The Furries are coming?!.... Oh.

If you have a free half hour, please educate yourself on what Furries are :http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Furry_fandom

Welcome back, for those of you that took the time to read that page.... was that not creepy yet hilarious? A love it and can see myself wearing one of those fur suits right now. Maybe it's cause I never got hired at Chuck E. Cheese to be the rat, but something in me really wants the glory of a suit that makes people smile, just to perform horrible acts. Like ruining children's games dressed as an owl. I would run onto a soccer field and "swoop down on"(basically just sit down on) the soccer ball, and make threatening throat noises at the children who tried to come get it. Til the cops show up I think that's some good ol' fashioned free fun.


Bought a new type of toothpaste yesterday.... Heaven.

Well, it's Thursday... sucks.

Laters

That's a good weekend...

I had a blast, got to jump on a stage here and there, lined up some stuff in the future, got new headshots, locked my keys in my car in Richmond, had a decent crowd at Spy Lounge and a lot of stuff I can't type while at work. Bless you President's Day, Bless you. I'm really excited about a new bit, but I have no idea how I'm gonna say the word "nuts" 30 times without eventually laughing. It got to me last night and I hope I can control that soon, I think it's gonna be a keeper once I got that part down.

DC Improv showcase tonight!!!!! Keith, Doo- Doo(Marcus is so much better than that name), Eli, and more!!!!!!!! Ever notice how we throw in "and more" when we can't remember, oh well.

For my Richmond luvahs, I will see you on March 11th, I'll be hosting the Clash of the Comics at the Funnybone. TRich-licious, oh... I like that one.

Michael Woodward was a great guy, he tried his best to make me feel welcome and relaxed. However, as I am fidgitty and pretty neurotic, it was hard to relax with someone taking pictures. And, it became a game of "Let's use that, oh and grab that". I made the "mistake" of not bringing a lot of props and stuff, which is fine but eventually I was like "I'm out of poses that I can strike and still claim to be straight". But, I was very happy with everything and love the fact that I have professional head shots now. I'm off to Hollywood to make snuff films Ma!

I actually had someone ask me if that Rick Moranis blog from last week was true.... of course it is.

I wish I could remember the comic's name from last night that had on a 7-year-old's hoodie. You know who you are, you better have burned that thing. Much laughing was had at the expense of that hoodie... good times, good times.

It's always a bad sign when you wake up to go to work and you feel like you're watching a movie through your minds eye. This morning I got asked by a casting director if I can look sickly.... I had all these "Yep, right now" lines, but instead went with a classic... "Yes". I stood up when I finally awoke, and it felt like a scene from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Needless to say, the weekend had it's way with me, and we're getting married. I'm in love, I'm off the market and.... it's just like everyone's told me "It'll just happen when you're not looking for it to happen". And she was right in front of me the whole time, I love you Weekend. She's never there when I call, but she's always on time.

Laters.... from Tyler and Weekend Richardson!!!

Bonus DAY!!!!!!!!..... don't rob me.

Nothing better than waking up with a lot of money, that isn't really yours. Sure you worked for it, but not really. And the best part is that I have nothing to buy. Ah, three day weekends. Oh yeah, I will be posting my new head shots on Monday-ish, or whenever I receive them in my hand. Hopefully my face won't cause the photo to make people turn away from what could be a great picture. But, why would it?...(Cause you ugly) shut up, stupid inner-voice. I found out that the polo I threw on for casual Friday was not a part of the clean clothes I threw in a spot from the dryer. When did I find this out you ask? About 2/3 of the way to work this morning. I looked down at my crotch area and noticed that there was a stain that looked as though I ate Beefaroni and then sneeze-coughed and goo from that combo went on the edge of my shirt. Luckily, I immediately thought, "Oh well, I was gonna tuck my shirt in anyway. No one's gonna see that." Then I looked on my left breast and noticed that there was a something that looks like green eggs and ham. There ain't no hiding that one. So, I'll be buying a new shirt come lunch time if my little crew heads to the mall or near it. That, or I'll be hunched at my desk praying for 4:20 to arrive... yep, there's a little double meaning there.

We're having a cake party at 11 am at work... there is no possible way that any one is expected to get anything done today. But, I'm giving it a decent attempt until 10:30. That's when I take off my outfit and put on my clown suit in the bathroom. Little known fact, most adults enjoy the corny antics of a clown more than children. I don't know any magic tricks or anything, I'm just gonna toss out some groin thrusts in front of as many people desks as I can get away with before security is alerted. I can see it now...."Get your damn hands off me. I work here. You're hurting a clown. I bet you don't please your wife. Okay damnit I said I'm leaving." Yeah, that's how you party for bonus day...

Yesterday I got an important call, I mistook it for another almost-as-important call. I think it made me look more important than I am. Cause really, who the F@ck is Tyler Richardson?! And in the end I got some good news. I'll wait for the second call before I jinx that bit of news.

I will be in Richmond this weekend to pay the Funnybone a much needed visit. Has it really been a month Richmond? You've gained so much weight...

