Rice rice gravy

Not to be lude, but let me start by saying that I had a LOT of chili yesterday. When anyone has something spicy like that they think "Please God, let me go early in the morning or late afternoon. Just don't let this hit me in the middle of traffic". But, we aren't in control of that now are we. I thought I had that whole situation under my control when I went several times before I left home. Nothing was really happening but I thought I'd take care of any initial wave before I went and jumped in the car. How wrong I was to try and predict the unpredictable. So, long story short, I had a terrible drive through traffic. I began to toy with the idea of just giving up and walking in and working with an accident(get it). Then one of my supervisors is bound to get informed that there is someone in their team that smells like S#!t, and they'll ask me to leave without making me use any of my leave hours... right? Ah, to dream.

The Fowlest put me on to this new video, can't really describe it since I'm at work but if you want in on the magic, e-mail me at devohaven@gmail.com.... it's definitely worth it. India!

I did not watch the Grammys but couldn't help but see pictures of Aretha Franklin.... S#!t. Sleeves woman, Jesus.

My Granmama told me that she has arthritis yesterday. Now I have two missions in life: 1) Find a cure for arthritis, cause that's my grams. 2) Make her prepare a cookbook before her hands become completely useless. I can't live without her chili and gumbo. What type of life is that?!

Watching Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is not the same when you're sober.... that is all.

If there is anything that's more awkward than being at a friend's house when they are in an argument, then it would definitely be seeing their old dog with asthma almost die right in front of you. I happened to be dominating someone in Wii Tennis when I panicked thinking this old beagle was gonna kick the bucket right next to me. Good news is: I still spanked that @$$... and the dog lived. Win, win.

For some reason if you search 10000bc.com I am the only thing that comes up that isn't encrypted non-sense. Hurray for English speaking neandrathals... I'm still not gonna see that crap though.

And you know what, since I'm pleasing the masses, all the Koreans that come to this everyday looking for lyrics to My, My, My by Johnny Gil(I don't know why it's in such heavy rotation in Korea but, for over a year several come everyday and are disappointed... NO LONGER. DRINK KOREANS, DRINK!)

So good

My, my my my

You look so sweet

Listen

Put on your red dress, and slip on your high heels

And some of that sweet perfume

It sure smells good on you

Slide on your lipstick

And let all your hair down

Cause baby when you get through

I'm gonna show off you

Tonight will be a special night

No matter where we go

And I'm so proud to be with you

I just wanna let you know

Chorus 1:You got me sayin my my my

My my my my

You sure look good tonight

And you're so damn fine

I wanna say my my my

My my my my

You sure look good tonight

After all this time

Slip on your night gown

Step in our bedroom

First I wanna take some time

I just wanna look at you

Girl you are so fine, I can't believe my eyes

And all that I wanna do

I wanna make love to you

Tonight will be a special night

Of many more to come

And I'm so proud to be with you

So proud to share your love

Chorus 2:My my my

My my my my

You sure look good tonight

My my my

My my my my

You sure look good tonight

I wanna say my my my my my, my my my my my

My my, my my

Make love all night long

Make love until the break of dawn

Come on, come on

Sweet little thing, yes you do

Yes you do, you do...

And I'm so proud to be with you

So proud to share your love

{Chorus 2}I wanna love you

I wanna love you in every way, every way

Let me

Let me show you how sweet it's gonna be

I wanna show you things that you never

You never never ever seen before

Put your night gown on

Let your hair hang low

Step in our room, I'm in the mood

To love you all night long

You got me sayin my my my my...

{Chorus 2} (repeat til end)See all you got to do, all you got to do

Say that you'll be mine, all mine, all mine...

You'll be all mine tonight baby

Let me, let me show you how sweet it's gonna be

My my my my my...

There, now everybody's happy... Laters

P.S.- See you at the Spy Lounge

"My cheeks clinched, but there were no screams"

Driver

Photo courtesy of Melissa Lee

Okay, it has been a little while but I'm back. I haven't gotten out much in the past few weeks because of my car and the strange noises that my brakes were making. With that said, I can now get back on stages without fear of getting stranded or in a life threatening accident. Now as for my week: Tuesday- OH, we'll get to that. Wednesday- Chillaxed at home, I never blog from there. Too busy with something else. Thursday- In a development class, nowhere near my cuby. Which leads us up to today. In one week I get my fat f@ck!ng bonus and the tax return is still on the way. Ah, what a lovely time of year it is. And next week I interview for a J.O.B at my company for more money. If my dog would learn to cook for himself(and his master) I can't imagine how life could get any better. Let's talk about Tuesday...

(I think I'm gonna do this whole story in short sentences... yep) Leaving work, feeling great. Headed down route 123. Coming to a red. That Mustang just cut me off. Looks new, I should brake. Not braking. Swerve left and go to church. Try to stop, breathe. Call auto shop. I can make it. No, I can't. Call Josh. Shouldn't chat with no brakes. Hang up. Look up. Both lanes stopped but light is green. I'm doing 50 easy. Sidewalk, right tires. Bump... went over median. White guy next to me is giving a thumbs up(I'm dead serious). Pull into parking lot. Apply E-Brake. Look back at situation. S#!t !

Well, get out there and enjoy your weekend. We'll talk on Monday, and I'll actually be at the Spy Lounge on Monday... What?!

Laters

Strangers with Candy

Yesterday was a pretty interesting day. I met an old man while walking around. This particular old man is white. But that's got very little to do with our story. His name escapes me at the moment but for the sake of fun, let's call him Jake. Every Friday or so, Jake will come by the place I work and sell massive pastries and things for next to nothing. And, it's delicious! He takes all this money, cause you better believe the fat people know to keep an eye out for him, to a charity and keeps enough to buy more ingredients. If that ain't respectable then I don't want to know what is.

Yesterday I walked Kevin to his car, cause he'd just wrapped up an interview. We had been kicking around the complex and seen Jake and the security people talking earlier. While I attempted to sneak in a side door without do a "stop and chat", I got caught. So there I am, pulled outside like a 8th grader that can't stop talking through class. Once outside, he told me to pick something. I'd never eaten any of his food, despite everyone comparing it to heroin.... Why do they have that frame of reference? I went with a safe bet, THE GI-HUGE-ON BROWNIE... with nuts. I was flattered that he would just give a stranger a free anything, so then the small talk begins.

He asked me where Kevin was, though I think it was put more like "Where'd your white buddy go?" I explained that he went home and just had an interview, and that it would be cool working together since we're roommates. He replies, "Yeah my partner and I started off working together, come to think of it we been together for 29 years now.... You gay?" I responded with the most non-homo phobic "no" that I could get out. So, then this man, who is an easy 65 really let me peek into the window of his mind. From there he eyed me up like a young stake. And, I gotta be honest, I felt like an attractive female that getting hit on by her boss. I didn't move and couldn't scream but in my mind I was restless.

Well, from that question forward, whenever I'd change the subject he'd change it right back to gay. "You see Transformers?" "YES... and I'm gay" But, I'm good on my feet so we played that game for a while. When the topic of me having a girlfriend came up all I could think was, "Wow, this guy is really trying to use Game on me". It was surreal being on the opposite end. I counted about 7 "You're an attractive man"s and he even let me know what he was into. So, at some point he was discussing massaging another man's feet. Apparently he's quite good and the other man went from trading sweets for foot rubs, to... well McSex(does the Mc make anyone else smile too?) Luckily, I didn't even have to end that part of the conversation because an Asian man walked up to buy something and he basically drooled right next to me. He watched him walk away after making a couple of sentences, then he turned to me and said "I like him... Mmmm, I love a good looking man. Right?" I had already told him I wasn't gay, so all I could think of to say was "What's not to like... except I mean, for the opposite side though." Not the best sentence, but we do what we can on the spot, right?

