Don't want no short short blog

Happiness is emotion in which one experiences feelings ranging from contentment and satisfaction to bliss and intense joy. This definition is, however, a synonymous one. A more clarified one is almost impossible to conceive due to the capacity by which a human can allocate the correct words into an appropriate and merit able sentence that would describe happiness.

(it's in the palm of your hands, get it? course you did)

Well Hersday is here just like it has a tendency to do, but what have you all been up to? Playing go fish? Perhaps some of you were reading an encyclopedia, but no matter what you were doing you definitely weren't at Wiseacres last night... cause there was no open mic last night. I had to drive there and find that out the hard way. Fortunately, I had promises of some of my Grandma's chili(easily a ten on the orgasm scale) and so I turned around with no attitude and set out for Grandma's. I won't give too much detail but I ate a couple of bowls with the ol' gal and this was (really long pause cause I can't remember) about 8 o' clizzy. It's 9:26 am right now, I have been to the bathroom twice in the three hours I have been awake and the first time involved dashing back to my bathroom from my car. There is nothing worse than having to sit on gremlin while stuck in traffic. Stuff like that makes you speed, speeding gets you a ticket, cops take a while to write tickets before they send you on your way, cops also hate it when you $#!t yourself while waiting for them to come back and give you a ticket. So, I'm glad that I ran back upstairs and of course, as soon as I made it to my desk and worked for oh... 10 minutes(being honest, spell check actually had to help me with "minutes" good grief) there it is again. Had to walk down a couple floors cause the bathroom is so close to my section I don't want to be identified by my Stacy Adams'(nice black people shoes, for the white folk).

The greatest trick that anyone who naturally likes to talk has is..... silence. Talkative comics/men, trust me when I say that shutting your mouth at all times(while at work) will supply you with the mystery and attractiveness that we all crave. It sucks keeping silent, but I keep getting introduced or bumping into people in weird ways. I never believed in the whole "Just let you're paths cross casually and speak when the moment presents itself" theory, but it's as true as the fact that you can see a little package outline when I have on dress slacks :) Now if only I could control when I casually bump into this older mixed woman in marketing. P.S. - if anyone has a great way to propose to a stranger I'd love to hear it.

The Meximelt is delicious... that is all.

I know I've probably said this before, but stay with me on this. A man is running around a track. He is naked, and the track is littered with hurdles. When someone fires the starting gun he takes off and has been instructed to relieve himself of all bodily fluid during his run. For some reason that thought is hilarious to me. Might be a little funnier to me if it was a girl... who was shy. Ah, to dream.

Lost tonight!!!!!!!!!!! What the hell ever happened to that thick black cloud that killed Anabeese? Or that random polar bear?

Whenever I make eye contact with any of the older African women that work on my floor, they seem to have a look in their eyes like they don't trust me. And, they shouldn't. I've tasted goat and did not enjoy, so we have very little in common. Those two things have nothing to do with each other but just know that I'm not the biggest fan of Africans on the planet. And any militants that want to go back home(to Africa, for the white folk)... good f*cking luck, it's hot outside baby.

Tyler test for human similarities:

1. Do you swear and get upset when someone won't let you in while trying to merge with traffic or change lanes?
2. Shortly after you've calmed down, do you make people trying to merge into traffic wait to get in front of the guy behind you? Then laugh when you see them get mad at the fact that you didn't let them merge into traffic or change lanes?

That my friends is hypocrisy. And that is what makes us human. If you answered yes, you're good people. If you said no to any question, what is Mars like in the spring?

I don't want to waste anymore of your afternoon, but I've got a little (if only that were true) work to do. Happy Hersday everyone.... by the way, since I actually refer to Thursday like that in the office, now people in my section are calling it Hersday. I know they probably found it amusing to speak of the day like we were advertising for a club, but part of me wants to believe that it's because of mind control. Tomato, Tomato(to be pronounced like a ignorant person) I guess.

Laters

Who remembers the Silverhawks?

So here we are, halfway through the week and I'm having the exact opposite of a week than I was having last Wednesday. Could be cause there was no traffic today, cause I watched American Idol last night, cause I have a great feeling about a phone call that I have to make in a few minutes or just because I think I'm looking like the money today. Another thing that's got me feeling great is that I have Nelson's iPod. I have my own full of great music, especially all of my Lupe Fiasco tracks(albums and mixtapes), but Nelson's has a lot of music that I've forgotten I loved or CD's that at some point I was dumb enough to lose. I've been trippin' down memory lane listening to it. I even listened to Eminem's Encore earlier and still hated it, then I popped in Eminem Presents: The Re-Up and got a taste of what type of music he should be recording. Song of the Day: Git up by D12 from D12 World

When I look around and think of hitting on women, they keep walking. But, when I work hard and mind my business I keep bumping into attractive females left and right. Let that be a lesson kids, just do your damn job.

Nelson's countdown to actually banging his girlfriend: Predicted to initiate Saturday between the hours of 13:45 and 23:40... to be continued

Nothing like walking past a man and watching him turn around and sniff the air with a look in his eyes that spells... M.A.N.T.A.S.Y.

Any one that forwards you ANY e-mail is not a friend. At some point people seem to think that they're you're FRIEND so they can forward you crap that you normally wouldn't tolerate from others. No. Yet that is always the first thing people do when they get my e-mail address, they start sending me jokes. I won't lie, I've read one or two and never even smirked... and I smirk all the time. Need I make a t-shirt that makes it clear? It would read:" I don't care how fine you are, don't you send me your $#!tty spam jokes. Cause I'll superman you hoe.... YOU!!!!" Ah.

One more day of dress up until another magical casual Friday. My dog Max is happy. You should be too.

