What ever happened to....

-An American Tail

-The Gold Dollar

-The God of War movie

-Craig Mack

-Tupac still releasing good albums

-Enjoying making out

-the Harlem Shake (just when I got crazy, it's not cool no more?!)

- Not needing a shower at the end of the day, as little boys the balls don't stink( am I right?)

-Thinking your mother was innocent and pure (cause she banged, then you came)

-Laughing til' you cried just cause someone said testicles

-Kicking friends in the balls for sport

-Waiting for the clock to strike 2 pm on the last day of school

-Cross Colours

-Ladies (1907-1976)

-Flat out telling women how you feel

-Johnathan Brandis( he died last year, he was the kid from Ladybugs and Seaquest)

-Walkmen (if you still have one... chuck that b*tch out the window, this ain't 94')

-Dreadlocks being frowned upon.... S#!t they look terrible

-$100 seeming like a ton of money

-Never really coming in contact with a fax machine, as an adult you should be very familiar with one

-Smelling mom cooking Fried Chicken and forgetting about that report card you got

-People talking S#!t and getting their face stomped... I went to a bad high school

-Being able to sleep til' 2 pm any day of the week

-Aerosmith, Collective Soul, Soul Asylum, Alice in Chains, Michael Jackson, Johnny Gil, Arrested Development, Domino and Dr. Dre making hits

-Sitcoms

-Small Wonder (yeah, it's a TV show but I really loved that one. Little girl robot in the suburbs...)

-That feeling of putting up Christmas ornaments with Mom

-The first person that wasn't family that you really cared for

-Your best friend from the 2nd grade

-Book Fairs

-The Disney channel, I can't be the only one disgusted by the S#!T they throw on there now... That's so Raven, and don't even speak about Hannah Montana (that little girl ain't even cute)

-DMX, read http://www.erinjackson.net/ the blog section, then scroll to that interview... Jesus man

-Usher being more talented than singing about falling in love in a club

-The Sizzler

and Lastly,

You.

Laters

We need another Wednesday open mic!!!!!(comedy blog)

I could really use help here. Do we shoot for D.C., or do we try another open mic in the Northern Virginia area? the open mics in Northern Virginia seem to work(Lizard, Wiseacres, Is it too early to say "Steal this show") but I know that so many of us live in D.C. I wouldn't want to start something somewhere that is inconvenient for people. If you guys run into me or feel like commenting or sending me an email, I'm curious to see where most people would consider putting an open mic. Everybody runs open mics differently, but there has to be an alternative for the 29 comics that don't get onstage at Wiseacres. The current situation is unacceptable and I challenge someone to find somewhere before I do(cause I really don't want to run two)..."We decide how many times we get onstage, no else".

Don't disrespect other comics by talking (basically you're heckling) through their sets, how f*cking rude is that. Who is telling people that they're funny enough that they can be a pompous ass and act like they run this city. Have some class and professionalism, that's the opposite of "cool". To drive the point home, look at some one that you respect(I'll pick Erin Jackson), how do they carry themselves? Are they commenting on how un-funny someone is? Or do they sit there, maybe study their bits, sip their tea, then go up and crush... pick a role model.

The man in the picture was innocent until proven guilty... and they beat his innocent @$$

Travis Irvine makes me laugh without really trying. I have no idea why, Tracy Morgan does the same thing to me.

Scenario:
A female that you suddenly found attractive seems to be coming around. Right when you think "Now's the time" you notice that a tooth is starting to decay. Do you take one for the team, or do you walk away cause that's not what you're into? Decide

Hampton is not excited about the Incredible Hulk(movie).... this man cannot be human. But since he did show interest in Iron Man(also movie) I say we just keep an eye on him. When his eye lids blink vertically I expect someone to take his life. For humanity's sake...

Yesterday my mother and I had a long conversation about my new found interest in older women. She did not approve. That is all.

A Text Message from Jermaine Fowler(aka "the Fowlest")

"I said f*ck the eagles last night in philly and someone yelled out boo thiiiis maaaan"

That text made me laugh, so I felt like I had to share it with you guys. You're welcome.

Why is this in different fonts? Cause I'm bored, and because it tickles me.

Okay, I think that's all for this Hersday. You guys be good and we'll do this thing tomorrow....

Laters

Today, yesterday doesn't matter

So, it's a new day and I won't even go into what else happened to me yesterday but "yep" the day just kept getting worse. Then I got home.

Look at Craig Mack's face in the smaller album cover pictures, what the f*ck is he yelling at?! Oh, Craig Mack. I laugh everytime I think of him in the unemployment line...


Make Your Own Slideshow More Slideshows

I walked past my supervisor this morning at 8:23... I was supposed to be here at 8. Normally I'm able to slink to my desk and be unnoticed but not today. I've never wanted someone to be more involved in conversation before. The entire time that she walked to the steps I was turned around looking to see if she was gonna look up and notice the time after we exchanged good mornings. Update: We've spoken and she asked more for a spreadsheet from March.... no word of my tardiness. Yeah!

In my cafeteria downstairs there is a line every morning where people line up to get eggs, omelette's, grits and things. Every morning it literally takes about 30 minutes to go down and come back up to your desk because of the size and wait that this line holds. Why does it take so long? Fat people/ omelette's. It's either they are just obese and don't care how long they wait to have an omelet, or they're a jerk who wants everyone else to wait forever. It's the same thing as the people who sit in traffic and then slow down when they finally make it to the crash site to catch look... d*cks. Don't slow down, and Fatty you don't need an omelet. Sorry for the vent, I just can't say anything when I stand behind them(I just went and came back) so I have to angrily blog. Woe is me.