To end this story, a lesson that I learned:

There have been times when I thought the people that get kidnapped or raped might have brought it upon themselves. I have looked at their situations and said, "I would have..." but folks when it came right down to it... I took the candy.

A Pic says 999 words...

Pretty sleepy today: Here is what I meant to put up on Friday.... had to wait for that picture.

It's a beautiful rainy day and live is beautiful. Don't really have much to say cause it's Friday but as soon as this picture that I took with the GEICO gecko(from the area commercials where it's a guy in the suit) are available, believe that I'm throwing that up here. And it is definetly a black guy in the suit, cause when my friend went to take his picture he threw "peace up" and lizard didn't even think... "A town down". He even dapped up Charlie before he was able to react. That's a down @$$ lizard. Laters everyone...

Poetry from Charlie Rutherford

I blanked for a decent blog, but did write some new jokes that should be tasty. So with that said enjoy two poems from Charlie Rutherford(if you read this nonsense I call a blog, then you should know who he is), I just found out he wrote poetry like 10 minutes ago....

Why Wonder?

Why wonder?
How beautiful this sky looks,

When I stare back it looks beautiful,

A sweet breeze became a notice,

As the world tasted it's scent.

The plains were more than plain,

And it rained moisture,

Cause the salt was hard to explain.

Under cluttered melodies,

Shadows find themselves one with the trees,

The sunlight was noisy,

In respects to being bright in comparison,

With,

Dress attire.

Darkness came,

But the atmosphere would yeild to retire,

Under a beautiful sky,

Would you?
Charlie Frank Rutherford

An evening with you

These eyes met some that weren't theirs,

And without a blink,

A pupil sits without the knowledge of chairs.

These beings conversated,

And without a word,

With each other,

They became heavily infatuated.

Stares seemed to hold their own dialect,

And without a moment,

Spouted moisture pellets,

So then a hand became a suspect.

A warm passed,

And what passed was a warm,

Without the calm,

A wet face brought such a quiet storm.

And it was here where these eyes met,

And these stares possessed their own dialect,

And a hand became a suspect,

That a love was born,

And what laid slain was regret.

Copyright ©2008 Charlie Frank Rutherford

Well, I'll get back at ya'll tomorries, Laters....

Jump in blog, tomorrow new blog

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watchin' the puddles gather rain
And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
and speak my point of view But it's not sane,
It's not sane
I just want some one to say to me
I'll always be there when you wake
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made
And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there's no rain
And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape escape......escape......escape......
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
ya don't like my point of view ya think I'm insane
Its not sane......it's not sane

Friday

Today I was walking with a female and out of nowhere she scratched her face. But when she scratched, it sounded like Clint Eastwood scratching his face as "the man with no name". Attraction dead... Have a great weekend everybody!

Laters

Two days of blogging since I forgot...

Hump day everybody! Gotta love short work weeks, shame that we won't see one again for some time. I went downstairs and bought a MILD Slim Jim.... needless to say the reason it was only MILD was because it lacked love. It was like kissing someone when you want to be kissing someone else. Shame on you Slim Jim.

I'm sure that we all heard the horrible news that Heath Ledger is dead. I'm not gonna pretend that I knew him and I'm sad, but damnit. That's the Joker... yeah I'm selfish like that. My first words when I found out(after the disbelief) were "Well thank God they finished shooting that movie a couple months ago. But now who's gonna play the Joker in the next one?!" We'll wait and see about that one. It does suck that right at what was to be the best time in his career he was snatched. Note to self: Do Not Take Sleeping Pills!

Time for me to get a shape-up/haircut or something... Charlie is making me look bad. Unacceptable.

"Lovers call him king haters call him clown

He would say bite me thats the way its going down

He was having thoughts that maybe he should retire

Went to church on sunday and saw a Friar

Said he had beef and people want him dead

He loved the hungry ones was only scared of affairs

He lived the fast life couldnt get his path right

Friar just told him bout the hooters that he had last night

Turned himself in to the pattywagon, said no

Bacon wouldnt take him half the pigs on the payroll"

- Lupe Fiasco

Mmmm Mmm Mmmm! That man is bad. My hero. I made it home in about 40 minutes yesterday. I'm aware that had nothing to do with Lupe, but I'm still pretty f**kin' stoked about it. So.... yep.

(Now we start blogging fresh for today... I forgot to publish post yesterday)
Let me start off this festive day by saying that I got pulled over this morning and ticketed for not having my seat belt on. I can't even really be angry at that, but it happened and it made me late to work today. Plus I was choking back a wicked S#it the whole time I was in traffic, including waiting 15 minutes for him to make sure I didn't have any warrants out for my arrest. But luckily there was only one cop car.

I saw a preview for the movie "10,000 BC"... I really don't know what to say. If you have time I invite you to view it for yourself, here you go http://www.10000bc.com/ all that I will say is that they speak perfect English... so... yep.

I never thought I would see the day that I subscribe to multiple services from Equifax, but I'm an old man now. I think one of my happiest moments was correcting them and getting the letter "We f*cked up, sorry" but yeah, it was sweet. And I bought another service from them today too. I don't understand why people wouldn't want to know their score, cause almost every product offered is just your credit "report", then comes the rape when they ask you for way more money just to see your number. Dog$#it!

Watched Snatch last night.... sometimes you just don't know what you're missing until it shows up again. It's still just as good as it was the first time I saw it. "Guy Ritchie, come back and make films like Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch!.... but not that Madonna movie." There, now I feel good.

When did Pauly Shore stop making movies? I still find him hilarious darnit. (Making weasel sounds at my cubicle in his memory)

Look out!
Millions of peaches
peaches for me
Millions of peaches
peaches for free
Millions of peaches
peaches for me
Millions of peaches
peaches for free

Laters...

An ode to spanish hold music...

Titles mean nothing, so let's just enjoy that one for a second shall we? Good. It was one of those rare weekends for me where I sat there and did nothing for way too long. I found out on Friday at 2:30 pm that Monday was a holiday... oh it was sweet like Taffy. I did all of the things that I said I would do on Friday(3 buckets o' Hot Wings from KFC, Stu's house, Miller Lite, random car adventure with Kevin in the middle of the night) and it was good. But I got so messed up that Friday and Saturday night are basically a blur to me. With that being said, let us jump into random fun.


Out of love and respect for www.chucknorrisfacts.com here are a few of my favorites:

-Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one
-There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up
-When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever
-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate
-For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one
-Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year


Okay that was a little more than a few, but once you start reading through them to find great ones... you realize that they are all awesome in their own special ways. Picking less than 100 of them was hard enough, but I don't think that you guys should have that kind of time to read something like that. We are all at work right???

Yesterday my friend Josh said something to me that I refuse to keep for myself. I used to watch a lot of WWE wrestling. Oddly, I stopped sometime after I became single but he was trying to lure me back now that they offer it in HD. "You have got to see WWE in HD man, it was incredible, everything looks so much better!" Theo only thing I could say to that was "Yep, I can't think of any man who hasn't enjoyed a good sweaty glistened up man in High Definition...." I think he realised how gay what he said was. Tyler 1- Apparently "now" gay Josh-0

Where the hell is the snow(wintry mix)that all of the weather channels called for?!!!

Fat lady just walked by with what smells like a Spicy Bite.... fat lady's making me HUNGRY.

