The F**k is you doin'?

Since when the f*ck did people not like spam

Is it cause that S#it comes in a can

While some muhf*ckas is out getting a tan

I bump the Pussycat Dolls song wit Will.I.am

Blam Blam went the hamma while you was steady cruisin'

Muhf*ckas is slippin'

"The F**k is you doin?"

Fruit Loops is cool, but I really f**cks wit Lucky

Cause the first time I ate them S#its the purple horseshoes touched me

When the McGriddle hit the scene I was like "Dat' my S#it!"

But the new Breakfast Burrito makes me wanna be sick

Mad rhyme spitta wit the illest kicks you ever seen

Stacy Adams S#it wit tha 3 piece

Dat Muhf*ckas clean

Cause the way I pass out office memos has got h0e$ steady trippin'

Wit a turtleneck in A/C, "The F**k is you doin?"

The Fowlest in the place, damn a Jermaine

If you think he don't know you betta ask him bout my CANDY RAIN

Nah I don't want ya'll to kiss the rings, cause I left'em on the table

but I'll be happy to let you stand in line of Muhf*ckas tastin' the rainbow

I rappin' wit no voice so most of this S#it is ruined

but if you ain't chuckled a little at non of this non-sens muhf*cka

"What the f**k is you doin?!"

That was retarded but I'm bored and it's one day away from the weekend. That was for Mike Way and the rest of the Souljas out there. I think that's more slang than I've ever used my life and you know what... it feels phenomenal. But not really though.

I'm trying an experiment where unless absolutely necessary I don't speak. I went through a weekend before Christmas where I didn't speak at all and it was interesting. Gives you time to collect your thoughts, and I definitely need to write more. Well I'm gonna swig on my orange juice so, you know.... Laters

F_____!

Well, yesterday was eye opening.... that is all I can say. But here is the tape I was so excited about I hope you like it. I do

http://www.veoh.com/videos/v25210555mafZfpe

Hello Richmond, I just can't stay away

Is there anything finer than a good ol' fashioned Tuesday. Nope, cause they're full of all kinds of personality. But, I regret to say that I haven't got a whole lot to say today. Wish me luck tonight cause "The GREAT" Bird Knight will be at the Clash this month and since it's gonna be on Comcast OnDemand I really want to do well. I guess placing would be sweet too. And I finally get my new DVD from Odyssey, "S#it YEAH!" 20 mins. of awkward stares in a packed FunnyBone, but people were laughing at the stares and that's why I can't wait to get it. Believe that tomorrow(Thursday by the latest) I will have a link to that or hopefully it will be embedded. Well, I'm off then but man, so much can happen in 24 hours I can't wait to see what I tomorrow brings.... Laters

"Who wipes standing up?!"

Welcome back to another week in: (drum roll please) ..... Life :( But have no fear, the weekend can't be more than 8 or 9 days away, so there is hope. I hope that you all had a great weekend, Lord knows I did. Granted I saw most of you on Saturday night anyway, but let's pretend shall we. I got to sit on my butt on Saturday, but Sunday was one of those days where you have all types of things to take care of. The only one that I didn't mind doing was picking up my dog Max from the groomer and seeing what a sex-ified beast he is. Ah, to be young, furry, and F***in sexy. For those that are wondering, yes I'm still listening to Lupe Fiasco's The Cool everyday all day... I'm not joking. It is rare that we find an album like this and the last time I think I had this love was for T.I.'s Urban Legend. Ah, 2003... what a piece of $#*t year that was for me. Let's not reminisce anymore, most of my memories aren't that great.

"What the hell does that title mean?" Well I'm glad you asked random(comic) reader, apparently a good majority of the public is sitting while they wipe their behind. Call me nuts but for some things I believe you need to get up on your feet. I don't want to be gross but you're missing something if you don't stand up and get on at least one set of your tippy toes. Somebody comment and prove that I know what I'm talking about. I don't know how it came up but first Nelson said that he sits, then my friend Nate, then Kevin, then Leah, and so far I have yet to find someone that stands up like a homosapien. That's bush league folks. Someone even called me a child for standing... the audacity. Now yes, maybe this stand up habit developed cause as a child it was the only way to keep from Sh__ty draws(and keeping my mother from throwing them at me and screaming "Why can't you wipe your A$$!") but now it's just necessary. I could go on all day but I'll end it on this, a man could just pull really hard and get a condom on(God that would hurt, if it didn't break) but instead he rolls... he rolls. I'm just saying sometimes taking a few more seconds to do something get pretty orgasmic results. The Fowlest knows what I mean.

Yes, the Spy Lounge is still alive...

