I’m sipping on a strawberry smoothie, no homo.
Rarely ever do I see anything that tugs at the heart strings but today was a rare occasion. Skimming through some messages, I saw a man’s desperate plea for help. I wish I could quote it verbatim (pretty sure it’s a conflict of interest) but I’ll try to sum up this very long note in my own special way.
- His debit cards were stolen
- He bought a house a couple of years ago and put thousands of dollars down on it
- He was bedridden for 3 months earlier this year
- Lost his job
- He was living in South Africa (I think that’s the saddest part, cause I hate Africans… yeah, I said that)
- He moved back to the DC area after his ex dumped him, I’m assuming he got better but who knows, women.
- He was unable to get a job and had “complications” with his landlord
- He moved back to South Africa (ugg!)
- Due to mortgage rates and being three months behind he now faces foreclosure
- Whenever he tries to sell the house, that he seems to be in love wih, his ex won’t sign. That means he can’t sell it (her name is on the house for those that are slow). She is forcing him into foreclosure!
- “i don't have permanent residency here; my ex broke up with me before i was eligible to get the south African equivalent of a social security number. this means that i spend 3 days on a bus every three months going back and forth to Zimbabwe [the bus is $50 each way and i have a free place to stay] i was there the week before the last election, when the political violence was obscene. i put myself in serious physical danger just to be able to pay my bills, and it seems like i'm going to lose everything anyway, and this just does not seem fair.” Damn
And here is the part where the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes that day. Throughout his entire story I thought to myself “Wow, he’s really taking all of this like a solider. His life is $#!T but he’s almost talking about it like it’s not happening to him.” Here is the last sentence of the message: “can you help me? [can you escalate this to a senior manager or someone who just doesn't look at raw numbers and can help me out?] i don't know what to do anymore, besides cry.”
An important note for all those young people that are so eager to jump into marriage. Just be careful, I’m not joking when I say most women are wh_res and they will ruin your life. All his problems weren’t cause by a woman, but she damn sure ain’t helping $#!T.
I should not have eaten Pizza Hut’s spicy Buffalo Wings last night, and definitely not with all that alcohol. That is a wake up call that my friends and I commonly call “The Whiskey $#!Ts”. I sat through traffic trying not to spill anything. I say spill cause there was nothing solid about my morning… nothing.
Come to think of it, Asparagus was probably a mistake too. I’m joking, I didn’t have time for Asparagus, but whenever that’s mentioned with bodily functions I can’t help but laugh.
Do you know what I love most about open mics? People who can’t stand me will speak to me just because they’re bored. I’m not going to say who I’m talking about but you can always tell when someone isn’t too fond of you still breathing. Yet they still shake your hand…
When you get home consider downloading (or buying if you’re like my mother) MC Hammer’s new-ish song “Yay”. Babygirl and I have been laughing at that all morning.
I case you got happy for me from that last sentence, don’t. She just really “likes” me, she keeps texting and talking to me. Damn that girl is fine.
R&B singer Ne-Yo looks like Magilla Gorilla. There, I said it.
In case you were not at Spy Lounge last night (don’t know where the f*ck else you’d be…oh yeah, Ike’s) let’s do THE LIST: Eli (touched my scrot when no one was looking), S.P.E. (Sean someone had to create a nickname for you, wait scratch that… Testical. I like that one better), Byward (never cares that people have “McNasty” on that floor, he always does that homeless guy bit and lies down), Adrian (I’m a f’n pimp, it’s summertime), Herbie (a fellow Kangol enthusiast), Will Hessler (Can I just call him Will? Do we have a better one in DC?), Tim & Sarah (Sarah ran out to go to Ike’s so let’s focus on Tim… he’s funny), Mike (I can’t remember his last name but he talks like a paranoid schizophrenic), Jacques (Truth: The only thing that popped into my mind was “A true mutha-f*ckin-Mack”, that’s funny to me), Becca (is not a comic, but the only thing holding her back is jokes), Bryson (everytime I see him the clouds part so God can get a better look, no homo) and of course THE FOWLEST (that n*gga is just… plain… wait for it…. GAY) he’s been missed, mostly by me. I was a little pissed about how initially the people on street kept on passing me by. I even got dissed a couple times when asking for a high five (really?!), and the Fowlest had to check me. He didn’t have to slap in my teeth like he did though, but I love him.