Without meaning for it to be so secretive, a friend at work and I are exchanging musical secrets. It is no secret that I own BOTH of Justin Timberlake's albums. Somehow it came up, probably while I was jamming on the iPod, and now a man that is almost 30 is curious "Can that kid who was in a boy band actually make good music?" Every experience I've ever had tells me that if most people like something it's probably good. I will show him the way of Justin... cause that muthaf****r make the body rock!

Well my friends, I must be going for today, but be cool everybody(Hello Erin.
Laters

The Agenda.... & Video

Okay so first off you'll find the video from the Funnybone above. I figured it's easier to watch if you don't have to go clicking everywhere... and I procrastinated on putting it on MySpace and YouTube forever. But now that it's up, please "Get you some!!!!!"

First thing when my alarm went off I had that Saturday morning feeling. So much so, that when I turned it off I went back to sleep for a second and then a little angel on my shoulder reminded me that we hadn't lived through Friday yet.... S#IT! "Wake that @SS up TRich!, F*ck is you doin!?" So, I dashed out the door after a brief laugh with my Nelson. Oh, and the dryer didn't dry my sweater all the way and that is a feeling of gross that I can't describe. But, it's new, it's sexy, and it definitely needed a wash since I threw up on it at a party a couple weeks ago. And the poor thing has just been sitting there waiting to be cleaned and seen during a casual Friday such as this. So, what is the agenda? Well, the good folks at Paramount Pictures got me. I'm curious and even though every site that has an opinion I trust says that Cloverfield sucks, I have to know what that monster looks like! It's killing me... by the way, for anyone else going to see that, the movie is 75-82 minutes in length. That's shorter than Cinderella(the animated Disney film from our youth) was. Disappointing, but you know what, as long as he kills someone and dies at the end, what else could I ask for? All week I've know what I wanted to do in preparation for this movie. I'm gonna go pick up my ol' friend Mary(wink), then I'm gonna get a shape up, then off to KFC for 3(that's right I'm driving in the stereotype-mobile) BUCKETS of Hot Wings, then off to Bloom for Mucho Cerveza(Miller Lite), and off course it's home to start the festivities with Nelson, Kevin, Andrea, Charlie, Josh and his lovely bride. Tomorrow it's back to comedy but tonight it's about good ol' fashioned non-sense, hopefully I'll make it home in time for some Rock Band before I crash out. But, there's always Saturday morning for that, it's not like I'm a douche that works out on Saturday morning(take offense to that if you wake up and work out, you're taking life a little too serious). Ah...... Fridays(as he kicks his feet up on his desk as though he were at home...but not really though, I'm at work)

Yesterday the roads were just fine when I got off work to race to an audition, but people drove about 3 miles an hour. I almost lost my mind cause not only was I late, but then I started improvising the Mapquest directions with my memory and that is always trouble. My memory is S#it folks. So, of course I lost. With the clock ticking before the company closed I called up Keith (the comedian, he's good, he says "Sup") and worked out a formula of getting lost more and then finding the right way. So I arrived with all of 9 minutes before they were supposed to close and I think my read went well. I take back what I said the other day, cause the person I spoke to on the phone(Steve) was very cool and so was Chris. Time will tell on that one, and I made it home the same time as Charlie who live close to me and came home directly from work. Gotta love it when something comes together on a good Thursday like that.

I've been listening to Hybrid Theory by Linkin Park a lot the last week. I don't know why but my soul just felt like rocking out for a while. That is all.

Well, it's that time again. My brain has run out of thing to jaw-jack about and I'm leaving for the weekend. I hope everyone is safe and makes their way back to work on Monday. Cause if you don't do your job who the F*ck will?!

Laters...

The sound of Chaos

If you ever want to see about 2,000 people break into cheers like Barack Obama just won the Presidential election, then come by my headquarters next January when they announce our annual bonus to the masses. Since I watched Braveheart this morning before leaving for work, all I could think about was someone grabbing a chair and chucking out of the window in celebration. Awesome... but I can't help but think of the next naturally funny thing that could come out of that situation. That being, if right after the President announced that, he came back on and said "Unfortunately, we will not be able to give out your PIP(bonus) this year, we're sorry". Cause when that announcement got made, a clown would come out of someone's cubicle with an AK-47 and a fistful of tears, unleashing hell on everyone within bullet range. Oh, can you beat the humor of random clown violence? Nope.

I took a walk in some of this beautiful snow a little while ago, and took a look around for a bit. Sometimes life seems so routine that I don't think we stop and check out how beautiful it is. I think snow has a great way of accentuating the beauty in all of the little things around us. Trees are brought to life, creeks and grass take new form, and the fat woman coming out of her car almost slips on her way into the back of the building(that happened... hilarious). They say that no snowflake is like any other and that makes me concentrate so hard on any one that comes into focus. I want nothing more than to prove that theory wrong, but I know that will never happen. But, the cool thing is that when I give up and finally stop focusing on one flake at a time, I notice that there are a sea of flakes dancing around me. What more could you ask for out of weather that most would call inclement. Who doesn't get filled with memories of childhood when they see a day like today? My favorite snow memory has got to be when I was in the 4th grade. My friend Gatumbi and I were playing over near this giant creek in Alexandria right across from Landmark mall... or what they are calling Landmark Mall. While we were playing I noticed that part of the creek was frozen but not all of it. I wanted to see just how far onto the ice I could go before it broke. Though you don't really want to fall into freezing water, that's the only way to find the answer to the question right? So of course the ice finally broke and I plunged in. Gatumbi didn't help me but instead laughed hysterically because of my blood curdling scream. That S#it was pretty cold if memory serves. As he laughed, standing on ice himself, he went plunging into the water too. We kept trying to get out but the ice kept snapping every time we put an arm up. We eventually got out of the water, but as we walk home our clothes got crystallized and quick. The clothes wouldn't even bend anymore, we just had to wobble like penguins all the way back to my mom's. She made us change and then gave us hot coffee while we thawed and watched TV. Could it be that it was all so simple then? But, that's my favorite memory of snow as a kid.

Wish me luck, acting audition today. $$$$

Laters....

Stick to the script Tom Cruise

I kept hearing about some video that proves that Tom Cruise is Bat$#it crazy and so naturally I had to look it up.... oh it's true. And of course I wouldn't deny anyone from enjoy a taste of madness so here you go:http://gawker.com/5002269/the-cruise-indoctrination-video-scientology-tried-to-suppress?autoplay=true

And you have the good folks at Gawker.com to thank for that little gem. Time really flies when you think about it. I was sitting in my cuby and thinking about getting lost in Southeast with the urge to pee, and there was absolutely no way I was getting out of the car. I had an empty Colgate mouthwash bottle in the back seat(no, I don't know why it was there but stay with me people) and once I finally got out of Southeast I still couldn't find a bathroom. I was unzipped and "kissing the rim" of the bottle when I found myself in front of a church. Did I mention that it was still daylight? Cause the attendant in front of the church definitely got himself an eye full of Wednesday night surprise. I rolled down the window and asked if I could use his bathroom, thinking there was no way he would say yes, but I needed to cut up some of the awkwardness. To my chagrin his reply was "Yeah, come right in young man... (chuckle)" So I put my c**k away and threw the Colgate bottle, which was piss free, in the backseat. I remember it being one of those knee bending, exhaling, almost orgasmic type streams that linger for about 13 minutes afterward. And that was almost a year ago from today. Ah, how time flies. That story doesn't really go with "Wow, time can get away from you" but when does anything I say make a lot of sense.

I realized why Bazooka gum isn't as popular as it was in the stone age today. I put a piece in my mouth and by chew number 4 it was flavorless... Son of a B*tch.

