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Just as good as a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.

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Friday, May 30, 2008

When the milk spoils, we'll chug baby!

For the sinners that missed last night's season finale of LOST... shame. But maybe you don't enjoy BJ's, long walks in the park, telling Santa what you want for Christmas or anything else that makes me wet. Well, I pity you. It was every bit of awesome though, believe dat.

The world is excited about the new Beverly Hills Cop 4, but do they remember how $#!tacular the third one was? Turn to the Dark Knight, he's sure not to let us down on July 18th!


I have to attend Driver's Improvement class this weekend. Uggg. On the plus side, think of the opportunities for b*tches. Ah....


I'm finally at the point where when I talk to my co-workers and an attractive woman walks by, they don't get phased by the fact that I completely look away from them mid sentence. At first they always looked at me with that "Wow, that's rude, you're a pervert" look on their faces. Now they understand that it's just how I am. If she's fine, I will look. I have to, otherwise they'll disappear. Am I the only one that paid attention in English class. But, the most important part, and what keeps me out of human resources, is that I never say anything. I reply the same thing every time "I've got astigmatism" and that's exactly what I'd tell the fine woman if she turned around... that, and "Damn you fine".


The first thing I saw this morning was Nelson walk out of his room scratching sac.... that is not how I prefer to start my Friday.


The State Theater has let local comics come in it's doors and we will be "Top Shelf". Please come support Seaton, Tony G/Poon, TRich and more. This could be the beginning of something beautiful. The date is June 7th, next Saturday. Doors open at 7, show starts at 9 and tix are $10. Let's show them the comedy scene that is right under their noses.


Today my friend Josh and his wife are in the hospital awaiting the birth of his first child. I never thought he would be the first of our friends to get married first or have a baby first.... but that's life. Hopefully the baby is white, otherwise she gonna have "a lotta explainin' to do". If you didn't read that like Ricky Ricardo, shame on you. Weren't you young once? Babalou!!!


Look out Pittsburgh, I'm coming in September. Of course, Pittsburgh can't here me, nor does it care that I'll be there at some point. I have no inner monologue, just a keyboard. Hope I don't get stabbed, I wonder what the tourist to stabbing ratio is out there....


Sex and the City came out today.... that is all. Now I'm wet.


Well, everyone get to their Friday stuff. Enjoy your weekend, be safe. See you guys around.


Laters


Thursday, May 29, 2008

Atif, a look behind the beard

Atif Meyers (I'm shocked that he has a last name too) is a new comedian on our scene but where exactly did he come from? Hmmm....

At the age of 4, Atif was caught selling the Russians Muslim secrets and banned from Kerblackistan. His family was very proud of their home and social status so they would not join Atif on this journey called life. Plus, the father was always doubtful that Atif was really his child. But, you can't just say that to the little guy. Cause even when he was a toddler.... he stayed strapped.

Atif wandered across many a kind soul that took him in and geed him for a small period of time. The ones that stood out most were the ones that did not make him keep his promise of non stop love making. He had to whore his way around, he was too young to get a job and still had a gleam in his eye. The perfect child to touch if that's what you're into. I wouldn't know (cough). Moving on....

When Atif finally made his was to a boat he was forced to bunk up with a large black man with no teeth, his name was Moor. He was quite simply, a big dude. Moor didn't care much for Atif and his non stop joy. It wasn't until 2 months had passed that the two shared their first words:

Moor: Hey kid, how the f*ck do you have a beard already? You gotta be like 10.

Atif: I really don't know. I was born with a goatee, so....

Hours later Moor would show Atif how to make wine in the toilet. Plastered, they both sat and shared stories of hardships and crime. "What the hell were you selling secrets to the Russians for?" Moor asked. "I don't know" Atif answered, and that was good enough for Moor. They laughed and joked with each other for the next few weeks.... until that night. It was April 35th 1998, seemed like a normal night, rainy. While sitting and packing all of their belongings, Moor had something to tell Atif:

M: You really just gonna leave me, huh?

A: Well, I gotta get going, I think there's a lot of money in the USA. I aims to go get it.

M: I ain't never cried in front of no dude before, but you special.

A: Why are standing in front of the door?

M: Just let this happen....

(Screams, struggle... release)


In the end, I wish I could tell you that Atif fought Moor off and jumped ship. I wish I could tell you that. But, sadly life is not a fairy tale. Poor Atif never stood a chance, permanent damage was done. They say Moor took Atif's smile that night, I say Moor straight f*cked his smile. Same thing I guess. Atif didn't $#!t for a long time (27 days to be exact) and is terrified if you so much as look at his @ss. Moor died of a stab wound 2 years later. He never stopped thinking about his little Muslim Atif Meyers. Strangely, and for a completely different reason, Atif never stopped thinking of Moor either.

After a lot of jobs (BJzens), Atif found his way to Chocolate City. He was hanging with the "bum" crowd for a while and stumbled onto our comedy scene. I think he said the first comic to embrace him was Travis Irvine, who slapped him in his mouth and whispered "we're friends now". Since then we haven't been able to shake Atif, dare I say that the little spy has grown on us.



For the record, Atif mentioned something about my blog being about him last night. So I obliged him, and I'm willing to bet his real life is a lot more boring than my tale. If he dies next week and people Google him, I hope they'll find this and believe every word. Hopefully they'll stop before this disclaimer. Cheers to you and your beard Atif Meyers. Cheers.

Laters

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Secretly, I'm Brian McKnight...

Where has Brian McKnight been?

-One last cry

-Anytime

-Back at One

-Whatever other songs were considered hits...

In the 90's you couldn't unbutton a woman's trousers without a little help from Mr. McKnight, now he leaves us to struggle and use "Game" all on our own. What could possible be more important than answering God's call and staying "simply sexual" in your music making? While some speculate that Brian is simply frustrated by his last two albums flopping horribly on the Billboard charts, some have a different take.

Gary Collins is a local man in Jackedrightoff, MN and former fan of Brian McKnight. Apparently, the streets of Jackedrightoff (last time I'm writing that name out) are no longer safe for children to play on. When the lights go down in the city (sweet song by Journey), the people who aren't smart enough to have been inside are nothing more than prey for an enemy that is unforgiving, merciless, lustful and one of the best R&B singers of the 20th century. Originally, it was thought to be an angry black werewolf, bitten while vacationing from Compton. But, the townspeople's attempts to distract with Fried Chicken skin didn't work. It took someone throwing a CD at the monster in a final struggle to get away that made the monster shriek "N*gga are you crazy?! That's some good $#!t. I won a f*ckin' Grammy for that!". His secret was out. Brian McKnight had become a monster, the worst kind too.... a black one.

Not everyday is terrible, sometimes everyone gets lonely. A group of teens can recall playing Smear the queer with Mr. McKnight, "He was taking it a little too seriously, but the game was fun" - Johnny Turpentine

What does Mrs. McKnight think of her husbands escapades? "Brian has been tearing people's hearts out since he was first able to sing. I wasn't the slightest bit surprised to find out that Brian had an unquenchable blood-lust. He's happiest when surrounded by the screams and shrieks of small children. (laughing) Brian always tells me that one day I'm going develop a taste for it, then he'll have to kill me, cause he hates competition. Especially Boyz II Men... sigh. But, I don't eat people though, just d*ck." - Mrs. McKnight

While Brian couldn't be reached for further comment or questions his publicist (interestingly enough, Mr. McKnight does still have people on the payroll) had this to say "Mr. McKnight would like to remind people of a little book that we've all heard of A Modest Proposal. Mr. McKnight would like to remind everyone that in earlier periods of civilization he would be hoisted on shoulders for helping even this overpopulation. Pictures that have surfaced recently online, some depicting Brian holding a severed child's head while singing Anytime, are no one's business and he would like some privacy. While he will neither confirm nor directly deny any allegations of baby tasting, Mr. McKnight will say that never have you felt taller than when you've bent down grab a child...cough... as a snack. Also, Brian McKnight is in talks with 50 Cent to collaborate on a new McKnight album. Brian is very excited about this new opportunity, and would to send out a heartfelt G-G-G-G- G Unit! Thank you and look for A Black Ass McKnight coming in stores on June 30th".