Been on a huge binge of The Strokes lately. Maybe it's because of Rock Band and Guitar Hero having the song Reptilia(juicier than a medium well steak). I just wish I understood more of what that lead singer was saying. If only we could do the same thing with comedy. "mbmrrs sisne isous cocmee" HAHAHA, he's so funny... what the F@ck is he saying?... Get that guy out of here. It doesn't matter what he's saying, he's hilarious.

"Why do you build me up, Buttercup baby just to ..." I'm sorry, I've reflected on songs that I love way too much this week. We'll pick up that song next week.

Well, it's that time again where we say good-bye til' the weekend is through. I hate it, yet I also never want the weekend to end. A vicious circle. Also, if anyone sees the Fowlest, give the lil' bastard a great big ball tap for me. He'll understand I promise. But, be quick, I'm pretty sure he's strapped.

LATERS....

Since it's Valentine's Day....

Things have come to a pretty pass

Our romance is growing flat,

For you like this and the other

While I go for this and that,

Goodness knows what the end will be

Oh I don't know where I'm at

It looks as if we two will never be one

Something must be done:

You say either and I say either, You say neither and I say neither

Either, either Neither, neither, Let's call the whole thing off.

You like potato and I like potahto, You like tomato and I like tomahto

Potato, potahto, Tomato, tomahto, Let's call the whole thing off

But oh, if we call the whole thing off Then we must part

And oh, if we ever part, then that might break my heart

So if you like pyjamas and I like pyjahmas, I'll wear pyjamas and give up pyajahmas

For we know we need each other so we , Better call the whole off off

Let's call the whole thing off.

You say laughter and I say larfter, You say after and I say arfter

Laughter, larfter after arfter, Let's call the whole thing off,

You like vanilla and I like vanella, You saspiralla, and I saspirella

Vanilla vanella chocolate strawberry, Let's call the whole thing off

But oh if we call the whole thing of then we must part

And oh, if we ever part, then that might break my heart

So if you go for oysters and I go for ersters, I'll order oysters and cancel the ersters

For we know we need each other so we, Better call the calling off off,

Let's call the whole thing off.

I say father, and you say pater, I saw mother and you say mater

Pater, mater Uncle, auntie, let's call the whole thing off.

I like bananas and you like banahnahs, I say Havana and I get HavahnahBananas, banahnahs

Havana, Havahnah, Go your way, I'll go mine

So if I go for scallops and you go for lobsters, So all right no contest we'll order lobseter

For we know we need each other so we, Better call the calling off off,

Let's call the whole thing off.

Happy Valentine's Day Everybody!

Laters...

The Secret Life of Rick Moranis

To some the 80's were just a time when music was happier and AIDS had just begun to run rampant. "But do you recall the most wonderful reindeer of all!".... I'm sorry that's a different legend. I'm hear today to speak of the biggest little man to grace the silver screen. He was a man that made the lovable dork something of a commodity. Without him there is now way to be certain that we would ever grow to love Shaquille O'Neal, George Clooney, Matt Damon or Bow Wow. But, what most don't realize when they think back is that he was more than a star, he was heroism personified. Here I will attempt to tell some of his story, based on testimonials and folklore of the man behind the man behind the man.

After being a DJ that spun record that would make your mother raise her skirt, Rick Moranis went to Chi-Town to be a part of SCTV(Second City Television.... you should know that). But while making the world fall in love with the root beer drinking Canadian Bob, he was handling matters on the street. Here is an account of one night's events as told by Alan Sanders of Rhode Island: "Well, I was just out of college and looking for job by day and bussing dishes by night. So, I get off work one night and these guys are waiting in the alley that led to my apartment. I'd been mugged before, no big deal, but something was off about these guys. They all jacked up and just wanted to hurt somebody. They beat me pretty good and right when I thought I was gonna die for sure... there he came. I remember hearing someone scream out a lot of expletives that started with the words LET'S GET IT ON MOTHERF@CKERS!, and I really only remember it because I smiled when he pronounced it so proper. And, he just, well... he just came with the thunder. He whipped the ever-living S#!t out of those guys. He made on bite the curb; pretty sure that guy died, but he saved my life that night. And while I never got the best look at his face, once I saw Ghostbusters I knew. That's the guy, that's the guy that allowed me to live and impregnate my future wife. My children, and their children owe him their lives. Thank you Rick."

Time went by, Rick managed to hide his urges to defend the innocent at night, and continued his big screen success. Ellen Greene from the Little Shop of Horrors- "When he came to work there was this glisten about his brow... like he hadn't slept all night. Sometimes when we kissed on the set I felt like he was gonna suck me in. You could just tell he was stronger than he looked. The scene where my arm was in a sling, remember, well it was all bruised up from a previous scene with Rick. He was just too strong. He was just too strong..."

Still success couldn't run away from Moranis. There was one person who called Rick out on his awkward sleep habits and routine lateness to the set... Tom Arnold. During the filming of Big Bully in 1995, Arnold questioned Moranis on why he had to wait for 11 minutes for him to come out of make-up. Tom Arnold- "Yeah,(licked his lips in the crazy way) I ask one question and he punched me right in the knee cap... never experienced anything like it. So... I left it alone. Hey Rick! He isn't gonna see this right?"