Please God, make my daughter hideous. And with a terrible gag reflex. That'll keep the wolves at bay.

I don't know what told me to have a Sisqo-a-thon(to include Dru Hill, where are they now?) on my iPod today, but I'm jammin and remembering the mid-90's like never before. For some reason one of their songs "These are the times" reminds me of an early December in high school. You know, that feeling where Christmas is fast approaching and you're just happy.

For some reason when an old white woman drops something, I've just stopped picking it up. For that matter, I really don't hold doors for them either. I don't know when I said "That's enough" but I just don't like helping them. And, it never ceases to be funny to me. I bring that up cause I passed on in the hallway a minute ago and she dropped something right near my foot... I looked at it and then at her. I even stopped so she could get it, without any fear that I would knock her over when she tried to pick it up. I'll try to make a smiley of what my face looked like when she dropped it ( .)( .)

<> notice how small I've made my nose and mouth. That's my awkward,

~ "don't laugh" face.

As I walked away I couldn't do anything but grin like the Cheshire cat.

Getting a passport sucks when you have to reorder your Birth Certificate. I don't care how old you are, "Leave that with your parents kids". It's a lot more important to them than us, they won't lose it. If they do, you could be a mistake.

Well, I guess I'll get to working on stuff. See some of you at Wiseacres tonight, others I'll talk to manana.

Laters

Tuesday, when did we go wrong?

Let me just give a little rundown of what my day (HELL!!!!) has been like so far. It started completely innocent and perfect and now it's already got my mood at a 6 when I'm normally at a 9.3(I'm happy, what can I say). I woke up this morning knowing that I would have to go to traffic court. I got pulled over by the same d*ck cop for the same thing a couple times, cause he always hides on my way home. The second ticket didn't even make me as angry as the first one, but these tickets were all before I had a previous court date to fix my problem by. In case I didn't mention the problem, it was an expired registration. Which, I found out last Monday night, you can go to jail for in D.C. for that. Huh, weird; so I'm at the courthouse and got my new registration in my hand ready to show and get back to work...

Once I'd been frisked, taken off my belt and all things not skin, had a lady turn and practically kiss me and waited in a very long line it was time to check the docket. I wasn't on the docket. Normally I would assume that I was supposed to be there on a different day, but I know that the ticket said April 1. The main reason I remember was that when the d*ck cop gave me the second ticket it was for the same day as the first ticket. I said "Oh well, at least this ticket is for the same day, so it's like you've only given my one.... you're still a d*ck" and no, I didn't get to say that last part. I have to go wait in the cashier's section of the courthouse because there is no one that can really help me. The cashier looks up my name and sees the original ticket from a different state trooper. Just to make sure we're not confused, State Trooper= seat belt, expired registration. Vienna cop= 2 separate expired registration tickets. She could only find the state trooper's tickets which I've taken care of. She tells me that maybe I need to check with Vienna's courthouse, but even if I had tickets there she would still be able to see the tickets in her computer. So, by assumption... the Vienna cops ticket's don't exist. But, we all know better than to leave something like that just blowing in the breeze... don't we. Still haven't called the courthouse but in my mind I was thinking that was a waste of the morning. Luckily, I did sleep in for a bit.

I was on my way back to my car, so I paid my ticket to leave the garage. When I get to my car, the battery has mysteriously decided to keel over and die. I put my head on the steering wheel for some time. Then I join AAA, I wait for the roadside assistance to come into the parking garage, for about an hour or so. I began to get pissed since I just had my car in and out of the shop over the course of the last few weeks. I pray it's just a battery, then he shows up and jumps me. He thinks it's the battery too. I called my supervisor to tell her that I'm on my way from the Fairfax County Courthouse, she tells me that she thought I was using a whole days leave. I really wanted to just go home, but I'd already told her that I was on my way. Damn.

So now I'm at work and trying my best to just stay positive through the next few hours of the lovely Tuesday. There were two notes on my computer screens about nothing, and a bag of flower seeds in my chair that read "It's Springtime... Money Plant" I don't know why they placed them there. I think I'm going to put a banzai tree at my desk so I'll have something beautiful to stare at while I work. But oh, it would not be pretty to see someone touching my banzai.... HULK smash.

Sorry I didn't make to Spy Lounge last night, I'm sure that Eli had that whole thing running like a fat kid from a bully... well, that is. But I did think of a great new joke that I can't wait to try out, I'll say this "It involves John Legend". Oh, what could it be?

I'm gonna make up for some lost time but wanted to stop and say hey. So... "Hey"

Laters

Looks can be deceiving

Last night was cool up at the Comedy Factory. I had fun, I won't bother rating how I thought it went but I guess we'll see. Either they call or they won't but I enjoyed myself more than I thought possible. I made a stupid judgement as soon as I got there. I looked around when I first arrived with a few friends, and saw that this was probably the most predominately black audience that I'd have performed in front. To make matters worse, it was in Baltimore where I'd bombed previously in front of my mother, right before Rascals closed it's doors. As for a preference for crowd, I really don't have one, but I have a voice in the back of my head saying "You don't sound black enough, it's gonna be as silent as a church". I turned to my friends immediately and said "Expect nothing", by this point all I wanted to do was get a few chuckles and get the hell out of there. But all that paranoia was completely uncalled for, the crowd was dying to laugh. Could very well be one of the most vocal crowds (definitely not stingy with the laughter) I'd been around in a long time. A lot of comics surprised me, these people weren't playing around, they apparently wanted to be on Martin Lawrence Presents: 1st Amendment stand up, cause almost everyone was killing. Larry Lancaster had my face hurting. I even got to see Howard G perform for the first time. Unfortunately, there wasn't time to meet him and he seemed busy anyway.