Be safe, you never know what corner Brian McKnight lurks behind....

Just in case someone liked that blog, I give you "The Secret Life of Rick Moranis"


P.S. - I'll be at the Baltimore Comedy Factory with Jared Stern and Vince Morris from June 26-29th.

Laters

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Sir, lower your tone or you'll be asked to leave Shoney's

Where do I start? Okay:




I left Thursday morning to go to Flint, MI. It was going to be 4 days before I'd see my home again and I would be with no one but family members for 4 days. I'm not the biggest fan of spending quality time with my family, love them to death, but I don't want to be around them much. One of the positives would be that I wouldn't have to spend a dime until I got back.... I do like that.

This picture was taken in Flint, MI. Yep.

The first thing I noticed when I we got to my grandmother's childhood friend's house was a newspaper on her table. The headline read "Big Dreamer gunned down in the streets".... $#!t. That's when it really occurred to me that we were in a bad place. Over the course of the next few days I would see a lot of things that blew my mind. Like when we visited another one of her friends right after my grandfather's funeral, we parked about 5 feet away from where people made a memorial for a homicide. I didn't want to get out of the car, but I damn sure wasn't staying in it. It was broad daylight and people could tell by the smile I wasn't from round there.


People are taking basketball really serious up there in Michigan. Do not say anything against the Pistons.... or you will be shot.

I have a picture in my phone that I wanted to add to the blog today but couldn't. It shows a gas sign: Regular gas $4.18, Plus $4.28, Diesel $4.89, Marlboro $4.39 Apparently, these people love cigarettes.



I did not see Indiana Jones IV because if a 70 year old man attempted anything like the previous movies he should be shot to death in the opening credits. Somehow, I feel as though the movie is longer than 3 minutes.



I love to think of my grandma as a sweet, foul-mouthed, lovable old woman. This weekend I found out that she had weed-scapades of her own back in the day. I must say that my family slowly shows me we have plenty in common after all.



For the first time since she was born 12 years ago, I like my little sister. I love her, but wouldn't have wanted to spend a free moment with her before. But, now I see that being raised by the same woman means we probably have more in common than I would admit. For instance: We both hated staying with my grandmother's friend so we teamed up to get a hotel stay. I'm a big brother now.



There is a hot dot concoction called a Coney, I was told "Oh, you love Chili dogs, so you just have to try a Coney while you're here". My hopes were high, how do you compare something to a Chili dog.... especially when it tastes nothing like a Chili dog??!! It was gross, like someone vomited up corn beef hash on top of your hot dog then tried to cover it up with onion. More onion than should be legal, there was literally half of a good sized onion sitting on top of my Coney. And, I won't go into detail, but the next 48 hours were very touch and go....



I had to get shuttled from my hotel to a store to buy ciggys and beerzen on Saturday night. I met a very attractive Spanish and she said her name was Priscilla. We had to drive quite a ways to get to a store since they put the hotel very far from the slums of Flint. Over the course of the next 40 minutes the conversation turned from flirt to informative. She was 18, didn't bother me, but she had 3.....3...3 kids already. Damn, next thing I knew I felt like I was playing the role of being a nice guy. Cause I damn sure wasn't trying to hit on her. Too fertile.... poor thing.



My grandfather had many brothers, the most memorable to me was John. John's right hand doesn't move, kinda like Bob Dole. John's right leg doesn't work either, so he has a weird hop step about him. It's kinda sad but John talks in the strangest "Double talk way" you'd swear that he was smokin' crack. However, my grandmother insists that he only smokes weed. Weed does not do that to folks. We went to John's house right after the funeral to see what makes a man not go to his own brother's funeral. This man is sitting on the couch drinking and smoking cigarettes. After listening to his speak for about an hour, I say speak instead of conversation cause all I could answer back with was an occasional "Gotcha" or "Right", I spot a joint lying on the table. Right in front of my mother and sister, they never even saw it, but in my mind the whole time he spoke to me I was reaching to put it in my pocket.



During my Grandpa's funeral someone handed my mother Nitroglycerin that expired in 10/07. I'm too lazy to look it up, plus she threw it away, but WTF?!



Jeff Maurer crushed at the Arlington Cinema N' Drafthouse on Wednesday. I'd seen him perform before and wasn't the biggest fan. But, he came out there last week and was crisp, I knew he would make it to the next week after his first real bit (I'm not counting that "When I say a number you say the square root" thing he does to pump them up, the rest of his material is so smart). I'm a fan now though (like he would care, who the f*ck is Tyler Richardson) and just thought I'd d*ck ride for a second.... oh yeah, Randolph T or Terrance got through too. yay.



I'm afraid Will Hessler and I are mind linked. Will, did you have a dream about the two of us making Vanilla ice cream? Cause I did.



I would have just e-mailed Will that question, but he prefers I speak about him publicly and never straight to him. And no eye contact, he hates that.



I think I've gotten a good bit of random off my chest so I'll talk to you guys tomorrow. Spy Lounge is on next Monday, we missed a couple of weeks due to problems last Monday and a holiday yesterday. Stay gold pony boy.



Laters.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Hampton won the DC Improv Finals


I always hate how you have to search around to find out the results of the showcase. Congrateys Hampton.


That's the real Wendy (Melissa Lou Thomas) behind this man in a wig. Did anyone else know that they stopped the "young men in red wigs" ad campaign due to weak sales. Shame, it's was so random I couldn't help but love it. "I deserve a burger that sizzles!"

Random moments that brought a smile to my face:


- On a double date in high school, Nelson throw a strike while bowling. He had played horribly but was so excited that he jumped way up in the air and did a DX crotch chop. There was no sex for Nelson that night. Come to think of it, I think I was still a virgin the next day. So... maybe I should have crotch chopped.

- Jermaine noticed that I have a deer's head mounted on my wall in my apartment. My Grandpa killed it and gave it to me a long time ago, he stays now. But, he was appalled at how we decorate the dead animal at certain times of the year. I think his words were (this is around the 4th of July) "So he died for no reason, and now you disgrace him by putting shades and a bandanna on him?!"

- I stayed at John McBride's friend's house in Richmond, she was great and a great host. I accidentally left my hat, my favorite Kangol, over there. I never saw it again and haven't been able to buy it. I still have a white version, but that black $#!t is hot fire. I didn't really smile too much about that one.... I'm not hatin', I'm just sayin'.
- I still find it funny that at Sampson's show a little over a year ago, I think, the comics found boxes of wine and imported beer and straight jacked that $#!t. We apologized and meant it, but for one night we were bootleggers.
- When I replay getting heckled at Rascals in front of my mother in my mind I can laugh now. There was a time when the only thing that went through my mind was "what piece of $#!t comic brought those hecklers??!!! and is he dead yet?" I still hope he's dead, a little (c'mon now, my momma was there), but I chuckle.

- At my friend Jessie Thomas' place down in Richmond, there was a great Christmas party with lots of fine women. Jessie was drunk and didn't feel like making a big chase out of the evening. He picked the sluttiest looking ex-stripper, that's true, and approached... "I really think you should just f*ck me"... she told him she was celibate. Yeah.

