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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

An oldie but goodie

This is the first blog that I've ever written and it was back in December on TDCPresents.com (shout out to Tyler S. one of the madmen behind "The Big Takeover".
Those Little Risks in Everyday Life
[transmission from: tyler richardson]
"Don't take any risks today -- the outcome will not be in your favor. Play it safe."This was the horoscope for Taurus today. What is weird is that this morning I found at least three situations to which such a general forecast could be relevant.
I woke up and needed to use the bathroom. When I sit down I discovered that the toilet paper was all gone. I had two choices. Use my hand to get it all out( fist-full-o'-jerky) or I could use printer paper. All I'll say is that I've almost successfully managed to clean out my fingernails. Risk Factor: Paper cuts on the taint.
Driving to work I came to a stop light. A man in front of me was pushing his car while his wife steered. I could tell that he needed help but I'm not the type of person to just go helping strangers...for free. So, I sat there and waited for him to Hulk up and get his car out of my way. I saw three people come running from behind me and help him out. They all made it a point to give me the evil eye while I drove past them and hit the pipe one more time. Cause that's how I roll. Risk Factor: Dropping perfectly good Weed on the ground to help a stranger that doesn't have a vagina. That's fuckin crazy. He should understand, GUY CODE!
I was using the urinal at work and someone's kid was outside the door. I could tell that he was on a short schedule and the way he danced show urgency and fear. So, I did what I always do. I took my time. It only took him a couple of minutes before he started to speak and his begging only tickled me more. After 20 minutes of what I can only describe as the finest showtune collection that I could muster, I let him in. He looked like shit. Literally, he had to shake the crap out of his pants like a P.O.W. Risk Factor: There isn't really one here, but whenever a child cries, the Wolfen God I pray to smiles. And that smile provides the world with rhythm.P.S.- For more info on the Wolfen Cult simply ask yourself "Where would a cult meet at?" The answer should always be "Jo- Ann's Crafts & Fabrics".

Smackdown

(If there is anybody out there that wants to give me a go in WWE Smackdown vs. Raw 2006 you need to find me. My name is Devo2006 and I welcome all comers. If you don't own it rent it and see what I'm talking about. Things like shitting in your pants don't matter as much once you've played this game. I killed a man yesterday for no apparent reason because I play that game. It has changed my life. Let it change yours. )
So I did not get a chance to go to the Comedy Spot Sunday. And yesterday I enjoyed yet another glorious night of Monday Night Raw. Say what you will but wrestling is the shizzie. Say it aloud to yourself and smile if you like. I did. Can't wait to go back on stage again. These long breaks are no good for me. I hope that the show on Saturday is a blast. I'm also curious to see these bands. Time to find out what kind of taste Tyler S. has. But who knows maybe we'll be rockin along with the next Nickelback. And yes, that was a soft band, but damnit, the music that Chad Kruegger writes makes me cry(inside). Makes me cry all over. Rock out. I offended someone earlier with a joke about handicapped people, then I took a much needed 45 seconds to laugh as hard as I thought that joke deserved to be laughed at. It only alienated the girl and I further but sometimes you gotta do for you. You know. And perhaps that's the approach I should take to comedy. But a lot of the things that are funniest to me are really raunchy and I know that. I mean bluer than Bob Saget blue. But I would hate to lose out on a lot of opportunity because of how potentially offensive I could become. And I certainly don't want me throat slit after a set. That would make it awful hard to continue my life of crimefighting. Being dead and all. I hope that people are loving that alice and wonderland song from yesterday's post as much as I did. Just reading it makes me wanna go out and get the dvd. OR download the bit torrent. Okay I said it, I've stolen a clip or two in my time. But if Martin Lawrence expected me to see Rebound I know that he wouldn't want me to pay for it. We go back, way back. I paid for Black Knight. Black Knight. I'm talking back before he was chubby. You remember don't say you don't. Anyway I have to go because there is work I'm supposed to be doing, but I'll get back with you in a little while. Peace.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Be there!....Just go


Shouldn't of left you, left you without a dope beat to step to.