Well, I wish all of you the happiest Wednesday you can have and hopefully I'll get to see a lot of you guys at Wiseacres tonight.

Laters...

Can I... ride you?

This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill

Fifteen percent concentrated power of will

Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain

And a hundred percent reason to remember the name

Fort Minor

I'm in the middle of 15 (9 if you won't count sleep) hour marathon with nothing but Lupe Fiasco blaring through the headphones. It's bliss, I went back and rediscovered all the songs on the first album that I'd treated like an ex-girlfriend. Also, I was pretty early to work today. I think that cold showers are good for one thing, test of manhood! Other than that I really can't endorse them but there is something about the moment that you stop the teeth clattering and can stand in the water. I stood there and let the stream of water run down and as I finally got used to the bitter cold(like a pool) I noticed that my genitalia was trying so hard to get into my stomach that the sac(hel) was pressed against what seemed to be a bone. With that in mind, I can't wait to get home and have a nice HOT shower. I just don't feel right coming off a cold one, but when the test of manhood in dished out how dare I turn my back like a Welshman.

Last night I had my first encounter with D.C. police. As I walked back to my car I saw a cop walking around my vehicle with a flashlight shining in my windows. I hung up the phone and shouted to him. I'll give you a glimpse of this awkward conversation because while I had the feeling he was f*cking with me, he never smiled or fully gave in to the fact that he wasn't a dick... watch:

Me: Officer can I help you?

Cop:No. Why, this your car?

M:Yeah, I know why you're looking(my secret, though I'm glad I got rid of the beer cans...phew) in my car and trust me, I just went to traffic court today and went to the mechanic. It'll be all taken care of by Friday.

C:You know that's a Jail able offense in the District?

M:No... Are you gonna arrest me?

C:I'm surprised that they haven't locked you up in Va yet.

M: Well.... I'm glad they didn't. Are you gonna arrest me?

C: You're not driving right now are you? Of course I could just wait for you to go home...

M:Well, I for one am glad that you aren't gonna arrest me...

C:I was about to give you a $100 ticket..

M:Well... I'm glad that I got here when I did...

(silence for literally 1 minute) (I think turn to his patrol car and look at the woman in the passenger seat)

C: Why you looking back there?

M:I couldn't tell if she was in the back seat or not.

C:(still got that mean ass stare on his face)

M: Well... I promise that you can come back here next Monday and this will be taken care of. I have to, I have plans here every Monday night.

C: If you make it out of the city tonight.

M:(Silent, what the f*ck do I say to that?!)

C: You get outta here man, I'll get you later. Or shortly.

(The police officer takes 3 minutes to pull a three point maneuver out of the dead end. Then he stops and waits for me to drive out past him. Like a child when your parents are standing in the doorway shouting "Get in here now!" I creep past him, certain that he's just gonna hit his lights on once I got past him.... he didn't) THE END

Well, I guess I should let everyone get on with all of the other delicious blogs that are "our routine" to pass the daytime blues.

Laters

Good Grief

For anyone that didn't go to the Arlington cinema n' Drafthouse's new open mic, you're missing out on a good crowd. At least, they were a good crowd last Saturday night anyway. It's a real comfortable spot and they seemed aware that comedy was gonna take place and even changed the position of the chairs so they wouldn't have to half-turn the entire show. I thought the night was a blast and don't recall any comics wiping tears from their eyes cause of bombing... so yeah!

I had traffic court today and that sucked something fierce. I was just about last to be called since my state trooper was the last officer to get chosen. I felt bad for all of the people that went up there for driving on a suspended or something that would lead to jail time depending on how things went. This one kid in particular reminded me of myself on my 21st birthday. I was in court down in Caroline County for driving on a suspended license. I was unaware that it could mean I wasn't driving right home, as was this young Asian gentleman. When the judge asked me whether or not I wanted to wait and come back with an attorney I took a minute to think about it then came back. "Your honor, if I'm going to jail I'm ready now" and with luck, the fact that I'd had it reinstated almost immediately and a joke about how I was finally able to drink today, I got to go home with a small fine. The young man thought about it for a second, then said "I guess I'll do it today" I don't think the judge believed he was confident and asked him to make sure stating "You might not leave here today if things don't go well"... the young man caved. I probably would have done the same, I just got lucky one day and I hope that I'm never staring jail time in the face again.

In Fairfax County's courthouse they make you pay fifty cents every half hour. You have to pay before you leave, so I think I've got the appropriate amount of change. I'm exactly 20 cents short. I walk back to my car and get some change. In the time that it took me to scrummage up some change(I'm not going to an ATM to pay someone $2.00) and come back downstairs, the amount changed. Of course I didn't find that out until I had put all my change into the machine and the line of people behind me had time to figure out "That black guy doesn't have any money".... so back to the car. I get into every conceivable crevasse of that Corolla and come with enough money. I check the time to make sure that I'm not gonna have the ol' switharoo when I get down to the machine. I get there and wouldn't you know, now it want exactly five cents more than I have on me. I go to the man behind the glass and ask him if the ticket is right. He seems to have heard some broke people chatter, cause he says "How much do you have?" 2.45 "Give it to me" Thank your God (he was middle eastern) and then I grabbed my ticket out and head back to work. All in all, it took about 2 hours longer than I expected. Oh, and no matter how hot she is, if she's hitting on you in Court (I don't care if it's traffic).... just walk away.