- I remember Rory coming up to me at Topaz and telling me how much he smoked. Then he told me that he went bike riding with Andy Haynes. I pictured two really toasted guys riding a bike and laughing and asked him "Rode a bike like a stroll through the park, or Lance Armstrong?" with a huge grin he replied "Lance f*cking Armstrong man!" While the image was different now, I still found that funny. Then he told me he was an alien and I couldn't tell anyone or I'd ruin it. Over the course of the next 4 minutes of conversation, everyone that approached got told that secret and told to keep quiet. I miss Rory.

- McBride walked in on my droppin' the duece at what used to be the Laughing Lizard... I was horrible embarrassed when I walked out and everyone laughed at me. I would've told everyone what just happened if the shoe was on the other foot though, so: McBride-1 Richardson-0

- Driving through DC with my d*ck in an empty Colgate mouthwash bottle cause I didn't think I'd find a place to pee. And, I certainly wasn't about to get out of the car anywhere near Southeast. But, I found a church to pee in and made it to the show with about 5 minutes to prepare to perform.

- Watching comics bark at on lookers and giving jazz hands or spirit fingers.... it always makes me laugh.

- Last week at iNova hospital, Eric Molberg was performing for a 13 year old that just had gastro bypass. I'm not gonna make any jokes about her, it was pretty sad, but we were told not to mention food or fat people. He didn't, but at some point he said "Like I just ate a horse". Everyone in the room pause and I'm sure that girl felt eyes on her, I haven't felt that awkward in some time. That tickles me.

- When taping for Comcast's Open Mic in Richmond, the camera yelled at me for answering the questions in the wrong format. He made me repeat along with him then I did it right. After I did it right he screamed "NOW DO IT WITHOUT ME YELLING IT FIRST!" I wasn't even angry, I just pretty embarassed.

- Jermaine threw up after having one Miller Lite and some Wendy's. Oh, that's golden.

Well tonight is the Arlington cinema N' Drafthouse competition, week 3 of round 1. Aparna and possibly Will Hessler will be performing so I'm strapping grenades to my chest for some type of leverage with the judges. We'll see how this goes, then I'm out of town for a tick so there might be no Hersday or Friday blogs. Cause no one in my family that lives in Michigan has cable... sigh, that means to expect Internet would be crazy too. Sigh, I wish it were Sunday afternoon.

Laters

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

It was so hard today, I just kept fallin' asleep...

Did anyone notice that when DC4Now asked Tyler S. if he has any message to give with his comedy, he did not say anything about music?! If there is one thing we can all agree on, it's that Mr. S wants us all to expand our horizons by listening to more alternative music. Strike one point from Mr. S's record for lying while being interviewed. Now that he's lied, who knows what he's capable of?
Interviewer: "Mr. Sonnichsen, have you ever watched children play while playing with yo..."

Tyler S: Let me just stop you there. 1997, next question.

See, lying leads to pedophilia. I don't write the laws, I just read'em. Tyler would never diss Tyler by the way. Tyler loves Tyler, just like jockeys love cock, horse cock.

Why doesn't the world know what Bukkake is yet? Cause I've been dying for years to say "Bukkake Sunrise" mid conversation and have someone actually react. Instead, I get nothing and it loses it's shock value when you have to explain it.

And now, for the Wikipedia word of the day:

Bukkake (Japanese: ブッカケ) pronunciation (help·info) is a group sex practice that features a female subject being ejaculated on by multiple men.

Yep, so now at least someone will know what I mean when I mention the Bukkake Sunrise now. See, you wake up to multiple men standing atop your bedside.... you get the rest. It all ends with a happy "Good Morning!" Ah.

Tupac is dead. Cause if he wasn't dead, why would he let Lupe Fiasco become the most lyrical storyteller of all time? Exactly, and Biggie was better.

Today I had Honey Nut Cheerios for the first time in years. The last time I recall asking my mother for them was when they used to play the Christmas commercial with Ebenezer Scrooge. I believe that in 14 seconds the Honey Nut Bee did what took 3 ghosts an entire play. Which proves my point, that bee was the Devil.

Man cancels Check Card that his wife has in her possession. Man cancels card for some reason. Wife still has card. Slutty wife goes to bars and rings up tab a month after card is cancelled cause bars want their money. Man calls dispute/fraud wondering why the charges were authorized. When lady from the call center calls me, all I keep asking is "Why did he cancel the card and not cut it up? Is he still with his wife? Yes, then why won't he let her spend money? Why does she have his cards anyway, she's got about 20 of her own? Why can't he control his money? Why can't he control his wife?" In the end, the man doesn't get relayed much of an answer, just a lot of questions from a confused TRich.

Sarah Jessica Parker is very attractive despite what people say. I lied just then, I just don't like falling in with the crowd. Charlotte is an angel though.

Jimmy was right with that last comment, I'm an alcoholic. Now that that's out of the way.... Tequila shots! No, I have told myself to drink less, not because I think I have a problem. But for the same reason I brought drinks in on Saturday in the first place, that $#!t is crazy expensive when you're drinking out 4-5 nights a week. N!ggas is broke these days.

I get panic attacks in elevators when too many people are in one, by too many I mean about 4. So this morning a woman I've had fun conversations with asks me to walk her downstairs. I say "Sure" cause I'm trying to put all the pieces together about her. Here is what I had when I said yes: She was married, the husband left and the baby died. It's a horrible story but it did mean she was single with NO KIDS, apparently that's rare these days. A friend cracks a joke while we stand in front of the elevator rubbing her tummy. I explain that I have to know what that joke meant. At this point about 13 people are standing in front of the elevators. We get on one and she explains that she's 4 months pregnant. Her two year old is excited. So is the father.... ??!?!?!?!?!? Clearly, I was misinformed. Sigh, so now I have another friend. I never dreamed I'd have so many friends when my ex left me a couple of years ago. But, everyone has kids or is married. What the hell happened to my youth?!

Okay kiddies, that's all for today but we'll have plenty to talk about tomorrow. The DC Improv Showcase Finals are tonight and should be good. I should be there to root the Fowlest on, but life always give you a choice between good (comedy) and not bad but not comedy (shhhh).

If this was shorter than you thought it would be feel free to read the story of Ronald Donald yesterday. Arrogant, but I like that one.

Laters

Monday, May 19, 2008

McMaybe I have a McProblem.... I'm McFlawed

Of course there is a story to go along with that McSubject line up there. I call it "The Legend of Ronald Donald". You see, young Ronald Donald was curious and had the world at his fingertips. But, he lusted, he lusted for cheese soaked patties in a sesame seed bun. Women complained that he always brought sweet n' sour sauce into the bedroom. Not because he was into experimenting sexually, but because he always kept McNuggets in the nightstand. He's rumored to be the only recorded orgasm while eating a Big Mac. He was just different. No one seemed to understand him. Eventually he found himself falling into a bad crowd, struggling to fit in. For the illusion of acceptance he was willing to snort cocaine and go on Meth binges. This lead to the war paint. How Ronald ended up in a yellow clown costume is simpler. On day he stumbled across children having a huge birthday party in Central Park. They had more McDonald's in this party than Ronald imagined in Heaven. He had to act fast, so he spent his last $200 on a clown suit to entertain the children with. When he showed up at the children's party, the father pretended like he paid for a clown to entertain. He wife seemed happy, so did the children, why would he kill all the fun with the questions? Ronald introduced himself "Hello all you beautiful boys and girls. I see we're having a McDonald's party.... I mean birthday party. I'm Ronald... uh.... McDonald, we are gonna have all kinds of fun today but before we start things off I just need 10 chicken McNuggets to start the balloon animals." The children had a great time, until things got ugly. A child dropped several fries and immediately wrote them off as bad. Ronald didn't see it that way and demanded the child pick the fries up, screaming "Those are still good, you stupid kid!" Needless to say, the father didn't appreciate that type of talk directed at his child. Plus, his wife and friends were there so he couldn't b*tch out. An altercation began and the more people joined in, the angry it made Ronald. People walking by only saw a mob attacking a clown while he screamed for blood. Oddly enough, Ronald continued to eat while in the midst of the battle. His famous last words before taking out his Beretta were "You m*thaf*ckas done did it now, tell me how the fries taste in HELL!!" Ronald was charged with Homicide, but due to obscurity of the clown suit, he was able to work out a deal with the Prosecuting attorney. A lifetime of service to McDonald's by day, back in prison by night. He entertains the children and gets more than his fill of McDonald's delicious food. But, at night, when Ronald McDonald takes off his make up and retires to San Quinton penitentiary, he's just plain ol' Ronald Donald. His screams can be heard filling the air, cause there's always some prisoner that wants to have sex with Ronald McDonald. Always.