Going back to the high fives, let me speak on this black guy who denied me. First of all, as much as I’ve said what I feel like on the street, no one has ever threatened or even taken offense to something I’ve said. It kind of surprises me, but I almost want someone to one day. Yesterday this older black guy (pudgy f*ck) had me thinking he was going to be the first one. Nothing is gay about a high five and when I asked him for one he kept it moving like I was going to rob him. So I shouted something to him like “Damn man, really I can’t get a high five?!” He spun around with a really angry look and began to put his hand in the air like he was going to put his finger in my face. I was giving the benefit of the doubt so I put the hand back up for him to hit that $#!T. He opened his mouth and said “No” and spun back around and kept it moving. All the @sshole comics laughed at me. He hurt my feelings. The end.
I gave my phone number to the married woman from Friday. I’M WEAK!!!!!!
We always want what we can’t have. Case in point: I wanted Babygirl, she wanted friendship. This girl on my floor with kids wants me, I want Ruffles potato chips. See…
Wait a second, I can have Ruffles potato chips…. It is done.
When I got home last night I Kamehameha’d Nelson. For those unfamiliar with the Dragonball Z: Burst Limit commercial let me explain. I opened the door and he was in the kitchen pouring a drink of Vodka. He said “What’s up?” I replied “Kamehameha!” and kicked him in the nuts. Later in the evening, in the midst of serious conversation, he pulled out his “bean bag” about two inches from my face. Oh the games that straight men play…
I think I’ll go read everyone else’s blogs this is just dribble.
Rarely ever do I see anything that tugs at the heart strings but today was a rare occasion. Skimming through some messages, I saw a man’s desperate plea for help. I wish I could quote it verbatim (pretty sure it’s a conflict of interest) but I’ll try to sum up this very long note in my own special way.
- His debit cards were stolen
- He bought a house a couple of years ago and put thousands of dollars down on it
- He was bedridden for 3 months earlier this year
- Lost his job
- He was living in South Africa (I think that’s the saddest part, cause I hate Africans… yeah, I said that)
- He moved back to the DC area after his ex dumped him, I’m assuming he got better but who knows, women.
- He was unable to get a job and had “complications” with his landlord
- He moved back to South Africa (ugg!)
- Due to mortgage rates and being three months behind he now faces foreclosure
- Whenever he tries to sell the house, that he seems to be in love wih, his ex won’t sign. That means he can’t sell it (her name is on the house for those that are slow). She is forcing him into foreclosure!
- “i don't have permanent residency here; my ex broke up with me before i was eligible to get the south African equivalent of a social security number. this means that i spend 3 days on a bus every three months going back and forth to Zimbabwe [the bus is $50 each way and i have a free place to stay] i was there the week before the last election, when the political violence was obscene. i put myself in serious physical danger just to be able to pay my bills, and it seems like i'm going to lose everything anyway, and this just does not seem fair.” Damn
And here is the part where the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes that day. Throughout his entire story I thought to myself “Wow, he’s really taking all of this like a solider. His life is $#!T but he’s almost talking about it like it’s not happening to him.” Here is the last sentence of the message: “can you help me? [can you escalate this to a senior manager or someone who just doesn't look at raw numbers and can help me out?] i don't know what to do anymore, besides cry.”
An important note for all those young people that are so eager to jump into marriage. Just be careful, I’m not joking when I say most women are wh_res and they will ruin your life. All his problems weren’t cause by a woman, but she damn sure ain’t helping $#!T.
I should not have eaten Pizza Hut’s spicy Buffalo Wings last night, and definitely not with all that alcohol. That is a wake up call that my friends and I commonly call “The Whiskey $#!Ts”. I sat through traffic trying not to spill anything. I say spill cause there was nothing solid about my morning… nothing.