Looking very forward to Sunday, the two people that get to be on that show get to meet all types of black comedy icons of today. The list of performers for the Lincoln theater the weekend of April 3-5 is incredible: Thursday: Joe Torry, mozan, Rickey Smiley, Jay Phillips, Don "DC" Curry, Lavelle Crawford, Rodney Perry, Bruce Bruce, Joey Wells

Friday: Mike Epps, Dennis Gaxiola, Kym Whitley, Will E. Robo, Ray Lapowski, Rudy Rush, Steve Brown, Gary Owen, Darryl Brunson, Ron G., Big Red Grant, A.G. White, Joe Clair

Saturday: Memphis Red (aka Lester Bibbs), Jamie Teat, B-Phlat, Teddy Carpenter, Raymond Grady, Shang, Joey Medina, Carmen Barton, Angelo, Luenell, Rodman, Deon Cole, Roz G., Berry Boyz

WHOA!!!

Alright, well I have to run to the mechanic so.... Laters

YES, SPY LOUNGE IS STILL ALIVE AND KICKING EVERY MONDAY NIGHT, SHOW THAT FACE OF YOURS!!!

This is SNAKE EYES!!!!!

Don't really have much to report today, I sat around the house yesterday. I'm eating at my desk right now since my roommate's a homosexual and "my trainer's taking me out to lunch since I'm all done"... fag.(The sentence is not necessarily the opinion of Tyler Richardson :)

If you haven't seen Gone Baby Gone, DO!!!!!

For those that aren't busy on March 30( Sunday after next), I will be among the 12 auditioning for Martin Lawrence's 1st Amendment show so feel free to come on out. This one of the few times that I've sent a tape to someone and been completely shocked to hear that they thought it was funny and called me back. (Shouldn't I think I'm funny) But, nonetheless I'm pretty stoked and it would be too cool to actually meet him on April 2-4 at the Lincoln theater. I'm gonna keep my hopes down though, generally the proper speaking comedians are pretty scarce on programs like that and Def Jam.... I'm still gonna cross my fingers and toes over it though. Pray for me.....

Almost bought a new car today.... instead I called a salesman and wasted a lot of him time, next thing I knew the urge had past. Luckily, it passed right before I sent him my credit application. Gotta watch how many times that S#!t gets pulled.

I did a lot at work on this magical Friday. I'm wearing a shirt that is wrinkle-free. There is way too little mud on my boots today.

All of the sentences from that previous short burst of sentences are a complete lie... (sigh) I'm just slumming it today, what can I say.

Well, there's a genie waiting on me to finish up so we can knock wish 2 & 3 out. I don't really know what my 3rd wish will be but number 2 has been coming for some time now..... CRIME SPREE!!

Laters

Happy Hersday!

I don't know about you, but I thought Wiseacres was a lot of fun last night. Could be that the room was full of familiar faces and everyone was having a good time, or it could be cause we got to witness Schlegel tear a huge man to pieces. Ah, Wednesdays... shame that it's already Hersday. Oh, that's right, I said last week that I'm done callin' it by any other name it's Hersday from now on.

Micheal Clark Duncan will be playing Balrog in the Street Fighter Movie.... quite simply "a big dude".

More while I notice attractive women, I feel myself transform into the wolf from Droopy's old cartoons. Getting that's just part of getting grown... and being surrounded by beautiful women 8 hours a day. Women should pass a rule where they don't smile at men they aren't attracted to. It would finally let men know exactly where they stand, cause if she's straight faced the whole time you're talking to her, she don't want the d*ck. "I think that Susan on the third floor likes me" How do you know? "She was smiling at me the whole time we were talking earlier!" Good S#!t, but you know it ain't no fun if the homies can't have none... (we'll move on but assume that conversation ended in a choo-choo train)

By the way, that baby in this picture to the left is alive(in the picture) and victim of a rare disease known as Harlequin disease. Find out more here:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/portal/ttv/news.jhtml?bcpid=1365202579&bclid=1155306408&bctid=1459170187\

Whoever started this trend of jeans and heels is a saint. It distracts the S#!t out of me on Fridays but still SO looked forward to.

The only thing I hate about being new on the job is that it always feels like people are shoving their work off on the new guy so you can "get used to the daily grind". While that's helpful, we've all been on the other side and when someone new gets here someday, I'm gonna give them every last bit of my work... then I'm gonna go see the doctor downstairs and take a nap.

Now let's take a moment for a virtual hug. Ah.

I've had a pretty terrible week, but interestingly enough I've had the best sleep I can remember. Everyday this week I've gone to bed and it feels like I've been sleeping in a hyperbolic sleep chamber. It's really good, not even sexual dreams just happy sleep where you wake up smiling. I wish I could go to sleep right now, but I better stop talking about a nap before I pass out mid- blog.

I've got to make my long stroll to get some Cherry Coke so I guess this is where we'll say good bye. Enjoy this Hersday and be safe cause tomorrow is March 21st!!!!.... and it's Friday.

Laters

This isn't Malibu, you just put a plam tree in your bathroom!!

Thank to everyone that showed up last night, I thought it was a good enough night... if only the audience were a tad more enthused. Ah, in a perfect world... and where was Atif? Oh well.

I hope that everyone celebrated St. Paddy's day with a bang. If you were able to wake up and get to work on time, then no, you did not properly get hammered. But, if you're not Irish what were you trying to prove anyway. Sad alcoholics need to take advantage of any given opportunity they can use to drink(St. Patrick's Day, Sportscenter, Depression), while the steadfast members of that community(TRich) stand proudly on Saturday morning(9 am) with their favorite mate( the Milla {Miller Lite}) and a smile. Be proud of who you are.

Got Jay-Z's new album yesterday, not really that new anymore but since I don't listen to radio I catch on a little late. The song that hooked me was "I Know", straight sex. I still laugh when I say that, it's sad but true.