I'm 25 today.... doesn't really feel like something to celebrate. It's kind of depressing, but to ease the pain of old age the G-Lord (you may know him formally as God) gives a break on insurance rates. Good lookin' out G-Lord, you da homey.

Let me start today by clarifying a little story while admitting to wrong on Saturday. Since apparently people have nothing better to talk about than my drinking let me set the record straight for all the frequenters of Wiseacres who heard a lie. I did not bring an outside beer into Wiseacres a couple of weeks ago. I threw away two cans that were in the car. Why two empty beer cans were in my car is no one's concern, but Travis and I were looking for a trash can to throw them in before we got inside the club. No luck, or maybe I'm just blind. So, I threw them in a can inside. Brian McClure saw this and felt the need to tell me "Don't ever come in here with an outside beer again without drinking here" that's an exact quote. To which I quickly replied "I was just throwing away some cans, don't worry I'm an alcoholic, I'll be drinking" and I thought that was that. I guess not though, he said something similar to Travis shortly after that. I thought that was it. When people are bored they talk. I can only assume that's why it was brought up to Diesel and I honestly have no idea why it would need to be discussed unless somewhere information was lost. I'll chalk that up to miscommunication though, not a big deal. But, it was thrown in my face on Saturday and I thought I'd clear that up before anyone else mentioned it to me (I've heard that story a few times, it was always wrong). Now to Saturday...

I can't really sugar coat Saturday, cause I did exactly what I'd spent a week telling people
I didn't do at Wiseacres. Randolph yelled a lot, I think I had a pretty good set though. And no, I wasn't drunk, I'm just a man damnit. I'm make mistakes, I need to bite the head off a bat or something cause I hate the fact the people seem to associate Tyler and drinking. Associate Tyler and moderately funny, it's my birthday.

This is the first year I've actually been surprised by women remembering my birthday. Thanks Erin, you're the only one that reads this so you get all the thank you's today.

Friday, May 16, 2008

There's a woman in the house and I gotta fart a poem by Tyler Richardson


It's a Thursday night and look at the clock
shouldn't have had that Chipotle, cause I've got non stop farts
The phone rings

it's that Betty, saying she's about to park

I didn't expect company
I was half naked watching sharks
but now she's at the door
my racing heart's off the chart
"Oh $#!t" she's got on the pumps I pointed out to Clark
but oh $#!t, now there a woman in the house

and I have to fart

We sit on the couch but I can't get at ease

my stomach gurgled so hard I had to mask it with a sneeze

oh no she made me laugh,
please God please

I'll run to the bathroom and let this go..

now she's resting her head on my shoulder

no woman no

Where is the dog? I'll just blame it on him

he's playing over there and it's too dangerous to snap my fingers at him

$#!t, feels like if I blink I'll have some explaining to do

and now she wants to tickle fight, that's just not the thing to do

if she keeps it up we'll both be soaked in doo

Couldn't call her over before but now I can't keep us apart

"THERE IS A WOMAN IN THE HOUSE AND OMG I'M GONNA FART!"

It's times like these that a true genius shines

I told her I was gonna grab a photo to show her from pretty embarrassing times
I step into my closet to grab the photo, and shut the door
and released something so thick I had to check the floor

I count down from 62 and finally my cheeks stopped clapping

seemed it would never stop so I plugged it with a napkin
do about 4 laps round the table to get the stank off

she thinks it's cute cause I'm juking like Randy Moss

but I was terrified the funk would never come off

when I sit down we start to touch mouths
Daddy's about to get some strange,

but there's no condoms in this house!

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Another Hersday

It's always fun entertaining the kiddies, I think Molberg, Jake Young (a big black man), Anupuma and myself rocked just a little bit last night. I'm not a nice person but for some reason it does make me feel good that this one little girl was allowed to leave the hospital two hours before the show started and stuck around just to laugh. Her father reminded us quite a few times as we waited for Black man Young to find the room. He was "the coolest man in a lime green polo I've ever seen", and didn't shy away from a lot of physical contact with a young black man he'd never met before. He was the white center to my Oreo cookie.... oh, oh no, that sounded gay. Scratch that, rewind it.
If only I wasn't so deathly afraid of riding an ostrich.... looks pretty mantastic though. Like something pulled right from your darkest mantasies.


Today, I felt like sleeping in since I was pretty tired. It felt like Heaven to sleep til 10. That it all.


My mother called me to tell me she was in the mood for candied yams yesterday.... I guess she didn't feel prepared to harass a friend with that type of $#!t so she called me.


The anonymous posters on DCC4Now are, by far, the most popular comics in the area. It's all I see when I read blogs and all I really care about. Neither of the guys who run it have come out and bashed the anony's.... not really anyway. Because, I think when you call it "DC Comedy 4 Now" you realize that gives everyone in the area free right to say what they feel. Even Mike Blejer, for those of you that aren't a part of his fan club yet. If they let a guest bloggers write something inspiring, instead of what's always wrong with comedy, I'd like to see how all the anony's feel about that. What can I say, I'm a fan. I really hope it's more than 5 people writing all that though. If it's one guy, he's got some serious split personality disorder. Bravisimo Anonymous, whoever you are.


Here's a blog for you all to show Jermaine Fowler (aka The Fowlest) some love: http://www.biggillcomedyhour.blogspot.com/

Anonymous, I hope you rip that n*gga to pieces... get em'.


Can we do a shorty and feel good about ourselves? Nah, but it's gonna happen anyway. Tomorrow I'll have more time to think, right now I'm paying the cost for using leave to sleep in. Cause my work still needs to be done by 4:30. Loving life.


Oh, congrateys to Rob Maher and Jon Mumma, they won last night at the Drafthouse. Stiff competition, Chris White, Damone (that might always make me laugh) Miller, other comics whose names I don't remember.... Congrateys. Mental bong hit with your names all over it.... (exhale).


Laters everyone, I'm going to read some more anonymous comments....

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Keeping busy

Had the pleasure of bombing at Brittany's last night, though it didn't really seem like most of the room had a pulse. Might have been a bit too early for me to try to be funny when my mind is clouded with sadness. But, I gotta Harlem Shake that off tonight, cause it's back to iNova Hospital to have some fun with the childrens and such. My goal is just to get a consistent smile going, who needs laughter?