For anyone curious, BET Networks currently has no comedy shows (comicview,coming to the stage, random craptacular show) in production right now. Just in case some is thinking of calling like I do. But they do encourage you to call weekly since they are expecting production to start soon. Get your white gloves on cause there are fresh young minds to influence with ignorant stereotypes... "How did he get BET Networks phone numbers, one might ask?" Persistence my young friend. I learned from the Fowlest.

I've been taking up some auditions since Big Al Goodwin got his Pilot. In speaking with these people over the phone setting up dates, I've found that they can be some of the rudest D*CKS on the planet. One man told me straight up that he didn't care to "actually" speak to me, and that I should e-mail him again cause he'd forget what we were talking about. I've been spoken to like that before but when he said it, it seemed heartfelt and sincere. Then he e-mailed me good news, followed by more rudeness!? Oh showbiz, you are a HARSH MISTRESS.

Gotta go for now. "Come Seymour, we have things to do......" Laters

Time by Musiq (just feeling reflective)

I'd like to take a minute to apologize

For not taking advantage of you

Through all the years you've passed me by

Honestly I really wanted to be mad at you, yes

For so many hours waiting, yeah

I finally know what it means to be patient

And everything has its place, yeah

And reason and I've learned that

Time waits for nothing

And everything is gonna take its time for it to happen

Time waits for nothing

And everything is gonna take its time

Time waits for nothing and no one

Cause everything has its time

I used to think that if I tried

Then maybe I could change the things that

I regretted in my past life

But through all the lessons that you taught me

I have learned my experiences enhanced my character, yes

Now as I look back with what I know now

I can say that I wouldn't change a thing

Cause I love who I became, yeah

And when it's all said and done

I can only live for today

Cause I've learned that

Time waits for nothing

And everything is gonna take its time for it to happen

Time waits for nothing

And everything is gonna take its time

Time waits for nothing and no one

Cause everything has its time

I used to find it hard to believe

And almost impossible to conceive, yeah

Everything I do revolves around you And knowing that, its kind crazy to me

Now if I had a dollar for every moment

That I spent watching my days go by

Doing, doing, doing nothing

I probably never be penniless or hopeless.

So for a while now, I've kept in mind

Cause what they say is true

That you are of the essence

Down to the very last second

And I'm so glad that I've grown to

Respect you

Tomorrow students, there shall be less deep thoughts and more randoms S#it from good ol' TRich. Hope you guys enjoy the snow flurries and I hope that the meteorologist actually know what they are talking about this time. Laters...

Forever Young

I just had a flashback of Charlie Day with his hands raised to the Lord, dancing as though a tear might fall from his eyes.... classic. Well, it's a rainy day again and the good Lord has decided to use his cruel sense of humor once again. There is an extremely hot woman that sits next to me and since I arrived she has been married so I treated her like any man should, a guy. Well, that time has come and gone and now it's official that she's getting divorced. She talked to me about dating(she just got ended a 5 year marriage and has already been on two dates, that almost makes me nauseous when I think of my ex and what she might have been doing then and now) and was asking some basic questions about the single life. But, all that goes through my mind no matter what is coming out of my mouth is "I should not have been myself around you" and that's the truth. Maybe if I had been a scumbag and always let it be known I'm attracted there would be some strange at the end of the tunnel... no? We'll move on.

If you see Big Al Goodwin, give him a big hug til' he gets upset and demands you let go of him. You know why? Because he is shooting a pilot for a network. That's about all I can say.... cause he couldn't share anymore information with me. Congrateys AL!

Jermaine Fowler is a hooligan! There Runteldat...

There is a story that is on the national news about the lady who just happened to have 4 dead children in her home in D.C., it's exciting to have something close by get this kind of national attention. The woman, unless she has got some serious proof, is completely bats#it crazy. Her excuse to how the children, which are conformed to be hers, died is that they all were possessed by a demon that killed them one week apart from each other. I'm almost gullible enough to buy that but the police said the oldest,17, had apparently been stabbed. One or more of the children had been bound, and a couple of the youngest ones had blunt force trauma to the head. Could it be that she saw the episode of the Boondocks where Uncle Ruckus beat Stinkmeiner out of Tom, and she attempted to do the same to her own children. "There's some powerful Nigg@try at work here"- Uncle Ruckus

P.S.- The B__ch is gonna fry man

Is anything sweeter than ruining the end of the last Harry Potter book for a procrastinating Harry Potter fanatic? I'm seriously contemplating telling this girl Amy that I work with what happened just to see her head explode. But, then that leaves more work for me and that is completely against the TRichardson code of work ethics. Code 154-862 stated "Never make a decision that will result in more work for Tyler. If more work is the result of one of your choices you are to seek out the nearest window on the fifth floor and toss yourself into the biggest crowd of people you see", I wouldn't make that up. There are like 975 pages in the code, and somehow a lot of them find some way to tell you hop out of a window. That TRich can write some code.

The survey for "stand up or sit down"(to wipe) is still ongoing with on 1, I repeat 1 person that has shared that they too stand their lazy a$$ up to wipe their most horrid of precious places. And, while most people at could hear what was going on were disgusted at us for standing, it could not compare to the look on our faces. Scoreboard: Standers 2, People that aren't getting all the marmalade 26. Don't give up on us though, this thing ain't over.

Well, I'm gonna split, I've got work to do and dragons to slay. Stay classy...

Laters

The F**k is you doin'?

Since when the f*ck did people not like spam

Is it cause that S#it comes in a can

While some muhf*ckas is out getting a tan

I bump the Pussycat Dolls song wit Will.I.am

Blam Blam went the hamma while you was steady cruisin'

Muhf*ckas is slippin'

"The F**k is you doin?"

Fruit Loops is cool, but I really f**cks wit Lucky

Cause the first time I ate them S#its the purple horseshoes touched me

When the McGriddle hit the scene I was like "Dat' my S#it!"

But the new Breakfast Burrito makes me wanna be sick

Mad rhyme spitta wit the illest kicks you ever seen

Stacy Adams S#it wit tha 3 piece

Dat Muhf*ckas clean

Cause the way I pass out office memos has got h0e$ steady trippin'

Wit a turtleneck in A/C, "The F**k is you doin?"

The Fowlest in the place, damn a Jermaine

If you think he don't know you betta ask him bout my CANDY RAIN

Nah I don't want ya'll to kiss the rings, cause I left'em on the table

but I'll be happy to let you stand in line of Muhf*ckas tastin' the rainbow

I rappin' wit no voice so most of this S#it is ruined

but if you ain't chuckled a little at non of this non-sens muhf*cka

"What the f**k is you doin?!"

That was retarded but I'm bored and it's one day away from the weekend. That was for Mike Way and the rest of the Souljas out there. I think that's more slang than I've ever used my life and you know what... it feels phenomenal. But not really though.

I'm trying an experiment where unless absolutely necessary I don't speak. I went through a weekend before Christmas where I didn't speak at all and it was interesting. Gives you time to collect your thoughts, and I definitely need to write more. Well I'm gonna swig on my orange juice so, you know.... Laters

F_____!