Sometime today I've been told to call a man about a festival. Will the Fowlest go off to Canada all by his lonesome, or will the dynamic duo have some misadventures out in the land of the maple leaf? This and more on the next Non-sequitus blog...(the last section was to be read as though you were the narrator from the old Batman series with Adam West. If you don't use your imagination you're only cheating yourself)

The other day a man hurt my feelings. Yeah, it seems kinda gay, but that's what happened. That's all, it just doesn't happen very often so I had to share.

In a heterosexual male-to-male phone conversation, it is inappropriate to end the phone call with "Alright sweetie, stay hood my Nyuggah"... someone please relay this to Jermaine Fowler. Don't believe his lies, he'll know what you're talking about.

Drill Sergeant: Private Baker, what are you doin' on the ground? Didn't I tell you to do some damn squat thrusts?!

Priavte Baker: Yes, Drill Sergeant but I can't breathe. I think I'm dying...

Drill Sergeant: Yo ass ain't dyin' if you lying there talking to me. If you can whine you can breathe..

Private Baker: Drill Sergeant, I'm dying..

Drill Sergeant: THEN YOU'LL SQUAT THRUST UNTIL YOU DAMN DIE!!!!

That's one of my favorite memories from Basic Training

So, where do we go from here? commentary on the DC Area comedy scene? Perhaps dishing gossip or slinging S#!t? No, let's talk of hope. Let's talk about happy, let's talk about smiles and penguin suicide... in other words the things that bring a smile to our faces. Here's my three happy things, feel free to tell me yours:

-Nelson Harlem shaking for 29 minutes straight while I'm attempting to watch the Office

-The way a Miller Lite sings to you when you take the top off... straight sex

-The thought of a man running naked while relieving himself... with hurdles(that one always gets me, now everyone in the office is wondering why I'm laughing hysterically at my assignments)

Well everyone, one more day and the weekend is almost here again. Don't let today be "Just another day", get out there and commit a crime. I need some decent news to read about tomorrow.

Laters

Mr. Nelson Goes to TNA: Destination X

Apparently, I'm no funny. So... here's someone that might be. And, the wrestlers he photographed

If you want something done right, you have to stay strapped

Hey everybody, it's Friday and really don't have S#!t for ya... but love and a bucket full of pennies. (Huh?) I heard the funniest put down on an episode of Frisky Dingo last night "You know, you are like a bad penny" it tickled me in ways that are inappropriate to speak of at work. That along with a lot of Miller Lite were my Hersday night... yeah, I called it that. Does that make more sense when a club refers to a night of the week like that? cause I think I'm done with the word Thursday.

If a woman seems interested in you and has an 18 month old kid, don't pursue this woman. Based on several testimonies, I've deduced that the chances of the baby's father being around after 18 months are very realistic. Chances are that he will want your head on a stick, and that's not good for anybody... unless she's THAT fine. But chances are that she's not.

Completely unrelated to that last comment, I had a weird nightmare last night. I dreamed that this woman that I've spoken to on the third floor was a prostitute that fell in love with me, and I with her(No, I could never be with a prostitute, not even for free. Gross) But, apparently her pimp was none too pleased with that. He came into my home and beat the ever-living S#!t out of my roommates and I. Then we ran down the streets with swords and sought out revenge... then I woke up. Just a glimpse of what happens when I close my eyes at night. Prostitutes...

If took a break while writing this and found out some horrible news.... MY ____ CONNECTION IS GONE! I'll keep you informed on the ongoing search for new ______.

As it is Friday, I will keep this short and sexy, like a puma. Be safe, drink and drive the speed limit and we'll talk like this again on Monday.

Laters

I dabble...

If you don't know who that is in the picture then you might be.... A COMMUNIST. But feast my children, this delicious trailer for The Incredible Hulk was released by Universal Pictures today and once watch it I promise you'll be salivating.

http://www.mtv.com/overdrive/?id=1583143&vid=215625

I'd have said wet, but that seems inappropriate at work... but I guess I've crossed that line now haven't I. Take all you can eat, but EAT all you take.

Went to Wiseacres yesterday... yep.

Since I didn't get up at Wiseacres it gave me the opportunity to pick up No Country for Old Men on the way home. Let's not pretend that the world hasn't been shouting it's praise from the rooftops. "It's an instant classic!" those are the words on top of the DVD cover art, truer words were never spoken. All day I heard people say that the movie was incredible and then followed it with "the ending sucked, you won't believe it" which made me go in expecting The Departed all over again(which I also loved). But, how wrong I was. I loved everything about the movie and the end isn't given it's due. Perhaps rather than trying to think of it as an extremely death filled game of cat and mouse, try thinking of it as a story that Tommy Lee Jones character is telling you on a porch. Because if you focus on the narration of the film, the ending seems to fit, I guess everyone expected some type of apocalyptic bomb/ old fashioned western shoot out in the middle of the street(even though you got your wish at one point). The killer is, right behind the Joker, now my favorite villain in any movie. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I woke up a few times thinking about him blowing the lock through the door and shooting me with that silenced shotgun. He was lightning quick with that combination, he did it like every 10 minutes, if not more. Much credit goes to the entire cast of that movie, it was easily the best movie I've seen in a long time, now all I need to see is There will be blood so I can compare. "They always say that (what) They always say You don't have to do this. (you don't, you're a sick f@ck)..." How could anyone not love that movie. 10 stars out of 4.

What else is new? Tomorrow if anyone is in the Northern Va. area there is the monthly showcase at Brittany's (I here that TRich should be on that list somewhere). Haven't been in there, for comedy, yet so I'm hoping that it will be as much fun as people have said.