The commenting on DC4Now's blog's are better than the actual blogs most of the time. Pop on over and see what the anony's have to say about the most recent hate blog. I'm a reader at work like everyone else, so guys : "Stop writing all these angry blogs, and just write something worth reading." It seems like the only way people feel like they can get your attention is to write something that makes you mad enough to swear at them via comment.... anonymously. I wonder if all the anony's are different comics or if they're the same guy. Part of me see's the Fowlest sitting in his "Billy Karate" outfit, laughing while he types these hate filled comments, screaming "FUI". Though, I have to give credit to the last anony because he was pretty in synch with how I felt while reading that blog. But, for real, Blejer has got to keep any comment over 1 paragraph long in his own blog.


Update: When I wrote that last paragraph, Blejer had not commented (he swore). In light of recent events perhaps my anger is foolish. I really feel like it is, but to any comic who talks boldly on a blog should remember, we all run into each other eventually. I had to learn that the hard way. I vowed long ago that no longer would I blog to talk trash, instead I like random non-sense that might cause office smiles. (I would, however, like to draw everyone's attention to the picture above....)


Apparently, even though you're part of a team, do not depend on others to help with your share of assignments while you're gone. After two days away from work, I came back to see a "Happy Birthday" balloon on my desk. When I turned on my computer there was another surprise. ALL MY WORK FOR THE PAST TWO DAYS still waiting on me. Oh, and apparently there will be cake outside at 11:30 :)


I smell good today, the scent nowadays you ask? GUCCI b*tch. Recognize.


Last night I had Chicken Fajitas (to be pronounced Fa-jie-tas), they were pretty tasty but assembling the Fajita gave me an odd paranoia. I felt like a fat man preparing a sumptuous feast. Dave Carter has lost a lot of weight over the past couple of years, but he's always got food in front of him when you arrive to an open mic. I was smiling when I put it together and just thought of him in my mind getting his own plate ready. Wasn't that hard, since he left about 15 minutes before I got my food last night. I would honestly pay him to follow me around annoyingly repeating everything I said, followed by his laugh. Thinking of his chuckle tickles me, more than I should continue to talk about. So...


Nelson has got the term "Boo-nasty" stuck in my head.


Is it just me, or when someone dies do people find the most random $#!t to talk to you about? "Oh, sorry to hear about your Grandfather.... Do you think Indiana Jones will be the summer's biggest picture?" That is an example of my friend Josh. Whenever people are having personal problems, since I don't care, I usually just shut the f*ck up. Josh.... not so much.


31 flavors of Ice Cream seems like too many to me. I think Baskin Robbins should take it down to 23.


I've pretty muched ditched my iPod for Nelson's because it has stuff I never got around to buying or downloading. I feel like a whore, so every once in a while I'll put mine in and let it know it's still pretty. But, while I listen to it I'm still thinking of Nelson's iPod. Reminds me of a love song by John Legend.


Thinking of John Legend brings this thought to mind. Should they rename his songs Lust songs, cause there is absolutely no love being spoke of....


Gotta finish some stuff, see you guys at Wise & iNova tonight.


Laters

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Life changes in an instant

Yesterday while I was on my way to work, or maybe in a meeting, my grandfather passed away. I don't want any sympathy but as hard as the last 24 hours have been, for the first time I truly cherish all the memories I have of him. I guess everything follows the "you don't know what you've got" rule. My grandparents are nothing like my mother, is pretty "up tight" in her old age. I'm not sure if I act more like them or if she just stopped being herself a long time ago. But, I have been fortunate enough to be able to sit down and joke with them as though we were best friends, and look back on childhood memories too. As sad as I am, I do understand that a lot of people don't get to say the same thing. I can't picture my grandfather as anything but sitting back in a chair, with a Miller Lite, laughing at some story. We could be at Kings Dominion and I still see him in that chair. He was 69 and still had all of his hair, something I hope is hereditary. And he had blue eyes, not contacts either, sometimes the stare could hypnotize you. Here are a few of the memories I felt like sharing cause they make me smile:

- I spent the summer with my grandpa back in 92', we traveled around the country in an 18 wheeler. The first time we stopped to get food at some restaurant stay with me to this day. We start to eat and there I am, a little 9 year old kid, and I have a mouth full of food just yapping away. Try and picture a bum that can't stop thanking you while he continues to shovel food in his face. Then comes the slap, (insert loud slap here), "Boy, chew with yo damn mouth closed". Since then, honestly, I always chew with it closed. You gotta learn manners from somewhere, that's just where I got that piece of advice. He used to laugh so hard every time I'd remind him of that story cause he didn't remember it. But, he never denied it, he'd say "That sounds about right though".

- Here is a quote that I'll always have "What do I care if a woman is attractive or not? Does she got money? Cause if I ain't got $#!t and you ain't got $#!t, what we gonna do together? What we both need to be broke fo'? She can be ugly as hell, long as she got money." And, believe me, he meant every word. He truly was a dog catcher.

- My Grandpa had an enema, I think, and I can't remember the story word for word. I do remember my Grandma saying that when she came in the room, he was turning his head while on his stomach and tears were just streaming down his face. He laughed his head off while she told that story.

- My Grandpa got stabbed. That's it, but that's one more memory of getting stabbed than I want.

- He gave me my first sip of beer when I was 5. I was so disgusted, yet, 20 years later that same beer is all I drink. The man could tell the future, or just got me off to a really bad start.

I've got a lot of weird memories of him which is probably why it seems so weird that I won't get anymore. I never lost any family member that actually mattered to me. Due to the fact that acknowledge about 1/12 of my actual family. I've never seen those close to me all so hurt at the same time. The only thing that sucks about all this is traveling back to Michigan. I hate it up there, and if this wasn't a once in a lifetime thing, I'd pass. Much like I do with our family reunions up there. Did I mention his funeral is on my birthday... but, at least I'll never really stop thinking about him.

Well, this is about as close as I've come to talking about it so I think we've had a nice little chat. I promise the next blog I will be completely non sensible and just like the others.

Eddie Belk, figured if you just read a little about him. You might as well know his name.

Bye

Monday, May 12, 2008

"Why don't you pour me a little bit, of a full glass... of that Rum"

I hope everyone had a great weekend. I'm having a tough time figuring out if I did. My memories seem pleasant but the facts lay out a different story. Memories say that I went to my friend Stu's house and hung out with a hippie and an old buddy I hadn't seen in a while. Then, I played GTA IV on Saturday morning, grabbed my favorite Asian and went to a show at some church in DC. From there (and that is another story to be written below) we went to O'Shaughessy's (formerly the Lizard) for fun with comics. Sunday, I got up and ran out to shop for gifts for my mother and grandmother, this year my goal was to not only buy them cards... but gifts they'd actually like! I did that too, thanks to some kind older black women in line at Anne Klein helping me at the register. Now, let's roll through the FACTS:

On Friday I went to Stu's house and there is see a hippie. There are generally new folks to meet and chat with every time that I make my way over to Stu's, but (just making a reference) this guy looked like the long haired friend of Ben Stiller in There something about Mary. It was hilarious to me, and so I sit down. Within about 5 minutes, somehow, the conversation between the 4 of us had steered towards a popular subject among black guys "White people's use of the N word". For the record, I am not a fan of white people using the word, you're not black so don't use it. But, I do not get offended by it, that's just how I feel. When asked I will respond with honesty, this apparently set them all of and there is nothing cute about 4 men sitting around a cipher discussing something that would otherwise be a good debate. I believe he called me "An uptight black man. Oh, I'm sorry... do you prefer African American..." Honestly, I'm not that big a fan of a lot of Africans that I've met and I have never like to be called African American. Just black, I'm just black. We touched on a lot of topics that night, most of them should not be discussed by men in a room full of "smoke". Here's a peek at what we were mulling over: The N Word from a white mouth, Evolution vs. Religion (I was arguing for religion.... yep), Is smoking suicide?, summer movie reviews. It was an interesting few hours and in the end I really enjoyed the hippie, though during our first discussion he used the N word about 35 times trying to sway my opinion formed through 24 years of being black. I'm not sure if he honestly wanted to sway me, or thought that once my ignorance meter reached full capacity I would burst and shower the basement with cotton candy. I guess we'll never know.