Well hello there and welcome to a lovely new session of Tyler's Blog. By the way for those of you that don't know, my real name is Deaven Tyler Richardson. It's pronounced Devin, think of it like heaven with a D. I have used that tired line since the 2nd grade and it still makes me smile a little everytime that I say it.
I have been writing a lot since the showcase and look forward to giving the audiences more a performance then I have been. Not saying I've been holding my tongue, I just haven't gotten as comfortable with the crowds as I should be by now. I'll see anybody that's planning on going to the Comedy Spot tonight. Hope the crowds there are still filling the seats. But it is the Poonanza tonight so who knows. I actually wanted to go to that tonight but hesitated. I want to see all these people in the area that I haven't seen on stage yet. The Rory Scovels, the Larry Poons, and the Chris Whites. I haven't seen any of those guys yet and have only exchanged like three words with those I have come in contact with. I would be extremely surprised if any of them remembered me. But I am a realist. I am very dedicated to getting on stage more, not only that but my writing has slowed down so much it's embarrassing. But I get discouraged because 5-7 min. Open mics are never enough to get it all out so I just froze my writing. That, in retrospect, was a mistake. You know what the ultimate sign of being nothing is. When absolutely everyone puts you on hold. Not just on the phone either, I'll give you an example. A comedian tells me I need to work at a certain club and they'll set that up. Can't talk to whoever I need to talk to at the club, and the comedian doesn't return e-mail and won't call me. "And don't be an asshole, I know that means that I've been carried." My point is that this stuff keeps happening to me since I began my quest. I want to smack somebody. And then say "Give me some fucking time on your stage. I'm fuckin funny, WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM ME!" but I can't do that. A lot of you didn't know I was quite so bitter, well take a look. I'm bitter as shit. Here is a song that I think people need to sing to themselves sometimes to get through the crap of life:
The walrus and the carpenter Were walking cross the land The beach was wide from side to side But much to full of sand "Mr Walrus," said the carpenter, "My brain begins to perk We'll sweep this clear and in a year If you don't mind the work." "The time has come," the walrus said, "To talk of other things Of shoes and ships and sealing wax Of cabagges and kings And while the see is boiling hot And wheather pigs have wings Kaloo Kalay no work today We're cabbages and kings" Oysters, come and walk with us The day is warm and bright A pleasent walk A pleasent talk Would be a shear delight (Yes and perhaps if we get hungery on the way We coul stop and ah, have a bite!!) But mother oyster winked her eye And shook her weary head She new too well it was much to soon To leave her oyster bed "The sea is nice Take my advice And stay right here" mom said The time has come my little friends To talk of other things Of shoes and ships and sealing wax Of cabbagges and kings And while the sea is boiling hot And wheather pigs have wings Kaloo Kalay come run away With the cabbagges and kings Now ah, let me see Ah!! A loaf of bread is what we cheerly need (And how about some pepper, salt and vinagar?) Ah yes yes of course of course Now oysters dear, if you are ready We shall begin the feed (FEED!!) Oh yes ah, the time has come my little friends To talk of food and things (Of pepper corns and mustard seeds And other seasonings We'll mix 'em all together In a sauce that's made for kings Kaloo Kalay we'll eat today Like cabbagges and kings!!) I, I wait for you I, oh excuse me I deeply simplisize For I've enjoyed you company Oh much more than you realize "Little oysters, little oysters??" But answer there came none And this was scarcly all because They'ed been eaten Every-one THE TIME HAS COME!!!! Were cabbagges And kings!!!! The End

Thursday, February 23, 2006

The Last 2 days have been SHIT!

So let's get down to the nitty grit. I went to D.C. very anxious and I will admit that my nerves had started to kick in a little bit. I got lost on the way to the club. I thought I might find my way there by navigating the numbers but then I remembered that there is no rhyme or reason to the streets and numbers in D.C. I called the club and some nice female directed me to the club and pretty much told me to calm down because being lost and a few minutes late wasn't that big of a deal. Because I was a tad on the Freakin Out side. So I get to the club...