Did anyone check out that prostitute from the scandal in NY... GOD. I thought they were reporting on yet another missing white woman. I don't know about $80 grand, but if you can afford a Bentley, why would you ever go back to Kia. Good on ya ex-Governor Spitzer. Good on ya... Damn she was fine.

Gotta get back to work, but remember "Hustle for death, no heaven for a gangsta"- Lupe Fiasco
That line is cold as S#!t to me.

Laters

And I did all that without any pants...

Congratys to Jessie Thomas aka "the man who literally lit a girl's hair on fire last weekend and had friends stand up for him" for winning last night, it was a great show(even though the crowd was silent like they were witnessing an execution. Though I hate competitions, I must say that I enjoyed the S#!t out of hosting last night. Something about being in the loop and knowing the winner before everyone else.... joygasm. And, there was absolutely nothing riding on my performance so I had fun and got some points and chuckles. And, to make things a little better for ol' TRich, the crew from Comcast needed me to do twice the time after the competition was over so they could get some shots of laughter from the crowd. They told me that I could stand there and say "Laugh people" and explain what was going on, or I could tell jokes. Looking back, I really wish I'd stood there for 15 minutes saying "Laugh"... hind sight is 20/20. And of course, "Big Ups to Odyssey Michaels aka O Boogey... but don't ever call him that. He's muscular.

Something is different, I don't know when it happened. But, now when I speak to people (comedy related) I don't feel like I used to. I feel confident and yesterday, while driving to Richmond, I called a club that I've called literally hundreds of times. I spoke to a woman that I've spoken to before, who never really seemed to care for me, or what I was selling. But, eventually all that persistence pays off I guess. We have a jovial conversation for much longer than we've ever spoken and in the end hung up like we were old friends. For a lot of comics this might seem like "the usual", for me it was a sign of some type of change in the past couple of years. I really need to start putting my schedule up on MySpace. But I won't.

My mother told me that my comedy was "not for her", then told me that she still likes Eddie Murphy's movies.... yep, Mom's been discredited.

I still haven't purchased No Country for Old Men, I know it's only been out for a day but "I wants it"!

Tonight I am gonna get some much needed sleep, right after I watch (please refer to the last random note) Thank You- Staff

I love being the new guy when the entire fifth floor is filled with beautiful young women. Speaking of which, "Are there any women out there that do NOT have children?" Damnit

Til' tomorrow, I'm TRichardson and you've been sextacular.... mmmm

Laters (Sorry this one was a little random Tony, tomorrow is another day)

A short blog: Shlog or Bhorg?!

Well, TNA's Destination X was the S#!t. No chance that I'll ever go to something like that and not sit ringside after that experience. I think Nelson had a good time too, since he spent about 50 bucks more than I did. I'll have to remember to post some of the the HUNDREDS of pictures that were taken. And does Mary make going to a wrestling event more exciting? S#!t YEAH!!!

Spy Lounge was crazy last night, thank you to everyone that showed up and hopefully we can continue to have an environment like that. Not for Eli and I, but so that you guys can continue to have two open mics to work on your material on Monday nights. Give yourselves a great big pat on the back. Let's do it again next Monday.

I'll be at the Richmond Funnybone tonight hosting the Clash of the Comics. Big ups to Richmond. I get to see the "Great" Bird Knight, Jesse "the man", Travis and all the comics that I've grown so fond of lately. I'm sure it's gonna be a terrific show.

R.I.P. Maggie... if you were ever lucky enough to speak with her, then you would know she was one of the nicest people you would ever want to meet.

Laters

Tear drops....

Today I'm feeling a little melancholy since it's my last day in my section. The year has past so fast I'm looking back and finding that there were a lot more memories of laughter then I thought. I guess that's how everything is when it's time to say goodbye though. It's the happiest sad that I can remember in a long time. Luckily, I don't keep a lot of crap at my desk(photos, plants, knick-knacks) so it was a pretty short clean up of my cube. But when it came time to throw away random junk I'd hidden in my desk, it hit, I'm leaving. These supervisors saved me, literally, from a life that I didn't deserve and clawed to break free of. And, not to get to mushy but.... there's an ice cream sundae social downstairs at 2 and I'm pretty wet about that. (God, did he just say he was wet? Ugh) But, I was thinking about this last night so today's blog will be one of remembering. If it makes you think of someone that you miss but can't say anything to, then I'm glad I could remind you.

I'd like to take you back to June 2001, a group of friends and I were at Kings Dominion the day after our prom, cause that's what the cool kids did. It was Nelson, my friend Mike, my date Katie Southard and me. As soon as we got to the park Mike shouts "Permanent riding buddies!" and grabs me. What could I do, but look Katie in the eyes and explain "Well, he did call it, sorry Katie". One of the first stops we made was to get advance tickets to the Volcano, since for some reason a decade after it's up it STILL has the longest line in the park. We hit up every ride in the park before our tickets were ready to be used. It was pretty funny to watch as Katie rode with Nelson all day, since she really(REALLY) didn't want to ride with him... and I was her date. Just to knock this out, no I'm not gay, but I was still emotionally fixated on another girl that wasn't really giving me my due. So the time comes to go to the Volcano and redeem those tix... or so we thought. Nelson, bless his Asian heart, lost his ticket somehow. Which leaves three people and we all know someone is riding alone. All day I rode with Mike and Katie was not about to ride alone on this one. So, we wait for our turn... no one is speaking cause we don't know what we're gonna do about riding buddies at the moment. A man makes his way through the crowd of people waiting and says there is room for two on the ride before our tickets were due. He looks straight into my eyes and says "You, who you with? Him or her?" I look at Katie(dramatic pause) "It's me and him" the only thing I could hear Katie yell out as Mike and I laughed our way through the crowd of people to get on the ride was "Deaven you Asshole!" and I yelled back "Sorry Katie" Then we laughed the entire length of the ride. We kicked our feet like excited children and coined it "The Southard Shuffle" since she was unable to actually ride the Volcano that day. She did not want to ride after we were done. She was pretty pissed at me. I didn't see Katie again for another 8 months or so, but when she did run into Mike and I, her words were "what's up Asshole" sarcastically but she still clearly had not forgotten about the Southard shuffle. Neither did I, it's still funny to me looking back on that day. In 2004, Kathryn Southard was in a car accident that claimed her life. She was one of the most beautiful people I've ever met, and one of those women that you take home to mom. I never really got to apologize and mean it, but I'm sure that if I ran into her again it wouldn't have mattered... she was good people. I think about her, as well as a few other close friends that I had that have past away. Chances are when you die, you probably could care less if the people you knew are still thinking of you. But, in case they ever get bored and take a look, I'd like them to know that when the day slows down I'm still grateful to have known them.

