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Thursday, January 31, 2008

Poetry from Charlie Rutherford


I blanked for a decent blog, but did write some new jokes that should be tasty. So with that said enjoy two poems from Charlie Rutherford(if you read this nonsense I call a blog, then you should know who he is), I just found out he wrote poetry like 10 minutes ago....


Why Wonder?


Why wonder?
How beautiful this sky looks,

When I stare back it looks beautiful,

A sweet breeze became a notice,

As the world tasted it's scent.

The plains were more than plain,

And it rained moisture,

Cause the salt was hard to explain.

Under cluttered melodies,

Shadows find themselves one with the trees,

The sunlight was noisy,

In respects to being bright in comparison,

With,

Dress attire.

Darkness came,

But the atmosphere would yeild to retire,

Under a beautiful sky,

Would you?
Charlie Frank Rutherford

An evening with you


These eyes met some that weren't theirs,

And without a blink,

A pupil sits without the knowledge of chairs.

These beings conversated,

And without a word,

With each other,

They became heavily infatuated.

Stares seemed to hold their own dialect,

And without a moment,

Spouted moisture pellets,

So then a hand became a suspect.

A warm passed,

And what passed was a warm,

Without the calm,

A wet face brought such a quiet storm.

And it was here where these eyes met,

And these stares possessed their own dialect,

And a hand became a suspect,

That a love was born,

And what laid slain was regret.

Copyright ©2008 Charlie Frank Rutherford




Well, I'll get back at ya'll tomorries, Laters....

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Jump in blog, tomorrow new blog


All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watchin' the puddles gather rain
And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
and speak my point of view But it's not sane,
It's not sane
I just want some one to say to me
I'll always be there when you wake
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made
And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there's no rain
And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape escape......escape......escape......
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
ya don't like my point of view ya think I'm insane
Its not sane......it's not sane

Friday, January 25, 2008

Friday

Today I was walking with a female and out of nowhere she scratched her face. But when she scratched, it sounded like Clint Eastwood scratching his face as "the man with no name". Attraction dead... Have a great weekend everybody!

Laters

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Two days of blogging since I forgot...

Hump day everybody! Gotta love short work weeks, shame that we won't see one again for some time. I went downstairs and bought a MILD Slim Jim.... needless to say the reason it was only MILD was because it lacked love. It was like kissing someone when you want to be kissing someone else. Shame on you Slim Jim.

I'm sure that we all heard the horrible news that Heath Ledger is dead. I'm not gonna pretend that I knew him and I'm sad, but damnit. That's the Joker... yeah I'm selfish like that. My first words when I found out(after the disbelief) were "Well thank God they finished shooting that movie a couple months ago. But now who's gonna play the Joker in the next one?!" We'll wait and see about that one. It does suck that right at what was to be the best time in his career he was snatched. Note to self: Do Not Take Sleeping Pills!

Time for me to get a shape-up/haircut or something... Charlie is making me look bad. Unacceptable.



"Lovers call him king haters call him clown



He would say bite me thats the way its going down



He was having thoughts that maybe he should retire



Went to church on sunday and saw a Friar



Said he had beef and people want him dead



He loved the hungry ones was only scared of affairs



He lived the fast life couldnt get his path right



Friar just told him bout the hooters that he had last night



Turned himself in to the pattywagon, said no



Bacon wouldnt take him half the pigs on the payroll"

- Lupe Fiasco

Mmmm Mmm Mmmm! That man is bad. My hero. I made it home in about 40 minutes yesterday. I'm aware that had nothing to do with Lupe, but I'm still pretty f**kin' stoked about it. So.... yep.

(Now we start blogging fresh for today... I forgot to publish post yesterday)
Let me start off this festive day by saying that I got pulled over this morning and ticketed for not having my seat belt on. I can't even really be angry at that, but it happened and it made me late to work today. Plus I was choking back a wicked S#it the whole time I was in traffic, including waiting 15 minutes for him to make sure I didn't have any warrants out for my arrest. But luckily there was only one cop car.

