to believe I’m secretly fighting crime at night. Which would explain why I never feel rested even when I go to sleep by midnight. Ah, it’s too hot today…

It’s so cold upstairs that I almost want to wet myself just for some soothing relief. Nah, maybe I’ll just go hug a fat girl. Just as warm, like getting a body BJ. If you have to ask, big man, you can’t afford it.

A year is not a long time, but imagine what could still get accomplished in this year. You could fall into the graces of the DC Improv, have a baby and hold it for a couple of months before 2010 or even die. How are you hoping your year turns out?

I wish they still made Binaca. How does the world’s second most popular brand of mace go out of business? The breath spray wasn’t bad either. But when I asked about where it was hiding in 7-ELEVEN, everyone laughed at me and made cruel jokes.

Perhaps five sausage links was too many… I wreak of swine. No Muslim would touch me like I am.

“Well, Simon’s taken all of the kitchen knives… oh God, he’s probably visited all of the local pet stores by now. It’s Arizona all over again!!” – The villain Killface

I’m doing a terrible job at fighting this sleep that has set in like wedgie… I’ve been caught by everyone but people of authority.

That’s today’s hoot, but I think I’ll make it two days in a row. No matter what there’ll be great fun to discuss whenever we speak.

We say good-bye with tongue...

Okay, so this morning I found my least favorite way of waking up. When the alarm went off I hit the sleep button and something went wrong. My alarm decided to do the opposite of “going to sleep”. A high pitched squeal went off and was far worse than the beeping the alarm normally does. I hadn’t called out sick in a while and that thought was running through my head before the squeal really got into full form. No button would silence it, so I began what any sleepy person would do… violence toward my alarm. No pound, no fist, not even pulling it from the surge protector would stop this thing. Then I remembered that the alarm had batteries in it just in case of a power outage. I located the batteries, it struck my attention that I had not changed these batteries in YEARS and somehow they were still alive and well, and pulled them out. After that (seemingly) two-three minute workout of frustration I realized, I was wide awake now. The moral of this story is yet another potential “sick day” was turned into an “on-time” morning at work. And here I am…

I went to see Sheryl Underwood at the DC Improv with my mother and grandmother on Saturday night. Some things worth mentioning (and odd occurrences):

- Sheryl Underwood did about an hour and a half of newer stuff than the last time I saw her. I’m always impressed by that.
- A lot of fine black women get out to give their money to Sheryl Underwood, some boyfriends were dragged along, but mostly gay friends.
- A Man proposed to his girl (baby mama) at the end of the show, the “n*gga way”. He didn’t make any eye contact with her while saying “what he had to say”. Instead it reminded me of a 7-year-old giving a monologue in play. I honestly held my breathe in anticipation of a “Nah” from his woman. But after he shoved the ring on her hand I guess she couldn’t say no. Also, a few women from the crowd literally yelled out “You gotta say YES!!!” What the f*ck do you say after strangers start yelling that out during (presumably) one of the happiest moments of your life. I always told myself that when the moment came that I saw someone propose (first time in my life I’ve been a part of the crowd) I would do the right thing: Shout “No n*gga, you’re too young! F*ck is you doing?!”
- Randolph Terrance hosted, that is all.
- Something about trying to pee in that bathroom smelled of rape. Maybe it’s because three pipe hittin’ convicts were waiting by the sink, and then there was me…
- The nachos didn’t have meat on them. Imagine feeling like you loaded up a nacho with all the toppings known to man and then taking a bit into insanity… it felt like sucking a stranger’s d*ck. Yep, sucking a stranger’s d*ck…
With the new year in swing there are a few things I would like to change about myself. Mostly I want stop smoking (not MJ, cigarettes), I’ve smoked for a long time and I think I’d better quit before my boyish good looks go away. Oh, and I want to be taller this year. Last year I was 5”11, this year I’d really like to be about 6’5… impossible?

Friday night I had a moment, with a woman, that reminded me of the lines from My Best Friend’s Wedding (Julia Roberts movie with Cameron Diaz). The man getting married described what’s so great about his new fiancee with (something that sounds like) this phrase: “She let’s me hug her as long as I want, all day if I wanted to…” I never really understood what that meant, but now I think I get it. Was it Musiq Soulchild who said “Everything is cool when love is all brand new…”? Nah, that was Adolf Hitler.

While waiting in Blockbuster Video, at some point last week, I got into a bit of a racist competition. A woman’s child made some type of racist comment that escapes me now, but she laughed approvingly and I saw Nelson’s face, I knew we couldn’t just let this slide. For the next, I would guess 10 minutes (cause that line was not f’n moving) I gave that woman every bad statement that crossed my mind. These include” holocaust jokes, cannibalism, woman beating, rape jokes, oriental jokes (I’d say Asian, but these were not respectable jokes) and of course as much slang as the good Lord would let me muster. It always feels good to get under a bigot’s skin. Upon leaving Nelson whispered “Just felt like giving that woman something to talk about?” We got MJ shortly after, celebrating and $#!T…

I discovered I’m a much bigger Black Eyed Peas fan than I had originally thought. Who knew?

Tyler, describe your Sunday in a few words or less: Chilean Mudslide.

The more I hear about traffic on Jan. 20th, the more I really don’t want to be a part of history. 48 hours is what they are projecting it will take to get out of DC with freezes and all those people. Might stay home and jerk it, more fun. Plus there’s candy at home.

Thursday I go back to the Arlington Cinema N’ Drafthouse, looking forward to that and seeing Will Hessler. I’ve missed some folks with all this time (2 months) off. If the good lord wills it I will put off some plans tonight and drive up to ____ Lounge to surprise a certain Hippie friend o’ mine. I miss him too, he smells of lilac. Sean, I had a wet nightmare with you in it. We weren’t getting it on, you were just the one who toweled me off. What made the nightmare so wet? The same thing that always does: Killer Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.