Tomorrow is Richmond Funnybone time. I have been rocking my own mixture of peach fuzz/facial hair because superstition has lead me to believe it helps me not bomb, but it's gonna be on TV. I really don't wanna look like a bum on Comcast, but I want the set to go well more than I care what I look like. You know what? I think I know what I'm gonna do.... Flash Cards. They help everything!

I recently had to make a call to someone who had a GOOD 3 minutes of shout outs, random slang, F__ck offs, guttural sounds, and lastly(I swear) a bit of prayer.... clearly there are no employers that just interviewed them getting ready to call. I keep thinking how funny it would be to change my voicemail to that for a while, but I don't want people thinking TRich has been kidnapped. Plus, my momma raise me better than that.

(I took a long break to run down to the store and pick up some snackies)

And what did I get you ask? A BIG ASS BAG O' JERKY!... and pink lemonade. My jaw kinda hurts but what would you go through for some good jerky right now? Would you kill... yeah you would. Bless you jerky, bless your delicious smoky ways and how you always vote Democrat. Go Obama!

Laters

C'mon Tuesday!!!! I'm anxious

I'm busy working/blasting my resume to random sections in my building... Enjoy this weekend and here is a little slice of heaven to think of me by til the Lizard on Saturday.

Laters,

TRich(kisses.... from you luva)

Fresh off a cops @$$

Well... I'm back at work now and it feels phenomenal. As always it was too cool being in Richmond and hanging with the comics and staff over at the FunnyBone. Good friends, good laughter, and more importantly there was laughter. There were a few moments of usual TRichardson awkwardness though, here is one of the few pearls that I picked up in the past couple of years. "Thou shalt not besmirch the name of the club you are in if you expect to get work there"- Jesus Christ Why that needs to be said is a mystery to me, but apparently some people can get caught in the moment and let their heart speak before they've really thought through their surroundings. I found myself in the middle of another comic's nightmare last night and while I sympathize, I don't want to be connected to that type of conversation. Especially with how nice everyone has treated me down there. Example:

Angry guy: This place ain't $hit!

Me: huh?

A: I'd rather work at ____!

Me:(eyes darting around) This place is cool man, every one's great

A: Nah man, they ain't kissed the rings yet (I'm improvising but I probably would have laughed had he used that one)

Me: Eventually....

A: F___ that! Look who they pay attention to.

Me: (This was the moment where I kind of shut up cause that sounds like a thought that all comics have but almost none speak... c'mon be real) .... ummm.

A: See what I'm talking about.

Me: I'm gonna go grab a beer.

What's important to see here was that my alcoholism helped me out of a jam. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to stop drinking(though I have calmed down quite a bit), and you know what? It makes me sad, so I don't. Seriously though, I saw the same comic, who was a great guy aside from this stuff, go through one of those nights where he was really looking for something positive in what appeared to be a sea of s__t. Hopefully I'll run into him again soon and he'll be happier. If not for the fact that someone finally paid him his due, than the fact that he's so determined no one can get him down.

Does the fact that Best Buy sells Fritz the Cat bother anyone or seem even remotely wrong. You know they sell Barney less than two aisles away?

I must be the black person in the world that thinks roller skating is crap. I'd much rather go ice skating cause it's cool and peaceful, but I'm getting the impression that we're supposed to want to dance and backflip and things while "we" skate. What type of s___ is that?! Damn Lil Bow Wow and his Roll Bounce...

I actually watched some Late Night talk shows when I got home last night. Here is what I found:

1. Loved the bearded look on David Letterman



2. Almost as much as I dug the HOBO beard on Conan



3. I'm glad that Leno kept it clean, cause that's a lot of beard to cover all that face



4. Jimmy Kimmel seemed as though the term "improv" was just thrust upon him yesterday



5. Conan seemed like the funniest one even though he didn't have his writers



6. Is it necessary to bring up the obvious all the time? Comparison: Comic- "Sorry that joke was new"(or any different way of saying it) Talk Show Host- "______ cause we have no writers"(or any of the one million ways they ALL kept bringing it up)



7. Going back to number 6, until I get conformation that they aren't saying "Writers" once every two sentences, I can live without you Conan



8. Anyone notice Chingy was on Leno? Where the ____ did he come from? I know where he/his career went, down the sh___er but I was shocked he's still making songs

By the way, we're gonna call the fat guy in the picture "Benny the fat girl slayer" ..... so.... yep.

Well I guess it's time for me to be hitting the ol' dust trail.... Laters

Off and flyin'

Okay so, how to start a new year of blogs?.... How bout a picture of something that is easily as creepy as it is likable? Yeah. What is it about old people that captures our attention, and still makes us never want to be one? Hmmmm...





