Just as good as a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
At the age of 4, Atif was caught selling the Russians Muslim secrets and banned from Kerblackistan. His family was very proud of their home and social status so they would not join Atif on this journey called life. Plus, the father was always doubtful that Atif was really his child. But, you can't just say that to the little guy. Cause even when he was a toddler.... he stayed strapped.
When Atif finally made his was to a boat he was forced to bunk up with a large black man with no teeth, his name was Moor. He was quite simply, a big dude. Moor didn't care much for Atif and his non stop joy. It wasn't until 2 months had passed that the two shared their first words:
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
-Back at One
-Whatever other songs were considered hits...
Just in case someone liked that blog, I give you "The Secret Life of Rick Moranis"
P.S. - I'll be at the Baltimore Comedy Factory with Jared Stern and Vince Morris from June 26-29th.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
I left Thursday morning to go to Flint, MI. It was going to be 4 days before I'd see my home again and I would be with no one but family members for 4 days. I'm not the biggest fan of spending quality time with my family, love them to death, but I don't want to be around them much. One of the positives would be that I wouldn't have to spend a dime until I got back.... I do like that.
This picture was taken in Flint, MI. Yep.The first thing I noticed when I we got to my grandmother's childhood friend's house was a newspaper on her table. The headline read "Big Dreamer gunned down in the streets".... $#!t. That's when it really occurred to me that we were in a bad place. Over the course of the next few days I would see a lot of things that blew my mind. Like when we visited another one of her friends right after my grandfather's funeral, we parked about 5 feet away from where people made a memorial for a homicide. I didn't want to get out of the car, but I damn sure wasn't staying in it. It was broad daylight and people could tell by the smile I wasn't from round there.
People are taking basketball really serious up there in Michigan. Do not say anything against the Pistons.... or you will be shot.
I have a picture in my phone that I wanted to add to the blog today but couldn't. It shows a gas sign: Regular gas $4.18, Plus $4.28, Diesel $4.89, Marlboro $4.39 Apparently, these people love cigarettes.
I did not see Indiana Jones IV because if a 70 year old man attempted anything like the previous movies he should be shot to death in the opening credits. Somehow, I feel as though the movie is longer than 3 minutes.
I love to think of my grandma as a sweet, foul-mouthed, lovable old woman. This weekend I found out that she had weed-scapades of her own back in the day. I must say that my family slowly shows me we have plenty in common after all.
For the first time since she was born 12 years ago, I like my little sister. I love her, but wouldn't have wanted to spend a free moment with her before. But, now I see that being raised by the same woman means we probably have more in common than I would admit. For instance: We both hated staying with my grandmother's friend so we teamed up to get a hotel stay. I'm a big brother now.
There is a hot dot concoction called a Coney, I was told "Oh, you love Chili dogs, so you just have to try a Coney while you're here". My hopes were high, how do you compare something to a Chili dog.... especially when it tastes nothing like a Chili dog??!! It was gross, like someone vomited up corn beef hash on top of your hot dog then tried to cover it up with onion. More onion than should be legal, there was literally half of a good sized onion sitting on top of my Coney. And, I won't go into detail, but the next 48 hours were very touch and go....
I had to get shuttled from my hotel to a store to buy ciggys and beerzen on Saturday night. I met a very attractive Spanish and she said her name was Priscilla. We had to drive quite a ways to get to a store since they put the hotel very far from the slums of Flint. Over the course of the next 40 minutes the conversation turned from flirt to informative. She was 18, didn't bother me, but she had 3.....3...3 kids already. Damn, next thing I knew I felt like I was playing the role of being a nice guy. Cause I damn sure wasn't trying to hit on her. Too fertile.... poor thing.
My grandfather had many brothers, the most memorable to me was John. John's right hand doesn't move, kinda like Bob Dole. John's right leg doesn't work either, so he has a weird hop step about him. It's kinda sad but John talks in the strangest "Double talk way" you'd swear that he was smokin' crack. However, my grandmother insists that he only smokes weed. Weed does not do that to folks. We went to John's house right after the funeral to see what makes a man not go to his own brother's funeral. This man is sitting on the couch drinking and smoking cigarettes. After listening to his speak for about an hour, I say speak instead of conversation cause all I could answer back with was an occasional "Gotcha" or "Right", I spot a joint lying on the table. Right in front of my mother and sister, they never even saw it, but in my mind the whole time he spoke to me I was reaching to put it in my pocket.
During my Grandpa's funeral someone handed my mother Nitroglycerin that expired in 10/07. I'm too lazy to look it up, plus she threw it away, but WTF?!