Friday I cleaned my apartment cause a woman I cared about was coming over. I never realized how nasty I can truly be. Max (my dog friend) did his best to keep the place as nasty as possible as soon as she arrived. Within 5 minutes, he peed at her feet, took at $#!T, humped and jumped on, and finally… peed all over the kitchen where we were standing. He took a few hours to get familiar with his cage after that little show. Classy…

Leapin’ lizards! I just wanted to brush up everyone’s 1950’s slang. You’re welcome.

During a trivia game with family, my sister (who is 13) could not answer “What artist is famous for songs such as The Way I Am and The Real Slim Shady?” She couldn’t even attempt let alone answer. I’m old now…

Breaks my heart to hear that Wiseacres is closed.

Keep writing, I have a feeling even though rooms are dying off and it looks like we have only a few places to perform anymore… something good is coming. Just a feeling.

Peaces

Yeah my D*CK is out, I'm starting a trend!!!

On Friday I attempted to go on a date, but instead ended up on a weird double-non- indecisive- dating- “Thing”, it was that kind of night. It starts with a haircut and ends with a very high viewing of Horton Hears a Who. I really don’t even feel like going through the entire story so let’s do a highlight thing: When getting ready for a date with my new “Miss” , traffic was kind of a bastard and not cooperating with me at all. All I wanted to do was get a haircut and then get on with my night. I send out the text “How much time do you need to get ready?” Plans have changed now, she picked up her gay best friend because she thought I was standing her up. I wasn’t too upset, I need to pick up Mary (wink) at a friend’s house. I think that date is over so I proceed to plan a guys night… she calls back and still wants to work out plans. I really didn’t want to wheel along for the gay version of Three’s Company, but I actually like her so… I grab my Nelson and head for Fairfax. Nelson is not gay but a friend willing to shield me from some of that while I get my mack on, oh slang. I’m very down with people being gay or anything they want to be, doesn’t bother. They thought I might be homophobic since I fought coming out a bit. I’ve seen plenty Sex and the City which makes me hip, and perhaps that pretty show with pretty people got my mind in the wrong place. I was expecting a gay man that could possibly turn a straight man. But that fairy tale was shattered and raped when I saw a very unattractive man with boobs standing next to my date. I almost felt gay because I judged him quicker than most women probably judge men, and felt bad that he wasn’t prettier for Nelson. Not in a gay way, but I did bring the Asian out and “for that?!” The place we all met at was pretty “Skeevy” so we booked it to a place I’d heard of… Fast Eddie’s. I thought that this place was going to be the Chuck E. Cheese’s of pool halls but “OH” I was mistaken. We were greeted by a hostess that anyone would kidnap just to spend time with. She walked us back to our table where skinheads were playing on the table next to us. A Filipino, a black TRich, black woman, and her gay-UGLY-chubby black man friend… I could smell confrontation even though it couldn’t be seen. Fortunately, I was wrong and they allowed us to play untouched by a fist of judgement. On several occasions I saw “the gay friend” dance: Beyonce’s Put A Ring On It, I’m every woman (Capella), Britney Spears (a song I’m not familiar with), etc… needless to say, I was pretty focused on the actual pool game. Did I mention I suck at pool? Found out my new woman-friend is not an alcoholic, one drink and the grinding begun. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. At some point they wanted to go “clubbing” which is not really my thing. They both got really excited when the idea got brought up and threw the energy ball over to me. I killed the energy ball with a blunt statement:
Woman: “You wanna go to DC and hit up some bars and clubs?”
Tyler: “No.”

That was it, and I had to turn and whisper to Nelson not to burst into laughter.

Sunday I went to Ben’s Chili Bowl, appearance aside, that is the best damn chili dog I’ve ever had in my life.

24” rims… just thought I’d remind some of you what ballin’ starts with.

Last Friday my section went out to Red Lobster. A woman in my dwindling little group was telling me she always wanted to try lobster, I told her to jump on it, we had the perfect opportunity to try something. She didn’t want to waste her meal, she proposed I give her some of my lobster. I told her, flat out, I would not be sharing any of my food. I don’t even share/ eat after/ split my plate with my mother, I’m not even considering anyone else’s germs. You want fries get fries, get it? The whole meal (and I had the ULTIMATE FEAST, so it was a long meal) she made cute comments about how great it would be to have some. I laughed and stuffed my face more. Someone tried giving advice on how to eat Snow crab legs, she used the phrase “if you wanna let me get one I’ll show you how I do it…” I replied “Oh, no thanks, I got this…” The story took a twist when Secret Santa came around. The first woman who wanted the lobster was my Santa, she got me everything I asked for and spent more than the limit we set for everyone in the group. I felt like a d*ck, cause I was one. I tried offering some Cheesecake, but it was too late.

Today, I am at work. I have never wanted to roll over and go back to sleep so bad in my life. I’ll make it, we’ll make it.

Tropic Thunder is the most quotable movie of the year. As an example I simply bring up that the Fowlest and I have been texting quotes from the movie for over a week now. “I’m a lead farmer muthaf*cka!”

Favorite Line of the Week:
“We should call in sick tomorrow, you can stay in bed. I’ll come over and cook for us and then we can go back to bed and you can show me some movies. We’ll run around without clothes and take your dog for a walk… What do you think?”- Woman talking to TRich.

You have to know the response: “Hmm, oh you were serious? I’ve already got a lot of leave being used over the next couple of months so I can’t. Sorry, maybe in February…”- TRich , a spontaneous gentleman

Babygirl, from the summertime, is back… and gained weight. Thanks Jesus!