Saturday, I woke up and decided to make so progress in GTA IV, and spank as many people as possible online. Something about the way children talk to adults online.... just makes me happier when I throw them out of a car and stand over them with a rocket launcher. In the least violent way, of course. Then it was time to prepare for the church show. I'm not the dirtiest comic around so I assumed this would only take some minor tweaking. Oh, how wrong we are when we assume. It started by getting there on time, the contact asked me to be there 6:30 the show starts at 7:30. Okay, so I'm there at 6:35-ish, he's not there. There are 3 people there: HOT female singer, A comic to host (He kind of scared me, unless he's reading this, cause you scare me) and the contact's mother. Nelson came with me cause what good is a best friend if you don't occasionally have a misadventure together? Neither Nelson nor I were aware that this woman was the contact's mother. She seemed like an older woman that just LOVED gospel hip hop. To be honest, the gospel hip hop they put on wasn't really that bad. Every song did talk about God though, I couldn't stop thinking "Don't they have any subject in their songs other than praising the Lord. Not in a bad way, but damn don't they ever rap about bettering children's lives or love of grape soda.... $#!t. Oh yeah, Nelson was very happy to point out that I kept letting the expletives fly outside the church. Apparently, I curse like a drunken sailor, but only in front of the G-Lord's steps. So, when they threw on the gospel hip hop they weren't playing around. That $#!t was cranking so loud that when I tried putting in my Lupe Fiasco, I couldn't even hear it on the loudest setting the iPod has to offer. $#!t, the entire time that Nelson and I tried not to laugh due to awkwardness, the mother was gyrating in her chair to the music. Not so much a rhythmic gyration, as it looked like she caught the holy spirit. That has always made me feel uncomfortable to watch. We waited until about 8 something for the show to start. It made things worse that Nelson and I kept noticing whispers and stares in our direction. Like they knew we were the biggest sinners in the room and wanted to hold us in some holy water before I performed. On to my performance, well where do I start. I think I can sum up the whole thing with two instances. When I started my Playstation 3 joke, I have a line where I say "Who hasn't paid 6 or 700 for a slave or someone you care about?" Well, right before I got to that line I questioned if that was appropriate for a church. I looked over at Nelson and he knew exactly what I was stopped about, all he did was shake his head NO. In another instance, I mentioned being scared of something and the crowd laughed. So then I asked "Who here has ever been lost in SouthEast DC?" At this point a man in the back says "I live in SouthEast DC" then someone else shouts that they work there. Next thing you know, in about 5 seconds the place was nothing but grumbles of proud South East DC-ites. I stopped right there and thanked them for their time. It was terrible. Let's speed through the rest...


Went to O'Shaughessy's where I was one of the first to arrive, did not get on. Coupled with the fact that I learned I lost my Visa Check Card at some point that evening I drove home pretty pissed.


Woke up Sunday, my mother guilt tripped me for not going to church with them that morning. I told her that I'd been to enough church for the weekend. Bought something she liked, the went to a new Japanese steakhouse. Food was okay, sober the entire time, not how I prefer to spend my weekends.... the sober part I mean.


Came home to get a few hours of free time by myself, I hate going places for the weekend. Next week, my perfect weekend: Sat around all weekend, got a piece, did some comedy, had an ice sculpture made of me slaying a dragon. AH.... a man can dream.


If you are a female comic, do not give another comic a fake telephone number because you think he's hitting on you. You have to see these people all the time, Sarah Donelly. I said her name cause I'm the only one with something to be ashamed of. But, one day, I'm gonna have a good set or save a kid's life or something and she's gonna slip up "That was great".... and my response "Woman you gave me the WRONG NUMBER, like I'm Tyler S. or something?!! Is you crazy? May you get bunions on your life!" I'm not really that angry, but the thought of that explosions tickles me. She really did that $#!t though.


Laters everyone

Friday, May 09, 2008

And no one noticed my d*ck was out...

I just found out that the cafeteria downstairs makes a pretty banging BACON, EGG and CHEESE SANDWICH!!!! Now that is how I like to kick off my Fridays.... and it's nice to see money was deposited into my account in the wee hours of the morning too.

Mother's Day is not a real holiday. There is said it. But, seeing how we all adore our mothers, we have to make her feel special on this day. I love my momula so I've been batting around some ideas for that special day. Please let me know if you have any, here's what I've got so far....



  1. A 1st grader's report card who got A's. Might not be mine, but she always loved to see A's.



  2. A snuff film that ends in song, she loves musicals.



  3. A gas card.... she always find it funny to slide one amongst my gifts every holiday. Time for me to laugh when I give a $#!tty present.



  4. A Teddy Roxpun



  5. Weave, at least 20 ft.



  6. A weekend getaway to the hostel from Hostel.... I think she'd get creative.



  7. A glass jar of hugs



  8. A Macaroni card



  9. A tear away suit, so she can easily fight crime on her lunch break.



  10. A Catwoman suit (what a terrible image) to match my Joker outfit for July 18th. No one I'd rather commit a crime with. Dark Knight b*tch, BLAAAATT.


  11. Kisses, from yo luva


  12. A written statement forgiving her for stealing all of my Sex and the City seasons (1-5).


  13. A $100 million check.... to frame, never deposit. I don't want her laughed out of the bank.


  14. Canned peaches, what?


  15. World peace

Some of those might get a fake "Thank you ... Son", but for the most part I see an awkward stare and completely straight face as her reaction. I might have to keep it traditional.


As usual on Fridays I don't have much to say cause I have totally checked out already. Hope to see some of you at the Church show I'm doing in DC. He told me there were several comedians from our area... we'll see if I recognize any one that will be there. I have a feeling it will be like when I got up to Maryland and meet a bunch of people who "have been doing comedy for 11 years..." but I've never bumped into them or seen them before. And then of course, Lizard 2.0!!!! For the millionth time, it's called O'SHAUGHNESSY'S now. We should all be excited. As to be expected from most first shows, allow me to guess the lineup (I swear I haven't looked at the line-up since the day he sent out the e-mail, I'm on the list for week two) : Damone Miller, Bryson Turner, Hampton Yount, Aparna, Seaton Smith and more... now for the real list (I'm opening a window, finger's crossed that I can guess the d*ck riding in my sleep, Tyler S. knows I love him. We all d*ck ride a little... but not my momma love you momula) ahem : Damone Miller, Jake Young, Adam Dodd, Seaton Smith, Herbie Gill and more!!!


Okay, I was pretty wrong. I like that, mixing it up some. I know Tyler S. was better than that. But, I'm going to leave the above paragraph right where it is so he can know I doubted him for a second. I'm human, I'm flawed. "Don't take me off week two Tyler!" Much love, TRich baby.


Laters everyone....

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Because I care, I give you.... Two-Face & STORM SHADOW!!!!!




Nothing feels worse than being close to a female and being told that you smell of alcohol. That happened twice last night (Sarah, Staci)... I haven't been that embarrassed in some time. That's about the point when I shut up. No gum was in my pockets. I try to be more professional these days but every now and again I have a slip up. Last night was definitely the case, I was too drunk and got on stage. Could've been worse but take it from me, you don't want to be that guy. Feels like $#!t. But, like I said, I'm working on that.




JUSTIN COUSSON, you have to give me your gamertag in order to start this thing.... Devo2021, now all you have to do is friend request me.