Jeff Maurer crushed at the Arlington Cinema N' Drafthouse on Wednesday. I'd seen him perform before and wasn't the biggest fan. But, he came out there last week and was crisp, I knew he would make it to the next week after his first real bit (I'm not counting that "When I say a number you say the square root" thing he does to pump them up, the rest of his material is so smart). I'm a fan now though (like he would care, who the f*ck is Tyler Richardson) and just thought I'd d*ck ride for a second.... oh yeah, Randolph T or Terrance got through too. yay.
I'm afraid Will Hessler and I are mind linked. Will, did you have a dream about the two of us making Vanilla ice cream? Cause I did.
I would have just e-mailed Will that question, but he prefers I speak about him publicly and never straight to him. And no eye contact, he hates that.
I think I've gotten a good bit of random off my chest so I'll talk to you guys tomorrow. Spy Lounge is on next Monday, we missed a couple of weeks due to problems last Monday and a holiday yesterday. Stay gold pony boy.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
That's the real Wendy (Melissa Lou Thomas) behind this man in a wig. Did anyone else know that they stopped the "young men in red wigs" ad campaign due to weak sales. Shame, it's was so random I couldn't help but love it. "I deserve a burger that sizzles!"
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
I didn't do at Wiseacres. Randolph yelled a lot, I think I had a pretty good set though. And no, I wasn't drunk, I'm just a man damnit. I'm make mistakes, I need to bite the head off a bat or something cause I hate the fact the people seem to associate Tyler and drinking. Associate Tyler and moderately funny, it's my birthday.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
- I spent the summer with my grandpa back in 92', we traveled around the country in an 18 wheeler. The first time we stopped to get food at some restaurant stay with me to this day. We start to eat and there I am, a little 9 year old kid, and I have a mouth full of food just yapping away. Try and picture a bum that can't stop thanking you while he continues to shovel food in his face. Then comes the slap, (insert loud slap here), "Boy, chew with yo damn mouth closed". Since then, honestly, I always chew with it closed. You gotta learn manners from somewhere, that's just where I got that piece of advice. He used to laugh so hard every time I'd remind him of that story cause he didn't remember it. But, he never denied it, he'd say "That sounds about right though".
- Here is a quote that I'll always have "What do I care if a woman is attractive or not? Does she got money? Cause if I ain't got $#!t and you ain't got $#!t, what we gonna do together? What we both need to be broke fo'? She can be ugly as hell, long as she got money." And, believe me, he meant every word. He truly was a dog catcher.
- My Grandpa had an enema, I think, and I can't remember the story word for word. I do remember my Grandma saying that when she came in the room, he was turning his head while on his stomach and tears were just streaming down his face. He laughed his head off while she told that story.
- My Grandpa got stabbed. That's it, but that's one more memory of getting stabbed than I want.
- He gave me my first sip of beer when I was 5. I was so disgusted, yet, 20 years later that same beer is all I drink. The man could tell the future, or just got me off to a really bad start.
I've got a lot of weird memories of him which is probably why it seems so weird that I won't get anymore. I never lost any family member that actually mattered to me. Due to the fact that acknowledge about 1/12 of my actual family. I've never seen those close to me all so hurt at the same time. The only thing that sucks about all this is traveling back to Michigan. I hate it up there, and if this wasn't a once in a lifetime thing, I'd pass. Much like I do with our family reunions up there. Did I mention his funeral is on my birthday... but, at least I'll never really stop thinking about him.
Well, this is about as close as I've come to talking about it so I think we've had a nice little chat. I promise the next blog I will be completely non sensible and just like the others.
Eddie Belk, figured if you just read a little about him. You might as well know his name.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Friday, May 09, 2008
- A 1st grader's report card who got A's. Might not be mine, but she always loved to see A's.
- A snuff film that ends in song, she loves musicals.
- A gas card.... she always find it funny to slide one amongst my gifts every holiday. Time for me to laugh when I give a $#!tty present.
- A Teddy Roxpun
- Weave, at least 20 ft.
- A weekend getaway to the hostel from Hostel.... I think she'd get creative.
- A glass jar of hugs
- A Macaroni card
- A tear away suit, so she can easily fight crime on her lunch break.
- A Catwoman suit (what a terrible image) to match my Joker outfit for July 18th. No one I'd rather commit a crime with. Dark Knight b*tch, BLAAAATT.
- Kisses, from yo luva
- A written statement forgiving her for stealing all of my Sex and the City seasons (1-5).
- A $100 million check.... to frame, never deposit. I don't want her laughed out of the bank.
- Canned peaches, what?
- World peace
Some of those might get a fake "Thank you ... Son", but for the most part I see an awkward stare and completely straight face as her reaction. I might have to keep it traditional.