Seaton finished his act and said "goodnight" and when he stepped off the stage he went tumbling right in the first row(almost) where Nelson was waiting to catch him. It was one of those falls where people actually paused (it's not often that black people give a pause unless they really think you might be f*cked up) then laughed. He did the respectable thing of course, he didn't even try to play that off. Just got up and kept walking... and got another ovation.

I look like a zombie man who's been up all night painting Dungeons and Dragons figurines. Needless to say that, at least for today, I do not feel like "straight sex".

Sweetest taste in the world is.... Capri Sun(any flavor you want...ah)

Yesterday in McDonald's:

Hobo Joe: Good afternoon everybody

My friends and I: .....(whispers) Is he talkin' to us?

Hobo Joe: (Whistles a catchy toon) Oh, somebody just let some sunglasses here!

Me: Tumbled over with laughter I drink my Sprite and walk out the door

And, that's all there was, but part of me hoped that he put the glasses on right after his comment. I couldn't turn around and look cause not only was he homeless(his name was not Hobo Joe, but it could have been) but I believed that he was also mentally handicapped. And, I'm not about to get bitten for a cheap giggle.

Yesterday was the first time that I've missed a Wrestlemania since 1997. I'm perfectly fine with not seeing it since I don't watch wrestling anymore but it's just a sign of how I've changed over the last couple of years. I hope that it's true that sometimes you need to lose it all (job, girlfriend) in order to truly gain anything (career in comedy). Here's to more positive change!

Laters

Dude, I think I just started my period....

For some reason Fridays don't seem like a great blogger day. Probably because in my mind I've already started the weekend and just had to swing by work for a few hours. But my mind is always a blank so.... I got nothing. Hope to run into plenty of you chaps this weekend at the few establishment that we can loiter around, and possibly jump on a stage. Please cross the fingers for me on Sunday, I want to be on this show in the worst way. But, at the same time I'm not just gonna hope for it, I'm gonna hit a stage as many times as I can within the next two days and prepare all Sunday until the show... the let everything fall where it will. Be safe, no nose candy and I'll see you guys on Monday at the Spy Lounge.

Laters

Don't want no short short blog

Happiness is emotion in which one experiences feelings ranging from contentment and satisfaction to bliss and intense joy. This definition is, however, a synonymous one. A more clarified one is almost impossible to conceive due to the capacity by which a human can allocate the correct words into an appropriate and merit able sentence that would describe happiness.

(it's in the palm of your hands, get it? course you did)

Well Hersday is here just like it has a tendency to do, but what have you all been up to? Playing go fish? Perhaps some of you were reading an encyclopedia, but no matter what you were doing you definitely weren't at Wiseacres last night... cause there was no open mic last night. I had to drive there and find that out the hard way. Fortunately, I had promises of some of my Grandma's chili(easily a ten on the orgasm scale) and so I turned around with no attitude and set out for Grandma's. I won't give too much detail but I ate a couple of bowls with the ol' gal and this was (really long pause cause I can't remember) about 8 o' clizzy. It's 9:26 am right now, I have been to the bathroom twice in the three hours I have been awake and the first time involved dashing back to my bathroom from my car. There is nothing worse than having to sit on gremlin while stuck in traffic. Stuff like that makes you speed, speeding gets you a ticket, cops take a while to write tickets before they send you on your way, cops also hate it when you $#!t yourself while waiting for them to come back and give you a ticket. So, I'm glad that I ran back upstairs and of course, as soon as I made it to my desk and worked for oh... 10 minutes(being honest, spell check actually had to help me with "minutes" good grief) there it is again. Had to walk down a couple floors cause the bathroom is so close to my section I don't want to be identified by my Stacy Adams'(nice black people shoes, for the white folk).

The greatest trick that anyone who naturally likes to talk has is..... silence. Talkative comics/men, trust me when I say that shutting your mouth at all times(while at work) will supply you with the mystery and attractiveness that we all crave. It sucks keeping silent, but I keep getting introduced or bumping into people in weird ways. I never believed in the whole "Just let you're paths cross casually and speak when the moment presents itself" theory, but it's as true as the fact that you can see a little package outline when I have on dress slacks :) Now if only I could control when I casually bump into this older mixed woman in marketing. P.S. - if anyone has a great way to propose to a stranger I'd love to hear it.

The Meximelt is delicious... that is all.

I know I've probably said this before, but stay with me on this. A man is running around a track. He is naked, and the track is littered with hurdles. When someone fires the starting gun he takes off and has been instructed to relieve himself of all bodily fluid during his run. For some reason that thought is hilarious to me. Might be a little funnier to me if it was a girl... who was shy. Ah, to dream.

Lost tonight!!!!!!!!!!! What the hell ever happened to that thick black cloud that killed Anabeese? Or that random polar bear?

Whenever I make eye contact with any of the older African women that work on my floor, they seem to have a look in their eyes like they don't trust me. And, they shouldn't. I've tasted goat and did not enjoy, so we have very little in common. Those two things have nothing to do with each other but just know that I'm not the biggest fan of Africans on the planet. And any militants that want to go back home(to Africa, for the white folk)... good f*cking luck, it's hot outside baby.

Tyler test for human similarities:

1. Do you swear and get upset when someone won't let you in while trying to merge with traffic or change lanes?
2. Shortly after you've calmed down, do you make people trying to merge into traffic wait to get in front of the guy behind you? Then laugh when you see them get mad at the fact that you didn't let them merge into traffic or change lanes?

