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Just as good as a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.

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Thursday, February 28, 2008

To the beach James, and do it... sexy

I'm excited for a few reasons today:
  1. Get to use some leave and get out of work at 1:30

  2. Quality time in the car jammin' and probably watching Superbad

  3. Going to a new club for the first time

Hopefully, Va Beach Funnybone is kind and full of people that love to hand out high fives. That's the perfect atmosphere for a young swede like myself. "Your Swedish?" Nope, but when I dream I only see myself as a young man dancing on the hills... and making out with that lady from the Sound of Music. But, that's a story for my psychologist's ears and not yours. Moving on...

My boss gave me the best good morning ever since he thought tomorrow was my last day in my current position. Seemed a little down when I corrected him with "Oh, actually next Friday is my last day", then there was a slip up on words. I said "Yeah, I'm gonna have a Snickers" he said "I'm sorry what was that?" I repeat "Snickers, that's how I celebrate everything". Yet again, he seemed a little down... I wonder what he thought I said instead of Snickers? (Strippers, Stickers, Smuckers... hmmm)

To anyone that woke up before 6 am this morning, I feel your pain. But a little secret from me to you, if you sleep at just the right times in your commute you'll catch up on that extra hour. Just remember to open your eyes when coming to a light and when you squint, make sure that you keep one eye on the brake lights ahead of you. But careful, my momma's out there in traffic too.

Ever heard a man who is (horribly) disabled tell a 9/11 joke? I have, and I immediately lost all sympathy for his plight. Not cause I cared about 9/11 (though I did tear up, A LOT, while watching World Trade Center last week) but because he proved that he had a black heart just like me. Before he spoke I was under the impression that most of his thought revolved around hope, equality and acceptance... proved me wrong though. Touche' Mr. Crazy Legs, touche.

Be nice to your grandmothers cause one day she'll do your taxes. And if you're not nice to her she'll send them out without your signature on them or your direct deposit information. Then you'll have to wait for 20 to 28 days AFTER the IRS has received it to expect them to mail you a check. I'm not that old so I've never filed what might as well be called "Paper Filing" but I imagine this is exactly what the early 90's were like... Hell. So tell Granny that you love her, and not to f@ck you on your taxes.

I want to put a banzai tree at my new desk but if I ever saw someone walk up and touch it I would flip out and touch their face.

Ugly people do not make beautiful children, someone has to bring something to the table. Almost everyday I look behind me at this woman's pictures, and oh my is she proud, and I make a face every time. One of them, whom I loath, does work with me. But, they are the definition of one of the 1,000 reasons I don't want daughters: "Aw, you look just like your Dad" those are words that no female should hear, but I'm willing to bet they are very familiar with that saying. By the way, the Dad looks like he's done a stretch in Rikers. Yeah.

This morning the first words I heard before I could turn on a television were "Hey, you got a plunger?"- Kevin

I'll type for a little tomorrow and hopefully I'll have nothing but good vibrations. Laters

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Two blogs for the price of...wait these are free. S#!t

Okay, I got a little busy with "work" yesterday so here is what I missed and today's:

Tuesday's Blog of Strength: Last night was cool, seems like we can either have a lot of comics at the Spy Lounge or we can have some audience members. One day the two shall meet and OOOOHHHH! that's gonna be nice. One thing that everyone says is important and I have always hated is hosting an open mic. You'll feel like a dick if you yell "Hey shut up in the back and let's have some comedy... $#!t." But, if you do nothing then people slowly start sliding you an eye like "Shut them the f@ck up... $#!t." If I only I had a robotic arm, then they'd fall in line... or die by handshake. (insert evil orgasmic laughter here) That's nice.

Atif... there's a topic. Moving on.

Today I'm sitting in my cube of shame with a "Slave Fro", I referred to someone bringing that back in style last night(look up a little) and then I feel asleep without a du-rag on. My hair is a little to long at the moment to just crawl in bed and jump out to go to work. Why didn't I wake up earlier? "A n*gga was tired as $#!t this morning" Why don't you get a hair cut "To avoid ignorant banter about Barack Obama(love Hayword's new bit) "How's your leg? "A little cramped, thanks for asking" (Sorry, I got off topic. I like asking myself questions.)

Well it's been confirmed Taye Diggs is gay. No, he's not.... that was pure jealousy.
end.