So why after more than a decade of making good people love and laugh, and making the streets red with the blood of the wicked did Rick Moranis disappear? He tells us that when his wife died of cancer he found the schedule grueling when taking care of his kids. But... is that the truth? An anonymous letter received during our search would suggest otherwise. Here is what the letter read:

Dear Inquirer,

I really do not know why you are tracing the life of a man who wants to stay out of the public eye. Asking questions only disrupts the many works that he has dedicated the last 11 years to. To truly weave in and out of your society he had to go away. Most people under 30 might not be able to recognize him on the street now. He could be buying fruit behind you in the grocery store, or he could be pretending to talk on a phone whilst eavesdropping in on your conversation. But rest assured that when the time comes to act he will not hesitate to unleash a fury that police aren't capable of. His quest is to snatch the very genitals of wrong doers, bite the lips off of those who would speak evil against the good... and most importantly clean the streets up for the next geek growing to live in. He doesn't do any of this for himself, though sure, there is some satisfaction in stabbing a hoodlum, but he does it for us. So the next time you hear of a drive by shooting that was gang related, don't wonder "I wonder who did that?" but think "Moranis got another one!"

I'll be watching,

Mick Roranis

Well, whoever that letter was from, we got the message loud and clear buddy. Laters

What the H3ll is h3at?!

Anyone who considers themselves an electronics nut or a videogame freak should be having trouble breathing right now. This is not what the PSP will look like, just a skilled fan's interpretation of what the next generation should be. But, this photo has apparently got the world going nuts right now. I can't say I don't understand. Cause it's beautiful. Words... can't.... speak.... Love.

I hope that we're all gettin' out there and voting for Barack Obama. Cause he's black, yep I said it. I don't care how ignorant it sounds, I want to see a black man become president and I wouldn't care what type of campaign he was running on. Maybe he said that he believes we all need to cut off our pinky toes so we can run faster... that's crazy as $#!t but I'll still vote for him. And when he's sworn into office, a single tear will drop from my eye as I watch the bullet from a redneck pierce his light skinned skull. "Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left.... Back, and to the left."

It was so cold last night I don't think my teeth stopped chattering until I got home. I guess it didn' help that we all had to stand outside until 8 either.... Oh well, I'm alive.

(Tyler dropped dead)

Rice rice gravy

Not to be lude, but let me start by saying that I had a LOT of chili yesterday. When anyone has something spicy like that they think "Please God, let me go early in the morning or late afternoon. Just don't let this hit me in the middle of traffic". But, we aren't in control of that now are we. I thought I had that whole situation under my control when I went several times before I left home. Nothing was really happening but I thought I'd take care of any initial wave before I went and jumped in the car. How wrong I was to try and predict the unpredictable. So, long story short, I had a terrible drive through traffic. I began to toy with the idea of just giving up and walking in and working with an accident(get it). Then one of my supervisors is bound to get informed that there is someone in their team that smells like S#!t, and they'll ask me to leave without making me use any of my leave hours... right? Ah, to dream.

The Fowlest put me on to this new video, can't really describe it since I'm at work but if you want in on the magic, e-mail me at devohaven@gmail.com.... it's definitely worth it. India!

I did not watch the Grammys but couldn't help but see pictures of Aretha Franklin.... S#!t. Sleeves woman, Jesus.

My Granmama told me that she has arthritis yesterday. Now I have two missions in life: 1) Find a cure for arthritis, cause that's my grams. 2) Make her prepare a cookbook before her hands become completely useless. I can't live without her chili and gumbo. What type of life is that?!

Watching Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is not the same when you're sober.... that is all.

If there is anything that's more awkward than being at a friend's house when they are in an argument, then it would definitely be seeing their old dog with asthma almost die right in front of you. I happened to be dominating someone in Wii Tennis when I panicked thinking this old beagle was gonna kick the bucket right next to me. Good news is: I still spanked that @$$... and the dog lived. Win, win.

For some reason if you search 10000bc.com I am the only thing that comes up that isn't encrypted non-sense. Hurray for English speaking neandrathals... I'm still not gonna see that crap though.

And you know what, since I'm pleasing the masses, all the Koreans that come to this everyday looking for lyrics to My, My, My by Johnny Gil(I don't know why it's in such heavy rotation in Korea but, for over a year several come everyday and are disappointed... NO LONGER. DRINK KOREANS, DRINK!)

So good

My, my my my

You look so sweet

Listen

Put on your red dress, and slip on your high heels

And some of that sweet perfume

It sure smells good on you

Slide on your lipstick

And let all your hair down

Cause baby when you get through

I'm gonna show off you

Tonight will be a special night

No matter where we go

And I'm so proud to be with you

I just wanna let you know

Chorus 1:You got me sayin my my my

My my my my

You sure look good tonight

And you're so damn fine

I wanna say my my my

My my my my

You sure look good tonight

After all this time

Slip on your night gown

Step in our bedroom

First I wanna take some time

I just wanna look at you

Girl you are so fine, I can't believe my eyes

And all that I wanna do

I wanna make love to you

Tonight will be a special night

Of many more to come

And I'm so proud to be with you

So proud to share your love

Chorus 2:My my my

My my my my

You sure look good tonight

My my my

My my my my

You sure look good tonight

I wanna say my my my my my, my my my my my

My my, my my

Make love all night long

Make love until the break of dawn

Come on, come on

Sweet little thing, yes you do

Yes you do, you do...