Kevin bought Nelson and I “DAS BOOTS!!!” like in the movie Beerfest. It took a six-pack to fill Nelson’s boot. I had to work today so declined to get alcohol poisoning on a Monday night. Nelson was completely wasted by the time that boot was half gone. He finished it, and passed the f*ck out. Merry Christmas Nelson.

February, Richmond Funnybone… thank God.

Today was the first time I had to say this in my life: “I can’t come over there just yet, (why) because I was having some memories that were a little graphic and I need a minute...” Not that I should have to say why I couldn’t stand up, but I was thinking of getting a good JOB done… on my wenis.

I think for someone with wandering eyes like me it’s best to fake astigmatism early into relationships. I can’t stop looking at asses. I’m like some wolf that’s thin and starving, all I want to do is bite something. (Howl’s at the moon from his cubicle)

In case I don’t get to say it, Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays to everyone! Peace and happiness are all I wish for you guys and let’s see what 2009 smells like. Bet it smells like Beefaroni…

Laters/ Peaces

That is snow on your shoes, I don't care if it tastes salty!

So here we are, it’s Tuesday again! UGGGGGGG!

New camcorder means new videos, oh the thinks you can think. That was always my favorite Dr. Suess book as a kid, yours? Riding with Strangers returns (Nelson thought up that name for the ensemble of himself, Kevin and I) and the ideas tickle me about as much as the new jokes I’ve written. Awkward stares, slapstick and a ton of swear words… I almost cam… never mind, I did.

My grandmother gave me porn last week and I too lazy to check to see if I wrote about that last week. Getting rid of smut, she knew one man who wouldn’t be able to turn it down… ahem. When she handed it to me I reacted as I normally do to smut, I started reading the back and trying to gauge if I would like it. About two words in it dawned on me, looking at porn (or just the box) in front of my grandmother was weird. I quickly flipped it over and got ready to stuff it in my bag-o-smut. While stuffing I swore I saw, in big yellow letters “TRANNY”… I let out a scream. “NO!!!!!” Granny naturally wondered why I let out that man-scream. I told her that if she had any tranny porn I was not interested and reached for the DVD, upon a second sneak peek at the cover (cause you never know what picture could be on the front of tranny porn) it actually read “Me So Yummy”. I overreacted, I apologized and continued to collect porn. The End…

Actually, let me just say, it is pretty unsettling watching something that you know your grandparents have watched. And, most likely watched it naked… UGGG! There was no jerk to those films, and to be honest I haven’t gotten the courage to put in another video after Nelson and I watched “Holes on a Hoe”… yep, that was the title.

New Year’s Resolution 2009: Build a time machine. It’s been the same since I saw Back to the Future II as a kid, and will remain that way til’ the day I die.

Although, if I was actually able to go back in time, even if only for 2 minutes, hear would be my message: “Little Deaven (yeah, that’s my name), never tell a girl you like her, you’ll get a lot more that way. Stop speaking your mind so much, especially in school, no one cares what you think but your mom. Kiss ass a lot more, you suck at it in the future! Could get you far in comedy if you get to it right off the bat… couldn’t hurt right? Lastly, learn to be cheap before you’re 23, you had a serious problem.”

I saw the Pursuit of Happyness last night and damn that Will Smith, I want to hate on him but he’s too talented. (sigh) I’m still not going to give a single minute of my life to Hancock though, that $#!T is trash.

While in the grocery store (I would never make these stories up, life is just too funny as it is) on Sunday Nelson and bore witness to something truly ignorant. We’re standing in line and someone hopped on the Announce system and said “I love FRIED CHICKEN”. No one really reacted, probably cause they thought they were above giving FRIED CHICKEN a response. I chuckled a little just because that’s a sign of a worker that really doesn’t know what is and is not appropriate. About 30 seconds later while any looks and chuckles over the last comment are fading to nothing we get blessed with the coup…. “GOD D_____T!” (Using what little faith I allow people to know I have, I refuse to blaspheme) I erupted into laughter that doubled me over. I don’t know why it’s so funny to me, but it was so awkward, I’d be crazy not to laugh. There were only two reactions in the supermarket, either you were laughing or you were uptight and genuinely upset that some kid swore like that for everyone to hear. Nelson laughed so hard that the stuff in his hands got loose and went rolling to the floor. Perhaps it was just that people were genuinely happy since it’s the holiday season, but it was great. Then we went home, drank beer and watched the video game awards. As proven by Tropic Thunder, Jack Black is funny again… even if you’re older than 5.

Tomorrow is yet another “spend money on your co-workers” day, just have to make it to Friday and then I’m home FREE (see how I stressed free, never mind, in hindsight it’s not as witty as I thought).

A Charlie Brown Christmas has been getting me through the last couple of days, since I watch it on repeat all day on the ol’ iPod. It almost makes me feel like a child again just watching it, what makes you feel that way.

I have the strange urge that I’m supposed to be a dad… perhaps my body is reacting weird to no “MJ” in a couple of weeks. I’ll take care of that soon enough.

Enjoy your Tuesday, Sean I feel like crap for missing out on the poop joke. Today is my last final though, we’ll run into each other sooner than you think. Unless you think tonight, cause then I can’t make it.

Peaces

"Wow, you look great today! I wish I'd worn underwear..."