I go to the green room and fill out my intro which is weird to me cause I think they sound tacky or corny most of the time. So I went with the simplest thing that I could think of. My name got mispronounced anyway but since Rob Cantrell is a headliner I'm just glad that he got my last name correct. So I stumble around and see all my friends and family that came out to support. And finally, it's time to go pick our numbers. I get in the room late-ish and so I was the second to last to pick out of the hat. May I say that I joked all week about getting first and that was my way of reassuring myself that it wouldn't happen to me. No, it was me. That kinda took away from my excitement cause now I felt I had no chance of doing well. I get really hyped up listening to the crowd laugh for a while. Then you get the satisfaction of knowing they're ready and your gonna really show'em what laughter is. But even though the headliner was doin a set before me I was crushed by being first. But make no mistakes. I am not making an excuse for losing or for my act. I actually felt like I had a good set. I'm honest with myself and I fucked up a couple of times and had a bit or two that wasn't supposed to be in that set. I'd say my performance was a 6.5 in my book. Good enough to get laughs but didn't really make the judges remember me after 7 other people had taken the stage. And for a while I was bitter at everyone but, after serious thought I give it up to the comedians that placed on Tuesday. They truly came out there and performed like they were professionals. I especially liked Coy. He was too smooth. SMOOTH. With that said I hope that I will get the opportunity to go back without competition and truly bring that place to it's knees. And I will. I did some searching after Tuesday night. Questioning if I'm funny or not. I saw how people salivated when Brandon Ivey was on stage and it makes you step back. There is more than enough work for the two of us out there, but with people like that out there, can I truly say I deserve to work with them. I don't want to just be funny. I came to offer something and try to get away from being just good enough. I am proud of the fact that I performed my set clean. That was in itself an accomplishment because I decided I don't want to limit my humor and if I am as funny as I think, then why do I need to curse. 2 year olds deserve to laugh too damnit. Damnit. But, I wondered if people saw that same star quality in me that was seen in all the great comics that you can remember. Cause I'm not afraid to say that I want the absolute best that the industry has to offer. Don't care how long it takes, or the cost. But I will not sleep with a midget. Cause I got my standards to think about. Standards damnit. Overall, I am satisfied with how I presented myself at the Improv and look very forward to being able to grace that stage again. Congrats to the winners, you guys were awesome.

Yesterday I stayed at home sick cause I didn't feel all that well. Plus, when I woke up there was snow in the air and that disqualified the day from work right off the bat. I go down the hill around 6:00 pm to get some cat food. I decided to bring my dog Fancy because she likes car rides. Awww. And if you didn't aww your not a dog person. So, I go to the store and on the way back up the hill I decide to check the mail. Takes all of 10 seconds. Left the car running. Keys in it. My door is unlocked. Til Fancy jumps on it and locks it. It's 39 degrees outside. I have a leather jacket on with no shirt. I'm skinny. Tow Truck company tells me that it will be 75-95 Fuckin Dollars. Want to kill Fancy. Call mom, she has the spare key. She lives 25 minutes away. She's busy and says it will take awhile. It took her 1.35 hours. I stood out side with nothing but cigarettes to smoke for 1.35 hours. My beer that I just bought was in the car. I thought I saw my gas needle move. Getting more pissed. Finally my mom gets there. Asks me why I waited outside as she laughs. "It's cause I'm in a fire lane and the cops come by here from time to time. I don't want a ticket. " I did not lay a finger on Fancy that night, but one day when she least expect it, I'm gonna throw shit on her face. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Cold, Fancy. Good Dog.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Anxious

Well, it's finally gotten to that point. I'm so anxious that I can't stop playing video games, that's in comparison to being so bored I play video games. I am keeping this short but I've been practicing a lot for tonight just so that I don't embarass myself. But make no mistake I'm preparing to win, if it doesn't happen that's fine, but I'm not thinking about that now. I will write with my sick thoughts of the night after I get back. And for those that are going tonight, thank you, and I hope that you have a great time. As for me, right now? I have to get back to rehearsing. Overdramatized I know, but I like DRAMA. Ciao babies.