And I'm so proud to be with you

So proud to share your love

{Chorus 2}I wanna love you

I wanna love you in every way, every way

Let me

Let me show you how sweet it's gonna be

I wanna show you things that you never

You never never ever seen before

Put your night gown on

Let your hair hang low

Step in our room, I'm in the mood

To love you all night long

You got me sayin my my my my...

{Chorus 2} (repeat til end)See all you got to do, all you got to do

Say that you'll be mine, all mine, all mine...

You'll be all mine tonight baby

Let me, let me show you how sweet it's gonna be

My my my my my...

There, now everybody's happy... Laters

P.S.- See you at the Spy Lounge

"My cheeks clinched, but there were no screams"

Driver

Photo courtesy of Melissa Lee

Okay, it has been a little while but I'm back. I haven't gotten out much in the past few weeks because of my car and the strange noises that my brakes were making. With that said, I can now get back on stages without fear of getting stranded or in a life threatening accident. Now as for my week: Tuesday- OH, we'll get to that. Wednesday- Chillaxed at home, I never blog from there. Too busy with something else. Thursday- In a development class, nowhere near my cuby. Which leads us up to today. In one week I get my fat f@ck!ng bonus and the tax return is still on the way. Ah, what a lovely time of year it is. And next week I interview for a J.O.B at my company for more money. If my dog would learn to cook for himself(and his master) I can't imagine how life could get any better. Let's talk about Tuesday...

(I think I'm gonna do this whole story in short sentences... yep) Leaving work, feeling great. Headed down route 123. Coming to a red. That Mustang just cut me off. Looks new, I should brake. Not braking. Swerve left and go to church. Try to stop, breathe. Call auto shop. I can make it. No, I can't. Call Josh. Shouldn't chat with no brakes. Hang up. Look up. Both lanes stopped but light is green. I'm doing 50 easy. Sidewalk, right tires. Bump... went over median. White guy next to me is giving a thumbs up(I'm dead serious). Pull into parking lot. Apply E-Brake. Look back at situation. S#!t !

Well, get out there and enjoy your weekend. We'll talk on Monday, and I'll actually be at the Spy Lounge on Monday... What?!

Laters

Strangers with Candy

Yesterday was a pretty interesting day. I met an old man while walking around. This particular old man is white. But that's got very little to do with our story. His name escapes me at the moment but for the sake of fun, let's call him Jake. Every Friday or so, Jake will come by the place I work and sell massive pastries and things for next to nothing. And, it's delicious! He takes all this money, cause you better believe the fat people know to keep an eye out for him, to a charity and keeps enough to buy more ingredients. If that ain't respectable then I don't want to know what is.

Yesterday I walked Kevin to his car, cause he'd just wrapped up an interview. We had been kicking around the complex and seen Jake and the security people talking earlier. While I attempted to sneak in a side door without do a "stop and chat", I got caught. So there I am, pulled outside like a 8th grader that can't stop talking through class. Once outside, he told me to pick something. I'd never eaten any of his food, despite everyone comparing it to heroin.... Why do they have that frame of reference? I went with a safe bet, THE GI-HUGE-ON BROWNIE... with nuts. I was flattered that he would just give a stranger a free anything, so then the small talk begins.

He asked me where Kevin was, though I think it was put more like "Where'd your white buddy go?" I explained that he went home and just had an interview, and that it would be cool working together since we're roommates. He replies, "Yeah my partner and I started off working together, come to think of it we been together for 29 years now.... You gay?" I responded with the most non-homo phobic "no" that I could get out. So, then this man, who is an easy 65 really let me peek into the window of his mind. From there he eyed me up like a young stake. And, I gotta be honest, I felt like an attractive female that getting hit on by her boss. I didn't move and couldn't scream but in my mind I was restless.

Well, from that question forward, whenever I'd change the subject he'd change it right back to gay. "You see Transformers?" "YES... and I'm gay" But, I'm good on my feet so we played that game for a while. When the topic of me having a girlfriend came up all I could think was, "Wow, this guy is really trying to use Game on me". It was surreal being on the opposite end. I counted about 7 "You're an attractive man"s and he even let me know what he was into. So, at some point he was discussing massaging another man's feet. Apparently he's quite good and the other man went from trading sweets for foot rubs, to... well McSex(does the Mc make anyone else smile too?) Luckily, I didn't even have to end that part of the conversation because an Asian man walked up to buy something and he basically drooled right next to me. He watched him walk away after making a couple of sentences, then he turned to me and said "I like him... Mmmm, I love a good looking man. Right?" I had already told him I wasn't gay, so all I could think of to say was "What's not to like... except I mean, for the opposite side though." Not the best sentence, but we do what we can on the spot, right?