Wednesday's blog, which should turn you on... then off: Well it's nice to see we're all caught up. I'm trying to relax today and get some good cubicle sleep so I'll be alert for my drive tomorrow. Internal promotions are a lot easier on the employee than regularly quitting a job, but there are still odd instances where you feel like you're quitting. I was in a meeting last week where a few new policies were discussed and some housekeeping rules were laid out on paper. fortunately I'm just about out of here so I sat and laughed to myself. The laugh of a man who has spent 3 years on the grill and just found out that he got a job outside of Mc-e-D's, there's a little (rhymes with joygasm) in that laugh. And, when he feels he's laughed long enough he goes to the bathroom to skim the scum from his BVD's.... lot of laughter in them draws. And, don't act like that wasn't a long way to go for a S#!t joke... cause it was. Sorry

We're gonna have a BLACK president. Yes.

If you haven't seen Gone Baby Gone, do.
Ways I could die happy:

  1. Smothered in boob

  2. Collapsing after swearing at a mime

  3. Exhaustion from slapping a flesh covered robot... Nelson

  4. Choking on anything from Wendy's

  5. High fiving Barack Obama, while he's assassinated

  6. Mauled by Sasquatch after selling his picture, in my mansion

  7. Stabbed while stabbing a Furry

  8. (insert random joke about being in U of Illinois whilst killer came through door... it's too soon)

  9. Watching a clown beg for his family's lives. Then killing me when I killed them anyway.

  10. In a battle for Dragonballs

  11. Being any important character on 24, that show is to be worshipped

  12. Shot while watching 6'7 jail-looking black man "Crank dat Soulja Boy"

Okay, well it's time for me to resume the workday. I'll try to think of something worthwhile, like freedom, to write about tomorrow... but probably won't.

Laters





















Monday, February 25, 2008

Today smells new.... like a sneaker


So, what's new with everyone?
Nothing but good things I hope.
Last night I had dreams of fighting my father.... what the h does that mean?! Oh well, I carry keys for situations just like those. I'm strapped BIA7ch!

Another reminder: Gears of War 2 is coming November 2008!!!!
<--------

Thursday I hit the road to visit the Va Beach Funnybone. Should be fun, I better get a couple new records downloaded cause that drive is serious. I got a special feeling that was new to me on Saturday, a GM calling me. Never really happened, most times a message has been relayed to me via someone else. I hope to keep writing good stuff so that I can hold onto that kinda phone call. I won't say exactly what type of dance I might have mini-done when I realized who was on the phone, but...




Is anyone else really craving No Country for Old Men? I can't wait to see this, though I can admit some of it was due to the Academy Awards, it's mostly due to everyone I trust or relate to saying "That's a bad Muthaf@cker!!!"- The Fowlest(Jermaine)

On a completely unrelated note.... "Shut up Jermaine". He likes that kinda talk
Apparently Ike's is canceled today, so Eli and I would love to see as many comics as possible tonight. To make it sound better "It's an extravaganza!!!" there, now come. And bring stomach for beer and punch and pie. Cause I said so.
What is with females that you treat like garbage, they just get more attracted to you. Trips me out, but I guess that's something I'm not supposed to understand... cause of my (rhymes with Venus). Oh well, at least my dog is always blunt about what he wants( to piss everywhere ).
NELSON had a female over on Saturday night. I was so proud that even if I hadn't just finished taking out the trash and cleaning up, I would have. One day I'm going to figure out exactly what song makes women lose all inhibition and un-ass some of that chute. I'll tell you this, it's not in Guitar Hero 3 or Rock Band. In fact those games, when played with your tongue out and sweat dripping from your face, are known to cause the exact opposite effect. Men gather around to praise your mastery of the plastic guitar and you high five and bump chest til' someone accidentally kisses you. And no, we did not play any games in front of her. Kevin and I made an exit stage left as to leave young Nelson-ovich to his devices. I hope he knows it ain't no fun if the homies can't have none... yeah, he knows(choo- choo) :)


















Friday, February 22, 2008

"Get inside guys, there's a $#!t storm comin'!"- Randy Quaid


It's that special time of the week when we say goodbye to showering, stop brushing our teeth and let a good weekend funk sit in til Monday morning. Right? (echo echo ) S#!t I've said too much... Just have a great weekend. And for crying out loud, "Someone find something to replace the Laughing Lizard showcase!".