I saw a preview for the movie "10,000 BC"... I really don't know what to say. If you have time I invite you to view it for yourself, here you go http://www.10000bc.com/ all that I will say is that they speak perfect English... so... yep.

I never thought I would see the day that I subscribe to multiple services from Equifax, but I'm an old man now. I think one of my happiest moments was correcting them and getting the letter "We f*cked up, sorry" but yeah, it was sweet. And I bought another service from them today too. I don't understand why people wouldn't want to know their score, cause almost every product offered is just your credit "report", then comes the rape when they ask you for way more money just to see your number. Dog$#it!

Watched Snatch last night.... sometimes you just don't know what you're missing until it shows up again. It's still just as good as it was the first time I saw it. "Guy Ritchie, come back and make films like Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch!.... but not that Madonna movie." There, now I feel good.

When did Pauly Shore stop making movies? I still find him hilarious darnit. (Making weasel sounds at my cubicle in his memory)

Look out!
Millions of peaches
peaches for me
Millions of peaches
peaches for free
Millions of peaches
peaches for me
Millions of peaches
peaches for free



Laters...



Tuesday, January 22, 2008

An ode to spanish hold music...

Titles mean nothing, so let's just enjoy that one for a second shall we? Good. It was one of those rare weekends for me where I sat there and did nothing for way too long. I found out on Friday at 2:30 pm that Monday was a holiday... oh it was sweet like Taffy. I did all of the things that I said I would do on Friday(3 buckets o' Hot Wings from KFC, Stu's house, Miller Lite, random car adventure with Kevin in the middle of the night) and it was good. But I got so messed up that Friday and Saturday night are basically a blur to me. With that being said, let us jump into random fun.


Out of love and respect for www.chucknorrisfacts.com here are a few of my favorites:

-Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one
-There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up
-When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever
-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate
-For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one
-Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year


Okay that was a little more than a few, but once you start reading through them to find great ones... you realize that they are all awesome in their own special ways. Picking less than 100 of them was hard enough, but I don't think that you guys should have that kind of time to read something like that. We are all at work right???

Yesterday my friend Josh said something to me that I refuse to keep for myself. I used to watch a lot of WWE wrestling. Oddly, I stopped sometime after I became single but he was trying to lure me back now that they offer it in HD. "You have got to see WWE in HD man, it was incredible, everything looks so much better!" Theo only thing I could say to that was "Yep, I can't think of any man who hasn't enjoyed a good sweaty glistened up man in High Definition...." I think he realised how gay what he said was. Tyler 1- Apparently "now" gay Josh-0

Where the hell is the snow(wintry mix)that all of the weather channels called for?!!!

Fat lady just walked by with what smells like a Spicy Bite.... fat lady's making me HUNGRY.

Without meaning for it to be so secretive, a friend at work and I are exchanging musical secrets. It is no secret that I own BOTH of Justin Timberlake's albums. Somehow it came up, probably while I was jamming on the iPod, and now a man that is almost 30 is curious "Can that kid who was in a boy band actually make good music?" Every experience I've ever had tells me that if most people like something it's probably good. I will show him the way of Justin... cause that muthaf****r make the body rock!

Well my friends, I must be going for today, but be cool everybody(Hello Erin.
Laters

Friday, January 18, 2008

The Agenda.... & Video




Okay so first off you'll find the video from the Funnybone above. I figured it's easier to watch if you don't have to go clicking everywhere... and I procrastinated on putting it on MySpace and YouTube forever. But now that it's up, please "Get you some!!!!!"