Well, yesterday was eye opening.... that is all I can say. But here is the tape I was so excited about I hope you like it. I do

http://www.veoh.com/videos/v25210555mafZfpe

Hello Richmond, I just can't stay away

Is there anything finer than a good ol' fashioned Tuesday. Nope, cause they're full of all kinds of personality. But, I regret to say that I haven't got a whole lot to say today. Wish me luck tonight cause "The GREAT" Bird Knight will be at the Clash this month and since it's gonna be on Comcast OnDemand I really want to do well. I guess placing would be sweet too. And I finally get my new DVD from Odyssey, "S#it YEAH!" 20 mins. of awkward stares in a packed FunnyBone, but people were laughing at the stares and that's why I can't wait to get it. Believe that tomorrow(Thursday by the latest) I will have a link to that or hopefully it will be embedded. Well, I'm off then but man, so much can happen in 24 hours I can't wait to see what I tomorrow brings.... Laters

"Who wipes standing up?!"

Welcome back to another week in: (drum roll please) ..... Life :( But have no fear, the weekend can't be more than 8 or 9 days away, so there is hope. I hope that you all had a great weekend, Lord knows I did. Granted I saw most of you on Saturday night anyway, but let's pretend shall we. I got to sit on my butt on Saturday, but Sunday was one of those days where you have all types of things to take care of. The only one that I didn't mind doing was picking up my dog Max from the groomer and seeing what a sex-ified beast he is. Ah, to be young, furry, and F***in sexy. For those that are wondering, yes I'm still listening to Lupe Fiasco's The Cool everyday all day... I'm not joking. It is rare that we find an album like this and the last time I think I had this love was for T.I.'s Urban Legend. Ah, 2003... what a piece of $#*t year that was for me. Let's not reminisce anymore, most of my memories aren't that great.

"What the hell does that title mean?" Well I'm glad you asked random(comic) reader, apparently a good majority of the public is sitting while they wipe their behind. Call me nuts but for some things I believe you need to get up on your feet. I don't want to be gross but you're missing something if you don't stand up and get on at least one set of your tippy toes. Somebody comment and prove that I know what I'm talking about. I don't know how it came up but first Nelson said that he sits, then my friend Nate, then Kevin, then Leah, and so far I have yet to find someone that stands up like a homosapien. That's bush league folks. Someone even called me a child for standing... the audacity. Now yes, maybe this stand up habit developed cause as a child it was the only way to keep from Sh__ty draws(and keeping my mother from throwing them at me and screaming "Why can't you wipe your A$$!") but now it's just necessary. I could go on all day but I'll end it on this, a man could just pull really hard and get a condom on(God that would hurt, if it didn't break) but instead he rolls... he rolls. I'm just saying sometimes taking a few more seconds to do something get pretty orgasmic results. The Fowlest knows what I mean.

Yes, the Spy Lounge is still alive...

Tomorrow is Richmond Funnybone time. I have been rocking my own mixture of peach fuzz/facial hair because superstition has lead me to believe it helps me not bomb, but it's gonna be on TV. I really don't wanna look like a bum on Comcast, but I want the set to go well more than I care what I look like. You know what? I think I know what I'm gonna do.... Flash Cards. They help everything!

I recently had to make a call to someone who had a GOOD 3 minutes of shout outs, random slang, F__ck offs, guttural sounds, and lastly(I swear) a bit of prayer.... clearly there are no employers that just interviewed them getting ready to call. I keep thinking how funny it would be to change my voicemail to that for a while, but I don't want people thinking TRich has been kidnapped. Plus, my momma raise me better than that.

(I took a long break to run down to the store and pick up some snackies)

And what did I get you ask? A BIG ASS BAG O' JERKY!... and pink lemonade. My jaw kinda hurts but what would you go through for some good jerky right now? Would you kill... yeah you would. Bless you jerky, bless your delicious smoky ways and how you always vote Democrat. Go Obama!

Laters

C'mon Tuesday!!!! I'm anxious

I'm busy working/blasting my resume to random sections in my building... Enjoy this weekend and here is a little slice of heaven to think of me by til the Lizard on Saturday.

Laters,

TRich(kisses.... from you luva)

Fresh off a cops @$$

Well... I'm back at work now and it feels phenomenal. As always it was too cool being in Richmond and hanging with the comics and staff over at the FunnyBone. Good friends, good laughter, and more importantly there was laughter. There were a few moments of usual TRichardson awkwardness though, here is one of the few pearls that I picked up in the past couple of years. "Thou shalt not besmirch the name of the club you are in if you expect to get work there"- Jesus Christ Why that needs to be said is a mystery to me, but apparently some people can get caught in the moment and let their heart speak before they've really thought through their surroundings. I found myself in the middle of another comic's nightmare last night and while I sympathize, I don't want to be connected to that type of conversation. Especially with how nice everyone has treated me down there. Example:

Angry guy: This place ain't $hit!

Me: huh?

A: I'd rather work at ____!

Me:(eyes darting around) This place is cool man, every one's great

A: Nah man, they ain't kissed the rings yet (I'm improvising but I probably would have laughed had he used that one)

Me: Eventually....

A: F___ that! Look who they pay attention to.

Me: (This was the moment where I kind of shut up cause that sounds like a thought that all comics have but almost none speak... c'mon be real) .... ummm.

A: See what I'm talking about.

Me: I'm gonna go grab a beer.

What's important to see here was that my alcoholism helped me out of a jam. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to stop drinking(though I have calmed down quite a bit), and you know what? It makes me sad, so I don't. Seriously though, I saw the same comic, who was a great guy aside from this stuff, go through one of those nights where he was really looking for something positive in what appeared to be a sea of s__t. Hopefully I'll run into him again soon and he'll be happier. If not for the fact that someone finally paid him his due, than the fact that he's so determined no one can get him down.

Does the fact that Best Buy sells Fritz the Cat bother anyone or seem even remotely wrong. You know they sell Barney less than two aisles away?

I must be the black person in the world that thinks roller skating is crap. I'd much rather go ice skating cause it's cool and peaceful, but I'm getting the impression that we're supposed to want to dance and backflip and things while "we" skate. What type of s___ is that?! Damn Lil Bow Wow and his Roll Bounce...

I actually watched some Late Night talk shows when I got home last night. Here is what I found:

1. Loved the bearded look on David Letterman



2. Almost as much as I dug the HOBO beard on Conan



3. I'm glad that Leno kept it clean, cause that's a lot of beard to cover all that face



4. Jimmy Kimmel seemed as though the term "improv" was just thrust upon him yesterday



5. Conan seemed like the funniest one even though he didn't have his writers



6. Is it necessary to bring up the obvious all the time? Comparison: Comic- "Sorry that joke was new"(or any different way of saying it) Talk Show Host- "______ cause we have no writers"(or any of the one million ways they ALL kept bringing it up)



7. Going back to number 6, until I get conformation that they aren't saying "Writers" once every two sentences, I can live without you Conan



8. Anyone notice Chingy was on Leno? Where the ____ did he come from? I know where he/his career went, down the sh___er but I was shocked he's still making songs

By the way, we're gonna call the fat guy in the picture "Benny the fat girl slayer" ..... so.... yep.

Well I guess it's time for me to be hitting the ol' dust trail.... Laters

Off and flyin'

Okay so, how to start a new year of blogs?.... How bout a picture of something that is easily as creepy as it is likable? Yeah. What is it about old people that captures our attention, and still makes us never want to be one? Hmmmm...





I'm headed down the road again to what I might as well refer to as my home club, the Funnybone. Here's a breakdown of the "Show of Shows Showcase", it all starts out with a face-off between Big Al Goodwin and an ogre. Al, being the good side of the battle, will take all all of the silver from the audience to weild together a sword mighty enough to shave Christ. I've seen the conceptual drawings of this sword and I can sum it up with one phrase, "That's a bad muthaF@ckin SWORD!" Then I will come out accompanied by Jessie and Ryan (Richmond comics) and we will begin a juggling act that will allow folks to laugh a bit and ease the tension of the showdown that waits ahead. I'm certain that Al's trainers Nick Cantone and Odyysey Michaels will be somewhere around and if we're lucky enough maybe they'll bless us with a rouse or two. By the way, in case something goes wrong(F@ckin ogres and their stupid unions) we we be putting on a showcase of stand up comedy. Defintely going to be a blast and who knows, TRich might even get some chuckles.... hurray for that. And it's one more time up on that stage before the Clash next Tuesday, which will be on Comcast. 2008, you're my hero.