Monday, February 20, 2006

The Final Countdown

With only one day left I found myself doing something very corny and I caught myself and had to laugh. I was on the computer earlier today and had on the song "I'm a King" by TI, Lil' Scrappy, and PSC. It was pretty much my anthem in Madden 06' so I listen to it quite frequently. But, I was trying to pump myself up for tomorrow and bobbing to the music like I was DMX. I realized that I wasn't heading out for 12 rounds with Roy Jones Jr. (not the Roy Jones now, the Roy Jones from 1999 where he won fights.) Just had to clear that up. So I practiced the rest of my sets to the sound of silence. And video games. Next Saturday I will be at the Laughing Lizard in Alexandria, VA. I hope that anyone who is bored will swing by for a laugh or two. Fuck, maybe you'll stay and we'll get it on in front of my girl. And since she or her family might be reading this, IT'S A FUCKING JOKE! Fuck. For those who felt disincluded, I apologize. It shan't happen again, this posting anyway. HAHA. Today I purposely left the mother of all explosions in the toilet for my roommates to find. I don't care that it looked like that trash monster from Fraggle Rock, and don't even act like you didn't remember him instantly because it was FRAGGLE ROCK after all. Oh and you could see a lot of lettuce in there too. I'm waiting for him to call me or my girlfriend to call and tell me how gross it was. Maybe they'll just pee over top of it though. Who knows. Well I'll do this again tonight, but keep smiling.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Different Strokes

And we're back. I feel like I need to go to another open mic before this thing but then again I'm lazy so I'm probably just gonna practice a lot at home and in front of the mirror. Laziness is a crippling disease that I have been fighting my whole life. I wish that doctors could come up with a cure but everytime I go in for a diagnosis they become very judgmental and are no longer very professional. Dicks. I think one of the worst signs of getting older is waking up earlier. The older you get it's like your body wants those last precious hours in the day. "Let' s get up a 5:30 in the morning Norman" Oops, I forgot to tell you that's Norman, and that's his body talking to him. Norman's 45; how awful. My 44 year old mother has the disgusting habit of wanting to play in the garden all day. That's how she enjoys herself in her free time. And the saddest part is, that when you watch her and she's done you notice that she's been smiling the whole time. Gardening genuinely makes her happy, it's disturbing to me. And when she gets home from work she watches HGTV. I still have no idea how could have fallen so far from the tree. I like video games. And professionally wrestling, cause that's what men like. If you just disagreed and consider yourself a man, that decision has just been vetoed. I don't make the rules I just relay them the people. I have to go to the bank later and that is depressing. I'm with Navy Federal Credit Union and their business is great, but being in that mutha is the exact opposite. Everyone stands so close to you. And they do in any line, but in the bank it's so quiet that I start getting claustrophobic. I start questioning if I smell bad but I can't check cause somebody will know. So I try to etch closer to the person in front of me. Then the bastard behind me starts the game. And when I get there it's always a gay guy. The same gay guy; I hope and pray that I won't get him and know that he can see that look on my face, but we're forced together and have been for the past two months. It's like God is telling me "Here is one man you can get it on with and I won't judge you" but I'm not gay. And he's a big guy. I'm picky(right after I giggled at that joke my toenail fell off. What about you? He's a vengeful god you know). I've given it some thought and if Saw 2 wasn't instantly put in your top 100 list of movies you should never read this blog again. Joking(I hope they're still here, if they are then maybe they'll realize how weird this Inner-Inner monologue really is!?) keep reading I'm almost done. I really wanna quit smoking but I'm WEAK. Every pack is the last one, and think cold turkey might be the best way. Although I'm also really cheap so to quit in the middle of a pack doesn't seem like the most economic decision. I loved Economics in college. My teacher was clearly a bigot and didn't make any excuses for himself. He was a visionary, the first day of class I tell you what he said: "A certain type of graph(don't remember, yeah college) can never be at equilibrium because to say that would be to say if there were only two jobs in the world, that everyone could do both equally. So if the only two jobs were a roofer and an economics professor that would imply that we could both do the same job at the same efficiency. And I don't think that any of our Mexican friends would like that, do?" But he was dead serious. The whole auditorium was just looking around cause we weren't sure he really said that. But as the classes went on and many more comments about black, poor, and starving children in third world countries were made you could tell he just told it like he saw it. And if you had a problem with it he was all to happy to ask you to leave. I respected the hell out of him for it and told him so. He was a good ol' boy but like watching Peter Griffin rattle off some truly ignorant shit, he was hilarious. Bless you sir. I'll get back to writing later, ciao.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Somebody's readin this thing