I'm headed down the road again to what I might as well refer to as my home club, the Funnybone. Here's a breakdown of the "Show of Shows Showcase", it all starts out with a face-off between Big Al Goodwin and an ogre. Al, being the good side of the battle, will take all all of the silver from the audience to weild together a sword mighty enough to shave Christ. I've seen the conceptual drawings of this sword and I can sum it up with one phrase, "That's a bad muthaF@ckin SWORD!" Then I will come out accompanied by Jessie and Ryan (Richmond comics) and we will begin a juggling act that will allow folks to laugh a bit and ease the tension of the showdown that waits ahead. I'm certain that Al's trainers Nick Cantone and Odyysey Michaels will be somewhere around and if we're lucky enough maybe they'll bless us with a rouse or two. By the way, in case something goes wrong(F@ckin ogres and their stupid unions) we we be putting on a showcase of stand up comedy. Defintely going to be a blast and who knows, TRich might even get some chuckles.... hurray for that. And it's one more time up on that stage before the Clash next Tuesday, which will be on Comcast. 2008, you're my hero.




Ever had the feeling that someone was standing behind you in your cubicle but when you turn around there was nothing? I just got that, but I feel like they could have been there for a long time. Creepy.




I have now joined the club of guys who spend time( New Year's Eve) with extremely hot women and then don't sleep with one. It made me so sick to think about the next day that I had to eat a lot of Honey Baked Ham to put it to the back of my mind. Pathetic, but hey there's always Ramadan(or whatever holiday it is when random big brea$ted women come on to little funny guys)... right?




Something about just getting my hair cut makes the song "Staying Alive" play everywhere I go now. At first I thought it was cause of the movie Saturday Night Fever, but I remembered that I never sat down to see that movie, even though that white suit Travolta had on was HURT FOLKS! I realised why the music was playing though, it's cause "I'm dead f@ckin sexy" Mmmm, that's nice. (I know that last couple of sentences were weird, but it's been a long time since we've sat down and chatted. I've forgotten what conversation interests you, so I'm going straight from the heart.)



Wow, I sure didn't have a whole lot to talk about today, I guess it's cause I'm so busy living... that can't last forever though right? But here is a word to the wise in case you have to show up at the office before anyone else is actually there, bring a pair of those glasses with pupils painted on the lens. They make getting caught more of a joke and less of a serious matter. Just giving a heads up.



Don't worry though, I'm sure there be a lot more non sense-ory to come. Laters

All Fro'd the F*ck out!

Well, here we are.... it's so close to the new year I can hardly stand it. I felt like going into 2007, it was gonna be a great year. I think I was right, I accomplished a lot of things that I wanted to and set new goals while doing so. I'm sure that we all did, and hopefully you've done most( preferably all) of the things that you set out to do this year. In comedy or in life. Let's roll through some things that were interesting to me in this thing we call 2007:

1. Lost at the DC Improv to Jason Weems(I don't feel too bad about that, but I didn't place... that sucked)



2. Got a career, left being a car salesman behind me



3. Moved out from the neighborhood across the street from my ex



4. Discovered Guitar Hero 2 then 3 then ROCK BAND!



5. Met John X



6. Bought my own iPod( up til' this summer, I was using Nelson's)



7. Slept outside in Times Square with the Fowlest and Keith



8. Saw Hampton win at the Improv



9. Jake Young and Jermaine won too!



10. Saw Rob's "Pimp" pad, nicely done Mr. Maher



11. Had the biggest slice of pizza I'd never dreamed of



12. Got a both feet in the door at the Richmond Funnybone (finally)



13. Bought and guzzled Absinthe.... all hail the green fairy



14. Fell in love with Heath Ledger's version of the Joker



15. Fell in love with Tyler Richardson



16. Started an open mic (I'm so lazy that's something I never saw happening)



17. Got a great tape on stage (still waiting to see it, but the show was bananas so... fingers crossed)



18. Put on Tyler vs. Tyler... finally



19. Went on XM Radio



20. Went to a wedding for the first time and was a groomsman for one of my closest friends



21. Spent a weekend gambling for the bachelor party



22. Hustled the hell out of colleges and got some work for it



23. Saw Rory on Live at Gotham with Herbie



24. Made a few enemies here and there



25. No one that I knew died



26. Met Charlie Rutherford, the strangest man on the planet



27. Picked up a couple of friendships that I thought were done, but were most important

I bring these up to make you reflect on what you accomplished in 2007. I bet there are some things that happened that you you'd be very proud of that might slip your mind. Take a second and reflect, you might not have believed some of the things you did would be possible. So...

WHAT THE F@CK IS GONNA HAPPEN IN 2008?!

May you all have a Merry Christmas!!!!

Please be safe, love you're family, friends,
neighbors, or whoever is important in your life.

Merry Christmas everyone!

I found out I have feelings yesterday...