Ever had the feeling that someone was standing behind you in your cubicle but when you turn around there was nothing? I just got that, but I feel like they could have been there for a long time. Creepy.




I have now joined the club of guys who spend time( New Year's Eve) with extremely hot women and then don't sleep with one. It made me so sick to think about the next day that I had to eat a lot of Honey Baked Ham to put it to the back of my mind. Pathetic, but hey there's always Ramadan(or whatever holiday it is when random big brea$ted women come on to little funny guys)... right?




Something about just getting my hair cut makes the song "Staying Alive" play everywhere I go now. At first I thought it was cause of the movie Saturday Night Fever, but I remembered that I never sat down to see that movie, even though that white suit Travolta had on was HURT FOLKS! I realised why the music was playing though, it's cause "I'm dead f@ckin sexy" Mmmm, that's nice. (I know that last couple of sentences were weird, but it's been a long time since we've sat down and chatted. I've forgotten what conversation interests you, so I'm going straight from the heart.)



Wow, I sure didn't have a whole lot to talk about today, I guess it's cause I'm so busy living... that can't last forever though right? But here is a word to the wise in case you have to show up at the office before anyone else is actually there, bring a pair of those glasses with pupils painted on the lens. They make getting caught more of a joke and less of a serious matter. Just giving a heads up.



Don't worry though, I'm sure there be a lot more non sense-ory to come. Laters

All Fro'd the F*ck out!

Well, here we are.... it's so close to the new year I can hardly stand it. I felt like going into 2007, it was gonna be a great year. I think I was right, I accomplished a lot of things that I wanted to and set new goals while doing so. I'm sure that we all did, and hopefully you've done most( preferably all) of the things that you set out to do this year. In comedy or in life. Let's roll through some things that were interesting to me in this thing we call 2007:

1. Lost at the DC Improv to Jason Weems(I don't feel too bad about that, but I didn't place... that sucked)



2. Got a career, left being a car salesman behind me



3. Moved out from the neighborhood across the street from my ex



4. Discovered Guitar Hero 2 then 3 then ROCK BAND!



5. Met John X



6. Bought my own iPod( up til' this summer, I was using Nelson's)



7. Slept outside in Times Square with the Fowlest and Keith



8. Saw Hampton win at the Improv



9. Jake Young and Jermaine won too!



10. Saw Rob's "Pimp" pad, nicely done Mr. Maher



11. Had the biggest slice of pizza I'd never dreamed of



12. Got a both feet in the door at the Richmond Funnybone (finally)



13. Bought and guzzled Absinthe.... all hail the green fairy



14. Fell in love with Heath Ledger's version of the Joker



15. Fell in love with Tyler Richardson



16. Started an open mic (I'm so lazy that's something I never saw happening)



17. Got a great tape on stage (still waiting to see it, but the show was bananas so... fingers crossed)



18. Put on Tyler vs. Tyler... finally



19. Went on XM Radio



20. Went to a wedding for the first time and was a groomsman for one of my closest friends



21. Spent a weekend gambling for the bachelor party



22. Hustled the hell out of colleges and got some work for it



23. Saw Rory on Live at Gotham with Herbie



24. Made a few enemies here and there



25. No one that I knew died



26. Met Charlie Rutherford, the strangest man on the planet



27. Picked up a couple of friendships that I thought were done, but were most important

I bring these up to make you reflect on what you accomplished in 2007. I bet there are some things that happened that you you'd be very proud of that might slip your mind. Take a second and reflect, you might not have believed some of the things you did would be possible. So...

WHAT THE F@CK IS GONNA HAPPEN IN 2008?!

May you all have a Merry Christmas!!!!

Please be safe, love you're family, friends,
neighbors, or whoever is important in your life.

Merry Christmas everyone!

I found out I have feelings yesterday...

As I was about to go to lunch yesterday I was shocked to find out that Ciara(work buddy I normally roll with) was having lunch with her sister and a friend. Normally that wouldn't be a problem, cause I'd just roll with. But, they had decided on eating at some NOODLE house and damned if I'm gonna give up a perfectly good lunch for that jive. So, I turn to Charlie, who is broke and says "nah, I'm good. I'll stay at my desk." I'm not about to eat at my desk when there are all these women running around downstairs, so I turn to Amy and ask what plans are. She says that she and Ann are going to Five Guys, I say "I'm in!"... this is where it gets dark for our hero folks. She fired back with "Who said you were invited?!" and all I could do was pause and walk back to my seat. I eat with them everyday, so I never expected that. I was kinda crushed, I must say. I sat down and told myself that I just wouldn't eat today and then got really angry at the fact I even cared. So while I sped through what was left of my work, I could only focus on how soft I've gone. I used to take great pleasure in what an @ssh0le I was, and look at me now... happy. Well, the story ends with the fact that I missed Amy saying she was just joking and everyone coming over and laughing at how visibly angry I was. For those that are curious as to what I had at Five Guys, I had a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger with Regular fries and about 4 refills of Sprite w/ Fruit punch mixed in. I just felt like knowing my order would really bring that whole story home.... moving on then.

If you don't have Lupe Fiasco's The Cool, "What the F@ck is you doin'?!!" Don't take my word for it, every review says basically the same thing:

"Hits like crack, but you won't wake up in your own urine" - Entertainment Tonight

"That Ni99a's Fire son" - President George W. Bush

"The last time my homeboy put me on to something that vicious, I caught the clap"- Jermaine Fowler

"I could be gay for him"- (requested to remain anonymous)

"Make Kanye's Graduation look like a Diddy album!"- Diddy

and it just goes on and on(truthfully I could have done that 30-40 more times but wanted to spare you guys)

I keep getting Christmas cards from people at work, but I'm not giving any. That's really all there is to that but it makes me feel a little bad... but either way I'm not spending a dime on someone that I work with. Remember, they are the enemy...

Interestingly enough, as I began to "mack" a female at work the has vitiligo, there was an interesting story on a broadcaster that has the same affliction. Luckily, she is pretty much without pigment so it's not a spots thing, she's just black with out being black anywhere. But the freckles still look good though. Here is the story: http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/2007-12-16-vitiligo_N.htm?imw=Y

Well, I'll try to come up with something good for tomorrow but until then

Laters....

Hi Erin, 143

I just wanted her to know. But let's carry on with the Christmas spirit shall we. Ahem....

I've got a Golden Ticket!
I NEVER THOUGHT MY LIFE COULD BE

ANYTHING BUT CATASTROPHE

BUT SUDDENLY I BEGIN TO SEE A BIT OF GOOD LUCK FOR ME

'CAUSE I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET

I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TWINKLE IN MY EYE

I NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO SHINE NEVER A HAPPY SONG TO SING

BUT SUDDENLY HALF THE WORLD IS MINE WHAT AN AMAZING THING

'CAUSE I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET

I'VE GOT A GOLDEN SUN UP IN THE SKY

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THE DAY WHEN I WOULD FACE THE WORLD AND SAY GOOD MORNING, LOOK AT THE SUN!