That my friends is hypocrisy. And that is what makes us human. If you answered yes, you're good people. If you said no to any question, what is Mars like in the spring?

I don't want to waste anymore of your afternoon, but I've got a little (if only that were true) work to do. Happy Hersday everyone.... by the way, since I actually refer to Thursday like that in the office, now people in my section are calling it Hersday. I know they probably found it amusing to speak of the day like we were advertising for a club, but part of me wants to believe that it's because of mind control. Tomato, Tomato(to be pronounced like a ignorant person) I guess.

Laters

Who remembers the Silverhawks?

So here we are, halfway through the week and I'm having the exact opposite of a week than I was having last Wednesday. Could be cause there was no traffic today, cause I watched American Idol last night, cause I have a great feeling about a phone call that I have to make in a few minutes or just because I think I'm looking like the money today. Another thing that's got me feeling great is that I have Nelson's iPod. I have my own full of great music, especially all of my Lupe Fiasco tracks(albums and mixtapes), but Nelson's has a lot of music that I've forgotten I loved or CD's that at some point I was dumb enough to lose. I've been trippin' down memory lane listening to it. I even listened to Eminem's Encore earlier and still hated it, then I popped in Eminem Presents: The Re-Up and got a taste of what type of music he should be recording. Song of the Day: Git up by D12 from D12 World

When I look around and think of hitting on women, they keep walking. But, when I work hard and mind my business I keep bumping into attractive females left and right. Let that be a lesson kids, just do your damn job.

Nelson's countdown to actually banging his girlfriend: Predicted to initiate Saturday between the hours of 13:45 and 23:40... to be continued

Nothing like walking past a man and watching him turn around and sniff the air with a look in his eyes that spells... M.A.N.T.A.S.Y.

Any one that forwards you ANY e-mail is not a friend. At some point people seem to think that they're you're FRIEND so they can forward you crap that you normally wouldn't tolerate from others. No. Yet that is always the first thing people do when they get my e-mail address, they start sending me jokes. I won't lie, I've read one or two and never even smirked... and I smirk all the time. Need I make a t-shirt that makes it clear? It would read:" I don't care how fine you are, don't you send me your $#!tty spam jokes. Cause I'll superman you hoe.... YOU!!!!" Ah.

One more day of dress up until another magical casual Friday. My dog Max is happy. You should be too.

Well, I wish all of you the happiest Wednesday you can have and hopefully I'll get to see a lot of you guys at Wiseacres tonight.

Laters...

Can I... ride you?

This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill

Fifteen percent concentrated power of will

Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain

And a hundred percent reason to remember the name

Fort Minor

I'm in the middle of 15 (9 if you won't count sleep) hour marathon with nothing but Lupe Fiasco blaring through the headphones. It's bliss, I went back and rediscovered all the songs on the first album that I'd treated like an ex-girlfriend. Also, I was pretty early to work today. I think that cold showers are good for one thing, test of manhood! Other than that I really can't endorse them but there is something about the moment that you stop the teeth clattering and can stand in the water. I stood there and let the stream of water run down and as I finally got used to the bitter cold(like a pool) I noticed that my genitalia was trying so hard to get into my stomach that the sac(hel) was pressed against what seemed to be a bone. With that in mind, I can't wait to get home and have a nice HOT shower. I just don't feel right coming off a cold one, but when the test of manhood in dished out how dare I turn my back like a Welshman.

Last night I had my first encounter with D.C. police. As I walked back to my car I saw a cop walking around my vehicle with a flashlight shining in my windows. I hung up the phone and shouted to him. I'll give you a glimpse of this awkward conversation because while I had the feeling he was f*cking with me, he never smiled or fully gave in to the fact that he wasn't a dick... watch:

Me: Officer can I help you?

Cop:No. Why, this your car?

M:Yeah, I know why you're looking(my secret, though I'm glad I got rid of the beer cans...phew) in my car and trust me, I just went to traffic court today and went to the mechanic. It'll be all taken care of by Friday.

C:You know that's a Jail able offense in the District?

M:No... Are you gonna arrest me?

C:I'm surprised that they haven't locked you up in Va yet.

M: Well.... I'm glad they didn't. Are you gonna arrest me?

C: You're not driving right now are you? Of course I could just wait for you to go home...

M:Well, I for one am glad that you aren't gonna arrest me...

C:I was about to give you a $100 ticket..

M:Well... I'm glad that I got here when I did...

(silence for literally 1 minute) (I think turn to his patrol car and look at the woman in the passenger seat)

C: Why you looking back there?

M:I couldn't tell if she was in the back seat or not.

C:(still got that mean ass stare on his face)

M: Well... I promise that you can come back here next Monday and this will be taken care of. I have to, I have plans here every Monday night.

C: If you make it out of the city tonight.

M:(Silent, what the f*ck do I say to that?!)

C: You get outta here man, I'll get you later. Or shortly.

(The police officer takes 3 minutes to pull a three point maneuver out of the dead end. Then he stops and waits for me to drive out past him. Like a child when your parents are standing in the doorway shouting "Get in here now!" I creep past him, certain that he's just gonna hit his lights on once I got past him.... he didn't) THE END

Well, I guess I should let everyone get on with all of the other delicious blogs that are "our routine" to pass the daytime blues.

Laters

Good Grief

For anyone that didn't go to the Arlington cinema n' Drafthouse's new open mic, you're missing out on a good crowd. At least, they were a good crowd last Saturday night anyway. It's a real comfortable spot and they seemed aware that comedy was gonna take place and even changed the position of the chairs so they wouldn't have to half-turn the entire show. I thought the night was a blast and don't recall any comics wiping tears from their eyes cause of bombing... so yeah!

