Sonnet- Silence by Edgar Allan Poe

There are some qualities- some incorporate things,
That have a double life, which thus is made
A type of that twin entity which springs
From matter and light, evinced in solid and shade.
There is a two-fold Silence- sea and shore-
Body and soul. One dwells in lonely places,
Newly with grass o'ergrown; some solemn graces,
Some human memories and tearful lore,
Render him terrorless: his name's "No More."
He is the corporate Silence: dread him not!
No power hath he of evil in himself;
But should some urgent fate (untimely lot!)
Bring thee to meet his shadow (nameless elf,
That haunteth the lone regions where hath trod
No foot of man,) commend thyself to God!

First McNair, now Gatti... where are the grateful women?!

Been a minute, I apologize but I didn’t really have anything amusing to speak of last week. Now that I’ve got a free moment (of joy) let me pick my (metaphorical) d*ck up off the ground.

I’m not too proud to admit that as of yesterday, 07/13/09, I’ve officially joined the Twitter head nation. My last words to my dying father were “I promise I won’t Twitter papa.” Well I lied, I never called him papa and he’s not even dead. That’s what I’m into now, lying for the sport. Join me…

While hitting on me a woman thought I’d find it cute to make fun of how I talk. First thing, I’m happily smitten with my McFidget (my woman). With that said, even if I were single I don’t find that cute. I used to get offended as a kid when people made fun of my lisp because I honestly couldn’t tell I was doing it, then I couldn’t fix it when they told me. But the way I talk is not something I care to change. There is nothing wrong with slang (Ebonics or whatever you want to call it) but I was raised to speak how I do and have no problem with it. Sometimes, like being stuck in SE, it can play against me but I’ll work through those times. If I didn’t talk like this how would I have coined the phrase “Boo Butta”? Cause butter doesn’t exist in Ebonics. Check the dictionary, it’s not in there.

I wonder if Justin Timberlake is somewhere singing SexyBack like I am… yeah, I bet he is.

What is it about Capri Sun that makes you want to violently attack anyone that puts their hands to close to yours? Is it the Riboflavin? Whatever it is, I want to rob a bank for it one day. “Every body grab some sky! Gimme all that Capri Sun $#!T and nobody has to catch this muthaf*cka!”

Last Tuesday ($#!T I haven’t blogged in awhile) was a blast in Richmond for the Clash. It made me happy, big ups to Jessie Thomas and all the Richmond comics out there on their grizzy. Much love, this is Stank Juice… “out.”

Still figuring out how to manipulate this iPhone, turns out the BJ button on the bottom.

I have the perfect app for star gazing now. I hope it doesn’t lead me to rape finish… rape was the number one deterrent of star gazing in 2005. Followed closely by American Idol, oh 2005.

When I went to the bathroom minutes ago, a man I’ve never spoke to spoke to me. I have my headphones in because I hate casual conversation but I didn’t need to know what he said. He was a stranger. In my mind I slapped him to the ground, which has urine on it, and taught him the error of his whore-ish mouthed ways. In reality I went to the bathroom and washed my hands like any other person… but one day.

Lupe Fiasco has blessed us with a new single, if you’re human and think you like rap go download “Shining Down.” If you’re not sure whether you like rap or not, you are a racist. There, no more letting it slide. I like country, what is your problem with my music?

Yesterday Nelson walked up the stairs to our apartment and saw a 7-year-old child singing “Birthday Sex.” He said frankly “Not my son…” but then I asked if he would prefer to walk in on his son singing “Boom Boom Pow” and he was unsure which is better. The only way to ensure your child is just how you want them is to control every facet of their lives. They’re singing in the shower, you come in drumming. They want to go on a date, you just so happen to need something from their favorite restaurant too. Their pissing, you’re shaking… you get where I’m going with this… You roll down the condom yourself. It’s the only way, if you want to get it right.

I find that you don’t need to say very much to disgust someone. Here; “Guerilla Handjob.” You’re welcome.

Ryan Reynolds is the Green Lantern… I’m not sure how to feel about that. But one thing is for sure… Arturo Gatti didn’t deserve the death he got. Nor did Steve McNair, wtf is happening to women that they need to kill people in their sleep? Do that $#!T mid-stroke.

Oops, I zoned out and had an erection. I’m back now.

I’m going now, but we’ll do this again real soon. Free Willy, yes I mean the movie… it was a f’n classic.

Peaces

I'm Tyler Richardson, and I'm still alive

A lot of people have come here the past couple of days looking for a Tyler Richardson that was in a car accident this weekend. He must have been popular... I may not have known him but I like his name.

No real blog today, but its back to Richmond tonight to close out the Clash of the Comics. I'm looking forward to 15 minutes of good ol' fashioned line dancing. And comedy... starts at 7:30.

Real blog tomorrow... "Like I told you officer; Yes, that is my condom but that's not my semen in it... I'm being framed for rape."

That's not the real title, but ah the imaginations soared didn't they?

Peaces

The adventures of a racist spider named Claus

November 17th 2004- Wilbur the pig was killed today. Since Charlotte died I have tried to console him… and find nourishment in her corpse. The pig was weak and could barely stand the sight of me picking the meat from her “bones.” He will be missed, until the pulled pork luncheon the farmer has planned tomorrow night. Oh Wilbur, I hope you don’t taste like your Buddhist views, because I’m Methodist.

April 13th 2006- Today I spit on a Hispanic… then I bit his 11-year-old wife.

March 11th 2003- Today I caught the biggest fly I’ve seen in a long time. I was so excited that I couldn’t even eat it right away. For hours I sat and spoke to the creature I would soon consume. His name was Wally. We spoke of his family, he pleaded for his life, we spoke of politics, sports and women. Don’t get me wrong, any chance that Wally got to plea for his life he would come right back to it, but I was moved. I’d always looked at things that land in my webs as food or rape food but never took the time to see how they lived. Wally offered many interesting new point of views and I felt like I could listen to him talk forever… then I drained him because it was 11:47 AM and I grew hungry. His name was Wally…

September 3rd 2005- I saw my best friend get killed while we were walking through a bad area… of the kitchen. Little girl sees us, we see the girl, then she’s screaming and slamming a newspaper up and down. She caught Fred pretty good, poor bastard never even tried to move. Humans are the deadliest creatures known to man yet we get killed while out for a stroll. Even though he was a mook, he deserved better than that.

September 4th 2005- I crept in the kid’s mouth and $#!T all over the place. For you Fred…

July 1st 2008- There are an awful lot of black people outside today.

May 21st 2007- Recently moved toward the upper east side of town. Where the pee stained streets have been sprayed with cologne, hookers know how to whisper and meth heads still say “Good Morning!” Less of the Chinese and a lot more Indians that didn’t fight cowboys out here. I’ll live.

January 1st 2003- I hear a bunch of black guys saying “Happy new year my N!gg@s!” Apparently, that is not cool for me to say without being black. Don’t they know how many Richard Pryor DVDs I’ve purchased? I earned it.

March 24th 2006- Went to an amusement park in one of the boy’s pockets. I found nothing amusing about that place or the horrific rides it houses. I may never feel joy again.