First thing when my alarm went off I had that Saturday morning feeling. So much so, that when I turned it off I went back to sleep for a second and then a little angel on my shoulder reminded me that we hadn't lived through Friday yet.... S#IT! "Wake that @SS up TRich!, F*ck is you doin!?" So, I dashed out the door after a brief laugh with my Nelson. Oh, and the dryer didn't dry my sweater all the way and that is a feeling of gross that I can't describe. But, it's new, it's sexy, and it definitely needed a wash since I threw up on it at a party a couple weeks ago. And the poor thing has just been sitting there waiting to be cleaned and seen during a casual Friday such as this. So, what is the agenda? Well, the good folks at Paramount Pictures got me. I'm curious and even though every site that has an opinion I trust says that Cloverfield sucks, I have to know what that monster looks like! It's killing me... by the way, for anyone else going to see that, the movie is 75-82 minutes in length. That's shorter than Cinderella(the animated Disney film from our youth) was. Disappointing, but you know what, as long as he kills someone and dies at the end, what else could I ask for? All week I've know what I wanted to do in preparation for this movie. I'm gonna go pick up my ol' friend Mary(wink), then I'm gonna get a shape up, then off to KFC for 3(that's right I'm driving in the stereotype-mobile) BUCKETS of Hot Wings, then off to Bloom for Mucho Cerveza(Miller Lite), and off course it's home to start the festivities with Nelson, Kevin, Andrea, Charlie, Josh and his lovely bride. Tomorrow it's back to comedy but tonight it's about good ol' fashioned non-sense, hopefully I'll make it home in time for some Rock Band before I crash out. But, there's always Saturday morning for that, it's not like I'm a douche that works out on Saturday morning(take offense to that if you wake up and work out, you're taking life a little too serious). Ah...... Fridays(as he kicks his feet up on his desk as though he were at home...but not really though, I'm at work)

Yesterday the roads were just fine when I got off work to race to an audition, but people drove about 3 miles an hour. I almost lost my mind cause not only was I late, but then I started improvising the Mapquest directions with my memory and that is always trouble. My memory is S#it folks. So, of course I lost. With the clock ticking before the company closed I called up Keith (the comedian, he's good, he says "Sup") and worked out a formula of getting lost more and then finding the right way. So I arrived with all of 9 minutes before they were supposed to close and I think my read went well. I take back what I said the other day, cause the person I spoke to on the phone(Steve) was very cool and so was Chris. Time will tell on that one, and I made it home the same time as Charlie who live close to me and came home directly from work. Gotta love it when something comes together on a good Thursday like that.

I've been listening to Hybrid Theory by Linkin Park a lot the last week. I don't know why but my soul just felt like rocking out for a while. That is all.

Well, it's that time again. My brain has run out of thing to jaw-jack about and I'm leaving for the weekend. I hope everyone is safe and makes their way back to work on Monday. Cause if you don't do your job who the F*ck will?!

Laters...

Thursday, January 17, 2008

The sound of Chaos

If you ever want to see about 2,000 people break into cheers like Barack Obama just won the Presidential election, then come by my headquarters next January when they announce our annual bonus to the masses. Since I watched Braveheart this morning before leaving for work, all I could think about was someone grabbing a chair and chucking out of the window in celebration. Awesome... but I can't help but think of the next naturally funny thing that could come out of that situation. That being, if right after the President announced that, he came back on and said "Unfortunately, we will not be able to give out your PIP(bonus) this year, we're sorry". Cause when that announcement got made, a clown would come out of someone's cubicle with an AK-47 and a fistful of tears, unleashing hell on everyone within bullet range. Oh, can you beat the humor of random clown violence? Nope.