I am very pleased to see that all my precious memories and thoughts aren't completely going to waste. The count keeps climbing so either people are stumbling across my blog in pleasant numbers or the 4 people that are reading this are foaming at the mouth to see what I've got to say next. To those four, I love you guys! I have just worked a 12 hour shift so that means I had been holding it for about 10. I did just use the past tense, ain't it cool. I don't like nor do I ever want to take a shit in a public bathroom. One ply, one ply is an employer's way of telling you that they don't much care for you. And my company went so far as to put in the automatic flusher. For those that are familiar with it that means that during that emergency dance before the sacred SHITE your going to encounter a flush or two. Which sprinkles the toilet with( and more importantly the very thin layers of toilet paper) water. POO WATER! And the bathroom condoms don't do jack. Anyone else notice that the bathroom condom is always about 6" too short to fit on the whole toilet. What part of my body do they expect me to sacrifice for that toilet. I certainly won't let the boys play B-ball on that rim, and I'm not letting one hair of my ass touch it. So I figure that I might as well go on the floor like a dog. They made me poop on the tile floor "like a dog". And not just at work either, everywhere. So next time your in the mall and notice that someone ripped the chocolate stained elastic band from their BVD's and threw it in the next stall, think Tyler. C'mon you know you laugh a little everytime that you see a poop smeared bathroom. I do. I have a weird memory of the first and last time I caught my girlfriend do the squat. I walked in while she was in the shower cause I had to makeashit(say that to yourself, it makes you smile, for exact pronunciation see Da Ali G Show) and the toilet seat is in the upright position. I look down and see that she's been raising rare giant brown slugs. They are so rare I wanted to pick one up and take a picture with it. But, I could not because as soon as she saw me eyeing up the specimen, she came at me. In a speed only used in times of fear, she slapped me then pushed me with one hand while the other closed the door on my leg. And was stark naked when she did it. I couldn't make that up people. That shit happened. And it was the last time that I saw the rare giant brown slug. Damnit. Well, I will either write back again tonight, or realistically I will talk it up with you all tomorrow. Ciao babies!

And we're off

Last night at Wiseacres was a so-so show. In my opinion I bombed but I think it's funny so I'm not concerned. I've always been good at accepting failure. I have to quite a bit. Look for my to finally start getting some work very very soon. I will be doing Benz Street Sports Bar within the next few weeks. I just saw that Rob Cantrell will be hosting the Improv showcase on Tuesday and I dig it. Never met him so hopefully we'll have laughter to talk about instead of, "Hey don't worry, everybody bombs". That is not the type of talk I want to have with anyone after Tuesday's performance. It's gonna be great to be in front of a paid crowd again. It's been a while and open mics are only making me question my routine more every week. I keep writing so much stuff that I have a problem committing to what I think will work. My tastes are varied and new, kinda like Air Jordans since 2001. Oh you've seen them you know. So we'll see about what I end up with. Another funny(only to me funny) note is that George Gordon III was in attendance last night. I like him so no, I'm not gonna talk trash, but I think he saw me bomb and that doesn't look very good for me on Tuesday. That is by far the gayest thing I've ever said but like a 13 yr. old girl I was ashamed and embarrassed of my performance. And what do you say when that happens "Good set, gettin' the kinks out" God I crave acceptance. Well I will have more stories for you later today so stay tuned, I like doing more than one blog entry a day. Just like Jordans. (that's a reference to.... nevermind)