February 20th 2007- Whomever said that “You are what you eat” ate sh!t, cause they were full of it. A fat woman was enjoying a sprinkle doughnut when I bit her. She tasted like a screaming fat woman… no sprinkles or icing.

October 13th 2005- Paris Hilton is attractive; I do not see why the humans think so because she is clearly a spider… hmm.

December 25th 2008- Prayer: “Dear Spider God, please bring everyone that I know and care for, Paris Hilton, remain safe and blessed. Let my enemies have their eyes and testicles taken from them… Jews, and lastly I need one big favor. I know that I don’t work, but how am I ever going to get a job when you let the freakin Hispanics have all of the “miscellaneous” work? Please let them have their own country where they can roam free, like Canada, and let us have this small strip of Alabama for our own. Amen.”

June 30th 2009- Sarah got pregnant, if that cheating scorpion thinks she can dope me into raising someone other spider’s clan she’s got another thing coming… (gun goes off)

Claus’ last will and testament:
I don’t have much to give but I do want to ask that I not be buried around too many blacks. I don’t want God to glance over me while looking for his children because I was standing in the shadow.

A lil laughter mixed with love...

Tomorrow I will dedicate much time to make myself (and hopefully at least a couple of you guys) laugh with a new blogerito. Today, I'm psyched that I've booked some comedy for the next couple of months and have even been writing a lil' bit... oh no, next he'll be going out to open mics again. July is the end of my laziness, I've soaked in my couch for a little while and need to stretch my penis... legs, I meant legs, again. Til we get around to "Adventures of a racist spider named Claus" (tomorrow, just dream of what that could turn into... mmm fudge cake) I leave you all with more thoughts pulled straight from my head....

This poem makes me think of my special someone (not the iPhone, though after Ms. C and my dog Max it's a close third):

Love Explanation by Melissa Sterner

"What is love?" you ask

It's a feeling in both mind and body

A passion, a chemistry one might say

Longing to be near, close,

Long talks about nothing,

Laughter and sharing

Eyes filled with devotion,

Not wanting to imagine life without the other,

Doing nothing together and having the best time.

Well, I think, you know the answer already

Listen to your heart with open ears

You will hear the answer...it is very clear.

Tomorrow: a real blog...

Laters

When Tyler met iPhone....

I know you guys couldn't be there when I finally got my iPhone, but I'd like you to imagine me walking out of the store looking the people still in line in the eyes. And, I reach in the bag, let the Cha Cha Slide begin!

This time we're gonna get funky (funky)
Everybody clap your hands
Clap clap clap clap your hands
Clap clap clap clap your hands
Alright we gonna do the basic steps
To the left
Take it back now y'all
One hop this time
Right foot lets stomp
Left foot lets stomp
Cha cha real smooth
Turn it out
To the left
Take it back now y'all
One hop this time
Right foot lets stomp
Left foot lets stomp
Cha cha now y'all
Last time to get funky
To the right now
To the left
Take it back now y'all
One hop this time, one hop this time
Right foot two stomps
Left foot two stomps
Slide to the left
Slide to the right
Criss cross, criss cross
Cha cha real smooth
Lets go to work
To the left
Take it back now y'all
Two hops this time, two hops this time
Right foot two stomps
Left foot two stomps
Hands on your knees, hands on your knees
Get funky with it
Ooooooooh yeah (come on)
Cha cha now y'all
Turn it out
To the left
Take it back now y'all
Five hops this time
Right foot lets stomp
Left foot lets stomp
Right foot again
Left foot again
Right foot lets stomp
Left foot lets stomp
FREEEZE
Everybody clap your hands(Come on y'all)
(Check it out y'all)How low can you go?
Can you go down low?
All the way to the floor
How low can you go?
Can you bring it to the top?
Like you never never stop?
Can you bring it to the top, one hop
Right foot now
Left foot now y'all
Cha cha real smooth
Turn it out
To the left
Take it back now y'all
One hop this time
One hop this time
Reverse (reverse)
Slide to the left
Slide to the right
Reverse, reverse
Reverse, reverse
Cha cha now y'all, cha cha again
Cha cha now y'all, cha cha again
Turn it out
To the left
Take it back now y'all
Two hops two hops
Two hops two hops
Right foot lets stomp
left foot let stomp
Charlie brown
Hop it out now
Slide to the right
Slide to the left
Take it back now y'all
Cha cha now y'all
Oooh yeah mmm, yeah do that stuff oooh yeah I'm out y'all peace!

Wash that condom out... recycle baby.

I keep having the same idea for convincing my sister not to put any thought into intercourse: make her watch porn featuring me. The sneak attack is what I would use, don’t want her agreeing to watch my stroke… that’s disgusting. But a simple “Hey, check out this clip from That’s So Raven…” and I’ll have her doped. As soon as I hit play there is body paint, toe sucking’, ass slapping, blasphemy, oral, choking, gagging, more oral and as always the high five during doggy that is now trademarked into all of my films. I’ll scare her away because once she realizes that what she witnessed was just scratching the surface of a man’s creative and sexual mind she’ll need to study. Or make sure she’s in love first. Plus I’ll threaten her…

Today I’m going to the DMV. There’s nothing funny about that.

Well iPhone users (soon to be brothers and sisters), today the OS 3.0 went live, let the downloading begin.

The other day I had a terrible case of “Spicy Twice” (spicy going in, extra spicy coming out) but experienced rape-ish pain for the first time in my life. I questioned if I would make it in to work the next morning because it rocked me that bad. I was unable to wipe so I stood there clenching and switching tissue. All I could think was “is this what it feels like when you wake up in prison and just know you’ve been raped?”

The kid who murdered his family because they took away his Halo 3 privileges received a life sentence. Thank God, crazy people like that give video gamers a bad name and he would’ve killed anyway. Whether it was because his wife cheated or someone smudged his Puma, maybe just because it was a Tuesday, he was a killer. Let the animals in prison make love to him until he is sane.

Whenever I think of Will Smith’s son playing the lead in the Karate Kid remake it really stabs a part of my childhood. Cute kid, but I’d rather they made 50 year old Ralph Macchio look like a young twenty-something again. Let the ghost of Pat Mortia play Mr. Myagi… oh Jackie Chan. Where is Jet Li when you need him?

I enjoy seeing at what point during a Lil Wayne song my family will decide they have heard enough. For my mother last night the song was his Drought 3 remix of Upgrade You. My mother made it to “If you don’t like it n*gga f*ck you no Vaseline!” before she began reaching and saying “Okay now, turn it off.” Oh Weezy, you devil…

Sleeping… gorilla hand job… no wait, fat woman dream where all of the creases make a sexual sound whilst I get it on. Mmm, oh no, heres the poo- “ding”. Dynamite!

Lastly, in the short wick of this blog candle allow me to show you a reason why on Friday I will $#!T… with joy: http://news.cnet.com/8301-17938_105-10266380-1.html?tag=rb_content;tabbedPromoUnitHolder Let the feast begin!

Peaces

Letters that never made it...

Dear Mom,

For the first seven years of my life I thought you were a deranged woman that kidnapped me. I just didn't see a resemblance. Love your baby boy.