I had traffic court today and that sucked something fierce. I was just about last to be called since my state trooper was the last officer to get chosen. I felt bad for all of the people that went up there for driving on a suspended or something that would lead to jail time depending on how things went. This one kid in particular reminded me of myself on my 21st birthday. I was in court down in Caroline County for driving on a suspended license. I was unaware that it could mean I wasn't driving right home, as was this young Asian gentleman. When the judge asked me whether or not I wanted to wait and come back with an attorney I took a minute to think about it then came back. "Your honor, if I'm going to jail I'm ready now" and with luck, the fact that I'd had it reinstated almost immediately and a joke about how I was finally able to drink today, I got to go home with a small fine. The young man thought about it for a second, then said "I guess I'll do it today" I don't think the judge believed he was confident and asked him to make sure stating "You might not leave here today if things don't go well"... the young man caved. I probably would have done the same, I just got lucky one day and I hope that I'm never staring jail time in the face again.

In Fairfax County's courthouse they make you pay fifty cents every half hour. You have to pay before you leave, so I think I've got the appropriate amount of change. I'm exactly 20 cents short. I walk back to my car and get some change. In the time that it took me to scrummage up some change(I'm not going to an ATM to pay someone $2.00) and come back downstairs, the amount changed. Of course I didn't find that out until I had put all my change into the machine and the line of people behind me had time to figure out "That black guy doesn't have any money".... so back to the car. I get into every conceivable crevasse of that Corolla and come with enough money. I check the time to make sure that I'm not gonna have the ol' switharoo when I get down to the machine. I get there and wouldn't you know, now it want exactly five cents more than I have on me. I go to the man behind the glass and ask him if the ticket is right. He seems to have heard some broke people chatter, cause he says "How much do you have?" 2.45 "Give it to me" Thank your God (he was middle eastern) and then I grabbed my ticket out and head back to work. All in all, it took about 2 hours longer than I expected. Oh, and no matter how hot she is, if she's hitting on you in Court (I don't care if it's traffic).... just walk away.

Looking very forward to Sunday, the two people that get to be on that show get to meet all types of black comedy icons of today. The list of performers for the Lincoln theater the weekend of April 3-5 is incredible: Thursday: Joe Torry, mozan, Rickey Smiley, Jay Phillips, Don "DC" Curry, Lavelle Crawford, Rodney Perry, Bruce Bruce, Joey Wells

Friday: Mike Epps, Dennis Gaxiola, Kym Whitley, Will E. Robo, Ray Lapowski, Rudy Rush, Steve Brown, Gary Owen, Darryl Brunson, Ron G., Big Red Grant, A.G. White, Joe Clair

Saturday: Memphis Red (aka Lester Bibbs), Jamie Teat, B-Phlat, Teddy Carpenter, Raymond Grady, Shang, Joey Medina, Carmen Barton, Angelo, Luenell, Rodman, Deon Cole, Roz G., Berry Boyz

WHOA!!!

Alright, well I have to run to the mechanic so.... Laters

YES, SPY LOUNGE IS STILL ALIVE AND KICKING EVERY MONDAY NIGHT, SHOW THAT FACE OF YOURS!!!

This is SNAKE EYES!!!!!

Don't really have much to report today, I sat around the house yesterday. I'm eating at my desk right now since my roommate's a homosexual and "my trainer's taking me out to lunch since I'm all done"... fag.(The sentence is not necessarily the opinion of Tyler Richardson :)

If you haven't seen Gone Baby Gone, DO!!!!!

For those that aren't busy on March 30( Sunday after next), I will be among the 12 auditioning for Martin Lawrence's 1st Amendment show so feel free to come on out. This one of the few times that I've sent a tape to someone and been completely shocked to hear that they thought it was funny and called me back. (Shouldn't I think I'm funny) But, nonetheless I'm pretty stoked and it would be too cool to actually meet him on April 2-4 at the Lincoln theater. I'm gonna keep my hopes down though, generally the proper speaking comedians are pretty scarce on programs like that and Def Jam.... I'm still gonna cross my fingers and toes over it though. Pray for me.....

Almost bought a new car today.... instead I called a salesman and wasted a lot of him time, next thing I knew the urge had past. Luckily, it passed right before I sent him my credit application. Gotta watch how many times that S#!t gets pulled.

I did a lot at work on this magical Friday. I'm wearing a shirt that is wrinkle-free. There is way too little mud on my boots today.

All of the sentences from that previous short burst of sentences are a complete lie... (sigh) I'm just slumming it today, what can I say.

Well, there's a genie waiting on me to finish up so we can knock wish 2 & 3 out. I don't really know what my 3rd wish will be but number 2 has been coming for some time now..... CRIME SPREE!!

Laters

Happy Hersday!

I don't know about you, but I thought Wiseacres was a lot of fun last night. Could be that the room was full of familiar faces and everyone was having a good time, or it could be cause we got to witness Schlegel tear a huge man to pieces. Ah, Wednesdays... shame that it's already Hersday. Oh, that's right, I said last week that I'm done callin' it by any other name it's Hersday from now on.

Micheal Clark Duncan will be playing Balrog in the Street Fighter Movie.... quite simply "a big dude".