To end this story, a lesson that I learned:

There have been times when I thought the people that get kidnapped or raped might have brought it upon themselves. I have looked at their situations and said, "I would have..." but folks when it came right down to it... I took the candy.

A Pic says 999 words...

Pretty sleepy today: Here is what I meant to put up on Friday.... had to wait for that picture.

It's a beautiful rainy day and live is beautiful. Don't really have much to say cause it's Friday but as soon as this picture that I took with the GEICO gecko(from the area commercials where it's a guy in the suit) are available, believe that I'm throwing that up here. And it is definetly a black guy in the suit, cause when my friend went to take his picture he threw "peace up" and lizard didn't even think... "A town down". He even dapped up Charlie before he was able to react. That's a down @$$ lizard. Laters everyone...

Poetry from Charlie Rutherford

I blanked for a decent blog, but did write some new jokes that should be tasty. So with that said enjoy two poems from Charlie Rutherford(if you read this nonsense I call a blog, then you should know who he is), I just found out he wrote poetry like 10 minutes ago....

Why Wonder?

Why wonder?
How beautiful this sky looks,

When I stare back it looks beautiful,

A sweet breeze became a notice,

As the world tasted it's scent.

The plains were more than plain,

And it rained moisture,

Cause the salt was hard to explain.

Under cluttered melodies,

Shadows find themselves one with the trees,

The sunlight was noisy,

In respects to being bright in comparison,

With,

Dress attire.

Darkness came,

But the atmosphere would yeild to retire,

Under a beautiful sky,

Would you?
Charlie Frank Rutherford

An evening with you

These eyes met some that weren't theirs,

And without a blink,

A pupil sits without the knowledge of chairs.

These beings conversated,

And without a word,

With each other,

They became heavily infatuated.

Stares seemed to hold their own dialect,

And without a moment,

Spouted moisture pellets,

So then a hand became a suspect.

A warm passed,

And what passed was a warm,

Without the calm,

A wet face brought such a quiet storm.

And it was here where these eyes met,

And these stares possessed their own dialect,

And a hand became a suspect,

That a love was born,

And what laid slain was regret.

Copyright ©2008 Charlie Frank Rutherford

Well, I'll get back at ya'll tomorries, Laters....

Jump in blog, tomorrow new blog

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watchin' the puddles gather rain
And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
and speak my point of view But it's not sane,
It's not sane
I just want some one to say to me
I'll always be there when you wake
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made
And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there's no rain
And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape escape......escape......escape......
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
ya don't like my point of view ya think I'm insane
Its not sane......it's not sane

Friday

Today I was walking with a female and out of nowhere she scratched her face. But when she scratched, it sounded like Clint Eastwood scratching his face as "the man with no name". Attraction dead... Have a great weekend everybody!

Laters

Two days of blogging since I forgot...

Hump day everybody! Gotta love short work weeks, shame that we won't see one again for some time. I went downstairs and bought a MILD Slim Jim.... needless to say the reason it was only MILD was because it lacked love. It was like kissing someone when you want to be kissing someone else. Shame on you Slim Jim.

I'm sure that we all heard the horrible news that Heath Ledger is dead. I'm not gonna pretend that I knew him and I'm sad, but damnit. That's the Joker... yeah I'm selfish like that. My first words when I found out(after the disbelief) were "Well thank God they finished shooting that movie a couple months ago. But now who's gonna play the Joker in the next one?!" We'll wait and see about that one. It does suck that right at what was to be the best time in his career he was snatched. Note to self: Do Not Take Sleeping Pills!

Time for me to get a shape-up/haircut or something... Charlie is making me look bad. Unacceptable.

"Lovers call him king haters call him clown

He would say bite me thats the way its going down

He was having thoughts that maybe he should retire

Went to church on sunday and saw a Friar

Said he had beef and people want him dead

He loved the hungry ones was only scared of affairs

He lived the fast life couldnt get his path right

Friar just told him bout the hooters that he had last night

Turned himself in to the pattywagon, said no

Bacon wouldnt take him half the pigs on the payroll"

- Lupe Fiasco

Mmmm Mmm Mmmm! That man is bad. My hero. I made it home in about 40 minutes yesterday. I'm aware that had nothing to do with Lupe, but I'm still pretty f**kin' stoked about it. So.... yep.

(Now we start blogging fresh for today... I forgot to publish post yesterday)
Let me start off this festive day by saying that I got pulled over this morning and ticketed for not having my seat belt on. I can't even really be angry at that, but it happened and it made me late to work today. Plus I was choking back a wicked S#it the whole time I was in traffic, including waiting 15 minutes for him to make sure I didn't have any warrants out for my arrest. But luckily there was only one cop car.

I saw a preview for the movie "10,000 BC"... I really don't know what to say. If you have time I invite you to view it for yourself, here you go http://www.10000bc.com/ all that I will say is that they speak perfect English... so... yep.

I never thought I would see the day that I subscribe to multiple services from Equifax, but I'm an old man now. I think one of my happiest moments was correcting them and getting the letter "We f*cked up, sorry" but yeah, it was sweet. And I bought another service from them today too. I don't understand why people wouldn't want to know their score, cause almost every product offered is just your credit "report", then comes the rape when they ask you for way more money just to see your number. Dog$#it!