Dear Captain Crunch,

What happened to the Soggies? Every time you turned around they were messing things up for you and then suddenly... they got jobs? I'm not saying that they didn't deserve whatever they got, but did they have children? You're a monster.

Mr. French Toast Crunch Chef,

You thought you were slick; Where are your brothers that have been MIA for the better part of 15 years? If Snap suddenly lost Crackle and Pop people would ask questions but somehow you swerved around that. I want $15K underneath the oak with a hobo from Laos sleeping beneath it. Next Friday, noon, unmarked bills. "Don't f*ck with me Chef."

Dear Britney Spears,

Please wear socks. You've got a lot of dance moves, unfortunately dancing puts a strain on the toe game. P.S.- I saw you naked on the Internet the other day... gross.

Dear Scott,

You whispered something to me yesterday in class and your breathe smelled so strongly of $#!T that you made my eyes water. Show some self respect, it's smelled you ate a Snickers bar made of $#!T. And, I still need to borrow the homework for science, later.

Dear Justin Timberlake,

Though I tell people that you are gay, I'm secretly a huge fan. I know all of the moves to your songs, one day I think we should go to a karaoke bar. No homo...

Dear T-Mobile,

We only have four more days together. It's been a hell of a ride these past four years. You were just a big breasted red-head when we met and now you've blossomed into the trailer trash hottie I always knew you would be. I don't know how to tell you this so I'll just spit it out... I've found someone else. She's not as pretty as you, but to me she has the most beautiful smile in the world. Her name? iPhone, I don't believe you know her. We're moving to AT&T on Friday once she's gotten her new rhinoplasty. I'm sorry... I'm in love. One day you'll understand. Goodbye.

Dear National Football League,

As a Virginian I would like to request that we have our own team. I've written this same letter to the other professional sports leagues in hopes that someone will have compassion. What kind of choice have you left us with? Cheer for the Redskins?! Come the F*ck on! Please.

Dear Mr. Penis,

Yesterday you made English class pretty uncomfortable. When it is time to speak in front of the class I would appreciate it if you would just stand behind me. I think you get more than enough attention when we get off of school in the afternoon.

Dear Santa Claus,

For the third straight year you have cheaped out and given me much less than the $1 Million Dollars I have asked for. Go F*ck yourself, I was good the entire year. Can Will Smith's son say that?!

Alright, well I'm off... til we do this dance again...

Peaces

If I had to guess I'd say your finger smells like cat penis... Am I right?

Lately life has felt way too busy, but sadly I’ve been slacking more the past few weeks than I have in a long time. But I’ve written a couple of new bits and am eager to see if it can make a fat man laugh or not. Cause that’s what I’m after, that chubby love.

Today I saw a disabled (definitely mentally, slightly physically) man at a bus stop. I see this man virtually everyday on the drive in. Everyday I avert my eyes because I don’t want to be rude. Today I stopped at a light practically right in front of him. I didn’t look away today. Instead I watched more than I should have. I watched as he turned around so the car right in front of him couldn’t see him. I watched him talk nervously to himself like I do when a situation is awkward. I became sad, not necessarily for him but because it could’ve been anyone. No joke there, just reflecting out loud. Never take the situation you have for granted, someone else might not think it’s that bad.

I could really go for some fried chicken.

I’ve set up my new AT&T wireless plan, I’ve reserved my new iPhone 3G S and I’m fully erect. Bring on June 19th!

My girlfriend thinks I have an Asian fetish. That’s the nicest compliment I’ve received in a long time, cause I am not attractive enough to have a preference. We uglies, we take what we can get, much love to all my mustache shorties.

Nelson and I have a couple of (what we think are) great ideas for the next Riding with Strangers webisodes. Keep your dongs crossed that we get off our lazy arses and do something.

I remember liking the Addams Family a lot as a kid, ah to be young and have no taste. Christopher Lloyd will always be the man though. Bless you sir, and next time you take a journey through time take me with you.

A grown man who has a Soulja Boy Tell’em Ring back is clearly not ready to grow up yet. “And Peter Pan told Tinkerbell to sprinkle magic dust on Jerome and he took off toward Never Never Land. And that’s how black people came to our island…” – Random Lost Boy

The fact that people still have to fax things boggles my mind, scan that $#!T on a computer baby… that’s so 2001.

Sometimes it feels good to go back to an old whore. I’ve abandoned DirectTv for Comcast and it feels good. It feels familiar, and I don’t care how many my friends it f*cked, let people say “it’s loose” or “it gave me herpes.” Why can’t they just be happy for us?

Right now T.I. is probably thinking “I’m rich, what the f*ck am I doing $#!TTING in this prison bathroom?”

Does anyone remember Chris Brown is a woman biter? Just making sure, cause he’s going to have a hit single soon… “Hit single” oh, that’s good.

While on the elevator an older white man spoke to me, just to clear things up “HE IS A STRANGER.” I’m pretty sure that when he exhaled during our conversation a booger went flying towards my feet. That is why you don’t speak to strangers, you have no idea what’s going through their head while you speak to them. I honestly don’t even remember what we talked about.

I went to Dave and Buster’s with my family last Saturday. Despite thinking that we have nothing in common, we bonded over the Tiger Woods version of Golden Tee. Good times. Speaking of which, my mom told me for her birthday today she was going to hang out at a gym and pick up 20 year-old-men. There's nothing funny about a man younger than me somehow diddling my mommy. Plus, it's impossible... she doesn't have a vagina. Both my sister and I are miracles, because she's a saint.

There is a picture of Mickey Rourke as Whiplash (from Iron Man 2). Call me nuts but it looks like somebody just said “Let’s have Iron Man face Mickey Rourke!” But it will be awesome… yes Lord.

Gotta run, I’ve spent too much time looking at the hundreds of accessories I’m buying to go with my new iPhone and there’s no time for this blog-a-ma-jig.

Peaces

It's only been a week, are you sure the kid's mine?

It’s a beautiful rainy summer day. Allow me to cool you with a poem. I think I’ll call it… Boo Butta wit(h) Chee(se). Let’s begin…

I cannot recall my first lullaby
Or my first time bowling on Wii
But I sing all day long and bowl like a God
I’m hopped up on Boo Butta wit Chee
I’ve danced with a fatty from pity
And stabbed a hobo for glee
Sure the skinny girls look and they judge me
But they’re all just Boo Butta wit Chee
On Mondays I generally zone out
On Fridays I pee ate Charles’ feet
I don’t blame that just plain don’t get me
As I eat my Boo Butta wit Chee
You can scoop it up with a ladel
You stir for your favorite iced tea
But if Boo Butta came with a side “thing”
I’d ask for mine served with Swiss Cheese
Santa can’t have the elves make it
And Satan just ain’t got a clue
Cause the truth is for best Boo Butta
You gon’ need some Ooo Butta too
Midgets beat rocks with their toenails
And smoke crack through a hole in ice cubes
Cause Boo Butta is definitely off limits
For people shorter than 5’2
In prison they rape for its nectar
In jail they make love for its dew
Cause with Boo Butta pumping inside of tookus
Prison can be paradise too
Imaginary Doris can’t stand it
Cause the children grow up with one spoon
The Boo Butta deepens their voices
And puts mayo all over their pubes
Boo Butta with Chee is a lifestyle
Like “Fruit at the bottom, or stirred?”
If someone dare say that its nonsense
They should be slapped to the ground with a bird
Boo Butta had a fling with a hooker
And the d*ckskin condom broke
She took the child off to the Netherlands
Which broke ol’ man Boo Buttas heart
You see, Boo Butta is more than a movement
It’s a person with eyes and wings
So the next time that you get a chance to
Pour some Boo Butta all over me.