More while I notice attractive women, I feel myself transform into the wolf from Droopy's old cartoons. Getting that's just part of getting grown... and being surrounded by beautiful women 8 hours a day. Women should pass a rule where they don't smile at men they aren't attracted to. It would finally let men know exactly where they stand, cause if she's straight faced the whole time you're talking to her, she don't want the d*ck. "I think that Susan on the third floor likes me" How do you know? "She was smiling at me the whole time we were talking earlier!" Good S#!t, but you know it ain't no fun if the homies can't have none... (we'll move on but assume that conversation ended in a choo-choo train)

By the way, that baby in this picture to the left is alive(in the picture) and victim of a rare disease known as Harlequin disease. Find out more here:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/portal/ttv/news.jhtml?bcpid=1365202579&bclid=1155306408&bctid=1459170187\

Whoever started this trend of jeans and heels is a saint. It distracts the S#!t out of me on Fridays but still SO looked forward to.

The only thing I hate about being new on the job is that it always feels like people are shoving their work off on the new guy so you can "get used to the daily grind". While that's helpful, we've all been on the other side and when someone new gets here someday, I'm gonna give them every last bit of my work... then I'm gonna go see the doctor downstairs and take a nap.

Now let's take a moment for a virtual hug. Ah.

I've had a pretty terrible week, but interestingly enough I've had the best sleep I can remember. Everyday this week I've gone to bed and it feels like I've been sleeping in a hyperbolic sleep chamber. It's really good, not even sexual dreams just happy sleep where you wake up smiling. I wish I could go to sleep right now, but I better stop talking about a nap before I pass out mid- blog.

I've got to make my long stroll to get some Cherry Coke so I guess this is where we'll say good bye. Enjoy this Hersday and be safe cause tomorrow is March 21st!!!!.... and it's Friday.

Laters

This isn't Malibu, you just put a plam tree in your bathroom!!

Thank to everyone that showed up last night, I thought it was a good enough night... if only the audience were a tad more enthused. Ah, in a perfect world... and where was Atif? Oh well.

I hope that everyone celebrated St. Paddy's day with a bang. If you were able to wake up and get to work on time, then no, you did not properly get hammered. But, if you're not Irish what were you trying to prove anyway. Sad alcoholics need to take advantage of any given opportunity they can use to drink(St. Patrick's Day, Sportscenter, Depression), while the steadfast members of that community(TRich) stand proudly on Saturday morning(9 am) with their favorite mate( the Milla {Miller Lite}) and a smile. Be proud of who you are.

Got Jay-Z's new album yesterday, not really that new anymore but since I don't listen to radio I catch on a little late. The song that hooked me was "I Know", straight sex. I still laugh when I say that, it's sad but true.

Sometime today I've been told to call a man about a festival. Will the Fowlest go off to Canada all by his lonesome, or will the dynamic duo have some misadventures out in the land of the maple leaf? This and more on the next Non-sequitus blog...(the last section was to be read as though you were the narrator from the old Batman series with Adam West. If you don't use your imagination you're only cheating yourself)

The other day a man hurt my feelings. Yeah, it seems kinda gay, but that's what happened. That's all, it just doesn't happen very often so I had to share.

In a heterosexual male-to-male phone conversation, it is inappropriate to end the phone call with "Alright sweetie, stay hood my Nyuggah"... someone please relay this to Jermaine Fowler. Don't believe his lies, he'll know what you're talking about.

Drill Sergeant: Private Baker, what are you doin' on the ground? Didn't I tell you to do some damn squat thrusts?!

Priavte Baker: Yes, Drill Sergeant but I can't breathe. I think I'm dying...

Drill Sergeant: Yo ass ain't dyin' if you lying there talking to me. If you can whine you can breathe..

Private Baker: Drill Sergeant, I'm dying..

Drill Sergeant: THEN YOU'LL SQUAT THRUST UNTIL YOU DAMN DIE!!!!

That's one of my favorite memories from Basic Training

So, where do we go from here? commentary on the DC Area comedy scene? Perhaps dishing gossip or slinging S#!t? No, let's talk of hope. Let's talk about happy, let's talk about smiles and penguin suicide... in other words the things that bring a smile to our faces. Here's my three happy things, feel free to tell me yours:

-Nelson Harlem shaking for 29 minutes straight while I'm attempting to watch the Office

-The way a Miller Lite sings to you when you take the top off... straight sex

-The thought of a man running naked while relieving himself... with hurdles(that one always gets me, now everyone in the office is wondering why I'm laughing hysterically at my assignments)

Well everyone, one more day and the weekend is almost here again. Don't let today be "Just another day", get out there and commit a crime. I need some decent news to read about tomorrow.

Laters

Mr. Nelson Goes to TNA: Destination X

Apparently, I'm no funny. So... here's someone that might be. And, the wrestlers he photographed

If you want something done right, you have to stay strapped

Hey everybody, it's Friday and really don't have S#!t for ya... but love and a bucket full of pennies. (Huh?) I heard the funniest put down on an episode of Frisky Dingo last night "You know, you are like a bad penny" it tickled me in ways that are inappropriate to speak of at work. That along with a lot of Miller Lite were my Hersday night... yeah, I called it that. Does that make more sense when a club refers to a night of the week like that? cause I think I'm done with the word Thursday.

If a woman seems interested in you and has an 18 month old kid, don't pursue this woman. Based on several testimonies, I've deduced that the chances of the baby's father being around after 18 months are very realistic. Chances are that he will want your head on a stick, and that's not good for anybody... unless she's THAT fine. But chances are that she's not.