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Well hello again

Man how long has it been since I've written in this blog. Feels like two days might have been three. An eternity. I saw this extremely hot woman today. Her body was a ten on any man's scale and then under closer inspection you glance at her face. She was easily 65. Incredible, I've never seen anyone that age how wouldn't have a problem giving me a wooden bat. Oh she was fine, she was fine. Someone that was assisting her told me that while filing her paperwork she bent over and he could see clear down the crack of her ass. Heaven... I only wrote about it because it feels good to talk about, I don't care that I'm the only one who saw her, use your imagination. I'd like to draw your attention to the song at the end of Rocky Horror Picture Show where Tim Curry is in a pool singing what I believe to be "See it, just be it" or something like that. Remember it and realize that it feels good to think about something that soothing. That's the feeling that I got from looking at this old woman's fantastic body. Thank you Tim Curry, I never could have made them realize without you. He's a good man. The improv isn't too far away now. I'm anxious to not only do it but to see the other people I haven't heard of. They're my competition and everything they say is gonna be a complete surprise. Surprises for me in the past have rarely ever worked out in my favor. Like the first time that I hit a home run in a school game, I shit my pants on contact with the ball. So I had to "puddle run" my whole way around the bases. After running to home I did not go to the bench, I simply made my high fived route home. 3rd inning people; I had to do quite a bit of explaining to my coach the next practice. I think he understood. Not situation, just me. So I am not looking forward to surprises is the whole point of that story. I miss Rocky and Bullwinkle, mostly the weird story tales and how they always had a bad ending to them. I think back on being in the first grade and watching stuff like that. For those of you who want to reminisce here is a good place to go.
http://www.johnnorrisbrown.com/classic-nick/
I think you'll find yourself remembering how good television was in our youth and respect the hell out of it. Our children won't have half the great and original stories that we did. We had the Transformers, remember Reboot, remember Doug, what about TMNT, Master of the Universe(He-man to lamens), and finally we had the two greatest reasons to watch TV with your parents. Perfect Strangers followed by Family Matters. Tell me you don't want to shed a tear just to be back there for another week. I do. Damnit, why are we taking so long to develop time travel. Although, Steven Hawkings does make a good argument, why haven't we seen a man from the future. This must mean that we never discover it right. But let's be ignorant because after all it is bliss. I am on it today aren't I. Cliches and everything. But, I think I will let that be and tonight I will be at Wiseacres. So to anyone reading this today, I hope to see you there. Have fun now.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Only 8 days til DC

May I say that I'm very pissed at myself not for having seen Dave Chappelle when he showed up at the DC Improv. I don't care if it was a surprise, I should have seen it coming. What's the good of having telepathy if you can't see something like that coming along. I'm very disappointed in myself. But back to the title, I can't wait to go the showcase and get to perform at the Improv. I wrote this new bit today that makes me laugh when I say it so I'm hoping it will be funny. Some stuff you can't help but do for you, I got a lot of stuff "they" might like but this one's for me. We'll see how it goes at a few open mics over the next week. I would really like to go in there with a brand new "A" material set, but then I'm thinking "these people don't know me, kill'em with everything. And I've only seen two of the other seven comics before so I'm going in with nothing. Everybody likes being able to go, "okay well they're funny, but I won't have to worry about them" even if your wrong. It makes the nerves settle a little more.
It's been confirmed, Tim Miller and I are going to the Last Comic Standing open call on March 7th. Anyone who wants to go please let me know. We leave on the 6th. And don't give me that crap about not having a chance. Because most of the people who get picked thought the same way. It's gonna be fun, and I just like any excuse to go to NYC. But who knows maybe the judge will be a heavy set woman. They love me. Or a gay man, they love me too. For that matter so do prostitutes, so I'll keep my fingers crossed. Keep me in your prayers. And a special shout out to Jared "the man" Stern. He set out update his blog more often for the lowly like myself who just wanna know what working comics think like. On behalf of us all, THANK YOU. Talk to your pal Ryan Conner also. I need my fix. Need my fix; Fix. I enjoyed that more than you all know. But I've always found the annoying hilarious. Pauly Shore. I'm not even making a joke, I love his films because I will always laugh. Even if I were 70 and a politician, I still gotta give it to the Weasel. Rock on Pauly and when the hell does his show come on. Did they cancel it in the middle of a commercial break or something. C'mon. But I must be going I'll talk more to you 3 later. Peace.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Everyday the world is less innocent

When you think about it, the title is true but very depressing. When is the last time that you did something genuinely nice for someone other than yourself. Just because it was the right thing to do. I have taken to the philosophy that karma is around. Maybe not karma exactly, but I believe that God is watching and for the good things I (and probably even you) do we will reap some type of reward. And no, a reward is not necessarily money. Maybe just good news, or a blowjob or something.
On with my blog then...