I took a walk in some of this beautiful snow a little while ago, and took a look around for a bit. Sometimes life seems so routine that I don't think we stop and check out how beautiful it is. I think snow has a great way of accentuating the beauty in all of the little things around us. Trees are brought to life, creeks and grass take new form, and the fat woman coming out of her car almost slips on her way into the back of the building(that happened... hilarious). They say that no snowflake is like any other and that makes me concentrate so hard on any one that comes into focus. I want nothing more than to prove that theory wrong, but I know that will never happen. But, the cool thing is that when I give up and finally stop focusing on one flake at a time, I notice that there are a sea of flakes dancing around me. What more could you ask for out of weather that most would call inclement. Who doesn't get filled with memories of childhood when they see a day like today? My favorite snow memory has got to be when I was in the 4th grade. My friend Gatumbi and I were playing over near this giant creek in Alexandria right across from Landmark mall... or what they are calling Landmark Mall. While we were playing I noticed that part of the creek was frozen but not all of it. I wanted to see just how far onto the ice I could go before it broke. Though you don't really want to fall into freezing water, that's the only way to find the answer to the question right? So of course the ice finally broke and I plunged in. Gatumbi didn't help me but instead laughed hysterically because of my blood curdling scream. That S#it was pretty cold if memory serves. As he laughed, standing on ice himself, he went plunging into the water too. We kept trying to get out but the ice kept snapping every time we put an arm up. We eventually got out of the water, but as we walk home our clothes got crystallized and quick. The clothes wouldn't even bend anymore, we just had to wobble like penguins all the way back to my mom's. She made us change and then gave us hot coffee while we thawed and watched TV. Could it be that it was all so simple then? But, that's my favorite memory of snow as a kid.

Wish me luck, acting audition today. $$$$

Laters....

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Stick to the script Tom Cruise

I kept hearing about some video that proves that Tom Cruise is Bat$#it crazy and so naturally I had to look it up.... oh it's true. And of course I wouldn't deny anyone from enjoy a taste of madness so here you go:http://gawker.com/5002269/the-cruise-indoctrination-video-scientology-tried-to-suppress?autoplay=true

And you have the good folks at Gawker.com to thank for that little gem. Time really flies when you think about it. I was sitting in my cuby and thinking about getting lost in Southeast with the urge to pee, and there was absolutely no way I was getting out of the car. I had an empty Colgate mouthwash bottle in the back seat(no, I don't know why it was there but stay with me people) and once I finally got out of Southeast I still couldn't find a bathroom. I was unzipped and "kissing the rim" of the bottle when I found myself in front of a church. Did I mention that it was still daylight? Cause the attendant in front of the church definitely got himself an eye full of Wednesday night surprise. I rolled down the window and asked if I could use his bathroom, thinking there was no way he would say yes, but I needed to cut up some of the awkwardness. To my chagrin his reply was "Yeah, come right in young man... (chuckle)" So I put my c**k away and threw the Colgate bottle, which was piss free, in the backseat. I remember it being one of those knee bending, exhaling, almost orgasmic type streams that linger for about 13 minutes afterward. And that was almost a year ago from today. Ah, how time flies. That story doesn't really go with "Wow, time can get away from you" but when does anything I say make a lot of sense.

I realized why Bazooka gum isn't as popular as it was in the stone age today. I put a piece in my mouth and by chew number 4 it was flavorless... Son of a B*tch.

For anyone curious, BET Networks currently has no comedy shows (comicview,coming to the stage, random craptacular show) in production right now. Just in case some is thinking of calling like I do. But they do encourage you to call weekly since they are expecting production to start soon. Get your white gloves on cause there are fresh young minds to influence with ignorant stereotypes... "How did he get BET Networks phone numbers, one might ask?" Persistence my young friend. I learned from the Fowlest.
I've been taking up some auditions since Big Al Goodwin got his Pilot. In speaking with these people over the phone setting up dates, I've found that they can be some of the rudest D*CKS on the planet. One man told me straight up that he didn't care to "actually" speak to me, and that I should e-mail him again cause he'd forget what we were talking about. I've been spoken to like that before but when he said it, it seemed heartfelt and sincere. Then he e-mailed me good news, followed by more rudeness!? Oh showbiz, you are a HARSH MISTRESS.