As I was about to go to lunch yesterday I was shocked to find out that Ciara(work buddy I normally roll with) was having lunch with her sister and a friend. Normally that wouldn't be a problem, cause I'd just roll with. But, they had decided on eating at some NOODLE house and damned if I'm gonna give up a perfectly good lunch for that jive. So, I turn to Charlie, who is broke and says "nah, I'm good. I'll stay at my desk." I'm not about to eat at my desk when there are all these women running around downstairs, so I turn to Amy and ask what plans are. She says that she and Ann are going to Five Guys, I say "I'm in!"... this is where it gets dark for our hero folks. She fired back with "Who said you were invited?!" and all I could do was pause and walk back to my seat. I eat with them everyday, so I never expected that. I was kinda crushed, I must say. I sat down and told myself that I just wouldn't eat today and then got really angry at the fact I even cared. So while I sped through what was left of my work, I could only focus on how soft I've gone. I used to take great pleasure in what an @ssh0le I was, and look at me now... happy. Well, the story ends with the fact that I missed Amy saying she was just joking and everyone coming over and laughing at how visibly angry I was. For those that are curious as to what I had at Five Guys, I had a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger with Regular fries and about 4 refills of Sprite w/ Fruit punch mixed in. I just felt like knowing my order would really bring that whole story home.... moving on then.

If you don't have Lupe Fiasco's The Cool, "What the F@ck is you doin'?!!" Don't take my word for it, every review says basically the same thing:

"Hits like crack, but you won't wake up in your own urine" - Entertainment Tonight

"That Ni99a's Fire son" - President George W. Bush

"The last time my homeboy put me on to something that vicious, I caught the clap"- Jermaine Fowler

"I could be gay for him"- (requested to remain anonymous)

"Make Kanye's Graduation look like a Diddy album!"- Diddy

and it just goes on and on(truthfully I could have done that 30-40 more times but wanted to spare you guys)

I keep getting Christmas cards from people at work, but I'm not giving any. That's really all there is to that but it makes me feel a little bad... but either way I'm not spending a dime on someone that I work with. Remember, they are the enemy...

Interestingly enough, as I began to "mack" a female at work the has vitiligo, there was an interesting story on a broadcaster that has the same affliction. Luckily, she is pretty much without pigment so it's not a spots thing, she's just black with out being black anywhere. But the freckles still look good though. Here is the story: http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/2007-12-16-vitiligo_N.htm?imw=Y

Well, I'll try to come up with something good for tomorrow but until then

Laters....

Hi Erin, 143

I just wanted her to know. But let's carry on with the Christmas spirit shall we. Ahem....

I've got a Golden Ticket!
I NEVER THOUGHT MY LIFE COULD BE

ANYTHING BUT CATASTROPHE

BUT SUDDENLY I BEGIN TO SEE A BIT OF GOOD LUCK FOR ME

'CAUSE I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET

I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TWINKLE IN MY EYE

I NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO SHINE NEVER A HAPPY SONG TO SING

BUT SUDDENLY HALF THE WORLD IS MINE WHAT AN AMAZING THING

'CAUSE I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET

I'VE GOT A GOLDEN SUN UP IN THE SKY

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THE DAY WHEN I WOULD FACE THE WORLD AND SAY GOOD MORNING, LOOK AT THE SUN!

I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD BE SLAP IN THE LAP OF LUXURY

'CAUSE I'D HAVE SAID IT COULDN'T BE DONE BUT IT CAN BE DONE

I NEVER DREAMED THAT I WOULD CLIMB OVER THE MOON IN ECSTASY

BUT NEVERTHELESS IT'S THERE THAT I'M SHORTLY ABOUT TO BE

'CAUSE I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET I'VE GOT A GOLDEN CHANCE TO MAKE MY WAY AND WITH A GOLDEN TICKET IT'S A GOLDEN DAY

'CAUSE I'D HAVE SAID, "IT COULDN'T BE DONE"

BUT IT CAN BE DONE

I NEVER DREAMED THAT I WOULD CLIMB OVER THE MOON IN ECSTASY

BUT NEVERTHELESS IT'S THERE THAT I'M SHORTLY ABOUT TO BE

'CAUSE I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET

I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET

I'VE GOT A GOLDEN CHANCE TO MAKE MY WAY

AND WITH A GOLDEN TICKET IT'S A

GOLDEN DAY !

LaTeRs!!!!!!!!!!

Why so serious?