Completely unrelated to that last comment, I had a weird nightmare last night. I dreamed that this woman that I've spoken to on the third floor was a prostitute that fell in love with me, and I with her(No, I could never be with a prostitute, not even for free. Gross) But, apparently her pimp was none too pleased with that. He came into my home and beat the ever-living S#!t out of my roommates and I. Then we ran down the streets with swords and sought out revenge... then I woke up. Just a glimpse of what happens when I close my eyes at night. Prostitutes...

If took a break while writing this and found out some horrible news.... MY ____ CONNECTION IS GONE! I'll keep you informed on the ongoing search for new ______.

As it is Friday, I will keep this short and sexy, like a puma. Be safe, drink and drive the speed limit and we'll talk like this again on Monday.

Laters

I dabble...

If you don't know who that is in the picture then you might be.... A COMMUNIST. But feast my children, this delicious trailer for The Incredible Hulk was released by Universal Pictures today and once watch it I promise you'll be salivating.

http://www.mtv.com/overdrive/?id=1583143&vid=215625

I'd have said wet, but that seems inappropriate at work... but I guess I've crossed that line now haven't I. Take all you can eat, but EAT all you take.

Went to Wiseacres yesterday... yep.

Since I didn't get up at Wiseacres it gave me the opportunity to pick up No Country for Old Men on the way home. Let's not pretend that the world hasn't been shouting it's praise from the rooftops. "It's an instant classic!" those are the words on top of the DVD cover art, truer words were never spoken. All day I heard people say that the movie was incredible and then followed it with "the ending sucked, you won't believe it" which made me go in expecting The Departed all over again(which I also loved). But, how wrong I was. I loved everything about the movie and the end isn't given it's due. Perhaps rather than trying to think of it as an extremely death filled game of cat and mouse, try thinking of it as a story that Tommy Lee Jones character is telling you on a porch. Because if you focus on the narration of the film, the ending seems to fit, I guess everyone expected some type of apocalyptic bomb/ old fashioned western shoot out in the middle of the street(even though you got your wish at one point). The killer is, right behind the Joker, now my favorite villain in any movie. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I woke up a few times thinking about him blowing the lock through the door and shooting me with that silenced shotgun. He was lightning quick with that combination, he did it like every 10 minutes, if not more. Much credit goes to the entire cast of that movie, it was easily the best movie I've seen in a long time, now all I need to see is There will be blood so I can compare. "They always say that (what) They always say You don't have to do this. (you don't, you're a sick f@ck)..." How could anyone not love that movie. 10 stars out of 4.

What else is new? Tomorrow if anyone is in the Northern Va. area there is the monthly showcase at Brittany's (I here that TRich should be on that list somewhere). Haven't been in there, for comedy, yet so I'm hoping that it will be as much fun as people have said.

Did anyone check out that prostitute from the scandal in NY... GOD. I thought they were reporting on yet another missing white woman. I don't know about $80 grand, but if you can afford a Bentley, why would you ever go back to Kia. Good on ya ex-Governor Spitzer. Good on ya... Damn she was fine.

Gotta get back to work, but remember "Hustle for death, no heaven for a gangsta"- Lupe Fiasco
That line is cold as S#!t to me.

Laters

And I did all that without any pants...

Congratys to Jessie Thomas aka "the man who literally lit a girl's hair on fire last weekend and had friends stand up for him" for winning last night, it was a great show(even though the crowd was silent like they were witnessing an execution. Though I hate competitions, I must say that I enjoyed the S#!t out of hosting last night. Something about being in the loop and knowing the winner before everyone else.... joygasm. And, there was absolutely nothing riding on my performance so I had fun and got some points and chuckles. And, to make things a little better for ol' TRich, the crew from Comcast needed me to do twice the time after the competition was over so they could get some shots of laughter from the crowd. They told me that I could stand there and say "Laugh people" and explain what was going on, or I could tell jokes. Looking back, I really wish I'd stood there for 15 minutes saying "Laugh"... hind sight is 20/20. And of course, "Big Ups to Odyssey Michaels aka O Boogey... but don't ever call him that. He's muscular.

Something is different, I don't know when it happened. But, now when I speak to people (comedy related) I don't feel like I used to. I feel confident and yesterday, while driving to Richmond, I called a club that I've called literally hundreds of times. I spoke to a woman that I've spoken to before, who never really seemed to care for me, or what I was selling. But, eventually all that persistence pays off I guess. We have a jovial conversation for much longer than we've ever spoken and in the end hung up like we were old friends. For a lot of comics this might seem like "the usual", for me it was a sign of some type of change in the past couple of years. I really need to start putting my schedule up on MySpace. But I won't.

My mother told me that my comedy was "not for her", then told me that she still likes Eddie Murphy's movies.... yep, Mom's been discredited.

I still haven't purchased No Country for Old Men, I know it's only been out for a day but "I wants it"!

Tonight I am gonna get some much needed sleep, right after I watch (please refer to the last random note) Thank You- Staff

I love being the new guy when the entire fifth floor is filled with beautiful young women. Speaking of which, "Are there any women out there that do NOT have children?" Damnit

Til' tomorrow, I'm TRichardson and you've been sextacular.... mmmm

Laters (Sorry this one was a little random Tony, tomorrow is another day)

A short blog: Shlog or Bhorg?!

Well, TNA's Destination X was the S#!t. No chance that I'll ever go to something like that and not sit ringside after that experience. I think Nelson had a good time too, since he spent about 50 bucks more than I did. I'll have to remember to post some of the the HUNDREDS of pictures that were taken. And does Mary make going to a wrestling event more exciting? S#!t YEAH!!!

Spy Lounge was crazy last night, thank you to everyone that showed up and hopefully we can continue to have an environment like that. Not for Eli and I, but so that you guys can continue to have two open mics to work on your material on Monday nights. Give yourselves a great big pat on the back. Let's do it again next Monday.