I hope to see some familiar faces at the Arlington Cinema N' Drafthouse and the Hyatt on Saturday night, and then on Sunday it's TNA's Destination X pay-per-view!!!! And good luck to all the participants in the Clash of the Comics next Tuesday at the Richmond Funnybone(I'm hosting)

Have a great, safe, and definitely hazy weekend everybody!!!

Laters

"You look sharp"- Dikembe Mutombo

Had a great time last night at Fairfax Inova Hospital. Miller, Blejer, Richardson, Nancherla, Pillalamarri, Lehyani... Oh we rocked that mutha. And had a lot of laughs, daps were given all around, and I learned that if you mess up a reality show on NBC you better be prepared to write a check for $100,000.00 "F*ck me". Last night was the first time since I first started that I got a little lost. I know where the hospital is since I work about 8 minutes down the road, but once I was there I might as well have been in France. Directions meant nothing because everything on the paper might as well have been in that font where all the letters turn into pictures of Greeks making supper or something. I think we've all seen this font when playing around with Word as children. And, all that you wanted was the Grand Theft Auto font... right? yeah.

Everyone congratulate the Fowlest (Jermaine Fowler... by now you should know) for getting into FunnyFest up in Calgary. I find out on Monday if I get to accompany him out there in May for awhile. Some body's got to keep that boy in check, he's liable to go out there and fall into a bad crowd. He could start prank calling people for fun, watching friends sell drugs to children, or worst of all... he might not try any of (from what I hear) that sweet SWEET Cheeba. Mmm mmm, I gotta go Jesus. But seriously, give him a tap on the buttocks... you know he'd do it for you.

For Erin:

The Scientist:

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry

You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you, tell you I need you

Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions

Oh lets go back to the start

Running in circles, coming up tails

Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy

Oh its such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said that it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures

Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science, science and progress

Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me

Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles, chasing our tails

Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy

Oh its such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

My comedy doens't suck, or swall...oh, I get it.

Yesterday I had one of the best days a man could ask for. Got my tax return, had a class that let me out around 1:30 pm, attractive females in said class(B*tch holla!), Had an e-mail/phone conversation that could change my life(don't want to jinx this one so I'll be patient with it... c'mon May) and there was still plenty of that sweet sticky to go around when I got home. All on a Tuesday, who would have thought. If only I hadn't fallen asleep so early. Holy crap, that scene in Beowulf where you see a nude-ish Angelina Jolie never seems to stop taking my attention... thanks God they let me watch my iPod at work. Boosh!

Tonight I join a group of comics bringing funny to the children at Fairfax Inova hospital. My sister was born there, ah, memories. May I be as clean as Hampton... cause apparently he's keeping it clean for the kiddies. So why the f@ck can't I?!!

Nelson has turned a female friend into something more I think. Spent a day going to museums and then come home to watch some movies and snuggle up... I'm so happy for him. Lord know that I wrote him off as gay, and I wish that when he finally gets her to un-ass some of that chute, I could open the door and have a high five waiting there for him. Not that he would need it, but just in case his abs(what abs?!) or back started to hurt whilst mid stroke, he'd see the hand and pound it(the hand) knowing that I was cheering him on. I only hope the hand is clean of... woman spunk before he high fives me. Woman spunk

What sucks most about being friends with females? Hearing about the horrible people they screw and how little it took for others to sleep with them. And one day I'm gonna marry one of these animals... if only there were some option other than being gay. Oh how I wish...

If anyone thinks of any topics that are even remotely related to college, please let me know. I need 5-10 minutes of something to do with college in the worst way. There's a kid being held against his will in an old shoe, HIS life depends on it. Okay, that was a lie, but you still need to think of a joke for me.

And just in case it's been a while since you kissed the sky:

Excert from Tha King by T.I.:

I'm king of the south now, but theres fifty states

Cause I'ma spread out and I'll eliminate who in the way

I'm 24 today, give me til I'm 28

I'll be ruler of all that I survey and not just in the state

See I bend just to win, but I ain't finna break

Most you niggas fake, and I'll say it in ya face

Laters

Monday again... kill me

Well that weekend went by with lightning speed didn't it? BS... I blinked and it was time to prepare my clothes for today. Sadness, but at least this week is easy since I start my new position next Monday.

For any wrestling fans, I'm going to TNA's Destination X on Sunday and looking very forward to it. I haven't really watched wrestling in the past couple of years, but this will be the second pay per view that I've attended except this time I'll be ringside. When Nelson and I went to Summerslam a few years back we were in the nose bleed section, though you could see the 8 feet tall wrestlers very well even up there. Now, we're gonna be right there talking trash and high fivin' 580 lb. men in too small shirts. Expect pictures cause it will be quite a scene. You know you're surrounded by your own whenever you walk in somewhere and people just start shouting "Woooo!"(Ric Flair style)... ah, just makes you feel at home doesn't it. Yeah it does.