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

It'll be a while til we say hello again "Juice"

I spent the day throwing up, it was my own fault so don’t feel pity for this guy. Friday I was determined to eat the remaining Thanksgiving leftovers that I had in the fridge. Problem was that I got caught up drinking Absinthe and forgot that I left all that meat (and greens) laying out on the counter. Well, after running many errands and shopping the day away on Saturday I got home and decided to eat them before I had to throw them out. That was the mistake, I still had a complete order from Chipotle sitting in the fridge, there was no need to bottom feed. So, how did I wake up on Sunday? Puking my f’n brains out, it continued every 20 minutes for about 5 hours. That was more than I have ever vomited in my life, and to be honest “It made me want my mommy”. Sometimes it’s nice to be doted on hand and foot when you have an ouchie. But sadly, I’m a grown man so I laid there miserably and let my dog comfort me with hypnotic songs. He sang Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd that would make you shed a tear.

I’m dead sexy, that is all.

Movie Reviews:
WANTED – Any one that said this movie was not that great should be immediately slapped to the ground. I rocked your socks off and then rocked some more. My friend Mike complains that he never wants to see any more Angelina Jolie movies because she always plays the same character now (bad ass chick fighter woman). To that I say SLAP, I wish the young man in the film many more since I loved the way he portrayed his character, he went from wimp to weapon. The pacing did not feel rushed and God bless them, they even gave you Morgan Freeman (and more Freeman than Evan Almighty, that’s what would have helped that unfunny movie). A+

Get Smart- Perhaps I’m partial to the Office, but I saw the 40 year old Virgin before I ever saw an episode of the Office. With that said Steve Carrell pretty much ALWAYS disappoints in theaters. Anchorman doesn’t count since that (aside from Daily News) kinda put him on the map. Dan in Real Life, Little Miss Sunshine (the movie was great but he certainly didn’t stand out), Bewitched and the list goes on and on. But, to Get Smart’s credit I did laugh a few times but damn it could have been better. Anne Hathaway could not be finer though, very few people are in the category of “I’d drink their toilet water” but… C

I have not slept with a woman wearing a wig yet, with that said the thought kinda creeps me out. We’ll just see where that ends up, cause everything else appears to be quite do-able. “Will our courageous hero muster up the strength to bang the wig off this big chested Jezebel?” Stay tuned for further episodes of The Blessed Rod and the Girls…

Video Game Review:
The Prince of Persia- “That $#!T was STRAIGHT SEX!!!” – Chuck Norris A+

Christmas Wish List:
The pubic hair of the Incredible Hulk (none of your business why I need that)
Tears of newly crippled beautiful woman
The bottled laughter of a rapist
Jerked Chicken (what, that’s funny to me)
A mini dance featuring Jermaine Fowler (his little dances always make me chortle)
Sex
Mom’s love, accompanied by her money
Grandma’s cooking, then a peek at that will
A toke with Grandpa, I’m a little pissed that I never got to do that
Foghat marathon of songs on XM Radio
Anne Hathaway as a slave, you beautiful big eyed temptress
Video Feed of Eli sleeping, no questions
To write a funny joke
A new Jake Young hat, doesn’t matter which one, the man has taste
Chris Barylick to date a model, the gift of giving is the best gift of all lastly…
Superpowers

On Saturday I actually heard a man yell “Well no one will give me a loan cause I’m a dead beat and I don’t pay my bills on time!” Couldn’t have wrote it better.

For the first time ever, a mechanic hooked me up last week. He said come on in and we’ll take care of that and followed through on it. It saved me $400 and probably the life of small child. Cause if I had to pay that money I was gonna pick some kid up and punt him the ever loving sweet $#!T out of him.

Gonna go now, but keep smiling, tomorrow The Dark Knight comes out on Blu-Ray and DVD!!!!

Peaces

And the band plays on...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

So... I have a child now. Ouch...

Can you really tell me you haven't missed our time together? Seems like I've been gone a lot longer than October, but snap. Honestly, I have no idea where I've been, I feel like working but that can't be right. They'll be time to write a great story tomorrow, don't forget about me. There will be dates for actual performances and punch and pie... stay with me. Tomorrow... gotta go meet a pretty for lunchens.

Peaces.

I have no idea where I’ve been for the past week but God darn it’s about time I hopped on this thing again. After performing on Saturday I resumed the 4 day stay-cation (c’mon that’s witty) I was in the middle of. I came back to work on last Wednesday to find something had been compromised and I’ve literally been working from start to finish when I got to work. Weird, if you asked me last week, I never would have thought that possible. Yet here we are, I’m eating a donut and sipping Cherry Coke and your reading the words of a madman who still has bacon on his breath. Shall we begin…

In courtship there are two uncertainties: 1) when you finally kiss on the lips there no way to be sure she hasn’t said good-bye to an ex, never swallow the saliva. Better to have a really spit filled mouth and walk a mile than to taste another man. Unless you’re a homosexual, then swallow away. Hehe, swallow… 2) I’ve recently discovered that the lotion-y goo that comes out of… it, does not mean that there has been “success” apparently some women are just really nasty and this extra “cream” is not an indicator. How do you know, you ask? Ask her to speak a safe word when the time has come (pronounced c-u-m). I like the word “Cheesy”. What do you like?

A couple of years ago I was drinking 24/7 including on the way to work and whenever I headed somewhere. That’s not the case anymore (despite the fact that comics seem to think I’m the worst alcoholic walking, I like to drink but when is the last time you saw me drink and tell an asshole what I really thought of him or just plain knock a comic I hate out? I don’t think anyone can answer that one… seriously) I sold cars a couple of years ago, but now I love my job and get thrilled with every homework assignment and exam I take on the road to wrapping this degree up. I was depressed out of my mind a few years ago by a terrible relationship but now I look forward to meeting my wife and depressing her. I can’t wait to see what’s different next year…

I won’t jinx the Fowlest, so I’ll just say that he’s got some incredible opportunity on his mind right now, cross your fingers for him… or pray. Whatever you’re into these days.