And here we are smack dab in the middle of a boring A$$ Tuesday morning... Uggg! It was so cold this morning that I couldn't move, plus I had no time to heat up the car so I was literally driving down the road in a giant ice block for a few miles. And then I hit the B!+ch that we call interstate traffic.... Uggg! And of course there was no dead body for me at the end of that yellow brick road. And someone had the audacity to judge me this morning for wishing to see a corpse at the end of the rainbow. I'm only human aren't I? Then she beat me to work and she left home 45 minutes after me! Uggg! But let us move along folks...

Yesterday I pulled such an a-holeish move that even I had to look back in (almost)shame and say "damn, that was a D**k move". Here is why: A few people from my section and I wanted to order some pizza(and of course it was from Pizza Hut, I'm American dammit). We asked Mr. Rutherford if he would like to get down on some with us, his reply was "not hungry"which we all knew was a front for being broke. Cause Lord knows he lets the world know his troubles. Now, I don't feel the least bit of sympathy for him cause when you ask a woman with two children AND a child of yours (that's 3 folks) you take a risk (at 24 years old) you might be a little strapped for cash. I think I'd rather commit suicide than have three kids at my age. Well they all felt bad(cause they're females) and saved almost a whole pizza for him after lunch. I went to my cuby which isn't too far from Mr. 3 kids, and heard him turn down the pizza they offered him about 3 or 4 times. It was at that point that I thought of my two roommates and did what I hoped they would do in my position. I stood up and snatched that pizza without hesitation, "You ain't got to ask me twice" and that was that. I did get a heart, since it's Christmas, and offered it to him later in the day before I left... he still turned it down. But, a couple of the females came over and said he was getting ready to say yes right before the snatch. It wasn't until I was at home later that night and eating one of the slices, alone, that I replayed the scene and laughed at what a cold move that was. Oh well, I never claimed to be anything more than an A$$hole. My momma loves me though.

I'm glad to see that so many people are taking advantage of the Dark Knight trailer from yesterday, they should... behold true beauty. Well, I better get working... Laters

The Dark Knight Trailer

Here is a your link for the official The Dark Knight Trailer:
http://www.atasteforthetheatrical.com/deathtrap/default.htm

What can you say about that trailer that isn't summed up perfectly in this fan boy's(like I'm not one) observations:

Here are a few observations from a guy who is far too obsessed with every little thing about this film. - Bale sitting in his office, unmasked but wearing the batsuit. Interesting shot of Wayne deep in thought. He appears to be in a big office or apartment in the Wayne building, rather than his home. - Batman on the roof. Appears to be holding his head. Behind him seem to be some giant antennas. Has Batman hacked into some radio frequencies, holding an earpiece in - listening in on Joker's plans, or corrupt cops? - "Like me" shot of the Joker. Probably the same scene as the "hit me!" bat-cycle scene later in the trailer, but it looks like Main St and it's deserted. Have the people of Gotham fled from Joker's anarchy? - Joker's voice and laugh - Seriously, Ledger has NAILED this character. If only they gave awards to superhero films... - Joker's knives - Quite emphasised in a lot of the promotional material. We've seen him hold a knife on Rachel Dawes, threaten to carve smiles into people, he's holding one on the new poster and now his pockets are FILLED with knives. He also tosses a knife from one hand to the other later in the trailer. Looks like Joker's got some knife-play skill. - Joker hanging out of a window letting his hair blow in the breeze - I've never been arrested, but I'm pretty sure cops would frown upon that. Joker's gone and stolen a cop car, and if the Grand Theft Auto games have taught us anything, that's a trademark of a true bad ass. - Joker firing the bazooka - I ****ing love Joker's reaction after firing it, how he responds to the actual power of it. It's like he's surprised at how powerful a bazooka is, as if he just picked it up and fired it without thinking about the consequences, then thought "holy ****" after he'd already done the damage. It's like Joker's complete lack of interest in consequences wrapped up into three frames of footage. - Gotta love the Batmobile storage room. Certainly beats a dank little cave. - The shot that I consider the gem of my over-analytical madness - Why the hell is Gordon taking an axe to the Bat-symbol?! When I saw the ****ty version of the trailer, I assumed it was Joker or his men destroying it, but why would Gordon take out the light that calls for Gotham's hero, and the guy he befriended in Begins? - Joker's tendency to lick his lips is such an effective little quirk to illustrate that he's nuts. Just the way he does it is strangely unsettling. Likewise is the shot of him maniacally laughing as he appears to be driving in a game of chicken, again doing something purely for the destruction and chaos of it, probably putting himself at risk and not caring. Joker also has both the quiet kind of madness - the slow clap from his cell, and that first, creepy close-up - as well as the loud, angry, utterly mental self-destructiveness. I'm truly loving every little thing I see from the character. I think, if I'm going to have a complaint about Dark Knight, it'll be "not enough Joker", because this interpretation of the character is so appealing and fun to watch that I suspect that I'm going to want him on screen as much as possible. Best of luck to Aaron Eckhart in having to live up to this standard as Two Face, especially if he's going to carry over to the third film and Joker isn't. That scenario surely couldn't bode well for him, and I thought Thank You For Smoking was gold. But Ledger's Joker is in a field of it's own. I'm a full-fledged Joker fan boy at this point.