Gotta go for now. "Come Seymour, we have things to do......" Laters

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Time by Musiq (just feeling reflective)


I'd like to take a minute to apologize


For not taking advantage of you


Through all the years you've passed me by


Honestly I really wanted to be mad at you, yes


For so many hours waiting, yeah


I finally know what it means to be patient


And everything has its place, yeah


And reason and I've learned that




Time waits for nothing


And everything is gonna take its time for it to happen


Time waits for nothing


And everything is gonna take its time


Time waits for nothing and no one


Cause everything has its time




I used to think that if I tried


Then maybe I could change the things that


I regretted in my past life


But through all the lessons that you taught me


I have learned my experiences enhanced my character, yes


Now as I look back with what I know now
I can say that I wouldn't change a thing


Cause I love who I became, yeah


And when it's all said and done
I can only live for today


Cause I've learned that




Time waits for nothing


And everything is gonna take its time for it to happen


Time waits for nothing


And everything is gonna take its time


Time waits for nothing and no one


Cause everything has its time




I used to find it hard to believe


And almost impossible to conceive, yeah


Everything I do revolves around you And knowing that, its kind crazy to me


Now if I had a dollar for every moment


That I spent watching my days go by


Doing, doing, doing nothing


I probably never be penniless or hopeless.




So for a while now, I've kept in mind


Cause what they say is true


That you are of the essence
Down to the very last second


And I'm so glad that I've grown to


Respect you




Tomorrow students, there shall be less deep thoughts and more randoms S#it from good ol' TRich. Hope you guys enjoy the snow flurries and I hope that the meteorologist actually know what they are talking about this time. Laters...


Friday, January 11, 2008

Forever Young


I just had a flashback of Charlie Day with his hands raised to the Lord, dancing as though a tear might fall from his eyes.... classic. Well, it's a rainy day again and the good Lord has decided to use his cruel sense of humor once again. There is an extremely hot woman that sits next to me and since I arrived she has been married so I treated her like any man should, a guy. Well, that time has come and gone and now it's official that she's getting divorced. She talked to me about dating(she just got ended a 5 year marriage and has already been on two dates, that almost makes me nauseous when I think of my ex and what she might have been doing then and now) and was asking some basic questions about the single life. But, all that goes through my mind no matter what is coming out of my mouth is "I should not have been myself around you" and that's the truth. Maybe if I had been a scumbag and always let it be known I'm attracted there would be some strange at the end of the tunnel... no? We'll move on.











If you see Big Al Goodwin, give him a big hug til' he gets upset and demands you let go of him. You know why? Because he is shooting a pilot for a network. That's about all I can say.... cause he couldn't share anymore information with me. Congrateys AL!










Jermaine Fowler is a hooligan! There Runteldat...








There is a story that is on the national news about the lady who just happened to have 4 dead children in her home in D.C., it's exciting to have something close by get this kind of national attention. The woman, unless she has got some serious proof, is completely bats#it crazy. Her excuse to how the children, which are conformed to be hers, died is that they all were possessed by a demon that killed them one week apart from each other. I'm almost gullible enough to buy that but the police said the oldest,17, had apparently been stabbed. One or more of the children had been bound, and a couple of the youngest ones had blunt force trauma to the head. Could it be that she saw the episode of the Boondocks where Uncle Ruckus beat Stinkmeiner out of Tom, and she attempted to do the same to her own children. "There's some powerful Nigg@try at work here"- Uncle Ruckus




P.S.- The B__ch is gonna fry man








Is anything sweeter than ruining the end of the last Harry Potter book for a procrastinating Harry Potter fanatic? I'm seriously contemplating telling this girl Amy that I work with what happened just to see her head explode. But, then that leaves more work for me and that is completely against the TRichardson code of work ethics. Code 154-862 stated "Never make a decision that will result in more work for Tyler. If more work is the result of one of your choices you are to seek out the nearest window on the fifth floor and toss yourself into the biggest crowd of people you see", I wouldn't make that up. There are like 975 pages in the code, and somehow a lot of them find some way to tell you hop out of a window. That TRich can write some code.








The survey for "stand up or sit down"(to wipe) is still ongoing with on 1, I repeat 1 person that has shared that they too stand their lazy a$$ up to wipe their most horrid of precious places. And, while most people at could hear what was going on were disgusted at us for standing, it could not compare to the look on our faces. Scoreboard: Standers 2, People that aren't getting all the marmalade 26. Don't give up on us though, this thing ain't over.