Whenever I picture someone playing the bagpipes I think of someone blowing into the stomach of a dead beast. Thanks Ren & Stimpy…

What’s wild is the more people are reading when I have nothing to say than when I jump back on this bad boy. But, I’m planning on making my presence felt for a little bit this week so hopefully people will remember I’m alive… and funny.

Eli posted some words of mine in his blog and I would be a total douche if I didn’t give him the opportunity to speak for a bit on my blog, take it away Eli Sairs:

Hello all, allow me to start by saying “I just plain don’t like black people”. With that said, I want Shaquita Jenkins to know that I love her and the tapioca pudding shaded baby that we made to know “Daddy loves you both”. I’m urinating into the trash can at my desk. I only let everyone know that because it got on my thumbs and I can’t get it off my mind. Rapper Fabolous turned 29 yesterday, BLANG BLANG. For the last time, “No I will not cut my hair, it the ultimate flavor savor… use your imagination”… take that conformist society. Tyler isn’t giving “a brotha” too much time so I’ll leave with you all with a slogan for the week. I was raised on it so I hope it touches people out there: “When life hands you a fist full of bad nuts, suck its d*ck” Bye all.

Thank you Eli, I appreciate you dropping pearls on us like that. I’m gonna take a shower.

I have almost gone out of my way to be myself at work, I’m truly blown away by the fact that everyone seems okay with that. What are the people doing to get taken down to HR. I’ve laughed at conversation involving people being paralyzed, then leaving the relationship while they re cooperate ( true, and I would definitely leave, why on earth would you want to stick around for that? Hey Nelson how are you today, feeling better about the circumstances that are now you’re life? “Yeah, they cut my hair yesterday and someone put on Looney Tunes so… kill me) and still no one blinks. People are so cold and unattached from what the media would have you believe is the workplace. Next week I move to phase two of my plan: Flatulence in very closed places.

Ducks are anti-semites… what?! It’s true.

On the way into my building last week a squirrel’s nut hit me on the face and looked up with confusion. I saw what looked to be an 11 lb. squirrel on 1 oz. branch that was as curved as a male hooker’s “junk”. I imagined that the branch was gonna give and this man-squirrel would go tumbling right onto my face causing me to be the butt of people’s jokes in the building for all time. Instead the squirrel apologized and we went about our way like it never happened. I forgave him that day and hope I never run across his remains on Follin Lane.

“… And me I keep it funky like pubic aroma. Hit him wit’ the glock, but him in a coma, now what boy got? Umm, glaucoma…” Oh Lil Wayne, how did you win most lyrical emcee again? Still the $#!T though…

My granny asked me if I wanted to go to Atlantic City with her and my response was simple: “Grandma, the hooker’s don’t even wear high heels. The last one that spoke to me had on jeans, sneakers and a Rockstar energy drink…”

I’d love a picture of someone younger than me getting to third base with an elderly woman. On second thought… yep, still want that picture. Hilarious, as long as it ain’t my Granny.

Alright I’m gonna go and hopefully it won’t take me a week to get back on my game. I guess you’ve got the juice now.

Laters

Hello everyone!!!

How are we all? Blogs are light, hopefully that means you guys are writing more jokes than ever. Well then…

Today I saw a dark chocolate (choc∙o∙lat) man literally stop on I-495 while brushing his hair. Traffic wasn’t bumper to bumper so it was terribly obvious, I just watched as the space went from two cars to about 10. He then decided to stomp on the pedal right when others desperately tried to risk their lives getting around him. Douche…

A sign at a church this morning read “If God is your co-pilot, swap seats”… that is all.

Yesterday I was asked, if I had a choice, would I rather wake up one day blind or deaf. I didn’t even think about it, “Deaf, I’d kill myself if I never saw a titty again…” I still agree with my answer but also because every time I see a blind man getting ready to cross the street I think that must be the hardest thing ever. No thank you…

On Wednesday night I actually watched The Ultimate Fighter, the fighters were pranking each other all episode. Someone drank something that had been urinated in. He took it like a champ, then the most horrible thing men can do happened… SEVERAL MEN CAME INTO SOMEONE’S SUSHI, THEN A THIEVING MAN ATE IT. He shouldn’t have been stealing food, but the realization that he just ate someone’s cum was hilarious. He also took it like a champ, he didn’t throw up and no one turned to blows. Personally I’m not sure how I’d react but I wouldn’t want to know who’s cum I just drank down with sushi. He told everyone that was involved he would get even with them by simply stating “Within the next few days my feces will be in your person…” My guess is he’s just going to shit in every piece of food in the house… awesome. But does making someone eat your kaka really trump munching on someone’s ball jelly? I just don’t know dammit, I just don’t know.

Gears of War 2 came out this morning and my friend Josh has already let me know just how awesome it was since he went out at midnight and stayed up all night. My dedication to video games if huge, but when it comes to sleep I don’t f*ck around, I gets down (I had to say that last part, I think I heard it in some rap song when I was a kid and have been saying it ever since). But I’ve got four days off and aside from going to O’Shaunessy’s tomorrow I’m looking forward to reintroducing myself to what love is. GEARS!!!!!!!!!

And with that… we go to the review:
http://xbox360.ign.com/articles/926/926305p1.html

Laters COGs!!!!!

If you didn't vote go to Canada

I voted today and I got a sticker! The voting was pretty $#!TTY cause I had to wake up at 5:10 am (much earlier than I normally go running out the door) and stand with strangers around. I hate how people continue to shuffle closer even though the line doesn’t move for minutes on end. The sticker was easier for me to get. No standing, no picking who might be a great president and steer us out of this turmoil… all I had to do is let some old guy bl0w me. I just sat there while he did all the work and got a free sticker out of it.