As usual on Fridays I don't have much to say cause I have totally checked out already. Hope to see some of you at the Church show I'm doing in DC. He told me there were several comedians from our area... we'll see if I recognize any one that will be there. I have a feeling it will be like when I got up to Maryland and meet a bunch of people who "have been doing comedy for 11 years..." but I've never bumped into them or seen them before. And then of course, Lizard 2.0!!!! For the millionth time, it's called O'SHAUGHNESSY'S now. We should all be excited. As to be expected from most first shows, allow me to guess the lineup (I swear I haven't looked at the line-up since the day he sent out the e-mail, I'm on the list for week two) : Damone Miller, Bryson Turner, Hampton Yount, Aparna, Seaton Smith and more... now for the real list (I'm opening a window, finger's crossed that I can guess the d*ck riding in my sleep, Tyler S. knows I love him. We all d*ck ride a little... but not my momma love you momula) ahem : Damone Miller, Jake Young, Adam Dodd, Seaton Smith, Herbie Gill and more!!!
Okay, I was pretty wrong. I like that, mixing it up some. I know Tyler S. was better than that. But, I'm going to leave the above paragraph right where it is so he can know I doubted him for a second. I'm human, I'm flawed. "Don't take me off week two Tyler!" Much love, TRich baby.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
The girl gave birth less than two weeks ago by caesarian section at Madison Memorial Hospital in Rexburg, Fremont County Sheriff Ralph C. Davis and other authorities said. Officials would not disclose the gender, date of birth or paternity of the baby.
"I wouldn't have believed a 10-year-old could conceive in the first place," Davis said.
A hospital spokeswoman would not discuss the condition of the girl or the baby and would not say whether either was still in the hospital Wednesday.
The story was first reported by KIDK Television in Idaho Falls.
St. Anthony police began investigating on April 28 after medical officials reported a pregnant child, and Guadalupe Gutierrez-Juarez, 37, of St. Anthony, was arrested the same day, Police Chief James Smith said.
"We had good information from witnesses," Smith said.
In documents that were filed April 29 in 7th District Court and obtained by The Associated Press, Gutierrez-Juarez is charged with one count of rape. He remained in jail with bail set at $250,000 pending a preliminary hearing May 13. Authorities said Gutierrez-Juarez did not have legal documentation to live in the United States. His home town and nationality were not immediately clear, but police said they had received no complaints about him before investigating the pregnancy.
The investigation was continuing. Smith would not give details on the condition of the girl but said additional counts of rape could be filed.
"The prosecutor is still considering doing that," he said.
Prosecutor Karl H. Lewies did not return telephone calls Wednesday from The AP.
Child protection laws prohibit the Idaho Department of Health and Welfare from confirming whether the agency was contacted about the case, spokesman Tom Shanahan said.
"In a situation like that, we probably would be contacted by the hospital," Shanahan said. "If there was a crime committed we would be working with local law enforcement."
If the girl's home is found to be unsafe, a custody hearing would be held immediately and the courts would decide where to place her, Shanahan said.
"If they decide the child needs foster care, we would do that immediately," he said.
While a 10-year-old giving birth is highly unusual, it is not impossible, said Laurie Krieger, a medical anthropologist in Washington D.C.
"We do know that girls in the U.S. are menstruating sooner," a development which can speed up the production of sex hormones and make pregnancy possible earlier than might have been thought likely, Kreiger said.
Nutrition, body mass and other factors, including the fact that children in the United States weigh more than in past generations, contribute to early menstruation, she added.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Allow me to run down a little story for you. I like to call it "45 minutes ago I had to go to the bathroom but was stuck in a committee meeting". I think the title sums it up pretty well. First, let me say that if you are a fan of spicy chicken, KFC is still carrying the HOT WINGS that I love. The cashier when I bought my bucket says that they're here to stay. I want to believe him, but.... God doesn't do things like that. Not to me. So, I ate a bunch of Wings and Mashed Potatoes (w/ GRAVY B*TCH) last night when I finally got home. By the way, apparently Cinco de Mayo is the killer of comedy. Now I'll actually remember that holiday for something cause before it was about as significant as Flag Day. (any comic that missed Chief Ike's f*cked up. Hot models, free Margaritas, comedy....bliss) Anyway, all the drinking, all the food and about 15 hours later what do you got? A serious $#!t. I went to the lavatory a bit earlier since I knew there was a meeting at 10. Apparently, the day had other plans. During the meeting, which consisted of 3 people and myself, my body gurgled non-stop. I began to glisten, the type of cold sweat that actually made me panic. "Am I gonna make it? Or am I gonna have to sprint out of the conference room and hunt down a $#!tter?" The look on my face told the story I'm sure. So, I sat there looking like a guy doing a Christopher Walken impersonation. Worst part is, when the meeting was finally over (about 45 minutes in) I swallowed it. I still haven't gone yet and that was about an hour ago. Woe is me.