I will have updates on the GTA IV violence Justin and I spread later, "Oh yes, there will be blood".




Call me nuts, but I think I'm bring sexy back today.... just a feeling. Be jealous.




But Tyler... "Yes, inner Tyler" What's going on in the news today? Anything interesting? "Funny you should ask, Ahem": Did you know that 10-year-olds can give birth?




ST. ANTHONY, Idaho — A suspected illegal immigrant has been charged with raping a 10-year-old girl who later gave birth in eastern Idaho.
The girl gave birth less than two weeks ago by caesarian section at Madison Memorial Hospital in Rexburg, Fremont County Sheriff Ralph C. Davis and other authorities said. Officials would not disclose the gender, date of birth or paternity of the baby.
"I wouldn't have believed a 10-year-old could conceive in the first place," Davis said.
A hospital spokeswoman would not discuss the condition of the girl or the baby and would not say whether either was still in the hospital Wednesday.
The story was first reported by KIDK Television in Idaho Falls.
St. Anthony police began investigating on April 28 after medical officials reported a pregnant child, and Guadalupe Gutierrez-Juarez, 37, of St. Anthony, was arrested the same day, Police Chief James Smith said.
"We had good information from witnesses," Smith said.
In documents that were filed April 29 in 7th District Court and obtained by The Associated Press, Gutierrez-Juarez is charged with one count of rape. He remained in jail with bail set at $250,000 pending a preliminary hearing May 13. Authorities said Gutierrez-Juarez did not have legal documentation to live in the United States. His home town and nationality were not immediately clear, but police said they had received no complaints about him before investigating the pregnancy.
The investigation was continuing. Smith would not give details on the condition of the girl but said additional counts of rape could be filed.
"The prosecutor is still considering doing that," he said.
Prosecutor Karl H. Lewies did not return telephone calls Wednesday from The AP.
Child protection laws prohibit the Idaho Department of Health and Welfare from confirming whether the agency was contacted about the case, spokesman Tom Shanahan said.
"In a situation like that, we probably would be contacted by the hospital," Shanahan said. "If there was a crime committed we would be working with local law enforcement."
If the girl's home is found to be unsafe, a custody hearing would be held immediately and the courts would decide where to place her, Shanahan said.
"If they decide the child needs foster care, we would do that immediately," he said.
While a 10-year-old giving birth is highly unusual, it is not impossible, said Laurie Krieger, a medical anthropologist in Washington D.C.
"We do know that girls in the U.S. are menstruating sooner," a development which can speed up the production of sex hormones and make pregnancy possible earlier than might have been thought likely, Kreiger said.
Nutrition, body mass and other factors, including the fact that children in the United States weigh more than in past generations, contribute to early menstruation, she added.




If the reasoning behind Damone Miller's name change that I heard was correct, that's f*ckin' hysterical. I hope it's true. Randolph wouldn't lie.




So, yeah. Have a Happy Hersday everybody. See you at the Drafthouse... I think.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Wiseacres or Ri Ra

It's really not a decision for me. Did anyone notice that when Curt had his interview with DC4N, no one really told him what they think of the way he runs his shows. Perhaps because he openly addresses how unfair it is or perhaps because we've complained for so long that to say it one more time would be pointless. Instead, there was d*ck riding. A lot of d*ck riding, nothing wrong with that, perhaps everyone thought that he'd see a good comment and actually let them perform the next time they took that chance and drove out to his show. I commented but only to say that the interview was (I don't remember my exact words) wrong. I love Curt, plus I haven't performed at one of his spots in over a year, so I'm definitely not scared of offending him... ahem. He is one of the villians of this area. There, it's official. Keep in mind that none of this is out of spite or trash talk, because if it weren't for how he runs his rooms there would be no thoughts of how to run a better room. The area might be missing a lot of open mics cause all the comics that started them never started open mics. It's possible, but the funniest part of the interview to me was I immediately thought of what it would be like to interview Lex Luthor. Then like in TRL, people keep calling in and saying really nice things about his ambition, spirit, drive and all around good looks.... ???!?!!! Villain! I have no idea what made me write this a month and a half after the fact, but "That $#!ts real". Moving on...

Look at that picture of Lex, tell me that Curt doesn't start every roll call just like that. Busting out of a jacket of chains.... you know he does.
(insert random fact) Praises be to the Wolf. Day 3, still warm.


Arlington Cinema N' Drafthouse- May 21st- Competition- 5 comics- I think I'm one of them- Awesome night- Just go- NOW, well not right now but then.... I hate promoting.


I may have found the world's only honest lawyer. Michael Pignone, aka "the Mutha-f*ckin' Man". Just in case some one searches him I'll leave out a few details but imagine your craziest buddy who just happens to have passed the Bar.


Today was be a bit of a shorty, I had another long meeting so WORK is actually calling me. But I'll get back with you guys tomorrow.


Laters

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

All praise be to the Wolf....

That's right, I'm still not tired of it.


Allow me to run down a little story for you. I like to call it "45 minutes ago I had to go to the bathroom but was stuck in a committee meeting". I think the title sums it up pretty well. First, let me say that if you are a fan of spicy chicken, KFC is still carrying the HOT WINGS that I love. The cashier when I bought my bucket says that they're here to stay. I want to believe him, but.... God doesn't do things like that. Not to me. So, I ate a bunch of Wings and Mashed Potatoes (w/ GRAVY B*TCH) last night when I finally got home. By the way, apparently Cinco de Mayo is the killer of comedy. Now I'll actually remember that holiday for something cause before it was about as significant as Flag Day. (any comic that missed Chief Ike's f*cked up. Hot models, free Margaritas, comedy....bliss) Anyway, all the drinking, all the food and about 15 hours later what do you got? A serious $#!t. I went to the lavatory a bit earlier since I knew there was a meeting at 10. Apparently, the day had other plans. During the meeting, which consisted of 3 people and myself, my body gurgled non-stop. I began to glisten, the type of cold sweat that actually made me panic. "Am I gonna make it? Or am I gonna have to sprint out of the conference room and hunt down a $#!tter?" The look on my face told the story I'm sure. So, I sat there looking like a guy doing a Christopher Walken impersonation. Worst part is, when the meeting was finally over (about 45 minutes in) I swallowed it. I still haven't gone yet and that was about an hour ago. Woe is me.




Praise the wolf

Here is an interraction between Nick Turner (happy B-day) and I last night:

Tyler: Hey what's up? (gives dap)

Nick: Hey man (daps back, respect), I just touched my d*ck.

T:Well, I guess I should go wash my hands then.

That's when I went to the bathroom. Story over.