That’s not true though, don’t be weird next time I stick my hand out for a high five. I would never be that selfish, I did give the occasional brush of the hair to say “You’re doin’ alright Albert, alright…”

The cl!t tickle- Well, it’s exactly what it sounds like. For those that enjoy the compny (southern word) of a woman on a regular basis, run up on her when she least expects it and deliver. Don’t try to get sexual about it, just go from the heart. Let her enjoy the tickle and the more public the place the better. Get it going at a McDonald’s Playplace, but you have to shout “Clit TICKLE” as you get that tickle on. Mmmm, that’s sexy.

I sharded yesterday when leaving my grandmother’s house. No long story there, just disgusting truth. For those that are curious, poo gets cold if you sit in it for more than a few seconds. Moving on then…

It’s almost been two months since I started picking up and weights and putting them down again (and repeat) but I’ve noticed all of the “eye f*cking” I’ve started to attract is from 45 year old women, most of them have not been friendly with sex appeal over the years. I don’t know what to say… this is not what I expected.

Anyone going to entertain the kiddies tomorrow at Fairfax iNova hospital. To be honest, I hate helping people and other general acts of kindness. But, I love going to make those kids laugh and it even makes you feel good later. Could this spread to helping others? No. Putting a smile of the most charismatic hobo’s face would just make me realize whatever time I spent with him I can never get back. Everyone has their limits.

Whoomp there it is! I challenge anyone to start a work day with that phrase as loud as possible. Though you could be told to simmer down, I’d like to believe that’s just enough to jog Peter (the boss who never smiles or eats lunch) into his youth. If your boss does start to dance uncontrollably, let them dance damn you. You could end up pushing them over the edge, and what does a boss’ suicide mean to the grunt who put in their time? That’s right, 1-5 chance the next boss has a soul. Remember, “WHOOMP THERE IT IS!” Enjoy your Wednesday on me.

Like a 7-year-old kid, I asked my friend to ask his friend if a woman I like has “A Man or KIDS”. I don’t want them to ask her, I just don’t want to invest time and find out she’s a whore or worse… someone’s mother. Gee, I hope Jeff comes back to me with good news.

Veteran’s Day is next Tuesday, while most employers will be observing this on Monday, my employer will not. But that does give me the chance to enjoy a good ol’ four day weekend. Because I took off Monday with my own leave. Gears of War 2 comes out on Friday and though I’m going to work that day, I plan on playing for the next four days until my eyes bleed. I will take short bathroom breaks (no more than 3 poops a day), perhaps feed myself and go to the “O’Shaunessy’s” show on Saturday night. Wednesday won’t be nice to me next week.

After I-don’t-know-how-long of playing nothing but Jay-Z my iPod, which is on shuffle, decided to throw CAKE in between more Jay-Z. Just what’s going on in my life.

Jermaine seems to be having a great time in NY. Just letting everyone that the crime wave that NY refer to as “life” has not claimed the young fowl gentleman. I told him to stop washing and wiping his ass, that’s how I used to keep bees off me in middle school… and coyotes.

I’ll leave you with a final thought: Is anyone else aware that Alaska wants to secede? Who the f*ck knew? Where do they get the balls? More importantly, did anyone realize Palin’s husband is a key figure in this movement (that will never take place)? How was this not on every news channel during the campaigning? I’ve known for about two months and it blows my mind that it’s never brought up.

Laters

We used to have something...

What is a hate speech? Is it one that involves throwing a roundhouse kick? I don’t know.

“I don’t care what everyone else is doing you are the one that got sent to the principal’s office! If everyone got all jacked up and starting raping your father would join in?”

Will you be taking graduation pictures with your cap and gown on? “Nah, I’m a vampire. I don’t want to waste the money.”

Pimples within 6 inches of the penis are lesions.

Perfect examples of how times change as do tastes:
Werther’s Caramel was a POPULAR candy when are grandparents were children
Whoopi Goldberg had a love scene in all of her movies in the late 80’s and early 90’s
Kriss Kross
Terrorist ≥ Communists
Jack Black made comedies that weren’t for children: Shallow Hall, High Fidelity, etc…
Britney Spears was hot once
There weren’t CEOs named Shakwonda prior to the late 90’s, not sure if that’s good for blacks or sad cause we can’t make up prettier names
Before condoms were necessary men “pulled out” more effectively… what, it’s true
The Extinction of A Lady
It used to be a secret that big women were sexy, til someone ran their mouth
It used to be okay for women to wear shoes, everything wasn’t open-toed
The Beatles≥U2≥Oasis…. But there can be only one COLDPLAY!!!!
1950 Coca-Cola: $.10 2008 Coke: $1.35
Popular “come-on lines”: Then “Did it hurt? (what?) When you fell from heaven, did it hurt?” Now “Eh B*TCH!”
Booty calls vs. The late night “sex?” text to multiple people at once…
Benningan’s vs. Applebee’s
Being a video game enthusiast was once laughed at. Well eat $#!T losers, cause now video games are one of the only thriving, “recession proof”, businesses to be in. WOOT!
Hitting a girl because you like her vs. hitting a women because you love her
Pluto was a planet, once.
“What the hell is a library?”
A slave was freed from the Confederate States and immediately went and got a dog
An old white man is the underdog in a presidential election, yes.

We’ll stop there, I like how that swings. I know that we don’t live in the age of The Scarlet Letter, but I really think it would be great to brand women with children. For safety precautions.

Yesterday I slept through 98% of my commute to work. It was the scariest drive of my life cause I wanted to wake up and couldn’t.

Marry me Marissa Tomei. I know that the answer would be “no”, but I have to take a chance on love. That’s why we pray isn’t it?

Whenever you’re laughing uncontrollably, do what my friend told me he does: “I think about a new Steve Martin movie. It’s sad.”

People who sneeze “AHCHOO!” should be dragged into the street and sexed. That’ll learn’em.