Laters

Thursday, February 21, 2008

The Furries are coming?!.... Oh.

If you have a free half hour, please educate yourself on what Furries are :http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Furry_fandom

Welcome back, for those of you that took the time to read that page.... was that not creepy yet hilarious? A love it and can see myself wearing one of those fur suits right now. Maybe it's cause I never got hired at Chuck E. Cheese to be the rat, but something in me really wants the glory of a suit that makes people smile, just to perform horrible acts. Like ruining children's games dressed as an owl. I would run onto a soccer field and "swoop down on"(basically just sit down on) the soccer ball, and make threatening throat noises at the children who tried to come get it. Til the cops show up I think that's some good ol' fashioned free fun.


Bought a new type of toothpaste yesterday.... Heaven.

Well, it's Thursday... sucks.

Laters

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

That's a good weekend...

I had a blast, got to jump on a stage here and there, lined up some stuff in the future, got new headshots, locked my keys in my car in Richmond, had a decent crowd at Spy Lounge and a lot of stuff I can't type while at work. Bless you President's Day, Bless you. I'm really excited about a new bit, but I have no idea how I'm gonna say the word "nuts" 30 times without eventually laughing. It got to me last night and I hope I can control that soon, I think it's gonna be a keeper once I got that part down.
DC Improv showcase tonight!!!!! Keith, Doo- Doo(Marcus is so much better than that name), Eli, and more!!!!!!!! Ever notice how we throw in "and more" when we can't remember, oh well.
For my Richmond luvahs, I will see you on March 11th, I'll be hosting the Clash of the Comics at the Funnybone. TRich-licious, oh... I like that one.

Michael Woodward was a great guy, he tried his best to make me feel welcome and relaxed. However, as I am fidgitty and pretty neurotic, it was hard to relax with someone taking pictures. And, it became a game of "Let's use that, oh and grab that". I made the "mistake" of not bringing a lot of props and stuff, which is fine but eventually I was like "I'm out of poses that I can strike and still claim to be straight". But, I was very happy with everything and love the fact that I have professional head shots now. I'm off to Hollywood to make snuff films Ma!

I actually had someone ask me if that Rick Moranis blog from last week was true.... of course it is.

I wish I could remember the comic's name from last night that had on a 7-year-old's hoodie. You know who you are, you better have burned that thing. Much laughing was had at the expense of that hoodie... good times, good times.

It's always a bad sign when you wake up to go to work and you feel like you're watching a movie through your minds eye. This morning I got asked by a casting director if I can look sickly.... I had all these "Yep, right now" lines, but instead went with a classic... "Yes". I stood up when I finally awoke, and it felt like a scene from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Needless to say, the weekend had it's way with me, and we're getting married. I'm in love, I'm off the market and.... it's just like everyone's told me "It'll just happen when you're not looking for it to happen". And she was right in front of me the whole time, I love you Weekend. She's never there when I call, but she's always on time.

Laters.... from Tyler and Weekend Richardson!!!

Friday, February 15, 2008

Bonus DAY!!!!!!!!..... don't rob me.

Nothing better than waking up with a lot of money, that isn't really yours. Sure you worked for it, but not really. And the best part is that I have nothing to buy. Ah, three day weekends. Oh yeah, I will be posting my new head shots on Monday-ish, or whenever I receive them in my hand. Hopefully my face won't cause the photo to make people turn away from what could be a great picture. But, why would it?...(Cause you ugly) shut up, stupid inner-voice. I found out that the polo I threw on for casual Friday was not a part of the clean clothes I threw in a spot from the dryer. When did I find this out you ask? About 2/3 of the way to work this morning. I looked down at my crotch area and noticed that there was a stain that looked as though I ate Beefaroni and then sneeze-coughed and goo from that combo went on the edge of my shirt. Luckily, I immediately thought, "Oh well, I was gonna tuck my shirt in anyway. No one's gonna see that." Then I looked on my left breast and noticed that there was a something that looks like green eggs and ham. There ain't no hiding that one. So, I'll be buying a new shirt come lunch time if my little crew heads to the mall or near it. That, or I'll be hunched at my desk praying for 4:20 to arrive... yep, there's a little double meaning there.