In my comedy news, I should point out that I'll be taped for Comcast on demand on Jan. 8th for the Clash of the Comics at the Richmond Funnybone. Sunday was cool up there, Cowboy Bill Martin and Drake were both very cool and personable. And, just in case he reads, "Jessie throws a bad muthaf***in partay. Though the weekend seemed to go by in a blink I had more fun than a barrel full of monkeys! All I need now is some strange... Laters

"Angel with Wings"?!

And this is a story that is near and dear to my heart. Not so much because the freakazoid kid had the "wing" on her back, but because her parents let her live with that until she was 11 before they had it cut the F#ck off. The surgery was successful though so no worries, now she can have the normal life that she always dreamed of while high fiving herself in her room... alone and friendless. Uggg, would you look at that thing. Who gets to keep the arm is what I'm wondering. Cause that would make a interesting backscratcher... not so much for the back scratching but it's a conversation piece :) One last thing, since it's not a part of her or anything, is it wrong to fry that thing up? That's drumstick would be one in a million, but then again it is Chinese food so...

After playing Rock Band last night my right side is tight as a drum. It's kind of pathetic but at the same time that is a hell of a workout for an otherwise lazy man. Still on medium though, when I get to expert you can expect to see a picture of a drenched, crazy man who is wailing on some video game drum sets.

Do you take gifts from your enemies at Christmas time? That's one of the hardest parts of this joyous time of year. Do we accept crap from co-workers that mean less than sh!t to us? Nah

I guess it makes me predictable that every morning before I can speak what I want, the man who prepares meals in the cafeteria begins to cook two scrambled eggs. Yet at the same time I love the fact that he noticed. I feel like V.I.P., without even having to be a whore. Hooray!

No gifts to buy.... life is beautiful right now. (breathes a sigh of joy, somewhere there is a man who is stressed about his life, money, women, anything... TRich doesn't have any of that right now. His biggest concern is whether he will use the restroom at work since the lasagna is working on his stomach right now. Ah, to be young)

Laters people enjoy your Thursday!

The Underdog!

Well it's Wednesday again, the whore of the week since it's so anxious to be noticed but in the end we still don't respect it. Am I right? I might be... but if they put The Office on Wed. nights... AH! A reason to love them at last, now if this strike would just end.

A Christmas Wish List(from a grown man):

-9 more hours of leave, it can be annual or sick

-A high score in Rock Band that is worthy of a picture while Nelson strikes a GANGSTA pose

-A hug from my mom (yeah it's soft, but that's my mommy)

-The price of 87 octane to slip below $2.39

-Snow

-1 person that I don't like to drop dead

-50 cent to come by my office on Dec. 27th and throw cash at me while I work

-Crouch Deodorant, so no matter when or where, you're confident

-A beard to appear on my face on Christmas morning

-A few comedy groupies

-A good comedy video that won't embarrass me to show some one

-An iPhone that will work with T-Mobile, they exist but I want this one to be free

-My dog to develop super powers that way he can save me one day

-A bad ass trench coat!

-Miller Lite

-To catch a Leprechaun, and wish for Miller Lite... or buy some with gold

-The ghost of Dr. Seuss to come back and write one more classic... maybe a sequel to "Oh the thinks you can think"

-And P***Y!

"Ask Mike Huckabee about his tax plan and he'll talk about pimps and prostitutes"-Mike Huckabee

I'm not a fan of his, but I do like his commitment to honesty. His stance that isolating people with AIDS was cute too, but he backpedaled and apologized... wuss.

What's a great way to start the day? Superbad. Get's the blood going, and the cafeteria downstairs had Scrawberries(Strawberries for those who are lame) and that always spells a good day. But, I did forget my Chuck's at home. So since I have to stop there instead of driving straight to Richmond, I guess they cancel each other out. Dammit.

I was truly touched by the people that called my phone and either left texts or voicemail with concern. Nothing would have felt worse than getting my phone and only having 2 messages or something. I was touched, my friends and family all made me feel loved. But, apparently unless you live with me you wouldn't know I was dead when I do die. I gotta give my e-mail address out more I guess. They knew I was alive. Again, I love all of you that showed love. TRich cares.

How many people does it take to get a mic working for our open mic? No one knows cause a combination of at least 10 people taking a look at/tinkering with the mic couldn't get it done. Since I was a part of that tribe I feel like sometimes you just meet a mic that has more brains than you do. But there are stupider mics out there and we'll make those ones do what we want. Vengeance will be mine...