Praise the wolf
Here is an interraction between Nick Turner (happy B-day) and I last night:
Tyler: Hey what's up? (gives dap)
Nick: Hey man (daps back, respect), I just touched my d*ck.
T:Well, I guess I should go wash my hands then.
That's when I went to the bathroom. Story over.
And now for some news:
(tell me he doesn't look like "The white Grinch who stole Christmas".... lie to me)
He listed various extreme demands made by the retired electrical engineer, who liked to inflict pain on the women and asked them to act like corpses.
Christoph F, 38, worked at the Villa Ostende in Linz for six years and said that Mr Fritzl, a regular customer, was notorious for being "domineering" towards the staff. "Ninety-five per cent of the guests are entirely normal, 3 per cent are slightly ‘derailed’, but Fritzl belonged to the last 2 per cent of extreme perverts, who are surely mentally deranged," Mr F told the Oesterreich newspaper.
He said that some of the prostitutes would refuse to go upstairs with him – "which was extremely rare in this business" – because of demands including sadism and "demanding that a girl should pretend to be a corpse".
Prostitution is legal in Austria, and the Villa Ostende charges its customers €150 an hour. Most of the prostitutes come from Eastern Europe and change every few weeks.
The barman said that Mr Fritzl, who kept his daughter Elisabeth captive in the cellar of the family home for 24 years and fathered seven children by her, was a longstanding customer renowned for his meanness.
"I was working there for six years and Fritzl would come regularly. I will never forget his stinginess," he said. "If he would consume drinks for €97 and would pay with a €100 bill – he would demand the €3 back.
"At the bar he was domineering. If he liked a girl he would order champagne for her, but after a short while he would start behaving like a headmaster with pupils and say things like ‘Sit straight!’ or ‘Don’t speak nonsense!’. Such behaviour is unusual in sex clubs."
In the aftermath of the Fritzl case, the Austrian Parliament is to discuss the introduction of more severe punishments for sex offenders.
The Nationalrat will discuss the case tomorrow, when MPs will debate a motion on whether to change the law to introduce tougher penalties for rapists, as well as to allow criminal records to be kept for a longer period of time.
Despite the fact that Mr Fritzl had a previous conviction for rape he was allowed to adopt, or become the foster parent, of three of the children claiming he was their grandfather. This is because Austrian law sees files on convictions for sex offences removed from the records after ten to 15 years.
Mr Fritzl served 18 months in prison for raping a 24-year-old nurse in Linz in 1967, when he was 32, after he threatened to kill her and put a knife on her throat. The judge at the time allegedly pronounced what was considered a lenient sentence because Mr Fritzl had four children.
The proposals from politicians from across the political spectrum to be discussed tomorrow range from introducing chemical or physical castration as punishment for serial sex offenders – an idea coming from the far Right – to stepping up efforts to prevent sex crimes and providing psychological counselling for sex offenders.
A proposal of the far-Right party, Alliance for the Future of Austria, to introduce regular check-ups for children to determine whether they were sexually abused has been rejected as an "absurdity" by other parties.
Monday, May 05, 2008
Friday, May 02, 2008
WhY sO sErIoUs?!!
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Sonic the Hedgehog
Too fast for the naked eye
Sonic the Hedgehog
Sonic, he can really move
Sonic, he's got an attitude
Sonic, he's the fastest thing alive
Look out when he storms through
Sonic the Hedgehog
Don't doubt what he can do
Sonic the Hedgehog
Sonic, he can really move
Sonic, he's got an attitude
Sonic, he's the fastest thing alive
He's the fastest thing alive
He's the fastest thing alive
- Tyler Richardson
- I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.
My Blog List
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- When the milk spoils, we'll chug baby!
- Atif, a look behind the beard
- Secretly, I'm Brian McKnight...
- Sir, lower your tone or you'll be asked to leave S...
- Hampton won the DC Improv Finals
- It was so hard today, I just kept fallin' asleep.....
- McMaybe I have a McProblem.... I'm McFlawed
- There's a woman in the house and I gotta fart a po...
- Another Hersday
- Keeping busy
- Life changes in an instant
- "Why don't you pour me a little bit, of a full gla...
- And no one noticed my d*ck was out...
- Because I care, I give you.... Two-Face & STORM SH...
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