We're having a cake party at 11 am at work... there is no possible way that any one is expected to get anything done today. But, I'm giving it a decent attempt until 10:30. That's when I take off my outfit and put on my clown suit in the bathroom. Little known fact, most adults enjoy the corny antics of a clown more than children. I don't know any magic tricks or anything, I'm just gonna toss out some groin thrusts in front of as many people desks as I can get away with before security is alerted. I can see it now...."Get your damn hands off me. I work here. You're hurting a clown. I bet you don't please your wife. Okay damnit I said I'm leaving." Yeah, that's how you party for bonus day...
Yesterday I got an important call, I mistook it for another almost-as-important call. I think it made me look more important than I am. Cause really, who the F@ck is Tyler Richardson?! And in the end I got some good news. I'll wait for the second call before I jinx that bit of news.

I will be in Richmond this weekend to pay the Funnybone a much needed visit. Has it really been a month Richmond? You've gained so much weight...

Been on a huge binge of The Strokes lately. Maybe it's because of Rock Band and Guitar Hero having the song Reptilia(juicier than a medium well steak). I just wish I understood more of what that lead singer was saying. If only we could do the same thing with comedy. "mbmrrs sisne isous cocmee" HAHAHA, he's so funny... what the F@ck is he saying?... Get that guy out of here. It doesn't matter what he's saying, he's hilarious.
"Why do you build me up, Buttercup baby just to ..." I'm sorry, I've reflected on songs that I love way too much this week. We'll pick up that song next week.

Well, it's that time again where we say good-bye til' the weekend is through. I hate it, yet I also never want the weekend to end. A vicious circle. Also, if anyone sees the Fowlest, give the lil' bastard a great big ball tap for me. He'll understand I promise. But, be quick, I'm pretty sure he's strapped.

LATERS....

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Since it's Valentine's Day....


Things have come to a pretty pass


Our romance is growing flat,


For you like this and the other


While I go for this and that,


Goodness knows what the end will be


Oh I don't know where I'm at
It looks as if we two will never be one


Something must be done:




You say either and I say either, You say neither and I say neither


Either, either Neither, neither, Let's call the whole thing off.


You like potato and I like potahto, You like tomato and I like tomahto


Potato, potahto, Tomato, tomahto, Let's call the whole thing off


But oh, if we call the whole thing off Then we must part


And oh, if we ever part, then that might break my heart


So if you like pyjamas and I like pyjahmas, I'll wear pyjamas and give up pyajahmas


For we know we need each other so we , Better call the whole off off


Let's call the whole thing off.




You say laughter and I say larfter, You say after and I say arfter


Laughter, larfter after arfter, Let's call the whole thing off,


You like vanilla and I like vanella, You saspiralla, and I saspirella


Vanilla vanella chocolate strawberry, Let's call the whole thing off


But oh if we call the whole thing of then we must part


And oh, if we ever part, then that might break my heart


So if you go for oysters and I go for ersters, I'll order oysters and cancel the ersters


For we know we need each other so we, Better call the calling off off,


Let's call the whole thing off.




I say father, and you say pater, I saw mother and you say mater


Pater, mater Uncle, auntie, let's call the whole thing off.


I like bananas and you like banahnahs, I say Havana and I get HavahnahBananas, banahnahs


Havana, Havahnah, Go your way, I'll go mine


So if I go for scallops and you go for lobsters, So all right no contest we'll order lobseter


For we know we need each other so we, Better call the calling off off,


Let's call the whole thing off.




Happy Valentine's Day Everybody!


Laters...

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

The Secret Life of Rick Moranis

To some the 80's were just a time when music was happier and AIDS had just begun to run rampant. "But do you recall the most wonderful reindeer of all!".... I'm sorry that's a different legend. I'm hear today to speak of the biggest little man to grace the silver screen. He was a man that made the lovable dork something of a commodity. Without him there is now way to be certain that we would ever grow to love Shaquille O'Neal, George Clooney, Matt Damon or Bow Wow. But, what most don't realize when they think back is that he was more than a star, he was heroism personified. Here I will attempt to tell some of his story, based on testimonials and folklore of the man behind the man behind the man.