It doesn’t have to make sense. It’s beautiful, just listen to your genitals. What do they say? It’s okay, mine are a little soaked too. Mmmm, I’m drinking orange soda. Don’t let that distract you from the Boo Butta-ish thoughts running through your head right now. I just wanted you to know that I’m drinking orange soda because it’s delicious.

I’m in Richmond again next month (holy $#!T it’s been a while) and can’t wait. I’ll share one of many quotes my friend Jesse dropped on me yesterday: “Oh, the NBC stand up for diversity is back up and running huh? (he’s white) What if I said I was gay, made it in, then said I was cured?” And just for the fun of it, here’s another gem “Damn, she’s cute for a skinny girl.” That last one was courtesy of Travis Charles (Richmond comic) but told to me by Jesse.

Atif beat me many times in UFC. Don’t worry, I’ve been training… I must break him.

Disney-Pixar’s Up is a BJ that will leave you glued to your chair because of how much semen it is able to make you produce. I didn’t even mind being all sticky and covered in ectoplasm because it was that good.

I thought of something that was making me laugh on Friday that I began passing to anyone I thought might laugh. Basically, I was laughing at the thought of a young man in a chair being tortured… by a gorilla hand job. Imagine the rage in every jerk, the innocence in the gorilla (let’s call it Barry for the rest of this paragraph) eye’s and most importantly, the violence. He would get about 15 jerks in (or less, ouch) and snatch that thing off and start hitting the walls and even the man with in. The he would eat it, what? They’re cannibals, and that is in fact meat. D!ckmeat.

I must go and finish this “work” that I’m paid to do, don’t missed. Miss my Boo Butta….

Peaces.

Wednesdays never seemed so sweet, I wonder if they're gay...

When I looked really closely at a duck near work I felt something. I’m not Buddhist, nor do I believe in reincarnation (fully, part of me wants to hope I can come back and do it again if I’ve been a good boy) but when I looked in his eyes I felt him saying “F*ck you, why am I a duck?” Then he swam off to the other side of the pond.

Why did Looney Tunes make the idea of slapping people so appealing? It doesn’t matter who I’m talking to (except my girlfriend… wink) I would find it incredibly amusing to slap them back to the moment they first burst from the womb mid-sentence. Of course I’ll give you an example:
(a man is at a urinal when another man approaches the urinal beside him)
1: Hey Peter.
2: (Good Morning) Dan.
1: Say, did you see the new intern?
2: Oh, she was dynamite!
1: Pow! Right?
2: (SLAPS THE EVER LOVING SWEET TASTE OF MAMA’S HOMEMADE PIES WITH CHERRY ON TOP OUT OF MAN #1’S CRAW WITH D*CK STILL DANGLING CAUSE THERE WAS NO TIME TO ZIP…*takes a breath*… CAUSE IF THE TIMING WASN’T FLAWLESS THEN WHY THE F*CK WOULD HE SLAP THE BLACK OFF HIS ITALIAN FRIEND MAN #1? )End.

Whew, now where were we? Ah, nowhere. Moving right along then (oh that reminds me to watch the Muppet Movie next chance I get).

Yesterday I sat down and watched Loaded on FUSE. How long does it take for people to get over beating a young pop singer until she is damn near unrecognizable? The answer: 107 days. The Grammy’s were February 08, 2009.

Squidish Love Pocket, there I’m glad I’ve got that out of my system.

Terminator Salvation kicked more ass than the Asskickatron 9000, which was built by the finest asskickphysicians, designed for style. Just remember it’s the Terminator. People keep talking to me about it like they went in expecting Pride and Prejudice and were bombarded with explosions and testosterone. Go expecting to pay more than you should to sit in an unsanitized seat. Plan on buying a soda but get the Icee because that is liquid crack. Get some nachos because you’re cheap and don’t want to experiment on the pizzas that AMC is now selling for some d*ck suck worthy price. Go grab a seat by some fat man and your good buddy ____. You’ll see some good previews, some that make you smile and whisper “I think the fat man next to me passed gas… but that trailer looks good too.” Other trailers will make you soft. And by the time the credits roll you’ll be holding a fist full o’ big black nuts wondering why you didn’t go to the bathroom during the movie. You’ll know why, because if you moved you might have missed a stern face, a Christian Bale superstar close-up or a boob… there were no boobs for those that will purchase a ticket to see one. Side note: Will Nelson and I peed, a man came up behind him and didn’t wait for him to be finished before he unbuckled and began to “unsheathe his sword.” The look on Nelson’s face was priceless, the look on mine… satisfaction. Damn that was a good movie.

Earlier this morning I had a discussion, I’d forgotten how compassionate women can be so the conversation was cut off at the knees. Rather than go on a tangent forever I’ll just leave you with a thought: I little girl has just died from a tragic accident. You are the doctor who has the task of telling her family that she is gone. Before you head out the door you glance at the name… Exodus Tyson. You look out the door and see that Mike Tyson is awaiting the news. How much do you $#!T yourself? I would personally rather wrestle with a Tiger. Nuff’ said.

It was a shorty (blog-wise) type day. Hopefully I’ll have more stuff and Lord knows I kinda feel like performing this week(gasp, I better write a joke or two).

Peaces

An Interview with a vampire...

Let me start by saying that I appreciate the folks searching Tyler Richardson blog or whatever is getting you here now that I’m no longer on the blog roll list-a-majig on DCStandup.com (see, I still show him love… I’m growing up). Now let’s get to a much needed dose of insanity that we’ve so sorely lacked the past week shall we? An interview with a vampire… name Rudolph.