I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD BE SLAP IN THE LAP OF LUXURY

'CAUSE I'D HAVE SAID IT COULDN'T BE DONE BUT IT CAN BE DONE

I NEVER DREAMED THAT I WOULD CLIMB OVER THE MOON IN ECSTASY

BUT NEVERTHELESS IT'S THERE THAT I'M SHORTLY ABOUT TO BE

'CAUSE I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET I'VE GOT A GOLDEN CHANCE TO MAKE MY WAY AND WITH A GOLDEN TICKET IT'S A GOLDEN DAY

'CAUSE I'D HAVE SAID, "IT COULDN'T BE DONE"

BUT IT CAN BE DONE

I NEVER DREAMED THAT I WOULD CLIMB OVER THE MOON IN ECSTASY

BUT NEVERTHELESS IT'S THERE THAT I'M SHORTLY ABOUT TO BE

'CAUSE I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET

I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET

I'VE GOT A GOLDEN CHANCE TO MAKE MY WAY

AND WITH A GOLDEN TICKET IT'S A

GOLDEN DAY !

LaTeRs!!!!!!!!!!

Why so serious?

And here we are smack dab in the middle of a boring A$$ Tuesday morning... Uggg! It was so cold this morning that I couldn't move, plus I had no time to heat up the car so I was literally driving down the road in a giant ice block for a few miles. And then I hit the B!+ch that we call interstate traffic.... Uggg! And of course there was no dead body for me at the end of that yellow brick road. And someone had the audacity to judge me this morning for wishing to see a corpse at the end of the rainbow. I'm only human aren't I? Then she beat me to work and she left home 45 minutes after me! Uggg! But let us move along folks...

Yesterday I pulled such an a-holeish move that even I had to look back in (almost)shame and say "damn, that was a D**k move". Here is why: A few people from my section and I wanted to order some pizza(and of course it was from Pizza Hut, I'm American dammit). We asked Mr. Rutherford if he would like to get down on some with us, his reply was "not hungry"which we all knew was a front for being broke. Cause Lord knows he lets the world know his troubles. Now, I don't feel the least bit of sympathy for him cause when you ask a woman with two children AND a child of yours (that's 3 folks) you take a risk (at 24 years old) you might be a little strapped for cash. I think I'd rather commit suicide than have three kids at my age. Well they all felt bad(cause they're females) and saved almost a whole pizza for him after lunch. I went to my cuby which isn't too far from Mr. 3 kids, and heard him turn down the pizza they offered him about 3 or 4 times. It was at that point that I thought of my two roommates and did what I hoped they would do in my position. I stood up and snatched that pizza without hesitation, "You ain't got to ask me twice" and that was that. I did get a heart, since it's Christmas, and offered it to him later in the day before I left... he still turned it down. But, a couple of the females came over and said he was getting ready to say yes right before the snatch. It wasn't until I was at home later that night and eating one of the slices, alone, that I replayed the scene and laughed at what a cold move that was. Oh well, I never claimed to be anything more than an A$$hole. My momma loves me though.

I'm glad to see that so many people are taking advantage of the Dark Knight trailer from yesterday, they should... behold true beauty. Well, I better get working... Laters

The Dark Knight Trailer

Here is a your link for the official The Dark Knight Trailer:
http://www.atasteforthetheatrical.com/deathtrap/default.htm

What can you say about that trailer that isn't summed up perfectly in this fan boy's(like I'm not one) observations:

Here are a few observations from a guy who is far too obsessed with every little thing about this film. - Bale sitting in his office, unmasked but wearing the batsuit. Interesting shot of Wayne deep in thought. He appears to be in a big office or apartment in the Wayne building, rather than his home. - Batman on the roof. Appears to be holding his head. Behind him seem to be some giant antennas. Has Batman hacked into some radio frequencies, holding an earpiece in - listening in on Joker's plans, or corrupt cops? - "Like me" shot of the Joker. Probably the same scene as the "hit me!" bat-cycle scene later in the trailer, but it looks like Main St and it's deserted. Have the people of Gotham fled from Joker's anarchy? - Joker's voice and laugh - Seriously, Ledger has NAILED this character. If only they gave awards to superhero films... - Joker's knives - Quite emphasised in a lot of the promotional material. We've seen him hold a knife on Rachel Dawes, threaten to carve smiles into people, he's holding one on the new poster and now his pockets are FILLED with knives. He also tosses a knife from one hand to the other later in the trailer. Looks like Joker's got some knife-play skill. - Joker hanging out of a window letting his hair blow in the breeze - I've never been arrested, but I'm pretty sure cops would frown upon that. Joker's gone and stolen a cop car, and if the Grand Theft Auto games have taught us anything, that's a trademark of a true bad ass. - Joker firing the bazooka - I ****ing love Joker's reaction after firing it, how he responds to the actual power of it. It's like he's surprised at how powerful a bazooka is, as if he just picked it up and fired it without thinking about the consequences, then thought "holy ****" after he'd already done the damage. It's like Joker's complete lack of interest in consequences wrapped up into three frames of footage. - Gotta love the Batmobile storage room. Certainly beats a dank little cave. - The shot that I consider the gem of my over-analytical madness - Why the hell is Gordon taking an axe to the Bat-symbol?! When I saw the ****ty version of the trailer, I assumed it was Joker or his men destroying it, but why would Gordon take out the light that calls for Gotham's hero, and the guy he befriended in Begins? - Joker's tendency to lick his lips is such an effective little quirk to illustrate that he's nuts. Just the way he does it is strangely unsettling. Likewise is the shot of him maniacally laughing as he appears to be driving in a game of chicken, again doing something purely for the destruction and chaos of it, probably putting himself at risk and not caring. Joker also has both the quiet kind of madness - the slow clap from his cell, and that first, creepy close-up - as well as the loud, angry, utterly mental self-destructiveness. I'm truly loving every little thing I see from the character. I think, if I'm going to have a complaint about Dark Knight, it'll be "not enough Joker", because this interpretation of the character is so appealing and fun to watch that I suspect that I'm going to want him on screen as much as possible. Best of luck to Aaron Eckhart in having to live up to this standard as Two Face, especially if he's going to carry over to the third film and Joker isn't. That scenario surely couldn't bode well for him, and I thought Thank You For Smoking was gold. But Ledger's Joker is in a field of it's own. I'm a full-fledged Joker fan boy at this point.

In my comedy news, I should point out that I'll be taped for Comcast on demand on Jan. 8th for the Clash of the Comics at the Richmond Funnybone. Sunday was cool up there, Cowboy Bill Martin and Drake were both very cool and personable. And, just in case he reads, "Jessie throws a bad muthaf***in partay. Though the weekend seemed to go by in a blink I had more fun than a barrel full of monkeys! All I need now is some strange... Laters

"Angel with Wings"?!

And this is a story that is near and dear to my heart. Not so much because the freakazoid kid had the "wing" on her back, but because her parents let her live with that until she was 11 before they had it cut the F#ck off. The surgery was successful though so no worries, now she can have the normal life that she always dreamed of while high fiving herself in her room... alone and friendless. Uggg, would you look at that thing. Who gets to keep the arm is what I'm wondering. Cause that would make a interesting backscratcher... not so much for the back scratching but it's a conversation piece :) One last thing, since it's not a part of her or anything, is it wrong to fry that thing up? That's drumstick would be one in a million, but then again it is Chinese food so...

After playing Rock Band last night my right side is tight as a drum. It's kind of pathetic but at the same time that is a hell of a workout for an otherwise lazy man. Still on medium though, when I get to expert you can expect to see a picture of a drenched, crazy man who is wailing on some video game drum sets.