After being a DJ that spun record that would make your mother raise her skirt, Rick Moranis went to Chi-Town to be a part of SCTV(Second City Television.... you should know that). But while making the world fall in love with the root beer drinking Canadian Bob, he was handling matters on the street. Here is an account of one night's events as told by Alan Sanders of Rhode Island: "Well, I was just out of college and looking for job by day and bussing dishes by night. So, I get off work one night and these guys are waiting in the alley that led to my apartment. I'd been mugged before, no big deal, but something was off about these guys. They all jacked up and just wanted to hurt somebody. They beat me pretty good and right when I thought I was gonna die for sure... there he came. I remember hearing someone scream out a lot of expletives that started with the words LET'S GET IT ON MOTHERF@CKERS!, and I really only remember it because I smiled when he pronounced it so proper. And, he just, well... he just came with the thunder. He whipped the ever-living S#!t out of those guys. He made on bite the curb; pretty sure that guy died, but he saved my life that night. And while I never got the best look at his face, once I saw Ghostbusters I knew. That's the guy, that's the guy that allowed me to live and impregnate my future wife. My children, and their children owe him their lives. Thank you Rick."


Time went by, Rick managed to hide his urges to defend the innocent at night, and continued his big screen success. Ellen Greene from the Little Shop of Horrors- "When he came to work there was this glisten about his brow... like he hadn't slept all night. Sometimes when we kissed on the set I felt like he was gonna suck me in. You could just tell he was stronger than he looked. The scene where my arm was in a sling, remember, well it was all bruised up from a previous scene with Rick. He was just too strong. He was just too strong..."


Still success couldn't run away from Moranis. There was one person who called Rick out on his awkward sleep habits and routine lateness to the set... Tom Arnold. During the filming of Big Bully in 1995, Arnold questioned Moranis on why he had to wait for 11 minutes for him to come out of make-up. Tom Arnold- "Yeah,(licked his lips in the crazy way) I ask one question and he punched me right in the knee cap... never experienced anything like it. So... I left it alone. Hey Rick! He isn't gonna see this right?"


So why after more than a decade of making good people love and laugh, and making the streets red with the blood of the wicked did Rick Moranis disappear? He tells us that when his wife died of cancer he found the schedule grueling when taking care of his kids. But... is that the truth? An anonymous letter received during our search would suggest otherwise. Here is what the letter read:


Dear Inquirer,


I really do not know why you are tracing the life of a man who wants to stay out of the public eye. Asking questions only disrupts the many works that he has dedicated the last 11 years to. To truly weave in and out of your society he had to go away. Most people under 30 might not be able to recognize him on the street now. He could be buying fruit behind you in the grocery store, or he could be pretending to talk on a phone whilst eavesdropping in on your conversation. But rest assured that when the time comes to act he will not hesitate to unleash a fury that police aren't capable of. His quest is to snatch the very genitals of wrong doers, bite the lips off of those who would speak evil against the good... and most importantly clean the streets up for the next geek growing to live in. He doesn't do any of this for himself, though sure, there is some satisfaction in stabbing a hoodlum, but he does it for us. So the next time you hear of a drive by shooting that was gang related, don't wonder "I wonder who did that?" but think "Moranis got another one!"


I'll be watching,

Mick Roranis


Well, whoever that letter was from, we got the message loud and clear buddy. Laters

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

What the H3ll is h3at?!

Anyone who considers themselves an electronics nut or a videogame freak should be having trouble breathing right now. This is not what the PSP will look like, just a skilled fan's interpretation of what the next generation should be. But, this photo has apparently got the world going nuts right now. I can't say I don't understand. Cause it's beautiful. Words... can't.... speak.... Love.

I hope that we're all gettin' out there and voting for Barack Obama. Cause he's black, yep I said it. I don't care how ignorant it sounds, I want to see a black man become president and I wouldn't care what type of campaign he was running on. Maybe he said that he believes we all need to cut off our pinky toes so we can run faster... that's crazy as $#!t but I'll still vote for him. And when he's sworn into office, a single tear will drop from my eye as I watch the bullet from a redneck pierce his light skinned skull. "Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left.... Back, and to the left."

It was so cold last night I don't think my teeth stopped chattering until I got home. I guess it didn' help that we all had to stand outside until 8 either.... Oh well, I'm alive.