Interviewer: Hello, may we start the interview with your name?
Vampire: My name is Rudolph…Rudolph Hidalgo… it’s popular among Bulgarian whores. And that is what my mother did. She was a mistress of the night. My name is Rudolph.
Interview: Umm… mkay. Rudolph…
R: Hidalgo.
I: Would you prefer I said the whole thing together.
R: No.
I: M’kay… well…
R: I hunger.
I: I don’t know what to say to that, I have Subway in my bag but I don’t you like the chicken parm.
R: Too sweet.
I: You’ve tried it?
R: No, but I trust everything Hell’s Kitchen has ever said. Reality television makes me ooze.
I: I’d love to get to my first question, not to interrupt.
R: But you did.
I: …
R.: The question, give it to me.
I: How old are you?
R: When George Washington went off to fight in your war, I dusted off his wife’s pu-nay-nay.
I: Oh.
R: Do you know what I mean? Some call it pudding. I’ve even heard it referred to as muff or clam.
I: I think we’re on the same page.
R: Squidish love pocket. That’s my favorite.
I: … I don’t think I’ve ever heard it called that before.
R: I’m 517 years old on May 15, 2001.
I: So, you’re 525.
R: I love the foreplay of mathematics.
I: Is it warmer in this room than you thought it would be? I’m boiling, and please take no offense, but I’m not taking off any layers with a vampire in the room.
R: No offense could be taken from a Jew.
I: Wow.
R: What, did I touch a nerve?
I: That anti-semite remark just came out of nowhere and caught me off guard. You, of course know that I’m not Jewish....
R: Really?… well that curlish man-fro you’ve got there and the stink of Auschwitz all over you... I was fooled.
I: My God…
R: Why don’t you ask me something unexpected?
I: Okay, when is the last time you wept?
R: Yesterday.
I: Care to tell me why?
R: First give me a food that you would compare to the taste of your lover’s crotch… like say a pomegranate?
I: That’s personal.
R: Well so is why I wept.
I: That’s fair…
R: I saw a white man with a black woman.
I: I’m sorry, what?
R: I saw a white man with a black woman and all I could think was “He don’t even know what to do wit all dat. Let a real n*gga have a taste.”
I: You’re white.
R: I know.
I: *cough* This is weird, so let me just wrap this whole thing up…
R: Consider it wrapped.
I: Even that was weird.
R: No weirder than watching me make love.
I: M’kay, well… would you say that the life of a vampire is a lonely endless walk through time, completely lacking any real emotional contact?
R: Or?
I: Or nothing, I just wanted to take a shot there. My wife is black.
R: Oh, may I see a picture?
I: I don’t think so. I feel like I should just go. Is that alright?
R: Of course; Before you leave, would you mind helping me move this cabinet. Without friends tasks like these are a bit difficult.
I: Okay… (after moving) I hate to ruin my chances but are you really going to let me go? You’ve been pretty awkward and everything in my tingles of rape…
R: I don’t eat Jews Adam.
I: I’m not Jewish… hey, I never told you my name…
R: Didn’t need to, I’ve been around long enough to do some homework before welcoming you into my home. To be honest I had every intention of sucking the life out of you up until 2 PM this after noon.
I: What happened then? I was still at work.
R: You didn’t wash your hands after you clearly spilled urine on them. That’s just gross Adam, that’s just gross. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to burn the chair you sat in.

THE END

Well, until tomorrow’s blog (I promise) I’ve gotta run. I don’t know why but I have “I Want You Back” by NSYNC stuck in my head.

Peaces

Real friends pack extra ruffies...

*Friday’s Posting will start, then we’ll finish with today’s because I’m lazy and you deserve it.*

It could be due to how tired I am right now, but for some reason I really to get a piggyback ride for the rest of the day. “Sherman, I’m hungry… to Chicago.” For those with an active imagination, don’t picture Sherman as a huge man. Instead, picture a man half my size, because it tickles me. Very similar to how sometimes I’ll try to Boogie board on my dog Max, who is all of 9 lbs.

Mission Accomplished: My woman said “Boo Butter.” And, it felt… phenomenal.

I believe that someday time travel will be possible. How else would someone know they could actually make money by selling products such as “Tic Tac Toss, Hungry Hungry Hippos, Don’t Wake Daddy and THE Slip and Slide”?

Dear SonicBids,

You almost made me cry yesterday because you wouldn’t let me upload a video of me doing the Macarena. Good news though, I found a way and the new Internet sensation will be born. Black guy does other people’s dances is coming at ya. Next week: The Charleston.

Tomato soup is nothing more than a bowl of the devil’s tears.

After watching (a day late, but I kept to myself yesterday) the LOST two hour season finale last night I went outside and picked up the biggest rock I could. I was so overcome with excitement that I bludgeoned the first person I saw to death. It was that f***ing good!

There may not be anything about rape (giggity) but there is plenty of humor in watching someone with a baby in there hands fall. It’s just funny…

Listening to A Milli always make me hate being at work. I’m not sure what correlation they have with each other but I feel like it’s because it makes me want to dance… and get violent.

While talking about ethics “and things” with Sean Paul yesterday, we concluded that All That was a terrible show. Speaking of Mr. Ellis, his show is tonight at 7:45 tonight at the Comedy Spot… be there or be dead.

*Fast Forward to Tuesday, May 19, 2009 aka Malcolm X’s birthday*

Today I turned 26, and now that it’s a reality I don’t mind getting over the “20 something” halfway marker. Here’s to the next year…

Jack Bauer kicked so much ass on last night's 24 season finale it hurts to $#!T. Bless you Keifer Sutherland, the video of you trying to stop that Christmas tree from attacking Brooke Shields still makes me laugh. But if you say I need to attack a bear with you, then a bear is catching a foot to the nads. 143 Keifer, 143...

I really don’t have much today… just happy. Thanks to everyone that wished a happy b-day and tomorrow I will try to have something worthwhile to speak of.

Peaces

Nah son, that's my condom, see the skin in it?

It’s Wednesday, we’re halfway through the week so let’s start with a list of random things that make me laugh:

The Blue Oyster Bar song from Police Academy. When the trumpet first hits and the cadet looks into the eyes and mustache of the biker he’s dancing with… well, you can feel the love tonight.

Dirty Dancing; I grind my hips against my mother more when I kiss her good-bye. That ain’t dirty. But oh Patrick Swayze, you’ve still got it… cancer and all, you’ve got rhythm.

This quote from The Ringer (you know the Johnny Knoxville movie) “Do it again and you'll be admiring my butt from the pavement with a straw.” I bought that movie on Sunday afternoon just because of that quote.

Yesterday at lunch my friend Christian and I went back and forth on whether a man (who is CLEARLY GAY) is gay or not. Every time I made a point Christian would point out that he did something or wore something just like what I was pointing out. The more flamboyant my examples the harder I laughed when he was like “I’m sitting with my ankles crossed right now… I put a fork up just like that… I have glasses that look like that too!” He is a big dude but I couldn’t help laughing in his face.

Sounds like the woman next to me isn’t covering her mouth when she sneezes… oops, there’s nothing funny about that, sigh. SWINE.

When Jared goes to heaven, do you think he can stop shamelessly plugging Subway? Honestly, I feel like the afterlife clause is in the fine print… J

While getting breakfast I got to use any angry black man phrase. A Latina began describing something to me and I was completely confused about why she was talking to me. She was a stranger. Then she smiles and says “Oh sorry, I meant him.” When I turned it was a man named Geoffrey (pronounced G-off-ri)… this man looks nothing like me. About 4 minutes later she smiled and apologized because of the mix-up. I casually said “It’s cool I understand, we’re both black.” Then I walked away without a smile or attitude, as though I had just told her the time “It’s 4:15.” It felt f***ing sweet. I think I may have just looked like a dick to everyone around me though… oh well.

The word “Marmalade”.

Karate Jesus… nuff said.

Singing the Gummi Bears theme song as a 25 (OMG I’m 26 next Tuesday) year old man.

This was a shorty, but perhaps tomorrow there will be something of substance… probably not though.

Peaces

It was a fun weekend...