I like snow. I hope that it comes down so hard that we enter a new ice age. An ice age that allows for the Do Do Bird to make his reappearance to the world. And imagine what a day that would be. Naturally they would try to dominate the world and a league would need to be formed. A league that is unlike any other. A "Super League"! I, of course would be the leader. Magnamachron would be my name. I would then merge myself with a snake. Imagine Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter 2 and put the body of Hercules from the cartoon movie. That should spell out one thing for everyone that gazes upon me. "BAD ASS". That deserves another period don't you think. "." I would use the league to conquer the do do bird, and then enslave them all. Maybe some sex with them. "Oh C'mon, SEX WITH A SLAVE!?"(you might be saying) yes. Because it's funny to me. HA. (I seriously feel my soul hurt everytime I laugh at that. It's true.) HA. After the enslaving a revolt would surely follow, and that's when I would take on the world head first. I'd bring the fight right to the world and ride on mutated do do birds. Naked. And I would have a permanent smile surgically put on my face, to resemble The Joker from the Batman comic books. Wicked. Undoubtedly fate would put a hero in my way. He's destined to end my reign of madness and making people walk barefoot everywhere. And after a long battle he would finish me off. My final words: "I have no one to envy and that was my greatest sin, for that I gave you a hero. I gave you a hero........" Does it get any better than that people? Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

It's the 8th of February already?

I got the same type of thrills that I used to yesterday doing something I never dreamed I would. If you guessed it was paying my bills early then you were correct. That is awesome. I feel like for the next few days I haven't got a care in the world. And that is awesome. Onto more interesting things then. I have the worst writing schedule, and it frustrates me. Now perhaps it's the weed, but I try to write everyday and nothing seems to come and then in one hour 15 thoughts all start running through my head and I just have to write titles to remember what I was thinking about. Then I spend the next day or two filling in all the titles with stories. Everyone's got their ways I just wanted to share mine with anyone who was reading. And the weirdest thing is that normally when they hit me, I'm dueceing it up. Ya smell me.
Everyone has something to say about news so let me do the same. "There is another postal worker gone crazy story on the news in California....(by now you should have groaned at where that was going) and we're back. Coretta Scott King is dead. I don't particularly feel sad cause I know nothing she did, but she married MLK; MLK Jr. Stocks rose and fell, surprisingly local dice game reports aren't on the Bloomberg Report in the morning. I don't think their considering the young, broke, and criminalistic demographic. Hold me down. "I told everyone I was gonna be working on my slang and for those that haven't kept count, I've got like 5 slanged up phrases all up in this b@#$h." Just like a cartoon, huh?
Ugly people, ugly people, ugly people. It's almost as fun as saying Beetlejuice when you say it aloud. Try. I'll wait. And why did they spell it Betelgeuse in the movie and differently on the marquee. It just doesn't make sense.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006


That's me, and if you listen close enough, I'm humming. Posted by Picasa

X-Men

I am only going to give you a link today but it's good. My friend Mike for some reason ran across this page like 3 yrs. ago and we thought it was hilarious. Go through them all and read these people's bios. Take it seriously if you want to or don't believe but I think you might want to show it to yours friends once you've laughed, enjoy.
http://www.ravenswing.com/~mirrorgirl/imaging.html
I'll have a long blog for tomorrow. Be cool everybody.

Paying bills

I think I've started to get the first signs of growing up. I paid 5 or 6 bills ahead of time and have been beaming all day. It's truely a frightening concept, sort of like how my mother's perfect weekend is waking up at 8 am and going to Lowe's and then working on her garden and lawn til' she's exhausted. What ever happened to the good old days of doing nothing and loving it. Am I the only person alive who doesn't even wipe my own ass on my days off cause that's too strenuous. My people we have to be heard.
I think I made a mistake earlier today. See I saw these shoes that I just had to have and bought them. Valentine's Day is right around the corner and I haven't bought my girlfriend anything. To clear the record the mistake was that I didn't overnight the package. And I bought two pairs (different colors). But I should have overnighted. I AM SO CHEAP! It's a gift and a curse. My dog has got this disturbing habit of sounding like he's choking. Only when he's being walked though, and I'm not making this up. Everytime we walk past people when he's out on his walks he makes the sound and I get glares from everyone. And he's a little JAck Russell Terrier so he's supposed to be cute, but when people see he's a rough coat the erection goes away and they think I'm choking a rat to death. But they never say anything because as people we believe that the ugly should die and fend for themselves. If I die like 50 yrs. before my wife I'm committed to continuing the relationship am I? That's along time with no sleep, food, tv, or anything and you know what that means...Dry Humping. And lots of it, that and hunting the small, cause it's heaven dammit. On a completely seperate note, working out makes me poop a lot more than I'm comfortable with. Anybody else feel the same way? and the same goes for granola bars, except they look a little too familiar for my tastes.
I was eating some lasagna a minute ago and looked up and saw Bernie Mac. Yeah, I think we could all assume that I'm done eating (okay honestly, I can eat through that but I did step back and think "Damn, that man is ugly" so it's practically the same thing. Winter Olympics are coming.... alright. I get far too much enjoyment out of inviting people into my car then making them sit through nothing but Fiona Apple. Hard FIONA APPLE! Them Nigga's ain't ready son!...? Yeah, I don't like the sound of slang coming from me either. I'm gonna go and tomorrow I will have quite a long entry. Be cool people.