(Tyler dropped dead)





Monday, February 11, 2008

Rice rice gravy

Not to be lude, but let me start by saying that I had a LOT of chili yesterday. When anyone has something spicy like that they think "Please God, let me go early in the morning or late afternoon. Just don't let this hit me in the middle of traffic". But, we aren't in control of that now are we. I thought I had that whole situation under my control when I went several times before I left home. Nothing was really happening but I thought I'd take care of any initial wave before I went and jumped in the car. How wrong I was to try and predict the unpredictable. So, long story short, I had a terrible drive through traffic. I began to toy with the idea of just giving up and walking in and working with an accident(get it). Then one of my supervisors is bound to get informed that there is someone in their team that smells like S#!t, and they'll ask me to leave without making me use any of my leave hours... right? Ah, to dream.

The Fowlest put me on to this new video, can't really describe it since I'm at work but if you want in on the magic, e-mail me at devohaven@gmail.com.... it's definitely worth it. India!

I did not watch the Grammys but couldn't help but see pictures of Aretha Franklin.... S#!t. Sleeves woman, Jesus.

My Granmama told me that she has arthritis yesterday. Now I have two missions in life: 1) Find a cure for arthritis, cause that's my grams. 2) Make her prepare a cookbook before her hands become completely useless. I can't live without her chili and gumbo. What type of life is that?!

Watching Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is not the same when you're sober.... that is all.

If there is anything that's more awkward than being at a friend's house when they are in an argument, then it would definitely be seeing their old dog with asthma almost die right in front of you. I happened to be dominating someone in Wii Tennis when I panicked thinking this old beagle was gonna kick the bucket right next to me. Good news is: I still spanked that @$$... and the dog lived. Win, win.

For some reason if you search 10000bc.com I am the only thing that comes up that isn't encrypted non-sense. Hurray for English speaking neandrathals... I'm still not gonna see that crap though.

And you know what, since I'm pleasing the masses, all the Koreans that come to this everyday looking for lyrics to My, My, My by Johnny Gil(I don't know why it's in such heavy rotation in Korea but, for over a year several come everyday and are disappointed... NO LONGER. DRINK KOREANS, DRINK!)

So good

My, my my my

You look so sweet

Listen

Put on your red dress, and slip on your high heels

And some of that sweet perfume

It sure smells good on you

Slide on your lipstick

And let all your hair down

Cause baby when you get through

I'm gonna show off you

Tonight will be a special night

No matter where we go

And I'm so proud to be with you

I just wanna let you know


Chorus 1:You got me sayin my my my

My my my my

You sure look good tonight

And you're so damn fine
I wanna say my my my

My my my my

You sure look good tonight

After all this time

Slip on your night gown

Step in our bedroom

First I wanna take some time

I just wanna look at you

Girl you are so fine, I can't believe my eyes

And all that I wanna do

I wanna make love to you

Tonight will be a special night

Of many more to come

And I'm so proud to be with you

So proud to share your love


Chorus 2:My my my

My my my my

You sure look good tonight

My my my

My my my my

You sure look good tonight

I wanna say my my my my my, my my my my my

My my, my my

Make love all night long

Make love until the break of dawn

Come on, come on

Sweet little thing, yes you do

Yes you do, you do...

And I'm so proud to be with you

So proud to share your love


{Chorus 2}I wanna love you

I wanna love you in every way, every way

Let me
Let me show you how sweet it's gonna be

I wanna show you things that you never

You never never ever seen before

Put your night gown on

Let your hair hang low

Step in our room, I'm in the mood

To love you all night long

You got me sayin my my my my...


{Chorus 2} (repeat til end)See all you got to do, all you got to do

Say that you'll be mine, all mine, all mine...

You'll be all mine tonight baby

Let me, let me show you how sweet it's gonna be

My my my my my...
There, now everybody's happy... Laters
P.S.- See you at the Spy Lounge

Friday, February 08, 2008

"My cheeks clinched, but there were no screams"

Driver
Photo courtesy of Melissa Lee
Okay, it has been a little while but I'm back. I haven't gotten out much in the past few weeks because of my car and the strange noises that my brakes were making. With that said, I can now get back on stages without fear of getting stranded or in a life threatening accident. Now as for my week: Tuesday- OH, we'll get to that. Wednesday- Chillaxed at home, I never blog from there. Too busy with something else. Thursday- In a development class, nowhere near my cuby. Which leads us up to today. In one week I get my fat f@ck!ng bonus and the tax return is still on the way. Ah, what a lovely time of year it is. And next week I interview for a J.O.B at my company for more money. If my dog would learn to cook for himself(and his master) I can't imagine how life could get any better. Let's talk about Tuesday...