I might have a story later but for now…

Laters

No no no, don't hug me seriously Mom I think this b*tch gave me the clap or something

Yesterday was the first time in years I have thrown up from drinking. I did get some damn good sleep right afterwards. Praise be to the wolf.

A man in the gym was very kind to me on Saturday. He spoke to me a few days before that and I smiled and quickly ran out the door. I suppose I ran for the same reason I’m ashamed to speak of this man. Because it seems slightly gay to me. The next time I saw him he just gave words of encouragement while I ran. “GET IT!!! Whooo, look at him gettin’ it!” While these things did make me smile, I have nothing to say so it becomes me looking at another man and smiling for a second only to realize I’ve held eye contact too long and look back down. Does this behavior sound familiar to anyone? It should, this is how couples in the 50’s acted while the man was “courting”. How paranoid do you have to be to brand yourself gay?

Nelson and I had Sonic Drive-Thru on Saturday night, I won’t go into any gross detail. I’m a yogurt machine and this was Nelson’s text to me yesterday “idk if Sonic did this but im super gassy and my shit smells like eggs”… thanks Sonic!

The older the dog the more his d*ck stinks. If you don’t believe me get down there get a good sniff of Yeller’s taint. It’s madness… My supervisor has been on vacation for a couple of weeks now and it’s been magical. I only wish it weren’t all coming to an end tomorrow. Please magical beast, hear my voice and make this vacation last forever.

Bebe Winans just ran through my mind. He was being chased by the angriest 9 foot WASP you could ever see. I’m tired and these are the foundations of my semen soaked daydream. Enjoy.

It’s been mentioned in the news all weekend; Jennifer Hudson’s mother and brother (maybe it was a sister, I don’t care) shot to death. A child is missing because of it, their offering $100,000 for the child’s return. Hasn’t anyone leaned in and whispered “You know he’s dead don’t you? They can’t bring him back cause physically he’s face down in a ditch with his pants still off and mentally he’s tap dancing with Jesus…” I would, but I’m also terrible in situations like that. Would they still pay up if someone sent them that nephew in a box? “You may pay me the same way I’ll send you the precious one… in installments” It can’t be too soon for that cause it tickles me so…

ABS- The African booty stench. This is a term that soliders in Lybia refer to the locals with. A friend spent the summer there and told me that people had Jordans on that had not showered in weeks. You could see a woman as fine as Halle Berry but careful, cause once you unleash her body you’re certain to find the ABS. Listening to someone says “ABS” makes me laugh. Why is it so easy to make me laugh? Well, easy for everyone except you Arthur (the aardvark from the popular children’s books and PBS show, I never cared for his personality).

I have a friend that specifically goes out of her way not to watch Morgan Freeman. She’s never liked a role he’s played. Insanity….

A gay man with a horrible Mohawk always tries to make eye contact with. Perhaps the next time I’ll try “the slow jerk” on him in the bathroom. Hopefully he’ll think I’m creepy and not f*ckable in any way.

Jim Carrey apparently does not like sequels, but willing to put his name on Liar Liar 2.14 or The Yes Man. Ace Ventura 3 darnit! If I’m going to see you suck at least let me see you suck something familiar.

All that talk of sucking made me hungry. “F*ck it, who wants some Krispy Kreme?!” Neighborhood children: ME!!!!!!!! (the children stampede Tyler’s Corolla and he lures the kids to 7-11 to fill their stomachs with dairy…. Never to be seen again) Whoa, that was a morbid way to end the blog. How about a funny pic to smoothe that over with…

Laters, mamy!

Signs of a classy society...

A contest that would pay $10,000 to an engaged couple, as long as they abstain from premarital sex, hasn't gotten any takers. The deadline for the Marriage for a Lifetime contest is Oct. 31. The prize includes free flowers, invitations and other wedding treats.

So far, organizer Phillippia Faust hasn't gotten any entries.

She said, "In our society it's going to be hard to find" a couple that hasn't had premarital sex.
Faust has orchestrated mock weddings and other pro-marriage activities through her Marriage Appreciation Training Uplifting Relationship Education program, a nonprofit that isn't church-affiliated. The program is implemented through Rockdale Medical Center.

You're welcome. Laters

To whom it may concern,


For years I have been using your product, Suave lotion, as my primary love mediator. I have been very satisfied with the quality of your product but am terrified to tell you that I think we have a problem. On Sunday March 16th I noticed that there was a strange smell coming from my nether region. It was comparable to Honeydew melon but I knew I had not eaten any, did I mention I that there seemed to be a hint of rhubarb. I made the decision to let it go, since I have the tendency to overreact. I believe I purchased a prostitute the day before I believed the smell could be from her vagina. I drove up to her on the street and chances are that she had no time to wipe off the juices from the previous customer. Lord knows what his d*ck smelled like… I’m getting off track, excuse me.

About two months later the smell had not completely gone away but I’d grown accustomed to it. It wasn’t until I woke up on Monday May 19th, which also happens to be my birthday, I suspected anything. When I took my normal “good morning whiz” I could hear the stream was interfered. I had my eyes closed but I distinctly heard the pop that Rice Krispies make when milk is added. Upon some very close inspection, followed by a shower since I was sifting through my urine, there were chunks of what looked like snot in the toilet. I immediately knew that something was wrong with me.

The doctor could not pinpoint exactly what could be the problem but he did tell me that I curve to the right because I’m well endowed…. Which is none of your concern. Problems with that part of the body would make anyone stop touching it for a while, I believe. I went four months without a pat, jerk, rub, flip into the waistband or even washing it with soap on my hands. It smells band, but I didn’t want to take any chance that I might make things worse. And you know what? Things got better after about a month. It wasn’t long after the smell went away and the chunky stream stopped for good that I felt the urge coming back strong.

