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Just as good as a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Anals of time


Hope we all had a great weekend. I helped some family, met with Babygirl, saw REALLY old friends, kissed (metaphorically) Kevin goodbye for a week while he goes to Florida with a girlfriend that NO ONE likes, drew sympathy from Eli, slept with a big grin on my face…. Oh yeah, and I finally saw Harold and Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay (the only way to see it is with your girlfriend Mary J.)

It kind of made me think of some embarrassing moments that I’ve picked up over the last 25 years… oh God I’m old. So for this particularly $#!TTY MON-day, I’m gonna take a trip down memory lane. The numbers next to the memories are not order, instead they represent how embarrassing this was for me on a scale of 1-10. Here we go:

9.4) Having to wake my then girlfriend up and explain that I drank too much and wet the bed we share. And she was in some of the spot.

7) Asking how much a bag cost at a Louis Vuitton store, only to have the clerk say “Well you know what they say, if you have to ask… you can’t afford it”. Everyone in the store laughed at my expense. I left the store after entertaining them for free. And, I could afford it, I’m just cheap.

5) When standing at the movies trying to decide what to see, I said it was too crowded in side let’s decide outside. I spun around to open the door and slammed full speed into the glass behind me. Everyone seemed to see it and start to laugh. As we killed time waiting for our movie people recognized me and propped me on how funny it was. More than an hour later…

10) While doing the dishes on summer, my mother posed an interesting question “Guess what your sister said to me in the grocery store the other day?” I didn’t know but it was rhetorical “She said, Mommy, why were Deaven and _____ having $3X in your bed?” I will not go into further detail but let’s just say it was one of those moments where I wanted to crawl out of my skin and watch the convo from somewhere else.

4) I kept getting erections one day but really needed to get up and get a soda. Something about going commando in a nice pair of slacks. While walking to the machine and older black guy is clearly looking right at the goods. He was just shaking his head “no” the whole walk towards me in passing. I still see him and hope he can’t remember, I’d be more embarrassed if I weren’t so blessed.

9) About a month and a half ago my supervisor pulled me aside to question a note to my friend who had just been promoted. “It was f*cked up that you left me down here, but you can make it up by introducing me to all those fine women up there” even the star in f*cked was there. I was sweating because I was pretty sure I was fired, and because it was an awkward conversation.

7) One day, years ago, I told me Momula that I’d $#!T in the trash can earlier in the week when I was home sick. I figured since I hadn’t just done it there was no need to be mad. And I think I tried to reason “Well, I was sick and it was just a stream…” She did not see the humor as I did. I was in a lot of trouble.

5) In first grade, a little girl told me that she had a crush on me in the beginning of school. I was so excited cause I like her too. I asked her to be my girlfriend. She informed me that she “used” to like me, now was not then. The first rejection I can remember, and even then my mind was working. “Why did you tell me that if you don’t like me anymore? To f*ck with me?”

4) The first time I saw Babygirl I was walking to my desk and she was moving toward my direction. I figured she was trying to get past so I began to shimmy out of her way. She wasn’t going that far, but I was so blinded that I just kept shimmying and fell into an empty cubicle. I don’t really know if she noticed, or if she saw and knew why I fell. I’ll ask someday.

9) While working at a dealership, years ago, I made the WORST first impression ever. Saturday morning and everyone is eating breakfast. It’s my first real day there. A woman says something to me but I can’t really understand her at all. She was really old looking, like 60 something, but I swore I heard her say something about penis. After giving it a little bit of thought, I decide to ask in front of everyone. “I’m sorry did you say PENIS?!” The room went deaf. No one said anything for about two minutes. Then the guy next to me asks his friend on the other side of him “Did anyone just hear that?” his friend says “Oh, I heard it, I’m just trying to pretend I didn’t”. Everyone picked up their food and left me alone in the room to fester. Awkward.

10) Crying like a baby, only to have my ex walk in and ask what’s wrong. “The Notebook, this movie is so sad!” That was all the reason I needed. But I still felt like a b*tch.

9) This just happened to me and made me feel pretty small. I was chasing my friend Stephanie down because she threw her trash at me. She does this everyday. When I caught up and began to say something she pulled her phone out and started sending a text with her phone about an inch away from my face. I was blown away by how rude that was and ran away so no one saw that happen to me. I’m better than that dang it.

Alright, I’m getting in my “eat lunch” mood so… peace. And much love to you. Laters.

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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