Well, what can I say about the weekend that isn’t summed up by the photo above. Courtney brought the funny, and was black. I tried not to ruin the flow of the evening… and was also black. Eric Schwartz was really cool and I always respect someone that can kill and stay clean… and he was bald. Thought I was going to say something else didn’t you? I’m as unpredictable as a Chipotle $#!T.

Today I was making a joke to a couple of friends about a dead co-worker’s fiancé… I’ll spare the details but it was hilarious (oh, my soul hurts). Anyway, we came around a corner on the complete opposite side of the building and were face to face with said co-worker… everyone stopped laughing and that was a dead give away. I’m not proud of everything I do and say, but I can’t change who I am. Love me…

I’ve had that Sinead O’Connor song “Nothing compares to you” stuck in my head for the better part of 48 hours. So this is what hell is like, damn these… (what are they called again? Oh yeah) emotions.

I’m happy to announce that my system is completely clean of any badness (use your imagination… and no, I’m not on crack, sadly that was my mother’s first guess when I was 19). I’m running for mayor…

Dear Murray’s Hair Grease person,

My name is Tyler Richardson and would like to take a moment of your time. First, let me say “thank you.” It was not until I met a man whose waves made me so jealous I had to sit him down and pluck his brain (and waves) to find out how I could be beautiful too that I knew you’re sweet touch. But, once I’d lathered up my palms full of your sweet nectar, I knew that I’d never use Sportin’ Waves again. Before your hair gel I was 5’1, 98 lbs. and had never kissed a woman. Now that I am beautiful and “silky smooth”( – The Zohan) I’m 7’3, 875 lbs. and get so much p*ssy even my mother calls me “Mo B*tches.” I have you to thank for that. I was being mugged the other night and when they stuck the gun in my back I spun around and grease flew of my waves and blinded the would-be thugs. I kept my favorite wallet full of my nice credit cards and that hooligan will never see again, at least according to the doctors. Plus, I kicked the $#!T out of his nuts for pointing a gun at me, you know I keep it real gangsta. Anyway, I don’t wanna pole jock too hard or nuffin’, see how my slang has improved thanks to your grease, so I’m a bounce. Thanks again, and stop snitchin’. One

Gangsta Jesus… Nelson’s going to draw it and I’m going to wear the shirt because the image is too hilarious for me to describe. Remember, God created humor… he’s got one too.

For any readers with T-Mobile, do not buy their Equipment Protection Plan. After many conversations and wasted energy I found out that even though I’ve paid for that for the past four years… it is in fact wallet rape. They took my money with a promise to love me. Then when I told them my phone is acting funny, they give me the run around with talk of a “claim” and wanted me to install my own trackball (for those without a BlackBerry, it’s important). Now I know how an innocent young woman feels when she goes out with a sweet guy who turns into Chester the Molester. T-Mobile asked me kindly to open my wallet, and when I did, they placed their penis in it and starting ramming without a care. They didn’t care how much it hurt, that I needed lube or that I have a new boyfriend named AT&T who is going to treat me a lot better shortly. And what really hurts is that I loved them. T-Mobile, you broke my heart. I’m going to get my new boyfriend to slit your tires.

Atif, I’m excited that you finally have Gears 2, sorry I got so busy this weekend. But perhaps tonight after I see my babycakes or tomorrow night where I finally get to come straight home and chillax I can give you a tour. Practice up Atif, we go to war… and in war there is no such thing as a condom. That doesn’t make sense, but you know what I mean… it’s gonna be fun.

When I took my momula (mother) and grannyikens (grandma) out to a Japanese steakhouse I felt good. I greeted them with roses and got big hugs and kisses. How did my mother repay me? After I said “Order whatever you like” I proceeded to get the most expensive meal in the joint. When the chef (I hope that’s what we call the men who entertain, it’d be weird to call them a fry cook) put my first piece of LOBSTER on my plate my mother came quickly for it with a fork. Bare in mind that she too could’ve had the lobster if she chose. I controlled my selfish ways, cause she of all people knows that eating off my plate is outlawed. But then she turned to my 13 year-old-non pregnant sister who for some reason was at our Mother’s Day dinner, and said “Mmm, you have got to try some of this lobster.” I don’t recall exactly what I whispered, but let’s say it had the same effect as me standing on the table and urinating over my food to show territory. No more forks came round my plate on that night. Sorry to be so vulgar, but the lobster was good, and she ate it. Sigh, the life of a selfish man is no easy one.

Poop… there, I said it. It’s still funny to me.

Hey Huntsville, AL: 1 year, I still feel like I could pick up the phone and call him. Weird, that’s really all that I can say. I still think about him all the time though. I look at his cell phone number every time I get ready to call my grandma. I’m glad you still read, it reminds me of him the same way reading might remind you.

Alright everyone, I’m going to get some work done.

Peaces

The man, the myth... Atif?

Arlington Cinema N’ Drafthouse this Friday and Saturday at 9:45 PM! With Courtney Fearrington, Tyler Richardson and headliner Eric Schwartz! It’s gonna be fun, treat yourself…

And with that plug for the weekend, let’s get to the nitty grit. The story of Atif Myers, or “The Beast-Man Cometh”

In a time before jeans, when men roamed the earth with nothing but a mane of pubic hair to keep their legs warm, there was a man. Some said this man wrestled a cheetah to the ground, others insist it was a newborn cheetah cub that was still blind from infancy. One thing was for certain, there were cheetah drumlets for dinner once he’d laid the beast down. Who was this creature-man? To explain him we must peek through the beard of Zeus and tip toe past the childlike smile that whispers “Cinnamon.” Let me tell you how I came to know, befriend and ultimately encase in Carbonate… Atif Myers. I was walking through “the town” and was accosted by some hooligans set to make trouble. I was surrounded and without money, this meant an execution. As the circled swinging various sharp things I heard the battle cry that still rings out like thunder in my memory “No, you black son of a b*tch!” On the biggest mutant chicken I’d ever seen was a man whose beard completely clothed him. This was a hot day and the dew made it glisten so. He looked me in the eye and then pulled out a gigantic gun and starting pumping round after round into those evil doers eyes and faces. With each shot he laughed harder and harder, oh how his beard shook. I was of course soaked in urination because he didn’t appear to aim, just fire madly with his eyes closing from the laughter. But only one shot caught me in the genitals. Don’t worry, I’ve got the other one, I’m good. After he’d sent them back to “rapequarters”, which I’m pretty sure was his version of hell, he invited me to come ride the mutant chicken and he’d drop me off where it was safe. But I had no home, I would be safer to stay with him… and his big ass gun. He never seemed to eat, I only saw him chew the ends of his beard and stare angrily towards the sun. He told me that the sun taunted him and called him names. He used to swear at it for hours on end and try to throw things at it. I chalked most of that up to dementia from the heat. With a beard like that he must have been in a 130 room at all times. That will make you go crazy. But he saved my life, I’d be sane enough for the both of us. After a few months he told me he wasn’t black. He’d said the “N” word so much that I just assumed he was, after that news I asked him to refrain from using it unless the rap lyrics specifically asked for it. He agreed, and shot his own leg to say he was sorry. Atif never changed clothes, and to be honest I’m not sure if he ever had clothes on in that beard bubble. I thought I saw a sleeve to shirt, but then he pulled on it and it was a ribbon from somebody’s Christmas. There was no telling when it made it’s way into the beard, or how long it had been trying to work it’s way out. Since he was not Christian he pulled it out and stepped on it. But when he did the dance of pivoting on the balls of his feet to laugh at stepping on it, something happened. I saw a tear from the beard… I mean his eye. He was sorry; that was the day I realized there was something else under that beard… a heart. The only time I heard him lie when was I told him about my old Duck Hunt score and he said “Oh… oh yeah, well… I got a perfect score in Duck Hunt the first time I ever played it.” That’s impossible, but I still respected him. He was my hero. Why did I betray him you be asking… well, as with all great stories it was out of fear. Because of his great accomplishments I feared that one day he might destroy the world, he certainly had the power to do so in just his left nipple. So one morning while sharpening his nipples with an arrow I came from behind and blew his brains straight through his skull. I was heartbroken about killing my idol. I cooked up a good steak and took a walk while his body chilled in my freezer. There was only one solution, I gathered up all the bits of brain and skull and put them back in his skull. Oh, I threw up quite a bit that day, especially when the bowels released. But after all the gizzards and “what not” were back in, I sewed that b*tch back up and he was almost good as new. To this day there is no way to bring a corpse back to like but that is the day he’ll open his eyes and escape from “rapequarters.” I hope that when they bring that Frankenstein monster of a man back to life I can look him in the eyes and whisper “you did this to you.” Then blow my brains out all over him and embrace Satan in the long semen soaked clench of death.