Do you take gifts from your enemies at Christmas time? That's one of the hardest parts of this joyous time of year. Do we accept crap from co-workers that mean less than sh!t to us? Nah

I guess it makes me predictable that every morning before I can speak what I want, the man who prepares meals in the cafeteria begins to cook two scrambled eggs. Yet at the same time I love the fact that he noticed. I feel like V.I.P., without even having to be a whore. Hooray!

No gifts to buy.... life is beautiful right now. (breathes a sigh of joy, somewhere there is a man who is stressed about his life, money, women, anything... TRich doesn't have any of that right now. His biggest concern is whether he will use the restroom at work since the lasagna is working on his stomach right now. Ah, to be young)

Laters people enjoy your Thursday!

The Underdog!

Well it's Wednesday again, the whore of the week since it's so anxious to be noticed but in the end we still don't respect it. Am I right? I might be... but if they put The Office on Wed. nights... AH! A reason to love them at last, now if this strike would just end.

A Christmas Wish List(from a grown man):

-9 more hours of leave, it can be annual or sick

-A high score in Rock Band that is worthy of a picture while Nelson strikes a GANGSTA pose

-A hug from my mom (yeah it's soft, but that's my mommy)

-The price of 87 octane to slip below $2.39

-Snow

-1 person that I don't like to drop dead

-50 cent to come by my office on Dec. 27th and throw cash at me while I work

-Crouch Deodorant, so no matter when or where, you're confident

-A beard to appear on my face on Christmas morning

-A few comedy groupies

-A good comedy video that won't embarrass me to show some one

-An iPhone that will work with T-Mobile, they exist but I want this one to be free

-My dog to develop super powers that way he can save me one day

-A bad ass trench coat!

-Miller Lite

-To catch a Leprechaun, and wish for Miller Lite... or buy some with gold

-The ghost of Dr. Seuss to come back and write one more classic... maybe a sequel to "Oh the thinks you can think"

-And P***Y!

"Ask Mike Huckabee about his tax plan and he'll talk about pimps and prostitutes"-Mike Huckabee

I'm not a fan of his, but I do like his commitment to honesty. His stance that isolating people with AIDS was cute too, but he backpedaled and apologized... wuss.

What's a great way to start the day? Superbad. Get's the blood going, and the cafeteria downstairs had Scrawberries(Strawberries for those who are lame) and that always spells a good day. But, I did forget my Chuck's at home. So since I have to stop there instead of driving straight to Richmond, I guess they cancel each other out. Dammit.

I was truly touched by the people that called my phone and either left texts or voicemail with concern. Nothing would have felt worse than getting my phone and only having 2 messages or something. I was touched, my friends and family all made me feel loved. But, apparently unless you live with me you wouldn't know I was dead when I do die. I gotta give my e-mail address out more I guess. They knew I was alive. Again, I love all of you that showed love. TRich cares.

How many people does it take to get a mic working for our open mic? No one knows cause a combination of at least 10 people taking a look at/tinkering with the mic couldn't get it done. Since I was a part of that tribe I feel like sometimes you just meet a mic that has more brains than you do. But there are stupider mics out there and we'll make those ones do what we want. Vengeance will be mine...

A man on Elliot in the morning called in with a story that shook me to the core. He told a story of being at a hockey game with his cousin, the story ended with fight. The problem was that he antagonized some guy into violence but didn't mention that his cousin was a state trooper. So the guy hits his cousin and off to jail we go. Since state troopers are always on call(or duty, whatever), that was a huge offense that landed him in the clink for..... drum roll please... 8, 8, 8 f@ckin years! How does that guy sleep at night?! He laughed at the end of his story, and all I thought about was the Devil laughing and holding his belly while poking some young sinner. What is wrong with our generation? :(

Well my scrawberries are just about gone so I guess I better get to work. Be good, the week is almost over. Laters

Am I dead?

It's been a week and I'm very relieved that today.... I get my phone back! Crazy week it has been. Monday- great showing from all you comics at the Spy Lounge, I hope we take advantage of these new rooms before they come down. Tuesday- Had a great time at the Funnybone, they like me, they really like me. There were several dates with MJ.... if you know me then put that sentence together. Went shopping for Tyler Richardson. I bought him a lot of clothes and because I dig that guy, I got him ROCK BAND! That kid deserves it.

Tomorrow it's back to the Funnybone cause there is gonna be a great show with Big Al Goodwin, Nick Cantone, Ray Bullock, Odyssey Michaels and.... wait, who the f@ck is Tyler Richardson? Oh well, he'll be there too I guess. If you're not doing anything on Sunday, I'll be back then too. I'm trying to make a habit out of performing here. We'll just see how that goes...

Today I finally bought a bottle of absinthe. Might I say that I am excited, but it sucks that I can't drink any of it until Thursday at the earliest, but don't some things deserve weekend exclusivity? Yep. I've even got that cool spoon on the back of the box.... "Hello Eurotrip!" I'm gonna kiss the green fairy everybody. By the way, if you don't know what it is, the look it up: http://www.wikipedia.com/

I wore a new Perry Ellis sweater for the first time and dare I say, I looked GOOD. That's all, sorry to be random Tony.

I'll talk to you on Wednesday, enjoy yourself and remember.... uh.. I got nothin'

Laters

"Dude, this is not the way to the bar..."

So, Tuesday was cool, thanks again to the whole Funnybone crew for always making people feel right at home. Keith Irwin was there.... I hate you Keith, I kid(or do I secretly hate him? hmmmm...)

I am on day 3 without my cell phone now and life is silent, something is weird about not having a phone on you. Aside from the fact that if something that is even remotely an emergency, I just have to pray for a pay phone to be close by. I hate you Eli! I kid( or do I secretly hate Eli too? hmmm...) So let's take a trip down the road that people call "I'm F@cking LOST with NO cellphone!" Ahem:

1) Woke up early Wednesday since I had to drive back from Richmond and didn't want to sleep in on accident.

2) Hopped on the road and jumped into traffic, wasn't that bad at first...

3) Got to I-495 and saw a parking lot that spiraled into (what looked like) the sky :(

4) Decided that I'm never going to make it to work if I sit in that S#it... let's be smart about this.

5) Jump on I-395 and travel(without traffic) up towards the Pentagon... I know there is a way to cut over to Vienna from that area, but I'm looking for route 50 when I should have been looking for route 27... Uggg

6) Have to fill up my tank, I thought I could make it to work before I knew this would turn into such and adventure in babysitting.

7) Got a little lost in Alexandria, apparently they like to hide their gas station from the world a little bit. It's like a secret that only Alexandrians know of, so they can laugh when outsiders get stranded on the side of the road.

8) Back on the road again. Decide to go to Marymount cause I "think" remember how to get to work from there... I didn't

9) Lost. Now I'm in some suburb of Fairfax county and am physically exhausted by this point. I don't think I've ever sweared so much in my entire life. I found myself lost around Langley, and I don't work for the CIA.

10) I pulled over at a McDonald's and asked for directions, cause at this point I'm going 2 1/2 hours late. I kind Rastafarian tells me the wrong directions to get to route 123, I find that he put me in the opposite direction so after a little reverse action, I'm finally headed to work again.

11) Did I mention that I couldn't call and explain any of this to my boss, I'm just praying that they'll be as cool as they always are.

12) I make it to work and pulled the best "carskate" into a parking spot you've ever seen. I lost complete control and slide (with an audience) right into a PRIMO parking spot. Thank you, thank you.

That was my yesterday... I got to work around 11. I start at 8.

Hope you like the picture from Speed Racer that is above. Laters...