Watched Snatch last night.... sometimes you just don't know what you're missing until it shows up again. It's still just as good as it was the first time I saw it. "Guy Ritchie, come back and make films like Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch!.... but not that Madonna movie." There, now I feel good.

When did Pauly Shore stop making movies? I still find him hilarious darnit. (Making weasel sounds at my cubicle in his memory)

Look out!
Millions of peaches
peaches for me
Millions of peaches
peaches for free
Millions of peaches
peaches for me
Millions of peaches
peaches for free

Laters...

An ode to spanish hold music...

Titles mean nothing, so let's just enjoy that one for a second shall we? Good. It was one of those rare weekends for me where I sat there and did nothing for way too long. I found out on Friday at 2:30 pm that Monday was a holiday... oh it was sweet like Taffy. I did all of the things that I said I would do on Friday(3 buckets o' Hot Wings from KFC, Stu's house, Miller Lite, random car adventure with Kevin in the middle of the night) and it was good. But I got so messed up that Friday and Saturday night are basically a blur to me. With that being said, let us jump into random fun.


Out of love and respect for www.chucknorrisfacts.com here are a few of my favorites:

-Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one
-There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up
-When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever
-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate
-For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one
-Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year


Okay that was a little more than a few, but once you start reading through them to find great ones... you realize that they are all awesome in their own special ways. Picking less than 100 of them was hard enough, but I don't think that you guys should have that kind of time to read something like that. We are all at work right???

Yesterday my friend Josh said something to me that I refuse to keep for myself. I used to watch a lot of WWE wrestling. Oddly, I stopped sometime after I became single but he was trying to lure me back now that they offer it in HD. "You have got to see WWE in HD man, it was incredible, everything looks so much better!" Theo only thing I could say to that was "Yep, I can't think of any man who hasn't enjoyed a good sweaty glistened up man in High Definition...." I think he realised how gay what he said was. Tyler 1- Apparently "now" gay Josh-0

Where the hell is the snow(wintry mix)that all of the weather channels called for?!!!

Fat lady just walked by with what smells like a Spicy Bite.... fat lady's making me HUNGRY.

Without meaning for it to be so secretive, a friend at work and I are exchanging musical secrets. It is no secret that I own BOTH of Justin Timberlake's albums. Somehow it came up, probably while I was jamming on the iPod, and now a man that is almost 30 is curious "Can that kid who was in a boy band actually make good music?" Every experience I've ever had tells me that if most people like something it's probably good. I will show him the way of Justin... cause that muthaf****r make the body rock!

Well my friends, I must be going for today, but be cool everybody(Hello Erin.
Laters

The Agenda.... & Video

Okay so first off you'll find the video from the Funnybone above. I figured it's easier to watch if you don't have to go clicking everywhere... and I procrastinated on putting it on MySpace and YouTube forever. But now that it's up, please "Get you some!!!!!"

First thing when my alarm went off I had that Saturday morning feeling. So much so, that when I turned it off I went back to sleep for a second and then a little angel on my shoulder reminded me that we hadn't lived through Friday yet.... S#IT! "Wake that @SS up TRich!, F*ck is you doin!?" So, I dashed out the door after a brief laugh with my Nelson. Oh, and the dryer didn't dry my sweater all the way and that is a feeling of gross that I can't describe. But, it's new, it's sexy, and it definitely needed a wash since I threw up on it at a party a couple weeks ago. And the poor thing has just been sitting there waiting to be cleaned and seen during a casual Friday such as this. So, what is the agenda? Well, the good folks at Paramount Pictures got me. I'm curious and even though every site that has an opinion I trust says that Cloverfield sucks, I have to know what that monster looks like! It's killing me... by the way, for anyone else going to see that, the movie is 75-82 minutes in length. That's shorter than Cinderella(the animated Disney film from our youth) was. Disappointing, but you know what, as long as he kills someone and dies at the end, what else could I ask for? All week I've know what I wanted to do in preparation for this movie. I'm gonna go pick up my ol' friend Mary(wink), then I'm gonna get a shape up, then off to KFC for 3(that's right I'm driving in the stereotype-mobile) BUCKETS of Hot Wings, then off to Bloom for Mucho Cerveza(Miller Lite), and off course it's home to start the festivities with Nelson, Kevin, Andrea, Charlie, Josh and his lovely bride. Tomorrow it's back to comedy but tonight it's about good ol' fashioned non-sense, hopefully I'll make it home in time for some Rock Band before I crash out. But, there's always Saturday morning for that, it's not like I'm a douche that works out on Saturday morning(take offense to that if you wake up and work out, you're taking life a little too serious). Ah...... Fridays(as he kicks his feet up on his desk as though he were at home...but not really though, I'm at work)

Yesterday the roads were just fine when I got off work to race to an audition, but people drove about 3 miles an hour. I almost lost my mind cause not only was I late, but then I started improvising the Mapquest directions with my memory and that is always trouble. My memory is S#it folks. So, of course I lost. With the clock ticking before the company closed I called up Keith (the comedian, he's good, he says "Sup") and worked out a formula of getting lost more and then finding the right way. So I arrived with all of 9 minutes before they were supposed to close and I think my read went well. I take back what I said the other day, cause the person I spoke to on the phone(Steve) was very cool and so was Chris. Time will tell on that one, and I made it home the same time as Charlie who live close to me and came home directly from work. Gotta love it when something comes together on a good Thursday like that.