(I think I'm gonna do this whole story in short sentences... yep) Leaving work, feeling great. Headed down route 123. Coming to a red. That Mustang just cut me off. Looks new, I should brake. Not braking. Swerve left and go to church. Try to stop, breathe. Call auto shop. I can make it. No, I can't. Call Josh. Shouldn't chat with no brakes. Hang up. Look up. Both lanes stopped but light is green. I'm doing 50 easy. Sidewalk, right tires. Bump... went over median. White guy next to me is giving a thumbs up(I'm dead serious). Pull into parking lot. Apply E-Brake. Look back at situation. S#!t !

Well, get out there and enjoy your weekend. We'll talk on Monday, and I'll actually be at the Spy Lounge on Monday... What?!
Laters

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Strangers with Candy

Yesterday was a pretty interesting day. I met an old man while walking around. This particular old man is white. But that's got very little to do with our story. His name escapes me at the moment but for the sake of fun, let's call him Jake. Every Friday or so, Jake will come by the place I work and sell massive pastries and things for next to nothing. And, it's delicious! He takes all this money, cause you better believe the fat people know to keep an eye out for him, to a charity and keeps enough to buy more ingredients. If that ain't respectable then I don't want to know what is.

Yesterday I walked Kevin to his car, cause he'd just wrapped up an interview. We had been kicking around the complex and seen Jake and the security people talking earlier. While I attempted to sneak in a side door without do a "stop and chat", I got caught. So there I am, pulled outside like a 8th grader that can't stop talking through class. Once outside, he told me to pick something. I'd never eaten any of his food, despite everyone comparing it to heroin.... Why do they have that frame of reference? I went with a safe bet, THE GI-HUGE-ON BROWNIE... with nuts. I was flattered that he would just give a stranger a free anything, so then the small talk begins.

He asked me where Kevin was, though I think it was put more like "Where'd your white buddy go?" I explained that he went home and just had an interview, and that it would be cool working together since we're roommates. He replies, "Yeah my partner and I started off working together, come to think of it we been together for 29 years now.... You gay?" I responded with the most non-homo phobic "no" that I could get out. So, then this man, who is an easy 65 really let me peek into the window of his mind. From there he eyed me up like a young stake. And, I gotta be honest, I felt like an attractive female that getting hit on by her boss. I didn't move and couldn't scream but in my mind I was restless.

Well, from that question forward, whenever I'd change the subject he'd change it right back to gay. "You see Transformers?" "YES... and I'm gay" But, I'm good on my feet so we played that game for a while. When the topic of me having a girlfriend came up all I could think was, "Wow, this guy is really trying to use Game on me". It was surreal being on the opposite end. I counted about 7 "You're an attractive man"s and he even let me know what he was into. So, at some point he was discussing massaging another man's feet. Apparently he's quite good and the other man went from trading sweets for foot rubs, to... well McSex(does the Mc make anyone else smile too?) Luckily, I didn't even have to end that part of the conversation because an Asian man walked up to buy something and he basically drooled right next to me. He watched him walk away after making a couple of sentences, then he turned to me and said "I like him... Mmmm, I love a good looking man. Right?" I had already told him I wasn't gay, so all I could think of to say was "What's not to like... except I mean, for the opposite side though." Not the best sentence, but we do what we can on the spot, right?

To end this story, a lesson that I learned:
There have been times when I thought the people that get kidnapped or raped might have brought it upon themselves. I have looked at their situations and said, "I would have..." but folks when it came right down to it... I took the candy.

Friday, February 01, 2008

A Pic says 999 words...

Pretty sleepy today: Here is what I meant to put up on Friday.... had to wait for that picture.
It's a beautiful rainy day and live is beautiful. Don't really have much to say cause it's Friday but as soon as this picture that I took with the GEICO gecko(from the area commercials where it's a guy in the suit) are available, believe that I'm throwing that up here. And it is definetly a black guy in the suit, cause when my friend went to take his picture he threw "peace up" and lizard didn't even think... "A town down". He even dapped up Charlie before he was able to react. That's a down @$$ lizard. Laters everyone...

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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