Well, I'm gonna split, I've got work to do and dragons to slay. Stay classy...




Laters

Thursday, January 10, 2008

The F**k is you doin'?


Since when the f*ck did people not like spam

Is it cause that S#it comes in a can

While some muhf*ckas is out getting a tan

I bump the Pussycat Dolls song wit Will.I.am

Blam Blam went the hamma while you was steady cruisin'

Muhf*ckas is slippin'

"The F**k is you doin?"

Fruit Loops is cool, but I really f**cks wit Lucky

Cause the first time I ate them S#its the purple horseshoes touched me

When the McGriddle hit the scene I was like "Dat' my S#it!"

But the new Breakfast Burrito makes me wanna be sick

Mad rhyme spitta wit the illest kicks you ever seen

Stacy Adams S#it wit tha 3 piece

Dat Muhf*ckas clean

Cause the way I pass out office memos has got h0e$ steady trippin'

Wit a turtleneck in A/C, "The F**k is you doin?"

The Fowlest in the place, damn a Jermaine

If you think he don't know you betta ask him bout my CANDY RAIN

Nah I don't want ya'll to kiss the rings, cause I left'em on the table

but I'll be happy to let you stand in line of Muhf*ckas tastin' the rainbow

I rappin' wit no voice so most of this S#it is ruined

but if you ain't chuckled a little at non of this non-sens muhf*cka

"What the f**k is you doin?!"


That was retarded but I'm bored and it's one day away from the weekend. That was for Mike Way and the rest of the Souljas out there. I think that's more slang than I've ever used my life and you know what... it feels phenomenal. But not really though.


I'm trying an experiment where unless absolutely necessary I don't speak. I went through a weekend before Christmas where I didn't speak at all and it was interesting. Gives you time to collect your thoughts, and I definitely need to write more. Well I'm gonna swig on my orange juice so, you know.... Laters

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

F_____!


Well, yesterday was eye opening.... that is all I can say. But here is the tape I was so excited about I hope you like it. I do

http://www.veoh.com/videos/v25210555mafZfpe

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Hello Richmond, I just can't stay away


Is there anything finer than a good ol' fashioned Tuesday. Nope, cause they're full of all kinds of personality. But, I regret to say that I haven't got a whole lot to say today. Wish me luck tonight cause "The GREAT" Bird Knight will be at the Clash this month and since it's gonna be on Comcast OnDemand I really want to do well. I guess placing would be sweet too. And I finally get my new DVD from Odyssey, "S#it YEAH!" 20 mins. of awkward stares in a packed FunnyBone, but people were laughing at the stares and that's why I can't wait to get it. Believe that tomorrow(Thursday by the latest) I will have a link to that or hopefully it will be embedded. Well, I'm off then but man, so much can happen in 24 hours I can't wait to see what I tomorrow brings.... Laters

Monday, January 07, 2008

"Who wipes standing up?!"

Welcome back to another week in: (drum roll please) ..... Life :( But have no fear, the weekend can't be more than 8 or 9 days away, so there is hope. I hope that you all had a great weekend, Lord knows I did. Granted I saw most of you on Saturday night anyway, but let's pretend shall we. I got to sit on my butt on Saturday, but Sunday was one of those days where you have all types of things to take care of. The only one that I didn't mind doing was picking up my dog Max from the groomer and seeing what a sex-ified beast he is. Ah, to be young, furry, and F***in sexy. For those that are wondering, yes I'm still listening to Lupe Fiasco's The Cool everyday all day... I'm not joking. It is rare that we find an album like this and the last time I think I had this love was for T.I.'s Urban Legend. Ah, 2003... what a piece of $#*t year that was for me. Let's not reminisce anymore, most of my memories aren't that great.