Whew, that took a morbid turn huh? No matter, Atif now I don’t feel sorry anymore. I want a story like that to be whittled onto my grave someday. You’re welcome.

Everyone have a great freakend and if I don’t see you… I’ll see you.

Peaces

Tonight, Drafthouse. This Weekend... Drafthouse. A full weekend's supply of vitamin TRich!

It’s no ordinary Hersday (Thursday for those uninitiated), because today is the anniversary of my fight with the legendary red goat. Many of you have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about, allow me to explain. There is was in the middle of a good jerk (what, am I the only one that saves the load for Thursdays?) and I heard a commotion outside my window. Ordinarily when I hear the children outside fighting or just being hoodlums I turn up the volume on my snuff tape so I can stay in the mood. But on this day I decided to take a peek out the window. Their childlike screams were too loud to ignore and a woman’s moan interrupted by the screams of children makes me soft… what, I don’t get turned on by kids, do you? Anyway, I noticed several of them being worn as a belt by the most awesome beast I’d ever laid my eyes on… the red goat. He stood on two legs and was easily 5’2, which is about how tall they should be standing up but I was in awe of his balance. He wasn’t actually red, the name is deceptive, but his scrotum shined redder than the devil’s d*ck. He belted those children with his mighty hooves, at first I found it funny, and then I noticed he was erect. That’s where I draw the line. No boy hungry pedophile, man or beast, would come into my neighborhood without properly registering under the sex offender registry. I grabbed my Timberland's, because I was gonna kick the $#!T out of that goat. Then I remembered I don’t want to get $#!T on my boots and switched to Nikes. Going out the door I prayed to the wolf because his word is true and he would guide my fist even truer. Plus God isn’t a huge fan of violence despite what the people caught in the Holy Wars would have you believe so the Wolf is my back up. Praise be to the Wolf… anyway. When I came out side he instantly knew that I was there to stand and fight. Not for the children, and not for honor but because he ruined on of my favorite clips on YouPorn. How dare he! There were no words spoken, he was a goat, and I don’t talk to animals. When I charged at him my heart was racing and I launched myself into the air to Liu Kang kick his f*cking heart out. It wasn’t until I got about six inches away from connecting that I saw the look in his eyes… confusion. This goat was lost and scared, I’d stepped into a fight with a child… metaphorically. When the foot connected with his chest it felt like stepped on a baby turtle, crunches and snaps. I wish I could say that I let him crawl away to the forest, or wherever goats come from, and tell the animals of the might black warrior that jerks it. But when I felt the crunches within his chest from my foot I got mad with power. I was high, high on dominance. I beat that son a b*tch goat half to death, then put another quarter of ass whooping on him so he was only about a breath away from satan’s sweet caress. I stood over this beaten and scared goat with a red scrotum and felt pity. Then I grabbed the closest chubby kid and sat him on the goat’s face, for smothercation (oh, I like that word, don’t you). That was a year ago, I was a different man, now I realize there is nothing right about taking another man… I mean goat’s life. Every time I see a baby goat, and you’d be surprised how often that happens… I give it money. I don’t know which one might be his child. But I’ll tell you this, if I had it to do all over again… I would’ve worn my Timberlands. Cause I got in that goat’s ass. Happy Anniversary to me! The End.

Tomorrow I will provide a revision of Atif’s early years. Since his father looked it up I’d hate for him to think I disrespected his son by pretending a man had his way with him. So tomorrow, though still told in classic TRich fashion, we will revisit the Atif Myers story. For those that feel like it may be a Meg episode of Family Guy I say “No.” More like a Quagmire episode. We’ll get there tomorrow. Moving on…

What makes a man? How tightly his pants outline his doodle. You’re welcome.

A year ago I laughed at the thought of going back to school, yesterday I received an “A” on a research paper I’m proud to have written (last minute, but that’s of no importance). Time flies…

The last few days of rain have been great, I’m sorry to see them go. Nothing funny there, I just like rain.

A long time ago I meant to start taking pictures with random old people just to look back and laugh. I haven’t and I’m ashamed of myself. This weekend I’m getting some old pics with the elderly at the Drafthouse shows. Also, since my lady friend looks white and approachable I feel like she’ll be able to help me get them to take the picture. They might just think I’m out to rob them. The true conquest for pictures this weekend will be if I can get one to look like we’re doing the dance from House Party. I think I can pull that off, don’t you?

Eating a Twix, King Size, mmm. Be jealous.

I just realized exactly how many people I called a friend a year ago that are no longer part of my life. Jesus, I must really have some social disorder. Mmm, Twix… sorry, it’s hard to concentrate on myself with all this caramel. How selfish of me, let’s talk more about this Twix bar. The word nugget (nu-get) may always make me laugh, I hope to be a crazy old man staring at a Mars bar laughing in a corner. Ah, to dream…

Where is Sisqo? Even though a lot of you may have been wishing for it, I feel like he isn’t dead… yet.

I could not believe what Chris Hayes “predicted” in HIS competition. I’m not going to talk $#!T but Jesus, that was unnecessary. Part of me feels like I made statements like that when I first started this blog and I’m deeply ashamed of myself. Sometimes I go back and look at the first (extremely bitter, probably cause I just wasn’t as funny as I thought I was) blogs and I wince at what I would say. That’s the nicest thing I can say after reading what he had to say. Ugg, shame on you.

I’m gonna work a little bit before I go eat lunch with a very beautiful woman (I’m looking at you beautiful, stanks!). We’ll pick up tomorrow with journeys through the life of “the beard” Atif.