Come to think of it, Asparagus was probably a mistake too. I’m joking, I didn’t have time for Asparagus, but whenever that’s mentioned with bodily functions I can’t help but laugh.
Do you know what I love most about open mics? People who can’t stand me will speak to me just because they’re bored. I’m not going to say who I’m talking about but you can always tell when someone isn’t too fond of you still breathing. Yet they still shake your hand…
When you get home consider downloading (or buying if you’re like my mother) MC Hammer’s new-ish song “Yay”. Babygirl and I have been laughing at that all morning.
I case you got happy for me from that last sentence, don’t. She just really “likes” me, she keeps texting and talking to me. Damn that girl is fine.
R&B singer Ne-Yo looks like Magilla Gorilla. There, I said it.
In case you were not at Spy Lounge last night (don’t know where the f*ck else you’d be…oh yeah, Ike’s) let’s do THE LIST: Eli (touched my scrot when no one was looking), S.P.E. (Sean someone had to create a nickname for you, wait scratch that… Testical. I like that one better), Byward (never cares that people have “McNasty” on that floor, he always does that homeless guy bit and lies down), Adrian (I’m a f’n pimp, it’s summertime), Herbie (a fellow Kangol enthusiast), Will Hessler (Can I just call him Will? Do we have a better one in DC?), Tim & Sarah (Sarah ran out to go to Ike’s so let’s focus on Tim… he’s funny), Mike (I can’t remember his last name but he talks like a paranoid schizophrenic), Jacques (Truth: The only thing that popped into my mind was “A true mutha-f*ckin-Mack”, that’s funny to me), Becca (is not a comic, but the only thing holding her back is jokes), Bryson (everytime I see him the clouds part so God can get a better look, no homo) and of course THE FOWLEST (that n*gga is just… plain… wait for it…. GAY) he’s been missed, mostly by me. I was a little pissed about how initially the people on street kept on passing me by. I even got dissed a couple times when asking for a high five (really?!), and the Fowlest had to check me. He didn’t have to slap in my teeth like he did though, but I love him.
Going back to the high fives, let me speak on this black guy who denied me. First of all, as much as I’ve said what I feel like on the street, no one has ever threatened or even taken offense to something I’ve said. It kind of surprises me, but I almost want someone to one day. Yesterday this older black guy (pudgy f*ck) had me thinking he was going to be the first one. Nothing is gay about a high five and when I asked him for one he kept it moving like I was going to rob him. So I shouted something to him like “Damn man, really I can’t get a high five?!” He spun around with a really angry look and began to put his hand in the air like he was going to put his finger in my face. I was giving the benefit of the doubt so I put the hand back up for him to hit that $#!T. He opened his mouth and said “No” and spun back around and kept it moving. All the @sshole comics laughed at me. He hurt my feelings. The end.
I gave my phone number to the married woman from Friday. I’M WEAK!!!!!!
We always want what we can’t have. Case in point: I wanted Babygirl, she wanted friendship. This girl on my floor with kids wants me, I want Ruffles potato chips. See…
Wait a second, I can have Ruffles potato chips…. It is done.
When I got home last night I Kamehameha’d Nelson. For those unfamiliar with the Dragonball Z: Burst Limit commercial let me explain. I opened the door and he was in the kitchen pouring a drink of Vodka. He said “What’s up?” I replied “Kamehameha!” and kicked him in the nuts. Later in the evening, in the midst of serious conversation, he pulled out his “bean bag” about two inches from my face. Oh the games that straight men play…
I think I’ll go read everyone else’s blogs this is just dribble.
1 comment:
A couple things: 1) It was 2008 when I wrote this. 2) Almost everything I write is random/false/tongue in cheek, I'm a little sorry you think I walk around hating Africans with every breath (I don't like being called African Amercian because I haven't traced my roots back that far and am in no way African). Lastly, I have African FRIENDS. And I don't really understand why I would care if your husband is African, I would have to know who you were for that to make a difference. Hope I've cleared this up, peaces.
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