"What the hell does that title mean?" Well I'm glad you asked random(comic) reader, apparently a good majority of the public is sitting while they wipe their behind. Call me nuts but for some things I believe you need to get up on your feet. I don't want to be gross but you're missing something if you don't stand up and get on at least one set of your tippy toes. Somebody comment and prove that I know what I'm talking about. I don't know how it came up but first Nelson said that he sits, then my friend Nate, then Kevin, then Leah, and so far I have yet to find someone that stands up like a homosapien. That's bush league folks. Someone even called me a child for standing... the audacity. Now yes, maybe this stand up habit developed cause as a child it was the only way to keep from Sh__ty draws(and keeping my mother from throwing them at me and screaming "Why can't you wipe your A$$!") but now it's just necessary. I could go on all day but I'll end it on this, a man could just pull really hard and get a condom on(God that would hurt, if it didn't break) but instead he rolls... he rolls. I'm just saying sometimes taking a few more seconds to do something get pretty orgasmic results. The Fowlest knows what I mean.

Yes, the Spy Lounge is still alive...

Tomorrow is Richmond Funnybone time. I have been rocking my own mixture of peach fuzz/facial hair because superstition has lead me to believe it helps me not bomb, but it's gonna be on TV. I really don't wanna look like a bum on Comcast, but I want the set to go well more than I care what I look like. You know what? I think I know what I'm gonna do.... Flash Cards. They help everything!

I recently had to make a call to someone who had a GOOD 3 minutes of shout outs, random slang, F__ck offs, guttural sounds, and lastly(I swear) a bit of prayer.... clearly there are no employers that just interviewed them getting ready to call. I keep thinking how funny it would be to change my voicemail to that for a while, but I don't want people thinking TRich has been kidnapped. Plus, my momma raise me better than that.
(I took a long break to run down to the store and pick up some snackies)
And what did I get you ask? A BIG ASS BAG O' JERKY!... and pink lemonade. My jaw kinda hurts but what would you go through for some good jerky right now? Would you kill... yeah you would. Bless you jerky, bless your delicious smoky ways and how you always vote Democrat. Go Obama!
Laters






Friday, January 04, 2008

C'mon Tuesday!!!! I'm anxious


I'm busy working/blasting my resume to random sections in my building... Enjoy this weekend and here is a little slice of heaven to think of me by til the Lizard on Saturday.

Laters,
TRich(kisses.... from you luva)

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Fresh off a cops @$$

Well... I'm back at work now and it feels phenomenal. As always it was too cool being in Richmond and hanging with the comics and staff over at the FunnyBone. Good friends, good laughter, and more importantly there was laughter. There were a few moments of usual TRichardson awkwardness though, here is one of the few pearls that I picked up in the past couple of years. "Thou shalt not besmirch the name of the club you are in if you expect to get work there"- Jesus Christ Why that needs to be said is a mystery to me, but apparently some people can get caught in the moment and let their heart speak before they've really thought through their surroundings. I found myself in the middle of another comic's nightmare last night and while I sympathize, I don't want to be connected to that type of conversation. Especially with how nice everyone has treated me down there. Example:
Angry guy: This place ain't $hit!
Me: huh?
A: I'd rather work at ____!
Me:(eyes darting around) This place is cool man, every one's great

A: Nah man, they ain't kissed the rings yet (I'm improvising but I probably would have laughed had he used that one)

Me: Eventually....

A: F___ that! Look who they pay attention to.

Me: (This was the moment where I kind of shut up cause that sounds like a thought that all comics have but almost none speak... c'mon be real) .... ummm.

A: See what I'm talking about.

Me: I'm gonna go grab a beer.

What's important to see here was that my alcoholism helped me out of a jam. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to stop drinking(though I have calmed down quite a bit), and you know what? It makes me sad, so I don't. Seriously though, I saw the same comic, who was a great guy aside from this stuff, go through one of those nights where he was really looking for something positive in what appeared to be a sea of s__t. Hopefully I'll run into him again soon and he'll be happier. If not for the fact that someone finally paid him his due, than the fact that he's so determined no one can get him down.

Does the fact that Best Buy sells Fritz the Cat bother anyone or seem even remotely wrong. You know they sell Barney less than two aisles away?