A man on Elliot in the morning called in with a story that shook me to the core. He told a story of being at a hockey game with his cousin, the story ended with fight. The problem was that he antagonized some guy into violence but didn't mention that his cousin was a state trooper. So the guy hits his cousin and off to jail we go. Since state troopers are always on call(or duty, whatever), that was a huge offense that landed him in the clink for..... drum roll please... 8, 8, 8 f@ckin years! How does that guy sleep at night?! He laughed at the end of his story, and all I thought about was the Devil laughing and holding his belly while poking some young sinner. What is wrong with our generation? :(

Well my scrawberries are just about gone so I guess I better get to work. Be good, the week is almost over. Laters

Am I dead?

It's been a week and I'm very relieved that today.... I get my phone back! Crazy week it has been. Monday- great showing from all you comics at the Spy Lounge, I hope we take advantage of these new rooms before they come down. Tuesday- Had a great time at the Funnybone, they like me, they really like me. There were several dates with MJ.... if you know me then put that sentence together. Went shopping for Tyler Richardson. I bought him a lot of clothes and because I dig that guy, I got him ROCK BAND! That kid deserves it.

Tomorrow it's back to the Funnybone cause there is gonna be a great show with Big Al Goodwin, Nick Cantone, Ray Bullock, Odyssey Michaels and.... wait, who the f@ck is Tyler Richardson? Oh well, he'll be there too I guess. If you're not doing anything on Sunday, I'll be back then too. I'm trying to make a habit out of performing here. We'll just see how that goes...

Today I finally bought a bottle of absinthe. Might I say that I am excited, but it sucks that I can't drink any of it until Thursday at the earliest, but don't some things deserve weekend exclusivity? Yep. I've even got that cool spoon on the back of the box.... "Hello Eurotrip!" I'm gonna kiss the green fairy everybody. By the way, if you don't know what it is, the look it up: http://www.wikipedia.com/

I wore a new Perry Ellis sweater for the first time and dare I say, I looked GOOD. That's all, sorry to be random Tony.

I'll talk to you on Wednesday, enjoy yourself and remember.... uh.. I got nothin'

Laters

"Dude, this is not the way to the bar..."

So, Tuesday was cool, thanks again to the whole Funnybone crew for always making people feel right at home. Keith Irwin was there.... I hate you Keith, I kid(or do I secretly hate him? hmmmm...)

I am on day 3 without my cell phone now and life is silent, something is weird about not having a phone on you. Aside from the fact that if something that is even remotely an emergency, I just have to pray for a pay phone to be close by. I hate you Eli! I kid( or do I secretly hate Eli too? hmmm...) So let's take a trip down the road that people call "I'm F@cking LOST with NO cellphone!" Ahem:

1) Woke up early Wednesday since I had to drive back from Richmond and didn't want to sleep in on accident.

2) Hopped on the road and jumped into traffic, wasn't that bad at first...

3) Got to I-495 and saw a parking lot that spiraled into (what looked like) the sky :(

4) Decided that I'm never going to make it to work if I sit in that S#it... let's be smart about this.

5) Jump on I-395 and travel(without traffic) up towards the Pentagon... I know there is a way to cut over to Vienna from that area, but I'm looking for route 50 when I should have been looking for route 27... Uggg

6) Have to fill up my tank, I thought I could make it to work before I knew this would turn into such and adventure in babysitting.

7) Got a little lost in Alexandria, apparently they like to hide their gas station from the world a little bit. It's like a secret that only Alexandrians know of, so they can laugh when outsiders get stranded on the side of the road.

8) Back on the road again. Decide to go to Marymount cause I "think" remember how to get to work from there... I didn't

9) Lost. Now I'm in some suburb of Fairfax county and am physically exhausted by this point. I don't think I've ever sweared so much in my entire life. I found myself lost around Langley, and I don't work for the CIA.

10) I pulled over at a McDonald's and asked for directions, cause at this point I'm going 2 1/2 hours late. I kind Rastafarian tells me the wrong directions to get to route 123, I find that he put me in the opposite direction so after a little reverse action, I'm finally headed to work again.

11) Did I mention that I couldn't call and explain any of this to my boss, I'm just praying that they'll be as cool as they always are.

12) I make it to work and pulled the best "carskate" into a parking spot you've ever seen. I lost complete control and slide (with an audience) right into a PRIMO parking spot. Thank you, thank you.

That was my yesterday... I got to work around 11. I start at 8.

Hope you like the picture from Speed Racer that is above. Laters...

I believe in Santa Claus

Last night was certainly very cool. I dug everybody coming out and hope they continue to take advantage of what could be a great open mic for us all to hump into submission. So Kudos, let's do it again... shall we.