I got Beowulf on Friday and can I just say... Amazing. We are all very aware of the story, though some of us never read about him fighting a dragon. Sucked me in, the only true disappointment was that there was no 3D glasses with it. You can tell how great some scenes were when they had them in 3D in the theaters. Maybe Riding with Strangers (my friends and I making stupid videos) will find some respectable way to perform Beowulf for you all ala Be Kind Rewind. Time will tell...

Am I the only single person left without a child.... WTF!?

I know that I didn't blog on Friday about how Thursday night went, so let me just say that I'll be back at the Va Beach Funnybone very soon. So it went very well and the management and staff down there were terrific. The only bad thing about the trip was having to use the bathroom as soon as I parked. There is an abundance of free public parking but then they get you with "No public bathrooms" , and the club wasn't open to the public so I decided to wait rather than sit in the green room for 4 hours... I was a little early. I walked the strip for a while and found that my casual need to go to the bathroom (#1) had turned into a countdown. I spotted a port-a-john... yeah. With phone on my shoulder I stepped in, muted the conversation I was having, then began a very hard experience. You could see everything, to this day I have never pooed in of those things cause you can see everyone else's business. Even though it's 4 or 5 feet (I hope) down, I'm always afraid that splash back from urine will make some hop out onto my jeans or worse... my shoes. And with all that going through my mind I struggled to hold onto my phone cause if it dropped it's lost to me. I wouldn't have cared if it dropped onto my shoe, that phone is dead to me. For those familiar with SuperBad, the cramped space was decorated like Jonah Hill's character went Dick-crazy in there. I counted like 30 of them and feces that had been put on the walls... uncomfortable. Then it was over. And for a Thursday night show with no headliners, the room was almost a capacity so I was very excited. Great time, see you in May Va Beach, dream of me...

For those that didn't receive Curt Shackelford's email, it APPEARS as though he might be done with rooms. I could have read it wrong since I was pretty trashed all weekend, but I believe he said that there are only a few more weeks of booking Topaz/Hyatt since the Hyatt is ending I guess. It's weird to me since I remember when I first started Comedy Spot/Dremos/Topaz/(followed by) Hyatt were all doing so great. Now, only a couple of years later, the scene is dominated by comic run shows. Which is cool, just makes me reminisce about those days. Hopefully something good will pan out and "the man with the silver tie" will find some other room to profit from and stack audience members into so we may rock. What's the DC comedy scene without a little Estrada magic(hope you got that line)?

Okay, I think I'm gonna make this short today and just hope to see as many of you guys as possible tonight at the Spy Lounge. It's gonna be fun, special guest :Jesus Christ?! w/ ultra Ninja kicks and new and improved "Kung fu Grip"... oh S#!t

Laters

To the beach James, and do it... sexy

I'm excited for a few reasons today:

1. Get to use some leave and get out of work at 1:30


2. Quality time in the car jammin' and probably watching Superbad


3. Going to a new club for the first time

Hopefully, Va Beach Funnybone is kind and full of people that love to hand out high fives. That's the perfect atmosphere for a young swede like myself. "Your Swedish?" Nope, but when I dream I only see myself as a young man dancing on the hills... and making out with that lady from the Sound of Music. But, that's a story for my psychologist's ears and not yours. Moving on...

My boss gave me the best good morning ever since he thought tomorrow was my last day in my current position. Seemed a little down when I corrected him with "Oh, actually next Friday is my last day", then there was a slip up on words. I said "Yeah, I'm gonna have a Snickers" he said "I'm sorry what was that?" I repeat "Snickers, that's how I celebrate everything". Yet again, he seemed a little down... I wonder what he thought I said instead of Snickers? (Strippers, Stickers, Smuckers... hmmm)

To anyone that woke up before 6 am this morning, I feel your pain. But a little secret from me to you, if you sleep at just the right times in your commute you'll catch up on that extra hour. Just remember to open your eyes when coming to a light and when you squint, make sure that you keep one eye on the brake lights ahead of you. But careful, my momma's out there in traffic too.

Ever heard a man who is (horribly) disabled tell a 9/11 joke? I have, and I immediately lost all sympathy for his plight. Not cause I cared about 9/11 (though I did tear up, A LOT, while watching World Trade Center last week) but because he proved that he had a black heart just like me. Before he spoke I was under the impression that most of his thought revolved around hope, equality and acceptance... proved me wrong though. Touche' Mr. Crazy Legs, touche.

Be nice to your grandmothers cause one day she'll do your taxes. And if you're not nice to her she'll send them out without your signature on them or your direct deposit information. Then you'll have to wait for 20 to 28 days AFTER the IRS has received it to expect them to mail you a check. I'm not that old so I've never filed what might as well be called "Paper Filing" but I imagine this is exactly what the early 90's were like... Hell. So tell Granny that you love her, and not to f@ck you on your taxes.

I want to put a banzai tree at my new desk but if I ever saw someone walk up and touch it I would flip out and touch their face.

Ugly people do not make beautiful children, someone has to bring something to the table. Almost everyday I look behind me at this woman's pictures, and oh my is she proud, and I make a face every time. One of them, whom I loath, does work with me. But, they are the definition of one of the 1,000 reasons I don't want daughters: "Aw, you look just like your Dad" those are words that no female should hear, but I'm willing to bet they are very familiar with that saying. By the way, the Dad looks like he's done a stretch in Rikers. Yeah.