I must be the black person in the world that thinks roller skating is crap. I'd much rather go ice skating cause it's cool and peaceful, but I'm getting the impression that we're supposed to want to dance and backflip and things while "we" skate. What type of s___ is that?! Damn Lil Bow Wow and his Roll Bounce...

I actually watched some Late Night talk shows when I got home last night. Here is what I found:
  1. Loved the bearded look on David Letterman


  2. Almost as much as I dug the HOBO beard on Conan


  3. I'm glad that Leno kept it clean, cause that's a lot of beard to cover all that face


  4. Jimmy Kimmel seemed as though the term "improv" was just thrust upon him yesterday


  5. Conan seemed like the funniest one even though he didn't have his writers


  6. Is it necessary to bring up the obvious all the time? Comparison: Comic- "Sorry that joke was new"(or any different way of saying it) Talk Show Host- "______ cause we have no writers"(or any of the one million ways they ALL kept bringing it up)


  7. Going back to number 6, until I get conformation that they aren't saying "Writers" once every two sentences, I can live without you Conan


  8. Anyone notice Chingy was on Leno? Where the ____ did he come from? I know where he/his career went, down the sh___er but I was shocked he's still making songs

By the way, we're gonna call the fat guy in the picture "Benny the fat girl slayer" ..... so.... yep.

Well I guess it's time for me to be hitting the ol' dust trail.... Laters

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Off and flyin'

Okay so, how to start a new year of blogs?.... How bout a picture of something that is easily as creepy as it is likable? Yeah. What is it about old people that captures our attention, and still makes us never want to be one? Hmmmm...





I'm headed down the road again to what I might as well refer to as my home club, the Funnybone. Here's a breakdown of the "Show of Shows Showcase", it all starts out with a face-off between Big Al Goodwin and an ogre. Al, being the good side of the battle, will take all all of the silver from the audience to weild together a sword mighty enough to shave Christ. I've seen the conceptual drawings of this sword and I can sum it up with one phrase, "That's a bad muthaF@ckin SWORD!" Then I will come out accompanied by Jessie and Ryan (Richmond comics) and we will begin a juggling act that will allow folks to laugh a bit and ease the tension of the showdown that waits ahead. I'm certain that Al's trainers Nick Cantone and Odyysey Michaels will be somewhere around and if we're lucky enough maybe they'll bless us with a rouse or two. By the way, in case something goes wrong(F@ckin ogres and their stupid unions) we we be putting on a showcase of stand up comedy. Defintely going to be a blast and who knows, TRich might even get some chuckles.... hurray for that. And it's one more time up on that stage before the Clash next Tuesday, which will be on Comcast. 2008, you're my hero.




Ever had the feeling that someone was standing behind you in your cubicle but when you turn around there was nothing? I just got that, but I feel like they could have been there for a long time. Creepy.




I have now joined the club of guys who spend time( New Year's Eve) with extremely hot women and then don't sleep with one. It made me so sick to think about the next day that I had to eat a lot of Honey Baked Ham to put it to the back of my mind. Pathetic, but hey there's always Ramadan(or whatever holiday it is when random big brea$ted women come on to little funny guys)... right?




Something about just getting my hair cut makes the song "Staying Alive" play everywhere I go now. At first I thought it was cause of the movie Saturday Night Fever, but I remembered that I never sat down to see that movie, even though that white suit Travolta had on was HURT FOLKS! I realised why the music was playing though, it's cause "I'm dead f@ckin sexy" Mmmm, that's nice. (I know that last couple of sentences were weird, but it's been a long time since we've sat down and chatted. I've forgotten what conversation interests you, so I'm going straight from the heart.)



Wow, I sure didn't have a whole lot to talk about today, I guess it's cause I'm so busy living... that can't last forever though right? But here is a word to the wise in case you have to show up at the office before anyone else is actually there, bring a pair of those glasses with pupils painted on the lens. They make getting caught more of a joke and less of a serious matter. Just giving a heads up.



Don't worry though, I'm sure there be a lot more non sense-ory to come. Laters

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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