And now for some news:







(tell me he doesn't look like "The white Grinch who stole Christmas".... lie to me)


Scared prostitutes 'shunned Josef Fritzl' at brothel

A barman at a brothel frequented by Josef Fritzl, the Austrian man who imprisoned his own daughter in a dungeon under his house, has told how some of the prostitutes were so frightened by his perversions that they refused to accept him as a client.
He listed various extreme demands made by the retired electrical engineer, who liked to inflict pain on the women and asked them to act like corpses.
Christoph F, 38, worked at the Villa Ostende in Linz for six years and said that Mr Fritzl, a regular customer, was notorious for being "domineering" towards the staff. "Ninety-five per cent of the guests are entirely normal, 3 per cent are slightly ‘derailed’, but Fritzl belonged to the last 2 per cent of extreme perverts, who are surely mentally deranged," Mr F told the Oesterreich newspaper.
He said that some of the prostitutes would refuse to go upstairs with him – "which was extremely rare in this business" – because of demands including sadism and "demanding that a girl should pretend to be a corpse".
Prostitution is legal in Austria, and the Villa Ostende charges its customers €150 an hour. Most of the prostitutes come from Eastern Europe and change every few weeks.
The barman said that Mr Fritzl, who kept his daughter Elisabeth captive in the cellar of the family home for 24 years and fathered seven children by her, was a longstanding customer renowned for his meanness.
"I was working there for six years and Fritzl would come regularly. I will never forget his stinginess," he said. "If he would consume drinks for €97 and would pay with a €100 bill – he would demand the €3 back.
"At the bar he was domineering. If he liked a girl he would order champagne for her, but after a short while he would start behaving like a headmaster with pupils and say things like ‘Sit straight!’ or ‘Don’t speak nonsense!’. Such behaviour is unusual in sex clubs."
In the aftermath of the Fritzl case, the Austrian Parliament is to discuss the introduction of more severe punishments for sex offenders.
The Nationalrat will discuss the case tomorrow, when MPs will debate a motion on whether to change the law to introduce tougher penalties for rapists, as well as to allow criminal records to be kept for a longer period of time.
Despite the fact that Mr Fritzl had a previous conviction for rape he was allowed to adopt, or become the foster parent, of three of the children claiming he was their grandfather. This is because Austrian law sees files on convictions for sex offences removed from the records after ten to 15 years.
Mr Fritzl served 18 months in prison for raping a 24-year-old nurse in Linz in 1967, when he was 32, after he threatened to kill her and put a knife on her throat. The judge at the time allegedly pronounced what was considered a lenient sentence because Mr Fritzl had four children.
The proposals from politicians from across the political spectrum to be discussed tomorrow range from introducing chemical or physical castration as punishment for serial sex offenders – an idea coming from the far Right – to stepping up efforts to prevent sex crimes and providing psychological counselling for sex offenders.
A proposal of the far-Right party, Alliance for the Future of Austria, to introduce regular check-ups for children to determine whether they were sexually abused has been rejected as an "absurdity" by other parties.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Some people just want to watch the world burn...

Let me start by saying that I saw Iron Man on Friday night.... my God. Write this down, April 30 2010 is IRON MAN 2. Marvel announced it today as well as the next 4 movies: Thor (about 1 month after Iron Man 2), and in 2011 (nerds grab something) The First Avenger:Captain America, and lastly about a month after that The AVENGERS!!!! for those not familiar with the Avengers, that was not for you but to all my geeks the Avengers will be Captain America, Thor, The Incredible Hulk, Ant Man, Iron Man and Nick Fury. For those that did not go see Iron Man, Nick Fury is Samuel Mutha-F8ckin-Jackson!!!! Bring on 2011...

They ripped down that trailer from my last blog, but now the Dark Knight trailer is officially out there so ....



F*ck this heat. It was bright at 6 am, is this what we've done to the world? I really don't want to live in a world of "Forever Sun". F*ck the Sun. F*ck it to death. Praise be to the wolf.... cause he hates the Sun.


Watched 30 Days of night on Saturday. Actually loved that movie, and I am not one for vampire movies but that's good shiggity. All praise be to the wolf. It's getting funnier to me every time I say it.


Welcome Jermaine's, I mean the Fowlest, stankin' @ss back from Canada tomorrow. You know that n*gga ain't got no friends. Don't tell him I said that though. He's violent as $#!t, straight smacked me for no reason. Then couldn't even explain why he did it. Just disrespects for fun, cause he can. Praise the wolf.


My eyes are way too red in the mornings. No one ever asks me "You on that $#!t?" Do I not look like a smack addict?


Mondays are gayer than Little Richard. Oddly, I don't think I've ever heard any interviewer call him out. Same goes for Richard Simmons. Note to self: don't name your child Richard, seems to be popular among the gays. Must give the child a fighting chance. It's bad enough he'll be so damn pretty.


At some point I actually started to utilize e-mail. I think back now on times where I thought it was pointless. I'm reminded of my Grandmother writing a check several months ago. The line was long and I commented, "Why are you writing a check, this ain't 1975. Get a check card." Her only response was, I don't trust that. That's what it's like to fight technology, it'll turn you into a 70 year old black woman. Don't fight the future, all praises due to the wolf.


Do not trust men who wear short sleeved dress shirts. So it is written, so it shall come to pass. Quote the wolf, nevermore.


I'm gonna run this wolf thing into the ground before the day is out.


My pants are vibrating.... nope, phantom phone vibration.


Nelson came up with a brilliant new way of playing rock, paper, scissors. 1,2,3,... punch them in the face meat. You always win. It's a game built on being proactive. Now you have the tools, go make a sandwich. The wolf like PB & Janks.


I'm gonna go since I've run out of wolf-liners.


Wolfem Salam to my Muslim brothers


Laters

Friday, May 02, 2008

New Dark Knight Trailer!!!!!!!!


Life is full of surprises. Today I made it to work in record time and was very early. My terrible 5Up3rv!50r must have been surprised. I'll see you guys on Monday or this weekend! Below is a treat called "Sitting Ducks Trailer".... I would recommend that "anyone who wants to see the new Dark Knight trailer, yes the quality sucks, should watch and DROOL". Heath Ledger is KING!!!
WhY sO sErIoUs?!!



Laters

Thursday, May 01, 2008

"This town deserves a better class of criminal, and I'm going to give it one" - the Joker

If you have yet to see the new Dark Knight trailer, then I understand if you're not excited for no apparent reason this Hersday. A lot more Joker, more Harvey Dent (yes, you see him as Two-Face but you don't see the disfigurement) and even some interesting Batman sequences. Even before Heath Ledger died, it had to be a little upsetting that no one gives a $#!t about Batman right now. Show me lots of Joker and make Two-Face interesting, then toss in some street vengenace. That'll do pig, that'll do.

I smoke a lot less than people(ahem, Erin) think, mostly cause I don't want to smell like cigarettes at work. This is almost undone since Kevin, the roommate I work with, likes to chainsmoke on our way to work or if we ever go out for lunch. I've been trying to figure out what stinks in my desk for hours. Can't sniff too loud or some one might get suspicious: "Wonder what stinks over at that guy's desk? That d*ck should shower before he gets here." And, that is exactly what I hoped wasn't the case. Cause I actually woke up and took one instead of taking one before beddy by. It's my bag for work. It's got a nasty smokey funk to it. Time for a bag shower when I get back cause.... it's kinda grossing me out. Next time he starts to light a cigarette in the car, I'm gonna start to smoke crack. "What are you doing?! is that CRACK?!!" Yeah, I just don't want to wear your cigarettes as cologne anymore so I gotta mask the smell with something. Crack's got a minty smell to it.... or you could smoke less while I'm trapped in this car with you.

While my supervisor was going over some things with me this morning, I began to think of a lot of things that make me happy. My eyes started to water up, in a happy way, and then I realized that she was looking right at me while I zoned off into my happy place. Awkward.

Is there anything worse than finding out that every flirtacious woman you speak to at work is married? Yeah, walking around with forever-blue baLLs. But that could never happen, the first one actually happens to me all the time. All the time.... whores.

We are now 18 days removed from Malcolm X's birthday!!!!!! oh yeah, it's mine too.

This is a little diddy that some of you might remember:

Blue streak speeds by
Sonic the Hedgehog
Too fast for the naked eye
Sonic the Hedgehog
Sonic
, he can really move
Sonic, he's got an attitude
Sonic, he's the fastest thing alive
Look out when he storms through
Sonic the Hedgehog
Don't doubt what he can do
Sonic the Hedgehog
Sonic, he can really move
Sonic, he's got an attitude
Sonic, he's the fastest thing alive
He's the fastest thing alive
He's the fastest thing alive

About Me

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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