I was eating Macaroni and Cheese, I remember that because initially it was hot cheese falling my scrotum that gave me the idea to get back in the game. I wiped the cheese up and it was delicious, then headed to gather the familiar materials. I had my Suave bottle, two paper towels, a beer and my cell phone. Once everything was done, I hopped in the shower since you never know when your mother will stop by for a visit. When I got in the shower, this is hard to say, I saw d*ck meat come out of the hole. I can only liken it to a hemorrhoid on my d*ck. I wish this on no one. This is hell, I can’t make love, I can’t wear jeans and I barely shower anymore. Doctors tell me that they’ll have to remove the shaft to stop the leakage, but I’d prefer my heart fall out of my crotch before I let them cut off Leonard (that was his name before you turned him into a freak).

One man cannot change a corporation, and I’m certainly not foolish enough to think I can, but my story must be heard. I pray that whoever’s eyes should find this has the courage to help a little guy from Virginia find justice. All I want is a new P*nis, I’d prefer if it were black to match my skin complexion. Let me know if you need exact shades and I will send a picture with “it” next to a chart from Lowe’s. Thanks for your help in advance and God’s speed.

Forever Tainted,

Tyler Brockula Richardson

Laters, oh and just in case someone spots this and wants to sue: “In no way does Suave cause penile problems when jerkin’ it. But to be safe, please use Jergens in any scent you choose, they’re the best. And best for you!”

If you can't go out with me Saturday then would you at least bang me on Sunday?! I've got $70 bucks!

What’s new?
$#!T, same story different chapter. I had some sausage that doesn’t agree with me last night…
Too much information after I asked what’s new. That’s 12:11 pm conversation and it’s only 9:42 am. Let’s play a game…
Okay.
Word Association, you’re first, ready?
Milk
Bitty
Smile
Bitty
Seriously?
Bitty
No, I mean are you seriously going to say that no matter what word I throw at you?
You’re right, I’ll throw out a word… Dexterity
Umm…
Homeostasis
Uh…
Sarcophagus
Mmmm…
Supercalafragilis…
Okay, I don’t really know what the other ones mean but I know that ain’t a word.
Too right, forget it, you’ve got “Bitty” on the mind and my vocabulary’s too short for this game.

Yesterday I got to see a man discover that his Escalade had just been put on cinder blocks… what is it about other people’s pain that brings me such joy?

For anyone that was paying attention, Mr. Cousson was blogging for “I don’t know how many” consecutive days. That has apparently come to a stop and part of me thinks it’s because he’s fallen in with a cult. Until we hear from his blog again I’d like that to be the rumor about him. Young people are impressionable and often fall in with the wrong crowd. Let us pray they don’t claim young Atif as well. With the balls it took for Justin to begin his last blog with a picture of Chris Haynes and Atif’s Man-ificent beard, that cult could begin selling the most disturbing porn known to man. “Blue Beard and J wit da BIG nuts: Winter Break Edition”… Find him Atif, find him.

“I want Bitty… but Mommy I want Bitty now” that phrase from Little Britain USA never gets old to me. Every week I find the show getting funnier and funnier to me. Could be that I love Britain humor (no punchlines) or it could be that they sandwiched it in between Entourage and Life and Times of Tim. Whatever, it’s hilarious.

Fable II is not that great, I watched Nelson play for awhile before realizing that I could turn my controller on and get in there with him. Maybe it’s because RPGs take too long for this ADD wannabe, or maybe it’s because of how simple the controls are. I’ll pass, but GEARS OF WAR 2 arrives in just about two weeks. WOOT!!!!
Bitty.


If anyone heard of who made it through Baltimore’s round of Stand Up for Diversity please say something. For crying out loud these blog-a-majigs are supposed to be for learning. And trash talk… Eli Sairs is smelly. So there…

I keep writing jokes and fighting the urge to drive out and say them. It’s like fighting a good “jerkin” when no one’s around and www.youporn.com is streaming at it’s fastest. Maybe this is God’s way of telling me to jerk it, or get out of the house and perform. Probably the second one, “Okay God, okay.”

Does a desk bigger than your friends make you feel better than them? Yes, because going over to visit my friend Jeff who recently got a promotion meant seeing him sitting at a desk that he could have paper football tournaments on. Is it sad that was my first thought other than “Wow, he must get all kinds of work done here…”? Of course not, I was a paper football champion in high school. It never goes away, “I scored five touchdowns in a single game!”

For those that aren’t Married with Children buffs, that last quote up there was Al Bundy’s claim to fame. That, and “Let’s Rock”.

“If I had a million dollars! I’d probably have you shot.”

That’s a little diddy that my friend used to sing in Basic Training. What’s sad is that for the first time since I got out of AIT in TX back in 01’ I honestly can’t remember his name. He was the funniest guy I’ve ever met and now I can’t even remember his name, I remember his face clear as day though. Laziness made me break my promise that my clan from Basic and AIT would keep in touch, don’t let it happen to you people.

I watched a grown man look away while receiving his flu shot earlier this morning. That is the gayest thing I’ve seen all month. What grown man should be afraid of a needle, unless it’s going into your heart through your sternum. That’s reason to be scared.

Well ya’ll, it’s time for me to get some of this “work” done. I’ve treasured our time together today and hope that you watch that Jay-Z video from yesterday and go find the full song somewhere.

Laters (or as the Fowlest would say)… Peaces

Blueprint III...

And a real blog coming tomorrow. What is with the lack of blogicals?! I miss the controversy of the DCComedy4Now blog... oh well, new $#!T coming tomorrow. I'd do it today but I've having way to much fun daydreaming at my desk.

Laters