This morning the first words I heard before I could turn on a television were "Hey, you got a plunger?"- Kevin

I'll type for a little tomorrow and hopefully I'll have nothing but good vibrations. Laters

Two blogs for the price of...wait these are free. S#!t

Okay, I got a little busy with "work" yesterday so here is what I missed and today's:

Tuesday's Blog of Strength: Last night was cool, seems like we can either have a lot of comics at the Spy Lounge or we can have some audience members. One day the two shall meet and OOOOHHHH! that's gonna be nice. One thing that everyone says is important and I have always hated is hosting an open mic. You'll feel like a dick if you yell "Hey shut up in the back and let's have some comedy... $#!t." But, if you do nothing then people slowly start sliding you an eye like "Shut them the f@ck up... $#!t." If I only I had a robotic arm, then they'd fall in line... or die by handshake. (insert evil orgasmic laughter here) That's nice.

Atif... there's a topic. Moving on.

Today I'm sitting in my cube of shame with a "Slave Fro", I referred to someone bringing that back in style last night(look up a little) and then I feel asleep without a du-rag on. My hair is a little to long at the moment to just crawl in bed and jump out to go to work. Why didn't I wake up earlier? "A n*gga was tired as $#!t this morning" Why don't you get a hair cut "To avoid ignorant banter about Barack Obama(love Hayword's new bit) "How's your leg? "A little cramped, thanks for asking" (Sorry, I got off topic. I like asking myself questions.)

Well it's been confirmed Taye Diggs is gay. No, he's not.... that was pure jealousy.
end.

Wednesday's blog, which should turn you on... then off: Well it's nice to see we're all caught up. I'm trying to relax today and get some good cubicle sleep so I'll be alert for my drive tomorrow. Internal promotions are a lot easier on the employee than regularly quitting a job, but there are still odd instances where you feel like you're quitting. I was in a meeting last week where a few new policies were discussed and some housekeeping rules were laid out on paper. fortunately I'm just about out of here so I sat and laughed to myself. The laugh of a man who has spent 3 years on the grill and just found out that he got a job outside of Mc-e-D's, there's a little (rhymes with joygasm) in that laugh. And, when he feels he's laughed long enough he goes to the bathroom to skim the scum from his BVD's.... lot of laughter in them draws. And, don't act like that wasn't a long way to go for a S#!t joke... cause it was. Sorry

We're gonna have a BLACK president. Yes.

If you haven't seen Gone Baby Gone, do.

Ways I could die happy:

1. Smothered in boob


2. Collapsing after swearing at a mime


3. Exhaustion from slapping a flesh covered robot... Nelson


4. Choking on anything from Wendy's


5. High fiving Barack Obama, while he's assassinated


6. Mauled by Sasquatch after selling his picture, in my mansion


7. Stabbed while stabbing a Furry


8. (insert random joke about being in U of Illinois whilst killer came through door... it's too soon)


9. Watching a clown beg for his family's lives. Then killing me when I killed them anyway.


10. In a battle for Dragonballs


11. Being any important character on 24, that show is to be worshipped


12. Shot while watching 6'7 jail-looking black man "Crank dat Soulja Boy"

Okay, well it's time for me to resume the workday. I'll try to think of something worthwhile, like freedom, to write about tomorrow... but probably won't.

Laters

Today smells new.... like a sneaker

So, what's new with everyone?
Nothing but good things I hope.
Last night I had dreams of fighting my father.... what the h does that mean?! Oh well, I carry keys for situations just like those. I'm strapped BIA7ch!

Another reminder: Gears of War 2 is coming November 2008!!!!
<--------

Thursday I hit the road to visit the Va Beach Funnybone. Should be fun, I better get a couple new records downloaded cause that drive is serious. I got a special feeling that was new to me on Saturday, a GM calling me. Never really happened, most times a message has been relayed to me via someone else. I hope to keep writing good stuff so that I can hold onto that kinda phone call. I won't say exactly what type of dance I might have mini-done when I realized who was on the phone, but...




Is anyone else really craving No Country for Old Men? I can't wait to see this, though I can admit some of it was due to the Academy Awards, it's mostly due to everyone I trust or relate to saying "That's a bad Muthaf@cker!!!"- The Fowlest(Jermaine)

On a completely unrelated note.... "Shut up Jermaine". He likes that kinda talk

Apparently Ike's is canceled today, so Eli and I would love to see as many comics as possible tonight. To make it sound better "It's an extravaganza!!!" there, now come. And bring stomach for beer and punch and pie. Cause I said so.

What is with females that you treat like garbage, they just get more attracted to you. Trips me out, but I guess that's something I'm not supposed to understand... cause of my (rhymes with Venus). Oh well, at least my dog is always blunt about what he wants( to piss everywhere ).

NELSON had a female over on Saturday night. I was so proud that even if I hadn't just finished taking out the trash and cleaning up, I would have. One day I'm going to figure out exactly what song makes women lose all inhibition and un-ass some of that chute. I'll tell you this, it's not in Guitar Hero 3 or Rock Band. In fact those games, when played with your tongue out and sweat dripping from your face, are known to cause the exact opposite effect. Men gather around to praise your mastery of the plastic guitar and you high five and bump chest til' someone accidentally kisses you. And no, we did not play any games in front of her. Kevin and I made an exit stage left as to leave young Nelson-ovich to his devices. I hope he knows it ain't no fun if the homies can't have none... yeah, he knows(choo- choo) :)

"Get inside guys, there's a $#!t storm comin'!"- Randy Quaid

It's that special time of the week when we say goodbye to showering, stop brushing our teeth and let a good weekend funk sit in til Monday morning. Right? (echo echo ) S#!t I've said too much... Just have a great weekend. And for crying out loud, "Someone find something to replace the Laughing Lizard showcase!".

Laters