I've been listening to Hybrid Theory by Linkin Park a lot the last week. I don't know why but my soul just felt like rocking out for a while. That is all.

Well, it's that time again. My brain has run out of thing to jaw-jack about and I'm leaving for the weekend. I hope everyone is safe and makes their way back to work on Monday. Cause if you don't do your job who the F*ck will?!

Laters...

The sound of Chaos

If you ever want to see about 2,000 people break into cheers like Barack Obama just won the Presidential election, then come by my headquarters next January when they announce our annual bonus to the masses. Since I watched Braveheart this morning before leaving for work, all I could think about was someone grabbing a chair and chucking out of the window in celebration. Awesome... but I can't help but think of the next naturally funny thing that could come out of that situation. That being, if right after the President announced that, he came back on and said "Unfortunately, we will not be able to give out your PIP(bonus) this year, we're sorry". Cause when that announcement got made, a clown would come out of someone's cubicle with an AK-47 and a fistful of tears, unleashing hell on everyone within bullet range. Oh, can you beat the humor of random clown violence? Nope.

I took a walk in some of this beautiful snow a little while ago, and took a look around for a bit. Sometimes life seems so routine that I don't think we stop and check out how beautiful it is. I think snow has a great way of accentuating the beauty in all of the little things around us. Trees are brought to life, creeks and grass take new form, and the fat woman coming out of her car almost slips on her way into the back of the building(that happened... hilarious). They say that no snowflake is like any other and that makes me concentrate so hard on any one that comes into focus. I want nothing more than to prove that theory wrong, but I know that will never happen. But, the cool thing is that when I give up and finally stop focusing on one flake at a time, I notice that there are a sea of flakes dancing around me. What more could you ask for out of weather that most would call inclement. Who doesn't get filled with memories of childhood when they see a day like today? My favorite snow memory has got to be when I was in the 4th grade. My friend Gatumbi and I were playing over near this giant creek in Alexandria right across from Landmark mall... or what they are calling Landmark Mall. While we were playing I noticed that part of the creek was frozen but not all of it. I wanted to see just how far onto the ice I could go before it broke. Though you don't really want to fall into freezing water, that's the only way to find the answer to the question right? So of course the ice finally broke and I plunged in. Gatumbi didn't help me but instead laughed hysterically because of my blood curdling scream. That S#it was pretty cold if memory serves. As he laughed, standing on ice himself, he went plunging into the water too. We kept trying to get out but the ice kept snapping every time we put an arm up. We eventually got out of the water, but as we walk home our clothes got crystallized and quick. The clothes wouldn't even bend anymore, we just had to wobble like penguins all the way back to my mom's. She made us change and then gave us hot coffee while we thawed and watched TV. Could it be that it was all so simple then? But, that's my favorite memory of snow as a kid.

Wish me luck, acting audition today. $$$$

Laters....

Stick to the script Tom Cruise

I kept hearing about some video that proves that Tom Cruise is Bat$#it crazy and so naturally I had to look it up.... oh it's true. And of course I wouldn't deny anyone from enjoy a taste of madness so here you go:http://gawker.com/5002269/the-cruise-indoctrination-video-scientology-tried-to-suppress?autoplay=true

And you have the good folks at Gawker.com to thank for that little gem. Time really flies when you think about it. I was sitting in my cuby and thinking about getting lost in Southeast with the urge to pee, and there was absolutely no way I was getting out of the car. I had an empty Colgate mouthwash bottle in the back seat(no, I don't know why it was there but stay with me people) and once I finally got out of Southeast I still couldn't find a bathroom. I was unzipped and "kissing the rim" of the bottle when I found myself in front of a church. Did I mention that it was still daylight? Cause the attendant in front of the church definitely got himself an eye full of Wednesday night surprise. I rolled down the window and asked if I could use his bathroom, thinking there was no way he would say yes, but I needed to cut up some of the awkwardness. To my chagrin his reply was "Yeah, come right in young man... (chuckle)" So I put my c**k away and threw the Colgate bottle, which was piss free, in the backseat. I remember it being one of those knee bending, exhaling, almost orgasmic type streams that linger for about 13 minutes afterward. And that was almost a year ago from today. Ah, how time flies. That story doesn't really go with "Wow, time can get away from you" but when does anything I say make a lot of sense.

I realized why Bazooka gum isn't as popular as it was in the stone age today. I put a piece in my mouth and by chew number 4 it was flavorless... Son of a B*tch.

For anyone curious, BET Networks currently has no comedy shows (comicview,coming to the stage, random craptacular show) in production right now. Just in case some is thinking of calling like I do. But they do encourage you to call weekly since they are expecting production to start soon. Get your white gloves on cause there are fresh young minds to influence with ignorant stereotypes... "How did he get BET Networks phone numbers, one might ask?" Persistence my young friend. I learned from the Fowlest.