I'll be at the Richmond Funnybone tonight hosting the Clash of the Comics. Big ups to Richmond. I get to see the "Great" Bird Knight, Jesse "the man", Travis and all the comics that I've grown so fond of lately. I'm sure it's gonna be a terrific show.

R.I.P. Maggie... if you were ever lucky enough to speak with her, then you would know she was one of the nicest people you would ever want to meet.

Laters

Tear drops....

Today I'm feeling a little melancholy since it's my last day in my section. The year has past so fast I'm looking back and finding that there were a lot more memories of laughter then I thought. I guess that's how everything is when it's time to say goodbye though. It's the happiest sad that I can remember in a long time. Luckily, I don't keep a lot of crap at my desk(photos, plants, knick-knacks) so it was a pretty short clean up of my cube. But when it came time to throw away random junk I'd hidden in my desk, it hit, I'm leaving. These supervisors saved me, literally, from a life that I didn't deserve and clawed to break free of. And, not to get to mushy but.... there's an ice cream sundae social downstairs at 2 and I'm pretty wet about that. (God, did he just say he was wet? Ugh) But, I was thinking about this last night so today's blog will be one of remembering. If it makes you think of someone that you miss but can't say anything to, then I'm glad I could remind you.

I'd like to take you back to June 2001, a group of friends and I were at Kings Dominion the day after our prom, cause that's what the cool kids did. It was Nelson, my friend Mike, my date Katie Southard and me. As soon as we got to the park Mike shouts "Permanent riding buddies!" and grabs me. What could I do, but look Katie in the eyes and explain "Well, he did call it, sorry Katie". One of the first stops we made was to get advance tickets to the Volcano, since for some reason a decade after it's up it STILL has the longest line in the park. We hit up every ride in the park before our tickets were ready to be used. It was pretty funny to watch as Katie rode with Nelson all day, since she really(REALLY) didn't want to ride with him... and I was her date. Just to knock this out, no I'm not gay, but I was still emotionally fixated on another girl that wasn't really giving me my due. So the time comes to go to the Volcano and redeem those tix... or so we thought. Nelson, bless his Asian heart, lost his ticket somehow. Which leaves three people and we all know someone is riding alone. All day I rode with Mike and Katie was not about to ride alone on this one. So, we wait for our turn... no one is speaking cause we don't know what we're gonna do about riding buddies at the moment. A man makes his way through the crowd of people waiting and says there is room for two on the ride before our tickets were due. He looks straight into my eyes and says "You, who you with? Him or her?" I look at Katie(dramatic pause) "It's me and him" the only thing I could hear Katie yell out as Mike and I laughed our way through the crowd of people to get on the ride was "Deaven you Asshole!" and I yelled back "Sorry Katie" Then we laughed the entire length of the ride. We kicked our feet like excited children and coined it "The Southard Shuffle" since she was unable to actually ride the Volcano that day. She did not want to ride after we were done. She was pretty pissed at me. I didn't see Katie again for another 8 months or so, but when she did run into Mike and I, her words were "what's up Asshole" sarcastically but she still clearly had not forgotten about the Southard shuffle. Neither did I, it's still funny to me looking back on that day. In 2004, Kathryn Southard was in a car accident that claimed her life. She was one of the most beautiful people I've ever met, and one of those women that you take home to mom. I never really got to apologize and mean it, but I'm sure that if I ran into her again it wouldn't have mattered... she was good people. I think about her, as well as a few other close friends that I had that have past away. Chances are when you die, you probably could care less if the people you knew are still thinking of you. But, in case they ever get bored and take a look, I'd like them to know that when the day slows down I'm still grateful to have known them.

I hope to see some familiar faces at the Arlington Cinema N' Drafthouse and the Hyatt on Saturday night, and then on Sunday it's TNA's Destination X pay-per-view!!!! And good luck to all the participants in the Clash of the Comics next Tuesday at the Richmond Funnybone(I'm hosting)

Have a great, safe, and definitely hazy weekend everybody!!!

Laters

"You look sharp"- Dikembe Mutombo

Had a great time last night at Fairfax Inova Hospital. Miller, Blejer, Richardson, Nancherla, Pillalamarri, Lehyani... Oh we rocked that mutha. And had a lot of laughs, daps were given all around, and I learned that if you mess up a reality show on NBC you better be prepared to write a check for $100,000.00 "F*ck me". Last night was the first time since I first started that I got a little lost. I know where the hospital is since I work about 8 minutes down the road, but once I was there I might as well have been in France. Directions meant nothing because everything on the paper might as well have been in that font where all the letters turn into pictures of Greeks making supper or something. I think we've all seen this font when playing around with Word as children. And, all that you wanted was the Grand Theft Auto font... right? yeah.

Everyone congratulate the Fowlest (Jermaine Fowler... by now you should know) for getting into FunnyFest up in Calgary. I find out on Monday if I get to accompany him out there in May for awhile. Some body's got to keep that boy in check, he's liable to go out there and fall into a bad crowd. He could start prank calling people for fun, watching friends sell drugs to children, or worst of all... he might not try any of (from what I hear) that sweet SWEET Cheeba. Mmm mmm, I gotta go Jesus. But seriously, give him a tap on the buttocks... you know he'd do it for you.

For Erin:

The Scientist:

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry

You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you, tell you I need you

Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions

Oh lets go back to the start

Running in circles, coming up tails

Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy

Oh its such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said that it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures

Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science, science and progress

Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me

Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles, chasing our tails

Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy

Oh its such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start