I woke up two hours early today, I wish I could die...Ugggggggggggggg!

Never let anyone use your cell phone ever. Because there is always a chance that you will forget about them holding it, then realize this after you're already too far to get it back. I feel so naked without my baby. But, on the positive side(cause there has to be one), it will allow me to truly be alone for awhile. I got a little drive-y-poo down to Richmond and nothing will be more fun that sitting in silence and watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia instead of being knee deep in some conversation. Yep.... though that reminds me that I gotta stop procrastinating on putting Frisky Dingo on my iPod. If you don't know what that is, google that S#it.

Finally introduced myself to a female that I've had many (way too) long stares with. I decided, let's play the strong silent type. And you know what? It feels phenomenal. Pimp Pimp Hooray!

If Haywood's laugh isn't invisible crack, then what is? Almost makes me wish I wasn't born a tenor, cause everyone could use a little Haywood in their voice... ladies back me up. But, for what I lack in the base in my voice, I make up for in rhythm. Who can Charleston like TRich?!

In the holiday spirit, allow me to give a little Christmas cheer:

I believe in Santa Claus

Like I believe in love

I believe in Santa Claus

And everything he does

There's no question in my mind

That he does exist

Just like love I know he's there

Waiting to be missed

I believe in Santa Claus

But there was a time

I thought I had grown to old

For such a childish rhyme

He became a dream to me

Till one Christmas night

Someone stood beside my bed

With a beard of white

"So you're too old for Santa Claus"?

He said with a smile

Then you're too old for all the things

That make a life worth while

For what is happiness but dreams and do they all come true

Look at me and tell me, son

What is real to you?

Just believe in Santa Claus

Like you believe in love

Just believe in Santa Claus

And everything he does

Wipe that question from your mind

Yes, he does exist!

Just like love you knows he's there

Waiting to be missed

Just like love I know he's there

Waiting to be be missed

If you didn't shed a tear for that memory of what Christmas was when you were a child, then you really don't get this whole beautiful holiday and what it's about.

Love, Laters....

Wasn't it just January?!

In case you haven't noticed, I have a huge thing for Heath Ledger's interpretation of the Joker. We haven't even seen it yet but it's already so evil, yet.... RIGHT, who wouldn't love it. There are a few more pictures that were released today but these two were my favorite. For more, feel free to travel to www.latinoreview.com they post'em first.

Today is the start of the Spy lounge's open mic. Hopefully there will be a good showing of comics eager to have one more stage in town, and we can give it a good little run. P.S.- Drink alcohol, owners like that type of thing. Maybe if we drink enough they will give us some kind of hook up to keep coming back... you never know.

I saw something that will lead me to make an appointment with my dentist on Saturday. It was a spot on my canine tooth, but behind the tooth. How you ask? Well even if my smile ain't perfect, you better believe that daddy is constantly monitoring that bad boy for any possible damage. I pray that this is something small, but my luck stinks...

I thought I ruined a new adventure in hitting on random girl at my job on Friday only to find some e-mails waiting for me when I got to my desk late this morning.... Ah, to be young. To explain what happened would take forever but I will abbreviate for yuns.

-Approached and began to "spit ma game"(I hate slang)

-Flirt went well while we decorated tree on fourth floor, we joked and she noticed that I slack a little if I can

-I emailed my name, cause it slipped my mind earlier... she e-mails back with laughter

-I propose a walk(this is where I messed up, but I'm impatient)

-After a while, I decide that I have too much to do. I walk over to her desk and explain that I'll need a rain check on the walk

-She's been working, so has NO idea what I'm talking about cause she never received the invitation for the walk

-I awkwardly say "Just pretend this conversation didn't happen"

-I come in today to e-mails like it didn't happen

.... In the end, we are right back on track. I hate being single.

I have way too much pride to go to the doctor's office for this; but I think I broke or have splints in 2 fingers due to Guitar Hero on Friday when I got home. It's the saddest thing I can think of, but I know when something don't feel right and it's like I got instant arthritis in my left hand. I was clearly rockin' a touch too hard.

Divine's was great on Sat. I had a lot of fun with Rob, Big Al Goodwin, and Jimmy Merritt. What can you say, except "Holy S#it, that's a lot of pimpin' in one place ain't it?!" And the answer is YEP.

Tomorrow it's off to Richmond. Clash of the comics... I hate competitions, but what can you do but hustle. At least next Tuesday is a normal show, I'm really lookin forward to that, but I figure it's about time I crush 1 competition. By the way, let me make this public til' someone proves me wrong "You are only allowed to participate in 2 showcases at the DC Improv" now it won't be a mystery like it was for me.

I'm gonna go work. Laters....