Monday, February 06, 2006

The Day after the Super Bowl

Hey there and I'm back. Seems like a long time since I last wrote and that's probably because I'm writing this blog to no one right now. What that means is that I'm not anywhere where people can see my blog so all the posts before this one are so that when people begin to read this they will have a lot of catching up to do. It will give them a good idea of just how I'm IS. That's slang, I'm practicing on it. Shawty man, I gotta tell you that I am not a very big fan of football. Don't strip me of my manhood yet, I enjoy them I just don't watch them often if ever. But last night's game was okay, not nearly the same amount of back and forth that the Redskins have made us accustomed to. But a good game non the less. I have begun to take protein shakes and even work out a little. I know this won't last but it feels good right now. The problem with me and working out is that as soon as I look in the mirror and impress myself, the urge to lift heavy things and do strenuous work outs fades away. Quickly too. I looked pretty fuckin sexy right before I got my current girlfriend but within a week or two the need to go to the gym was gone. And we all know why, I had BJ's now, there was no need to chase them down anymore since they had arrived. Supply and demand people. Here is a good question, just because I met this incredible Spanish girl that flat out told me she wanted it, and then gave me her phone number, doesn't mean I have to bang her does it. I feel pretty obligated but that's probably because I like vaginas. I am not the type of person who cheats, more so I just wanted to gloat that this girl wanted to do me. It made my week, cause I don't get hit on like that. And certainly not by a girl that has perfect vision. I am what many women would call baby cute and that means no gina' for you(I haven't been with a Hispanic before though?) No, that's wrong. J.Lo(with that I think it's outta my system now. Have to get back to work though so I will write back and hopefully when I do I'll have an audience. Bye Tyler I write back to you tomorrow.

Friday, February 03, 2006

February Finally...

Well it's the month that I've been waiting for and I'm very excited. I finally get to go to the Improv showcase. Yet again, my hopes are high for that night but why shouldn't they be. Can't enter a competition with no confidence. That's crazy.
I had the opportunity to talk with Norman Wilkerson at an open mic on Wednesday. It was interesting because he's one of the few people that I consider to extremely funny (at least that I've gotten to see.) Yet he isn't working non-stop and touring all over like I felt he was. For whatever it's worth, blue or not no can hold back the laughter when he's on the stage. Am I kissing his ass you say? Yeah, but I felt as though he deserved it. The open mic at Wiseacres wasn't bad, completely comics but they are people who like to laugh just like audience so I try not to look negatively at that.
I wish I could have gone and supported my buddies at Wise by going to the Hooligans thing on Thursday, but I was laid up sick all day yesterday. I hope it was a great show though. It was Jessica(I'm sorry I don't remember your last name)'s first showcase and I really wanted to come and see her when the audience was paying. I like trying new stuff out at Wiseacres, there's really no other thought in that sentence I just thought you should know that. I do need to get to Soho more often though. How am I supposed to become one of the cool people if they don't even know who I am. So as I investigate further into this, I'll let you know if I succeed, and if so, whether or not I say something to offend anyone and create an awkward silence. Cool table here I come.
I have been writing a lot of clubs and asking for whatever time they can give me and so far not bad. Now that doesn't mean that I got work, because I haven't heard back from anyone. It means that I haven't had someone say "Who the fuck are you?! are you funny? Maybe, what the fuck does maybe mean? I'll get back to you when your cool.(click)" I'm glad that my belittling hasn't taken place yet. Though I know that it's necessary in order to hear a yes. At least I think it is. I got that from Danny Devito, right before he morphed into a unicorn and went back to Narnia. Well that's about it for today but we'll do this again soon okay.

About Me

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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