I've been taking up some auditions since Big Al Goodwin got his Pilot. In speaking with these people over the phone setting up dates, I've found that they can be some of the rudest D*CKS on the planet. One man told me straight up that he didn't care to "actually" speak to me, and that I should e-mail him again cause he'd forget what we were talking about. I've been spoken to like that before but when he said it, it seemed heartfelt and sincere. Then he e-mailed me good news, followed by more rudeness!? Oh showbiz, you are a HARSH MISTRESS.

Gotta go for now. "Come Seymour, we have things to do......" Laters

Time by Musiq (just feeling reflective)

I'd like to take a minute to apologize

For not taking advantage of you

Through all the years you've passed me by

Honestly I really wanted to be mad at you, yes

For so many hours waiting, yeah

I finally know what it means to be patient

And everything has its place, yeah

And reason and I've learned that

Time waits for nothing

And everything is gonna take its time for it to happen

Time waits for nothing

And everything is gonna take its time

Time waits for nothing and no one

Cause everything has its time

I used to think that if I tried

Then maybe I could change the things that

I regretted in my past life

But through all the lessons that you taught me

I have learned my experiences enhanced my character, yes

Now as I look back with what I know now

I can say that I wouldn't change a thing

Cause I love who I became, yeah

And when it's all said and done

I can only live for today

Cause I've learned that

Time waits for nothing

And everything is gonna take its time for it to happen

Time waits for nothing

And everything is gonna take its time

Time waits for nothing and no one

Cause everything has its time

I used to find it hard to believe

And almost impossible to conceive, yeah

Everything I do revolves around you And knowing that, its kind crazy to me

Now if I had a dollar for every moment

That I spent watching my days go by

Doing, doing, doing nothing

I probably never be penniless or hopeless.

So for a while now, I've kept in mind

Cause what they say is true

That you are of the essence

Down to the very last second

And I'm so glad that I've grown to

Respect you

Tomorrow students, there shall be less deep thoughts and more randoms S#it from good ol' TRich. Hope you guys enjoy the snow flurries and I hope that the meteorologist actually know what they are talking about this time. Laters...

Forever Young

I just had a flashback of Charlie Day with his hands raised to the Lord, dancing as though a tear might fall from his eyes.... classic. Well, it's a rainy day again and the good Lord has decided to use his cruel sense of humor once again. There is an extremely hot woman that sits next to me and since I arrived she has been married so I treated her like any man should, a guy. Well, that time has come and gone and now it's official that she's getting divorced. She talked to me about dating(she just got ended a 5 year marriage and has already been on two dates, that almost makes me nauseous when I think of my ex and what she might have been doing then and now) and was asking some basic questions about the single life. But, all that goes through my mind no matter what is coming out of my mouth is "I should not have been myself around you" and that's the truth. Maybe if I had been a scumbag and always let it be known I'm attracted there would be some strange at the end of the tunnel... no? We'll move on.

If you see Big Al Goodwin, give him a big hug til' he gets upset and demands you let go of him. You know why? Because he is shooting a pilot for a network. That's about all I can say.... cause he couldn't share anymore information with me. Congrateys AL!

Jermaine Fowler is a hooligan! There Runteldat...

There is a story that is on the national news about the lady who just happened to have 4 dead children in her home in D.C., it's exciting to have something close by get this kind of national attention. The woman, unless she has got some serious proof, is completely bats#it crazy. Her excuse to how the children, which are conformed to be hers, died is that they all were possessed by a demon that killed them one week apart from each other. I'm almost gullible enough to buy that but the police said the oldest,17, had apparently been stabbed. One or more of the children had been bound, and a couple of the youngest ones had blunt force trauma to the head. Could it be that she saw the episode of the Boondocks where Uncle Ruckus beat Stinkmeiner out of Tom, and she attempted to do the same to her own children. "There's some powerful Nigg@try at work here"- Uncle Ruckus

P.S.- The B__ch is gonna fry man

Is anything sweeter than ruining the end of the last Harry Potter book for a procrastinating Harry Potter fanatic? I'm seriously contemplating telling this girl Amy that I work with what happened just to see her head explode. But, then that leaves more work for me and that is completely against the TRichardson code of work ethics. Code 154-862 stated "Never make a decision that will result in more work for Tyler. If more work is the result of one of your choices you are to seek out the nearest window on the fifth floor and toss yourself into the biggest crowd of people you see", I wouldn't make that up. There are like 975 pages in the code, and somehow a lot of them find some way to tell you hop out of a window. That TRich can write some code.

The survey for "stand up or sit down"(to wipe) is still ongoing with on 1, I repeat 1 person that has shared that they too stand their lazy a$$ up to wipe their most horrid of precious places. And, while most people at could hear what was going on were disgusted at us for standing, it could not compare to the look on our faces. Scoreboard: Standers 2, People that aren't getting all the marmalade 26. Don't give up on us though, this thing ain't over.

Well, I'm gonna split, I've got work to do and dragons to slay. Stay classy...

Laters