Peaces

"Good, you've found someone special... now dance blog monkey!"

Let’s have some fun shall we?

Perhaps women just really like the smell of certain colognes, but men do not accept that as an answer. If a woman turn to a man and says “Mmm, what cologne is that you have on?” she just came onto him. In her mind it was a perfectly good question, maybe she wants to remember it; maybe she wants to buy it for her significant other. To the man who was asked the question it sounded more like “Mmm, impregnate me.” Of course there are many other scenarios where we mistake something innocent for being hit on, such as: Touching my arm (or any part of the body for that matter), waving, smiling, looking in my direction, eye contact, friendship, laughing at my jokes, sharing anything in common, politeness, having a boyfriend and still speaking with us and the dreaded saying “hello.”

With that said, another woman asked me what cologne I had on today while we got off the elevator. My response: “Prada, now stop nose raping me, I’m taken.”
Apparently there is an MMA fighter that has all of his limbs cut off before the joints. To watch him fight is supposed to be hilarious, and surprisingly he wins fights. Without giving it much thought, I knew immediately he could beat me in a fight. I would throw up uncontrollably once one of those nubs touched me. Especially if it touched me on my face… ugh.

I just recalled that mother called me last week to speak about my 13 year old sister’s recently watched videos on her computer. She insisted my sister was “curious” and started listing titles and stars such as “Brianna Banks.” It wasn’t until she got to that name that I believed my sister was watching porn. I’m very familiar with the name Brianna Banks… a little too familiar. Then, after I’d already swallowed the idea that my baby sister (who I used to dance with during Muppet Treasure Island, ah to be young) was tainted, Mom says “And, that’s the biggest penis I’ve ever seen in my life.” Classic.

What is the only difference between men and women that matters? A Johnson… thank you.

Reptiles don’t ask for permission, they just interrupt slow dances with your date at the prom. That is why they are not allowed in most formal dances.

The image of a bunch of old men playing GRUNDLE SOCCER keeps running through my mind. I don’t know why its so funny to me, maybe its all of that old skin dangling… I picture it a bunch of old men naked from the waist down and circling on particularly dangle-ish man with a grundle that knots when it hits the ground. He follows not to far behind whoever is handling “the ball” and they’re all wearing Pumas. What a game, what a nightmare.

What the hell happened to Nell Carter from Gimme a break?

On Sunday Nelson, my friend Josh and I were in Costco. We saw a sign that said a man named Fred something donated $150 to the Children’s Foundation (that might be missing a word but you know the balloon with red and yellow on it). I thought, aloud, “Where the f*ck was I when that guy felt like throwing away $150 dollars?! I would give him a piggy back around the city… for a few hours, for $150!” My eyes met with the old black cashier that lacked a sense of humor since the gym teacher tasted her sweaty shorts. She was not amused, I threw out “Please forgive me, I was raised uncaring, that seems like a waste of money and all he got was a balloon showing what a stupid thing he did with $150.” She responded, “The only person you need to apologize to is…” Instead of finishing the sentence, she pointed slowly upwards, to the heavens. What a b-word, but you know what, I bet somewhere her gym coach still laughs while holding 50 year old gym shorts. Thinking about how not only do the shorts have sweat residue, but her spirit, and all the laughter throughout her life that went along with it. Good on you gym teacher, good on you.

How is it someone can ask a question you know the answer to and still make you panic? My girl asked what color her eyes were, I know they’re brown. After I answered she got busy and didn’t give the mental high five that I was anticipating. I was freaking out, $#!T, I still am cause she still hasn’t let me know I was right. Please God, if I was wrong change her eye color with a bolt of lightning or something so I can save face.

Dear Wolf, if God decides he’s not going to help me out like I just asked for could you step in. I know it’s been awhile but I still buy three bananas a day, spunk in them, and put them back for strangers to just pick up. Praise be to the Wolf. Oh, and thanks for all of the rain lately.

Mmmkay, I’m going to finish my surfing (world wide web) and for those that do not know the sweet kiss of http://www.latinoreview.com/ step into the 21st century. You sicken me. They just reviewed Star Trek (B+, C), hopefully I’ll find time to form an opinion of my own.

Peaces.

Arlington Cinema N' Drafthouse, May 8th and 9th, it's gonna be fun...

Okay, so Ricky Hatton lost… black son of a b*tch. I want my money back. How does he call himself a professional? If I was a jerk off champ (for the sake of the argument) and I came out and literally "came out" in the first jerk or two I'd be finished. That's all I'm saying. Boo this man! F'n Boo Butter.

Come out to the Arlington Cinema N’ Drafthouse this weekend to see headliner Eric Schwartz! I believe I know the feature this weekend, he’s a black guy…me. The shows start at 9:45 PM Friday and Saturday, be there, be sexy.

Real blogging goodness tomorrow. I'm going to have lunch with my Sweet... Peaces.

And I don't know who you are, but your fly is down, wear underwear tomorrow...

Observe and Report was hilarious, see it and smack anyone who mentions Paul Blart: Mall Cop in the face. The movie first line is “Hey B^tch!” as a streaker unleashes the beast in a parking lot. Before moving on to the next scene we see him run from person to person (about 7) with a different line. My personal favorite was “Touch daddy’s d*ck!” Classic…

When I die I want my face cut off and made into a mask. Atif, are you there? I want you to wear my mask and distract the collections agencies so my future family can run to Alaska… where credit doesn’t exist. It's absolutely... Boo Butter.

Hunstville (DeAnn), it’s been about a year now, feels weird. I still look at my Grandpa’s cell phone number in my phone whenever I’m calling my grandmother. On the lighter side, every time “I’m alone” I pray he’s got better things to look at. Maybe he’s busy checking in on you. God I hope so.

Being fixated on someone and being on heroine must be a lot alike. My mind keeps drifting but even after I get pissed and try to focus I come back to them and smile. And I’ve started ignoring texts and calls from women (like Babygirl, remember her?). Oh God, I’m still smiling… AH!!!! Boo Butter.

If case anyone doesn’t know, apparently the restaurant next to Rock Bottom (ground floor of Ballston Commons Mall) turns into a mini club at night. I saw a lot of rhythm-less white folk shake a tail feather. Right before I got up to show them what dance moves really look like, I pulled something. Next time white folk, next time…

Terminator: Salvation looks more and more money with every preview. I never thought that would be the movie I was most excited to see this summer but… damn. How do you do it Christian Bale? How do you do it?

What is a good friend? A friend that you tell about your obsession with Pauly Shore movies. A friend that listens and doesn’t judge you for your cravings for the Wea...sel. Then calls you out of the blue to say that he got you a gig hosting for him. You didn’t ask, he just cared and did what a good friend does. I was unable to make it, but damn Jessie Thomas is a good friend to me. I was really f’n touched, seriously, and I hope one day I can show him the same type of friendship. Until then, I’m just waiting for my turn. I wish everyone could have friends like this, we all deserve them.

I have a meeting shortly so this is going to be a shorty, sorry. Have a great weekend everybody, stay safe, I’m appreciative for every friend I have! I love everyone! This girl is getting to me… damn!

Peaces